Death is the Enemy
Daenerys
The castle seems eerily empty. Most of the Dothraki are still on the mainland, the Unsullied are slowly getting back from Casterly Rock, Varys has disappeared to some shady corner, Ser Jorah is sailing to meet his probable doom. And there is no Jon.
Not that he was a constant feature, he spent most of his days in that cave. Hmm, the cave. And those eyes pinned on her. 'No, no, no, no, don't go there,' she tells herself. It is enough that she sleeps exceptionally badly since he left. Her dreams became more vivid, more intense. Jon being in danger is a constant theme.
She looks at Missandei sitting quietly in the corner, sewing. Missandei must miss Grey Worm, she told her so herself but she is calm. Is it this valar morghulis thing again?
Daenerys is different, she cannot be calm, she is restless. That is always the burden of those left behind, waiting for news, unable to help or do anything. She is sure he does not think of her, he is too busy doing something. She is just left with her thoughts. Thoughts about him.
"What is it that you are sewing?' she asks to break the spell.
"I'm finishing a new coat for you, Your Grace," Missandei replies, stopping her work for a moment. "The winds are getting colder each day, you need warmer clothes. I found those furs amongst the Dothraki loot hoards, I think they will suit you."
She smiles. She was so fortunate to find Missandei; a wise, compassionate and loyal friend.
"How are you coping with the cold?" she asks.
"I manage, Your Grace," replies Missandei smiling. "May I ask, Your Grace," she pauses, "how do you cope with Lord Snow being gone?"
Daenerys swallows hard. "It doesn't bother me at all," she replies quickly and walks swiftly to the window, so Missandei would not see her face. Lying to friends is not something she enjoys.
Jon
He was nearly proud of himself. During their boat journey he only thought about her five times. All right, eight times. But this is a very good score for two and a half days. He does not count thinking of her before going to sleep. That does not count. It is like bedtime prayer for him. He cannot help it, she is always there. What did help was that no one really mentioned her. He made sure of that; each time he went to the deck and looked towards the direction they came from, he just knew he was watched closely by Davos, so as soon Davos approached him, he started a conversation about the preparations, weapons made of dragonglass, Tormund, the Wall, whatever came to his mind. He started repeated himself at times but Davos obediently complied. He suspected Davos indulged him rather but he did not care.
When they came to Eastwatch, it was a true pleasure to meet with Tormund again. When Tormund asked which queen he wanted to convince, he replied that he needed to convince both of them. It was not strictly true but deep down he felt it was closer to the truth than anything. She believed him, but still she had no idea how big a threat the White Walkers are.
And now walking through the snow, Tormund asks about her again. Jon feels he must be careful as Mormont is walking just behind them and assuredly is within the earshot. He tells the truth, she wants him to bend the knee. To Jon's surprise, Tormund seems to realise what Jon himself thought in the cave. Mance did not bend the knee and a lot of people died. Ugh, the cave. Why did he have to think about the cave? His score of not thinking about her does not look good.
Daenerys
Tyrion started drinking again. She noticed how sober and moderate with the drink he was after the battle of Mereen, now it looks like his failures weigh on him. She allows it as she knows he needs a breathing space, she has been harsh with him recently.
They are sharing wine in the War Room, just for once, only two of them.
"Do you know what I like about you?" she asks.
"I honestly don't," Tyrion replies in sincere surprise.
"You're not a hero," she says quietly and walks towards the fireplace where Tyrion is sitting. Tyrion misunderstood her meaning. He starts to tell her that he acted heroically in the past. "I don't want you to be a hero," she explains. "Heroes do stupid things and they die. Drogo, Jorah, Daario, even this… Jon Snow. They all try to outdo each other, who can do the stupidest, bravest thing," she finishes bitterly. She is tired of being worried about him. Her frustration needed a release.
"It's interesting," muses Tyrion. "Those heroes you name, Drogo, Jorah, Daario, even this… Jon Snow. They all fell in love with you," he finishes matter-of-factly.
She almost knew it was coming, she caught herself too late, she needs to minimise the damage. "Jon Snow is not in love with me," she says quickly, covering her embarrassment with the mocking smile. Her heart is beating faster. She is afraid of what Tyrion might say next. She watches him closely
"Oh, my mistake," he says in mock apology. "I suppose he stares at you longingly because he is hopeful for a successful military alliance." He sounds a bit annoyed. At her? At Jon Snow? She cannot make it out.
She needs a strong argument, a believable argument to help with her denial. She rakes her brain. "He's too little for me." Oh, Daenerys, this is so bad. On many levels. It is not only a weak and unbelievable argument, but on top of it she seems to have offended Tyrion.
"I … I didn't mean …" she stammers. She is really bad at this conversation at the moment.
Jon
They are making a slow progress. They stop a lot. Not everyone in the group is used to walks in such a cold weather.
To keep up the spirits in the group, Jon tried to talk to everyone, even for a few moments; they are such an impossible bunch that making it a close knit unit is a hard work. He failed miserably with the Hound, other conversations were more or less satisfactory. The only person he had not talked to yet is Mormont and deep down he dreads it, he needs to find the right angle.
"The first time I went north of the Wall was with your father," he tries when he catches up with him.
"He was a good man. He deserved a better son," Mormont replies.
Jon looks at him closely, there is more to Mormont than he thought at first. She may have been right about Mormont to trust him.
"Were you with him at the end?" asks Mormont.
'He tries to judge my character,' Jon thinks. Smart. He explains that he was with the Wildlings at that time. He may as well add that it was through his own fault and looking for him cost the Night's Watch many good men. He chooses to omit that, it will not help to make a bond this way. "But we avenged him," he offers. "I want you to know that every mutineer found justice."
"Can't think of the worse way for him to go…" says Mormont bitterly. "The Night's Watch was his life. He would have died to protect every one of those men. And they butchered him."
"I hate it that he died that way," Jon says in a deep voice. Then he talks about his own father who was honourable to the end and yet he died on the executioner's block. 'That is the other thing we have in common', he thinks. The first 'thing' is Daenerys but he does not think it would be a good idea to bring her into it.
Mormont admits that Jon's father wanted to execute him and he sincerely adds that even if Ned Stark was in the right, it did not stop him from hating Ned.
Jon appreciates Mormont's sincerity, he knows now he has misjudged him and he knows what was the actual reason for disliking him. Childish jealousy. Here, now, it seems so futile, they can both die at any moment and it will not matter whom Daenerys liked best. "I'm glad he didn't catch you," he says to Mormont with a smile.
Then he remembers something that kept nagging him for a while now. He stops Mormont and they wait until the group passes them.
"Your father gave me this sword," he says quietly, unbuckling the belt with Longclaw on it. He explains its different look because of the pommel that Jeor Mormont changed, and hands it to Ser Jorah.
Mormont holds the sword gingerly, as if he was seeing the holiest of things, he even unsheathes it a little and looks long and hard at it.
"Lord Commander Mormont thought you would never come back to Westeros," Jon says. "But you are back. And it's been in your family for centuries. It's not right for me to have it."
Mormont is silent for a moment. "He gave it to you," he says.
"I'm not his son," replies Jon.
"I've brought shame onto my house," says Mormont. "It broke my father's heart. I forfeited the right to claim this sword. It's yours," he hands the sword back to Jon. "May it serve you well…. And your children after you," he adds in a whisper, knowingly looking straight into Jon's eyes.
Jon is dumbstruck, he thinks he understood the meaning behind Mormont's words. Or did he? His head is buzzing. Does Ser Jorah think him more honourable and worthy of Longclaw? Does he approve of him and Daenerys? Does he think he and she will have children? What is this madness?
Children? He never wanted to sire a child as they would have to bear the infamy of him being a bastard son of his father. Does it change anything if he is a king now? Children! He never looked beyond the present day. He never planned for the future. He always thought he would have no future. It only shows that despite everything that happened to him, he was still in the Night's Watch ranger's way of thinking.
And even now with Daenerys, he never even thought about the future. Well, what he would have wanted is for him to say 'I love you', her replying 'I love you' and that is it, deal done. – they are together.
Wait. What?
What is happening to him? He never meant to think that. This is not what he wants.
Well, not really that.
Probably.
No, it is not. The war is coming. The war for survival. What in seven hells is he even thinking about?
Here he is, trying to fight the monsters that want to kill all the living and he is spewing nonsense.
He really needs to focus.
Daenerys
That conversation with Tyrion disconcerted her.
First of all, this talk of Jon being in love with her. How could everyone see what she just cannot? Well, maybe not everyone. But apparently Tyrion and Missandei saw something. At times she was sure that her own feelings were reciprocated but more often she felt they were not.
Her own feelings? What are they exactly? These feelings are different from anything she has known before. They overpower her, she is distracted, she yearns for something and she is not sure what it is.
The way they said farewell to each other broke her heart. And he never even looked back.
She should not think of Jon now. She should be focused on the wars that are coming. Not only with Cersei but apparently with those dead men that are coming to kill them all.
And there is this other thing that Tyrion got suddenly obsessed about. Succession after her death. She remembered the words said by that crazy witch: 'when the sun rises in the west and sets in the east, when the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves, when your womb quickens again and you will bear a living child.' She knows nothing of prophecies, maybe only this that they are not to be taken literally. She is not sure why she even believed that witch but as far as she knows, it means that she can never have children. She is bleeding again but nothing happened when she lived with Daario.
What kind of man would want to marry a barren queen if she cannot give him heirs? And it would be cruel to keep it secret from anyone she married. Thus she grudgingly agrees with Tyrion that they should talk about the succession. But she is not ready yet.
There is a knock on the door and Missandei comes in. "Your Grace, I've finished the coat, would you like to try if it suits you?"
"Yes, of course," she replies and puts the coat on, and Missandei adds the chain with the three-headed dragon. The coat does not restrict her movements so it is fine. "Well, I suppose…" She is interrupted by an urgent knock on the door. "Yes?' she says.
Tyrion and Varys enter the room . Her heart sinks, every time she sees them both like this, they bring bad news. "What is it?' she asks anxiously.
"There was a raven from Eastwatch, Your Grace." Varys says in his usual quiet voice. "Jon Snow needs immediate help beyond the Wall, about the day walk from the Wall itself, near a mountain shaped like an arrowhead. No other details were given. I'm afraid the mission-"
She does not even say a word, she just walks quickly out of the room. The guards start to follow her but she stops them with just a hand gesture. She can hear quick footsteps following her. "Your Grace?" cries Tyrion behind her.
She does not respond, she keeps walking. Tyrion is still following her and now understanding that she intends to fly her dragon beyond the Wall, he tries to dissuade her from it, prompting all kind of arguments against it. She is silent, she just keeps walking.
When they reach the dragons sweetly sleeping on the cliff, his voice becomes desperate. His elaborate arguments were finished. "You can't," he says simply. "The most important person in the world can't fly to the most dangerous place in the world."
"Who else can?" she finally breaks her silence.
"No one, they knew this when they left," he replies. "You can't win the throne when you're dead. You can't break the wheel if you're dead."
She started to mount Drogon but stopped at this point and turned to face Tyrion. "So what would you have me do?" she asks resignedly.
"Nothing," he replies. "Sometimes nothing is the hardest thing to do."
'No more,' she thinks. No more doing nothing. She is tired of doing nothing.
"If you die, we're all lost," Tyrion tries desperately. "Everyone, everything." His voice is almost on the brink of tears.
She is touched by this but she just has to do it. "You told me to do nothing before and I listened to you," she tries to sound calm. "I'm not doing nothing again," she says quietly. Drogon flies first and then Rhaegal and Viserion follow.
She needs to focus. It is a long flight. That raven must have been sent last night. She does not even know if they are still alive but she feels that she must try to save Jon, save them all.
She is glad that Missandei made her this new coat. The frosty wind almost hurts her cheeks, she tries to keep her head as close to Drogon's skin as she can.
It is hard to see but whenever she glimpses at the lands they are passing, she notices the changed landscape. Almost no greenery, just white and black.
She looks ahead and sees the Wall. She gasps at the enormity of the structure. There is this fleeting thought. How would those dead men even cross it?
As they are quickly approaching the Wall itself, she has to focus as she tries to recall the map in the War Room. The area beyond the Wall was not sculpted with many details, and she really cannot see the shapes of any mountains from this high above.
In her mind she tells Drogon to look for it and find Jon. He knows Jon so maybe miraculously he will be able to find him in this huge wasteland. She is terrified to find them too late.
Suddenly Drogon turns slightly to the left and starts flying lower, other two dragons follow suit. Drogon starts to circle the area so she strains her eyes looking down.
And there she sees it. A multitude of misshapen figures are surrounding a group of fighters on a rock, from above it looks like an island on a frozen lake. She hopes Jon is among those fighters in the middle, still alive. Drogon dives sharply towards the island, roaring loudly; she says 'dracarys' and Drogon breathes the fire on those creatures attacking the island. And so do Rhaegal and Viserion. As Drogon nears the island, she sees Jon, in heavy furs, just looking up at her. Her heart skips a beat, he is alive. Alive.
And so her battle for the living begins.
Jon
He had a feeling that taking the wight relatively easy was a bad omen. And as soon as he heard this deafening screech from the creature he knew the bad things were coming. He did not know if Gendry would get to Eastwatch in time; frankly he did not know if he would get there at all. But it was the last thing that gave him strength to fight. A hope to survive, a hope to come back. And just as he said to Ser Jorah, Daenerys was their last hope.
Despite the layers of clothes they all had on, they were all trembling, they were slowly freezing to death. He did not sleep, he knew that being too comfortable and letting the sleep take you, could be the last decision in life he had ever taken. He did not want to end either as Thoros of Myr or as a wight.
When the morning broke, he saw the wights again, patiently standing on the shores of the lake. At least during the night he did not have to look at them. He wondered how many of those wights he knew from his time amongst the Wildlings or from his time in the Night's Watch. He thought he could recognise characteristic cloaks of the Night's Watch on some of them. He wondered if uncle Benjen was among them. It would be horrible to meet him again this way.
At least he had a proof that fire, Valyrian steel and dragonglass worked. Bu there were so many of them, how can the North even try to stop them. The Northern forces are not enough. If Daenerys does not help them, they are doomed. Just like now, if she decides not to come, there is no conceivable way out of this situation. Maybe it was not such a good idea after all to come here and try to catch a wight.
The Hound bothers him. He froze when that bear wight on fire approached him and if it were not for Thoros and later Ser Jorah, the Hound would be dead. And now the Hound is stirring things up again. Throwing stones at wights is a stupid idea.
"Oh, fuck," he heard the Hound saying under his breath, it made him look up. The lake froze again. There we go again.
More and more wights are coming towards them. He thinks that they are fortunate that not all wights started charging at them at once. Maybe there is a chance.
He yells to fall back, they need to make a smaller circle around the wight they captured to have any chance at all. They have already lost some men.
Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Jon stops to take a look at their situation. There is no hope now. He can clearly see that there is no chance in hell that they will come out of it alive. He steels himself for the last battle of his life as a thinking and breathing man.
Then he hears that familiar, mighty roar and he falls to the ground as a stream of fire engulfs the wights before him. A dragon! He recognises Drogon, but then he sees Rhaegal and Viserion following their brother's steps and breathing fire at the wights around them. She came. She came to rescue them. Watching wights disappearing in the sea of fire is so exhilarating, he is just ecstatic to see it, he looks up and he sees his beautiful Mother of Dragons, fierce look at her face, choosing the targets for the dragon fire breathed by her children.
Drogon lands with a great thud on their small island; Jon thinks that it is the most wonderful sound in the world at the moment. She landed on the other side and he cannot clearly see her, as his men are in a way. He has to see her now. Now! He forcefully pushes Tormund away, there can be nothing and no one between her and him. He stops in awe. Just to look at her. This beautiful creature in her full battle stance with her hair glistening in the light of the fire is the most magnificent thing he has ever seen in his life. His heart is pounding in his chest, he can hardly breathe, he cannot take his eyes of her. His love for her is the greatest gift he has ever been given. He does not care if she loves him back, just to be allowed to look at her, be near her is enough. It is worth more than all the riches of this world.
Drogon moves closer to their group and Jon runs towards her. She reaches towards him with her outstretched hand, this is the most beautiful smile that welcomes him.
Daenerys
She lands with Drogon on the edge of the island, the dead men are coming from all sides, but she does not even have to say to Drogon anything, he takes the initiative and clears huge spaces around the island.
She sees Jon running towards her, she is happy, relieved and overjoyed to see him unharmed; she leans in and reaches for his hand. He is so close. But then he hesitates, looks back at the dead men coming towards them, he turns back and starts fighting them. She is worried now, he was just there, within her reach, but now he protects others when they are mounting the dragon. She is concerned but she understands, this is what he does, he protects his people. She respects that but at this moment she wishes he would be more selfish and get back to her, to the safety. The dead men keep coming, and she cannot make Drogon to breathe in that direction as it would put Jon in danger of being burned. So she waits. Even Ser Jorah calls Jon, even he sees that Jon goes too far and puts himself in danger. They are just waiting only for Jon now, everyone that is alive and the captured dead man, as she suspects, is on Drogon.
It is then when she hears the piercing scream of her baby, she turns her head in disbelief and looks helplessly as Viserion screams in pain; his blood, his precious blood is splashing all over the ice, and then he falls heavily to the ground, the ice beneath him breaks, and he slowly sinks down into the water. She sees the fire going out in his eye and he disappears under the ice.
She cannot comprehend what she is seeing. She hears screams from Drogon and Rhaegal. What is happening? Where is Viserion? Where is her baby? In her mind she calls him. There is no response. There is this emptiness. Why has not the world stopped?
She wants to scream but she feels numb. There is no thought in her mind, just despair and hurt from Drogon and Rhaegal.
As if through the fog, she hears Jon's voice screaming something at her. She looks at him but she does not understand. He runs towards her so she waits for him to mount Drogon so they could all fly away.
Suddenly she sees that two dead men jump on him and he falls into the lake. It cannot be happening. It is not real. Why does he not surface? She looks at the hole in the ice fully expecting him to show there. He does not. Then she looks in the direction from which Jon was running from.
Her mind starts working quicker now. She sees that man with a crown of ice on his head is preparing to throw a spear. She instantly connects that this is what must have happened to Viserion. She screams 'vlar' at Drogon and they fly away. Drogon swerves suddenly but they keep going.
As they are flying away she looks back at the place where she lost her child and the man she loves.
Jon
The deafening roar full of pain, makes him turn in that direction. He watches the unfolding tragedy in horror. Oh gods, it cannot be happening. He is shaken by what he is seeing, it seems unreal. This wonderful, magical creature, he watched flying every day since he came to Dragonstone, is gone.
His thoughts go immediately to Daenerys. Her dragon died in front of her eyes. Her heart must be broken. She must be devastated.
He feels the anger rising in him, he is ready to kill anyone and anything that made Daenerys suffer. He kills two wights coming at him with such a force that they shatter to pieces. He looks directly at the Night King. This is very personal now. He vows to do anything to be the one who kills the Night King.
But then he notices that the Night King is being given a second spear; sheer panic takes over, he may hurt Daenerys on Drogon. He runs back towards Drogon and yells as loud as he can, "Go! Go now! Leave!"
He has to fight the wights that keep attacking him but then he is assaulted by two wights that he did not see coming and they push him to the ground.
He hears the ice breaking under him and then he is in the water, the wights are strangling him, they are falling further into the deep. He lost his sword, so he tries to tear away the wights with his hands. The wights finally loosen their grip on him and he is free. It is fortunate for him that they do not swim.
But he feels weak and strangely at peace, and sleepy; he tries to remember when it was last that he felt that way. The sudden realisation of the exact moment, when he was laying in the courtyard in Castle Black, wakes him up. No! He cannot give up now. He has a reason to live. With the sheer force of mind he forces his body to fight and he swims slowly to the surface. When he shots out of the water, his lungs hurt when he tries to catch the air. His arms and head are above the water but he has no strength left to get himself out of there.
His eyes fall on Longclaw. 'I have to,' he tells himself. 'I just have to.' He grabs the sword, and slowly, very slowly gets onto the ice. He is exhausted, he breathes heavily but he knows he has to get up. When he finally does, his legs are starting to give in and he has to lean on Longclaw as if it was a cane. He tells himself that he has to fight for the living. He is the shield that guards the realms of men. Death is the enemy. He has to fight it. The dragons are nowhere to be seen and he only hopes they all got away safely. He hopes that she is safe; his life is the price he is willing to pay.
By this time the wights who were walking away somehow notice him and turn back towards him. He is so weak that the muscles in his arm refuse to hold the heavy sword. But he is still determined to fight.
His eyes are trying to focus and as if through the fog he sees a horse rider who swings something on fire. He does not see clearly and he has a problem with concentrating. But he sees some wights catching fire. The horse rider is getting closer to him but he is confused and he does not know if he is supposed to fight him or not.
The horse rider dismounts his horse and walks quickly towards Jon, his face is partially covered but then he removes the covers and Jon sees who it is. "Uncle Benjen!" he says in utter surprise. "How?"
Benjen helps him to get on a horse and although Jon begs him to come too, Benjen refuses.
Riding away, Jon slowly turns his head and looks back. Benjen being overwhelmed by wights is the last thing he sees before his eyes close.
Daenerys
Many years ago she promised herself that she would never allow anyone see her tears. Not even Missandei has ever seen her in her darkest hour.
Everyone at Eastwatch is looking at her. Ser Jorah is saying something but she does not hear. She is like in a trance. She tries to control every muscle on her face. She wants it to be as impassive as she can possibly muster.
"I want to go on top of the Wall," she says coldly.
Ser Jorah interjects, "Your Grace, we are loading the ship, we will be leaving soon.."
She gives him a cold look.
"As you wish, Your Grace," concedes Ser Jorah.
The climb on the stairs is taking ages; they go in silence. When she finally reaches the top she goes straight to the observation point and looks north of the Wall.
She does not know how long they are standing there. It is very cold and she shivers but she stubbornly looks on. She is holding hope against the hope that Jon somehow survived and he will come back to her. She told Rhaegal and Drogon to fly home, but Drogon stayed and he is flying over the Wall, crying from time to time. Drogon feels she is waiting for someone, she supposes.
"It's time to go, Your Grace" says Ser Jorah gently.
"A bit longer," she replies in a quiet voice. But she finally sees it is a vain hope, so she slowly turns back and starts to walk away. A horn is sounded, she does not know what it means but she follows Ser Jorah's gaze and she sees a lone horse with a rider.
She does not see if it is Jon but she just knows it is him. She almost loses control over her face as she is trying to keep back the tears that are welling up in her eyes. She rushes for the stairs but when she realises it will take too much time to go down, stops and calls Drogon. He responds immediately and within moments she is down at the base of the Wall where she sees Jon being carried to the ship by four men. She hastens her steps towards them to be as close as she can. He is alive. He must be alive. They would not have taken him on the ship if he was not.
They carry him to a room and put him on a bed, then Ser Davos and two other men start to undress him quickly. Jon's eyes are closed but he breathes, and knowing that he is here and that he is safe is the best news that she can have.
When the men step back, she sees with horror not only the bruises on his body but deep scars on his chest, one of them definitely over his heart. So it was true. It was all true.
Jon
He slowly wakes and tries to focus his eyes. It is some kind of room, windows; he feels a movement, a ship? He is on the ship? Oh, he survived then. Good. His eyes are still not in focus but then he sees the shape and colouring that can only mean her. Is he dreaming? No, she is here. The bravest, the most beautiful, the one and only Daenerys.
She notices him waking up and there is a relief on her face, full of tenderness. He must still be dreaming, she looks unreal to him, so calm, so poised, the absolute perfection of a woman. But he notices the reddened eyes and tears in her eyes. Then it dawns on him, all the memories are rushing in and he remembers the pain.
"I'm sorry," he says gently with sincerity. "I'm so sorry."
She shakes her head as if to say that there is nothing he should be sorry for, but she lowers her gaze and presses her lips together. He sees that she is probably trying not to burst into tears. She looks so vulnerable now, so tiny and so unhappy that he feels an actual physical pain in his chest to see her in that state.
Without thinking he takes her hand from her lap and holds it closer to his body. He squeezes it gently. Her hand is so soft and warm and so small. If he was not so weak, he would have pressed his lips to it but he feels that it is beyond his ability now. What he would like to do is to take her into his arms and keep her there until all the monsters tormenting her would disappear.
Instead he can only gently stroke her hand with his thumb, she does not flinch immediately so maybe it is a good sign?
"I wish I could take it back," he says in a quiet voice. "I wish we'd never gone."
She shakes her head again and she suddenly returns to her regal poise, she removes her hand from his grip and hides all the emotions from her face. As much as it is entertaining for him to see, because he was never really capable of that, the sudden loss of the contact is painful, as if she took all the air from his lungs in one swift motion.
She says that she does not regret going there because she saw with her own eyes and now she knows. She might have got rid of all the emotions but her voice betrays her. He sees the hurt despite the studied pose.
"The dragons are my children," she continues. "They're the only children I'll ever have. Do you understand?" Her voice is very emotional now and the real Daenerys is shown to him again for a moment.
His heart goes to her, he is very moved that she trusts him that much, he knows she made herself vulnerable to him because she trusts him implicitly. In her moment of weakness he instinctively felt that it is better to avoid her eyes so he gazed at her hand instead, the hand he wants to touch so badly but he knows this is not the moment. When she asked him a question, he silently nodded and looked into her eyes.
Her face hardened and there is a real anger in her voice, "We are going to destroy the Night King and his army. We'll do it together." And she adds in a gentle voice, "You have my word."
She promised to join him with no conditions or commitments, he got all what he wanted from her, giving her nothing in return. He always instinctively knew that this was the real her, kind, brave, loyal. Where has she been all his life?
She looks so beautiful and terrifying at the same time that he swallows hard. An overwhelming wave of emotion rushes through his body. "Thank you, Dany" he says without thinking, sometimes he called her that in his thoughts.
She seemed surprised by the nickname but fortunately not offended, if possible she got relaxed, he heard her chuckle for the first time ever. 'Dany' apparently reminds her of her brother that she very clearly was not fond of, at all. Well, it was not as if he planned it, so it is fine. He will not use 'Dany'.
Then he thought that he might as well tell her what decision he took beyond the wall. "What about 'my queen'?" he says. "I'd.. bend the knee but.." he tries to joke. Although he is not entirely sure if she got his meaning that he was completely naked under the furs.
She is surprised and visibly shaken; she was smiling before, now she is definitely serious. "What about those who swore allegiance to you?"
He reassures her that they will see for themselves what kind of person she is. She is unable to keep her emotions hidden again. Her eyes fill with tears and she breathes loudly, then she purposefully puts her hand in his hand.
'This is where it belongs anyway,' he thinks. His heart is beating faster and he is hypnotised by their hands together, he squeezes her hand again, and repeats the gentle stroking of her hand with his thumb. To his absolute joy she briefly and very gingerly repeats his gesture.
"I hope I deserve it," she says, her voice is shaky and she is gasping for air.
He assures her that she does. She gently smiles at him and tries to remove her hand again, but this time he is ready and he does not let her go.
He watches her very closely. She looks at their hands and then slowly, very slowly raises her gaze to his eyes. He does not want to scare her, so he does not use any words but he tries to convey the message through his eyes. She looks like she got it and she is visibly embarrassed. It is not the reaction he hoped for, so he relaxes his grip and she slowly slips out her hand even if her fingers still linger on his hand. "You should get some sleep," she says.
Only when he closes his eyes, she removes her hand completely, gets up and quickly leaves the room.
He then opens his eyes and looks longingly towards the door where she disappeared to and exhales deeply. He has an ally but now it will be his fate to make cow eyes at her as Ser Jorah does. She does not love him back.
Daenerys
Before they sailed away from Eastwatch, the Maester came and took a good look at Jon. Afterwards she was informed that the prognosis is good, as the young man apparently has a constitution of a god, as anyone else in these circumstances would have probably never even survived. 'The young man' needs a rest and a lot of sleep. She was very sceptical of this doddering old man but when she came to see Jon by herself, she noticed that his breath was even and calm and his head was not hot. A sigh of relief escaped her. He will be all right. He will come back to me.
As soon as she woke up and dressed, she rushed to see how he was. He was still sleeping. She gingerly sat on the bed and just looked at him. One of his scars was clearly visible. An awful scar in the shape of a new moon. She kept wondering who did this to him. Why would they hate him so much? She came to know him and understood why Tyrion liked him. He is honourable, he is brave and he protects his people, no matter the costs.
The events of yesterday did make her confront her feelings, the issue she has been avoiding for so long. She loved Jon. It was like nothing else she felt before, it was different, it was new and it was scary. She needs to be strong if she wants to succeed and loving someone so much is a weakness. Can she afford the weakness now? If people think her weak, they may not trust her. She has always guarded herself not to show her emotions, not to show what she was thinking. She only ever lost when she let others see her weak. So what is she to do with this Jon Snow?
She took a good look at the scars on his face, old scars thankfully, none ill-gotten during their battle with the dead men. She liked the fact that she could just stare at him without him knowing and without being judged by anyone. She liked his lips, full and inviting; she liked his hands strong and calloused from the use of the sword, …
Ser Davos coming in interrupted her inspection and she blushed slightly. "Is he still sleeping?" he whispered. She did not reply but just pointed to Jon. "Ah, right. I'll come back later then."
Ser Davos was about to leave but she stopped him. "Ser Davos," now it was her turn to whisper. "About those scars…"
Davos looked very uncomfortable. "Your Grace, if you don't mind, I'd rather have him talk about it himself." She was disappointed but she quickly nodded her assent.
As soon as Ser Davos left the room, Jon started to stir slightly. She was glad he was waking up as she needs some additional sleep herself. She slept badly as half the night she just quietly cried. Viserion was the sweetest of her dragons, she always thought of him as her youngest and the most gentle of them all. Nothing can console her now but she was happy that at least Jon has come back unharmed, well, relatively unharmed.
His eyes are slowly opening, he glances around and then his eyes rest on her, she is overjoyed that they can just look at each other like that, her eyes well up.
His first words are that he is sorry. She knows he is talking about Viserion, and no matter how much she tries, her emotions take over, she cannot risk looking into his eyes, he could see how distraught she is about it. But then he takes her hand into his and squeezes it gently. It does not help with her self-control because she is afraid that she may lose it. When he says that he regrets going beyond the Wall, she finally steels herself and takes her hand back; she is the queen, she has to be strong.
"I don't," she says. "If we hadn't gone, I wouldn't have seen." She gasps for air. "You have to see it to know. Now I know." She can hear her own voice being weak, and almost weepy. She tries hard to remove the weakness. But when she talks about dragons being her children, her voice breaks again, and even more when she mentions that she cannot have children. She needs to make him understand why she may seem weak now, she trusts him completely, but she needs to show him her strength too. She is grateful for his quiet reaction to what she is saying, his eyes are tender but not pitying, he just seems to accept it.
She feels strong enough now to tell him that she will unconditionally support him in his fight against the Night King, that they will destroy him together.
He seems impressed and thanks her, he calls her 'Dany'. That took her by surprise. "Dany?" she gasps. For some reason she finds it amusing. She tries to recall who was the last person to call her that. It must have been Viserys. "Mhm," she muses. "Not the company you want to keep," she finishes gently. She feels more relaxed now when she has told Jon the most important thing she wanted to say, it is like crossing the last bridge to get home. She smiles at him gently.
"All right," he says. "Not 'Dany'". He looks serious. "How about 'my queen'?" he asks in a deep voice, staring at her intently.
She is shocked to the core; he wants to bend the knee even if she stopped asking for that some time ago. She is dumbstruck. Why is he doing that? Not so long ago, he told her that he did not need her permission to do anything because he was the king. He cares about his people strongly, she asks him about it, even though she is out of breath.
"They'll all come to see for what you are," he says gently. He believes in her; she is overcome with emotion again. He accepted her as she is, he trusts her. She instinctively takes his hand again in a gesture of her gratitude for the trust he puts in her. She gasps for air and is very shaken. All those emotions rushing through her body; she gained the trust of such a man, a man she respects, admires and… loves. She is not sure how to cope with it all. All out of sudden she is unsure of herself, she tells him that she hopes she deserves it.
"You do," he says simply, tenderly. His voice sends a shiver down her spine. She yearns for his touch, her love for him is overflowing. Love. A weakness. She cannot show a weakness. She needs to break the spell. She tries to extricate her hand but he squeezes it harder and does not let go. She glances at their hands together.
Does it mean that he…? What does it mean? Does he love her or just …? She is afraid to look into his eyes. She did not plan any of this. She was not supposed to fall in love. It complicates things. It distracts her.
When she finally meets his eyes, she is unsure but she thinks this is something more, something other than ever before. She is panicking now. What should she do now? She is new to this. She looks away from him, and tries to go back to her regular regal poise. He releases her hand and she slowly withdraws it. Not all the way though. Despite her mind telling her to run, her body is reluctant to forgo the pleasure of his touch. Her fingers delicately linger on his hand. She tells him to get some sleep as per Maester's order.
He obeys her, she sneaks a last look at him and finally leaves the room in a hurry.
She cannot breathe, she clutches her hand to her chest as she walks briskly to her cabin, she sees Ser Jorah watching her with concerned eyes. "Are you unwell, Your Grace?" he asks gently. She does not stop and does not reply, not fully trusting her voice, she just shakes her head in negation and promptly closes the door to her cabin. Once safely inside she leans heavily on the door and tries to regulate her breathing, her heart is beating so loud and fast that she thinks it could burst out of her chest.
Jon
He was not sleeping deeply, so when he heard the door opening, he was about to open his eyes but some instinct in him prevented him from doing that. He watched the intruder through his eyelashes. This intruder had an unmistakeable silver hair cascading on her back. She was very careful to close the door as quietly as she could. That was curious. She tiptoed to the bed and sat in the same place as before.
"I see that you can't keep away from me, Your Grace," he said without opening his eyes. He made her jump, he felt the mattress move. "Don't worry I won't run. I actually can't do that now." He opened his eyes. She is flustered, she looks down at the hands in her lap. 'She is even worse at jokes than me' he thinks amused. To be fair, his jokes were usually bad, back at Castle Black, Edd always complained about it.
"I didn't mean to startle you," he says guiltily. "I'm sorry." It sounds like the theme of his day.
"No. I… I just came to… to see if you are any better," she finished on a more confident note.
"I am better now," he replies. 'Better because she is here and I can just look at her,' he tells himself. That was his wish when he saw her beyond the Wall and the gods mercifully granted it. It would be playing with fire to ask for more, for the possibility of seeing her each time he wakes up.
He wonders why she is really here. "I'd like you to tell me about those scars on your chest," she says quietly as if she heard him.
Ah, so it is just curiosity that brought her here. But something in what she said bothers him though. What is it? Oh yes, she said 'scars', not 'a scar'. He is pretty sure only one scar is visible now from under the fur rug. How did she…? His suspicions about how she could possibly see the rest make him blush.
"Is that what Ser Davos was talking about on the first day?" she insists.
He knew that she would not forget it that easily. "Your Grace," he starts reluctantly. "I promise to tell you all about it someday, you have my word. Just not tonight."
"It's not a pleasant story," he adds.
She watches him closely but she nods in agreement. He is afraid now that she will leave him again. "Tell me about Essos," he asks. "I have never been anywhere other than the North. I'd like to hear about all those places you have been to." He smiles at her gently.
"It's not a pleasant story either," she smiles back at him but with a sadness in her voice.
Once again he reaches for her hand, she allows it and does not remove her hand either. "Just pick the good bits then," he tries.
She smiles more broadly at this and she slowly starts to tell him about the Grass Sea where Dothraki live, the Red Waste, Yunkai, Mereen. At one point he starts to play with her hand and they even intertwine their fingers, she is relaxed and mostly smiling. He thinks that he has never been as happy as he is now.
They talk long into the night. They keep holding hands.
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NB: I have to admit that it was one of the hardest things I had to write in fanfiction. I mean that one bit where my heart was breaking. I vote for no more dragon or direwolf deaths in the show, if anyone listens or cares.
Thank you all who took their time to read this story. I especially appreciate your reviews both from those who enjoy my writing and those who don't, thank you very much. And thank you, Vangie :-)