XXIII.
For an instant, Meg felt as if she could not breathe. Then the words of her father echoed in her mind.
In all things, love.
She reached for his hand, then laid her head back on his chest.
"I've been told I'm a good listener," she said softly.
Billy took in a breath, then began to speak, his chest vibrating under her cheek. "About 2 years ago, we had to put in at Port Royal after a skirmish with a well-armed Spanish privateer damaged the main mast. Flint has never been keen on doing major repair work in Jamaica, but we had no choice. The damage was worse than we had initially thought, and we ended up being stuck in port for a week while the necessary repairs were done."
Thunder boomed in the distance, and he glanced at the window. "It was on a night just like this that I first went to Callendar's Tavern. The weather had turned for the worse, and the crew was restless. Flint gave us 72 hours of shore leave, knowing better than to keep the men cooped up on board. Most of the crew made a beeline for the two brothels in town, but I just wanted a drink and a good meal."
Meg remained silent, allowing him to continue without interruption.
"The moment I walked into that tavern, I felt like I was home. The shepherd's pie was the best I'd had since I'd left England, and the ale-well, it went down all too easily. But it was the atmosphere that made such an impression on me. Solid, dark wood tables and a warm fire-just like the pubs in Kensington. Then there was the woman who waited on me-she had the most beautiful smile, and a voice to match."
"She sang?"
He put one arm behind his head, and stared up at the ceiling. "There were only a few customers that night, and several old salts asked her to sing 'Blow the Wind Southerly.'"
"The song where the woman is longing for the south wind to blow her lover back home to her?"
"That's the one. It was closing time when she sang the last few lines.
'I stood by the lighthouse the last time we parted
Till darkness came down o'er the deep rolling sea,
And no longer I saw the bright bark of my lover,
Blow, bonny breeze and bring him to me.'
The old men shuffled out the door, and I stood up to leave. She turned then, and I could see there were tears in her eyes. I felt uncomfortable as hell just walking past her, so I asked her if I could do anything. She asked if I'd have a drink with her. To make a long story short, she'd been married to a sailor who'd perished at sea eight months before. They'd only been married for four months when he disappeared, and that night would've been their first anniversary."
"How awful," Meg murmured.
Billy sighed. "She was way too young to be a widow, that's for sure. Well, we had one drink, then a second...and when she brought us the third round, one thing led to another, and before I knew it, my cock was doing my thinking for me."
"You bedded her that night?" Meg asked, trying to keep her voice neutral.
He hesitated, then said, "Well, I can't say we exactly made it to a bed that evening. But the next two nights, yes."
Meg swallowed, trying to keep jealousy and pain out of her heart and failing miserably.
xxxxxxxxx
Miranda put her sewing down, and cocked her head. "I think I hear voices. Meg said she'd tell me when Billy was up."
Flint smirked. "Oh, Billy's up alright. Didn't you hear that moan a few moments ago?"
She glanced out the window. "That's odd. I really thought that was the wind howling."
When Flint snickered, Miranda shot him a dark look, then stood up and went to the window, crossing her arms. "At least Meg is getting her needs attended to. When I looked at her earlier today, I saw myself when I was young, and it nearly broke my heart. The way she stared at Billy-it's the way you used to look at me-and at Thomas."
Flint stood up, and came to her, placing his hands on her shoulders.
"It will get better. I promise."
She whirled around to face him. "When? In ten years? Twenty? I'm tired of waiting, James. I miss books, music, poetry-and I miss having someone want me the way I want them."
Xxxxxxxxxxx
"But-you didn't even know her."
Billy's heart twisted when he heard the confusion in Meg's voice.
"No, I didn't," he said softly, his thumb stroking her hand.
He felt a drop of moisture on his chest, and knew she was struggling with a rising tide of emotion. If he were honest with himself, he didn't really want to have this conversation either. But it had to be done.
When she had moved underneath him a few minutes ago, his cock has brushed against her entrance. It had taken an inhuman amount of willpower for him not to bury himself deep inside her with one powerful thrust. Meg had been as caught up in the heat of the moment as he had, and he knew without a doubt that she would have offered no resistance, especially in the throes of her climax. However, if they were to cross that threshold, she needed to know everything, even if it meant that her image of him would be shattered.
"I'm not sure I can explain it in a way you'll understand, but I'll try. Whenever I'm with you, especially when it's the two of us, alone-I have to force myself to remember that you're not really part of my world. You're an innocent young woman who's been inserted into a dirty, brutal world-a place that doesn't play by any rules that you're familiar with, and where a life can be snuffed out in an instant."
His throat tightened, but he forced himself to continue. "What I mean to say is, it's time you took me down off the pedestal you've put me on, love. I'm not sure I ever deserved to have been put there in the first place."
Billy felt her take in a shaky breath and then shift her body slightly, her hair spilling across his chest. He looked down as lightning flashed outside the window, and knew that she was listening, although her eyes were now closed
"Life as a pirate-it's an entirely different world. What you saw in a short period of time on the Walrus is nothing like the day to day reality. Imagine backbreaking 16 hour days exposed to the full force of the elements...whether it be blazing sun or storms so fierce that you find yourself reciting any scrap of prayer that you can remember, hoping to hell that you aren't swept overboard by the next wave."
He stared at the ceiling, then continued. "Then there's the hunting...the long hours of scanning the endless horizon, hoping to catch any hint of a sail. The times where you want to punch the guy next to you just because you've been driven mad by the way he incessantly clears his throat whenever he's nervous. The moments just before you board a prize, when the hooks fly through the air and sink deep into the wood of your target. The adrenaline surge of knowing you'll be fighting to the death within minutes. All it takes is one wrong move-one second of hesitation-and you're dead. It almost happened me to me the day before the Walrus limped into Port Royal. Luckily for me, Gates cut down the man who was about to sever my head from my shoulders."
He fell quiet, taking a few moments to think of how to phrase the next part. "Then when you live through it-despite nearly having your head hacked off-and finally reach shore, it's like 10 years have come off your life. You've a chance to be free from Flint's tyranny for a few days...to remember what it was like to be free of responsibility, and to do exactly whatever the hell it is you want to do, whenever you want to do it. So when I found myself alone with a beautiful woman in a Port Royal tavern on one of those nights, and watched as she unlaced her corset, then placed my hands on her bare breasts, I didn't hesitate-and I have no regrets, bar one."
"The child?"
"The child," he echoed, then laughed bitterly. "Yes, I've joined the legion of men who have left their mark on the world by impregnating a woman and then disappearing from her life."
Meg raised her head, and looked at him. "No matter what you tell me, I'll never believe that you abandoned your child and refused to help his mother."
"Ah, but abandon them is exactly what I did."
"You never went back?" Her voice was tremulous now, and he could see the pain and doubt in her eyes.
"Flint had intended to return in four months time, but bigger and better targets than could be found in the waters around Port Royal captured his attention. It was 8 months before we finally sailed into the harbor. For the first time, I was actually counting the minutes until I could get off the ship, because I had someone waiting for me. As soon as I could, I made my way to the tavern. The same old man was behind the bar, but there was no sign of her." He cleared his throat, then said, "Her name was Amelia, by the way. I asked what had become of her, and was told she had married a merchant almost twenty years her senior, a man named Raleigh Osborne. The barkeep chuckled, and said that apparently Osborne was still vigorous, because he'd gotten his wife with child as soon as they'd married, and she was due to give birth in just a few weeks."
"To your son," Meg whispered.
"I couldn't be sure," Billy said softly, "but I thought it more than likely. An unexpected pregnancy would certainly explain why she'd married so quickly. She had mentioned something to me about an elderly businessman who had proposed to her twice, but she couldn't see becoming his wife due to the age difference."
"But she fell pregnant by you, and since you weren't available, she had to make haste to find a man to marry-a man who would believe the child to be his."
He nodded, recalling the pain of seeing Amelia walking through the market on the arm of her husband, still beautiful despite being heavy with child-his child.
"I found out where she lived, and followed her to the market one day. Her husband was with her, but he left her side for a few moments to speak with one of the vendors. When she saw me, I thought she was going to faint, but she steadied herself, and gave me a weak smile. I asked her if the child was mine, and she nodded, her eyes filling with tears. She'd had no choice, and she begged me to understand-and to say nothing. Her husband was wealthy, and our child would want for nothing. Then her husband called to her, and she hurried off."
"How did you know it was a boy?"
"She went into labor that night, and gave birth to a son. The event was the talk of the tavern of the next day. She was judged to have given birth three weeks early-going by the date of her husband bedding her on their wedding night, of course-and it was a huge relief that the child had not died."
"Did she survive?" Meg asked quietly.
"Thankfully, yes. At least I don't have her death on my conscience."
"Then you may still see your son one day."
"That's very unlikely, since I have no idea where he is. Amelia and her husband moved to the Carolinas a few weeks later." He fell silent for a few moments, stroking her silky hair with his free hand. Finally, he released his hold on her, and sat up.
"Do you see now why I had to tell you? I'm hardly the sort of man that you dreamed of marrying. I'm not even the man you thought I was a few minutes ago. I'm a pirate who hacks his enemies to death when he has to...who fucks a woman in a tavern before he even knows her name, then leaves her to fend for herself when she finds out she's pregnant. A man who has a son who will never know his real father."
He reached for his breeches, and shoved his legs into them, then stood up. "Until you, I hadn't touched a woman since Amelia. I was a hair's breadth away from taking your maidenhead just a few minutes ago, but swore I'd not do it without telling you everything. Now you know." He moved towards the door, stopping only when he heard her speak, her voice trembling.
"I know what you're trying to do, Billy-and it won't work."
Thank you to wannabdonna and Lacontreras for your reviews...so happy to see more people following and reading!
Any thoughts as to Meg's reaction?