Hey guys! Sorry for the delay, I've been really busy with driving and everything. That being said, practice does pay off, cause I got my license. So obviously, I've been exploring my newfound freedom instead of being at home on my laptop.
I'm glad y'all liked the previous chapter. If you have any recommendations, you can pm me. If you like the chapter, I would love to hear from you. (:
After I get home from my Paciugo date with Nate and Mary-Kate, I decide that I should clean myself up. As I'm about to hop in the shower, I hear someone calling my name.
"Bellaaaaaaaaaaa…"
"Yesss, Spencerrrrrrrrrr?" I yell in response, recognizing his low pitched, but at the same time, squeamish voice.
"Can you come here; I have some things I need to talk to you about."
I hesitate a moment while trying to think of what he's talking about. After no such luck of remembering anything of importance, I comply with his suggestion.
My bare feet smack down on the tiled floor as I'm exiting the bathroom and throwing a t-shirt and a pair of athletic shorts over my undergarments.
As I approach him, I see a look steel through his glossy, brown eyes. Oh wonderful, a lecture. Exactly what I need to make this day more complicated!
Instead of immediately starting to interrogate me, Spencer decides to approach me with a different technique.
"How was school?"
Before I make eye contact with him and answer the question, my mind flashes back to the last few hours of my life—the teasing in algebra class, confrontations outside of English class, and texts between Mary-Kate and I.
The lie spits out of my mouth before I even have time to think whether my dad was horrible or mildly alright.
"It was good."
Well, I wasn't lying about the last part of my day. My date with Mary-Kate and Nate was a lot of fun; it added an element of liveliness to my day—one I'm sure I wouldn't have had if they hadn't been there with me.
They kept me from thinking about the funeral for a few hours of my life—the funeral that will most likely destroy me. I'm too scared of seeing her body. It will just remind me of all the secrets I've hidden in the past. If I stay away from her, then she'll stay away from me.
But, because I'm the next-of-kin, I'm planning the funeral. So option A is out the window, and I know I've got to attend the funeral and write a speech dedicated to my mother.
I have no doubts that I'll make a fool of myself; to be honest, I'm planning on it. The only question is exactly how messed up I will be.
I have so many deep emotions that I never got to display to her. I'm somewhat afraid that I'm either going to be completely irrational and morose, or will be angry and unreachable.
The anger that overwhelms me comes from abandonment. If she had told me she was leaving, yes I would have been heartbroken, but this is probably even worse. If she had 'left' me, she could have come back, but once you've committed suicide, there's no turning back.
The fact that the one person who cared the most about me did not care enough to stick around hurts. No one cares enough to stay here for me. I know it's selfish, but that's how I feel. No matter what I do, I'm always left alone at the end of the day.
The other emotion I feel is sadness; bitter, drowning sadness. I feel guilty that I could never protect us from him—that she could never protect us from him either. While I'm angry that she didn't realize how abusive he was, it also breaks my heart to realize how much she was wrapped around his finger. No matter how selfish she was, I can't help but empathize.
I'm surprised I haven't gone insane by now; there is too much flying through the thick skull of mine to comprehend.
(Spencer POV)
As Bella responds to my question, I can obviously see that she is not 'fine' as she claims. As soon as the lie spills from her mouth, I can see the internal battle playing out in her head. She's definitely not okay, and I don't expect her to be—for now.
Losing a mother-and a father, might I add—is enough to drive anyone insane. The changes that occur after death are extreme, and I don't expect her to adjust for a while.
I understand that she's struggling. I have to admit, she hides it well—but I can tell she has inner demons that she hasn't yet dealt with, and I know she will have to deal with them eventually.
Sadly, there is not much I can do to help her, because most of her struggles are psychological. I'm her brother—I can comfort her, give her food, and shelter—but ultimately, it's her that will decide what to do with the resources.
I guess we'll have to do our best.
(Bella POV)
As thoughts race through my mind, I hear a noise that distracts me from my demons.
"Bella, it's okay to be frightened."
I look at him, almost unscathed, trying to build up a wall of protection.
"I know you're scared about the funeral; anyone would be. When Maeve died, it was awful to go to the funeral, but I did it. You know why? Because it was my duty."
He takes a deep breath and continues.
"She was the love of my life, and she deserved so much more than she got," his voice shakes as he continues talking. He draws in a rush of cold air as he speaks. "I read a Thomas Merton quote at her funeral. It was the only thing we had—the only thing we ever truly shared. The only tangible thing," his voice cracks.
I look up at him empathetically. His brown eyes glance at me, full of hurt and compassion. "If you didn't know," he continues, "Maeve and I didn't meet until the day she died. We were pen-pals and talked on the phone…She had a stalker; she couldn't travel to the grocery store without being frightened to death…"
His lips curve slightly upward at the thought of her before they quickly turn down to their normal state.
"The stalker eventually got ahold of her, and didn't want to believe that Maeve and I were in love; she was convinced that she was more intelligent than Maeve, and didn't want to be told otherwise. She wanted to believe that we were soul mates, but she was in denial. In the end, no matter what I said, she didn't care. She killed Maeve before we even got a proper introduction. I never got to tell her how I feel."
I'm speechless. My head rises to make eye contact with Spencer. He's got tears swimming in his eyes, and eventually, one falls down his left cheek. His lip quivers slightly as he tries to continue.
"The point of this, as I'm sure you're wondering, is that it's okay to be upset over death. I don't expect you to move on right away. I do know what it's like to be in your shoes."
"Well, not exactly in your shoes; you're a 15 year old girl, where-as I'm a 30 year old adult. A lot of factors vary, but you get my point."
The corners of my lips twitch into a smile for about a second, but return to the frowning expression that I call normal.
"Spencer, I'm so sorry, I didn't know about—her."
I avoid using her name to cause him less pain, knowing that whenever I hear my mom's name, it hurts even worse.
"How long ago was this?" I ask, curiosity dancing off of my words.
"About a month before you came," he states. "Actually, 3 weeks, 5 days, 18 hours, and 24 seconds."
My feet drag towards him as I reach over for a hug. "I'm so sorry." A tear slips from my blue eyes, which I'm sure are about to start leaking more than just a few tears.
Before I can hug him, he reaches out for me, his large, bony fingers finding their way onto my shoulders. After the initial contact of skin, we relax a little bit. My neck peeks over his left shoulder and I stare at the caramel covered wall in front of me. I allow my eyes to blink, allowing more tears to fall onto Spencer's shoulder.
We accept each-others embrace for a while before retreating to our nightly schedule. Immediately, I can tell our relationship has lunged to the next level. We're a lot more comfortable around each other after our discussion, and I feel like I can be myself around him more than I used to.
As I'm getting ready for bed, I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. As I pick it up, I look at the I.D. of the messenger.
It's Nate.
I open the text message in order to see what he's saying.
Nate: Hey, Bella, I just wanted to tell you that I had a lot of fun tonight...And that um…I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner with me on Friday night….if you would like.
I read the text message, and I am shocked in response to his request.
Me? Why would he want to date...me?
As soon as I'm about to respond, I receive another text.
Nate: Well, it's okay if you don't want to, I totally understand if this is uncomfortable.
Aw, It's so adorable that he would say that. I pull out the keyboard on my iPhone and start to type.
Bella: I would like that a lot. What time? I just have to ask Spencer first.
Nate: 6ish? I'll pick you up, if that's okay with you. (:
Bella: Yeah, that should be fine, let me check with Spencer.
I walk out to the kitchen to find Spencer. I quickly search throughout the house to find him until I find him curled up in an armchair in the family room.
"Hey , Spencer…?"
"Yeah," he responds as he looks up from his book.
I gulp before I ask my question. "Um, do you think it would be okay if Nate and I hung out Friday night…?"
Spencer looks up at me in surprise. He seems shocked. I guess he didn't think that I would be wanting to go on a date so early in the school year.
"Not before I meet this kid."
I start to argue with him, but he puts up a hand to tell me to be quiet. I huff, and then allow him to continue. "Why don't you invite him over for dinner tomorrow night?"
Ugh. Another chance for embarrassment. Great…
"Yeah, I'll ask." I pull my phone out in response and send Nate a text.
Bella: You wanna come over for dinner? Spencer wants to meet you.
Nate: Yeah, none of his team know that my mom is "Agent Strauss." This is going to be kind of awkward. I'll meet you over there tomorrow at what time?
Bella: 6 sounds okay.
Nate: okay.
Bella. KK cool. Brb.
I look back up at Spencer.
"He said that would be fine."
Spencer looks up at me, but I can't place his expression. "Okay then, I guess we'll be meeting tomorrow then. Go to bed, you've got school tomorrow."
"Kay, night Spencer." My words drip with sarcasm. He rolls his eyes and tells me to actually get some sleep. I give him a smirk and retreat into my room.
As I'm trying to fall asleep, my eyes flutter open and shut, wondering how the date with Nate will go. I smile and my heart flutters in response to the thought of a date. Considering I've never been on one, this is going to be extremely nerve-racking.
As I'm thinking about the events of the next few days, my brain finally shuts down and my eyes flutter to a close.
Hey guys, hope you liked this. I hope it wasn't awkwardly worded, it kind of sounded like it in the beginning. Please review if you have any comments! (: