Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Three, Part Two:
By Kaori

If they had to run, it would've taken Team 7 almost two days to get to Middle Earth (1); way past the 30 minute deadline and thus an unacceptable means of travel. Fortunately for the Ninja Burger staff they have access to a wide selection of vehicles. Unfortunately for Team 7, since they didn't have enough tenure to borrow the helicopter, they had to resort to requesting a Driver and riding in the old company van.

"This van smells like ass." Naruto complained.

"It doesn't smell a thing like ass." The Driver, a sandy haired twenty-something who wasn't that much taller than Sakura, snapped. "Trust me, I know what ass smells like."

The blonde was about to ask how he knew but was knocked unconscious by Sakura's fist.

"Sasuke…"she cooed. "Why don't you sit in the back here with me? It's a lot more comfortable than that bucket seat."

"No." growled Sasuke before turning to the Driver. "Let's go Hideo-san."

"Yosh. Sit down, buckle up, and don't scream." Said Hideo.

Now, there is something you should know about Ninja Burger Drivers: they are all crazy. If you ever happen to see a Ninja Burger van coming down the street pretend it's an ambulance and get out of the way, fast. Despite it looking like a van it's built like a small tank and it stops only when it reaches its destination. If you do decide to be stubborn and get hit don't bother calling law enforcement. The police will probably tell you that there are no such things as ninja and even if there were they wouldn't ride around in a delivery van.

Hideo is the second most reckless driver employed in any Ninja Burger franchise; Uchiha Itachi tops that list. Even though Itachi no longer drives, no one at KNB has managed to hit more civilians and stationary objects than he has (though not for lack of trying). You may think it counterproductive to run over potential customers and destroy property, but since the only way anyone ever finds out about Ninja Burger is word of mouth, having people talk about being hit by one of their vans is good for business. There's not such thing as bad publicity (especially if it's free).

To the credit of Team 7, they didn't scream as Hideo wove in and out of traffic, ran over pizza delivery boys, and used other cars as ramps. But then again, you generally don't scream when you're unconscious (Naruto), too busy feeling up the object of your affection / obsession (Sakura), or are too busy trying not to be molested by your teammate (Sasuke).

When the van finally stopped outside of Minas Morgul Arms (a ten storey apartment complex), Sasuke practically jumped out of the window to get away from the overly amorous Sakura. Hideo rolled Naruto out of the van and told the trio that if they didn't show up in the next twenty minutes, he'd come after them to make sure they didn't dishonour their families by not committing seppuku.

"Lucky Naruto." Grumbled Sasuke.

"Huh?" blinked Sakura, who was dragging the still comatose blonde behind her.

"Think about it. Naruto doesn't have any family to dishonour so he'll never have to commit seppuku." Sakura's eyes narrowed and then widened when she realized that it was true.

"But, couldn't he be forced to commit seppuku for dishonouring himself?" she wondered. Sasuke shook his head.

"We're ninja, we have no honour. Any honour we might gain is immediately credited to our ancestors."

"Okay then, why not have him commit seppuku for dishonouring his ancestors."

"No one knows who they are and whether or not they had any honour to begin with. It's a big loophole but it's not a very exploitable one. As it stands, he's the first case like this in the company's history."

"Does Naruto know that?"

"Probably not or he would have brought it up when Kakashi-sachou threatened us with it, so don't tell him."

"Ooww…" moaned Naruto, who had finally woken up. "Hey, what's the idea dragging me up the stairs!"

"You're too heavy to carry." Sakura quipped.

Since the target and the customer both lived in the same building, Sakura and Naruto went to go deliver the food while Sasuke went to kill the unfortunate soul upstairs.

Swiftly and silently, Sasuke swept up the staircase (try saying that five times fast). His destination: Apartment 421. The target: Frodo Baggins.

BUM BUM BUUUUMM! Oh noes! Frodo is gonna be murdered by Sasuke. But wait, who is it that wants the heroic hobbit dead? The startling (will not so startling if you're familiar with LOTR yaoi comedy) conclusion next chapter!

1) For the sake of this fanfic, going from Konoha Ninja Burger to Middle Earth is almost like driving from Baltimore to New Jersey.