Akamaru backpacks for all!!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles

Scroll Four, Part Two: Mission - Ridiculous

By Kaori

Team 8 had a fairly easy delivery to the upper east side of town, or it would have been if the guy they were delivering food wasn't a lunatic, but that's behind them and they vowed never to speak of it again. Right now, Kurenai was driving to the Stop n' Shop as fast as the van could go.

"I still say we'd be better off letting him starve." Mumbled Kiba.

"And miss what is quite possibly your only chance to rob a convenience store?" Shino drawled. Kurenai stopped the van in surprise and Hinata and Kiba stared at their teammate in shock. A minute passed. "I was joking." The others let out a breath they didn't know they were holding. "We'd probably get plenty of other chances to rob convenience stores."

Mass facefault.

"Am I the only normal person in this organization?" Kurenai wondered. "I swear it seems that lately only the weirdoes get through the Academy."

"Hey! I'm normal!" protested Kiba.

"Kiba, you have a pet backpack." Shino pointed out.

"And apparently you're a closet klepto." He shot back, then paused as something occurred to him. "Hey, sachou, what about Hinata? She's not weird."

Kurenai looked at the dark-haired girl as she fidgeted beside her. No, Hinata wasn't weird. Or rather she hadn't shown any strange obsessions or displayed any disturbing personality traits…yet. Kurenai had been wrong before.

She shuddered as she recalled the day she learned about the Fourth Franchise Manager's toad licking habit…

Back at Ninja Burger, Naruto was getting hungrier and hungrier and had decided to show his discomfort by rolling around the floor of the restaurant moaning. One customer felt sorry for him and throw him a pickle. He did this for twenty minutes before the manager, Ebisu, came out and dragged him back into the employee lounge.

"But I'm soooo hungry!" Naruto wailed. "Come on, Closet Perv-sachou! If you give me some food I'll tell you were Kakashi-sachou keeps his porn!"

"No! And stay out of the restaurant until it's time for your shift. Why don't you watch TV or something?" Ebisu suggested.

"I would, but the satellite dish is on the fritz and all I get is Food Network."

"Then go train in the sub-basement."

"I'm a rookie employee remember, I'm not authorized to train in the sub-basement until I've been working here a year."

"Just, find something to take your mind off your hunger. You're a ninja, aren't you? Start acting like it!" and he stomped off to his office.

"Find something to take my mind off my hunger eh?"

[Many thanks to kittydemon18 who provided the inspiration for this next scene.

"Welcome to Konoha Ninja Burger, how may I help you?" asked the ninja at the counter.

"Hi, may I have one Samurai Chicken Sandwich, an Onion Death Blossom, a large cola and a Ninja Little Human Meal?" asked the customer.

"Certainly. Your total is $14.50."

"Stop!" a voice commanded, seemingly coming from everywhere at once. "You must order Number 8!"

"But that comes with a Ninja Burger and French Fries, I don't want that I want a Samurai Chicken Sandwich and an Onion Death Blossom." Blinked the customer.

"I care not! Order Number 8!" barked the voice.

"Why should I?"

"Because if you don't, I will follow you home playing THIS!"

Polka music started blaring through the restaurant.

"AAAAGHH!" wailed the customers in line. The ninjas working the counter merely glared at the ducts, having been trained to withstand such torture but still annoyed by the obnoxious music.

"ORDER NUMBER 8!"

"Do as he says!" cried the other customers.

"All right! All right! I change my order to a Number 8, but I also want an Onion Death Blossom." Instantly the polka music stopped.

"Very good sir, do you still want the Ninja Little Human Meal?"

"Er, yes."

"Your new total is $16.50. Would you like extra wasabi sauce? It's only fifty cents more." Said the Counter-nin.

"N…" the customer started to say but was cut off by polka music. "Yes! Anything, just no more polka!"

"Thank you. Please pick up your order at the counter to your right. Next customer please."

"Umm, hello. I'd like two Double Ninja Burgers and two Large Colas." Said the next customer.

"Order two Number 9s!" the voice demanded.

"But I don't want French Fries…" simpered the customer. Loud polka music blared over the restaurant. "No! Wait! I changed my mind! I'd like two Number 9s!"

"A wise decision. That will be $18.00. Please proceed to the right."

Up in the ventilation system Naruto chuckled with glee. He'd found a Mardi Gras mask a top hat and an oversized cape in a storage room. The boom box and polka CD were taken from the weapons vault; apparently it was intended to be used in case of Emo Invasion. He was about to demand that the customer at the counter order four Samurai Chicken Sandwiches when he was grabbed by the cape, dragged through the ventilation shaft, and into the Manager's office.

"Naruto…" growled Ebisu.

"Eh heh heh…um…Beware the wrath of the Phantom of the Franchise?" tried Naruto. Ebisu glared.

Team 8 arrived at the Stop n' Shop and hastily ducked into the side-alley before proceeding to the back entrance. Swiftly and silently they entered, ducking behind shelves and concealing themselves in and as displays. As they approached the aisle where the ramen was kept, however, they were ambushed…

"Foolish ninja, you will not pilfer ramen from this store!" a self-important voice boomed. "Not while I, Hirogata Daisuke, am here!"

"Great, a samurai." Grumbled Kiba. "We're going to have to listen to him go on and on about honour and The Way of the Pizza Slicer (1) while we beat the crap out of him."

"You will be taught honour and The Way of the Pizza Slicer but it is because I will be beating it into you!" boasted Daisuke, placing his hand on the hilt of his sword. "However, if you withdraw peacefully and repent from thieving, I will be merciful and spare you your trouncing."

"Idiot, we're not here to rob the place!"

"Then why are you sneaking about?"

"We're ninja, we're supposed to be sneaky." Shino noted. "When was the last time you saw a ninja enter through the front door when there is another viable entrance?"

"Well, truthfully, I only recently became a Samurai Pizza employee and you're the first ninja I've met." Daisuke said sheepishly. "Still, honour dictates I must fight and defeat any ninja I see or commit seppuku."

Hinata nodded. The Ninja Burger Standards and Practices Manual (which doubles as a floatation device), has a section devoted to fighting samurai as well. It states the following:

Single ninja versus single samurai – both must fight to the death (the samurai for his honour, the ninja for the honour of his ancestors)

Single ninja versus group of samurai – ninja must fight and kill all enemies or risk dishonouring his ancestors and the franchise. If the ninja sees that his defeat is inevitable, he must not permit himself to be killed by the samurai and immediately commit seppuku. Failing to do this will result in additional loss of honour and his pension proceeds will default to the franchise.

Group of ninja versus group of samurai – both parties must first seek approval from their respective franchises before engaging in mortal combat.

Group of ninja versus single samurai – avoid combat if possible (2). If combat is unavoidable, only the most senior ninja must engage the samurai while the others proceed with their mission.

The Hyuuga had to wonder if Samurai Pizza's Standards and Practices Manual was similar.

Kurenai, signalled for her team to stand by as she circled the samurai. "Hirogata Daisuke, I Yuuhi Kurenai challenge you! I will not let my fellow ninja go hungry!"

Will Team 8 be able to complete Naruto's task? And just what exactly did he ask Kurenai to get? Keep monitoring this site to find out.

1) One of Ninja Burger's rivals is Samurai Pizza.

2) These are the rules of a Ninja vs Samurai game I used to play. Basically a single ninja can defeat a group of samurai and a single samurai can defeat a group of ninja. However, it's a coin toss when a group of ninja battles a group of samurai.