"The cake is a lie." - Portal

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Four, Part Three: Cleanup Aisle 9
By Kaori

Kurenai squared off against Daisuke. True he was an admitted rookie Samurai Pizza Deliveryman, but she was not about to make the mistake of underestimating him. After all, it was a close quarters one on one fight.

"I don't relish the idea of killing women," Daisuke said. "but as you seem to have no qualms about killing me I'm afraid I shall have to end your life."

"How very chivalrous of you." Kurenai said dryly, trying very hard not to just walk up to him and smack him upside the head.

"My parents raised me to treat all women, even if they are filthy kunoichi, with respect." Apparently Daisuke has trouble sensing sarcasm.

Kiba, Shino, and Hinata had long since finished procuring Naruto's ramen and were cruising the store for free samples.

Well, cruising may be the wrong term for it as they used their stealthy ninja techniques to sneak up behind the store attendant handing out the samples and take what they wanted without anyone noticing. Cruising tends to involve far less subtlety.

"Mmm…Szechuan flavour…" Kiba munched on some meatballs. "Hey, isn't the company running a contest to pick the flavours for the three dipping sauces for the new menu item?"

"The chicken tenders?" Hinata asked. "I thought they weren't going to put that on the menu until everyone could agree on the name."

"I still say we should go with Kunoichi Tender Bits." Kiba started to drool a little. "We can market them as hot, juicy, and dripping w..."

"Kiba!" blushed Hinata.

"…with sauce. What?" Hinata just puffed out her cheeks in embarrassed annoyance. "Fine, be that way. Ooh look, kettle corn!"

"Shouldn't we be getting back to Kurenai-sachou?" commented Shino.

"After we get some kettle corn." Kiba said, adamantly.

Kurenai and Daisuke were still staring each other down when the rookie Delivarators came back to the aisle with their kettle corn (which Shino was secretly going to purchase after work. Yes it's that delicious.).

"Oi, Kurenai-sachou, why isn't that guy dead?" Kiba asked, after he and his teammates got comfortable on top of the shelves.

"This chivalrous bastard insists that I make the first move." Spat Kurenai. "But if I did that it would give him the advantage. Samurai Pizza's guys are highly trained at counterattacking and parries."

"But I was always taught "ladies first", surely you would not want me to dishonour my family by not adhering to the wisdom of my elders?" whined Daisuke.

"Well I'm not going to dishonour mine by giving an opening to a self-righteous samurai. Look, there's a kid back at our restaurant that's starving to death and we need to get this ramen to him before he dies. So be a nice pansy and let me kill you."

The rookies facefaulted.

"A starving child?" gasped Daisuke. "Samurai and an enemy to ninja everywhere I may be, but I would never allow a child to starve! Even if that child is a despicacable ninja. Forgive my rashness!" he fished around in his armour until he found his wallet and handed over about fifty dollars. "Here, take this, for the kid."

"Score!" thought Kurenai. Out loud she said. "Thank you, but there's still the small matter of our fighting to the death."

"Forget about it, I'm actually not on duty right now so even if we did fight it wouldn't really count. Let's just pretend this never happened." And he turned and walked away only to get stabbed in the back with a kunai. Shocked, he turned around in time to see Kurenai yank it out. "W…why?" he coughed.

"Honour and the company manual dictate that I must kill you. Besides only an idiot turns their back to an enemy." She shrugged and Daisuke fell over dead. As an afterthought she went through his wallet and took the rest of his money. "All right, just one more thing to get and we can be on our way."

Once they had paid for their purchases, they piled into the van and returned to the restaurant where they were just in time to see Eibisu the Shift Manager marching Naruto (who was still in his Phantom of the Franchise getup) off at sword-point.

"Ebisu-san, what's all this?" asked Kurenai.

"This little idiot was in the ventilation system moaning about typhoid and scaring the customers. Before that he was up there terrorizing them with polka music and forcing them to make expensive orders." Ebisu said.

"That last bit doesn't sound so bad." Shrugged Kiba.

"And that's why you're just a Deliverator and I'm a Shift Manager. Terrorizing the customers is bad for business."

"So is killing them, but nobody gets on our case about that."

"We only kill the ones that don't pay."

"Never mind about all that now!" whined Naruto. "Did you get my stuff?"

"Ah, yes." Smiled Kurenai, handing him the grocery bag. "Here you go, a week's worth of Ichiraku brand ramen and a box of assorted chocolates." Naruto gratefully took the box.

"Oooh, assorted chocolates." Mocked Kiba. "You got a date tonight?"

"You know I can't leave Kiba." Glared Naruto.

"Then what's the fancy candy for?"

"Wouldn't you just love to know."

Later that night…

"Aaah…" sighed Naruto, lowering himself a little further into the bubbling water. He'd commandeered a deep fat fryer (heaven only knows how he managed to move it without help) from storage and modified it into a hot tub and was now luxuriating in it with a towel wrapped around his head and a copy of "A Farce to be Reckoned With (1)" in hand. Languidly he reached for the chocolates that Kurenai had procured for him and popped one into his mouth. "Oh yeah, life is good."

Yep, Naruto's a diva. Scroll Five has Sasuke's screwed up home life; Sakura stalking Sasuke; and Kakashi doing nothing important but we have to follow him around anyway to be fair.

1) This is the book I'm currently reading. I've finished the two books that came before it; "Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming" and "If at Faust You Don't Succeed".