For the sake of this story all members of the Akatsuki look relatively normal (with the exception of Tobi who looks the same). Kisame does not have blue skin but he does have blue hair and pointy teeth, Sasori doesn't have a puppet body but he still looks like a little kid because he suffers from Peter Pan's Syndrome (made up disease, or at least I think it is), Zetsu is the department's man-eating giant Venus Flytrap, Deidara only has tattoos of mouths on his palms, and you can't tell what Kakuzu looks like at all because he's always wearing a full Ninja Burger uniform.

Also for the sake of this story Uchiha Madara is Itachi and Sasuke's uncle and Tobi is Madara's son.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Six, Part One: Ninja Resources Department
By Kaori

In Konoha Ninja Burger Headquarters building, on the ninth floor, between the second water cooler and the filing room (no not that one, the one across from Accounting) is the Ninja Resources Department. Paperwork is piled onto desks in a haphazard manner obscuring the people behind them from view. If you're wondering how any work gets done in there you are focusing on the wrong thing. What you should be asking is why the people behind the desks are cardboard cut-outs.

If you had been paying attention when you entered you'd have realized that, with the exception of the concierge and the janitorial staff, the whole building is full of crash test dummies, cardboard cut-outs, and out-of-work movie extras.

So where is the real KNB HQ? That's a secret. Just be thankful you won't be killed for even knowing it exists.

Hidan stood in front of a mirror slicking back his already greasy hair. He turned his head from side to side. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the hottest one of all!"

"Me." Deadpanned Itachi from his desk. He was sipping coffee while looking through various employment applications. "There is no one in this department sexier than me." Konan rolled her eyes.

"And no one nearly as arrogant."

"You know you want me."

"Yeah, in traction."

"Ooh, kinky."

"I have half a mind to cut you up for sexual harassment." She glared.

"But you won't do it because you secretly enjoy this." Purred Itachi. Konan shivered. Damn him for being so sexy.

"Ugh, get a room you two!" jeered Hidan.

The office trapdoor opened and up popped Deidara. "I'm back, un. Zetsu tried to bite my hand off again."

"Well if you'd use the stick like everybody else you wouldn't have to worry about him biting your hands off." Konan pointed out.

"Itachi doesn't use the stick and Zetsu doesn't even snap at him un. Hell, Zetsu even lets Itachi pet him!"

"So what? Tobi can pet Zetsu too." Noted Hidan, punching a hole in the other man's argument. Deidara gave Hidan the "talk to the hand" gesture (both the mouths tattooed on his hands have their tongues sticking out for the sole purpose of this insult). "Oh you did not just give me the hand!" Deidara flipped him off. "That's it!" He attacked the long-haired blonde.

"Why do we even have that thing in the first place?" Sasori wondered aloud. "Furthermore why does it have a name?"

"Tobi-kun thought the office looked dreary so he bought the plant." Shrugged Itachi. "He's been calling it Zetsu ever since it ate one of the external auditors."

"I heard it's even on the employee roster." Commented Konan.

"It was the only way we could get away with paying for the Miracle Gro and steaks with company money." Said Kakuzu. "Our department is relatively small so we can get away with it."

"Speaking of getting away with things, has anybody seen Tobi today?" asked Sasori.

"Who knows." Shrugged Kisame. "Probably causing trouble somewhere. Your cousin needs a leash Itachi."

"The last time I saw him he was headed for the interview rooms." said Itachi. "As for the leash I seriously doubt that would do any good."

Ninja Burger doesn't have a standard interview process (which is unusual for such a large company) save for one detail: if you don't get hired you won't live long enough to feel sorry for yourself.

Tobi stood by the boiling deep fat fryer humming a cheerful tune; totally inappropriate when the person you're interviewing is hanging upside-down no more than seven centimetres above said fryer. Then again, this is a ninja owned and operated organization…

"Hey, all of your screaming is causing me to go off key." Whined Tobi, lowering the poor fool down another centimetre.

"I just came here for an interview!" wailed the prospective trainee.

"I'll decide what you came here for Mr…." he looked at the resume. "Ishida (2), if that is your real name."

"What's going on Tobi-kun?" a voice asked from behind him. It was Pain, the Assistant Manager.

"Oh, Pain-san! I have discovered a corporate spy!" bubbled Tobi.

"I'M NOT A SPY! I CAME HERE FOR A JOB INTERVIEW!" cried Ishida, who got lowered another centimetre towards the hot oil for his trouble.

"Tobi-kun, let the poor man go…" sighed Pain, well used to this sort of thing happening. Stopping his boss' son's antics was a regular part of his daily regimen.

After poor Ishida was released, Pain apologized for Tobi's behaviour and sent him on his way. Once the man was out of earshot, he sent a team of Ninja Resources assassins to take care of him. Rules are rules after all and if the man somehow managed to survive, they'd bring him in for a follow-up interview.

"Tobi-kun, you know you're not supposed to conduct job interviews. You're a clerk." Pain chastised.

"I got bored with the filing and the bears don't need feeling for another hour!" Tobi complained.

"So you decided to conduct a job interview?"

"I thought if I did a good job, maybe outosan would put in a request to management that I be promoted to officer."

"Did you even finish the filing like you were supposed to?"

"Noooo..."

"Well you won't get promoted unless you finish the tasks that are assigned to you."

"Oh no! I'll get back to it right away!" and he sped off.

Pain shook his head. The boy was so predictable.

Next chapter, Tsunade, Shizune, and the D.E.A.T.H.S Ninja!

1) Seppuku isn't always fatal (unless you have a second person there to cut off your head after you stab yourself) but it does hurt like hell.

2) No it's not Uryu, I needed a name and that was the first that came to mind.