Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Six, Part Two: Department of Employee And Trainee Health Services
By Kaori

The Department of Employee And Trainee Health Services (D.E.A.T.H.S) is devoted to the medical needs of Ninja Burgers employees and wannabe employees. They heal everything from chipped teeth to sucking chest wounds, burnt fingers to brain tumours. There was even a rumour that Tsunade, the Head Medic, had a secret one-shot cure for throat cancer; it turned out to just be an elaborate hangover cure.

And speaking of Tsunade...

"Next!" barked the blonde, her staff waiting behind her to receive their assignments. The Deputy Head Nurse, Shizune, opened the door and two orderlies brought in the next patient.

"Compound fractures in the legs, cracked ribs, and a cold sore." Recited Shizune.

"Right then. Yume! Gaiju!" snapped Tsunade. Immediately the two named D.E.A.T.H.S ninja stood up straighter. "He's all yours." Yume and Gaiju broke ranks, took hold of the gurney and raced off followed by the orderlies. "Next!"

Two more orderlies entered as Shizune once again opened the door, announcing that this patient was suffering from sword wounds about the torso and arms.

"Nodoka and Jun, take this one. Next!"

"Broken nose and a severed arm." Announced Shizune.

"Pasento, Aisho, this one's for you. Next!"

This time Shizune didn't even get a chance to open the door as it was thrown open by a hysterical shinobi.

"Tsunade-sama! Please! Just examine me!"

"Ahomaru how many times do I have to tell you? You can't possibly be pregnant, you're a man! Get out of my office!" Two orderlies suddenly ran in the room and subdued the obviously mentally disturbed man and dragged him off to the psychiatric ward. "Honestly...NEXT!" A purple-haired kunoichi walked in the room clutching her bleeding hand. "You tried to kidnap Zetsu again didn't you, Anko?" deadpanned Tsunade. "Keiko this one's all yours. Next!"

Tsunade spent a few more hours taking care of accident and emergency cases before handing the reigns over to Shizune while she went back to her office to deal with the dreaded reports.

Report writing is something that is done at every level of the business not because they have any shareholders to report to, or even for an audit trail. No, the only reason that the paperwork exists is because it makes everything seem so much more official and...well...businesslike. If one were to be perfectly honest, D.E.A.T.H.S and Accounting are the only two departments with any real need for paperwork. Medical records need to be kept on each patient to avoid unnecessary deaths, and accounting records are kept to prevent unnecessary deaths (1).

At any rate, once the paperwork was done, Tsunade usually checked on the in-patients. Although there was one patient she took special pleasure in visiting...

"And how are we feeling today?" she asked, sweetly.

"Dammit Tsunade, when I get out of here I'm going to sue for malpractice." Glared the white-haired man who had been completely immobilized in a full-body cast and placed in traction. This wasn't to assist in his recovery, but to prevent him from obtaining further injuries.

"You can try, but everyone knows that if I don't restrain you, you'll just get yourself beat up by the nurses. I don't need you in here any longer than necessary taking up valuable hospital space, Jiraiya." She gave a grin. "After all, that's why you're in here in the first place."

"I'd have been perfectly fine if that little blonde kid hadn't blown my cover." Grumbled the man. "If I ever see him again I'll be sure to return the favour!"

"Yeah, yeah. I still can't believe you were trying to get the secretary to take off her top."

"It would have worked too if that damn kid hadn't completely ruined my disguise!" he pouted. "I worked so hard on it..."

"Whatever, I'm just thankful you didn't succeed. Now, have the nurses come to check on you yet?"

"One came in earlier to make sure I hadn't escaped." Grumbled Jiraiya. "Why do you keep sending the old, ugly nurses? Why not some cute, young thing?"

"I refuse to dignify that with an answer."

"Tsunade-sensei (2)," a nurse popped her head in the door, forestalling any further conversation between the two old friends. "you're needed in surgery. A Deliverator was brought in and he's got a...well it's best if you see for yourself."

"All right, I'm on my way. I'll be back to check on you later Jiraiya."

Now, one would presume that people would be performing surgery in the operating room and normally you would be right. Today, however, it was being used to inaugurate the newest addition to the D.E.A.T.H.S staff and nobody wanted to be killed for not inviting the Head Medic; especially since they were serving her favourite sake.

"Congratulations, Haku!" cheered the assembled staff, raising their glasses. Haku looked embarrassed at all the attention but raised his glass nonetheless.

"Now you're a real doctor." Zabuza, one of the surgeons who had been Haku's teacher throughout his internship, said. "I'm so proud of you!" he suddenly grabbed the boy into a tight hug and started crying into his hair.

"Zabuza-sensei...can't breathe!" Apparently Zabuza had been drinking before the party even started.

"You're like the son I always wanted!" the man continued, ignoring the asphyxiating young man. Fortunately for Haku, Tsunade knocked Zabuza out before he was suffocated.

The party quickly degenerated into a wanton orgy of pranks on the patients. The true consequences of which would not become apparent for another week or so when all the patients developed dysentery. But a good time was had by all and isn't that what's really important?

Intentionally Short Chapter no Jutsu! Next chapter, we go back on duty with Team 7!

1) Think about that sentence carefully, you either understand or you don't. If you don't understand I highly recommend that you not consider running a business.

2) –sensei is sometimes used when addressing doctors.