To The Journey
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. This is an AU story.
Chapter Nineteen: Steps Towards Healing
"Traveled three centuries, lived three days, and it hasn't made a bit of difference."
Geordi shook his head sympathetically. "If it helps, it's not just you he's been a jerk to."
"I've never seen him act like this. For God's sake, it's Data."
Data's strange behavior hadn't improved in the days since they'd saved the ship. He'd been physically repaired, but it hadn't changed his personality. He was reclusive and had even snapped at a few people. He'd barely said five words to Tasha at all and seemed to find every excuse not to be around a woman he'd professed to love so recently.
"Tell me about it. One of the assigned engineers tried to ask him a question, and he blew up in her face."
"You haven't been able to get through to him?"
"All I can say for me is at least he doesn't leave the room when I walk in. He doesn't say more of substance to me than he does to you."
"I've spoken to Deanna. He won't talk to her either."
"Or the Captain. I had to go to him and tell him Data's behavior was affecting his performance, and he told me Data's no more open to him."
"I'm worried, Geordi, and I'm angry at the same time."
"That makes two of us."
"You don't live with him."
"Fair point. How does he handle that?"
"He 'sleeps' on the couch. When he uses the dream program at all, which isn't often. Usually he sits behind his console and doesn't acknowledge me unless I get in his face, and then it's just to tell me to leave him alone. I don't know what to do about him anymore."
"If you figure it out," he said with a slightly forced smile, "let me know, won't you?"
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"Data?"
No response. She'd come to expect that, but that didn't mean she could get used to it.
"Data, talk to me."
Still nothing.
"Data, what is it? Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you even look at me?"
She might as well have been talking to a wall.
"Data, I'm worried about you." She moved in, daring to put a hand on his shoulder.
Finally, she got a reaction. He stood so abruptly he almost knocked her over and fixed her with a sharp stare. "I have told you. Do not touch me."
She couldn't help what she did next. She grabbed a vase off his desk and threw it against the wall. "Damn it, Data! Don't keep doing this to me! If you want to break up with me, then break up with me, but you sure as hell owe me an explanation for all this! Don't just sit there like I don't exist!"
She stormed into her bedroom, the bedroom they had once shared. Once she had collected herself, she went back out, hoping they could talk their spat over.
He was sitting at his console again, not even acknowledging that she was there.
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Tasha sighed and rolled over. She hated being woken in the middle of the night. What was that sound anyway?
As she became more conscious, she realized it was the sound of water hitting a floor. The shower. Who's taking a shower at - "Computer, time?"
"Oh three fifteen."
So it was the middle of Gamma shift, and everyone else would be asleep. Where was the shower coming from. It had to be nearby.
Wait. She turned in the direction the sound was coming from. It was her bathroom.
Now thoroughly confused, she dragged herself out of bed and walked to the door. She pressed the button, but the door didn't open.
Frowning, she pressed it again. The same result.
I'll just wait for whoever it is to get out. She had barely made up her mind when she noticed another sound under the water. Someone was crying.
She rushed through the override code and the bathroom door slid open. Instantly, she was hit by a wave of steam. It was a few seconds before she could see anything.
Data was standing in the shower, under water that, judging from the steam, would have been far too hot for any living person. Yellow tears streaked his face.
"Data!" Concern and near panic laced her voice.
He looked up slowly, focusing his eyes on her. "Tasha -"
It was the first time he'd said her name in days. "What are you doing?"
He slowly turned the shower off. "Trying to be clean."
"Data, if you were human you'd have cooked yourself. What is it, Data? What's eating you? What's making you act so differently?"
"It is not important."
"I think it is." She handed him a towel. "Come on into the bedroom and we'll talk, okay?"
He hesitated, but he did wrap the towel around his waist.
"Please?"
He nodded slowly. "All right."
She stepped out of the bathroom and he followed. He slid on a pair of sleep pants and sat down on the bed. She joined him, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. He twisted away.
"Please, do not."
"You don't want me to touch you?"
"No!" he said forcefully. "I want - I need - but I cannot -"
"Why?"
"Because I am so unclean. I cannot allow you to touch me."
It hit her so suddenly it turned her stomach, but she had to ask. "Data - what did she do to you?"
"I have told you -"
"I don't think you've told me everything."
He dropped his head into his hands. "After I was - cut, she asked me if I was familiar with - physical forms of pleasure. She asked how long it had been since I had - I told her I used them regularly, she said I needed some variety, and she - she -" He broke off. "There is simply no other word for it. She raped me. And now I cannot remove the filth, the grime she has left on me. I cannot contaminate you."
"Oh, Data!" Unable to bear it anymore, she pulled him close, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. His mind told him to push her away, not to touch her when he was so filthy, but he needed so badly to be held, to feel her love and her gentle touch. "Data, you are clean. I know it doesn't feel that way, but you are." She pressed a kiss to his still-damp hair. "Is that why you've been ignoring me?"
"I wanted this so desperately. I wanted to feel you and your touch, but I knew that if I allowed those touches I would not be able to let go." As if to prove his point, he had her tightly around the waist. "I could not spread that filth to you." He dropped his head to her shoulder.
"And the anger?"
"It hurt so much," he whispered brokenly. "It felt like it was burning me inside. I could not stop those emotions from running over. I did not want to cry, and instead I yelled. Is everyone angry?"
"I think they're mostly worried. Like I was." She felt his shoulders hitch as he fought the urge to cry. "Shh, just let it out, darling. I'm right here."
Never, not even when he'd thought he'd possibly killed his best friend, had she seen Data cry this hard. Sobs tore through his body as his tears stained her collar. His hands clutched desperately at her shirt. "Hold me, hold me."
It broke her heart. "I'm right here." She tightened her grip, rocking him like a baby to calm him. "I'm not going to let go."
Tears consumed any further ability he had to speak. He buried his face in her shoulder as he cried, finally giving some expression to the pain he'd been holding inside. She pressed kiss after kiss to his head, still holding him tight.
"How do you feel?" she asked when the sobbing had stopped.
"I feel - I am uncertain."
"Describe it."
"I feel - I feel as though the energy has been sapped from my body. Is this normal?"
"Normal enough," she assured him, still stroking his hair. "You've heard of humans crying themselves to sleep? You can't physically wear yourself out, but you have emotions just like any of us, and I wouldn't be surprised to find that you can become emotionally exhausted."
"What do I do?"
"Rest. Just activate your dream program for awhile."
"I cannot." A look of terror crossed his face. "She comes when I am asleep."
"Just hold onto me. I'll be right here with you." She laid him back on the bed and slid into his arms. "Just let go, Data. Let go."
Yellow eyes slipped shut and he went limp. She rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes too.
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Data slid silently out of bed, leaving his girlfriend to sleep. He hadn't been able to keep his dream program on for more than half an hour without succumbing to a nightmare and waking her in the process. He wanted to make sure she could get some sleep.
He realized he felt better than he had since before the Queen had hurt him. It still haunted him, but the burning anguish had been replaced by a duller ache. He didn't feel that same sense of being covered in grime anymore.
He couldn't help a rush of shame and sorrow. He'd hurt Tasha badly and in the process pushed away the one person whose help he had needed most. If he'd let her hug and comfort him when it had first happened, he would have saved himself days of pain and everyone around him the anger he'd unjustly fired at them.
He owed Geordi an apology, and the Captain too. Deciding professional came before personal, he took the lift to the bridge and rang the bell for the ready room.
"Come!"
"Captain."
"Mr. Data. Can I help you?"
"I wish to apologize. My behavior over the past few days has been unprofessional and unfair to many of the people I am working with. I was upset and I took it out on everyone around me."
"Data." He motioned for the android to sit. "Data, I understand how hard this is."
"With all due respect, sir, you do not."
"I've had my own encounters with the Borg before." There was just a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
"It was not the Borg. It was her. My report was - incomplete."
"Incomplete how?"
Barely choking back tears, he told his Captain a condensed version of what he'd told Tasha the night before. By the end, Picard's eyes were soft with sympathy.
"I - I had no idea. I'm so very sorry." He touched his second officer's shoulder gently. "If you need a few days off, I'll grant it."
"I do not need a few days. However," he added as something occurred to him, "if you could grant me a few hours, to attend to a personal matter -"
"Of course."
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Geordi burst into tears and took his friend in a tight hug when Data finished speaking. "Data, Data - why didn't you say something?"
"I felt humiliated. I had allowed her to do what she did. At least, I did not resist her."
"And you saved all our lives. No one should have to make that choice. Data, is there anything I can do?"
"Well, now that you mention it, there is something you can help me with, although it is not directly related to the incident."
"Name it."
"There is something I need to prepare for. And in that vein, something I need to find."
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Tasha was rather amazed when she stepped through the door to what Data had prepared. "When did you have time to do all this? I thought you went to visit Lal." Their daughter was just beginning her first year at Starfleet Medical.
The table was set with white linen and fine, albeit replicated, china, complete with candles - a specific kind Tasha knew was designed not to set off the fire suppression systems.
"I wanted to give you something for helping me. And there is also something I wish to discuss with you. This would appear to be an appropriate venue."
"I'm certainly not complaining."
"Be careful," he warned as he poured the wine. "This is real alcohol. Courtesy of Captain Picard.
"Understood." She took her glass as Data set down a basket of bread on the table and sat across from her. "Data, you really didn't have to do this. You've done the same for me. What was it you wanted to discuss?"
"Not yet. Later."
"All right." She hoped he wasn't trying to break some bad news to her. "So how's Lal?"
Over bread and wine, they discussed their daughter's experiences at Starfleet Medical. Data cleared the bread basket and brought out two plates.
"The finest replicated Chicken Parmesan anywhere. I modified the recipe."
Before Tasha could suggest they discuss whatever it was, he began a discussion about Asil. Tasha knew it was an intentional diversion, but she also never missed an opportunity to talk about her sister. Data apparently knew this; he asked all the right questions to draw this conversation out through the entree.
"I hope you are not overly full." He served her a slice of cheesecake, complete with separate dessert fork. Tasha spoke first now, unwilling to let him distract her again. "What was it you wanted to discuss?"
"Try the dessert first. Then I promise I will explain."
"Well - all right."
She lifted the fork and something hit her in the fingers. Frowning, she took it into her hand. "Data, I think -" then, seeing the item, she stopped short. "Data?"
It was a ring. A white gold ring set with a pearl surrounded by four tiny diamonds.
"Our discussion," he said softly.
"Data - does this mean what I think it means?"
"You have always been there for me, and I for you. I have come to realize that what we share is special, and not something I could bear to ever lose. You are the only woman I have ever loved, but perhaps more relevantly you are the only woman for whom I have felt anything resembling love. I know I do not want to be without you." He stood and dropped to one knee. "Tasha Yar, will you marry me?"
She wouldn't have thought it was possible to smile so widely. "Of course I will."
I know there's some debate as to how much consent was involved in Data's encounter with the Borg Queen, but I've chosen this angle for two reasons. First off, it seems clear to me watching that scene that she's taking advantage of his emotional instability (which she caused), and secondly even if he did give some level of consent in the canon version, I think Tasha's presence would shift that dynamic, because he wouldn't cheat.
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