A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your comments... :) We're really glad you like our story so much and that you want more... and of COURSE we want to give you more... as long as you're commenting and telling us you like what you read and want more, you get more :-)
There are two new characters in this chapter... one of them, Michael Holt, is „borrowed" by another medical drama show called „A gifted Man" and we pictured exactly him when we brought him in... he's gonna play a very big part in the „long course" of the story... :-) Michael Holt is played by Patrick Wilson, just in case you wanna check him out.
As for Doctor Lee, we have pictured Logan Marshall-Green. =)
And now have fun with Chapter 10, and review if you like it and want more! :)
Jackson Avery POV:
It had been 6 weeks since the plane crash and the hospital was slowly starting to gain some semblance of normalcy. It would never be like it was. Not with Lexie gone and 3 of the best surgeons out of service for the foreseeable future.
The latest blow came when Cristina Yang turned in her resignation and took a job at Columbia. It had come as a final blow and one that many thought would signify the departure of Owen Hunt.
Surprisingly, the man had decided to stay and a mere two weeks after losing Teddy a new head of Cardio was appointed and had started less then a week after Cristina left Seattle Grace for possibly the last time.
His name was Nathaniel Lee and he had a list of credentials that was damn impressive for his mere 35 years. Residency at Hopkins and an attending position at Boston to follow had made him a prime candidate for the position at Seattle.
In was in the middle of lunch that Jackson had spoken to the man for the first time.
"Dr. Avery" Nathaniel said as he walked up "Nathaniel Lee" he added and offered his hand in greeting.
Wiping his own hand on his sleeve Jackson returned the handshake "Yes" he said as he swallowed the last bit of his sandwich.
"Sorry I haven't introduced myself sooner, but playing catch up has taken up quite a bit of my time"
"No need to apologize" Jackson said "it's good to finally meet you"
"Likewise" Nathaniel told him "but I'm afraid I'm here on a work-related matter, it's about Mark Sloan"
Jackson was immediately on high alert. He had thought back to how the man looked that morning when Jackson went to visit him. Mark had seemed fine, in fact he seemed in downright joyful spirits.
The man was set to be released that afternoon and he couldn't stop talking about being home in his own bed, with Jackson he made sure to add, and watching something besides lame monster movies from the 1950's.
"Is everything fine?" Jackson asked and taking a seat across from him Nathaniel looked apprehensive.
"I've been running tests on Dr. Sloan for a few days now" Nathaniel said "and I've noticed he has had quite a bit of trouble when it comes to coordination of his hands and feet"
"Has his physical therapist said anything?" Jackson asked, worry starting to fill his body "I assume that would be a cause of concern?"
"We have talked and I've brought the subject up with Dr. Sloan today, but he seems adamant that he's fine"
"Maybe he is" Jackson said "I mean it could just be the after effects of his open heart surgery"
"Possibly, but I would rather be sure before sending him home"
"I'm not sure what you need from me?"
Nathaniel looked around as if he was making sure he and Jackson's conversation wasn't being overheard.
"Dr. Avery-"
"You can call me Jackson"
"Jackson" Nathaniel said with a small smile "I pride myself on making sure my patients privacy is protected and I would never tell anyone this, but I know you and Dr. Sloan are colleagues and friends. He may listen to you more easily then me, the new guy who he doesn't know"
Jackson nodded his head "I can try"
"Thank you"
By the time Jackson got to Mark's room he saw the man already packing the shirts he and Callie had brought him over the past few weeks.
"Hey" Mark said smiling brightly as Jackson walked over to him. Giving him a kiss on the cheek Mark zipped up his overnight bag.
"Can you believe I'm finally breaking free?" Mark said.
"Finally" Jackson said and sat beside the bag that Mark had just finished packing.
"What's wrong?" Mark asked and it amazed him that the man could read him that well.
"Nothing"
"Don't lie" Mark said "I know that I have something on my mind, but I don't want to seem bothersome face"
"Do I really look like that?" Jackson asked and Mark leaned down again and with a laugh gave Jackson another kiss.
"Yes you do, but I find it adorable"
Jackson grabbed Mark's hand "I was thinking of maybe going out for dinner if you're up for it?" Jackson said.
"That sounds awesome" Mark told him "I've been in the mood for Thai for days".
Jackson looked up at the man "It's true"
"What's true?" Mark asked.
"You're having problems with your limbs"
"What are you talking about?" Mark looked at him like he was speaking gibberish.
"I was talking to Dr. Lee" Jackson said.
"Dr. Lee, that new quack who Owen got from some bargain bin?"
"He said it's possible you could have some nerve problems"
"I'm fine" Mark said.
Looking down at the hand he was holding Jackson turned it over so the palm faced upwards.
"I've been pinching the inside of your hand for the past 10 seconds and you haven't reacted once" Jackson's thumb brushed over the red marks that appeared on Mark's skin from the pressure.
Snatching his hand back Mark was now clearly agitated " I told you I'm fine Jackson. I'm not staying here for another night"
"What if it's something like Peripheral neuropathy?"
"I'm a doctor, Jackson. I think I know when something is wrong and see" he said as he reached around Jackson and grabbed ahold of the man's backside "I feel that and it feels glorious"
"Okay, I get it" Jackson said "can you just promise me that you will stop in and get it checked out sometime this week, please?"
Mark looked as if he was processing the information and could tell how much it meant to Jackson.
"I promise" Mark said "but only if you promise that we get Thai tonight"
"It's a deal" Jackson said as he kissed Mark.
Mark Sloan POV:
Mark had been waiting for Jackson for what felt like hours, even though it couldn't be this long, but he hadn't expected their conversation to turn out like that. He knew, Jackson was just worried about him, but Mark didn't want that. Mark didn't want him to worry about him. He didn't want to have to rely on Jackson, and so he didn't tell him about his problems with his hands and legs sometimes. Also, he didn't always have problems, only from time to time, so no big deal, right? It would go away all by itself. Like the nightmares he kept having.
The nightmares about the plane crash. Which made it almost impossible to sleep through a whole night. Which he hadn't told Jackson about either. Because he didn't want to sound whiny. He wasn't a little boy anymore. He didn't need anyone's protection. He had always been strong, and he had to learn to stand on his own feet very early, because his mother had died when he was pretty young and his father had never given a damn about him.
He wasn't the type of guy who would let someone else take care of him. He wasn't someone to rely on others. Never had been and most likely never would be.
Eli was the only one who knew about his nightmares, but only because he had taken care of him during a lot of the nights when Jackson had to work or was at home. Mark hadn't wanted him to stay with him 24/7, and it was good this way, because otherwise, Jackson most likey would have been even more concerned than he already was.
Why couldn't this stupid Doctor Lee keep his mouth shut? And what about patient confidentiality? He could report him for that, because Jackson wasn't a part of his family. Officially he wasn't even his boyfriend. Just a friend. They hadn't gone public yet, even though a handful of people knew about them. Mostly their closest friends like Derek and with him Meredith, Callie, Arizona, April and Alex. And Eli, because he had walked in on them. But in the long run, Mark had to admit, he was glad that he did, and that he could trust Eli like that. Because Eli really kept his mouth shut, even towards Jackson. And Mark knew how hard that was for him, because he had told him, that secrets could destroy a relationship.
"Are you ready?" Jackson's voice pulled Mark out of his thoughts and he nodded.
"More than ready, let's get out of here."
When he wanted to grab his bag, it slipped through his fingers, because he just couldn't get a hold of it. It was like his hand didn't do what he wanted it to do.
"Shit!", he cursed when the bag landed on the floor with a muffled sound.
Jackson was by his side immediately. "Are you alright?"
"Of course I am alright," Mark said sharper than he intended to do. "It just slipped out of my hand, okay?"
"Are you sure it's nothing else?" Jackson asked with obvious concern in his voice. "Maybe you should..." he started, but Mark cut him off immediately.
"How often do I need to tell you I'm fine?" To proof how fine he was, he grabbed his bag - which luckily worked this time - and moved towards the door. "See?"
"Mark, please. I'm... I'm just really worried about you," Jackson said when he followed him and stood in his way. He looked up and directly into Mark's eyes. "I don't want anything to happen to you."
"And I don't want you to treat me like a baby, because I'm not. I can take care of myself and it's getting annoying," Mark gave back and once he had said it, he would have loved to take it back immediately, because he could see that he had hurt Jackson. The pain in his eyes was obvious.
"Okay. Fine. Then I guess you don't need me here at all," Jackson said and turned around.
He was about to leave and Mark just couldn't leave it like that, so he streched his hand and tried to grab Jackson, but he only streaked him, because once again his hand didn't follow his orders.
"Jackson, please wait," Mark said quietly, and waited until Jackson turned around again. "That came out totally wrong. Really... it's just... I'm not used to someone taking care of me," he admitted. "And I really don't want you to worry too much. It's gonna be fine." He took a step towards Jackson and placed his hands on either side of Jackson's face. "I love you."
Jackson let out a sigh. "I love you, too." He slung his arms around Mark's waist and leaned against his chest. "Just promise me you will let someone take a look at you. It doesn't even have to be Doctor Lee."
"I already promised you that, but I promise you again." He leaned down and placed a kiss on Jackson's forehead. "Let's go, okay?"
Jackson nodded. "Okay..." He grabbed the bag from Mark's hand and left the room with him, where they both ran into Eli.
"Hey... going home, huh?" he asked Mark, who was smiling at him.
"Yes, Finally," Mark replied and shook Eli's Hand. "Thanks for everything."
Eli waved dismissively. "Nah... it's okay. it's my job. Hope, to have you back at work soon."
"I hope so, too!" Mark answered.
When he turned around he noticed someone he hadn't seen here before standing at the counter and talking to a nurse.
"Who's that?" he asked Eli.
"That? That's Doctor Michael Holt. A neuro surgeon from New York. Since no one of the residents was able to take over for Doctor Shepherd and his sister didn't want to take his place either, Chief Hunt had to find someone else until Doctor Shepherd can work again," Eli explained.
Mark raised an eyebrow. "I doubt Derek is very happy with it."
Eli shrugged. "Yeah, but there's nothing he can do about it. And on the plus side: this Doctor Holt is REALLY good."
"Better than Derek?" Mark asked shocked.
Eli looked at him. "I don't really know. I mean, I don't think I can evaluate that. But as far as I've heard, he really is a genius. Just a little bit arrogant. He knows he's good and he acts like it."
"Sounds really likeable," Jackson joined the discussion.
A beeping sound disturbed their conversation and Eli let out a sigh. "I need to check on Mr. Gill. He rings like every five minutes. See you soon. And good luck."
Mark smiled. "Thank you. See you."
"And think about what I told you about your dreams, okay?" Eli finally said and Mark stared after him in shock. Eli didn't just let his secret slip? He just hoped, Jackson didn't hear it and turned to look at him.
"Are we ready? Can we go now?"
Jackson Avery POV:
Jackson knew he could be pushy and he also knew how old and annoying that could get after a while.
On the way to Jackson's car he kept a weary eye on Mark. Peripheral Neuropathy had the potential to be bad if left untreated, but Mark was right.
He was a grown man and he was a doctor.
Mark knew how dangerous these things could be and he did promise Jackson twice that he would get the problems with his hands and feet checked out.
Jackson would give him the benefit of the doubt.
Still, he had heard Eli's comments about dreams. About dreams and a way to deal with them.
Jackson wanted to say something, but he knew he had pushed Mark as far as he would go today. The last thing the man needed was more stress. Tonight should only be about celebrating and trying to return to some sense of normalcy.
After Jackson watched Mark load his bag into the backseat, a hint of strain on his face as he lifted it, he was about to open the driver's side door before he heard Mark curse.
"What's the matter?" Jackson asked.
"My wallet" Mark said "I forgot to get it from the dispatch nurse along with my keys"
"I'll get it" Jackson said.
"I'll do it, Jackson" Mark said and that strong tone found it's way back into his voice.
"You're in the car already" Jackson said "It'll take two seconds" he made sure to smile warmly at Mark. He wanted this to be a good night and spending the evening walking on eggshells was not Jackson's idea of a good night.
"Okay" Mark said "sorry"
Running into the hospital Jackson went up to the nurse's station and after retrieving Mark's personal belongings he was about to head out when he caught sight of Eli walking towards him.
Jackson knew he should leave it alone. If Mark really wanted him to know about those dreams he would tell Jackson, but he wanted to help Mark. He loved him and to sit by and do nothing while the man he loved was hurting sounded..wrong.
"Eli" Jackson said as he jogged towards the man. Turning his attention towards Jackson Eli smiled "I thought you and Mark would be long gone by now."
"He forgot his personal belongings bag" Jackson said as he held up the numbered bag that was filled with the man's wallet and keys.
"Oh," Eli said but when Jackson remained in front of him he looked at him curiously "Is there something else?"
Jackson looked nervous "I-I heard something you said to Mark about some bad dreams he's been having"
Eli looked surprised, it was obvious the man hadn't even realized what he had said aloud.
"I know I have no right to ask" Jackson said "it's just I've really screwed up with Mark over the past couple of weeks and I really want to be there for him"
"I understand Jackson, it's just I really shouldn't have said anything in the first place"
"Eli, you know what we mean to each other" Jackson told him "I can't just do nothing"
Eli could obviously see the sincerity in Jackson's eyes because once he slumped his shoulders Jackson knew he would help him out.
"He's been having pretty severe nightmares" Eli said "not every night, but he has woken up screaming more then once"
Jackson knew Mark was worse off then he was letting on.
"My brother used to suffer from them after he came back from the war" Eli said "I told Mark what helped my brother was talking to somebody about it. Honestly and as often as possible"
"Has he talked to you about any of this?' Jackson asked.
"Some, but I think discussing Lexie still hurts too much" Eli told him "maybe you can have better luck"
"Thank you, Eli" Jackson said "you have no idea how much I appreciate this"
"Just take care of one another, okay?" Eli said as he started to make his way to the station.
"I will, thanks again" and with a nod Eli went back to work.
Back at the car Mark was looking up at the sky when Jackson came up to the window and handed him his wallet and keys.
"Thank you, Jackson" Mark said "and I'm sorry for snapping at you, it's just... I need a good night away from this place"
"That's what I'm here for" Jackson said as he looked around the parking lot before bending down and placing a kiss on the man's lips.
Jackson was going to be there for Mark. He owed him nothing less.
Mark Sloan POV:
Once Jackson was gone to collect his personal things, Mark was left with his thoughts again. His bad thoughts. He was so afraid to become a burden for Jackson. To have him take care of him for... he didn't even know how long. If it really was Peripheral Neuropathy, it could take him a while to recover, and he didn't want for Jackson to live a life like that. To always be worried about the person you love and such.
He had kind of seen Meredith go through something like that when her mother's Alzheimers got worse and worse until she didn't recognize her own daughter anymore, and he had seen the Chief with his wife. This disease had torn them apart and even though he had started to move on, it had been a hard time for him.
Mark didn't want Jackson to go through something like that, even though it was most likey not to compare with each other, because with Peripheral Neuropathy, there were certain things someone could do. Still, it would be difficult for Jackson and Mark felt already pretty helpless when his hands and legs wouldn't do what he wanted. He hated the feeling of having to rely on someone the whole time. He needed to get better. Fast. Maybe he should listen to Jackson and let the doctors check him out.
He let out a heavy sigh. He didn't want to have those thoughts, but he couldn't help them. He just hoped, Jackson would be back soon, so he wasn't left alone with his brain forming all those awful scenarios about him being totally useless and Jackson helping him with things like daily routine.
And then there were his nightmares. Fortunately, they didn't happen every night, but they happened a lot. A lot more than Mark wanted them to. He was glad, they hadn't happened when Jackson spent the night with him yet, so maybe that was it. Maybe that was the key. With Jackson by his side, those nightmares would stay away. At least he hoped so.
All of a sudden Jackson appeared at Mark's side and he took the wallet and the keys from him, glad that Jackson was back.
"Thank you, Jackson" Mark said "and I'm sorry for snapping at you, it's just... I need a good night away from this place."
"That's what I'm here for" he heard Jackson say and immediately responded to his kiss when Jackson leaned down. It felt so good to kiss him and it had been just too long since they had been close to each other. Actually, they only had this one time in Mark's office, because since then they either hadn't been talking or afterwards Mark was recovering from the plane crash.
He deepened the kiss and already felt a wave of heat going through his body.
His tongue was playing with Jackson's and this passionate kisses already took Mark's breath away. Over and over again their lips and tongues touched, and Jackson wasn't even in the car. He was still on the passenger side of his car, leaning down to him. And they were still on the hospital parking lot.
"Mark..." Jackson said breathlessly when they tore apart for a second. "We should probably..."
"Yeah, we should," Mark replied, don't even knowing what exactly he wanted to say, because he wasn't able to form one coherent thought. He felt like his body was on fire and he wanted Jackson so bad. He wanted to feel him. He wanted to be close to him.
"I need you," he whispered, before kissing Jackson again, more fiercely than before.
"I thought we wanted to go out having dinner," Jackson smiled, looking down at him.
"Fuck the dinner. I want you to be my dinner. I want you spread out on the bed naked and I wanna make love to you. I don't even know what it feels like anymore. It's just been too long," Mark said. All his dark thoughts were blown away and the only thing on his mind right now was Jackson, and how much he wanted, needed to feel him. He needed to feel alive again.
He watched Jackson swallow hard, before he let go of Mark and moved around the car, to get into the driver's seat. He looked flush and his cheeks were slightly pink. Also, his breathing was deep and ragged and when Mark looked down, he could see the visible bulge in his jeans, knowing that Jackson felt the same he did.
Slowly he moved his hand to Jackson's thigh and started rubbing up and down. "Is that a yes?" he asked hoarsely, squeezing Jackson's tight and feeling the younger man squirm in anticipation.
"God, Mark!", he breathed out, clinging to the stearing wheel.
Mark leaned towards him, licking at his earlobe. "Yes?" he asked almost innocentely, still touching his leg.
"I can't concentrate when you're doing this," Jackson hissed, obviously trying to compose himself.
"On what?" Mark smiled.
"On driving," Jackson replied, sending Mark a warning look.
"But you're not driving yet," Mark disagreed and turned Jackson's face to look him in the eye. "But maybe you should. Or I'm gonna take you right here. Right now."
Jackson Avery POV:
The ride back to Mark's apartment had been the longest and most frustrating ride of Jackson's life.
Mark hadn't stopped touching him and it took everything Jackson had in him not to find a deserted road and ravish the man right there in the backseat.
The two men were barely inside Mark's apartment before they were shedding their jackets and working their way towards Mark's bedroom.
Once inside, Jackson pushed Mark down on the over sized mattress and followed that by laying on top of him.
There was a time that Jackson thought he and Mark would never be like this again. In Miami he was learning how to leave this all behind and now Jackson knew that was impossible.
Mark was in his blood and to try and deny that was a losing battle.
Kissing his way down Mark's neck Jackson made sure to study every single part of Mark's skin. He wanted to keep it in his memory and think about it when Mark wasn't able to be by his side.
"I've missed you so much" Jackson said as he started to unbutton Mark's shirt.
Mark sat up and kissed Jackson and in it the man could feel how much Mark felt the same.
Pushing Mark's shirt open Jackson ran a hand over the man's chest and abdomen.
Bending down and taking one of Mark's nipples into his mouth he heard the man moan and Jackson smiled and gave a lick to illicit another one. Reaching a hand down to Mark's pants Jackson started to undo them and once opened he reached a hand in and pulled out Mark's erection. It was already hard and Jackson started to stroke it slowly.
Moving up to Mark's ear Jackson brought the lobe into his mouth and gave it the lightest bite.
"I want you to fuck me" Jackson whispered into the man's ear "Right here, right now"
"God, Jackson" Mark groaned and reached a hand around to grab a hold of Jackson's ass.
Letting go of Mark's erection the younger man started to grind against him as Mark began working on undoing Jackson's shirt buttons.
The man had went back to kissing Mark's neck when he felt something had gone wrong.
Looking down at Mark's fingers he could see them shake and he saw Mark was having a hard time grabbing the first button.
Taking Mark's hands in his own Jackson gave the knuckles a kiss "I can get it" Jackson told him gently.
"No" Mark said sharply "I can do this"
Taking his hand out of Jackson's hold he went back to the task of trying to get Jackson's shirt open. Mark's fingers trembled and kept losing their grip and looking at Mark's face Jackson could see the man was getting more and more agitated.
"It's okay Mark I-" Jackson started to say before Mark cut him off.
"Fuck, Jackson" Mark yelled "just get up" he said and pushed the man off of him. Falling down beside him Jackson watched as Mark put his cock back in his pants and swung his feet over the side of the bed to face away from him.
Moving over behind Mark Jackson put two strong hands on his shoulders.
"It's okay Mark, we don't have to do anything" Jackson said placing a kiss on the back of his neck.
"Just leave me the hell alone" Mark said as he stood up abruptly and made his way to the bathroom door located across the room.
Jackson watched Mark walk into the bathroom and slam the door.
This was so much worse then Jackson had thought.
Mark Sloan POV:
Mark moved to the sink and turned on the water to spurt something in his face. He couldn't believe what had just happened. His hands were still trembling and he had never before felt this worthless in his life. Sex had always been his thing and now he couldn't even please his boyfriend. His hot, sexy, horny boyfriend. All because his hands wouldn't listen to his brain and move like he wanted them to move. He had no control over them.
He looked down at his hands, feeling like crying. If he couldn't use his hands anymore, he couldn't operate anymore either, and he would never be able to make Jackson happy again. And he would lose his job.
A choked sob left his lips and he couldn't help it. Tears were glistening in his eyes and he tried to grab the sink, but he slid away, so he sank on the ground, leaning against the tile wall and pulling his legs to his body.
He felt so worthless. More worthless than in his whole life.
He was so much looking forward to be close to Jackson again. He wanted to feel him so bad, and now everything was destroyed. The mood was gone and he just wanted to die.
He couldn't expect Jackson to stick with him, when he wasn't even able to touch him properly anymore. Jackson was so much better off him, and he needed to see that. He needed to show him that he wasn't worthy of Jackson's love.
When he felt his cheeks getting wet he couldn't believe that he was actually crying. That he, Mark Sloan, had tears running down his face.
"Mark, please," he heard Jackson's voice from outside of the bathroom and closed his eyes for a moment.
"Go away!" he shouted, trying to wipe away his tears, but new were coming over and over again.
"No. No I won't," Jackson replied and then the bathroom door swung open and Jackson appeared in the doorway. Why hadn't he locked the door? Then he could be all by himself right now.
"Mark, oh my god," Jackson whispered and knelt down beside him. "You're crying." Softly, he placed a hand on Mark's hands and tried to look at him, but Mark turned away.
"I told you to leave me alone," Mark sobbed and his voice cracked. He didn't have the strength to resist Jackson much longer. And somehow he didn't want to either.
"And I told you I won't. I'm your partner and I love you. And no matter how much you try to push me away, I can see that you're hurting, and I wanna be there for you," Jackson said softly, placing both hands on Mark's cheeks and forcing him to look at him. "I love you. Do you hear me? .you."
"You shouldn't. You should find someone better. Someone who can give you everything you want. Someone who is able to touch you and hold you and even fuck you. I'm not worth it," Mark said bitterly and when Jackson pulled him into a tight embrace, he started to struggle, because he didn't want to let it happen, but Jackson didn't give up. Instead, he pulled him even closer to his body and just held him.
"I love you," he repeated over and over again and finally Mark gave in and clung to him as if his life depended on it.
He pressed his face against Jackson's chest and just let the tears fall. He felt ashamed to show Jackson this weak side of himself, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't stop it. He needed Jackson so much right now. More than he maybe ever had needed someone else.
"I'm a burden for you," Mark finally said when he calmed down a little bit and was able to talk again. "I can't give you what you want. I can't give you what you need. You're so much better without me. You shouldn't be forced to be with me. And you shouldn't be with me just because you feel sorry."
Somehow Jackson's words - even though he had heard them - didn't sink into Mark's consciousness, and he just couldn't believe what a man like Jackson would see in him, if he couldn't even give him sex.
"You're so young... you're so beautiful... you could have everyone you want. The ladies, and the guys would line up for you." He looked up at Jackson, still holding onto him. "Seriously, Jackson. Why me? I'm not worth it."
It was obvious how broken he felt right now, and he couldn't bear the thought to pull Jackson down with him. If he really was sick, if there was something wrong with him... if he could never be the same again, Jackson shouldn't have to take care of him. He should have the life he deserved. Happy and with a person who could give him everything he needed.