Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Ten Part Three: Service
By Kaori

The (almost completely) male crowd anxiously gathered around the stage, all clamouring for the best spot. All of them were eager to see who would be this year's Miss Ninja Burger, but no one was more eager as the judges themselves.

Having managed to defeat all other volunteers these three men had won the right to judge the contest; which had the added perk of having the best view of all the contestants. However, only one of these judges had managed to defeat even the remaining two and thus had the greatest honour of all: in the event of a tie, he got to decide the tie-breaking event. This great privilege had been bestowed upon none other than Jiraiya from the Konoha franchise (and the biggest pervert in Ninja Burger history).

Also serving as judges for the day: Hiwatori Asai from Kumo franchise and Mizawa Domon from the Mizu franchise; both have the unfortunate distinction of being big fans of Jiraiya's pornographic literature.

"Every pervert and their grandfather are out in front of the stage." Grumbled one of the female contestants as she peered out from behind the curtain. "What the hell, there's a naked kid sitting on a white cloud hovering above the audience!"

Temari flinched and prayed it wasn't who she thought it was.

"Have you been dipping into the hooch again Fuun?" another contestant asked.

"It's way too early for that Megumi." Fuun insisted. "If you don't believe me look for yourself."

"Holy crap there really is a nekkid kid on a cloud out there!"

"Does he have red hair?" groaned Temari.

"Yeah, you know him?"

"Unfortunately..." she stomped out of the backstage area. "SPAISU NO GAARA IF YOU DON'T PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON I'M GOING TO CUT IT OFF AND PICKLE IT!" She returned to the backstage area and didn't say a word to anyone until the competition started.

The first round of eliminations was a straight up fight between contestants. This would weed out everyone who was too weak to even consider. Ninja Burger kunoichi should be strong first and foremost and only the strongest would be allowed to proceed to the second part..

"Yes! Bring on the swimsuits!" Jiraiya rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

That's right, the obligatory swimsuit competition; and for once it's exactly what it says on the box. The young women paraded across the stage dressed in swimsuits so that the judges could ogle them, then lined up across the stage to be properly ogled by everyone. Yes, Miss Ninja Burger should be strong but she must be sexy.

In the audience, Kiba and Naruto were incurring the wrath of women everywhere...

"Yes men, today is a great day for boobies!" Kiba declared, several men standing nearby cheered in agreement. "I have always said that kunoichi should not be forced to cover up in those unflattering uniforms. They should be dressed in swimsuits and stripper heels! Gorgeous!"

"Amen to that brother. Boo to stifling ninja outfits! Hooray bikinis!" cheered Naruto. Another round of cheers from the men nearby. Hinata, one of the few girls not entered in this competition, was mortified. The man of her dreams is a pervert.

"And look at how round and sumptuous they look all lined up in a row like that. Well, with the exception of numbers fourteen, ten, and six. Their breasts aren't real. I don't like fake boobs."

"Considering you've never been within ten feet of any since your mom stopped breast feeding you, I would think you'd take what you can get." Scoffed Sasuke.

"Shut up! I have so!" growled Kiba. "Don't talk like you've gotten to cop any feels, you've probably never even seen a decent set of boobs before today!"

"Believe what you want little man." The Uchiha shrugged. He didn't feel the need to tell the other boy that girls have been flashing his brother for as long as he could remember; being in the vicinity of said incidents guaranteed a free show and some snuggling. It was probably the only thing he'd be grateful to his brother for. "Although that bastard needs to stop stealin' my porn..."

"What was that Uchiha?"

"I didn't say anything you idiot. Now shut up, I can't concentrate with you yammering on."

At the judges' table, all three were furiously calculating their scores; the scores are tabulated based on the appearance and measurements each contestant possessed. The scores would eliminate anyone whose proportions were not adequate, features less than adorable, or hair not silky-looking enough was immediately removed from the stage.

"Number eleven, disqualified! Not cute enough!" barked Jiraiya. "Numbers seven and twenty-four, disqualified! Too much ass! Number sixteen, hair not soft enough! Change your brand of conditioner and try again next year! Contestants ten, six, and fourteen are disqualified for the foobies(1)!"

Soon there were only ten girls on the stage: Ino, Sakura, Temari, and TenTen were among them.

It was at this point that something occurred to Kiba. "Hey, Hinata," he turned to his teammate. "how come you didn't enter? You're probably one of the cutest girls in our franchise."

"Kurenai-sachou wouldn't sign my permission slip." Hinata sighed.

"We have our ten finalists!" Jiraiya announced. "Who among these pretty young things will be crowned this year's Miss Ninja Burger? We will have a brief intermission while the contestants get ready for the talent portion of the contest."

What sort of talents will the contestants showcase for the audience? Will the authoress get flak for all the rampant sexism? Who does Sasuke buy his porn from? Where does he keep it? Why doesn't Itachi just buy his own? At least one of these questions answered next chapter.

1) Foobies = fake boobies.