FINALLY! The Miss Universe '09 contestants have left the country! Now I can traverse the island without worrying about traffic...(looks at the calendar and sees that school starts next week)...goddammit...

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Eleven Part One: Talent Portion
By Kaori

"All right everyone, we will now begin the talent portion of today's contest. First up, is Miss Yanagi Fuun from the Mizu Franchise. She will be performing The Minute Waltz on the saxophone while writing a haiku with her feet." Announced Asai.

The talent portion of the competition served only as a way for the contestants to distinguish themselves from their fellow kunoichi. Yes they were all very nice to look at but what else could they do besides that. Also, the Miss Ninja Burger hopefuls had to showcase a talent that had nothing to do with their jobs.

"That was certainly very interesting." Jiraiya hummed. "Next, we have the lovely Watanabe Mako who will tap dance while knitting a pair of socks..."

It continued on like that for the next six competitors which included Ino hypnotizing a volunteer from the audience into thinking they are a Evil Knievel then forcing them to jump the entire audience on a unicycle (it didn't end well), TenTen balancing a broom on her nose while fighting a rabid wolverine, and Sakura doing celebrity impressions (between you, me and the tree, her Jimmy Durante needs work ha cha chacha chaaa (1)) while creating a scale model of the Sistine Chapel.

"And now, the lovely Spaisu no Temari will dazzle us with her rendition of Blue Velvet (2) while walking across hot coals."

Between Temari and the piano, was a fire pit. Several men in the audience whistled and catcalled when she hiked up the blue velvet evening dress she was wearing.

"That's my sister you bastards!" Kankuro yelled, and proceeded to beat the tar out of the offenders.

Somehow, Temari managed to ignore this and took in a deep breath in preparation as the intro played. She opened her mouth to sing and...

"DEATH TO THE CLOTHED OPPRESSORS!" Gaara, wearing absolutely nothing, ran across the stage and yanked off his sister's dress. The crowd went wild! Poor Temari, mortified, ran off the stage screaming while various camera flashes went off.

"Well, that was different." Blinked Domon, writing down his score. "Coming on stage next, Akabane Beru will demonstrate how to give an enema to a hippopotamus while simultaneously grooming a chihuahua."

This particular performance ended quite badly when the chihuahua got loose, bit the hippopotamus and poor Beru ended up underneath it. She was immediately eliminated on the grounds of being dead. On the bright side, she did get a posthumous award: Miss Darwin Award. Also eliminated this round were Temari (as she never actually got to perform), Ino (for endangering the audience and causing the death of the volunteer), and two others.

"We have our final five contestants." Stated Jiraiya. "In no particular order: Nolastname TenTen, Wataro Tomoe, Haruno Sakura..."

"TAKE THAT INO-PIG! LOVE PREVAILS!"

"Sratch that. Haruno Sakura is disqualified for the schadenfreude."

"GODDAMMIT!"

"Continuing...Yanagi Fuun, and our final contestant, Sadahara Yolei. As soon as our four contestants have changed into their Ninja Burger Uniforms we will begin the final part of our competition, the question and answer portion of the program."

"Well this is a letdown." Kiba complained. "The only girl left from our franchise is that TenTen chick, and she's nowhere near as hot as those other chicks."

"There's always next year." Shikamaru pointed out.

"True, and next year maybe Ino and Sakura will fill out those swimsuits a little better."

"Are you calling us flatchested?" growled the aforementioned girls.

"No, you're perfectly proportioned up there for your ages and heights." Stated the Inuzuka. "You just lack ass."

Two indignant squawks were the only warning he got before he was mercilessly beaten and drug off to be tortured. Really, some people don't know when to stop.

What kinds of questions will the judges ask our final four contestants? Who will be Miss Ninja Burger? Where did Gaara run off to and is he wearing any clothes? When will I finally be transferred to my new position? Why the hell am I asking you guys?

1 While I am not old enough to have seen this guy perform (he died two years before I was born), I had seen his likeness in enough Looney Toons cartoons to do a decent impression.

2 Either the Bobby Vinton song or the third ending to Dragonball GT, you pick.