*sticks her fingers in the latest batch of fanfics* Tastes like diabetes... Well, I have just the thing to fix that. More...
Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Eleven Part Two: Q & A
By Kaori
Half the crowd had left the staging area, mostly young Ninja Burger employees who had already got what they came for (kunoichi in revealing attire), so the deliverators from the Konoha franchise and Kankuro were able to get closer to the stage.
The contestants were now dressed in their usual Ninja Burger uniform awaiting cross examination from the judges.
"So ladies and gentlemen we shall commence with the final portion of our program." Jiraiya stated. "Each contestant will be asked five questions. Failure to answer a question immediately and to the judges' satisfaction will be...unpleasant and result in instant disqualification. I will be serving as grand inquisitor, LET THE INQUISITION BEGIN!"
Before any of the contestants had any idea what was happening, they were tied up and hung upside down over a pit full of rabid cabbits (1).
"Now then, we'll start with Wataro-chan. Your first question: what colour are your panties?"
"What the Hell? What kind of a question is that?" She was instantly dropped into the pit of cabbits and mauled. "EEEEYAAAARRGGGH!"
Jiraiya, nonplussed, moved on to the next contestant. "Sadahara-chan, your first question: if a girl doesn't put out on the fifth date, is she a tease or a prude?"
"That's a trick question. If I say either you'll call me a slut." Glared the girl, although she seemed just as annoyed at the question as Wataro had.
Pouting, Jiraiya scribbled something on his score sheet before dropping Wataro into the pit. "Okay, Nolastname-chan..."
"Um, just call me TenTen please." Sighed TenTen.
"Very well. TenTen-chan, what's your favourite pornographic film?"
"I don't watch pornos I'm underage!"
"Curses. All right then. Yanagi-chan, same question."
"Er...well it's...[censored because anything the authoress thinks up won't be nearly as funny as what the readers will think it could be]"
Jiraiya's face screwed up in concentration. "Isn't that the one where four co-eds go shopping but somehow and wind up being [censored] by the Russian mafia before being [censored] and [censored] the Mounted Police."
"And then after that they end up out in the middle of nowhere and a farmer and his three sons show up in a pickup truck and [censor] them in the [censor] and it turns into [censor] when the bus full of nuns shows up. (2)"
"Ah yes, great movie."
"The sequel's even better."
"Really?"
"Yeah, there's this whole scene with a horse, a vat of vanilla pudding, and the Norwegian track team."
While this exchange was going on, the audience members were either blushing furiously, running off to...take care of business, trying not to pass out from nosebleeds, or calmly calling the adult entertainment stores to see if they could find a copy of the film.
The other two judges, after managing to find an adult film store online and order copies, reminded Jiraiya what they were here for.
"Oh, right." Coughed Jiraiya. "Er...where were we?"
The next two questions were far less risqué.
"TenTen-chan, what are the four mystic moves of Miyagi-do?"
"Kuruma-migaki no Jutsu, Ie-nuri no Jutsu, Yuka-arai no Jutsu, and Saku-nuri no Jutsu. (3)" She recited.
"Very good. Yanagi-chan, name those who we will not deliver to."
"Ack...er...pirates. samurai, T. Burke of Tampa Florida, terrorists, T. Barry, V. Delaney, and C. Deleveaux in The Bahamas(4)."
"Hmmm....TenTen-chan is it okay to purchase a Sherman Tank to smash through the rear of a fortified encampment to rescue a trapped teammate?"
"No."
"Correct. Yanagi-chan, is it acceptable to use the company van to wage war on rival franchises?"
"Oh, hell yeah!"
"Very good."
The next question cannot be revealed here as it alludes to rather sensitive information about a certain client of the franchise and the very secret, specialized technique used while making deliveries to said client.
Finally, it was time for the last question. With Nolastname Tenten and Yanagi Fuun still in the running, the last question was a sudden-death elimination. Whoever answered first would be the new Miss Ninja Burger.
"Are you ready?" Jiraiya asked.
"Hai." Fuun replied.
"Ye...EEEYAAAAARRGGH!" TenTen was dropped into the pit.
"Congratulations Yanagi-chan! You are Miss Ninja Burger!" Jiraiya proclaimed, happily handing over the Miss Ninja Burger Apron to the winner once she had been released from her bondage.
"Well that was disappointing." Sighed Neji. "I'm hungry, anybody up for a burger."
A chorus of "yeah"s and the audience dispersed.
Okay, how many of you saw that ending coming? Anyway, next chapter is the three-legged battle royale.
1) If you don't know what a cabbit is you fail as an otaku.
2) I've probably invoked Internet Rule #35 several times over.
3) Taken verbatim from the Ninja Burger Honorable Employee Handbook. For those of you who don't know: Wax Car, Paint House, Sand Floor, and Paint Fence.
4) The first four are from the manual, the others I added because they get on my damn nerves.