Okay, some people have been asking when the sequel to Where the Hell Are We Now is going to be uploaded. I generally don't write more than two stories at a time but if you guys really want me to start it I will (under protest). Go to the poll in my profile to vote.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled fanfic already in progress...

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Eleven Part Three: Going for Broke(n bones)
By Kaori

"Did you ever think," Kankuro mused aloud. "that we should lay off the burgers?" The assembled rookies collectively snapped their heads towards him, horrified looks on their faces. Kankuro raised an eyebrow at them (or at least we assume so, hard to tell with all that face paint) and they all burst out laughing.

"Heheh, that was a good one." Chuckled Chouji. "Hoo, "lay off the burgers" you had us scared for a minute." He got up to go buy another burger when the sound of an incredibly loud siren stopped him dead in his tracks.

For a moment nobody moved, so utterly bewildered were they by this sudden (and deafening) event. Before anyone knew what was happening, several of their fellows were suddenly grabbed by their wrists and dragged off somewhere.

"What the hell is go..." Ino started to yell but she, too was abducted.

The siren died down shortly after that and a voice on the P.A. system said not to panic and that everyone who was taken away will be participating in the three-legged battle royale...whether they wanted to or not. It then instructed that the competition would be taking place in the large pit near the DDR tent.

The three-legged battle royale only has four rules. Rules one through three: no killing, fight until you can't fight anymore, and the last one standing wins. The fourth rule is the most important: the last two people standing must be joined at the legs. In other words, two people tethered together have to fight off every other pair of similarly handicapped people until only they are left before viciously turning on each other like a deranged chimera.

However, that isn't even the part that makes this particular competition so interesting. No, it was the fact that (on average) there is a seventy percent chance that the people tied together don't know each other, and a twenty percent chance that they hate each other's guts. The ten percent chance of a pair knowing each other or even being friends is incredibly rare and has only happened once in the entire history of the event; and even then that didn't stop them from beating the hell out of each other.

Twenty pairs of ninja were dragged to the field. Twenty pairs all knowing that there can be only one. Do or die. There is no second place. Win or go home. Failure is not an option. Join the Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people then kill them... All right, who switched my sports clichés for sarcastic war quotations?

"That settles it our narrator is a nerd." Muttered Sakura who, apparently, can still hear me.

"Oh great, it's bad enough that I've been tied to you but now I find out your a freakin' schizophrenic too." Ino glared.

"I am not schizophrenic you Botoxed trollop!"

"I'll have you know my lips are naturally this luscious, unlike your bad dye job! Who do you think you're fooling?"

"OH THAT IS IT! DIE PIG BITCH!"

"BRING IT ON YOU SKANKY WHORE!"

While I'm sure most of you would prefer to watch the eye-gouging carnage that is about to ensue, I'm afraid I must direct your attention to some of the other similarly conflicted teams on the field.

"You know, I really don't understand why you seem to dislike me so much."

Glare, glare, barely withheld loathing, glare.

"I mean, really I've never actually done anything to you."

Withering look, glare, glare.

"Besides, shouldn't you be a little more mature about this? I should think that at your age you would have learned to put aside whatever feelings of mistrust you have towards me and work towards a common goal."

Death glare, gnashing of teeth, muttered curse.

"Really Sasuke, this is hardly fitting behaviour for a ninja." Itachi sighed.

"Hate...you...so... fuck..ing... much." Seethed Sasuke, hands clenching and unclenching in barely controlled rage at each syllable. The fact that he had to work with his older brother in this competition was clouding his judgement, making him ignore the fact that he'd have to work with him to if he wanted to win this competition. Not to mention that if he'd stopped to look around, he'd notice that he was the only deliverator tied to a manager, and a Ninja Resources manager at that. As an added bonus, if he and his brother made it to the end, he'd have the opportunity to (attempt to) kill Itachi. Too bad he's too blinded by rage to think. Ah the folly of youth.

Also participating and hating every second of it were Kiba (paired with a foul-smelling employee from the Kumo franchise who was known only by his codename, Stinking Cloud), Chouji (still hungry and tied to a deliverator from Iwa named Fujima; who swings from dejected to paranoid psychotic every two minutes), and TenTen (partnered with a perpetually horny ninja from Kusa called Ginko).

Naruto, Hinata, Shikamaru, Neji, Lee, Gaara (who had decided that clothes weren't so evil after all when he was approached by a paedophile), Temari,and Kankuro managed to find good seats overlooking the pit. They saved one for Shino who went to buy some roasted corn for everyone to snack on during the competition.

"This is gonna be good." Grinned Temari. "I hear the winner gets a two month vacation for four at a fancy resort."

"Anybody who survives a fight with nineteen other people needs a vacation." Shikamaru muttered. "Personally I'm glad it's not me down there."

"Yeah, 'cause then you'd actually have to do some work you lazy...Oh snap they started!" Naruto exclaimed. "Hey, don't Ino and Sakura know they're supposed to fight the other guys first?"

"Somehow I don't think they care." Neji sighed. "And where's Shino with that roasted corn?"

Down in the pit, Kiba and his partner had already been dispatched. Kiba from the overwhelming stench of Stinking Cloud, and Stinking Cloud from being encumbered with Kiba's unconscious body.

Chouji and Fujima lasted two minutes. Fujima had started the fight in psychotic mode but as soon as he became depressed again he stopped fighting while he and Chouji were being attacked by a pair of dispatchers. Chouji, weak from hunger, was unable to defend both himself and Fujima and they were swiftly knocked out.

Surprisingly, Sakura and Ino's catfight was keeping just about everybody else from attacking them and even helping them to fend off the ones that did. One of them might even have gone on to win the whole thing if their fight hadn't tumbled into the Uchiha brothers. Neither of the girls would lift a finger against their "sexy gods" and were thus disqualified from the competition.

As for the Uchiha brothers, despite Sasuke's murderous intentions they were doing quite well. Sasuke would attack Itachi and Itachi would re-direct his attacks at a nearby pair of enemies. This strategy worked until only they and one other pair were left.

That final pair was Ginko and TenTen. Neither of them were paying any attention to the other competitors as they only had eyes for each other; that is to say, Ginko had his eyes on getting into TenTen's pants, and TenTen had her eyes on where Ginko was putting his hands and doing everything in her power to stop him from raping her in front of everyone. This had kicked up a huge cloud of dust.

While I can't tell you exactly what happened between the two or even what was said (this fic is rated T after all), it was head-tiltingly kinky-sounding enough for Sasuke to stop trying to murder Itachi and watch. Needless to say, neither of them were prepared when the dust cloud came their way and TenTen (in her desperation to get away from Ginko) mule kicked them both in the crotch.

In the end, TenTen managed to score a victory by picking up Sasuke's body and beating Ginko senseless.

"Did I miss anything?" Shino asked, as he returned with the roasted corn.

"Only the whole thing." Naruto snorted, taking his roasted corn. "What the hell took you so long?"

"There was a line."

"Attention please, attention please. Registration for the tug-o-war competition is now open. All those wishing to compete please line up at the booth next to the cotton candy stand." The PA crackled.

"All right! I've been waiting for this all day!" Naruto cheered.

What kind of company picnic would this be without tug-o-war? A crappy one, that's what! Get a firm grip on your patience and hold on tight until the next chapter comes out!