Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Thirteen, Part Three:
By Kaori
Hunting down three teenagers in an unfamiliar area is not a simple task, especially since no one had any real clue as to where they might have gone. Worse, without money they couldn't go home if they wanted to and they didn't dare call their parents for fear of their wrath. So they did the only thing a teenager can involved in sitcom-esque wacky hijinks: call the least responsible adult they know for help.
"Please Kakashi-sachou!" Sakura begged on her cell phone, going silent as she listened to the response. "But we don't have any money! Shino stole our wallets!" She frowned. "What do you mean "good for him"?" A pause. "Of course we wouldn't have left them behind if they hadn't taken our money! Naruto is franchise property, we'd get in serious trouble if he's not returned!" Another pause. "Oh really? Well you are our supervisor which means that you'd also be held responsible and have to be punished." A short pause. "What do you mean you'll be down in two minutes? Just where are y… Huh? Look up?" All the teenagers looked up and then did a double-take; Hatake Kakashi was leaning out a fourth floor window of the apartment complex across the street, cell phone to his ear and waving his free hand at them.
"You live here Kakashi-sachou?" Sasuke asked once the older man had joined them on street level.
"Nah, that's my friend Pedro's place. He went missing some time ago, but I kept the keys to his apartment so that I could keep an eye on it for him…and hide from my landlord when he gets mad at me for making fun of his accent." Kakashi explained. "Anyway, you say you need help tracking down Naruto and the dorks under Kurenai's supervision right? Have you tried tracking Naruto's GPS chip?"
"You had him chipped?" blinked Shikamaru.
"Of course I didn't! The franchise manager had it done when his parents were killed."
"Why?" TenTen asked the question everyone was thinking anyway.
"He is company property, we need to be able to locate him if he's stolen or misplaced."
"So, he has a tracking chip in him?" Neji deadpanned.
"Yep, once you input his chip number into the tracking system we'll be able to find him."
"Is that legal?" asked Chouji.
"No, but it was easier than adopting him (1)." Chorused Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke.
Back to the missing deliverators, Naruto was getting impatient. While he had no doubt that his colleagues would come to their rescue (if only to get their money back) it was almost certain that by the time they arrived it would be too late to stop Orochimaru. Furthermore, he was getting hungry and with his arms chained to the wall he couldn't scratch his itchy nose; how exceedingly irritating. In a desperate effort to distract himself from his itchiness and hunger he looked over to his comrades.
Kiba had fallen asleep in his restraints and a puddle of drool was collecting below him. Hinata appeared to be watching the goings-on in the kitchen. Shino…was missing? What the fuck? Naruto decided to watch the kitchen and caught a glimpse of a familiar hoodie popping up at random throughout the kitchen; apparently this was what Hinata was watching.
It may interest the reader to know that Shino's kleptomania was not borne of any head trauma or borne of a suppressed obsessive compulsive disorder. No, his urge to steal things comes from his family's specialized training in corporate sabotage. The Aburame clan is one of Ninja Burgers best saboteurs who have led to the demise of many a franchise. Ever heard of Swank's Pizza or Chicken Unlimited? They're the reason why (2). At any rate, Shino's training went a little too far and now he's compelled to steal things from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to sleep; at which point he dreams about stealing. Most of the time he's able to control the compulsion but sometimes, when he's not working, he has to assuage the urge by committing petty theft. This is actually a huge improvement. Initially he'd steal everything that wasn't nailed down or on fire (although occasionally he'd steal things that were nailed down and on fire) and sabotage everyone he happened to come across. To date, his skills have only failed on three people: Konoha Ninja Burger's Third Franchise Manager, Uchiha Itachi, and Uchiha Tobi; the latter because he pretty much sabotages himself.
But back to Shino Solid Snaking it in the Oto franchise kitchen.
Shino was bored and hungry so he used the lock picks he kept up his sleeve to release himself from his restraints. Once free he immediately stole the ingredients necessary for the creation of a ninja burger, assembled it, consumed it, and then stole a soda on its way to the delivery bay. From there he went from table to table, putting cockroaches in the food and dispensing laxative powder into the drinks. Feeling frisky, he stole all the kitchen staff's money and threw their credit cards into the industrial grade garbage disposal. Satisfied for the time being, he slipped back over to his comrades and locked himself back into the manacles. Naruto glared at him.
"What?" Shino asked innocently.
"You could at least have made me a burger, you bastard." Naruto growled.
1) What do you know? The fic has its own catchphrase.
2) Actually, this is not true, these two fine establishments went out of business because of Pizza Hut and Kentucky Fried Chicken respectively. Or I could be lying and it actually was the Aburame clan…