To The Journey

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. This is an AU story.

Chapter Forty-Six: Obstacle in the Path

"Keep a docking bay open for us. We hope to see you -" and then the line went dead, cutting off the end of Janeway's remark.

Thirty-eight minutes," Paris remarked. "That's no small feat, you two."

Asil nodded, her characteristic Vulcan stoicism in full force, but Barclay seemed to be less than thrilled. Paris noticed. "Why the long face, Mister Barclay?

"Because, because it's over, sir.

"No, Lieutenant," he corrected. "I'd say that Project Voyager is just beginning, thanks to you." He turned to Asil. "And you, Lieutenant. Why weren't you assigned to this project to begin with?"

"My existing duties occupied enough of my time to make an additional assignment impractical, and I did not see a logical reason to abandon any other project partway through in order to work on this one, despite my personal connection to Voyager."

"But you did look into Lieutenant Barclay's research," Harkins pointed out.

"Only because it appeared no one else would. It appears I was incorrect, Admiral. I apologize for my misconception."

"An understandable mistake, Lieutenant. You had only my behavior at the briefing to go on, and considering what just happened, I'll be the first to admit I was dismissive. No apologies necessary." He smiled. "Although I won't say I'm sorry for being dismissive, if that's what it took to get you on the project. Pulling in Dr. Kahn's research isn't something any of us would have thought of." He smiled. "Now, as for letting someone into the lab who was relieved of duty, tell me the truth. Exactly what happened?"

"After I reviewed both Lieutenant Barclay's research and Dr. Kahn's, I came down to the lab with the intention of attempting the plan."

"So you didn't call Lieutenant Barclay here."

"No, I did not. Had he not been here, I would have attempted to implement the plan without assistance. However," she admitted, "I suspected he would attempt to return to the lab tonight, regardless of the ban."

"You did?" Barclay asked, surprised.

"I spoke to an officer who used to serve with Mr. Barclay. She told me he is inclined to follow his research through even over objections, regardless of whether the source of those objections outranks him."

"A-admiral, I was about to - to tamper with the security system when Lieutenant Asil showed up. I would've gotten into the lab with or without her help."

"Understood, Lieutenant, and I appreciate your honesty. All the same, Lieutenant Asil, that doesn't make it right for you to grant him access he wasn't entitled to. If you hadn't known that would be one thing, but Commander Harkins says he told you Lieutenant Barclay had been relieved of duty."

"I will not deny that, Admiral."

"I'm glad to hear that. Considering mitigating factors, the consequences will be as follows. Lieutenant Asil, consider this an official warning. A notation will be placed on your file for the next 180 days. If, at that time, you have committed no other infractions, the notation will be removed and none of this will be reflected in your permanent record."

"Thank you, sir."

"As for you, Lieutenant Barclay, seeing as you were the one who was told not to be here, I'm afraid I have to be a little more strict with you. A reprimand will be placed on your permanent record. However, in recognition of the same mitigating circumstances, I don't believe any further disciplinary action is necessary. Assuming Commander Harkins agrees, I believe your suspension can be lifted and you can be cleared to return to work."

"On three conditions," Harkins put in.

"What conditions?" Barclay asked, his voice a mixture of eagerness and trepidation.

"First of all, you use Starfleet Engineering Corps holodeck systems for research purposes only. Second, you see a counselor of your choosing regarding your holo-addiction - and yes, Lieutenant, I do have to consider this a relapse, considering the situation. And third, you are to be supervised or work with another officer for any part of your work that requires you to use holographic simulations until such a time as your counselor deems that precaution no longer necessary, at which point he or she can contact me directly and let me know as much. Do we have a deal?"

"Okay, Pete," he replied. "We have a deal."

"Then welcome back, Mr. Barclay."

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"I'm sorry you got in trouble over me."

"It is of no consequence," Asil replied evenly. "The notation on my file will only apply for the next six months, and as I do not intend to seek a new assignment during that time, and nor do I intend to commit any infraction that would cause the notation to become permanent, it will have no true impact on my life."

"But your supervisor -"

"Captain Scott once served under Captain Kirk. I doubt he will view a minor breach of regulations as cause for concern. It is you whose record is permanently affected; perhaps you should be more concerned with yourself than with me."

"I don't care about my rank," Barclay replied. "I know I'm not command material - I'll never be a Captain, probably never be a Chief Engineer either. What does it matter if I'm a few months later on a promotion than I would have been? When it comes down to it, any decent commander allocates the work to the person who can do it, not the person with the highest rank. I'll be doing the same work regardless of how many pips I have on my collar."

"That is a very logical way of perceiving the situation. And you are correct. If I ever need an engineer for a project requiring innovative thinking, it is likely I would request you."

"Really?"

"Vulcans do not lie, Mr. Barclay."

"I know, I'm sorry, I just meant -"

"I know what you meant," she said, deciding to spare him trying to explain.

He smiled. "Well, then, I look forward to it." He paused for a moment to change topics. "I didn't realize you had a personal connection to Voyager. You never said anything."

"It is irrelevant," she replied quickly. "Once I decided to work on Pathfinder, I brought the extent of my knowledge and abilities to bear on the problem. I would have done so even if my father was not aboard Voyager. The subject did not arise as part of the natural course of our conversation and I saw no reason to change that course in order to mention it."

"You must have been thinking about your father the whole time."

"I frequently think about things that are not related to the conversation at hand. Unlike many humans, I do not feel the need to voice them."

Barclay's combadge beeped, and he tapped it. "Barclay."

"Reg? You coming or not?"

"Is it that late already?" He checked the wall chronometer. "I guess it is. I should go, Lieutenant, Commander Harkins is waiting on me."

"Of course."

xxxxxxxxx

"Lieutenant Paris, I need to see you in my ready room."

Tom waited just long enough for his backup to take over the helm and then followed the Captain into her ready room. "Okay," he asked, genuinely perplexed, "what did I do?"

"Sit down, Tom." She indicated her couch.

Now thoroughly puzzled, he sat. "Captain, if I did something wrong -"

"It's nothing you did, Tom." She sat down next to him. "Your father sent me a message while we had the wormhole open -"

"So he finds the time to write a personal message to you and not me? And here I thought he was coming around."

"He is, Tom. But this is something he didn't want to tell you in a written message." She drew a long breath. I hate this part of my job. "It's about your sister Kathleen. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Tom; she was killed by the Dominion two years ago. I am so sorry."

He just stared at her. "No," he said finally. "She wasn't in Starfleet. How could she be killed by the Dominion? It doesn't make sense. You must have misunderstood."

"I wish that were true," she said gently. "The Breen attacked Earth two years ago. She and her family were in a civilian shelter the ground troops invaded." She gently touched his shoulder. "When the security officers were overrun, she picked up a phaser and held them off long enough for the others to evacuate. She died a hero, Tom. I know that probably doesn't mean much to you right now -"

"My sister is not dead," he said forcefully, punching every word, getting up off the couch to emphasize his point. "She can't be. She's a civilian, her and Moira both. If one of us was going to die young it was supposed to be me. I'm the one who's in Starfleet, I'm the one who's almost died a dozen times, it was supposed to be me, damn it! It was supposed to be me."

His voice broke off at that last, choked up as the magnitude of what he'd just been told caught up with him. His legs suddenly felt like they wouldn't support him anymore, and he was grateful for Captain Janeway's arm guiding him back to the couch.

"Would you like me to get someone for you?" she offered. "B'Elanna or Harry?"

"No, I'm fine. Just give me a minute to get my head around it."

"Tom," she chided, sympathy in every syllable, "there's no way you're fine after something like this, and the fact that you're insisting you are worries me more than anything. I think you're right that you don't have your head around it yet, and when you do, I think it's going to hit you harder than you realize. You've already been hit with the first wave of it so suddenly you couldn't stand up, and I'm afraid the worst may still be to come. I'm not letting you back on duty just because you think you're ready."

"So what? I only get to go back on duty when I think I'm not ready?"

"Give it a day. If you really feel tomorrow like you're able to come back on duty, then I won't stop you."

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But he didn't last a day. He barely lasted three hours.

He was sitting in front of the television B'Elanna had replicated for him, holding her in his arms as he watched one of the programs. It was a kids' cartoon from the 1960s, the exact kind of mindless but funny thing he enjoyed. The cartoon moose on the screen was reciting the poem "Hickory Dickory Dock" and, in a scene Tom knew so well he could see it with his eyes closed, was injured chasing the mouse, who refused to run down on cue.

"How did this happen?" the doctor asked the injured moose. Tom grinned, knowing what was coming next.

The cartoon, predictably, didn't disappoint. "Well, obviously, it was Hickory Dickory... Doc."

He grinned even wider now as B'Elanna groaned predictably. She still didn't quite get the idea of cartoons not really having a point, even after he'd tried to explain it. He and his sisters had always loved this sort of thing, pointless though it was. In fact, this particular gag had always been Kathleen's favorite.

Kathleen...

"Tom? Tom!"

He sat rigid on the couch. He'd have to breathe to talk, and if he took a breath, he'd cry. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to...

"Tom." He could hear the strain in her voice that indicated worry. "Tom, you're scaring me. Talk to me."

And the one thing he didn't want to do, even more than cry, was hurt B'Elanna. He forced himself to draw a deep breath. Easy, steady, he didn't have to...

And then exactly what he'd been afraid of happened. His breath hitched, and a sob formed deep in his chest. He tried to hold it back but all he managed to do was keep it to a choked sob instead of a full-out one. It was plenty for her to notice. "Tom, what's wrong?"

But she quickly realized that the tight grip he needed to keep control of his emotions wasn't going to let him talk. She slid closer and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. "Come here." She ran her fingers through his hair. "It's okay if you need to cry, Tom. No one has to know except you and me."

Another sob tore free as he relaxed his control enough to talk. "My sister," he gasped out. "Kathleen. She's dead. Killed in some invasion."

"Oh, God." She remembered how she'd felt when she'd learned that most of the Maquis had been killed. Tom had to be feeling the same thing times five at least. "I am so sorry."

Control was nonexistent at this point. He was sobbing against her shoulder, helpless to stop it. "I thought I was okay," he whispered when the sobs finally stopped. "I guess I'm not as okay as I thought."

"You're not supposed to be okay," she replied. "I thought I was okay after the Maquis were killed - you remember how that turned out. I'm going to tell you right now, I have no intention of letting that happen to you."

"How am I supposed to get over this? I don't mean now," he added at her look, "I mean ever. I hurt so damn much I can barely breathe. She was my big sister, she used to try and help me stand up to Dad. And now she's gone, and I'm halfway across the galaxy. How am I supposed to get over that? How am I supposed to survive?"

She ran her fingers through his hair again. "I don't know how, Tom, and I know you're hurting like hell right now and nothing I say is going to make that better. But I know you will get through this, because I know you, and I know you're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. And in the meantime, you have more than a hundred people on this ship who'll help you if you ask - though I might avoid asking Seven." That almost got a smile out of him, but he just couldn't quite manage one. "Come on, let's go to bed. It's late, and you should sleep. You're exhausted."

"I don't think I can."

"At least try. I'll hold you."

"Okay." He really wasn't sure at all that trying would do any good, but lying in bed being held sounded pretty damn good, whether or not he could sleep.

xxxxxxxxx

"I thought you only had one daughter," Janeway remarked to her oldest friend.

He didn't need to ask what she meant. "Biologically, yes, that is true."

"Then who was Asil talking about? One of your sons' wives?"

"No," he replied. "A human woman I mentored."

"You must have more than just mentored her," the Captain commented. "Humans can be flippant sometimes about family, calling their friends brothers or sisters, but not Vulcans."

It was clear a more detailed explanation was warranted. "She had no family, and when I first knew her, she was legally a child. I took her into my home. She knew all of my children, but Asil was very young when Tasha first came to live with us, and she looked up to her."

"You didn't have a problem with that?" Janeway asked. "I seem to remember you having more than a passing dislike for humans. I know you got over that, but having your daughter want to emulate a human, for most Vulcans..."

"Tasha had many qualities that were admirable," Tuvok replied, and it took Janeway a moment to realize that he wasn't just stating facts, he was defending this woman. "Strength and determination especially. And Asil knew our ways and our customs, she knew logic. Tasha understood this and did not attempt to interfere, and unlike some of my people, I do not believe that the mere presence of humans or other emotional species is enough to turn our youth from the logical path. The disdain I held for humanity is long gone, in fact there are some humans I might even say are worthy of my admiration."

"Like this Tasha."

"And much of this crew."

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"How did he sound?"

Asil started trying to think about how to describe the situation, then changed her mind. "Come here."

When Tasha did so, Asil raised her hands to her sister's temples. "My mind to your mind," she said softly. "My thoughts to your thoughts."

Tasha had been part of a Vulcan mind-meld only once before, when Tuvok had convinced her to let him see the horrible memories of her childhood. That time, he'd entered her memories. This time, it was as though Asil was guiding her through her own memories, letting her experience them for herself. She heard Tuvok's voice as if she'd been standing there herself. There were tears in her eyes when the link was broken. "Thank you," she whispered, and pulled Asil to her, hugging the younger woman tightly.

"And there is this," Asil added, holding out a data PADD. "I gathered from what I heard on the link that many of the crew had letters prepared when we were briefly able to contact Voyager through the relay network."

"Thank you," Tasha said again, and turned her attention to the words on the screen in front of her.

My daughter, it began, and she felt more tears well up in her eyes.

Let me first offer my congratulations on your marriage. And while I am certain you have been forced to justify your choice of mate to many, I will not count myself among that number. Your judgment of character has always been keen and astute, and if you judge Lieutenant Commander Data a good man, I need no other evidence to convince me.

As for the remainder of your letter, you have long been as a daughter to me. I considered you only a friend and a protegee because I did not want to be overly forthright with you or to assume a position that was not mine to take.

"It's always been yours," Tasha whispered, now crying outright. "Since the day you took me into your home."

I would be honored to accept you as a daughter of my house. I would never stop you from recognizing yourself as such. Captain Janeway has already shortened our journey more than I would have believed possible, and thus I am hopeful that Voyager will return to the Alpha Quadrant in only a fraction of the time originally estimated. And when she does return to Earth, I will face you and call you my child, and you may call me your father.

Tasha was crying even harder as she reached the end of the letter. "I love you," she whispered. "I love you, Father. I love you."

The mention of Tuvok's disdain for humanity comes from the Voyager episode Flashback, in which, during the titular flashback, Janeway hears Tuvok rant against humanity.

One of my reviewers was curious about the way Asil was acting, namely her exasperation with some human mannerisms. In short, while Asil is very close to several humans and has chosen a profession where she'll be surrounded by humans, she's still Vulcan and still retains the Vulcan dictates of logic. Unlike, say, Data, she doesn't aspire to be more like the humans around her, she's just able to be friends with them despite their differences and willing to accept those differences.

Please review.