Reiteration of Previous Warnings in Case Some of You Forgot: Alternate universe, anachronisms galore, no bijuu, Naruto's the Fourth's nephew, the Akatsuki work in Ninja Resources, Tobi and Madara are different people, loads of cameos, and lots of fast food.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Seventeen, Part One: Willing Suspension of Disbelief
By Kaori

"Let me get this straight." Jiraiya said patiently. "Every time you find yourself in a dire situation you black out, and when you regain consciousness everything that was causing you distress is either dead or wrecked?"

"And there's always a woman or a bunch of women in various states of undress." Naruto added. "My friends always ask me about it afterward but I don't remember a damn thing."

"Kid, I've seen many a ninja flip out in my day but you're on a whole other level. I mean, nobody just summons the frickin' Trogdorr out of nowhere! The damn thing just shows up to burninate the people and their thatch-roofed cottages!"

"Don't look at me! I don't even remember doing any of it!"

Jiraiya just shook his head in exasperation. Honestly he had no idea where to go from here and the revelation that the boy he had been training could quite possibly level the city if he were to freak out too badly was very disturbing. "Are there any other weird things about you I should know?" he asked wryly.

"Well, there's that stupid tattoo on my ass and the weird one on my thigh." Naruto half-mumbled.

Being fully aware of the "Property of Ninja Burger" tattoo on the boy's rear end, Jiraiya instead asked to see the one on his leg. Annoyed, Naruto turned to the side and pointed to his upper thigh and Jiraiya was forced to kneel to get a proper look at it.

It wasn't so much a tattoo as a strange-looking scar, but it was most definitely some sort of text. He even recognized the handwriting style and had to shake his head in amusement; his former protégé's scrawl was still distinctive even stretched out on his nephew's flesh. As for what the writing actually said he could only guess at; it had stretched and warped as Naruto had grown.

"Well that was a waste of time." shrugged the older man.

"Can we go now? I'm getting cold standing around in my boxer shorts." the blonde complained. Jiraiya muttered something about brats these days lacking respect before agreeing to go back to headquarters.

Bright and early the next morning, Naruto awoke. He stretched, yawned, and hopped out of his bed onto the floor.

Or at least that's what would have happened if Naruto's bed had actually been in his room and not drifting in the middle of the ocean. He blinked once, twice, and then started screaming.

"Hey, it's too early in the morning for that kind of nonsense." a familiar voice said. It was Jiraiya in a rowboat.

"You..."growled Naruto, pointing menacingly.

"Yeah, that's intimidating. Really."

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I said I'd teach you how to swim and that's what I intend to do."

"But I learned how to swim!"

"I won't be satisfied until you can swim to shore." Jiraiya pointed to the west. When Naruto looked he could just barely make out the silhouette of the pier on the horizon.

"Agh! You're insane!" Naruto groaned.

"Don't give me that. I own you until your team gets out of the hospital."

"Don't they get out this afternoon?"

"...Just get in the water."

Seeing that he was sitting on his bed, miles from shore with no food or water with an old man in a rowboat determined to make him swim for company Naruto had only one choice left to him: Rip up his sheet and signal a passing ship.

Of course Jiraiya wasn't going to just sit there and let him do that, so he rowed the boy closer with intent to toss him into the drink. This was Naruto's true goal all along as when the older male made to grab for the partially ripped sheet he grabbed the man's hand, pulled him partially onto his floating bed, and then used him as a gangplank to steal the rowboat.

"Later old man!" cackled the blonde, rowing furiously away from the bed and towards the shore. He didn't get far. "What the fuck! Since when can you walk on water? Are you frickin' Jesus?"

"I'll have you know that this is a very advanced skill used by high level deliverators to avoid getting deliveries wet" Jiraiya proclaimed haughtily. "It also saves money on transportation costs. Now get out of that rowboat!"

"NEVER!"

Meanwhile, at D.E.A.T.H.S, Naruto's co-workers and supervisor were counting down the hours until they would be released from the hospital. Some with more enthusiasm than others.

"I wonder how many times my parents will attempt to murder me when I get home." Sasuke groused.

"I'm still having a hard time believing that your parents literally try to kill you." said Kiba. "I mean, my mom's a bitch but she's never actually tried to murder me. Threatened sure, but never followed through on it."

"Oh it's true." Sakura said. "Sasuke's dad has attempted to murder him every day since Itachi was hired."

"Even Christmas?" Lee exclaimed.

"Especially Christmas." growled Sasuke. "He keeps saying that my death would be the greatest gift to the family. I've taken to hiding out at Uncle Madara's place every year. Putting up with cousin Tobi is far less stressful than dealing with the assassination attempts."

"This wouldn't happen to be the same Tobi working in the Ninja Resources Department with your brother would it?" Kakashi asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"You can put up with him?" the silver-haired man quirked an eyebrow.

"Hey, it's only for a few hours. I am perfectly aware that he's batshit crazy but at least he's never tried to kill me."

And now back to our regularly scheduled chase scene already in progress...

"GODDAMMIT!" screamed Naruto, as Jiraiya defied the normal laws of physics to chase him across the water on foot. "Just leave me alone!"

"Get out of the boat and swim, and I'll stop chasing you."

"Fuck you old man! The whole point of me stealing this boat was to not swim to shore." Naruto stated. He looked over his shoulder to see he still had a long way to go. Desperate to at least get Jiraiya off his back for even a few seconds, our blonde hero decided to use the oldest trick in the book. "WOAH! Is that the Playboy yacht party over there?"

"WHERE?" the white haired man stopped running to look about wildly for the pornographic party boat. Unfortunately for him, once he stopped abusing the Rule of Funny the Laws of Physics kicked in and he sank under the water, his head reappearing a half second later. "DAMN YOU NARUTOOOO!" he screamed after the fiercely rowing young man.

Naruto ignored the ineffectual curses Jiraiya yelled in his wake as he continued to make his way back to land. He wanted nothing more than to go back to his little room hidden within the franchise walls, make some ramen, kick back in his hot tub, and forget this whole day ever happened. Then, we had given himself a sufficient amount of selective amnesia he was going to have a long talk with the Third Franchise Manager. Too much weird shit keeps happening to him and he got the feeling that the old man knew more about it than anybody.

But first he needed to make it back to shore.