It's my birthday, and I'll make you laugh if I want to.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Seventeen, Part Two: Stroke! I Think I'm Having One (and other rowing puns *blatant lie*)
By Kaori

Arms burning, back strained, pain shooting through his legs Naruto continued to row the little dinghy towards the shore Jiraiya still chasing after him all the more annoyed from his impromptu dip into the ocean. He'd tried to distract his pursuer with another porn ploy but it was unsuccessful.

"Give it up boy, you don't have the stamina!" Jiraiya yelled at him. Naruto refrained from yelling back, needing to save his breath for rowing. Idly he began to wonder if he should go for the world record for longest boat chase(1) but that ambition would be reduced to a dream when the rowboat hit the reef. The impact jarred him so badly he ended up sailing over the remains of the boat. By all rights he should have landed in the water, however fate decided to intervene and instead he landed on a coast guard boat.

"Hey! Where did you come from kid?" one of the crewmen demanded; his jacket had "Ivers" sewn on the front.

Naruto, thinking quickly, came up with the only "reasonable" excuse he could think of for this particular set of circumstances. "HELP ME!" he cried. "That dirty old ninja over there tried to shanghai me and force me to make adult films!" Another crewman, reading his jacket identified him as Wilson, squinted as he looked over at the white-haired man swimming furiously towards the rescue vessel.

"Isn't that the guy your cousin picked up yesterday for attempted kidnapping?" he asked.

"Ready the guns." said Ivers.

RATTATATTATTATTATTATTA. Shell casings from the Gatling gun rained down around Naruto as he watched the coast guard shoot the whole nine yards at Jiraiya.

"Oh look, the kid's crying." Brown, another crewman, commented. "That guy must have really been torturing the poor kid."

"Let's torpedo the bastard to be sure." grunted Ivers. Naruto continued to weep tears of joy.

Since we kind of blew the special effects budget in the last scroll (*cough* blatant lies *cough* lazy author *cough cough*), we'd like you to instead watch as Sasuke's parents attempt to murder him in the hospital parking lot.

"SECURITY!" screamed a nurse standing in the entryway, watching helplessly as Fugaku Uchiha attempted to murder his youngest son.

"DON'T INTEFERE WOMAN!" the Uchiha patriarch yelled. "Get back here, damn you!" he growled after the fleeing boy, who was doing remarkably well despite being in a wheelchair (2).

The other Konoha Ninja Burger employees could only watch in shock and disbelief as a father chased his own son around with a spear, fully intending to commit filicide(3). They really didn't know what to do or even if they could intervene. Thankfully the decision was taken out of their hands when Fugaku was unexpectedly glomped from behind by a teenager in an orange mask, knocking him over and onto the pavement.

"No! Bad Uncle Fugaku! Cousin Sasuke is a good boy! You shouldn't kill him!" he cried.

"TOBI! GET OFF ME YOU FOOL!" screamed Fugaku as he tried to get the young man off of him but only ended up wrestling with him in the parking lot. The way Tobi was grabbing the older man and squirming made the scene look decidedly like something else.

Lee pointed in their general direction. "Doesn't that look like they're..."

"Shuuuut it." snapped Ino, Sakura, and TenTen; the girls were trying very hard not to look at the scene, especially once the clothes started coming off.

Back to Naruto who had just been dropped off at the dock by the coast guard and was now giving them coupons for one free sumo-sizing (when you order a value meal or sandwich). "Thanks a bunch guys, I appreciate it!" he said cheerfully.

"Our pleasure little man." grinned Brown. Naruto spared the coast guard one last wave before disappearing in a whirl of used ketchup packets.

Our blonde hero sprinted across rooftops, making a mad dash towards his home at the franchise in hopes of making it to his shift on time. During his sprint he managed to disturb several groups of delinquents hanging out on their school's rooftop, kick Spiderman in the ass (complete accident), almost got hit by a helicopter being flown/being crashed by Launchpad McQuack, and narrowly escaped being drafted into Le Parkour Resistance (4). He managed to make it to the franchise with a ten minutes to spare.

"Ah, there you are." The Third Franchise Manager stated, as Naruto panted in the employee lounge. "How did your training go?" Naruto wheezed. "Good, good. I am certain you shall find your new skill useful as I have decided that your team is qualified to start taking deliveries to private islands. Do well and at those and you may receive a pay raise." Naruto gave a weak gurgle. "Since your team is just getting out of hospital today, I thought it would be best if you do counter duty today; this will let the counter guys get an opportunity to keep their delivery skills sharp. It is always good to rotate employees every once in a while so no one gets rusty, don't you agree?" Naruto coughed weakly, Sarutobi simply took that as agreement. "Well, I must be going. I shall be in my office if you need me." And with that he left Naruto still trying to catch his breath.

1) The longest boat chase on record is three weeks and it involved a fishing boat.

2) Don't get the wrong idea. I know some wheelchair-bound people who can haul some serious ass. Sasuke, on the other hand, has only been in a wheelchair for less than ten minutes and isn't used to getting around that way. Mad wheelchair skillz take time to develop.

3) Filicide means killing your own offspring.

4) Doesn't exist but if it did it would be like the French Foreign Legion for Tracuers.