Song for Eurydice, Part 2: Act IV
Diana was tireless, but even so, she knew that at some point, the warbird would need to change its course or its tactics. While she could continue to defend the Temple for some time, when the second disruptor beam clashed against her, it rattled both her teeth and her confidence. She had never considered that she would have to single-handedly defend a planet from a warbird, because the Enterprise was supposed to be in orbit above them.
Where had the ship gone after they had lost communications? Were they safe? Did they even know the warbird was attacking?
Before she could truly consider the numerous possibilities as to where the ship had gone, the disruptor fire stopped. As she stretched her senses, attempting to gauge why they had ceased firing, she felt her stomach pull in a most unpleasant way.
Diana had just enough time to recognize she was being summoned by a god before she found herself suddenly on the bridge of the Enterprise, slightly unsettled from the shift from flight to suddenly being on the ground. The warbird faced them menacingly in the viewport ahead, but she was more focused on one of the three men around her.
"Jim?" She breathed, almost hesitant to know who was standing before her.
The captain turned to her, not necessarily at ease, but certainly steadier than he had been since before the mission to Althea. He was concerned, to be sure, and was most certainly already formulating a plan as the captain of the Enterprise. "I'm all right." He said simply. It wasn't what he said, but how he said it that settled the knot in her stomach. "But, the planet won't be if that warbird has its way."
"Sir, we couldn't find you on sensors - " Sulu said as he rose from the captain's chair and made his way over to the suddenly present captain. "Shields are up, but how did you…" He trailed off, motioning to Kirk, Spock, then finally Apollo. "And who is he?"
Kirk sighed. "I'll explain after we solve the more immediate problem. How did that warbird sneak up and start bombarding the planet?"
"They had our command codes." Sulu quickly explained, much to Jim's visible concern. "They decloaked and tried to take out the ship before we were able to lose them and scramble our codes. We're back on equal footing, but we don't know how they got them. We came back to the planet as soon as we realized they were attacking."
"Which was why they broke off their attack against me," Diana added as she put together the order of those events.
"How did they know to attack the Temple?" Jim asked, looking to Apollo and Guinan for the answer.
It was Guinan who told him what she and Diana had already discussed. "Those are Romulans here to attack Diana. Someone ordered them to."
"For a Romulan warbird to have the Federation command codes of a fleet vessel would be a serious breach of security," Spock said, voicing the concern that presumably the rest of the crew felt.
"Then, they're going to tell me exactly how they got them," Jim remarked, stepping closer to the helm as Sulu took back his position. Again, the way he settled into his role as the captain, hawk-like and razor sharp in assessing the Romulans reminded her of her first time on the bridge. But, now, in hindsight, it also reminded her of Steve's same focus on the battlefield. With no time for answers as to his experience in the Nexus, Diana chose to see that as a positive sign for now.
"They're charging phasers!" The crewman at ops warned the bridge. It was only then that Diana noticed the dimmed lights and red klaxons on the walls. They were at red alert, in the midst of the battle.
"Acosta," Kirk ordered the crewman at ops. "Divert auxiliary power to shields and fire on their weapons systems. I want that ship."
Disruptor fire lashed out with the accuracy of Artemis's bow from the warbird. The ship buckled, shuddering under their feet. A quick glance at Sulu suggested that he was more relieved than usual at that. In return, the red phaser fire that Diana had seen only a few times before from the viewport arced back in return.
"Their shields are holding." Acosta reported, his voice tight and strained. He was probably a bundle of nerves. Diana expected to hear that the Romulans were attacking, or any number of other report items that were said in battle. When he didn't, Diana turned her attention back to the viewport as Acosta finally managed, "They're changing course. They're headed back to the planets with weapons at full strength."
"They're going to attack the planet again." Diana said, a knot settling in her stomach. "But, I'm not there. If they wanted to find me, then they are attacking innocents."
Kirk turned to his comms officer. "Uhura, open a channel, tell the Romulans that if they don't turn away from the planet, we will open fire again, and that if they're looking for Diana, she's here." He sent a furtive glance Diana's way, the two of them of the same mind. The Enterprise could defend itself. The planet could not.
"Enough of this!" The voice was that of her brother. He had remained silent during the initial exchange, but now he had turned to face the viewport. "They have hurt enough of my supplicants. They will take no more lives." She could tell simply from the look of determination on Apollo's face that the Romulans had gone too far. For a brief moment, she thought of her conversation with Commander Spock. If Apollo took an action that the Federation could not condone, he would become their enemy. She became quite aware that her brother was probably about to do just that.
"Apollo, brother, please, let us handle this - " She said quickly.
Apollo turned to her, holding a hand up to silence her. "Diana, I do not expect you to agree or understand, sister. But, you will not stop me. My supplicants are mine. They do not belong to your Federation or these Romulans." The god turned towards the viewport and extended his other hand.
The viewport filled with a great flash of light, so bright that everyone on the bridge, including Diana, had to shield their eyes. It lasted for but a moment, and as it began to dissipate, the ship shuddered once more before finally going still.
When Diana blinked the spots from her eyes and looked back at the viewport… nothing remained of the warbird save a few floating pieces of debris.
The bridge was silent. Even the red alert klaxons had vanished as they normally did after prolonged use.
When Jim turned to face Apollo, it was the closest she'd ever seen him come to contained fury. "What the hell did you just do?" He said, lethal in tone and expression. He stalked forward, staring down the god with no fear, simply righteous anger to fuel him. "What did you do to that warbird?"
"I have defended my planet, James Kirk." Apollo replied, arms crossed over his chest as the picture of godly pride. "What I would have done had I not been in the Nexus with you."
Jim didn't back down. "They had our command codes. We needed to know how they got them and you just destroyed our only intelligence." His anger was palpable, but his voice remained level until it became clear Apollo wouldn't listen. "This is a Federation vessel, and it is under my command. You just put my entire crew in even more danger." The way Kirk ground out the words were as much a hiss as they were a growl. It was almost as if he had been tempered, like steel. Stronger, cutting deeper. "You say you're a friend of humanity, then act like one. My life didn't matter compared to theirs." Jim motioned to the bridge around him. "We don't kill indiscriminately - "
Apollo replied, even and fully aware that Jim Kirk presented no immediate danger to him. "You tell me you would advocate for the lives of the people who murdered your father? Who destroyed Vulcan? After all, you watched the planet be destroyed. You have no love for the Romulan Empire. I did you a favor."
It was clear that the statement had gotten under Jim's skin, and unsettled him. Diana herself could feel the Truth in what Apollo said. It twisted her stomach to think he was using it for his own gain, but it pained her more to realize that his father's death had been responsible for Jim's drive to always best the Romulans at their own game. "Enough, brother." She said, catching Jim's eye. She didn't wish for him to think she was overstepping his authority, but as she had told Spock, she would hold Apollo responsible for his actions. "The captain's motives are not in question here. No one expected the warbird to arrive, and given the serious intelligence breach, your actions have foolishly left them exposed. They have rules that must be followed, and you have broken many of them."
Apollo whirled, eyes flashing as he found himself challenged by his own blood. If Diana had had a bit more time to prepare the crew, she would have warned them that when the gods fought amongst each other, it normally ended poorly. "I am Apollo, son of Zeus, and I do not answer for your mortal alliances! You may choose to protect them, Diana, and for that, I am sure they will be as grateful as they were before." His note struck a sour, sarcastic tone that she chose to ignore. "But, these are my worshippers. I unified them under our language, I helped them avoid mutual assured destruction. I not only wish to protect them, but I need them. I cannot live without worship as you can, sister. I have caused them no harm, I have nurtured and protected them. And until they reach out to the Federation on their own, become one of your civilizations, then you cannot deny me my own vengeance against the people who attacked my planet. I did not request your aid, therefore I do not answer to your rules."
Diana's jaw set. She stepped closer, squaring off against the fellow god, right alongside Jim. "No one gave you this planet, brother. They have their own destiny."
"And I will nurture them, guide them. I will not interrupt it. And if you take umbrage with this, then I suggest you speak to our sister." Apollo turned his attention to Jim for a moment, then back to Diana. "Athena has spoken. It is done. Now leave my planet in peace." When it became clear that she couldn't stop him, nor was he technically wrong, she simply sighed and shrugged, looking to Jim. Apollo turned his attention to his Oracle. Guinan had remained silent since their arrival, placid but clearly not satisfied with the outcome. "Guinan. Return with me? My people need their Oracle, and given the gracious protection my sister offered in my absence… they will need your understanding."
Diana bristled. "I do not wish to become part of your new pantheon, brother."
He simply chuckled, although the darkness in it made it clear that their days as easy allies were over. If not permanently, certainly for the foreseeable future. "Then you should not have saved my people."
Guinan glanced from Apollo, then crossed towards Jim. It was if simply moving towards him had cooled some of the fire in Kirk's eyes. Just as well. He could not feasibly attack a god with his ship, and since the only casualties had been caused by or were the Romulans, he didn't have a recourse. "Did you find what you needed in the Nexus?" She asked the captain, her voice warm and full of hope.
It would be difficult to say that the Argelians were in danger with Guinan there to guide them.
Jim swallowed down his anger. Instead, he offered her a polite nod. "I did. I had to confront a few unpleasant truths, but… I found what I was looking for.." He tilted his head in a move that Diana knew all too well from both them. "... I think. It'll take a little bit of time to sort it all out."
"Good." She said, reaching out to rest a hand on his shoulder. "Take care of yourself, Jim." When he nodded again, she turned and made her way over to Diana.
"Guinan, you have my deepest thanks." Diana said softly as she reached out to take the woman's outstretched hands. "I am sure that we could find a place for you here, if you wished it."
The other woman chuckled. "This one's a little too small for my tastes."
Diana tilted her head, but realized it was another mystery Guinan would not reveal today. "Very well. I know you mean well for us. I promise your words have not gone unheard."
Guinan smiled, regarding Diana with a fondness that suggested they had been sisters on Themyscira, not strangers only hours before. "I promise you that if you keep digging, you will find the answers you're looking for. Remember, the universe isn't going anywhere tomorrow, so you have more time than you think. Don't try to rush the engines of destiny. It's easy to think you have to solve all problems now, but you can't borrow trouble from tomorrow. Focus on what needs to happen today." As she stepped away from Diana, the smile slipped from her features. "Even if that means there are sacrifices that have to be made. "
The warning was subtle, but it confused and worried both her and Jim enough that the two exchanged glances, prepared to ask Guinan for more…
Only to find that she and Apollo had disappeared from the bridge.
And the Enterprise was now on the other side of the asteroid belt, much to the confusion of the navigators.
The gods were still at work, and none of them had the courtesy to explain themselves to Diana.
Captain's Log: Stardate 2264.66
It is with great relief that I can report that Doctor McCoy has given me the all-clear regarding my health. For the first time in over a week, I can finally think clearly. I will admit that when we reached the surface of the planet, the second neural pattern began to present additional concerns, but, since emerging from the Nexus, my mind is clear and as Napi mentioned… the memories of Steve Trevor feel like a life I lived as if I were undercover, or dreams where I was someone else. It's a relief, and I find myself not entirely sure how to describe everything that occurred. The crew has been given a significantly truncated version of events. I'm not entirely sure how to explain to Diana that I am Steve, but I'm not. I don't think the crew necessarily needs that complication, either. I've told Bones I'll spend some time drafting supplemental logs to discuss the whole experience before it starts to fade.
With less relief and more trepidation, I must report that we have been unable to find any concrete evidence as to where the Romulan warbird came from and their intended mission in the Argelius system, nor how they received our command codes. In addition, if Apollo is on Argelius IV, we are unable to near the planet without our sensors miraculously going dark. Knowing that he directly had a hand in the evolution of the Argelians to the Delphines as they refer to themselves now lends to more questions than answers.
We hold the Prime Directive as our standard for non-interference, and as Admiral Pike was aware, I have a hard time standing by when cultures are destroyed. But, how can we hold a race with power beyond our understanding to the same Directive? How do we hold other races outside of the Federation?
And if Apollo's only desire was to nurture a new civilization as their benevolent god… does it really hurt to gather a few laurel leaves?
Without a clue to follow, I have heeded Commander Spock's recommendation and have resumed our course back to the Yorktown for refueling and repairs. In fact, I now have the time and mental clarity to review the dossiers of various new crewmembers, including the expected navigational officer.
Speaking of the crew, this experience has yet again proven to me that without my crew, I would not be the captain I am today. I have put in formal commendations for both Lieutenant Sulu and Commander Spock for their exemplary conduct since the Althean mission. But, I want the record to show that my entire crew has been the definition of grace under pressure in this last week, and their careers, each unique and independently driven, should be nurtured. As the captain, I have every intention of refocusing my time towards that goal.
I don't want them to feel that the best they ever had was the Enterprise. In truth, the Enterprise might be perfect for me, but I know she might not be for someone else. In fact, this experience has helped me recognize that while Ensign - excuse me, Lieutenant - Chekov was a valuable member of the crew and I would gladly have him back, I know he's making the Farragut a better ship because of his presence.
Each person on this ship deserves the opportunity to be their best. I hope the Enterprise gives them the chance to be even better.
Which includes our resident Ambassador, although I'm fairly certain she is dangerously close to perfect. In sending my report back to Starfleet, I also rescinded my request to have her transferred. As I did so, I received Admiral Kent's very stern rejection waiting for me.
At least that's one good thing about Federation bureaucracy. I wouldn't have been allowed to kick her off if I tried. Kent stopped me from making a mistake even worse.
But, that doesn't mean I'm off the hook. This experience has provided me a level of clarity on a personal level as well, and has reminded me that while I'm the captain, I'm still a person off the clock. Commodore Paris did an amazing job helping me figure that out. It's only fair I go the rest of the way on my own.
I can only hope Diana will hear me out. There's about twenty minutes left in this particularly strange day. I'm going to take the opportunity to get all of this out in the open now. Seems… auspicious, somehow. Very Greek.
With any luck, she will appreciate the gesture…
With the ship running smoothly back towards the Yorktown, the Enterprise could handle the routine course back without its captain. It was just as well. While he was eager to get back to work, to enjoy routine for the rare occasion, he knew he had more important places to be than the bridge. Within the scant hours since they had been kicked out of the Argelian system, Jim had had plenty of time to mull over his conversation with his former self and the accompanying memories.
Jim knew it would take him weeks to figure out what exactly he now remembered about being Steve Trevor, but some things were already settling into his long term memory with the same fondness he had for his childhood. Others had the same bittersweet longing that he had when thinking of some of the women he'd loved and lost.
The memories of Diana felt like a fantasy, one he'd been too scared to indulge in. He knew why, but she deserved to hear it from him. If she would be gracious enough to listen. For him, it was more important to know that after all was said and done… he was Jim. He was Jim Kirk, and for a brief time, he'd been Steve Trevor. But, the uniform still fit right, the chair still called to him.
After a cursory check on the ship's system as to her location, Jim headed immediately from his office in his quarters to find her.
He was never more grateful that her Ambassador's quarters were only a deck away, because he was fairly certain his heart threatened to pound out of his chest. Jim could count on one hand the number of times he'd ever been nervous around a woman, and he was fairly certain at least two of them were because of Diana. He could add four more instances if he counted things as Steve and…. Well, he needed to.
Diana could make him nervous just by looking at him. And he was going to try to explain himself, both past and present him.
What could possibly go wrong?
Jim barely had time to remind himself that whenever that thought crossed his mind, it most assuredly meant something would go wrong, before his finger touched the door chime. He'd been in her quarters before, but it had always been on-duty. All things being equal, he hoped that would not be the case here.
He tried to remind himself that it was certainly not the first time he'd confessed to a woman how he felt. In fact, Jim thought he was honestly an expert at it. He was just out of practice. And normally moved faster.
For a moment, his mind wandered to the inn in Veld, the way he'd fully intended to close the door behind him and leave Diana in peace. She had given him one look to pull him across the room, and he'd never regretted it. As Chief had promised, the whole memory was now recalled with the haze of nostalgia, of a love that had been cut short, like letters that never reached loved ones in the days of sea travel and land wars where mail was quick to burn or be misplaced on ships.
That was him. Another time, another place, another life, but… so was Jim Kirk prior to his academy days.
The door slid open as Diana presumably unlocked it and Jim took an almost eager step in.
When he spotted her sitting on her couch, a cup tea in hand while she watched the stars distort in her window, that eagerness turned to concern. She wasn't smiling. If anything, she seemed… quietly in grief.
"Diana?" Jim's voice was soft, cautious. More than he normally was. When she turned to look at him, her eyes widened and she immediately set down the tea, as if to stand. This isn't the right time. He would have been better off waiting until they reached Yorktown station and he could have bought her ice cream. "No, no, please, you don't have to get up. I just wanted to talk. But, if this isn't a good time, I can…" He motioned to the door behind him, already giving her a way out.
"No, please." She stood, even as he continued to backpedal. "You don't have to go. I was just thinking about… well, a number of things."
"You sure?" He asked.
"Yes." She replied, a hint of exasperation to her tone. "I wanted to talk to you as well." She had changed out of her armor into a deep red dress that hugged her figure and reminded him of a good vintage of cabernet. The kind of stuffy thing that Uhura loved and Bones bellyached over. The neckline was anything but stuffy. It scooped deeply, but not too far. Idly, he wondered if her lasso and belt were still on under the outfit, then reminded himself that he would have been able to tell. She wasn't leaving that much to the imagination that evening.
Jim never realized how much time he spent finding her mind and personality so attractive. He thought about her physical attributes and knew she was beautiful, but it almost felt odd that he was seeing her figure and admiring that. There was so much he didn't let himself do around her. He was right. I was afraid. I didn't want things to turn out like Carol, and I didn't know how to do any of this without screwing it all up…
"But, you came here with something on your mind, so…." She continued on, only for Jim to realize once he started talking about what was on his mind, he wouldn't stop.
Instead, he opted for the ever-casual Jim Kirk standard: "No, you first."
For a moment, Diana's eyes went wide and she was struck with the genuine surprise that Jim was so proud that he could occasionally get out of her. It was difficult to surprise her unless there was literally a spatial phenomenon she hadn't seen, but this seemed to do the trick. "I was… thinking about…" Diana turned to walk away, her hands at her sides, nervously tapping her thighs before she finally turned to face him. "About my family."
Jim's expression mirrored her own surprise. "Really? Is this because of Apollo?" He could still recall the way the god had helped him in the Nexus. He seemed so genuine. Jim just wished he would have listened about the warbird. Any goodwill Apollo had forged with him was certainly gone now.
"In part, yes." Diana said, seemingly relieved that there was no hint of skepticism or concern from Jim. Was she worried that he would have been as doubtful as he had been about Ares? I'm you, but you don't have to be me. Steve had said. Jim didn't have to play the skeptic here. He could leave that to Bones. "But, also of Athena. And my father."
"Zeus…" Jim made his way over towards her desk, leaning his hip against it as he watched her fidget. "I guess now it's my turn to remind you that you're not a woman easily rattled, and here you are ready to jump out of your skin. This really bothered you."
She nodded, but otherwise, Diana was silent for a long moment. She paced, uncrossing her arms, propping her hands on her hips and shaking her head as if she could simply will away her discomfort.
Jim pressed the subject as she paced to the far end of her quarters. "I know you said you revived them. Apollo seemed to be an ally of yours. A friend - "
"I would not call any of them friends!" Diana whirled, striding back towards him with concern and frustration plain on her face. "Never make that mistake, Jim! Never! The gods are not our friends. They will play to their own agendas and never tell those involved, even their fellow… " She faltered as she slid a hand into her hair, trying to calm herself and force the next words into the air around them. "Fellow gods…" Her face screwed up as her thoughts kept rushing forth. "They left the Earth because of the war. Humanity had no need for gods, and because I wasn't there, I left them to squabble over their power and the worship they received simply from their historical significance. And now they have seeded more planets than I can possibly know, and I cannot stop them. I cannot shake the feeling that while you are here, there is still a sacrifice they will demand. They take and take and they never consider what it does to those they claim to love!"
She looked up at him. He had seen such a stricken look before. When she'd come from the gas cloud in Veld, and when she had fought Circe while he languished. His heart ached as she looked up at him, tears in her eyes. How long had she been holding these thoughts to herself?
"Is that what will become of me?" She continued. "Is that what faith does? Will I, too, be corrupted by the same lust that sent Ares after humanity and made my father depraved and distant? Will I abandon humanity as I have abandoned my people now - "
"Diana," Jim's hands reached for her instinctively, slipping up to the sides of her face so she would look at him. "Diana, listen to me, you are nothing like the other gods. That's not who you are, and that's not who you'll become. Okay? It's just not you. And I know that because I saw it on the No Man's Land and I saw it when you rescued Vanessa. Don't let their actions distract you from your own."
"But, you haven't felt this. You don't know what it's like to feel that surge. It is a drug, and I never realized..." She faltered again, not sure how to describe what she felt. But, he had a feeling he knew.
Jim shook his head again, running a thumb along her cheek. "Listen to me. You are not your father. You speak of yourself as the daughter of Hippolyta, not of Zeus. I have no reason to think that will change tomorrow. You told me that having Khan's blood doesn't make me him. The same rules apply for you."
Diana's eyes scanned his face, as if searching out the truth. Whatever it was she was looking for, she had found it. The edge of panic faded from her eyes before she finally blinked the last of it away. It was like watching her come out of her telepathic connection with Vanessa, when she had touched the Borg Collective.
The moment had passed. Jim pulled away first, suddenly aware of how quickly he'd gravitated towards her. He had a lot to tell her, and he couldn't get lost in the physical desire to be close right now.
Diana seemed to share the same need to distance herself. She exhaled slowly, taking a few steps back as she tried to collect her thoughts. "You're right…" She breathed, her tone more even now. "And I've told myself as much over the last few hours, but…" Diana sighed and slowly made a move back to her couch, sitting down almost dejectedly. "In this, I must establish my truth, my justice. And to do that is… hubris."
Jim softly smirked at that, crossing his arms over his chest to keep his hands to himself, to keep him anchored against the desk. "But, if you're a god, is it really hubris, though? After all, hubris is pride against the gods and since you're a god, it's going to be hard to be too proud against yourself."
Diana furrowed her brow at him, but it was clear that his joke had been enough to take the last of the edge off. At least he knew his charm was intact, back to his pre-mind scramble state. For a long moment, she didn't speak, but her eyes were on him. From the way she watched him, it was clear that she wanted to ask him something, but didn't know where to start. Finally, she settled on: "How are you feeling? You seem… steady."
He nodded. "I am. I feel good." He said, realizing that now that he had the floor. He still wasn't entirely sure he wanted it. "Bones has given me preliminary clearance to go back to work. I'm sure I owe him a few more check-ups before he'll back off, both officially and unofficially."
Diana smiled, reserved. "I'm relieved to hear that. You gave us all quite the scare."
Silence fell between the two of them for a moment. It was as if they had reset back to her first days on the Enterprise. She had pulled back, and now she was unsure how to return to their previous sense of closeness. But, really, it wasn't on her, was it? He knew he'd been harsh with her. And now that he understood how much of that was Steve's buried anger and resentment from his life as a soldier, he needed to make it up to her.
"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about." Jim offered, pushing off of the desk as he spoke. "Well, that and…" He realized he was echoing her earlier words and chuckled. "A number of things."
"Of course." Diana said, although he couldn't tell if she was looking forward to any part of the conversation.
"Good. Because, I've had a rough week and I may have said a few things that I didn't mean. And a few things I did, but…" He considered his next words carefully. "Well, I'd like to just wipe the slate clean and say what I actually mean this time." Jim turned to face her fully, slowly putting his arms to his sides. If he was going to do this, he wouldn't do it looking like some overly casual, arrogant, devil-may-care captain. If he'd had time, he would have changed out of the uniform, too.
"You know you don't have to apologize for wanting me to leave the ship." She said, trying to cut him off at the pass. "I told you, you had every right to feel that I had not been forthcoming with you - "
"Please, Diana, just let me get this out." Jim interrupted before she could go any further. She'd had plenty of time to beat herself up, and he wasn't about to make it worse.
She simply closed her mouth and nodded, allowing him the opportunity to continue.
"The truth is, I was hurt. And I have a great habit of pushing people I care about away because I lash out. You can ask Bones. I've had my fair share of idiotic benders and stupid remarks because I got it into my head that I was better off without people. Hell, I did it with Chekov after the Augmenters took the ship. Bones had to knock me down a couple of pegs for it." Jim rubbed his eyes a bit, as if the words would somehow come out better that way. "Having all of my memories as Steve dropped into my head didn't feel like memories. They felt like vivid, honest moments where I would snap back to the past. And… I didn't realize how much anger that life had. To be a spy in that war, to see the things I did, it messes with you. But, the truth is that I have never wanted you anywhere except right there with me on the bridge of the Enterprise. For as long as you'll have her, and have me, you have a home with us." He paused, lifting his gaze enough to gauge her reaction.
She was watching him intently, actively listening with her brow knit in either concentration or slight confusion. "You said 'I'. And you mentioned the No Man's Land. What are you trying to tell me?"
"I mean that I'm…" Jim chuckled. He knew how to feel what he wanted to tell her, but… he still wasn't sure how to voice it. "I met Steve in the Nexus. We talked. And I'm… meant to be him. And now that I've left the Nexus, it's all fitting together now. I was Steve. I can feel those memories like they're mine, but, in the far past." As he continued to speaking about it, he could feel like the right words were on the tip of his tongue. Almost eagerly, he moved over to the couch to take a seat beside Diana, as stunned as she seemed. "I look back on it the same way you probably look back at those times. It was you, but you've grown. And that's how this feels. I don't think of Steve as… this foreign entity. It's more like he was me when I was undercover, or before I went to Starfleet."
"I… I'm not sure I understand…" Diana breathed.
"I remember being Steve. I don't think I'll get to hang onto those memories forever, I'm sure they'll fade. But, it doesn't feel invasive anymore." He took a deep breath, trying his best to think of a way he could help her understand. "I never told you how my father died." He said, glancing over at her. "He was killed the day I was born. By a Romulan ship. He just had the misfortune of being there. So, I never got to know my dad. And now, I…" Jim thought back for a moment, his smile a bit more fond than eager. "I have memories of growing up with a dad. And they're faint, but… it's more than I ever had." Shrugging, he leaned back a bit. "It's almost like the memories are filling in gaps I didn't know I had. I remember what it was like to watch you try ice cream for the first time." Jim chuckled. "I even remember Charlie singing for hours because you got him started, but it's all faded. A bit like I woke up from a dream."
She was searching his face once more, eyes darting from each feature, but she seemed to be looking for something different now. "I thought that wasn't possible…"
"The way Steve told it, it normally isn't. But, people learn of their past lives and it feels much like this" He realized that by confessing this much, he was giving away how much time he'd spent preparing for this conversation, but it was worth it. "It's not uncommon to have memories of a past life that just… feel like you. It plays out with most of what I've read about past life regression, even if I didn't take any stock in it. But, once Napi said that, it made sense - "
"Did you just say you spoke with Napi?" She shook her head slowly, as if in awe. "He disappeared so long ago, I thought he had finally died."
"He was in the Nexus, and he wasn't a ghost. He was my guide." Jim smiled. "I wish I'd known he was a god in Belgium. That would have made a lot of sense." Before he could get too far off-subject, Jim leaned back some in the seat, trying to refocus. "The point is… he helped me understand the burden that you had to carry. I didn't really understand how difficult things would be for you to talk about Steve, or Etta, or any of them until I found myself in the Nexus and I was faced with the same truth that Steve was when he arrived." Without thinking, Jim reached out to rest his hand on hers. "Sometimes, it's easier to just let those ghosts rest. And I saw how happy they were. Sammy still serves drinks and Charlie plays piano. And I… when I was Steve, I knew I'd be waiting a long time for you to ever come to the Nexus. So… Steve asked for another chance to be with you. And then along comes me." He gave her a moment to let all of that process before continuing. "I'm who Steve wanted to be for you. If I'm alive, if I'm here, then he's here. It's a bit like meeting a parallel version of myself." He idly thought of Spock's time with Ambassador Spock. He would have to remember to thank his best friend for his logical assessment of his dual identity. "And that parallel version of myself still existed, but I don't have to make the same decisions. Or the same mistakes."
Diana quirked an eyebrow, momentarily thrown. "Mistakes?"
"You didn't even know you were a goddess then, but I know that now. And I'm not going to make the mistake of doubting you when you need me." Jim shrugged a bit. "Just seems silly after all these temporal anomalies, witch goddesses and your brother. Makes for a helluva captain's log, though..."
He found himself trailing off as Diana brought her hand up to his cheek, fingers ghosting along his jawline in a gesture that felt all too familiar and yet entirely new. His fears that Steve's memories of intimacy with Diana would color any new touch disappeared in that moment. "You were Steve…" She breathed, then with a little smile. "But, are Jim. Guinan was right."
"She was?" He asked as her fingers kept caressing, drawing him nearer.
"My heart was fulfilling Steve's wishes, because it was pulling me towards you." She slipped her hand around the back of his neck.
Jim's free hand slipped up to her cheek as he steeled himself. "I love you." He said, honest and honestly scared. "And even if you don't know how you feel, I will always respect that. But, you are a force of nature, and a goddess. I don't mean that as hyperbole, Diana, I have never trusted someone the way I trust you, and from the moment I met you, I knew I was looking at someone who would leave me in awe. And you do. So, no matter how you decide to handle this, I just wanted you to know..."
Whatever he was going to say next, which admittedly, he knew probably was just more rambling and nothing incredibly poetic, disappeared as her fingers ghosted over his lips for just a moment before she pulled him close.
When their lips meant, there was no hesitation on either side. Diana knew precisely what she wanted, how she wanted to explore the terrain that to her was probably familiar in the same way those back roads in Iowa were for Jim. Jim, on the other hand, felt like he had fallen headlong into uncharted space, and he wanted to explore every single texture and touch that he could be allowed.
His hand left hers so he could loop his arm around her waist and draw her nearer. His thumb idly caressed her cheek. He felt her fingers rake along the base of his scalp, then slip through his hair in a way that felt profoundly comforting and also profoundly sensual.
And then his damned communicator chirped.
Jim groaned unhappily against her lips, honestly ready to jettison it out an airlock, but when it kept chirping, he knew it had to be important.
Diana, to her credit, chuckled and shook her head as he tried to pull away. When he began to reach for it in his pocket, their lips parted enough for her to breathe, "If I ask you, will you ignore it?"
He paused in mid-motion, his hand in his pocket but the communicator still in place. His eyebrows lifted almost comically as Diana's mouth brushed against his jawline. "Absolutely." He breathed, betraying precisely how quickly his heart was pounding. "But, if the warp core blows up, I don't want to have to answer for that."
As the device kept chirping, she finally conceded, albeit grudgingly. "If you must."
Jim slowly pulled the communicator free, but not before kissing her cheek. "Captain's duty. Hopefully, it's nothing." He flipped the communicator open after a moment. "Kirk here."
"Dammit, Jim, why is it when I tell you to rest, you're doing the exact opposite?" Bones. He had a feeling he knew exactly why the medical officer thought he wasn't sleeping, but he tried his best to play it off anyway.
Jim winked at Diana as he said casually, "How do you know I'm doing the exact opposite? I am relaxing right now."
"Because I'm outside your quarters with the sedatives I've prescribed but no Jim Kik to administer them to. If you don't get back here in the next twenty minutes, I'll get that green-blooded ingrate involved."
Sighing, Jim dropped his head, resigned to his fate. "I'll be there, I'll be there. Just… take it easy, Bones, or your blood pressure will spike. Kirk out." He said, slapping the communicator shut.
As if Diana knew precisely what he was thinking, she tapped his leg to make him look up at her and then pointed to the communicator. "Now you know why I ignore those."
Jim chuckled, shaking his head at her. "You really shouldn't tell me that. I'll think you're ignoring me next time you're off fighting a god." He recalled what she'd been doing on the planet with giddy awe. "Or a warbird. How did you even do that?"
Diana leaned back, crossing her arms over her chest. "It will have to wait for another time. You already told Leonard you would be returning to your quarters to sleep." Jim's grin faded as he realized she was not going to be party to any sort of distraction for him. "Go rest."
Sighing, Jim finally nodded and pulled himself to his feet. "Understood, Ambassador." Jim had perfected flirting while sounding completely professional years ago, so he was more than happy to put that skill to use. "I will put a pin in this, but I trust we'll find time for a follow-up discussion."
Diana laughed, then motioned to the door. "Yes, but you need to sleep. I nearly lost you, I have no desire to find out you made yourself worse because of me."
As Jim made it to the door, he turned to face her. He paused and braced himself on the doorframe for one last parting shot. "I can guarantee, Diana, that you make me better. Every time." The slight flush on her cheeks reminded him in that perfectly nostalgic way of their dancing in Veld. "Have a good night, Diana."
"Good night, Jim." She replied, seeming more at ease than he could recall ever seeing her.
With all the effort he could muster, he pulled away and walked out the door back towards the turbolift.
Bones was right. He needed to sleep. Normally, his mind would have been racing with thoughts of the Romulans, of the concern of another Starfleet intelligence crisis, or even of how to deal with the gods and monsters they'd faced.
But, tonight, his mind was at ease. He strained to keep that memory of dancing in Veld in his tired memory, humming "I'll Walk Beside You" all the way to his quarters.
He knew that he still had questions, concerns and worries about Diana, about any possibility of a relationship.
He also knew that after a good night's sleep, he was sure that would not stop James T. Kirk from finding a way through it.
They had nothing but time.