A/N: Hey there! How are you all? :-) Thanks for commenting on our fic, we're really thankful for every single comment we get and it means a lot to us that you people still stick with us and enjoy what you're reading here… :-)
By the way: I love "paramedic Matthew", even though I stopped watching Grey's Anatomy after 9x02 (my RPG Partner still watches it), but I kind of "re-started" watching because of him, since I know and love the actor since "Switched at Birth"… that just by the way… and who knows? Maybe he'll come around here as well… :-)
Don't kill us for that chapter ^^"
Enjoy!
Jackson Avery POV:
Jackson kept looking at his watch even though he knew Mark was still in the middle of his therapy with Lewis.
He had felt anxious ever since the two had parted ways. He had been so close to losing Mark this morning and Jackson knew he wouldn't be able to calm down and focus again until Mark was back in his arms.
It wouldn't be long now and when Mark came to his office Jackson was going to take an early day and spend the time showing Mark that staying with him was going to be worth it. That Jackson could be the kind of man that Mark could be proud of.
Finishing up his post-ops he was just about to get his lunch from the fridge when he heard a knock on his door. The smile came across Jackson's face immediately.
It was a bit early for Mark, but maybe the man was just as impatient as Jackson was to finish what the two had done this morning.
Jogging over Jackson opened the door and stopped in his tracks when he saw Michael standing at his door. Looking somewhere between angry and hurt.
"Wh-What are you doing here?"
"The people here are fucking lunatics" Michael said as he barrelled past Jackson and entered his office "I should have the lot of them arrested, starting with that haircut Shepherd"
"What are you talking about?" Jackson closed the door quickly. The thought of somebody seeing them together after what had happened today made him nervous.
Turning around Michael's face looked drawn and if Jackson didn't know any better he could guess the man had been crying. His eyes held the same redness and puffiness that had resembled Jackson's for most of the morning.
"You have to go" Jackson told Michael "Mark is going to come back soon and if he sees you here-"
"He'll attack me too?" Holt asked "newsflash, Jackson. I already talked to the boyfriend and he let me in on the wonderful news that you two crazy kids may just make it work" his words were sarcastic and filled with enough bitterness to sober Jackson.
"He's going to give me another chance" Jackson said to Michael "I don't deserve it, but he's going to give me one anyway"
"That's just great" Michael told him "you get to go crawling back to him with your tail between your legs and beg for whatever scraps he's going to offer you"
"That's not what this is" Jackson said angrily "Mark isn't like that"
"Really?" Michael asked "if you don't think Mark isn't going to hold this over your head to keep you in line you are more delusional than your brother gave you credit for"
"Why did you even come here?" Jackson said to Holt "we said all we needed to say this morning"
"So that's it?" Holt asked "we have sex and I get to deal with all the fallout while you get off scot-free?"
"Scot-free?" Jackson said incredibly "look around, Holt. I'm not exactly swimming in admiration here"
"Lewis ended our friendship" Michael told Jackson "gave some excuse about not wanting to hurt you anymore"
"Right" Jackson responded "more like Lewis doesn't want to look like the bad guy so he's going to distance himself. Believe me; he's been doing that most of my life. Consider yourself lucky that he sold you out now and not when you have something really worth losing"
"He's my best friend" Michael said angrily "and I did this for him"
"What?" Jackson asked "did what?" and the look in Michael's eyes let Jackson know he had said something he didn't mean to.
"Nothing" Holt told him.
"That's crap" Jackson spat "it's why you invited me out that night, isn't it?"
Holt's silence gave Jackson his answer.
"I knew it" Jackson said "I knew all of his and your bullshit talk was lies"
"Still didn't stop you from spreading your legs for me though, did it?" Holt asked.
"Go to hell" Jackson said angrily "and get out of my office"
Walking to Jackson's door Holt stopped and stared at him "I'm not going down for this by myself, Jackson" he said "I can promise you that" and opening the door he stormed out and ran directly into Callie as the woman stood with her hands poised to knock.
"Woah there cowboy" she said and looking at the woman briefly Michael rolled his eyes and went around her and down the hall.
"Ca-Callie" Jackson said nervously.
"Hey" the woman smiled "mind if I come in?"
"Of course" Jackson said as he stepped aside and gave a quick look around his office. He could feel his heart going a mile a minute. It had been quite some time since the two had talked and having it be right after a fight with Holt was not the time he would have picked.
"You know I just realized that I've never seen your office before, it's nice"
"It's small" Jackson responded with an awkward laugh "but it does the job"
"Mind if I sit?" Callie asked as she pointed to the chair that sat across from Jackson's desk.
"Of course" Jackson told her as he pulled out the chair and he couldn't stop the shakiness of his hands. He knew Callie and he had a very tempered past and he really didn't want to regress.
Sitting down Jackson went around his desk and took his seat "What brings you here?"
Callie was quiet for a moment and it felt like one of the longest moments of Jackson's life.
"I heard about what happened with you and Holt" her voice wasn't accusatory or even suspicious, but it still made Jackson feel like all the air had just been sucked out the room.
"Callie I-" he started to say before she held up a hand to stop him.
"I'm not here to condemn you, Jackson" she said "believe it or not I understand. I've been there"
"Really?"
"Yeah" she said "I mean how else do you think I have a daughter? Things happen and sometimes it's not how we planned, but it doesn't mean that it's wrong"
"It was a mistake" Jackson told her "I love Mark and I'm never going to make that mistake again"
"How can you be so sure?" she asked "did you ever believe it was going to happen in the first place?"
Jackson shook his head "I was just in a really bad place and I wasn't thinking clearly" he told her "I don't even remember it to be honest"
"It still happened, Jackson, and I've tried to sit back and stay out of this" Callie told him "I know I haven't made things...easy for you"
"You never thought I was good enough" Jackson said.
"That's not true" Callie said leaning forward "I just don't think you ever believed you were good enough"
The words struck Jackson and turning away from her Jackson looked down at his hands.
"I've seen Mark" Callie told Jackson "I've seen what these past few months have done to him and I know you realize the toll this relationship is taking on him. I live right across the hall Jackson, I hear the arguments and fights"
"Every couple has them" Jackson said as he stood "we're working through them"
"You cheated on him, Jackson" Callie said "with a guy that by all measure you can't stand and I know Mark and his belief that sex is only sex, but this is killing him and I know he'll smile and tell you that everything will be okay, but it's going to eat him alive".
"We talked and he knows that I'm never going to.. not again"
Standing up Callie folded her arms across her chest "It's probably true" Callie told him "but what if that had been Mark at the door instead of me? Do you think he wouldn't be thinking that he walked in on something with you and Holt?"
"That wasn't-" Jackson tried to say and he could feel his head getting fuzzy. He wanted to get a couple of his pills to help himself focus.
"I believe you" Callie told him "and I know you love Mark with all your heart and since I know that you love him I know you don't want to make him this unhappy"
Jackson looked at Callie and he would have wanted her distaste for him. Would have given anything to see the anger in her eyes that she held for him when he and Mark first started seeing one another.
Instead he got her pity and that hurt worse than anything else.
"He's all I have left" Jackson told her honestly "I've worked so hard to try and make us better"
Grabbing his hand Callie held it tight within her own "It should never have to be this hard Jackson" she told him "I'm not saying you two should stay apart forever, but right now you two only continue this cycle of hurting one another and is that a relationship that's going to last?"
"He's a few weeks from being back here" Callie said "he has a real shot of being the surgeon we both know he is, but his focus is you and every fight, every suspicion, every time he has to pretend he's not crying in front of Sofia takes away more of the man you fell in love with"
Looking at Callie Jackson felt his eyes start to water "I never wanted to-to hurt Sofia.. I didn't want her in the middle"
"Mark is her dad, Jackson, of course she knows when he's hurting. Not to mention she absolutely adores you and I've held her when she's heard you two arguing"
Jackson felt as if his heart was being ripped out of his chest. How could he be so selfish to not know that he and Mark's problems would affect more than just him and Mark?
Sometimes he wondered if Lewis was right about him after all.
"I separated from Arizona for a while" Callie told him "because we needed to find ourselves and we came back stronger than ever and I have no doubt that you and Mark could do the same, but if you try to hold on to him just because you're afraid of losing him then you've already lost him...or at least the part of him that made you fall in love in the first place"
"I -I don't know how to-"
"You let him know that you are both better than a relationship that is built on the kind of foundation that can't be sustained" Callie brought Jackson in for a hug and closing his eyes Jackson felt the first few tears fall and land on Callie's shoulder.
"I'm sorry" Jackson told her "I should have listened to you from the start"
"No" Callie said as she held his face firmly in her hands and her own eyes were misted over "I was wrong and I can admit that. You are a good man, Jackson, and I think after you take the time to really focus on yourself you are going to realize that and when the day comes that you and Mark can come back together and leave all this...crap behind I'm going to be the first one to congratulate you"
Nodding his head yes Jackson wiped his eyes. He would prove to Callie that he could be the good man she thought he was. Maybe if he let Mark go and let the man finally remember how good life could be without the problems that Jackson dropped on him people could see that he wasn't the horrible person they believed him to be.
It was going to kill Jackson, but if it meant Mark was going to be happy then Jackson would learn how to be happy for him too.
Mark Sloan POV:
"We're finished for today..." Lewis announced and Mark let out a relieved sigh. He had been anxious ever since he and Jackson separated before and he couldn't wait to see him again. Spend the rest of the day with him and just be happy. He knew they had to work on their relationship to really make it work, but he would do everything to keep him in his life.
"Good... thank you..." Mark replied cheerily, watching Lewis move towards him.
"You okay?" he asked, and there was a visible concern in his voice.
"Yeah... why wouldn't I?" Mark asked smiling, and it was an honest smile.
"You can't be serious with asking me that..." Lewis gave back, looking slightly disturbed all of a sudden. "We all know what happened, and I could totally understand if you're upset because of it and..."
"I'm not upset," Mark interrupted him. "In fact, Jackson and I talked about it and I'm giving him another chance..."
"That's good..." Lewis said, and it sounded like he was going to say something else, but instead he kept quiet.
"But?" Mark asked for this reason, tilting his head.
"No buts..." Lewis responded, turning around and collecting one of the mattresses and placing it in the corner of the room.
"Come on, Lewis... spill! I know you wanna say something, so just do it. I'm sure I can handle it." Mark walked over to Lewis, placing a hand on his shoulder and making Lewis turn around with that.
"I know you love my brother and even though he doesn't believe me, so do I... and I absolutely think you two are meant to be together, but..." Again he stopped, looking down.
Mark let out a sigh. "What is it, Lewis?"
"I just don't know if what you're doing right now is good for either of you... I've only been here a couple of weeks and I've seen you miserable more often than I've seen you happy... and Jackson too..." Lewis lifted his head so he could meet Mark's eyes.
"What do you wanna say by that?" Mark asked, backing away from Lewis and taking a few steps back.
"Look, Mark"... Lewis started, leaning back against the wall behind him. "I'm just worried about your well being... you've made so much progress, and maybe you two should concentrate on yourselves for a while... You're about to get back to work soon... If everything stays that way, I'm gonna clear you in a couple of weeks, I already told you that... I'm just concerned that Jackson could bring you down again... or be the reason for another relapse."
"Wait..." Mark said, raising one of his eyebrows. "Are you telling me to break up with him?"
"No!" Lewis replied hurriedly. "No, of course not... that's your life and like I said, I know you two love each other... I just think, your health should be your number one concern right now... and same goes for Jackson... and I don't know if you can get out of this hole you dug yourself into if you're together..."
"But Jackson isn't sick..." Mark gave back and he could tell from the sudden look in Lewis' eyes that he was onto something. "He's not, right?"
Lewis looked up at him. "Of course not... I'm sorry... I shouldn't have brought it up in the first place."
"Is there something I should know?" Mark asked and he couldn't shake off the bad feeling he was having all of a sudden.
"I'm just saying you should talk to him... and you should consider what I said, okay? But whatever decision you're going to make, I'm here if you need me... I would also be here for Jackson, but I doubt he would want that." Lewis explained, and Mark already knew he wouldn't get anything more out of him, so he just nodded.
"Okay... thanks... see you Wednesday," Mark replied and opened the door, taking one last look at Lewis before he turned around and left his office.
That had been really strange, and even though the last thing on his mind right now was to break up with Jackson, Lewis' words somehow made him think. He wasn't stupid. He knew that he and Jackson weren't making each other happy right now, but they could work on that, right? If they just both tried harder, it would be possible for them to get through this and start over. He was willing to do everything to get past this with Jackson and be happy with him and he most definitely wouldn't let anyone ruin the rest of the day. He would spend it with Jackson and he would think about everything later. Tonight was just about them.
When he made his way towards Jackson's office he saw Callie in the hallway, and smiled at her.
"Hey... what are you doing here?" he asked curiously, tilting his head.
"I just needed to talk to Jackson," Callie replied immediately.
Mark looked at her, raising an eyebrow. "Everything okay with you two?"
"Sure..." She got on her toes and kissed Mark's cheek, hugging him for a moment. "I'll be here for you if you need me..." she said and her last sentence concerned Mark more than he dared to admit, but before she even gave him the chance to say anything she was already gone around the next corner and leaving him standing there.
Maybe she had just been talking about the fact that Jackson had cheated on him, because everyone acted crazy since then. Even Derek. He had problems on his own and yet he had tried to be there for Mark and be his friend, and Mark would forever be thankful for that. Derek was his family, maybe the only one he had left.
He shook away his thoughts and literally jogging towards Jackson's office, knocking at the door. He had to see him right the fuck now, to get off the bad feeling that made his stomach flip.
He entered the room and closed the door behind him, seeing Jackson standing at his desk with his back towards him.
"Hey Baby...!" Mark greeted him, moving towards him and hugging him from behind. "I missed you so much..."
Jackson turned around in his arms, looking up at him with a sad smile. "I missed you, too," he gave back, placing his hands on his cheeks and started kissing him, and the moment his lips touched Mark's, Mark could tell that something was wrong, because there was a desperation in the kiss, that he had thought they were over by now, but obviously they weren't. Adding to that, Jackson's whole body was shaking when Mark pulled him closer and responded to the kiss.
He held him very tight, trying to calm him down, but the longer the kiss lasted, the more desperate it got, and all of a sudden Mark could taste a salty wetness, and was taken completely by surprise by that. He had no other choice than to end the kiss to look at Jackson and seeing the tears in his eyes.
"Jackson... you're crying... what... what's wrong?" He asked immediately, gently wiping away his tears with his thumbs. "I already told you I forgive you... we're going to be okay..."
Jackson shook his head. "No... no, we're not... as long as we're together, we're never going to be okay," Jackson said and his voice was breaking. He tried to get out of Mark's embrace, but Mark wouldn't let him.
"What are you talking about? Jackson, what's wrong? I thought we talked about everything..." he replied, literally clinging to him.
"You... you are so much better since you started your therapy with Lewis... you're making so much progress and the last time you relapsed, it was because of me... I don't want that to happen ever again. I want you to come back to work soon... I want you to be the doctor I fell in love with again... and I don't think you can do that with me pulling you down," Jackson explained, and Mark could see how difficult it was for him to speak out those words.
"You're not pulling me down, Jackson... you... you're making me happy..." Mark disagreed.
Jackson shook his head again. "That's not true and you know it... I cheated on you... and I lied to you... I'm not good for you..."
"Yes, you are!" Mark literally shouted at him, and that was the moment Jackson slipped out of his embrace. "I love you!"
"I love you, too, Mark... and that's why I need to break up with you..." Jackson said with tears in his eyes. "You... you were right all along when you told me you couldn't do that anymore... and you shouldn't... I'm... I'm not what you need right now and... and you're not what I need right now, either... can't you see what's happening? We're not happy with each other. We're bringing each other down over and over again..."
Mark listened, and he felt like he was in a haze. He heard Jackson's words, but he didn't want to let them inside of his heart, even though deep down he knew that somehow Jackson was right. He just didn't want to accept it, because he couldn't stand the thought of losing him.
"I... I don't want to break up with you... and I don't want you to break up with me..." he replied, feeling tears welling in his eyes. "Please don't do that to me... to us..."
"I have to... for both of our sakes..." Jackson said, moving towards Mark again and placing his hands on his cheeks. "You need to concentrate on yourself right now, Mark... you need to really have a chance to become the brilliant surgeon you once were again, and you can only do that with Lewis' help. And without me destroying the progress you're making over and over again."
"How can I ever live without you? You... Jackson, you're my life... you mean the world to me... and you saying that... is tearing me apart..." Mark admitted.
Jackson leaned his forehead against Mark's. "Believe me, it's killing me that I have to do this, but it's for the best... and I'm not doing it because I don't love you, I'm doing it because I love you more than anything in the world... and because I want us to have a real chance to be a couple at some point..."
"So you're saying this is only temporarily?" Mark asked with a slight hope in his voice he couldn't hide.
"Yeah... just because I'm breaking up with you doesn't mean I don't love you... or that I will stop loving you... no matter if it's in a month or a year... or in ten years... I will always love you... because you're the love of my life and I wanna have a family with you... with you and Sofia, and I want us to go on vacations and have a beautiful life together... I wanna grow old with you..." Jackson said and Mark could see in his eyes that he meant everything the way he said it.
"I am already old..." Mark gave back with a sad smile.
"Stop saying that... you're not... you're perfect... and you're perfect for me... and I want us to have a chance to do all the things I said... but if we go on like that, we'll never be able to pull that off... I want us both to have a chance to find ourselves again... and then each other..." Jackson pulled Mark close and hugged him very tight, leaning against his chest. "I love you so much... never forget that..."
"I won't..." Mark promised. "And I promise we'll find a way to make this work... and I'll always be there for you if you need me... no matter what... okay?"
He let go of Jackson just enough so he could lean down and kiss him, and this time it was a gentle kiss, and he put all of his emotions into the kiss, letting it last for as long as possible before he pulled back and took a step back. He knew if he didn't go now, he probably would change his mind, but he also knew that Jackson was right, even though it hurt.
"So that's it now...?" he asked, wiping away the last tracks of his own tears.
"I... yes... I think it is... but what you just said... it's the same for me... I'll be there for you... if you need me, I'll be there... that we're not together doesn't mean this is going to change..." Jackson replied, causing Mark to nod.
"Good bye, Jackson..."
Mark turned around and left the office, feeling weak in his knees all of a sudden, so he sat down on one of the chairs in the hallway, taking a few deep breathes. Losing Jackson like that hurt as hell, but at least they were on a positive note, both knowing that they were doing this for each other. To really have a chance to be together at some point and this was the hope that was keeping Mark sane and alive at this moment. He needed this hope not to lose his mind and himself completely. He would get better and he would prove to Jackson that he was the man that could make him happy, no matter what. They were going to be fine.
Eli Lloyd POV:
Eli made it a point to be at the hospital early the morning after watching Jackson and Holt's surgery.
The story of Jackson and Holt had been circulating ever since Jackson and Meredith's blow-up in the hall and Eli was worried for the younger man. It had taken a minute for Eli to even believe that Jackson would even touch Holt, but with the information of Jackson's rapidly increasing problems Eli had to accept that the man was indeed in trouble.
After changing into his scrubs he headed to the nurse's station to see Sasha Mills making up the day's work chart. Her bright, long red hair hung loosely at her side and her concentration seemed steadfastly on the task at hand.
Walking up he saw a Tupperware bowl filled with the chocolate-chip cookies that the young nurse was known for and Eli gave a smile as he reached around to try and grab one only to have his hand slapped away.
"Ow!" he said as he rubbed the spot that had hit his hand "what was that for?"
"Those are for Dr. Avery" she said looking at Eli.
"Which Dr. Avery?" not that Eli had to really question. The woman had harboured a crush on Jackson since the moment she started, but unlike the other nurses she was perfectly content to admire him from a distance and remain happy for the man's partners.
"Jackson, of course" she said "I wanted to congratulate him on that awesome surgery yesterday"
"I'm sure" Eli told her with a wry smile "although, I hate to break it you, but I hear he's spoken for"
Another slap to his arm and Sasha laughed "I'll have you know that I'm Dr. Avery and Dr. Sloan's biggest fan and I called them being together long before anyone else".
"Really?" Eli asked as he took a seat on the stool beside her.
"Of course" she told him "you couldn't see the way they used to stare at one another when they thought the other wasn't looking?"
"I guess I never paid much attention to it" Eli answered honestly.
"It was adorable" she said and opened up the Tupperware to pull out a cookie and hand it to Eli "don't say I've never given you anything".
"You're too good to me" Eli laughed.
"I know" she told him with a smile as she started to walk towards Jackson's office. Eli watched her leave and he did his best to ignore the smallest flutter in his chest.
He was still looking in the direction when Arizona had walked up to him "What has you so enthralled?" she asked with one of her patented smiles.
"What?" Eli said embarrassed "I wasn't looking at anything"
Turning her head towards the direction that Sasha had just left Eli feared for a moment that Arizona would be able to read his mind and know of his stupid crush.
"Okay" she said with a knowing smirk "I don't believe you, but I'm not going to pry...yet"
With a laugh Eli shook his head "I appreciate that"
"That's what friends do" she told him with a pat to his shoulder "but I am going to ask why you are here so early?"
Looking at Arizona Eli's face took on a sobering expression "I'm pretty sure the same reason you are"
The smile faded from Arizona's lips "Yesterday was a really bad day for him" she told Eli and the worry was wired throughout her body.
"I know he's not going to talk to us about it, but I wanted to just be here to make sure he's okay" Eli said and Arizona nodded in agreement.
"Callie told me he and Mark ended it" Arizona leaned over the counter and Eli felt the sadness wash over him.
Why couldn't the kid catch a goddamn break?
"Was it bad?" Eli asked.
"I can only go by what Mark told Callie, but it seems like they both agreed that separating for a while might do them some good"
"Do Mark and Callie even know about Jackson and his...problems?" Eli still didn't like saying drugs. Especially in a hospital that was just as well known for it's gossip as it was it's medicine.
Arizona shook her head no "I keep wanting to say something, but every time I try I just see Jackson's face and the devastated look he'd have at seeing one more person betray him and I just...can't"
"I get it" Eli said "but do you think Callie and Mark might be able to do more than we could?"
"I love my wife, Eli" Arizona started "but it's not a secret that she's been against Jackson and Mark from the start and hearing something like this could only cement her beliefs and the last thing Jackson needs is somebody else coming down on him"
"What about Mark?" Eli asked "I mean he loves him and I know he'd do anything to help"
"That's the problem" Arizona said "Mark would do anything and with him being so close to returning trying to fix Jackson could completely derail that and that would not only hurt Mark, but Jackson too"
"I just hate this" Eli said frustrated "I mean I know the problem and I can't just not do anything"
"I know" Arizona responded "part of me just wants to run up to him, hug him, and tell him that so many people care about him and we just want to help him if he'll let us and instead he's only drifting further and further away"
"Morning Dr. Robbins; Eli" Owen said as he walked up to the desk and grabbed the chart that Sasha had been working on just a few moments before.
Arizona and Eli both stood up straighter and stopped their conversation instantly.
"Morning" both said simultaneously.
Looking at the two Owen's face took on one of confusion "Everything okay?" he asked as he looked between Arizona and Eli.
"Of course" Arizona said with a smile "just an early morning and Sofia was particularly fussy last night".
"Oh, okay" Owen told her "well don't forget to fill me in on the liver repair you have later and Eli could you ask Sasha to stop by my office later? I need to ask her about that surgery with Holt and Avery yesterday"
"Sure...everything okay?" Eli asked concerned and looking at Arizona briefly he could see she held the same look of worry.
"It should be" Owen told him with half concentration "it's just with everything that happened with Meredith I'm going to need to make a report"
"I thought Holt and Avery fixed the nerve" Arizona said and she tried to sound as casual as possible.
"It's not that" Owen told her "she slapped Avery and I'm going to have to get down to the bottom of it"
"I see" Arizona responded and something in the pit of her stomach started to ache.
"Have a good morning you two" Owen said and walked over to the elevator to head to his office.
"Great" Eli said angrily "just what Jackson needs. Another fight on his record"
"That wasn't his fault" Arizona told him "Owen will see that"
"It also wasn't his fault that Alex sought him out and started that fight right outside of Hunt's office, but Jackson was involved and that alone is going to bring him trouble"
Rubbing her hand across her face Arizona suddenly looked older then her age "It's just never going to get easier for him, is it?"
Eli looked at her and he wanted to assure her, but in all honesty he just didn't see a good outcome "I don't know"
The hospital was starting to fill up with the morning shift and looking at the door Eli watched as the stream of workers walked in and dispersed to head towards their departments.
Eli had almost missed Jackson as he came in behind two OR techs who were both wider and taller than the man. He held a backpack with one strap around his shoulder and he kept his head down as he tried to make a beeline for his office.
It was the routine he did most mornings now, but Arizona had spotted him right away.
"Jackson" she yelled just loud enough to draw the man's attention and looking up Eli's heart broke the second he saw Jackson's eyes.
Bloodshot red and puffy.
It was more than obvious that he had spent most of the night crying.
"Yeah?" Jackson asked Arizona.
"I-I have this leg dissection later with Alex and I was wondering if you could come in for a consult?" she asked "the kid's only 8 and I don't want to leave him with a huge scar for the rest of his life"
Jackson looked as if he wanted to say no, but after a long moment he just nodded his head and told her a quick yes before ducking his head down and continuing on his way.
Turning around Arizona shrugged at Eli "It's something, right?"
"Yeah, it's something" Eli responded and he hoped that for now it could be enough.
Arizona Robbins POV:
Arizona fell on her chair once she arrived in her office, letting out an exhausted sigh. The whole situation was totally messed up and she didn't know what to do anymore, but at least there was Eli who she could talk to. Eli who understood her like maybe no one else and she was glad that over the past couple of weeks they had become such good friends.
She still felt bad for not talking to her wife or - more importantly - Mark about Jackson, felt bad for not being able to tell them what was going on, but she didn't want to cause Jackson any more trouble than he already was in. She thought the more difficult his life became, the higher the danger of Jackson getting even deeper into his drug abuse.
She wanted to help him so badly, but if Jackson didn't want any help, there was no way of him agreeing to some kind of therapy. She knew at least that. She wasn't stupid.
Hopefully she could at least show him that she was there for him. That she was his friend and that he could rely on her when he needed someone.
She still wasn't sure if Callie did the right thing by talking to Jackson and making him break up with Mark, but maybe it was really good for the both of them to be apart for some time. To both get their lives back on track. She knew how it was to be apart from the person you love most in the world, though, and remembering those times she was separated from Callie still killed her.
It hadn't been a mistake, though, because she probably would have never found out what was really important to her if it wasn't for their break-up. Hell, Sofia might not even be here, if she hadn't come to her senses.
Arizona was pulled out of her thoughts by a knock at the door. Was it already time for Jackson to come for his consult?
Looking up she shouted "Come in!" towards the door and was surprised to find Alex standing in her office.
"Hey," Alex greeted her, and he looked somehow nervous.
"Hey," Arizona gave back, giving him a warm smile. "Everything alright?"
"Yes... yes, sure..." Alex replied, scratching the back of his neck and moving closer towards her desk after he had closed her door.
"I just thought we could talk about the surgery again... just to be sure I got everything right. I don't wanna make a mistake that causes permanent damage to a young boy."
"Alex..." Arizona sighed, reaching out and placing a hand on Alex' forearm.
"You know what to do and you know you're good in your job. Otherwise, I wouldn't have let you run the paediatric section while I was gone..."
"Which you only were because of me being stupid... I should have been on that plane..." Alex gave back, causing Arizona to let out another sigh.
"Alex... come on, I thought we've talked about that..." she gently replied. "There's no need to apologize again. Who knows what would have happened if you were on that plane instead of me. Maybe you would be dead... like Lexie..."
Alex bit his lower lip. "Yeah... maybe... or maybe I could have saved her if I was there..."
"We'll never find out, Alex... as cold as it sounds... so please, let it go..." Arizona said, pausing for a moment to look deep into Alex' eyes. "And I know this is not about you... or me... or the plane crash... admit it..."
Alex nodded slightly. "Yes... you... you're right... you know me damn well, boss..."
Arizona let out an amused laugh. "Don't call me that ever again, or I might have to kill you and get rid of your body."
That made Alex laugh, too, and Arizona on the other hand felt slightly relieved that she had caused this reaction from him.
"Okay, I'll remember that..." he chuckled, getting serious again after a short time. "But you... you're right... that's not why I'm in this... mood..."
"It's about Jackson... right?" Arizona asked directly, getting a nod from Alex.
"Eli has told you everything, hasn't he?" Alex gave back, looking at her and now it was on Arizona to nod.
"Yeah... but I mean, I didn't leave him much of a choice after Jackson... literally attacked me..."
"He did what?" Alex stared at her in shock.
"It wasn't that bad... seriously..." Arizona waved dismissively. "But for a moment there I really thought he would... I don't know... it's stupid, but he screamed at me and it really scared me, because I've never seen him like that..."
"It's... it's not him... it's the drugs... and you know that," Alex said gently, looking at her with a very concerned look in his eyes. "But I didn't think it was already that bad... I... I don't know what to do anymore... he doesn't even want me near him... When I last talked to him he said if I or Lewis ever come close to his office again, he's gonna get us both suspended... he totally shuts us out..."
"Well... at least I'm not on his hate list... not yet, that is..." Arizona replied with a sad smile. "We... just need to show him that there are people who love him and support him, no matter if he wants to see it or not..."
Another knock at the door interrupted their conversation and Arizona got to her feet immediately, rounding her desk.
"Who's that?" Alex asked, confused.
"Jackson, I assume... I asked him for a consult..." Arizona willingly replied.
Tilting his head, Alex looked at her. "But why? We can do it without him..."
"I know... but..." she said, getting interrupted by Alex immediately.
"Oh... right! I understand..."
"Thank you..." Arizona smiled, before answering a following knock by opening the door.
"Hey... I'm here about the consult, but I can come back later if you're busy right now..." Jackson suggested, and the way Arizona was blocking the doorway he hadn't see Alex yet, and Arizona didn't know if it was a good idea if he did, either, but on the other hand... maybe she could make them talk.
"No, it's okay... come in..." she smiled, swinging the door open and watching Jackson come in but stopping in his tracks once he saw Alex sitting there.
"What's going on here?" Jackson asked angrily. "Why am I really here?"
"For a consult, like I told you..." Arizona hurriedly replied.
"Yeah, you did..." Jackson said coldly. "Show me the file then, so I can get back to work soon."
"Jackson, please..." Arizona said, gently touching his arm, but Jackson shook it off immediately. "Can't you see that I'm... that we're just worried about you?"
"No need to be, I'm okay," Jackson gave back, crossing his arms above his chest.
"No! No, you're not!" Alex said, and it was the first time he spoke since Jackson entered the room. "Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to us. We're your friends, Jackson."
"Friends? Yeah, right!" Jackson let out a laugh. "Friends who go behind my back and instead of talking to me before, believing everything someone tells them..."
"What are you talking about?" Alex asked defensively.
"Have you or have you not believed Lewis the second he told you I've slept with his fiancé without even asking me if it's true? You just assumed it was, like everyone else. That's not what friends do," Jackson bit back. "But it obviously only needs a pretty face for you to act like a dick-driven idiot. A few sugar coated words were enough and you spread your legs for some random guy who you didn't even know... that's all it takes..."
Alex looked really guilty for a moment, Arizona could tell, and she seriously didn't know whether she should say something or stay out of this fight, but it was her fault that they were attacking each other verbally again.
"Stop it!" she said, looking between Alex and Jackson. "Both of you..."
She turned to Jackson and looked him in the eye. "I know that you are hurt... that you're suffering, and I'm your friend... I'm here for you, because I love you... we all love you... can't you see that?" Once again she moved towards him and touched his arm. "You need help, Jackson..."
"No, I don't," Jackson disagreed. "I'm perfectly fine. Really... Arizona, no need for you to worry... So if you can get me the chart now, or I'm gonna leave, because I have some other work to do..."
He obviously didn't want to talk about anything other than work, but at least he was still here and hadn't left yet. That was at least something, even though it wasn't much.
"Yeah... sure..." Arizona sighed, turning around and grabbing the chart from her desk, sending Alex a desperate look.
She didn't know how to get through to Jackson anymore, but watching him hurt like that killed her from the inside, and she just hoped he would come to his senses at some point. Without his help, he couldn't be helped at all. They could force him into rehab, but it wouldn't change anything in the long run. He needed to want someone to help him, but he obviously wasn't ready yet, but Arizona didn't know how long she could keep just watching Jackson destroying himself, because she meant what she had just said. She loved him and she wanted him to be the guy he was when they first met.