Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Twenty, Part One: Unusual Delivery
By Kaori
When Kakashi's Deliverator team had clocked in for their shift that morning they were informed by Shift Manager Ebisu to report to Sarutobi's office immediately as it was a matter of great importance. Unsure what to make of this development they hurried there and now both parties were staring at each other in stoic silence. Ten, twenty, thirty minutes passed and then...
"Zzz..."
They realized that the Franchise Manager was asleep with his eyes open. Naruto glared, took a deep breath and...
"YOU SHITTY OLD MAN! I'MA BURN YOUR PORN STASH!"
"DON'T TOUCH MY BABIES!" shrieked the Franchise Manager. Three sets of blank stares met his wide eyes. Recovering quickly from his outburst, he sat down in his chair, and adopted a cool and composed pose. No one was buying it in the slightest, but if they wanted to remain employed (read: alive) pretending none of that happened was in their best interest. "This is a very special delivery that I need you to make. Under normal circumstances I would not even dream of sending a rookie Deliverator team on such an important assignment but right now there is no one else available." he turned around to reach into his credenza and pulled out a box. "Do NOT open this box. The thirty minute time limit is extended to twenty-four hours after you exit the franchise. It is to our immense frustration that it is impossible for any ninja to deliver to that place in thirty minutes. So many lives needlessly lost... Oh, and don't worry if you are seen by the client, hiding from the client is also futile."
"Where exactly are we taking this?" Kakashi asked, as he took the box from Sarutobi. His only response was being handed an envelope and given a stern look.
"Don't open that until you leave. Now, Kitadake-san is expecting you. Keeping him waiting is a very bad idea so I suggest you go now." Needing no further prompting, Deliverator Team 7 left the Third Franchise Manager's office and headed down to Weapons Research and Development.
The eccentric old man and his assistants were indeed waiting for them. Once the usual shenanigans were finished - having to endure sexual harassment, verbal abuse, jokes at their expense, and being blown up, twice - they handed each of them a bag with the firm instructions to not open any of the bags unless they ran out of options and only to open one bag at a time.
"Is it just me, or are there a ridiculous number of strange orders that go along with this delivery?" Naruto commented.
"What would happen if we opened all four bags at once?" Sakura had asked out of curiosity.
"We don't know." Myoko intoned.
"No one's ever come back in one piece after doin' it!" chirped Yari. "The pathologists at D.E.A.T.H.S still can't figure out which pieces go where on the last dumbass who tried it."
"One bag at a time, got it." Sakura said.
"Do you know where we're going?" Sasuke asked Kitadake.
"Maaaaaybe." the old man replied unhelpfully.
"Do you know where we're going but can't tell us, or do you know where we're going but won't tell us?" ventured Kakashi.
"I won't say that I can but I can't say that I would." drawled Kitadake.
"So... wait. Does that mean you're not allowed to tell us or that you just don't want to?" Naruto squinted, trying to glean wisdom from between his eyelashes and only managing to further obscure his vision.
"It means what it means." the old madman stated. "What I am and am not allowed is irrelevant at best and tenuous at worst."
Kakashi, sensing they would get nothing but ice cream koans (1) if they attempted to further press the issue, thought it best that they leave now.
They stood in the parking lot quivering in anticipation. Kakashi stared at the envelope in his hand as if he could will it to divulge its secrets without tearing it open. His three subordinates looked on, feeling both dread and excitement. A bead of sweat rolled down Naruto's face, Sakura swallowed thickly, and Sasuke's fingers twitched as Kakashi slowly opened the envelope and pulled out a single memo card.
"It's a poem." he stated.
"Well, read it!" Sakura snapped, the tension starting to get on her nerves. Kakashi cleared his throat.
"Your journey begins.
Please don't be alarmed.
Keep your wits about you,
And you won't be harmed.
The first thing to do
Young woman and men
Is a snappy dance number
Let's do the Time Warp again!"
"The Time Warp?" parroted Naruto incredulously. "What the heck is that?" Kakashi rubbed his chin and hummed nostalgically.
"Ah, if I recall correctly...it's just a jump to the left..." the trio of teens did so. "...and then a step to the right." again they did so. "Put your hands on your hips, then bring your knees in tight."
Out of nowhere, the girls that usually appear scantily clad during Naruto's flip-outs appeared along with the main cast of Haiyore! Nyaruko-san (except for Mahiro because it would lower his SAN points) to continue the chorus as everyone did the requisite pelvic thrust.
A bright flash of light, a trumpet fanfare, and a brief soliloquy from Leonard Nemoy and...
"WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!" Sakura screamed.
"We're in Hell for some reason." Sasuke blinked.
Despite Sasuke's assertion to the contrary, they were not in fact in Hell. Although they may as well have been.
"Why...the fuck...are we in Boatmurdered (2)?" ground out Naruto.
"Better question is how you even know where we are." Sasuke said, deadpan. Naruto pointed to the sign on the portcullis with the name of the fortress prominently displayed. Sasuke made a disgusted face but not from Naruto's observation skills. He just noticed that they were ankle deep in kobold gore. "This better not be the delivery address."
"Don't worry, it's not." Kakashi stated, eyeing the memo card he had been reading from before. "The note's changed. It says we have to kill every dwarf in this fortress." His three young charges gave him a collective incredulous look. He gave them the note to read for themselves.
I tell you no lie.
Mark well and take heed,
All dwarves must die
If you wish to proceed.
"This person is twisted." Sakura scowled.
"You're one to talk..." muttered Sasuke, taking out his franchise issued katana. "Let's just hurry up and get this over with."
I would like to tell you that an epic battle ensued where are heroes, outnumbered seven hundred to four, slaughtered all of their opponents.
I would really like to tell you that Naruto flipped out so hard that songs and books were written, several movies were made, and women ripped off their clothes in his presence from the sheer enormity of the carnage he wrought; that Sasuke managed to surpass his brother's kill record armed with nothing more than his katana, some C4, and 25 feet of garotte wire; that Sakura somehow managed to get a herd of elephants (3) to obey her, demolish three quarters of the fortress, and eventually cornering Sasuke so that she could rape him; that Kakashi cut a swathe of murder and death through the remainder of the fortress with naught but a porno mag and his franchise issued katana.
I would like to tell you all these things and more...but it would all be lies.
As the dwarves in this fortress, like all other fortress, are depressed and prone to self-destruction at the drop of a hat it was painfully easy to set one of them on fire causing a chain reaction that resulted in the entire place being set on fire and burning to the ground (4).
Just as the note said, once everyone in the fortress had been turned into barbecue the foursome was instantly transported to the next stop on their delivery odyssey.
Yeah, you only thought you were reading a crack fic before. I tried not to let things get too stupid, but eventually I gave up. Two more chapters to go, how many more must die before we learn where our heroes are going and who this delivery is for?
1) If you have ice cream I will give you some.
If you have no ice cream I will take it away from you.
This is an ice cream koan.
2)From Dwarf Fortress. You can still read the Let's Play for that particular playthrough but I warn you now it's a long read.
3) Trust me, this makes sense if you've actually played Dwarf Fortress or read some of the above-mentioned archive.
4) I shit you not. You can do this in the game. Repeatedly. Sometimes you don't even have to do it, it just happens. And there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop it. "Losing is fun."