A few of you wanted to know the thought process that lead to the last chapter, so here it is:

The Lord of Shadow sent this review before the previous chapter was posted: "UPROAD NEW CHAPTA OR DISHONNOR YOUR FAMIRY". After cleaning up the coffee from my massive spit take, my first immediate thought was "friggin' hell that's going to stain" (I should know better than to drink coffee when reading my email). This lead to a logic train that went:

what the hell - go to hell - send 'em all to hell - Samurai Cat Goes to Hell (never read it, but I want to) - Ninja Burger Cast Goes to Hell.

"Brilliant!" I thought, and fired up my word processor. A couple of changes in setting here, a removal of a few characters there, a quick re-read of the what I had previously written, and voila! Scroll Twenty, Part Two!

And the moral of this story is: Review. You never know what might inspire the depraved fanfic writers.

Oh, one last thing. The title for this chapter is from Excel Saga Episode 3 because, why not?

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Twenty, Part Three: The Sacrificial Lamb of the Venomous Great Escape of Hell
By Kaori

Despite all appearances to the contrary, Kevin and Trevor were proving to be quite useful in leading the way to the exit. Sadly that is all they were good for and the ninja had no choice but to do all the fighting. Completely unfair since they were, you know, still alive.

"A little help would be nice!" Sakura yelled at the two slackers, trying very hard not to get impaled a particularly cliché demon was wielding.

"We would, brah, but it's like...against the rules or somethin'..." shrugged Trevor.

"You're in Hell!" Naruto yelled angrily, round-house kicking a demon before pointing at him accusingly. "You pick now to develop scruples?"

"Dude, we're here because we were lazy and wilfully ignorant all of our lives." Kevin pointed out ducking the dismembered pieces of a devil Kakashi had deliberately thrown at him. "Fighting would require a change of character we're incapable of. You know, 'cause... we're like.. dead. Also, just because we're not alive doesn't mean getting hit doesn't hurt. I mean this is Hell..."

"If we didn't need you to get out of here and you weren't already dead I'd kill you!" Sakura screeched. Sasuke non-verbally voiced his agreement by messily ripping a demon apart and splattering Kevin in gore.

"Dude! Heinous!"

"Deal with it." snarled Sasuke.

"Less arguing, more ass-kicking." chided Kakashi.

After fighting their way through seventeen more mobs and not getting any closer to their goal of escaping Hell, Naruto demanded to know if there wasn't a faster way out. The two erstwhile stoners replied in the affirmative. This resulted in a beating that, had they still been mortal, would have undoubtedly resulted in their deaths. Much to the chagrin of the ninja quartet it was only excruciatingly painful.

"I don't know why you're in such a hurry anyway." drawled Trevor, once he'd returned his head to its normal position outside of his rectum. Naruto had none too gently shoved it there after Sasuke ripped it off of his neck. "You do know that time doesn't exist here so you literally have eternity."

"Nobody in their right minds wants to spend an eternity in Hell." glared Sasuke, seriously considering reintroducing Trevor's face to the far end of his digestive tract.

"Do eeet..." chanted Sakura, who should stop eavesdropping on the narration. "It's not eavesdropping if it's loud enough for me to hear it."

"Dude, you really shouldn't talk to the narrator. It's not cool." Kevin said, although it sounded more like "Vood, woo ee ee fudden dk doo doo mmrrmmrrdrr. Eff novt kwl." since he was planted head first into a wall.

"How do you know she's talking to the narrator?" blinked Kakashi.

"How come you understood any of that?" countered Naruto.

"It's a skill." the supervisor shrugged. "Well?"

"We used to hear the same voice when we were high, but we always thought it was the TV. Once you're dead they kinda explain how everything in the universe works as an extra level of torture." Trevor answered as he tried to free his friend. "Uh, could you umm..."

After extracting Kevin from the wall, the ninja were lead through a winding corridor full of demons and abominations that they had to fight their way through, passed numerous tortured souls, a lake of fire, a boy dressed in yellow demanding to know where he was and the location of Ranma Saotome , a high school delinquent with a baby on his back being harangued by a blonde maid, and numerous other curiosities before finally being shown into what appeared to be an ordinary (if completely empty) office.

"So, what now?" Sasuke asked.

"You wanted the quick way out so now you gotta fill out the paperwork." shrugged Trevor.

"Paperwork?" blinked the three younger ninja, Kakashi twitched.

"Yeah man, Hell is like, the biggest bureaucracy you've ever seen." shivered Kevin. "You spend all your life stickin' it to the Man only to find yourself workin' for him when you're dead."

"I've changed my mind let's go back to punching everything that gets in our way." Kakashi said hastily, grabbing his subordinates and dragging them behind him. He was unfortunately unable to complete his egress due to the rather large body blocking the door.

"Boss!" squeaked Trevor and Kevin.

"Ah, you've cornered the mortals. Very good." boomed the entity that was currently towering over the ninja on the floor.

"Err...yeah. Yeah! We totally tricked them into coming in here since we knew you'd, like, be back any minute." Kevin toadied. Trevor nodded his head vigorously in agreement. Both were bitch-slapped clear across the room by the creature's massive red hand.

"Don't try to bullshit me! I know you've actually been helping them. I hope you enjoy molten glass because you'll be drinking it for the next two hundred years." it turned its attention to the trio on the floor who had been hoping that it wouldn't. "You three have a lot of nerve coming down here."

It was nine feet tall, dark red, and wearing a black business suit. Shiny obsidian hooves peeked out from the bottom of the immaculately pressed trousers. Golden ram's horns protruded from its head, which also sported a fiery red mane plaited into a long braid tied off at the end with a black ribbon. It peered at them with golden eyes, from behind a pair of pince-nez glasses resting on its snout; the glasses themselves would have made the creature look ridiculous if not for the massive tusks protruding from in its mouth. Undoubtedly, what they were looking at was a demon. How much of one was yet to be determined.

"It wasn't actually our intention to come here." mumbled Sasuke. The demon gave an apathetic shrug.

"That does not change the fact that you are though." the demon cocked his head to the side and gave the ninja an appraising look. Then he noticed the box Kakashi was clutching as if his life depended on it; which it did since failure to deliver meant seppuku. "Wait a minute, you guys are from Ninja Burger. One moment please..." Less out of curiosity and more relief at not being immediately killed in some painful way the ninja waited.

The demon walked over to his desk and opened the top right drawer, rifled through it for a few moments, and then pulled out a sheet of black paper. "Ah, here we go..." the demon muttered. Louder it asked, "You are Hatake Kakashi, Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura, and Uzumaki Naruto correct?" the ninja nodded. "I deeply apologize for the inconvenience. We had been expecting you at the main door. Apparently nobody thought to enquire into your identities and just assumed you to be intruders come to liberate your loved-ones from Hell." The demon stood. "If you would be so kind as to follow me I will lead you to your customer."

Perplexed but with no real choice, the quartet silently followed their new guide.

Instead of the corridors and chambers of horror and despair they had been running through earlier, they were instead lead through a corridor constructed in the typical Gothic style but was for some reason decorated in accordance to the Retro 60's aesthetic. There was even shag carpet for Warhol's sake! The demon leading them seemed not to take any notice of the befuddling decor, and dutifully lead them towards the extremely psychedelic doorway mounted in a dark wood frame; the gargoyle statues on either side were really not helping the visual dissonance at all.

The demon knocked thrice on the door. The ninja stood apprehensively as a muffled voice bade them enter. The portal opened, and the ninja were bodily shoved through it; the demon closing the door quietly behind them.

Kakashi and his minions didn't move from where they lay sprawled out. After all it's only sense to not move when you appear to be suspended over an abyss of nothingness. The only sounds in the room were their own breathing, a faint murmuring, and some sort of clicking noise.

"Oh, you guys made it." a rough alto stated. "I was beginning to wonder if I would starve to death." Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light and the section of void the ninja were occupying now appeared to be a white-tiled floor with an ordinary, wooden end table in front of them. On the table was exactly seven dollars. The owner of the voice, as well as the details of the rest of the room remained obscured by empty blackness. "Just leave it on the table there."

"Erm..." Sakura ventured, as her supervisor did as he was asked while taking the money.

"If I told you who I was you would go mad. I won't reveal myself either as that would have the same result." said the voice.

"Okay, but..." Naruto fidgeted. There was something incredibly unnerving about this place but for the life of him he couldn't understand why.

"You don't know how to get out of here. You have one bag left, toss it towards the sound of my voice." Befuddled, and having no mental presence to ask how the mysterious being knew about the bag, Sasuke tossed his bag in the direction he believed the voice was coming from. A cacophony erupted around them rendering the quartet temporarily deaf. Just as their ears stopped ringing, the bag was tossed back, hitting Sasuke in the face.

"Okay that ought to do it. You can open it now."

The other three ninja crowded around Sasuke as he slowly opened the bag. Nothing seemed to be happening until a scaly hand suddenly reached out and grabbed Naruto by the neck.

Scared shitless and screaming, Naruto attempted to jump back while simultaneously wrenching at the hand at his neck. This did nothing to help his predicament and only succeeded in pulling the thing that was attempting to strangle him all the way out of the bag.

I will spare you the description of the horrendous, eldritch monstrosity that was doing a magnificent job of ending the young blonde's life. Such a thing would be quite impossible as its appearance (save for the hands around Naruto's neck) cannot be adequately illustrated using human language.

Meanwhile, his horrified compatriots shook off their shock and attempted to render assistance only to find themselves subdued by thousands of slimy tentacles that attempted to drag them into the bag from which they appeared.

His life and the life of his co-workers in extreme peril and with no hope for salvation, Naruto did the only thing he could do...

That's right.

Naruto had an Epic Flip Out.

/WARNING: GODZILLA THRESHOLD CROSSED. /

Flames roared up where the black void had been showering the entire scene in fireballs and igniting the two creatures that were assaulting the ninja. There was no music. Only wails and screams of the damned rising up from below and being thrown into the fires of the netherworld. Shadows of things best left unseen swirled around, flittering in and out of existence so fast you couldn't be certain you had seen them at all.

Then, as if the eye of a hurricane was passing over them, everything went absolutely silent. No sound could be heard, no sound could be made. This auditory void lasted for what could have been an eternity or five seconds, but it ended all at once in noise so deafening the very core of their souls resonated with anguish.

Somewhere in all this torment, a small, quiet voice said, "Really, was all that completely necessary?"

To which another replied, "It's the only way to get a damned ninja burger around here. Why are you always on my back? It's not like fixing this thing is hard."

"One of these days, you are going to break it, and the bosses are going to have your ass in a sling."

"Che, whatever...Hey! Those are my fries!"

/ REALITY RE-ASSERTION PROGRAM RUNNING...REALITY RESTORED./

"Ah, you've made it back." stated the Third Franchise Manager benignly. Kakashi and his minions blinked owlishly as they had the distinct feeling that they had been somewhere else entirely. Trying to recall exactly where that was filled them all with the sudden urge to break down into hysterical gibbering that they would probably not be able to stop. Yes, not thinking about it seemed to be the wise decision. The Franchise Manager seemed to sense their disquiet and nodded knowingly. "The delivery was a success then."

"Er, yes sir." Kakashi's brain reminded him that he was capable of speech. His subordinates were still wrestling with the concept of being alive.

"Well, I think you have all earned some time off. Oh, and one more thing..." the old ninja looked at Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura with a smile. "Congratulations, you are officially the youngest deliverators to complete this particular delivery. Be proud, this will almost certainly guarantee you a promotion in the next fiscal year."

EPILOGUE

Deliverator Team 7 were allowed a one week reprieve for completing their harrowing delivery. Kakashi, still late with his rent money, spent it indulging in porn, alcohol, and killing samurai. Sometimes all three at the same time.

Sasuke, after finally managing to do something that his older brother could not and almost dying in the process, managed to earn an inkling of respect from his parents. His father now only tried to murder him Monday through Friday and every other Christmas. His mother, stopped calling him a failure at breakfast time.

Sakura stalked Sasuke all week; actually managing to French kiss him whilst he was distracted by his father's murder attempt. Also, because of her mind-shattering ordeal is no longer able to hear the narration.

As for Naruto...

"Ouch! Take it easy with that!" the blonde cried out.

"Then stop moving. Taatoo removal is delicate work." deadpanned the surgeon.

Acknowledging that they probably wouldn't have completed that delivery and escaped with their lives if it weren't for Naruto, Kakashi pulled the blonde aside and asked him if he would like to know how he could stop being company property.

Of course he did.

"So," the supervisor posited. "why not just buy yourself?"

This led to a trip to the Ninja Resources Department (to which Sasuke tagged along to try to kill Itachi, and Sakura for another chance to molest Sasuke), to see Kakuzu.

"Well, considering that we actually got you for free..." hummed Kakuzu. "... the laws on human trafficking, and the fact that you've been working here...tell you what, just pay to have the tattoo removed and we'll call it even."

It only took three days of killing random samurai and blackmailing the Third Franchise Manager for Naruto to come up with enough money to fund his laser removal surgery. Of course this meant he went to the cheapest (licensed, mind you but still cheap) surgeon in town, but as long as he didn't have to deal with the embarrassing stamp of ownership on his backside he couldn't complain...too much.

And thus ends another idiotic tale by your deranged authoress. Hopefully my next foray into madness, whatever it may be, will have a better plot.