To The Journey

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. This is an AU story.

Chapter Sixty: Make It So

"Asil!"

The Vulcan engineer stopped and turned at the familiar voice, indicating for the two officers she had been talking with to go ahead without her. "Tasha. I did not expect you."

"You're one to talk about the unexpected," Tasha tossed back lightly. "Why didn't you tell me you'd transferred out of Engineering Corps?"

"I had intended to," Asil replied evenly. "The last time we spoke, you seemed to be preoccupied with your friends' wedding and the change of crew on the Enterprise. I decided that it would be prudent to wait until the occasion had passed before I presented you with additional information."

Tasha smiled, but shook her head incredulously. "Asil, I was on Earth. It might've been my last chance to see you before you left."

"It was not," the Vulcan pointed out simply. "I knew that you intended to return to Earth following the Betazoid ceremony. My intention was always to tell you at that time; in this instance, I had planned to come and see you on the Enterprise later today. I had thought that you would prefer that I tell you in person."

"In person, yes. At the last minute, no. I mean, as it was, we were delayed by several days. What if we'd been delayed even further? You could've been gone before the Enterprise got back."

"I am confident that would not have happened."

"How? According to what Father told me, you're scheduled to leave the day after tomorrow. That's cutting it awfully close. You know as well as anyone that delays can happen at any time."

"I do know that," she conceded. "However, in this case, I was able to predict with a significant level of certainty that I would not be leaving Earth before the Enterprise's return. Specifically, I did not believe that Starfleet would permit it."

Tasha shook her head again, this time in confusion. "Starfleet...wouldn't permit it? Why?"

"Because to depart prior to your return would have necessarily meant departing without our Captain, as well as several other essential members of the crew. I knew that Starfleet would attempt to avoid that situation so long as it was possible."

"Your Captain..." And then, the pieces began to come together. Asil's description had left only one possibility. "You're on the Titan?"

"Yes," she replied matter-of-factly.

"Why didn't you just say that to begin with?"

"I thought that you knew. Until you mentioned Father, I had believed that it was Captain Riker who told you of my transfer."

"Captain Riker," Tasha repeated. "I'm still getting used to the sound of that. He's been 'Commander' to me for fifteen years."

"I have met him. He seems an excellent officer, though he appears to be quite different from what I know of Captain Picard."

"They are very different," Tasha agreed. "The best command teams often are. As long as there's a mutual understanding and respect involved, the varied perspective can be very useful on the bridge, especially in a crisis."

"Yes, I have observed that. Captain Scott also remarked upon it on various occasions."

Tasha gave a soft laugh. "He'd know if anyone would. Captain Kirk and Commander Spock are the example of that philosophy. But speaking of Scott, how does he feel about your leaving?"

"It is complicated," she said after a moment. "He says he is pleased for me, and I believe him. And he did compose a recommendation for me. However, when the time of my departure became fixed, he seemed to become quite upset."

Tasha nodded knowingly. "Oh, I know that conundrum well. I've felt the same way when some of my security officers moved on – two in particular," she added, thinking of Worf and Jenna. "I was happy for them, that they were accomplishing something that I knew was important to them, but at the same time, it was hard not having them around. Especially the ones who had become friends."

Asil nodded. "I believe I understand. And Captain Scott has always seemed especially fond of me."

"Senior officer's prerogative. Well, that and older family members," she added with a smile. "I remember it was pretty hard leaving you behind when I took my first assignment. Which reminds me; you said you had planned to come see me on the Enterprise later today. Is there anywhere you need to be, or can you accompany me back now?"

"I can. For what purpose?"

"There's something I need to tell you. In private."

xxxxxxxxx

"I'm sorry. I'm not ready for this."

The two doctors shared a look as their final patient all but ran out of Sickbay. Hill spoke first. "That...could be a problem." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "For right now, I suppose I could check with Doctor Crusher, see how long ago her last exam was. Maybe it's close enough..."

"Not ideal," the younger officer replied.

"No, it's not. But it may be the best option we have." He sighed, shaking his head. "If it were anyone else, the next step would be to get the ship's counselor involved. But there's no protocol for a situation where the ship's counselor is also the affected party."

"Give her a couple of hours, and then let me try talking to her alone," Jessica said after a long silence. "I'm not certified, but I took a couple of counseling classes. I think my adviser thought I was either crazy or trying way too hard," she added, suppressing a sudden urge to laugh at the memory of that conversation, "but I had a feeling it was something I'd want to know. Just in case I encountered, well, a situation like this."

"See what you can do," Hill agreed. "I have a feeling that if we put it off, this won't be the end of it."

xxxxxxxxx

As the door to her quarters hissed shut, Deanna Troi sank to the floor and allowed the tears to flow, hating herself for her weakness.

Before her appointment, she'd carefully worked through everything she would have recommended for one of her patients in a similar situation. But as soon as she'd climbed on the table, the fear had come rushing back, overpowering all of her attempts to hold it at bay. The only thought she'd been able to string together was that she had to get out of there, now, before she lost control of herself completely.

You should call someone.

A small part of her training seemed to be pushing through the chaos and fear, offering the same suggestion she might have given to a patient. Call someone. Don't try to fight a panic attack on your own.

She reached for her combadge, hesitating momentarily as she tried to decide who to reach out to. Her first thought was Will, but as much as she loved him, she didn't think he'd be able to give her what she needed.

There was no one else on the Titan that she was ready to share this with. Her mother, who had been almost surprisingly supportive, had left for Betazed the day before. That left her with only one name on her lips. "Computer," she commanded, trying to hold her voice steady, "establish communication with Lieutenant Commander Tasha Yar, USS Enterprise."

xxxxxxxxx

Even the brief process of transport seemed to take an eternity to Tasha as she waited anxiously to materialize on the Titan's deck. The panicked call she'd received just minutes earlier had sent her concern levels into overdrive, so much so that she'd immediately demanded a site-to-site beam-in, lacking the patience to even make her way to the transporter room.

At least the transport had been precise, setting Tasha down just a few meters from the Captain's quarters. She sprinted the short distance, pressing the chime the second it was within her arm's reach.

A choked "come in" released the door, and a moment later, Tasha was – finally – standing in front of her friend. Deanna was sitting on the floor, her back to the wall and knees pulled to her chest.

"Oh, Deanna," she said softly, dropping to her knees to bring herself to eye level with the counselor. "What is it? What's wrong?"

She looked up, tears pooling in her dark eyes. "Help me."

"How? What do you need?"

Deanna just shook her head, uncurling herself just enough to fall into Tasha's arms, much as she had that day in the turbolift. Tasha cradled her close as she began to cry.

"What happened?" she asked when Deanna's crying had eased a little.

"What happened..." she shook her head, as if in disbelief. "I panicked over a simple medical exam, that's what happened."

"Are you all right now?"

Deanna nodded, moving a hand from Tasha's waist to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't. It's okay."

"It's not okay," she sniffed. "I know all the tricks, all the techniques...I did everything to be ready for that appointment. But the second I stepped in, it was like it all evaporated."

"I know." She hugged Deanna close again. "I know."

Deanna let out a frustrated breath. "I should be better than this!"

Tasha pushed back from the embrace so she could look her friend in the eyes. "Deanna, you said you used your counseling techniques on yourself to prepare for the appointment, right?"

"Yes."

"So, let's try that now," she said gently. "Tell me, what would you say to a patient who was struggling with the aftermath of a traumatic event, to the point where it interfered with things that had once been simple?"

Deanna swallowed hard. "I'd tell her – I'd tell her that trauma can leave a lasting impact, and it's not her fault that she can't bounce back as if nothing happened. I'd tell her it's going to take time, and that she might need to make accommodations for herself for awhile. I'd tell her –" Deanna choked back a sob that suddenly rose in her throat. "I'd tell her that I understand it's frustrating to have to do things differently, and that changing things in one's life can feel like giving a level of power to the person who hurt you, but that it's not shameful to – to –"

"To take care of yourself however you have to," Tasha finished. "And you'd be right to tell her all of that. Deanna," she pressed, "look at me. I know how easy it is to fall into blaming yourself. So I'm telling you exactly what you'd tell me or anyone else. This isn't your fault."

Deanna began crying again, burying her head in her friend's shoulder. "Thank you," she managed to sob out. "I knew – I knew you'd understand."

Tasha cradled her close. "You have to cut yourself a break, Deanna. You wouldn't expect anyone else to come through an ordeal like yours without needing some time to heal, and you shouldn't expect it of yourself."

"I wish I could go back to the way I was," she burst out, her frustration finally bubbling to the surface. "Then maybe my marriage could get back on track."

Once again, Tasha shifted backwards to meet Deanna's eyes. "You and Will are having problems?"

She shrugged. "I don't know...you might call it that. We're not fighting or anything, and he's trying. It's just..."

"Just what?" Tasha prompted.

"I can't deal with him," she said finally. "This is affecting him too. He's so upset, and so guilty over that first attack. And I know – I know that's normal. But right now, I can't handle it. I can't bear to see him look at me like that. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I have to hear him apologize one more time. I feel like such a horrible wife, I know he needs help, but –"

"No, Deanna," Tasha interrupted. "You're right about him needing help, but he shouldn't be putting any of his emotional needs on you right now. You are not responsible for him. You need all your energy right now to take care of yourself, and there's nothing wrong with that." She squeezed her friend's shoulder gently. "If it will make you feel better, I'll talk to him. But no matter what comes of that, your first priority needs to be you, okay?"

Deanna's reply was forestalled by the door chime. Startled, she sat up, wiping her face on her sleeve. "Yes?"

As the door hissed open, Tasha realized that she recognized the newcomer. Of course, Jessica Marinette was about the right age to be taking her first posting, but for it to be the Titan seemed a coincidence of cosmic proportions.

Deanna, for her part, hardly seemed surprised at all by the identity of the newcomer. "Ensign. Can I help you?"

She stepped in, letting the door close behind her. "Actually, I was going to ask you that question."

With Tasha's help, Deanna pulled herself to her feet. "I'm sorry. I'm sure what happened in Sickbay has complicated things for you and Doctor Hill."

"Don't worry about it," Jess replied immediately. "Things happen. The reason I'm here is to see if there's a way we might be able to make this easier for you."

For the first time since Tasha had found her crying on the floor, Deanna seemed interested and even hopeful. "Like...what?"

"You tell me. And I don't mean as a counselor," she added quickly. "I mean that you know better than anyone else what your potential triggers are. Why don't you pick one thing to start with, and then we can go from there?"

"One thing..." She considered for only a moment before speaking again. "If it's all right...I'd rather Doctor Hill wasn't involved. Actually, I'd prefer it if no men were involved."

The young doctor nodded understandingly. "An all-female team? Sure, we can do that. What else?"

Deanna was visibly stunned; it was clear she hadn't expected Jess to acquiesce so easily. But as Deanna continued to speak with the young doctor, Tasha was beginning to realize that this wasn't just training. Training had given her the words, there was no doubt about that, but just as Deanna had remarked that Tasha understood, Tasha knew that Jess, too, understood.

"You're welcome to bring your friend with you," Jess was saying, glancing over Deanna's shoulder at Tasha. "If you'd like."

"I – no," Deanna said after a moment. "I think I'd rather do this alone." She turned to Tasha, embracing her friend one more time. "I appreciate all you've done for me. But I don't want anyone to see me that way."

Tasha hugged her back. "It's okay, Deanna, I understand. But if you need someone once it's done...you know where to find me, right?"

She nodded, managing a weak smile. "Thank you, Tasha. For everything."

xxxxxxxxx

"Will?"

The newly-promoted Captain had barely looked up when the door had chimed, but that voice was enough to get his attention. "Tasha!" He grinned, standing up from his desk. "Don't tell me you miss me already."

"Well...maybe a little," she teased, smiling for a moment. "But that's – that's not why I'm here."

The tone in her voice instantly extinguished the joy in his. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"I just came from talking to Deanna. She's fine," Tasha rushed to assure him before he could worry too much. "But I think we need to talk."

"About what?"

"About you. Let's sit down." Tasha indicated a couch that had been placed along one of the ready room walls. "This is going to take some time."

"Me?" He took the seat, but his posture remained rigid with concern. "What about me?"

"You're upset about what's happened."

"Of course I'm upset." As if to reinforce his statement, his right hand had curled tightly into a fist. "So were you, when you found out what happened to her."

"I'm not here to blame you, or to tell you you're wrong," Tasha said gently. "But you need to deal with it, and without involving Deanna."

"Involving her? I'm not –"

"Yes, you are. I know you don't mean to, but you are." She reached for his hand, and he let her take it. "I know you're hurting too, Will. That's why I'm here. You need a support system too. It just shouldn't be Deanna right now."

All at once, the tension drained from his body, and he dropped his face into his free hand. "It's bad enough to see her hurting. But to know that I was a part of causing that hurt, however inadvertently – how can she even stand to look at me?"

"She knows it wasn't your fault."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I just am." She didn't elaborate on the reason for her certainty; she'd never told anyone what Data had nearly done to her while under Lore's influence, and she wasn't going to start now. But another example occurred to her. "She forgave Data for stabbing her when he was having those hallucinations, didn't she? If Deanna says she doesn't blame you, I believe her."

He shook his head slowly. "She barely seems to want to be around me anymore."

"That's not because of what Shinzon did, Will. It's because of what you're doing. She feels like she has to be responsible for your pain, on top of her own, and it's too much for her." She laid her free hand on his shoulder. "She's afraid that your relationship is going to be defined by the assault from now on. You need to show her she's wrong."

"How?"

"Stop making every interaction about what happened. Stop apologizing; she knows you're sorry, bringing it up over and over again is only forcing her to think about it. Talk to her like you used to, before all this happened. You might need to take cues from her in, well, certain matters, but she's still the same Deanna you married. And if you do need to talk about the assault – which I understand – talk to someone that isn't Deanna."

He looked up finally, and she could see the tears that were shimmering in his eyes. "I love her so much, Tasha. Seeing her hurt like this is killing me."

Then something happened that Tasha had never thought she would see. Will Riker began to cry.

After a moment of being frozen in sheer surprise, she pulled him close, letting him rest his head on her shoulder. "It's all right," she soothed. "Let it out. It's okay."

xxxxxxxxx

"I really appreciate all of this, Ensign," Deanna said softly. "I know I didn't make it easy."

Actually, she mused as she finished dressing, that was a massive understatement. Even with everything the young Doctor Marinette and the nurses had gone out of their way to arrange, the exam had been difficult. More than once, she'd found herself coming apart, begging them to stop in the middle of a scan as images of Shinzon flooded her mind. And every time, the procedure had come to an immediate halt, everything on hold until she was able to get control of herself and give them permission to resume.

"You don't have to apologize," the doctor replied. "And you never have to thank me for that. I know that if this were anyone else, you'd be a part of the care team yourself, making sure the patient was as comfortable as possible. I only hope I was approaching the same level."

"You were much more than approaching, Ensign. You're very good. I remember seeing that you'd taken a few classes, but I didn't realize just how much you'd managed to learn."

The blonde ducked her head, blushing slightly at the praise. "I know that in some cases, it's more than medical competence that matters. I just want to be the complete package for my patients."

Deanna hardly needed her empathic senses to realize that there was a lot more depth to that statement than something that might have been picked up in a classroom. The doctor's body language was projecting the same thing. "You do understand."

She nodded. "Not here, but...I'll tell you about it sometime. I probably should, really;you are the ship's counselor, after all, right?"

Deanna's smile was small, but it was genuine. "After the care you've shown me...my doors are always open, Ensign, but especially to you. Anytime. I mean it."

xxxxxxxxx

"Tasha? You okay?"

She turned, giving a reassuring smile to the Chief Engineer. "Yeah. Just thinking. It's not going to be the same, is it?"

He gave a soft chuckle. "You've got that right."

"You know," she said after a moment, keeping her voice pitched low so only Geordi would hear her, "I thought it would feel bizarre when we launched this version of the Enterprise after the D was destroyed. But it didn't. Even though the physical ship around me was different, there was a sense of security and familiarity with knowing that the people who I knew best were still there. Now, it's the same ship, but so many of the people are different. I know we'll get used to it soon enough, but for right now...it feels weird."

"Won't argue with you there," the engineer said with a smile. "But I can tell you one thing. That," he said as he pointed at the first officer's chair, "that is – well, it's about damn time."

Tasha grinned now, her pride in her husband pushing out all other emotions. "You're absolutely right, of course."

The quiet conversation was cut off by Picard, talking to Data but clearly meaning to be heard by the entire bridge. "We're going to be exploring the Denab system. It should be exciting," he added, and the smile on his face reflected that. "It's a place...where no one has gone before."

The End

I am so sorry this took so long. I had a draft of it written up, and then my computer ate it and I had to start it over – at which point, my brain decided to make my short epilogue into anything but.

Picard's last line is from an alternate ending to Nemesis. I gave him the canonical last line in Big Doors, so it seemed fitting to do so here as well.

This chapter references the TNG episode Phantasms, and my own version of Descent.

Don't worry, there's more! Check out my profile page for the first chapter of the next story, Isn't She Lovely, which follows Data and Tasha as they prepare to become parents!

The majority has spoken on my poll, and resoundingly so; I will be retaining the Jadzia/Worf pairing. However, I'm still not sure how I feel about Julian/Jenna, so I may end up changing that a bit – they'll still get a shot, but married...I'm not sure. My main reason for that relationship was because I knew I wasn't going to be using the Ezri storyline and I didn't want him losing out on a chance to find someone to love, but I may end up deciding I'd rather he end up with someone else. (It has actually occurred to me to have him end up with an un-joined Ezri, but I'm not sure yet if I like that idea. I'm also considering a pairing with Sarina, the genetically engineered girl he fell in love with briefly in the series, and I'm open to additonal options.) Stay tuned; feedback is welcome.

Please Review