A/N: So… I finished to read over Chapter 50… :) So here it is, without long rambling since I have to head out right now, but I hope, you're gonna like it… don't hate Lewis all too much, ok? ;-) The whole situation just sucks for everyone right now, but they are on a way to fix things!
Enjoy Chapter 50! (I seriously can't believe it's already chapter 50… wow :D)
Lewis Avery POV:
When Alex wasn't able to take a break or take the rest of the day off - he still had patients after all - Lewis had went back to his office and now he was sitting there, checking some of his possible new patients, even though it was hard for him to concentrate on anything at all.
When he was with Alex, it was way easier for him to shake off any thoughts of Tyler that might come to his mind, but when he was alone - just like right now - they came flooding back and there was no way of turning them off. He couldn't help but think about the moment they were finally together again. The moment when Tyler had entered him and made him complete again. Like the missing part of the puzzle was back.
It hurt to even think about him that way, but deep down in his heart Lewis knew that this was just it. That Tyler was his other half. That only Tyler was able to make him feel like that, even though he didn't want to tolerate this thought. Tyler had hurt him more than anyone else in his life before and Tyler maybe would do it again.
Alex on the other hand made him happy. Alex loved him, and Alex would never hurt him willingly. Alex meant safety and he just needed to concentrate on that. On what he and Alex were having. He just had to get Tyler out of his head, and he would. He managed to do so once and he hadn't thought about him in quite a while before he came here. Once Tyler was back out of his life, out of his sight, everything would go back to normal.
At least Lewis hoped so.
When he heard a knock, Lewis turned to look at the door, letting out a sigh.
"Come in, it's open!" he shouted, but when Tyler appeared in his office, he wanted to take his invitation back immediately.
Clinging to his desk, he took a deep breath before looking up at him.
"What do you want?" he asked coldly, trying to ignore the nervous flutter in his stomach and his quickening heartbeat.
"I need to talk to you!" Tyler replied, moving closer towards the desk and causing Lewis to get up from his chair and taking a few steps backwards until he reached the back wall.
"About what?"
"Relax, Lewis..." Tyler tried to calm him down, pointing to the open door. "Do you really think I would do anything with the door wide open? It's not about that..."
Lewis let out a relieved sigh. "Okay... then what is it?"
"It's about Jackson," Tyler replied. "And I think I messed up big time. He thinks I'm here for you and not for him..."
Confused, Lewis tilted his head. "Why would he think that?"
"Come on, Lewis... don't play stupid..." Tyler gave back. "Even he knows exactly that this thing between us is stronger than you dare to admit."
"Well, he's wrong..." Lewis gave back, even though he could tell there was something else. Something Tyler didn't tell him, but when he attempted to talk again, Arizona and Alex entered the office through the open door, closing it again immediately.
"What are you doing here?" Lewis asked, immediately getting into Alex' personal space and hugging him as if he wanted to proof something.
"Tyler asked us to come and here we are," Arizona replied immediately, looking at the blond guy in front of him. "So what is it?"
Tyler let out a sigh.
"I know you all relied on me, but I have to tell you, I messed up and I broke Jackson's trust."
"Wow!" Alex managed to get out. "You're here not even two days and you've already spoiled your chances with Jackson? Awesome work."
"Hey, stop it!" Lewis stepped in, looking at Alex. "You know that it's pretty hard to get to Jackson anyways, and I'm sure he tried his best."
"Why are you protecting him now, Lewis? I thought he was our best shot, and now he's literally telling us he can't do it." Alex replied, and Lewis could feel the anger rise within Alex' body. And he could see it, because Alex' whole body was tense.
"What happened?" Arizona interrupted, looking at Tyler with so much concern in her eyes, that it tore Lewis apart.
"We... we had a fight... sort of... and he threw me out of his office... and I'm pretty sure he won't let me near him again this soon... but waiting isn't an option, either," Tyler gave back. "We need to do something. Now."
"What do you mean? Do what?" Alex demanded, balling his hands to fists.
"We need to tell the chief," Tyler said, and one look in his eyes told Lewis everything he needed to know. That this was the last thing Tyler wanted to do but possibly the only thing to do anymore after all.
"Are you fucking crazy?" Alex blurted out. "He's gonna lose his job. He's gonna lose everything. Do you think he's going to trust anyone of us ever again if we make him lose his job now?"
"I don't think there is any other way. I'm really sorry, Alex."
"No, you're not!" Alex replied, and before Lewis could react in any way, Alex was already onto him, pressing him against the wall and looking into his eyes with so much anger that it almost scared Lewis. He grabbed Tyler's collar and stared at him. "You're not going to mess his life up even more, okay? If you go to Hunt, I swear, you'll regret it."
Arizona was way too shocked to react and Lewis knew that he had to do something, but for a moment there he felt paralyzed.
"You have no idea what you're talking about," Tyler hissed. "You haven't seen him the last time, but I was there with him every step of the way and don't think it was easy for me to see the man you love falling apart like that. See him suffer and in pain. It tore me apart but it was the right thing to do. And I would do it again, if it's necessary, but right now Jackson doesn't trust me enough to let me get to him again."
"Well... you obviously haven't done your job then. And you most definitely haven't done what we all expected from you," Alex spat. "You're not going to Hunt."
And that was the moment Lewis finally managed to react. He moved towards the two men and grabbed Alex' shoulders, pulling him off Tyler and grabbing his hands.
"Alex, look at me..." he said and it took Alex a couple of seconds to really focus on Lewis.
"I don't want to go to Hunt, either, and I'm sure, neither does Arizona..."
He took one quick look at the blond doctor who finally moved towards Alex, placing a consoling hand on his shoulder.
"I don't," she admitted. "But don't you see it? That's probably the only way for him not to lose his job. He hasn't done anything that could hurt people yet."
"And he would never do something like that," Alex replied.
Lewis nodded. "Not, if he was still the Jackson you know and love, but he isn't. Drugs can do that to you. Drugs change a person completely. He's not who he used to be anymore." He bit his lower lip, fighting back his feelings. "Alex, believe me, this is as hard for me as it is for you. He's my brother, and knowing that most of it is my fault kills me from the inside, but if we tell Hunt now, Jackson can get help, and then he can come back. He wouldn't be the first one to do so..."
"Exactly," Arizona agreed. "Remember when Derek made Webber go to rehab because of his Alcohol problem? And Webber had already made a mistake and operated on a person while he was on the influence of alcohol, even though it got covered up. But we can avoid it coming to that. We can keep ourselves and Jackson from covering something up..."
Alex looked at Lewis and Lewis could literally see that he was fighting with himself. "I doubt going to Hunt will make Jackson go to rehab after all..."
"Maybe not, but it's the first step..." Lewis gently grabbed his face and pulled him close. "I'm gonna fix this, I promise, but we need to be in this together... Okay?"
"Okay..." Alex finally gave in and Lewis kissed him gently, hugging him tight for a moment.
"I promise I won't jump the gun on this... I would say we meet again here tomorrow and then we go to Hunt all together... one person might not be enough to convince Hunt not to fire Jackson immediately, but if we all go and have Jackson's back, it might show him how much we all care..." Lewis said, and Alex nodded.
"Okay... but we'll talk about this again at home..."
"I promise..." Lewis gave back, kissing Alex one last time, before he and Arizona left his office, and he was alone with Tyler. Again.
He turned around and looked out of the window, taking a few deep breathes.
"Give me time until tomorrow, okay? I wanna talk with Jackson one more time."
"You think that's such a good idea?" Tyler asked from behind.
It took Lewis a moment until he was able to turn around and face him. "I need to. This is all my fault and I know it. I need to tell Jackson one last time that I'm sorry and that I love him and that I will do anything to help him."
"I can't keep you from doing this, right?" Tyler asked.
A small smile crossed Lewis lips. "No!"
"Okay... then..." Tyler moved closer, placing both of his hands on Lewis' shoulders and looking into his eyes. "Just try not to make him any more upset, okay?"
Looking back at him, Lewis bit his lower lip, feeling the strong attraction between them all over again.
"I'll do my best..." he whispered, leaning down and leaning his forehead against Tyler's.
"You should go now..."
"Yeah... I know..."
Against his expectations, Tyler really let go of Lewis and turned around. "Let me know how it went..."
"I will," Lewis promised, watching Tyler leave his office, even though a voice inside of him literally screamed for him to hold Tyler back, but he wouldn't. It was the right thing not to, even though all of his heart was craving for him, but there had already happened way too much between them.
Shaking off his thoughts he made his way out of his office too. He needed to talk to Jackson. He at least owed him that much. He owed him to give him one last chance.
Jackson Avery POV:
"So, tell me Jackson" Gary said from the other end of the phone "this New York thing, you're still up for it?"
Jackson was in the middle of lunch, nothing big. A salad and bottle of water. He found that his appetite wasn't as strong as it used to be, but he figured it was always good to put something in your stomach. It was better then passing out in the middle of the O.R.
"I'm thinking about it" Jackson told him "I have to prepare for this huge surgery with Mark and then we'll see"
"Mark" Gary laughed "he wouldn't happen to be the reason for this hesitation I hear in your voice, is he?"
"Of course not" Jackson chuckled "it's just this will be his first surgery back and I just want to make sure it goes as smoothly as possible"
Gary was silent on the other end of the line and it made Jackson feel anxious "You still there?"
"Of course" Gary told him "I was just wondering if this break-up with Mark was maybe a little premature"
"No" Jackson said "I think it was for the best. He needs to focus on making himself better"
"Okay" Gary said "then how about you focus on making yourself better. You've been saying you needed to get away from those people for quite awhile now. I'd even spring for a Broadway show"
That got a hearty laugh out of Jackson "I've seen enough Broadway shows to last me two lifetimes" Jackson said "my granddad is a very enthusiastic fan"
Before Gary could respond he heard someone knock on his door and without waiting for Jackson to respond Lewis walked in.
"Hold on, Gary" Jackson told the man annoyed "What?" he asked Lewis impatiently "I'm busy"
Lewis looked like he was a second away from turning around and leaving "I-I was wondering if you had a minute to talk"
"No"
"Please, Jackson" Lewis begged "it's important"
"And I told you I was busy" Jackson stated. Putting an emphasis on each word "now if you don't mind" and waving his hand towards the door he turned his head away and back towards his desk.
Lewis stood there awkwardly for a minute and just as he turned to leave an idea popped into Jackson's head.
"Wait" he said to Lewis "Gary. I'll call you back, okay?" and after Gary said his goodbyes Jackson hug up the phone and looked at Lewis with a smile.
"What can I help you with?"
Lewis was nervous and it showed in the way he stood with his hands stiff against his side and body rigid "I came here to try, probably in vain, to ask you one more time to try and get help"
"Hmmm" Jackson responded curiously "is that so?"
"Yes" Lewis said "I know what has happened to you over these last few months is my fault and believe me when I say I'll never forgive myself, but I'm trying to make up for it now. Just please give me a chance"
Jackson cocked his head to the side and looked at Lewis as if he was pondering something "Remember that week after mom and grandpa shipped me off to that Paris boarding school?"
"Y-Yes" Lewis told him confused.
"Remember when I called you crying and begging you to talk to them. To convince them to let me come home, not that Mom's place really was home, but it was better than another country where I didn't know a single person" Jackson sat back in his chair.
"You remember what you said to me?"
Jackson could tell Lewis remembered by the appearance of shame in his eyes "What did you say, Lewis?"
"Jackson I-"
"What did you say, Lewis?"
Jackson watched his brother's gaze avoid him "You told me it's what I deserved for letting dad die" his voice was one of cold steel and anger.
"I was young Jackson" Lewis said "I was young and stupid and taking out my anger out on the wrong person"
"I should've realized then" Jackson told him "I should have realized that having you in my life was a bad idea, but I didn't. I kept trying to make you love me, Lewis" Jackson folded his arms atop his desk "I spent the next 15 years of my life thinking that if I could just make you proud of me, if I just took all the abuse you shovelled my way. That one day you would love me like the brother I always wanted you to be"
Jackson could see tears appear in Lewis' eyes and it made him furious. "I'm sorry, Jackson. If I could go back in time and take back every horrible thing I've said and every horrible thing I've ever done to you ,believe me, I would"
"Sure you would" Jackson said unbelievingly "I mean you have two men to try and impress with that Halo you've put above your head"
"What?"
"I saw that little show you and Tyler put on outside" Jackson said "I have to admit I was a bit surprised you two would be so brazen, especially with Alex working right inside"
The look of absolute fear crossed Lewis' face and it caused Jackson to smile "I told Alex you were bad news, but hey, at least I was proven right"
"It's not what you think!" Lewis told him in a panic "Me and Tyler were-"
"You and Tyler were what?" Jackson asked "going over charts, playing cards...because I have to say I have done neither of those things by sticking my tongue down someone's throat"
Lewis remained silent, but Jackson could see his hand shaking.
"You want to hit me, don't you?" Jackson asked "I can see it in your eyes. You may say all these nice words about wanting to build a better relationship, but the second I talk back. The second I don't show you the respect you think you deserve and that old Lewis comes roaring back and all you want to do is put me in my place"
"That's not true"
"Don't bother lying to me, you were never that good at it" Jackson said "I only asked you to stay so I could reach my point"
"What would that be?" Lewis asked.
"I could give a shit what you or Tyler do with one another " Jackson told him "but I do think Alex would find it quite interesting"
"Is that a threat?"
"Not a threat" Jackson smiled "just a warning. I won't breathe a word of this to Alex"
"If?"
"You tell your little group of wanna be saviours to stay off my back" Jackson told him "No more of these heartfelt confessions and talks of wanting to make me better. You make them keep their distance and I will gladly let you continue screwing over Alex to your heart's content"
"Jackson" Lewis pleaded "that thing with Tyler was a mistake and I promise it won't happen again. To tell Alex will do nothing but hurt him"
Shrugging his shoulders Jackson grinned "Then you probably should have thought about that before banging Tyler in an on-call room"
"Please"
"It's not fun, is it Lewis?" Jackson asked "Having your mistakes lorded over your head and forcing you to do things you don't want to. Wait til' the sleepless nights start and you wake up everyday wondering if that's the day you'll lose the most important thing in your life"
"I'm sorry, Jackson" Lewis cried "I truly am"
"Just do what I asked" Jackson told him.
Lewis stood there for a long stretch of time and Jackson knew he was convincing himself that this was the right thing to do. If Lewis Avery was anything it was selfish and when it came to protecting his own interest Lewis would always do that first.
"So, do we have a deal?"
"No" Lewis told him "Go and tell Alex. It's going to hurt like a bitch to loose him, but loosing you is something I could never live with"
"I'm serious Lewis!" Jackson said angrily as he stood "I will tell Alex what you and Tyler did"
"I know you will" Lewis told him "and I'll deal with the fallout, but I mean what I said, Jackson. You are the most important thing in my life right now and I have had those sleepless nights over losing you and I will do whatever I have to in order to save you from yourself"
Jackson could feel his blood boiling. After all these years of wanting to hear those exact words from his brother Lewis was throwing them back in his face in order to prove how much better he was than Jackson.
"Get out of my office" Jackson said through gritted teeth "now"
"Jackson-"
"Now" Jackson warned and slumping his shoulders Lewis turned and headed out of Jackson's office.
Jackson was not going to let Lewis come out of this as the good guy. Not when he had come to Seattle to strip Jackson of everything and succeeded. All Jackson had now was his job and Lewis had long since threatened that also.
It wasn't fair Jackson thought it just wasn't fair
Lewis Avery POV:
Lewis couldn't help the tears that were running down his face, and he was just glad he was completely alone in the hallway right now. That no one was there to see him like that.
Until he heard a familiar voice call his name and turned his back on the other man immediately, taking a few steps in the opposite direction.
He couldn't face Tyler right now. He had messed up. Again. He had tried everything to make Jackson understand that he was more important to Lewis than anything or anyone in the world, but it had been too late. Of course Jackson didn't believe a single word he said and Lewis couldn't even blame him for it.
If it was the other way round he would probably have told himself to go to hell a long time ago, and he wouldn't have been as patient as Jackson was.
He had done everything wrong. Everything was just falling apart and the person in Jackson's office wasn't his brother anymore. He wasn't the person he used to be and Lewis just wanted his brother back. He just didn't know how.
"Lewis, please wait!" Tyler called from behind him, but Lewis just sped up.
"Leave me alone!" he sobbed, but his voice sounded a lot weaker than he intended.
He was glad when he reached his office and entered it, leaning against the wall next to him and sinking to the floor. He pulled his legs close to his body and really started crying. He couldn't be strong anymore. He just had to let it out. It tore him apart from the inside, and he knew he would never forgive himself if he couldn't make Jackson better.
Hell, Jackson could die because of the drugs. Something could happen to him, and then he would never know that Lewis truly regretted what he had done and that he wanted to make it up to him.
Suddenly, he heard the door of his office being shut and mere seconds later there was someone sitting down next to him. He could feel the warmth radiating from the other body. And then there was an arm, snaking around his shoulder and trying to pull his shaking body into an embrace.
At first, Lewis tried to push Tyler away, tried to hesitate by moving away from him, but Tyler wouldn't let him.
"Go away!" he cried, trying to control his tears, but he couldn't.
"You said it yourself..." Tyler replied. "We're in this together and I won't leave you alone right now. You need me."
"No! No, I don't!" Lewis disagreed. "I didn't need you the past five years and I sure as hell don't need you now. Please... why can't you just leave me alone?"
"Because I love you!" Tyler commented matter-of-factly, and hearing him say those words, the words he was longing to hear for the past years, hit him really hard.
"Stop saying such things! Just stop, okay?" he literally screamed, summoning all of his strength and getting out of Tyler's embrace so he could get to his feet.
"But it's the truth." Tyler got to his feet himself and grabbed Lewis' hands, holding them in a tight grip in his own. "I love you and you love me. And I need you right now. Just as much as you need me..."
He let go of Lewis' hands and placed his own at Lewis' cheeks, gently wiping away some of his tears.
"What happened?"
"What do you think?" Lewis blurted out.
"Jackson put a mirror in front of my face and made me see the truth. Made me see how awful I have been to him in all those years. Tyler, he..." Lewis voice broke and there were new tears coming. Tears he didn't want to cry, but he felt like everything was falling apart and he hated it. Especially because it made him see how Jackson must have felt all those years, and all because of him.
"Shhhht..." Tyler said, pulling Lewis in another embrace and this time Lewis didn't fight him. He just sank against Tyler's chest and cried.
"I'm... I'm so sorry that I pulled you into this... Tyler, I'm sorry..." he whispered, burying his face in Tyler's shirt and clinging to him.
"It's okay... I'm here for you... I got you..."
"But it's wrong..." Lewis said after a while, looking up to him and into his eyes. "I have everything Jackson wanted... I took it all away from him. Now in his eyes he doesn't have any friends anymore, he doesn't have Mark and now he's losing his job... and it's all my fault..."
"But you're about to make it up to him, Lewis..." Tyler replied, gently rubbing his back.
"And what if I can't?" Lewis asked with a serious look in his eyes. "He... he just threatened to tell Alex everything if we don't back off."
"He did what?" Tyler asked back in disbelief. "I never thought he would use this against you... against us..."
"What?" Immediately, Lewis took a step back. "You knew that he has seen us?"
"I just found out about it when I talked to him either," Tyler defended himself.
"You should have told me the moment he told you," Lewis said, his whole body still shaking. He felt so weak and powerless all of a sudden and was just glad he didn't have to see a patient anymore today.
"I didn't want to upset you... and... I thought he would keep it to himself... and I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted me to mention it in front of Alex and Arizona," Tyler remarked.
Nodding, Lewis' shoulders sank down.
"Okay..." He took a few steps towards the black leather couch at the other end of the room and sank down on it, leaning back.
"I... I just don't know what to do anymore, Tyler... I... I'm losing him... we're losing him..."
Tyler moved towards him, sitting down next to him and taking one of his hands into his own.
"We've already lost him... all we can do now is try to get him back... to make him see and understand that he's destroying his life." Tyler said, gently stroking the back of Lewis' hand.
It felt so good. Lewis felt so safe and secure, and for a moment there he just wanted to turn back time to a moment when he and Tyler had still been happy.
"Can I?" he asked, pointing into Tyler's lap and with a small smile, Tyler nodded.
Lewis lay down in Tyler's lap and closed his eyes, feeling Tyler's fingers starting to stroke his hair and he just wanted to enjoy for a moment. Allowed himself to feel what he shouldn't feel. He knew it was wrong and he knew he shouldn't do it, but he needed to be with him right now. Only with him. He needed to feel Tyler's presence and Tyler's touches and smell his scent.
"Remember when we were still together and I used to fall asleep in your lap when we were watching TV like that?"
"Of course," Tyler chuckled. "And it always took a lot of me to get you awake again."
"You had your methods..." Lewis opened his eyes, looking up at him. "I... I don't want to loose Jackson... I don't know how to live with myself if something happens to him... he's my brother... and it's like I just realized what I put him through all those years just because I was blinded by my hate and anger..."
"You can make it up to him..." Tyler replied, still stroking Lewis' hair and with the other hand holding Lewis' and making him feel so much better with every second.
"What if it's too late for that? What if he doesn't forgive me?" Lewis let out a sigh. "You know what? I can live with the fact that he maybe will never talk to me again, as long as he's alive and okay... I need him to... to get better... to stop doing the drugs, and to get his friends back. We're all on his side here, but he won't see it... he thinks we're all betraying him..."
Lewis entwined their fingers, bringing their hands to his chest and holding it there.
"I just don't know how we can ever get through to him again, if now he doesn't even trust you anymore..."
"I know you all relied on me, and I'm sorry..." Tyler said, and the guilty look on his face literally killed Lewis.
"No!" he said immediately. "There is nothing you could have done..."
"I don't know about that..." Tyler replied, and then there was silence between them, and they were just there, holding each other, being close to each other.
Lewis just wanted to lay there and never open his eyes again, because then he would have to face reality, and he wasn't ready to do that just yet. It was still wrong to find this kind of comfort in Tyler and not in Alex, but he couldn't change how he felt. He could just take responsibility for his actions and if that was what it took to make Jackson see how much he cared, it was a price he was willing to pay.
Tyler Browning POV:
Tyler had been apprehensive about Lewis talking to Jackson from the moment the man had told Tyler of his plan. He thought it best not to tell Lewis about his own worries of having Jackson and he alone in a room, but he didn't want another argument with the man.
So once Lewis left Tyler waited in his office for 15 minutes before going down and making sure everything was okay.
Tyler knew it would be bad and he knew Jackson was going to be vicious, but seeing Lewis so devastated still ripped his heart apart. Tyler would never be okay with seeing Lewis cry...with seeing him hurt. Something within the man railed against it and Tyler had to make it better...make Lewis better.
Lewis was still too lost in his own emotions to give much protest and once he walked into the man's office and saw Lewis sitting against the wall he wanted to show the man that Tyler was here and he wasn't going anywhere.
He wasn't sure what Jackson had said to Lewis, but whatever it was it had to be absolutely brutal. Lewis was rarely one to show this kind of emotion so publicly. Tyler had seen him like this only a handful of times and it was usually when Tyler had awoken to the sound of Lewis crying silently beside him in bed and Tyler would always turn him around and pull the man into a hug and just let Lewis cry until he fell asleep.
Twice it had been the birthday of Lewis and Jackson's father, once during the anniversary of his death, and once when the family hadn't heard from Jackson in close to a month and the real possibility that his younger brother was dead had caused Lewis to breakdown.
That was why when he heard about the things Lewis had done to Jackson Tyler had been angry, furious even, but that image of Lewis holding him tight as the fear for his brother took control was always there and Tyler knew deep down that Lewis loved his brother more than he was ready to admit.
It was just so unfortunate that now when Lewis was ready to open up to Jackson, to show how much his brother meant to him, it seemed to be too late.
When Lewis had asked Tyler if he had minded if he laid his head on the man's lap Tyler agreed in an instant. It reminded him so much of the way the two used to be before all the complications had started.
Running his hand through Lewis' hair he could feel the man's body relax and Tyler's own sense of anxiousness was dwindling as well.
This was the comfort the two could offer one another. It wasn't always on-call room sex and passionate fights. It was in the moments like these that Tyler missed what he and Lewis used to have most.
Tyler knew Lewis was fighting a war within himself. One look into the man's eyes and Tyler could still see the love coming out of Lewis in waves. His words were saying that he was over Tyler, but his body...his eyes...told a completely different story and Tyler was tired of denying himself the thing that had made Tyler the happiest he had ever been.
"You know what this reminds me of?" Tyler asked Lewis as he wrapped a curl around his index finger and heard Lewis give a satisfied smile as he closed his eyes.
"What?"
"Our third date" Tyler told him "We went to see that Batman movie and it gave you a bad case of vertigo"
"Oh yeah" Lewis laughed "that camera was so jumpy and the screen was so big"
"So I brought you back to my place and we put on the television and I made us some steaks, but you were still feeling dizzy and I told you to lay on my lap"
"I remember" Lewis said as he turned his head and looked up at Tyler "it took the dizziness right away"
"That moment was the moment I knew I was going to fall in love with you" Tyler told him and Lewis's warm smile faded into one of insecurity.
Lifting himself up Lewis smoothed his hair out "Tyler-"
"We shared our first kiss that night" and grabbing Lewis' chin with his two fingers he brought the man's face closer to his own "I was so scared that I was going to fuck it up and you were going to lose my number"
"You've always been a good kisser" Lewis said "a really good one"
"You too" Tyler smiled "those lips were practically made for it" and seeing Lewis look down bashfully Tyler lifted his chin back up and brought their lips together.
It was tentative at first. All cautious exploration, but seeing as Lewis wasn't backing away Tyler brought the man's lower lip into his mouth and sucked on it lightly. Lewis tasted like Tyler had always remembered, sweet with just a hint of something dark and strong underneath that made Tyler addicted to it completely.
Sticking his tongue out he ran it across Lewis' lips and once Lewis opened his mouth to allow access Tyler stuck his tongue in Lewis' mouth and massaged the other man's tongue with his own.
Tyler felt like his whole body was on fire. His skin screamed for Lewis and had been doing so for longer then Tyler cared to admit and now that he had Lewis here it only wanted him more.
Leaning forward Tyler pushed Lewis down on the couch the two sat on and laid down on top of the man. The kiss only grew more intense and feeling Lewis wrap his arms around Tyler's back he grinded his pelvis against Lewis' own.
"Wait. Wait" Lewis said pushing Tyler off of him "I can't"
Pushing off Lewis Tyler shook his head "I'm sorry" Tyler told him "I guess I just got lost in the moment"
Lewis looked shaken up. "You can't keep doing these things, Tyler" Lewis said, but there was not a trace of anger in his voice, just sadness. "I'm with Alex and I promised him that we were going to make this work"
"I know" Tyler told him "I can't seem to stop screwing things up, first Jackson and now you"
This time it was Lewis who grabbed Tyler's face "I told you that you didn't screw anything up with Jackson. He was gone long before you got here and the truth is it was unfair for us to put all that pressure on you"
"I've been there before" Tyler responded "I know how bad it gets and I should have anticipated this reaction and now he won't talk to me"
"It's the drugs" Lewis said "they have a hold on him and all we can do is try our best to snatch him back"
"Tomorrow is going to be hell" Tyler told him "after we all go to Hunt and Jackson has to deal with it he's going to go ballistic"
"We'll take it" Lewis said "every horrible word he says to us we'll take and show him that none of us are going anywhere. We will help him get better and if it means dealing with his anger we will do that"
"You have changed" Tyler smiled "for the first time I really see how much you love him and I think that will get to Jackson eventually"
"I hope so"
Tyler pulled Lewis into a hug and buried his head into Lewis' neck "Thank you"
"No, thank you" Lewis said "I am happy you're here to help us"
"I wouldn't be anywhere else" and the two were staring at one another when a knock sounded at Lewis' door and Alex walked in with a tired smile.
"Hey babe, you ready to head out?" and taking notice of how sombre the two looked he appeared concerned "everything okay?"
Breaking away Lewis shook his head. "Yeah" Lewis told him "I made the mistake of trying to talk to Jackson one last time and it didn't go that well"
The look of sympathy came across Alex's face "I'm sorry, Lewis" and walking over Alex grabbed his hand and pulled the man close to give him a quick kiss on the lips.
Tyler felt a burning white rage of jealousy that he knew he had no right to feel. He thought it best to leave, before he made a horrible scene.
"I'll catch up with you two tomorrow" Tyler said as he headed out of the office and turning around he gave one last look at Lewis who was being hugged by Alex.
Returning his gaze Lewis gave a small smile to Tyler before wrapping arms around Alex and with that Tyler turned and left. Pushing down the pain that had settled into his chest.
Lewis Avery POV:
Lewis felt uncomfortable here in Alex' arms. It was different than with Tyler, and it made him uneasy at that very moment. Maybe because he had almost lost control again. If he hadn't come to his senses... god knows what Alex would have walked into. He was glad he managed to get Tyler off him, though, and even though he would love to blame Tyler for everything, Lewis knew it wouldn't be right. And he knew he had wanted this just as much as Tyler.
"Can we get out of here now?" he asked, once he let go of Alex enough to look into his eyes.
"I can't wait," Alex replied.
Gently, Lewis touched his face, looking deep into his eyes.
"I love you, you know that, right?"
A confused smile appeared on Alex' lips. "Yeah. I know, baby... what's wrong?"
"Nothing," Lewis lied. "It's just... the whole thing with Jackson... and with Tyler being here... it's all a bit much for the moment... but I don't want you to think anything has changed between us just because my ex-boyfriend is here."
"Who also happens to be the love of your life, Lewis... I know that... and I've seen the way you look at him. Don't think I'm stupid," Alex replied, causing Lewis whole body to stiffen.
"What... what do you mean?" he stammered, hearing his blood rush in his ears. Did Alex know anything? Had Jackson already told him about him and Tyler? But if he had, Alex wouldn't be so relaxed, right?
"I mean that I know that a part of you will always love him... and there's nothing wrong with it. You wanted to marry him, and that's something you don't forget just like that... even after five years," Alex said, grabbing both of Lewis' hands and stroking the back of his hands.
"But I trust you, and if you tell me there's nothing going on between the two of you, I believe you. Even though I could understand if you wanted to get back together with him."
Lewis swallowed hard, feeling a flash of pain wash over him. Alex was just too good to be true, and now would be the perfect chance to be honest with Alex. Alex didn't deserve to be lied to, but the fear of losing him was way bigger, and so Lewis just kept quiet and just leaned against him, laying his head on his shoulder.
"I don't..." he said after a couple of seconds. "We... Tyler and me... we're over... he's my past and you're my future. I wanna be with you."
"Okay," Alex gave back, turning back and smiling at him. "He's probably not worth it anyways."
Raising an eyebrow, Lewis looked at him. "What do you wanna say by that? What do you know, Alex?"
Alex let out a sigh, shrugging. "It's probably not my place to tell you, but maybe I was right all along when I assumed this Tyler is back here not only to help Jackson, but to get back together with him."
"What makes you say that?" Lewis wanted to know, already assuming that he wouldn't like the answer, and he was right.
"Back then... before the plane crash... Jackson and I had job interviews in Miami... we wanted to leave Seattle Grace Mercy West for good and start over... but then the crash happened and Jackson realized he wanted to be with Mark..." Alex explained. "Long story short... when we were there, we went to a party the night before we were about the head back to Seattle and Jackson spent the night with someone."
"So?" Lewis asked, his voice shaking, because he had an idea where Alex was going with it, but something within him hoped he was wrong. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"It was a guy... and I'm sure it was Tyler... maybe..." Alex looked at him, biting his lip. "Maybe Tyler got the wrong idea back then and now he is back to go on where they left off..."
"I..." Lewis started, but stopping again immediately, shaking his head to get those thoughts out of his head. He didn't know about that. Not that this was any of his business anyways, but the thought of Tyler and Jackson killed him. He needed to ask Tyler about it, but he didn't want to believe that Tyler had lied to him the whole time. That it was a lie when he had told him that he loved him. It couldn't have been a lie.
"You okay?" Alex asked, pulling him out of his thoughts with his question.
Lewis nodded immediately, putting on a fake smile. "Thanks for telling me about this... I'm gonna find out what this is about tomorrow."
"I can talk to Tyler, if you want..." Alex suggested, but Lewis shook his head immediately.
"No! I have to do that myself... but it's really no big deal, and it's none of my business... I still can't believe that this is the reason Tyler agreed to help us. He's not like that," Lewis defended him.
Alex shrugged. "Okay... if you say so... I just thought it was good if you knew."
"Yes, thank you," Lewis replied, feeling really uncomfortable right now.
"Now this is cleared, can we go home now, please?" Alex asked.
"Yeah, let's get out of here..." Lewis replied immediately, relief washing over him, because it was like Alex had read his thoughts. Leaving the office with him he locked it and left the hospital and getting into his car with Alex. He loved it to be able to leave together with him and come back here in the morning with Alex by his side. It felt good. It felt natural. He was just happy to have him and he wouldn't mess that up again.
He was glad when they were back home at their apartment, and once they were in, Lewis immediately got rid of his shoes and jacket.
"I'm gonna take a shower, okay?" he said, feeling to urge to wash all of Tyler's traces off him, because somehow he still felt them as if they were burned to his skin, and especially with the knowledge that Tyler and Jackson had spent a night together a few months back, he didn't want to think about him any longer.
"Okay..." he heard Alex say and headed to the bathroom.
Immediately, he got rid of his clothes and standing underneath the warm water, he started to relax and feeling better immediately. That was, until he heard the door and only a minute later a naked Alex sneaked inside of the shower, hugging him from behind.
"Hey Babe..." Alex smiled, and started kissing his neck, and it immediately made Lewis feel guilty again. More than guilty.
"Hey..." Lewis replied, turning in his embrace so he could face him and look into his eyes. "What are you doing here?" He forced himself to smile, even though he didn't feel like it at all.
"I thought we could save some water and taking a shower together," Alex grinned, letting his hands slide down Lewis' back and grabbing his butt cheeks. When he pulled Lewis close, Lewis could feel his beginning erection and closed his eyes.
"I... I'm... I'm sorry, Alex... but I can't..." he whispered, looking away and trying to get out of his embrace.
"What's wrong?" Alex asked immediately, gently touching Lewis' shoulders and rubbing them. "Are you okay?"
Lewis shook his head. "No... No I'm not... it was all... too much for me today..." he admitted. "And the thought of having to tell Hunt tomorrow that Jackson is using kills me from the inside... because I know it's my fault... I'm sorry, I can't have sex with you right now..."
He pushed Alex away just enough so he could get out of the shower and take a towel.
He wasn't even out of the door when he felt Alex hug him from behind and hold him close.
"It's okay, Lewis... we don't have to have sex... really..." he gently said and Lewis just leaned into him.
"I'm really sorry," Lewis apologized again, and it definitely wasn't only because of him not being able to have sex with him, but Alex didn't know that.
"Don't be..." Alex turned him around softly and looked in his eyes. "I really understand you... You think this is easy for me? Because I can tell you, it's not... and sex... is just something I know... something I usually do to deal with my problems..."
Lewis leaned against his chest, closing his eyes, trying to find the same comfort he found in Tyler's embrace, but he didn't. Alex was awesome, and understanding and the absolute sweetest guy Lewis could imagine, but he just couldn't let go in his arms. Not like he was able to let go when he was with Tyler.
Why couldn't Tyler just leave him alone and only take care of Jackson? Now they had been close again he felt like an addict on cold-turkey. Tyler was so close and yet he wasn't allowed to touch him, to kiss him, to be with him, but with one kiss and one fuck he had made him feel everything all over again. All the love, all the emotions were back. He had never been addicted to anything, but he felt like he was addicted to Tyler and he was having a relapse right then, not knowing how to ever be in a normal relationship with Alex again with Tyler around the whole time. So close and yet so far away. It was killing him.