Personal Logs of an Above Average Man: Teaser

Author's Note: Please note that due to the Thanksgiving holiday here in the States, Age of Wonder will experience a network preemption for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. AKA, I will be taking a break the ENTIRE next week and will resume posting the Wednesday after Thanksgiving week, which will be in the middle of the episode. Love all of you and your support of the fic! Enjoy the first half of the episode this week!

Stardate 2264.102

Personal Logs: Captain James T. Kirk, Federation Starship: NCC-1701-A: U.S.S Enterprise.

It's been several years since I last left personal logs for myself. But, in light of recent events and the unique situation I find myself in, I've elected to pick up the habit once more. While these records will eventually be provided to Starfleet Command for further scrutiny, at the moment, this is a safe haven for my thoughts.

If someone wants to hear these, they'll have to petition to unseal them. And if something truly is as foul in Starfleet as i think it might be, I don't want to risk tipping them off with my captain's log.

It's been two weeks since my hearing back on Earth, and a little less than a week since we left spacedock and resumed our course back to the deeper reaches of the Alpha Quadrant. Yesterday morning, we rendezvoused with the U.S.S. Moore and picked up Ambassador Prince, as well as my first officer and Lieutenant Uhura.

Listen to me… I don't know how to make a personal log that doesn't sound like a captain's log. But, I guess that's the point. The chair, the captaincy, it's a part of me. I don't exactly know how to turn it off.

Which is why I find myself still replaying every moment leading up to and including that hearing. The fact is, I am… disturbed by Admiral Kent's behavior. Moreover, I'm shocked that he would have still voted to demote me even after we agreed on a mutual strategy. Maybe, he was playing me for a fool. But, that doesn't play right for me. There were a lot of new faces on the board and they didn't see too happy to see me. Top that off with the fact that Admiral Hackett's gone completely dark and I'm getting a real sense that whatever answers I'm looking for, I won't find with direct questions.

But, given that I narrowly avoided a demotion, I have to play my cards carefully. As such, I've given Diana an abundance of space and ordered the Enterprise to cool our collective heels for a simple survey of the Foster Nebula.

By all rights, it's a routine scientific study that will have absolutely no measure of excitement: the exact kind of thing that Starfleet would be happy to see me pick up after Verex III. Since Diana's negotiation on Khitomer went poorly as well, I think it's time I give the crew an opportunity to breathe.

There's a puzzle in front of me right now, but I feel like I'm missing pieces. The worst part is… I know who I want to talk to about all of this, but I don't even know where to start.

Thankfully, Diana has never been one to hold back her opinion.

The nebula was, by all rights, absolutely breathtaking. Jim had the perfect view. With his cup of coffee and a comfortable armchair that faced the viewports, he felt like he was the only person in the galaxy, not just the mess hall. It was early, and while he knew he would be on duty at 0700, sleep had eluded him since they'd arrived to the sector. The emission nebula was a swirling mass of radiant blues and violet hues, but didn't seem to soothe him to relaxation. If anything, he found himself hoping that the crew would find something of interest, even if he had more than enough to think about.

Jim was on his second cup of coffee and his third mental repetition of the hearing, yet he seemed no closer to solving the puzzle.

He grabbed for his datapadd in hand, skimming through the personal log he had been dictating earlier. Given the number of new admirals he'd faced, the fact that of all the people Kent admitted to giving the tiebreaker vote, it was this new Admiral Cale that Jim had never met…

Clearly, the political machinations at Starfleet were not in support of Jim or Diana taking any strong opinion regarding diplomatic relations. He just didn't expect Admiral Conner Kent to be one of them. He'd pushed Diana into the ambassadorial role, pushed Jim to accept Jaylah onto his crew, and yet when the chips were down, he had voted for demotion.

Jim wanted to think that it was a calculated move, but he couldn't see why. Unless… Kent didn't want him close enough to see what was going on.

On top of that, what did the Tal Shiar have to do with this? They couldn't have known that Diana would be the ambassador on Khitomer, but it seemed like everywhere they turned, Romulans appeared.

Jim felt his stomach twist uneasily. He wanted to think the best of the Romulan Star Empire, if such a thing were even possible. They were not Nero. Nero had been them in a possible far flung future. But, he couldn't help but think of how much it hurt to know they had taken his father and Spock's world from them.

He didn't know if he could ever see a Romulan as anything more than a killer.

"Are the answers you seek somewhere in that beautiful tapestry?" Diana was behind him. She must have stepped into the mess hall while he'd been deep in thought, The moment her voice touched his senses, that mass of snakes in his stomach uncoiled and vanished altogether.

Jim sat up a bit straighter, immediately turning to look at her with a quick smile. "I'm afraid not. Nebulas aren't known for their scientific value in manners of espionage and diplomacy. She's certainly a sight to behold, though." He motioned to the chair beside him. "Please, have a seat."

It had been the first time he'd seen her since she'd stepped off of the Moore the day before. He'd been on the bridge, and she had been quite vocal about wanting a shower and some rest. Apparently, and to no one's surprise, the Klingon outpost wasn't known for a surplus of hygienic products.

Clearly, just a sonic shower and a change of clothes had left Diana feeling supremely comfortable in her own skin. She wore a white shirt that hugged her figure and a pair of brown slacks. It reminded him of the sort of thing a vintage explorer would wear. She was practically glowing. Of course, Jim had a feeling that might have been a bit of his own rose-colored view of the ambassador and goddess. If the last few months had taught him anything, it was that Diana defied explanation or description. Jim was rational and scientific about all things…

Except for her.

She took a seat beside him, appreciating the nebula as well. For a moment, Jim was content to simply… exist in the same room as her. When they were like this, companions on the same journey, he felt at peace. The monotony of a day on the Enterprise seemed to vanish, replaced by a feeling of warmth and relaxation. He'd never thought of someone who needed an anchor, or a star to steer by. As a captain, he had to be his own compass. But, Diana certainly made it easier to keep himself steady. She challenged him, he challenged her, and he liked to think they were both better for it.

Even if someone in Starfleet seemed hell bent against it.

"I'm sorry to hear that you couldn't get the Klingons to sign the Accords," He finally said, the regret clear in his voice. He spared a glance over at her, finding her attention still firmly on the starscape ahead of them. She was always watching the galaxy beyond as if every vision was… somehow sacred. Maybe they'd lost that, or he had, at the least. "Was it the outpost? Did we blow our chances before you even arrived?"

Diana sighed and shook her head, "No, although the issue of slavery did come up. Rest assured, if and when I am given the opportunity to resume the talks, that will be non-negotiable. The slave trade must end in the Klingon Empire if they ever wish to truly be seen as allies. And I think, with time, we could convince them of it."

With Spock and Uhura still resting, he didn't know more than the small communication she'd sent back to him while he was on Earth that she, too, missed him and that the Accords were off. It was hard not to bring up the fact that she had missed him as well. How much would they orbit each other before she was ready? Would she ever be? Jim could wait for eternity. He knew he already had… once.

"Then, what happened?" He asked. She turned to look at him, clearly surprised he didn't already know. "I'm not cruel. The three of you hadn't really slept since you left Khitomer. I wasn't going to ask my First Officer for a debriefing when you all needed some rest. I reserve the right to exhaust one person: me." Jim grinned as that drew a chuckle from her.

The chuckle didn't last long, back to the events of the mission brought sobriety back to her expression. "A Romulan spy was on Khitomer. Spock called them Tal Shiar."

Jim sat up a bit more in his seat. The Romulan secret police? The same secret police that would have, for example, given one of their warbirds Federation command codes? "Are you sure?"

"He poisoned himself when it became clear that his disguise as a Klingon had failed. I defeated him in combat." Diana sighed, glancing down at her feet as if they still had greaves, not her suede boots."My boot came away bloody with the emerald of a Romulan. When the crowd recognized the subterfuge, the agent realized he would be questioned and poisoned himself with the same chemical he used on one of the Klingon ambassadors. But, knowing that one of their own had been a Romulan agent…" She shrugged. "The delegation was spooked. They could not agree to anything before they could determine the spread of the infection, as it were."

Jim sat back in his chair a bit, frowning. "They always seem to know what we're up to…" He breathed, half to himself.

"When we were on Delphi, Guinan told me that the Romulans were there for me." Diana's voice was much more vulnerable than he had expected. But, the information was definitely new. And it most definitely put more puzzle pieces in position.

He really didn't like how the puzzle was starting to look.

"The Romulans on Delphi had our command codes. That's exactly the kind of intelligence the Tal Shiar collects." Jim offered, knowing that she would be just as dedicated to unravelling this mystery as he was. "I don't like where this is leading. Someone's getting information on Federation activity before we do it." As she exchanged a pensive glance with him, he considered what else he should tell her. Would she have the same conclusion as he did regarding the admiralty board?

He didn't know where or how to explain that someone she probably saw as a nephew or maybe even stepson might not have her best interests at heart. Certainly not Jim's.

"There was someone else on Khitomer as well, Jim." There was an edge of darkness to her voice that made him more than a little concerned that their worst worries were not the Romulans. He didn't speak, he just watched her until she was ready to continue. "Ares has been drumming up a civil war amongst the Klingons." Jim sat up quickly.

"As in the Ares? You're telling me he's alive and you - why didn't you tell me sooner?" The thought that she'd faced him again made his heart drop into his stomach. The havoc he had wrought in so little time…

But, Diana seemed… non-plussed. Or, at the least, she didn't approach Ares with the same kind of manic fervor she once had. "I found him among the delegates. He claims he has nothing to do with this, but… he is alive and well. And yet again, I'm reminded that even when a god kills another god... " She sighed, lowering her head as he saw her disappointment and sorrow for a moment. "Jim, I am even further from the true purpose of an Amazon. How can I create peace when Ares still sows discord among others?"

Jim's stomach twisted uncomfortably. He couldn't tell her about his suspicions. Not now. He remembered seeing this conflicted only a handful of times, and the last time, she'd been worried she would turn into a power-hungry leech like Apollo. Long before then, she had worried that her entire life was a lie because Ares was not the sole arbiter of humanity's misery.

She had balled her hands into fists as she tried to keep her frustration in check. He reached out and gently ran his fingers against the back of her hand until it relaxed. With all the reverence she deserved, he cautiously slipped his hand into hers, squeezing gently. "Diana, I have no doubt in my mind that if anyone could make this galaxy peaceful, it will be you. You've been living up to the charge of the Amazons. If the Klingons aren't ready now, then I know you've made it possible for them to be ready eventually." When she didn't reply, Jim ducked his head a bit to catch her eye. "You remember the No Man's Land? In Veld? I told you that you couldn't save everyone." He squeezed her hand again. "You proved me wrong. There may be casualties, but we don't have to give them willingly. And no matter what you need, I will back you. Always."

Diana took a long moment to examine his face. He had the impression she was gauging his emotions. But, as her hand reached up to run her fingers along his jawline, he realized he might have been wrong. Maybe, she'd been studying his features because she was gauging her own heart. "I missed hearing that." She said, a slight smile quirking on her lips. "Sometimes, I want to think of the decades to come, and sometimes I can't see past the moment."

Jim's smile lost some of its boyish mirth in place of a more serious and honest affection. She had such a big damn heart. "It's a delicate balance, but I prefer to focus on the moment when it's something I can control. You can't worry about the Klingons thirty years from now."

Diana nodded, then slowly pulled back as if something had struck her. "You're right. Nyota and I had a similar discussion. Spock, too." She smiled a bit. "I've had a lot of time to think lately." WIth ease, she stood from the chair, much to Jim's disappointment and surprise. "I need to go see someone, and I believe you have duty soon. Can we speak after your shift?"

Jim blinked stupidly before he simply shrugged. "I… of course."

She smiled and nodded. "Good. I'll contact you then."

Like usual, Jim found himself staring at the door long after she had walked out of it.

Only instead of mooning over her with a boyish crush, he found himself twisted up with concern.

He'd told her she couldn't worry about things out of her control. If he told her about Kent… He honestly didn't know what she'd do. But, one thing was for sure:

He was in for a penny, in for a pound.

Wherever Diana went, Jim was sure to follow. Even if it broke his heart.