Personal Logs of an Above Average Man: Act III
Whether or not someone liked Jim Kirk's patented wit typically depended upon which side of it they were on. In this case, he had to hope that Jaylah would appreciate it. Otherwise, he would find himself having to issue reprimands on what should have been a completely routine mission.
Scotty had all but promised that she wasn't going to draw that kind of power from the ship, but either he had wildly miscalculated, or she was doing something she shouldn't have been. There was still that lingering suspicion that the cartography lab had lost data because of something else, something a bit more nefarious, but Jim didn't want to think about that until the engineers could piece back the data logs.
The walk to the cargo bay had managed to bleed most of his frustration with his new ensign away. Provide she could promise to stop draining power from all of his auxiliary systems, he'd try to use it as an opportunity to learn about her project. More importantly, he wanted to know why Diana was involved.
Jim paused at the great doors to Cargo Bay 1. Unsurprisingly, they didn't budge. Considering Jaylah had all but said she sealed the doors, he had a feeling he'd have to get creative. He knew there was an entrance via jeffries tube, but he figured he'd play nice first.
Reaching over to the console, he opened a channel into the cargo bay. "Ensign, please tell me why you're trying to break my ship?"
He knew they could hear him, as the comm line immediately filled with some sort of thrumming noise. He figured it was a result of her project, but he couldn't be certain. The fact that Jaylah took entirely too long to answer him suggested that she knew she was in hot water with her new captain.
"I didn't mean to break your house, James T. I will be more careful with it!" Jaylah sounded completely distracted and completely put out by her captain calling her out.
"Fantastic…" Jim muttered under his breath at his ensign's audacity. She was acting as if he was the one who shouldn't be there. Last time he checked, he still had the command bars on his sleeves. He took a moment to lean against the bulkhead and steel himself for what would probably be an ultimately fruitless, if not amusing, conversation. He raised his voice so the comm line would pick it up. "Look, I understand that you're doing some sort of experiment regarding holographic technology. And I'm more than happy to let you do that, since the Ambassador's already asked that you continue, but you need to unseal these doors so I can see what you're doing. You caused a power surge across half the ship."
"No, James T." Jaylah was obstinate and even worse, calm and proud of how obstinate she was. Jim rolled his eyes as she continued. "I will be more careful, but it is a surprise. I will not break your house."
"Jaylah, this is not up for debate, unseal the doors - "
"Jim…" Diana's voice, yet again, seemed to accomplish the task of completely distracting him from his rising temper. He was starting to think she knew that just saying his name like that made him forget why he was annoyed. It was the same tone of voice that negotiated treaties and convinced him to liberate entire colonies. "I understand your concern, but I can assure you Jaylah isolated the issue very quickly and it won't happen again."
He sighed, shaking his head in exasperation. "Really? Funny, I don't remember you getting a degree in advanced holo or standard engineering."
"You are supposed to have faith in your crew, Jim." She replied. He got the distinct impression she was teasing him. "It doesn't matter how much time passes, your complex personality continues to give you more trouble than it should. Just trust her. I do."
A disbelieving, slightly affronted chuckle escaped his lips. "That's… not really an answer, and it doesn't make me feel any better." He knew that he had the command codes to override the doors, but right now, it was more the principle of the thing. And he wasn't sure what annoyed him more: the fact that he desperately hated someone holding a surprise over his head, or the fact that Daina, the one woman in the galaxy he could not say no to without great difficulty was helping Jaylah do so. "Look, if I have to order you to open the doors, I will - "
"I have disconnected all my power couplings and I will call Montgomery Scotty when I start again." Jaylah offered, clearly trying to offer some sort of olive branch. "But, I do not want to ruin the surprise. Montgomery Scotty and I will make sure I do not steal power again. Please, James T. You ask me to trust you. Do the same for me. I promised Diana I could do it. I just need time."
Jim exhaled slowly as he caught the subtle change in her tone. He became quite aware that Jaylah was offering another one of those very precious moments of vulnerability. Whatever she was working on… it was personal and important to Diana. While piquing his curiosity, it also struck him that Jaylah was very determined to extend her skills to the ambassador. Jim knew from experience, in both lives, that Diana brought that out in people. To know that she was doing that with Jaylah, who had spent weeks in captivity and years isolated on Atlamid…
His concern for what they were working on melted away in the face of the potential support and friendship being built on the other side of the doors.
Taking one more deep breath to steel his nerves and remind himself to uncoil some of that tension in his shoulders, he finally replied. "Ok, fine. But, I need you to be more aware of the systems. Reach out to Scotty before you do anything else like that. Understood?"
There was a long pause before Jaylah replied with unbridled excitement. "Understood, James T!"
As he heard the thrumming grow a little louder over the comm line, then fade away, he got the impression from the context clues that Jaylah had gone back to work. But… the line was still open. He smirked as he realized who was probably on the other line. "I'm guessing whatever this surprise is has something to do with our conversation this morning?"
Diana chuckled, clearly impressed that he'd hit home. "Yes. I think Jaylah can help me settle a few things, ease some of our mutual burdens."
He leaned against the bulkhead, arms crossed as if he was listening to a confession through cracks in the doors, not a crystal clear comm line. "Diana, you ease my burdens just by being on this ship. I wouldn't ask you to do any more."
"I appreciate that. But, this is something I need to do. For both of us." She fell silent on the comm line for a moment, then finally offered: "I'll check in with you in an hour or so. Perhaps you should take the opportunity for these quiet moments to go relax, Jim. Cargo Bay 1…. Out."
The line fell silent and Jim found himself smiling at the sealed doors nearby. Even though he knew she couldn't hear him, he couldn't help but mutter: "Yes, your majesty," before pushing off of the wall and trying to figure out where a captain with no adventure and nothing but time would go next.
As it turned out, that meant heading to the Mess Hall. While most captains on starships like the Enterprise dined in their quarters, Jim made it a point to know his crew. To that end, his dining room in his captain's quarters was only very rarely used for dinners with the senior staff and he tried to take most of his meals in the mess hall. It made it easier for his crew to approach him. And while he'd spent much of his time working strange hours in compared to his first shift, he had always managed to find some quiet time here or there. Since Diana had come aboard, he had found that most of that quiet time had been slowly co-opted by the ambassador. Not that he was complaining. He knew how much talking to her eased his mind.
She was busy borrowing his new navigator for a side project she wouldn't tell him about, so he would have to make due without Diana's smile and soft council. He'd have to mull over his mystery of the corrupted and encrypted data logs with a cup of coffee and maybe something a bit more substantial than bland rations from the food synthesizer. The food synthesizer did a fairly good job at mimicking other food, but it never tasted quite like the real thing. It reminded him when his mom had gone on an almond milk diet for about two weeks. Being that they had a dairy farm just down the road, the first time she'd tasted cream top milk again, she'd realized the substitute just wouldn't cut it. As captain, he had the privilege of being able to ask for "real" food whenever he needed. There were vegetables, meats, cheeses and other products in the mess hall stores, but not enough to really sustain the crew for the rigors of deep space.
But, it wasn't in his nature to flaunt the privilege. His crew worked hard, and if he could feed them all steak and baked potatoes every day, he would.
Jim nodded to a couple of passing yeomen on their way to their duty shift before he made his way over to the lieutenant in charge of his mess hall. The galley chef, a broad-shouldered woman with long blonde hair that she kept perfectly pleated into a beehive of braids, turned to face him and grinned in response.
"Captain," Lieutenant Herta Raffert said, grabbing for a towel to wipe off her hands as she gave him her full attention. The woman hailed from Berlin and still held quite the accent, but it was nowhere near as thick as say, Chekov or Scotty. In fact, she reminded him of Diana with a voice that stubbornly clung to the familiar while adapting to the unknown. She was a new addition to the Enterprise-A. He hoped she'd stay. "You're early. I was sure I wouldn't see you for another few hours." As the galley chef, Herta made sure all the foodstuffs for the crew were maintained. She made sure food synthesizers stayed operational, prepared meals for the captain and most importantly, catered any ambassadorial meals when there were delicate negotiations on the ship.
"Actually, I just wanted to let you know I'm going to have rations tonight." He said, careful to keep his voice low and honestly disappointed. She knew how to make everything and he'd have to pass up on it. "I think it's important that I spend some time with my staff. Doesn't seem fair to ask for the strip steak." He gave her a lopsided grin. "I'm sure you understand."
Herta simply shook her head and smiled, not much for small talk. "Of course, captain. Just let me know if you change your mind. I'll bring something up to your quarters whenever you need."
"Thanks." He replied, both in gratitude and farewell, before he turned back to face the mess hall.
There were about twenty crewmen and women in various states of their dinner or breakfasts, depending on their shift. They hadn't noticed him yet, or if they did, they were polite enough to keep to their conversations. Jim had no interest in being the local celebrity on the ship. Not anymore. He had willingly given that title up to Diana the moment she stepped on board and dazzled every member of the crew.
One particular crewman did seem out of place amongst them, but only because he knew for a fact that she was supposed to be on the bridge. Jim grinned, eager to take the opportunity to tease a friend.
"Lieutenant Uhura," He said with an easy smile as he slid into the seat across from her. "Last time I checked, I left you on the bridge."
Uhura glanced up at him over her mug of Vulcan tea, twirling her fork in her other hand as she regarded him. Once she finished her sip, she slowly set her mug down with a smile that bordered on mischevious. Instantly, Jim knew he'd missed something. And she'd be sure to tell him.
"Yes, you did, Captain." She said, almost too casually. "About four hours ago." To punctuate her point, Uhura spun her fork in her hand one more time before stabbing a piece of something unappetizing and bland. She took a bite with more gusto than Jim ever thought he could manage for something actually managed to look less enjoyable than those old processed food cubes from his teen years.
The only reason he didn't take the opportunity to tease her food choice was because he was thrown by her statement. He glanced over at her datapadd, catching the chronometer in the top right corner. He winced, sighing a bit in disappointment and self-reproach. "Wow, really? I thought it was still morning."
She quirked an eyebrow at him in a manner that reminded him - eerily - of both Spock and Diana. That was a level of derision he really didn't need, and it somehow felt like getting it triple-fold. It was as if the other two were somehow on either side of Uhura, also judging him for losing track of time. "I guess that physical took longer than it seemed. Bones must have found Andorian measles or something."
Jim's next smile was a little more strained, determined not to give her the satisfaction of knowing she'd riled him up. "Very funny." He leaned forward, lacing his fingers together and resting his hands on the table. "Actually, I was doing a bit of research about your adventure on Khitomer. Specifically, our constant run-ins with the Romulans."
Uhura paused, her fork midway between the plate and her mouth. "Oh?" She finished her bite only when it became clear he'd let her in on his theory.
"Well, seems weird that ever since we went to Themyscira, the Romulans keep turning up like bad pennies every time something involves Diana." He spotted an unopened bottle of water beside her, then reached forward and took it for himself. To her credit, Uhura just rolled her eyes and silently forfeited ownership. "I mean, they knew to fire on the Temple of Delphi, and that had absolutely no military or tactical value from their perspective. They had no way of knowing what we were doing. I went through the records from our time in orbit around Themyscira and found some similarities between their atmospheric barrier and some Kryptonian place called Kandor. But…" He shrugged as he recalled the ill-timed power surge and encryption. "I've hit a - hopefully - temporary dead end. I think the Romulans were after something, though, and in running into Diana, I'm worried they might think she's more valuable."
"But, Motar didn't know who Diana was when we came to Khitomer," Uhura replied, brow furrowed in confusion. "And he was Tal Shiar. If the Romulan Star Empire was interested in our Wonder Woman, wouldn't the Secret Police be in the know?" Before Jim could reply, she held her hand up to stop him. She had apparently answered her own question. "Oh, no, wait… Spock suggested and Commander Kor confirmed that Motar had been embedded within the Klingon Empire for months, maybe even years. If anything, losing their agent on Khitomer might be seen as an unfortunate side effect. Until Worf and the others make it back to Qo'nos with the information, any Tal Shiar agent that deeply embedded won't know that Diana was the one who bested him."
Jim considered that. "So, then, whoever might have been sending warbirds our way might not have learned about her influence in Federation diplomacy until now. Or, they assumed she wouldn't be a threat." At Uhura's expectant look, he realized that he would either have to clue her into his further suspicions, or leave it alone. He was still missing a big piece in the puzzle, and he didn't think it was one she could answer.
Instead, he changed the subject.
"How was the first half of the trip? Did Diana enjoy New Vulcan?" He took a sip of water, then immediately regretted it. Flavorless. Bland. The exact opposite of a good cup of coffee, or a fifth of scotch.
Uhura, blissfully, provided him the distraction he'd asked for. The smile on her face lost its mischief and instead took on a more tender, wistful note. Clearly, it had been a good trip for her and Spock as well. "Diana found it quite illuminating and interesting, yes. We had to leave her to her own devices for most of the trip for the ritual preparations, which… went about as well as expected."
Jim's eyebrows rose as he noted her sudden nervousness. He leaned a little more forward. "Oh? Trouble in paradise? I thought you guys just had to sign some papers dissolving his betrothal or something."
Uhura cleared her throat. "Not exactly. T'Pring was pleased that the betrothal was to be dissolved, but it was more of a spiritual divorce than a legal one. It does mean that when Spock is ready, then… let's just say there are no more obstacles." He had the distinct impression from the way she suddenly took a double-sized bite and quickly clamped her mouth shut that the subject was a bit more delicate than he thought.
"Woah, what obstacles are we talking about here?" For a moment, Jim let himself get caught up in the simple joys of teasing one of his closest friends. She had known him longer than any of the crew. If he was going to tease anyone about love lives, it had to be the woman he'd drunkenly failed to flirt with and had been a source of constant annoyance for. "C'mon, what, do Vulcans get freaky like Orions or something? Because, having been on the front end of that pheromone stuff, I gotta say - "
Uhura held her hands up. "We are so not talking about this!"
He grinned, deciding to push his luck. "Or maybe they're more like Klingons. I hear the women bite - "
"Jim." She simply scolded, pursing her lips and giving him an icy stare that suggested if he didn't drop the subject, she'd drop that fork into his hand.
He laughed and held his hands up in surrender (and also to save any fleshy bits in range of that fork). "Okay, okay, point taken. I'm just curious. I find it very fascinating."
"The only thing I need you to find fascinating about our marriage are the vows you said you'd write." Uhura chided him, officially closing the subject and steering towards another. At the mention of their vows, Jim immediately came to attention, the smile fading from his lips. "Have you given anymore thought to them?"
He opened his mouth, trying to think quickly. It had been a real honor to be asked by both of them to officiate their legally binding Federation ceremony, but that had been months ago, before Diana had arrived on the ship. It seemed - and was - practically a lifetime ago. "Do you want the real answer or the one that will make you feel better?" He finally asked, trying to play off his sense of guilt.
She frowned at him.
Jim sighed, head drooping. "I know, I'm sorry…" He finally looked back up at her, knowing that he had every opportunity to work on them, but every reason to find some way to stay in Diana's orbit. Even when he was trying not to. "I have been thinking about them and I will absolutely have vows that will even have Spock shedding a tear, but if I'm being honest…" He shrugged. "I kind of figured I was your stand-in until someone like Sarek could step in and do it. I didn't think you'd want me to officiating your ceremony. I honestly thought Spock would demand someone more… Vulcan."
Jim was being honest with her. He'd written a few drafts of the vows in his head, but never bothered to put words to padd once he knew they planned to return to New Vulcan. He was sure that he was not Spock's first choice.
Uhura sighed and set her fork down. This time, she pushed her tray off to the side and reached out, motioning for Jim's hand. Slightly caught off-guard, he leaned forward again so that she could take his hand in both of hers. "Okay, I need you to understand something." His eyes widened a bit, curious and slightly concerned she was about to give him a lecture. "You were the only person Spock wanted to officiate any Federation ceremony. We have a ritual we'll perform on New Vulcan when the time is right, but we wanted to make the commitment to each other in front of our friends, because this crew is our family."
Jim didn't interrupt, even though he was sure some ill-informed crew member would see the close moment and assume something foolish. Instead, he found his eyes watching the way her thumb caressed the back of his palm. It reminded him of the kind of thing his mother used to do when she was trying to comfort him or impart some word of wisdom he'd ignore for the first decades of his life.
"Jim, I know I haven't really said as much before, but…" She squeezed his hand gently. "I see you as a brother. I would go to the galaxy's edge for you. I know Spock feels the same. So, please don't think you're a replacement. In fact, he even suggested you. You were the most logical choice."
Unbidden, a lump had settled somewhere in the back of his throat. He'd spent so much of his life trying to run away from his family, then trying to make up for it, by building a legacy his father had been proud of. Somewhere along the way, he'd gained an extended family that he'd die for. He'd do anything to protect the people he loved. He'd thought it was based out of selflessness, a general love of his crew. But, it had taken meeting Diana for him to realize that his heart was so much more… nuanced than he'd once thought. Her heart was so big, she loved so freely… Steve Trevor had felt a general love for his team and an urge to protect innocent victims from the war. Diana had helped him realize, just being there, that he felt so much more. He could have closer relationships than Steve ever could. And to his surprise, he did.
Not that he could voice any of this. He was lucky enough that his throat would clear when he swallowed, and he thickly just muttered, "Thank you. That means a great deal."
Uhura grinned and slowly released his hands, leaning back a bit so he could take a moment to clear his head. "You're welcome. Now, stop second-guessing it. That's not like you. Normally, you're all over this kind of thing. You love being the Great Officiator. You've officiated like, six weddings and two Andorian unions." She teased, then sobered a bit as she prodded him a little more. "What's going on? And I don't mean about the Romulans. I mean about Diana. I want you to be happy, Jim. You deserve that."
He opened his mouth, then closed it again as he tried to figure out just what to tell her. "I don't even know where to begin…" He finally offered, shrugging a bit as he did so.
"Well, consider it for a moment and then tell me what's on your mind while I get you a cup of coffee." Uhura stood and took her mug. As Jim mulled over what had been gnawing at him, she eventually returned with another cup of tea for herself and a tall mug of coffee for him.
"Thank you…" He said as she took a seat.
Uhura nodded, but kept her focus on him. "So, what's wrong?"
As Jim tried to boil down all of his concerns into a succinct question, he realized that just by being present, she had given him a place to start. "How did you and Spock do this part?" He asked, not really sure how else to phrase it.
"This… part?"
"Vulcans live longer than humans." He clarified. "And I know you and Spock went through a rough patch before we landed on Altamid, but somehow, you two worked it out. You even want to get married. So…" Jim tried to keep his thoughts to the present, not the distant past and its promises of simple breakfasts and newspapers. "How did you make that decision? How did he?"
Uhura reached up to run her finger along her bottom lip, considering his words carefully. He'd seen her do it before in countless briefings. It was how he knew he had her full attention, and that she was determining her next words with the same care she gave translations of delicate alien languages. "It wasn't easy. And the first time, he made the decision for me." She finally said.
Jim thought back to the last year and the limited information Bones had given him about Spock and Uhura's break-up. Surprisingly, the doctor who seemed to love gossiping about the resident Vulcan had been surprisingly tight-lipped. "He ended things, thought it wasn't fair to you?" He offered up as an educated guess.
She nodded, lips quirking as she took another sip of tea before continuing. "He thought that it was his duty to go to New Vulcan, continue the welfare of his species. But, as he eventually came to realize, he had plenty of time to do that. Because, the truth of the matter is that I am here now. I won't always be. So, in a logical way, he would always have more time than me. If he wants to find another mate after I've passed, he'll still be young enough by Vulcan standards to do so. He can still help populate the planet with part-Vulcan children. But even more so…" Uhura sighed some and leaned back, glancing out the viewport to the starscape and the nebula they were surveying. "I pointed out to him that he wasn't even fully Vulcan. And having children with me doesn't mean that they can't also be raised like Vulcans." She smiled, as if sharing a private joke. "He found that a compelling argument and mentioned that it would not be the first time he had been reminded that what makes one Vulcan is not blood, but rather the katra and the unfailing principle of logic."
Jim narrowed his eyes, curious. "Sounds like he speaks from experience."
"He does, but… it's not my story to tell." She added after a moment. "I'm sure he'll tell you about Michael one day. When he's ready to."
He hated knowing that there was another mystery and now a name he didn't recognize, but he could tell she wasn't about to budge on the subject. Just as well, he wanted to focus on the question at hand.
"So, the two of you have just decided that you're fine with it? With your life ending before his and the fact that he'll… have to lose you." Jim finally asked, trying to be as delicate as possible with an indelicate quandary.
Uhura motioned for him to take a sip of his coffee, as if to remind him to shut up and let her keep talking. "The fact is, everything dies, Jim. And everyone dies. When we talked about it, I knew that going in. I couldn't stand the thought that it was somehow better to live the entirety of my life knowing that we could have made something that would outlast us, be greater than us both, but that we didn't because we were both too afraid of the pain of loss." She took a moment, tapping her finger on the table before she finished. "The fact is, when we looked at things logically, Spock could only see what he would lose by holding back: not what he would gain by it. And that was enough."
There was something in the way she said that gave him profound relief. All this time, he'd been worried that he was pushing her, that maybe she would never understand and that it wasn't going to work. He wanted to do what his former self had asked. He wanted to give them more time. But, he didn't know that she would ever take it. Because, at least Spock knew at the end of the day that he would see Uhura again. Everyone died. Except Diana.
"Uhura, I've never felt this intensely about anyone in my life." He finally confessed. "Not even Carol, and I really loved her. But, Diana is…" He exhaled, at a loss for words. "Different. I don't think I'll ever love someone the way I love her. And that's frightening because it happened so fast. Makes me think I never knew what love really was at all."
"Spock said that Steve asked the Olympians to make you for her, right? To be the man he didn't have time to be?" She offered, trying to help him sort through it. "Maybe everyone else was in preparation. So you two could get it right."
"I'd like to think so. And I'd love for her to recognize that, but…" He groaned and swirled his coffee around in his mug as if it held the answers. He realized, belatedly, that he was thinking of tea leaves. "She… doesn't seem to want to let me in. And I'm pretty sure she's finding reasons to avoid me."
Uhura quirked an eyebrow as she reached for her cup of tea. "Why would you think that? Because of this project with Jaylah?"
"No." He quickly said, then wavered. "Maybe." At her skeptical look in response, he held a finger up to clarify. "I'm not entirely sure it's not related."
Uhura shook her head as she set her drink back down. "You are being ridiculous. I'm sure she's not avoiding you, Jim. If anything, it's the opposite."
Immediately, Jim's intuition told him that he'd chosen the right person to talk to about his issues with Diana. Because his communications officer, his best friend, clearly knew something. He sat up. "Hang on, do you know something? Has she been talking to you? About us? I mean, the idea of there being an 'us'?"
Uhura clearly realized she had said just a bit too much. It was enough to get the gossip bloodhound James T. Kirk on the scent, and the only way to lose him would be to remove herself from the conversation. Standing abruptly, she grabbed her tray and mug, starting for the mess drop-off counter. "I didn't say that, and even if she was, I'm not going to betray her confidence."
Jim wasn't so easily dissuaded. He rose and followed after her out of the mess hall, ignoring the gnawing in his stomach as he realized he hadn't eaten in hours. It took him no time to catch up to her in the corridor, even as she kept walking. "Which suggests she did talk to you, because otherwise you would have left it at that and kept eating."
Uhura glanced over at her, but kept her pace brisk and unfaltering. "I can't tell you anything, Jim, it's not for me to tell."
"That's crap and we both know it!" He protested, following her as she reached the turbolift. "Is she coming around? Look, I just want to know if I'm going after a lost cause here. I don't even think that would stop me at this point, but if she's uncomfortable, I will give her all the space she needs."
Uhura turned to face him just as her hand brushed the panel to summon the turbolift. "Jim, I promise you… it's not a lost cause. Just… be patient." She said, smiling and trying to ease his troubles.
"But…" He scowled as the lift doors opened behind her and she stepped backwards into them. He leaned in the doorway, forcing the ship's computer to wait for him to decide if he would go with her or not. "You know I'm the captain, right? I could order you to tell me."
"But, you won't." She simply replied, reaching out to push him back out of the way gently. "Because if you do, I'll tell Diana and that would ruin the surprise."
"Surprise? Wait, what - " Once he stepped away, the doors began to close.
"Bye, Jim!"
"What surprise?" He called, at a loss.
But, it was no use. Uhura was gone and now Jim was more confused than he had been before.
Thankfully, at least his mind was completely off of the Romulans. He was completely focused on Diana.
He had a feeling that wouldn't get him into the Cargo Bay any faster, though.