A/N: First: Sorry it took me so long to post the next chapter, but I've been in Germany for a convention and I was kind of stressed out, and had a lot to do when I came back, so I didn't have time to post…
To the anonymous person who said I should proof read my chapters: I DO! I always read them at least twice before posting, but I'm no native English speaker, so if there are still errors, I'm sorry. I'm out of school for over 15 years, so I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. If it's too hard for you to bear, I'm sorry, but don't read it if you're so annoyed by it… that's all I can say… I'm still going to proof read the story, but I won't be perfect ever and there might always be some errors, since even though I tried, I didn't find someone who was willing to beta-read a story as long as this one. So I gotta do it myself.
Anyways… the people who do enjoy our story: Have fun with Chapter 60! ;-) It's kind of a mile stone chapter because a lot happens!
Alex Karev POV:
Alex Karev first met Jackson Avery 3 days after the Mercy West merger. They both were assigned to zone 3 thanks to the idiotic suggestion of the man himself. Avery had told Owen that it was more efficient and if Owen Hunt was about anything it was efficiency.
"I don't think we've had a chance to meet yet" the curly haired doctor said as he extended a hand towards Alex in greeting "Name's Jackson Avery"
Alex ignored him as he looked down at his chart. Sherry Goreman; Psoriasis
"It's a bit loud in here" Jackson told Alex "I guess you must not have heard me. The name's Jackson Avery"
"I heard you" Alex said "but you won't be long enough for me to care about learning it"
Alex was a dick and he knew it, but his wife had disappeared 48 hours ago and he had absolutely no idea where she was. He really didn't care if this model in scrubs liked him or not.
Dr. Model is what he used to call her.
"Aren't you just a ray of sunshine" Jackson laughed and made his way over to the patient that was located just to Alex's left. This guy irritated Alex immediately, but for some reason he couldn't figure out why.
Alex wanted to do this right. Make it a night that Jackson wouldn't be ashamed of come morning. They both made their way to Alex's old room. The bed was made and his dresser sat neatly by its side. It was too clean to be the way he had left it and Alex pushed away the thought that April had come in and straightened up before she moved in with Meredith and Derek.
April was gone; a part of his past that he could never get back again. It was useless to think about it. It was much better to focus on Jackson. Slender hips and warm skin that accompanied a kiss that had been tenderer than Alex had felt in a long time.
Leaning forward Jackson fell onto the bed and Alex showed no hesitation by collapsing on top of him, his hand firmly on either side of Jackson's head as he leaned his own to the side and kissed him once more. His tongue hesitantly traced Jackson's lips. A request for entrance and when Jackson opened his mouth and Alex invaded it with his tongue it was an acceptance. One that Alex had no idea he needed so much.
He kissed the hollow of Jackson's collarbone before tracing his tongue along the man's neck and Jackson moaned which sent a shock of stimulation straight to Alex's groin.
Sitting up Jackson quickly took off his hoodie before kissing Alex again. It was urgent and for the first time since the two started Alex could see Jackson wanted this just as badly as he did. Left in his white t-shirt Alex pushed the man back down and took his previous position on top of him.
Both men were in jeans; Alex's was black while Jackson's was blue. The fabric felt confining against Alex's ever increasing bulge and when he ground against the man underneath him and felt Jackson's erection he knew his problem wasn't just his alone.
"Alex" Jackson whispered softly as the man started to run his hands underneath his shirt and the way Jackson said it, so wantonly and tender, it made Alex feel...lighter.
"Say it again" Alex whispered in his ear before taking the lobe into his mouth. It was when he ground himself against Jackson once more that the man repeated it.
"Alex"
That was the moment he started to feel the world fade away.
It was the day that Kepner was fired that Alex finally realized why he disliked Avery so much. He was too much like the kind of guy Alex used to be. His quips were too quick and he seemed to have little regard about ruffling the wrong feathers. He was a surgeon and little else seemed to matter. It was probably the reason he had such a thing for Yang. Birds of a feather and all of that bullshit.
That was the first day they had come to blows, but Alex had a feeling it wouldn't be the last.
It was more than that, though. Yes, he had Alex's personality, but his eyes reminded him too much of the wife he had just lost. He was too pretty to be taken seriously in this profession and it only served to make the loss of Izzie that much greater.
Alex hated Avery for reminding him of everything he had lost.
Jackson Avery POV:
Jackson had never imagined he and Alex would end up like this. On the man's worn-in bed and getting closer to doing the thing that was going to alter who they were to one another forever. It was probably Jackson's own lack of hindsight that made him unable to see this coming. If he had witnessed two people who had such emotional highs and lows as he and Alex did Jackson would have told them to either fuck or kill each other, but just get it over with.
Alex was pushing Jackson's shirt higher and higher and lifting his arms he let the man take it off completely. The air bristled against his skin, but the moment Alex traced kisses across his chest the heat was back. It would be a lie for Jackson to say his body wasn't reacting to what Alex was doing.
He was a good looking guy and was a surprisingly good kisser. Jackson had always assumed Alex would kiss how he did most things in life. Rushed and with a secondary mind set. Nothing but an afterthought, but it was soft and almost… afraid and it was Jackson that had to be the aggressor between the two.
He didn't mind, though. It felt nice to feel in charge of something. It had been so long.
Reaching for the hem of Alex's shirt he lifted it up and off and once free of the man Jackson threw it onto the floor as Alex came back down. Jackson laid his hands on the man's hips and he could feel the start of the eventual love handles that Alex would have there. He was hardly a big guy, but Jackson had been used to sleeping with people who made the gym a regular part of their week. Alex was somebody who maintained a healthy body by the daily grinds of life and the extra flesh actually turned Jackson on more than he thought it would.
It was when his hands traced over the small round wound that was on the right side of his body that Jackson took in a small breath.
A bullet wound. It had become easier and easier to forget that day, but Jackson knew that Alex would always have something that made him remember it.
It was two weeks after Seattle Grace reopened that Jackson started to forget that Charles Percy was dead. He had been Jackson's first friend in Seattle and the one who Jackson had told anything about his life. Nothing major of course.
His dad had died when he was a kid.
He had a brother he didn't really get to see that often.
He wanted to be a surgeon because his dad was one.
None of them were lies and they were all close enough to the truth that Jackson didn't feel bad for saying them. He was looking at an X-Ray of a woman who had somehow managed to inhale a condom and now it was stuck in her oesophagus. He heard the door open and swivelled around only fast enough to see the guy walk in.
"Charles" Jackson laughed "look at this"
"What?"
Then he heard a voice that wasn't Charles'. He turned around and saw Alex standing there looking at him utterly confused.
For one brief second it was like losing Charles all over again "N-nothing" Jackson said. "Sorry." He felt embarrassed that he even said Percy's name. Jackson knew he was gone. He had woken up screaming his name enough times to never forget.
The problem was he didn't want to talk to a therapist. He had talked to enough of them after his father's death that the thought of sitting on another couch as a doctor asked him how he really felt was enough to fill him with annoyance.
He only really had April and the girl fell over her own best friend's dead body so she couldn't have Jackson talk about that day. She smiled and moved on. Jackson didn't know her secret, but she had done what none of the others had been able to do. Accept it and try to move forward. Still, it would be nice to not feel so alone in this place.
"I'm here to do an x-ray" Alex said "but if you're not finished..."
"No, I'm done" Jackson told him as he quickly stuffed the x-ray into the envelope "it's all yours"
He was almost at the door when he heard Alex speak again "I'm going to lunch at that pizza place down the street in about an hour. If you're not busy you can tag along"
This time it was Jackson who looked confused.
"If I have to listen to Meredith or Cristina talk about their husbands one more time I'm going to go insane, but if you're busy-"
"No" Jackson said "sounds good"
"Good" Alex smiled and when Jackson turned to leave he was amazed at how much the gesture meant to him.
Alex hands were working on his belt buckle, fingers angling the button free and pulling the zipper down. He reached in through the opening of his boxers and grabbed a hold of Jackson's erection. At the contact Jackson gripped onto Alex's hips tighter and now Alex's kisses were becoming stronger. He was gaining the confidence to let Jackson know what he wanted.
His pumps were slow and it caused Jackson to buck his hips. Alex's fingers were calloused, but the friction felt amazing. His jeans were pulled down to his ankles and Alex kissed Jackson once before moving down his body. He used his tongue to make a curvy trail down the man's torso. When he reached the area just above his groin Alex looked up at him and smiled.
Jackson almost looked away when he saw the emotion behind it. It was not lust or overwhelming attraction, but love and for a second it was almost too intimate for Jackson to stand.
Before he could say anything however Alex took him in. In one move Jackson was all the way down Alex's throat and the feeling was so intense that it made Jackson arch up and gasp. His hands flew to the top of Alex's head and his fingers weaved through the man's hair. Jackson neither pushed nor pulled, but let Alex set the pace.
He chose slow and languid. Drawing back up his shaft and back down again in slow, torturous ways and Jackson could feel himself get harder due to the wet heat that Alex gave him.
He popped Jackson's cock out of his mouth long enough to drag his tongue along it and tongue the slit. It made Jackson's toes curl. He was so good at this and Jackson was more than impressed.
Once back in his mouth Alex increased the pace. It got faster and faster and Jackson was getting too close...too soon. "Alex..." he choked out "you have to slow down I'm..." but the man held his hips tighter and only went faster.
"Alex" Jackson warned a second before he lost all control and came down the man's throat. He could feel Alex's throat flexing as he swallowed everything Jackson had to offer. Jackson couldn't seem to stop himself as one shot turned into three, then turned into five and Alex didn't pull away until he knew Jackson was drained completely.
Once he let Jackson fall from his mouth he moved back up and looked Jackson in the eye. Jackson couldn't help the surprised expression he gave him.
With a smile Alex leaned down and kissed his cheek. "I want you, Jackson" Alex told him "I want every single piece of you that you're willing to give"
Jackson had never seen Alex so emotionally open before and it sent an erotic shiver down his spine. Leaning up he kissed Alex "Everything" he told Alex "you can have everything."
Jackson found Alex sitting on the far end of the rooftop alone drinking a beer. Jackson knew he had fucked up. He had taken out his own issues on Alex. It was not as if he didn't deserve some of the payback Jackson had given him, but not like that and not for that reason.
April was important to him and hearing the careless disregard that Alex had shown her had pissed him off.
Walking up behind him Jackson called his name and Alex turned around like an alley cat being challenged. All wide eyes and defensive stances.
"I just want to talk" Jackson said as he held his hand up.
"I bet" Alex responded sarcastically.
"Look, I came to apologize" Alex's face was already starting to swell and Jackson knew that by tomorrow the bruises were going to be bad "what I did was uncalled for"
He half expected Alex to rush towards him and start wailing on him like Jackson had done. Instead he relaxed his shoulders and turned around to sit again.
"Sit" Alex told him and he figured it was the least he could do. Taking his place beside Alex the two men looked out into the darkened city. It looked like the kind of thing you would see on a postcard. Sparkling lights and endless canvas.
Alex handed him a beer from the stash that sat beside him and opening it up Jackson took a long gulp.
He looked at Alex and saw him wince when he tried to open his mouth to drink.
"Again man; sorry"
Alex looked over at him "I would've done the same thing if some jackass had pulled that shit with Meredith so don't worry about it"
It was kind of amazing how fast Alex was able to move on. Jackson knew the guy's life had been one shitty moment after another and maybe that was it.
Adapt or die.
It was another thing Jackson wished he had. The horrible things from the past weighted on Jackson like a heavy coat.
"April is going to avoid me like the plague so if you want to make it up to me just tell her I'm sorry. She didn't deserve that kind of treatment"
"Will do" Jackson told him and then turning their attention back to the landscape in front of them the two men enjoyed the comfort of the night.
Alex Karev POV:
Alex had two fingers inside of Jackson. He could feel the guy loosening up as he pivoted in and out, his hips moving to Alex's movements. Despite what Jackson pretended, he knew that this was nothing more then a favour to Alex. Something to stop the man from drinking himself into a hospital stay for alcohol poisoning, but now Alex could see Jackson wanted this just as badly as he did.
Alex had made him want this.
Rearing up Alex laid above Jackson and watched him as he made his fingers move faster. His eyes were closed and he was biting his lip. Alex was making him feel these things and the sense of pride he got from it was immeasurable.
Alex had always known Jackson was good looking. No, not good looking; gorgeous. Probably one of the most gorgeous men Alex had ever seen and seeing him on the brink like this only reminded him of that.
Alex could never figure out how he got to make love to people far outside of his range, but he would never pass up the opportunity. Not when he got to look at them at their most vulnerable.
Jackson's hands were undoing Alex's jeans and pushing it, and his boxers, down before Alex even realized it. His ass was bare when Jackson cupped the cheeks and pushed him closer.
The two men made very quick work of removing every piece of clothing left.
Pants, socks, shoes. All were tangled up together on the floor. It was just them and skin.
Alex's cock was rigid and as he kissed Jackson he took his fingers out and moved between the man's legs.
Another whisper of his name and Alex grabbed Jackson's hips to yank him forward. Lifting Jackson's left leg up Alex grabbed hold of his own erection and pushed the tip just to the man's opening.
"Alex, wait just let me-"
"I want you, Jackson" Alex told him "I want to feel all of it. I trust you to keep me safe. Trust me to do the same."
Alex needed Jackson to let him in completely. He had never done this with anyone. The layer of protection had always been there, but for once Alex didn't want it.
Jackson had laid himself bare for Alex and Alex wanted to do the same.
Leaning down Alex kissed him tenderly as he saw the war in Jackson's eyes. He knew how intimate this would be, but if Alex only ever got this chance with Jackson once, he wanted to experience it all.
"Trust me; please"
Jackson nodded his head "I trust you" he said to Alex and it was the final barrier. Alex and Jackson had made it to the other side and Alex knew that no matter what happened after this night the two would always have one another.
Come hell or high water.
Alex eased the head of his cock into Jackson and heard the man catch his breath.
Jackson Avery POV:
Jackson closed his eyes and tried to get accustomed to Alex pushing into him. He was thicker than anyone Jackson had ever been with. Not as long, but the girth more than made up for it. When Alex finally managed to push all the way inside Jackson was filled. It was as if every part of his body could feel Alex and when the man started to thrust it responded by sending every nerve into a spasm.
Alex lifted Jackson's legs and placed them around his waist.
Jackson locked his ankles and started to move his hips as Alex increased the tempo. Alex touched his forehead with Jackson and he could feel the thin sheen of sweat that covered them.
Looking him in the eye Alex gave him another strong kiss and moved his tongue into Jackson's mouth and wrapped Jackson's own in his. Their tongues duelled and when Alex finally broke away he smiled.
"I love you so much"
"I love you too" Jackson responded and arched up again as Alex hit the spot that made his world hazy.
Alex was almost like a jackhammer now. Fucking Jackson so strongly that the bed started to bounce. His skin felt like fire and every movement into the man underneath him stoked it that much more.
It was 25 minutes of this. Alex refused to come until he knew his body would be completely spent. It was becoming increasingly harder to hold back. Jackson was so tight and moved with such talent that his balls felt like they contain enough to last for 3 lifetimes.
"Jackson" Alex whispered "I'm..."
Jackson placed his hand behind Alex's neck and pulled him down for a kiss.
"Do it" Jackson told him "I want you to"
Alex fisted Jackson's cock and started to pump furiously. He wanted to bring Jackson over the edge with him.
It took another 5 minutes before Jackson dug his nails into Alex's back and shot between their bodies. The second time that night, but somehow just as intense as the first.
It was Jackson tightening around his cock that pushed Alex to the point of no return. His balls tightened and he was climaxing. Sending one shot after another into the man and Alex couldn't help the yell that came out of his mouth. It was swallowed quickly by Jackson's kiss.
It would be 7 shots that Alex gave Jackson and once he was completely drained he collapsed on top of the man.
Jackson kissed the top his head and the gesture warmed Alex's heart.
10 minutes of afterglow and Jackson finally left the bed to get wipes from the bathroom. Bringing them back he cleaned himself then Alex off. Reaching for his boxers Jackson put them on and smiled down at Alex.
Something in the back of Jackson's mind felt as if he should feel awkward. Maybe even a bit ashamed about what just happened, but he didn't. Not at all.
Still, he should probably give Alex the space he needed to process.
"I'm going to head out" Jackson said and Alex was up at on his knees in an instant.
"No" he said as he grabbed Jackson around his waist and pulled him close.
"Stay with me; for tonight and in the morning we can shower and get breakfast. Spend some time together before you go and see Owen."
Jackson could tell Alex felt just as unapologetic about all of this is as he did.
"Okay" he told Alex and climbed back into bed with him. He turned around and faced away from the man as Alex wrapped secure arms around him and snuggled up close.
He kissed the back of Jackson's neck and inhaled deep.
"Thank you" he whispered in Jackson's ear.
Jackson gripped his hand tight "Thank you, Alex" he responded "thank you so much"
Then after a few moments of silence the two men drifted off to sleep. The best one they've had in a very long time.
"If we do this it's just for us I want to show you how much I really do love you, but it's only for us"
"Only for us, I promise."
Mark Sloan POV:
It took Mark and Victor about fifteen minutes to drive from the bar to the apartment building Mark lived in, after Mark described Victor the way. When he parked in front of it, Mark felt a slight nervousness rise within him.
"I guess that's it then, huh?" Victor asked, looking at him with those beautiful blue eyes that made Mark forget almost everything else, a feeling he hadn't had in quite a while.
"Yeah... I guess..." Mark replied, feeling his heart beat rapidly in his chest.
"You... you wanna come up for a coffee?" he asked, only realizing a second later what doors he had opened with his question and that this could mean so much else.
He couldn't help but ask himself if that was exactly what he intended without even realizing it himself.
"Coffee would be nice," he heard Victor say and then he turned off the engine and opened the driver's door.
Taking a few deep breaths, Mark opened the passenger door and got out of the car, rounding it, so he was with Victor again.
There was tension between them, and Mark could feel it, and he was sure, Victor could, too.
With shaking fingers Mark pulled out his keys and opened the door to the building before pressing the button for the elevator.
Once they were inside, he watched Victor invading his personal space, feeling one of his hands on his hips.
"God, Mark... you're so fucking sexy... do you have any idea how hard it is for me not to savage you right here, right now?" he asked in a husky voice and then Mark felt his lips on his own.
His eyes fell shut in an instant and he grabbed the younger guy, turned them around and pressed him against the elevator wall. One of his hands was pressed against the wall next to Victor's face, while the other travelled up and down his back restlessly, until it reached his thigh and lifted one of his legs up, so he could have a better access.
He felt Victor rub up against him, hearing the soft moan that escaped his lips.
This was so wrong in so many ways and Mark knew it, but he couldn't help the desire that was getting stronger with every second.
He had been so unhappy the past couple of days and weeks, ever since he and Jackson had broken up, and this was the first time in forever he really wanted someone this bad. And he needed this. And he deserved it. Mark knew he deserved it. He went through hell, and maybe Addison and Derek had been right all along: it was time to get his life back.
Starting out with sex wasn't the right way, though, and Mark was aware of it.
It would only throw him back a couple of years to the time he was picking up random women and sleeping with them. This was nothing different, because he just met Victor.
Before he could give it any more thought, the ringing of the elevator startled them both and Mark immediately let go of Victor. It was like the magic of the moment was gone and suddenly the whole situation felt somehow awkward.
"We're here," he whispered breathlessly, feeling Victor grab his hand and looking down for a moment, before he pulled him out of the elevator and towards his apartment door.
He unlocked the door and went in, and Victor's hand in his own gave him a feeling of safety, even though he didn't know where it came from. It felt nice, though.
He turned on the light and looked at Victor, smiling.
"Here we are... that's my apartment."
A small chuckle left Victor's lips. "I assumed as much, yes..." He let go of Mark's hand and started wandering around in his living room, moving towards the kitchen.
"May I?" he asked, pointing to the light switch.
Immediately, Mark nodded, following him into the kitchen.
"Are you hungry?" he asked once he was behind him and when Victor turned around, there it was again, the erotic tension that had been there before.
"Yes... very..." Victor whispered, placing a hand at the back of Mark's neck and pulling him towards him. "But not for food."
He pressed his lips onto Mark's hungrily and his whole body against Mark's.
Surprised by the sudden movement, Mark stumbled a few steps backwards until he was pressed flat against the fridge, sighing into the kiss.
He grabbed Victor by the waist to pull him even closer, letting his hands trail up and down his spine, until they came to rest on his backside.
"Mark..." Victor mumbled into the kiss, and the tone of his voice turned Mark on more than it should. It felt so good to have another body so close to his own and he had missed this feeling terribly. Having to sleep all alone was the worst thing about not being in a relationship and Mark remembered how often he had laid in bed with his phone in his hands, tempted to call Jackson just to hear his voice, but he never did it. It had been hard, though.
Jackson.
The thought of him seemed to wake up Mark from whatever daze he had been in and he pushed Victor off him immediately, taking a few steps away from him.
His heart pounded in his chest like it wanted to burst and Mark felt like he was just about to cheat on him.
Deep down, Mark knew that he and Jackson were over, that he had every right to sleep with someone else. His mind knew, but his heart didn't. He couldn't do this. He just couldn't have sex with someone he barely knew. He wasn't ready.
Which was a joke itself. Mark Sloan wasn't ready for sex.
He had always been ready for sex. He had always slept around with anyone he could get.
He hated himself for not being able to do this. He hated Jackson for making this kind of a mess out of him. This wasn't him anymore.
"Mark, what's... what's wrong?" Victor's voice reached Mark's ear and he turned around to face him. "Have I... done something wrong?" He looked so vulnerable, almost afraid and that made Mark feel even worse.
Now he hadn't only made the mistake to start something he wasn't ready to end, no, he had pulled Victor into it without mercy.
A nice, attractive guy he actually really liked.
Victor could have done so much better, but Mark had stolen the whole evening. An evening he could have spent with someone who was worth it.
"No... no, you did nothing wrong," Mark finally managed to say, moving towards Victor and looking down on him. "It's me... I'm the problem..."
"What is it?" Victor asked, gently placing a hand on Mark's cheek and even though he probably shouldn't, Mark leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and enjoying it for a moment.
He couldn't even remember when Jackson had been this affectionate to him and he just wanted Victor to hold him, wanted him to understand what he was going through.
"I... I can't do that to you," Mark said when he opened his eyes and looked at Victor again. "I can't use you like that to fulfill my needs."
"But... but you're not... I want this just as much as you do, Mark..." Victor replied, placing his other hand on Mark's other cheek and pulling him down again, so their faces were really close. "You're not using me. After all, I'm the one that picked you up."
A small smile appeared on Mark's lips. "Not exactly... I started talking to you... and I invited you up into my apartment, knowing exactly what could happen."
"I could have said no if I didn't want this," Victor insisted. "And believe me I'm good in saying no. And I can defend myself pretty well. Besides... I kissed you. I made the first move, because the moment you entered that bar I only wanted to kiss you... and get my hands on you... but then we started talking and I noticed that... that you're not only a pretty face, you're also very clever and charming and interesting."
"You know what?" Mark replied, leaning his forehead against Victors. "That's maybe the nicest thing I've heard in a while. And I wish I could give you what you want."
"Why can't you?" Victor asked. "No one has to know. This is just us. Me and you. And it's just sex. I don't expect you to propose to me tomorrow morning."
Mark couldn't help the chuckle that left his lips. "No? Now I'm disappointed."
"I bet you are." Victor joked, getting serious again. "But I mean it. This doesn't have to lead anywhere. Hell, I can even leave afterwards and you'll never see me again."
"What if I don't want to never see you again?" Mark asked, and he meant it.
A smile appeared on Victor's lips. "Well... in this case I can also spend the night with you and we see where it leads us..."
He pulled Mark into a tight hug, and Mark just leaned into it, placing his head onto his shoulder.
For a moment there he enjoyed the hug, and when he started letting go and Victor's cheek touched his, their lips were very close again, and it was hard for Mark, not to kiss him again, but he didn't want to raise a hope within him he wasn't willing or able to fulfill.
"Can we go back to kissing now?" Victor asked, looking at him longingly, and Mark let out a sigh.
"I... I'm sorry... I can't... it's..." He sighed again. "It's complicated."
"You wanna talk about it?" Victor offered, and Mark couldn't help but smiling.
"Really?" he asked.
Victor nodded. "Really. We can just talk."
"You're... you're seriously too good to be true," Mark replied, letting go of Victor completely and turning to the fridge. "Want a beer?"
"Sure," Victor replied, leaning against the counter and when Mark opened two bottles of beer and reached it to him, he leaned against the fridge, looking at him.
"I think I owe you an explanation." he started. "It wasn't okay from me to lead you on like this and then not go through with it."
"It's okay... I guess." Victor said, taking a sip of his beer.
Immediately, Mark shook his head. "No, it's not. Thing is... I am still hung up on someone. He's... he's like the love of my life, and even though I have no idea if I ever see him again, I just can't move on yet."
Looking away, Mark clung to his beer bottle.
"I thought losing Lexie was bad, but losing him is... a thousand times worse."
"Who's Lexie?" Victor asked and only then Mark realized he had talked to him as if he knew him forever, even though he had just met him.
It was strange since he barely knew the guy, but somehow he felt like he could really trust Victor.
"She's my ex-girlfriend. For a while I thought she was the one for me, but somehow we didn't work out. And then a few months ago she died in a plane crash. I tried to save her, I tried so hard, but I... I wasn't strong enough to get her out from under this big part of the plane that was crushing her body."
Biting his lower lip, Mark had to fight back the tears, because the memory of one of the darkest hours of his life was still so fresh and it still hurt like hell.
"I'm... I'm sorry... I read about the crash in the newspapers, and that a few doctors were involved. I didn't know you were one of them," Victor said. He put his beer bottle down on the counter and moved towards Mark, grabbing his free hand. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, it's okay."
"I know I don't have to... but I want to make you understand why this... us... is a mistake..." Mark gave back, feeling slightly better with Victor's fingers stroking the back of his hand.
"The thing is... Me and Jackson... we had a rough past before the plane crash and back then I thought we were over. Before the plane crashed I thought I would never see him again," Mark went on. "But then when I woke up, he was just there. And he saved my life, and we got together and I have never been happier in my whole life. I knew I wanted this guy, and I knew I wanted him forever. I would have done everything for him, no matter what. But things... things became difficult and we started lying to each other. He started lying to me... I don't know why he couldn't just trust me, but in the end we both decided it would be for the best if we break up..."
Mark paused, looking into Victor's eyes and finding solace in them. A solace he needed so much right now.
"Today I know it was the biggest mistake of my life to let him go. And since more than a week he's... he's just gone... we broke up way before that, but at least he was there and I saw him every day. Now he's... he's not even there anymore. I can't even pretend that things might work out in the end, because he's gone and I have no idea if he's ever coming back. Maybe not. Maybe he has already moved on and started a new life."
"You really think that?" Victor asked gently.
Surprised, Mark tilted his head. "What do you mean?"
"I... I don't know this Jackson guy, and it's not on me to judge or anything like that, but if things between you two were this serious... do you really think he would move on within a week? Do you really think he would forget about you within a week?"
It was amazing, how much Victor's words touched Mark, and how accurate every single one of it seemed to be. He didn't even know Jackson and he barely knew Mark.
"Honestly? I don't know," Mark admitted. "I got two text messages from him, but they sounded more like 'move on, I'm not coming back' than 'I love you and I wanna be with you'."
"I bet this whole situation isn't very easy for him either." Victor suggested, causing Mark to smile weakly.
"Probably not. But if he doesn't talk to me, I can't do anything. I don't even know where he is. I just want him back, but... but I can't wait for him forever... I wanna be happy again. Can you understand that?"
"More than you think." Victor replied, and a sad look appeared on his eyes. "Sometimes it's better to let go. But not when you're not ready for it. I know what I'm talking about."
"You do?" Mark asked, knowing it was his turn now to listen to Victor.
"Yeah." Victor said, biting his lower lip.
"I had my fair share of heartbreak, too... There... there was this one guy back then. He was a designer and we were so in love. At least I thought we were. "
"What happened?" Mark asked with a soft voice.
"We had a fight one night... a big one. I would say our biggest. He stormed out and I didn't see him for three days. I was worried sick, because I had heard nothing from him. No phone calls, no message, nothing. I almost thought he had an accident and was dead or something like that," Victor told Mark, and it was amazing how much Mark could relate to him.
"Anyways..." Victor went on. "When he came back we fought again, but he apologized and we made up and I thought everything was fine again. Until two months later. It rang on our door when he was out and there was this woman standing there, telling me that she was pregnant. That she was having my boyfriend's baby. And that he had spent a night with her while he was gone. He didn't tell me a single word of it."
Victor took a few deep breathes. "I didn't even know he was into women, because he always told me he was completely gay. And then he got this woman pregnant. He didn't even deny it when he came home. Instead he left me again. To be with her. Telling me that it wasn't planned but that he fell in love with her."
"I'm... I'm sorry..." Mark murmured, not exactly knowing how to react to Victor's story.
He hadn't lied when he had told him he had been through a lot, too, though.
"You wanna know what the worst part of it was?" Victor asked, looking back up at Mark and there were tears glistening in his eyes.
"That he married her shortly afterwards... and that he didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. I read it in the newspaper. He got married and they had a daughter."
"I'm sorry, Victor," Mark repeated again, pulling the younger man into his arms and holding him close for a moment. "I'm really sorry."
"It's okay." Victor said after a couple of seconds. "It's been a while and I haven't thought about him in quite a while either." He looked up at Mark with a sad smile. "Believe me; it gets better with the time. It might not heal completely... it might not stop hurting completely, but it'll get better."
"I know," Mark agreed. "But I'm glad you understand why I just couldn't... do it... why I couldn't sleep with you."
"I do. I do understand," Victor replied. "Thank you for trusting me so much. Thank you for telling me your story."
"I... I have a feeling like I can trust you," Mark admitted with a smile.
"You can." Victor said, pulling out his wallet and reaching Mark a card. "This is my private number. You can call me any time if you need someone to talk. I'm listening."
"Are you leaving?" Mark asked silently, not knowing if he really wanted Victor to go.
"I think it's for the better... I don't want things to become somehow awkward between us." Victor smiled, standing on his tiptoes and pressing a soft kiss on Mark's cheek.
"You're special, Mark. Don't let anyone tell you anything else, okay?"
Mark smiled back at him, grabbing his hand and pulling him back when he was about to leave the kitchen.
He leaned down, pressing a gentle, tender kiss onto his lips, letting it last longer than necessary. "You too," He whispered into the kiss, holding Victor close for a moment.
"Let's just... take things slow, okay? I like you, and I wanna see you again."
"Me too," Victor replied, and when Mark finally let go of him, he took a step back. "Good night, Mark."
"Good night, Victor."
Mark watched him leave his apartment, staring down at the card still in his hand. He wasn't ready for a new relationship yet, but he couldn't just let Victor walk out of his life again either. Maybe some day he was ready to open up to him and willing to give it a try, and if Victor was willing to wait for him, who knew what could come out of it. Mark was willing to find out.