A/N: I'm SO so sorry. I know it's been FOREVER since I last posted, but there is so much going on in my life right now, that I didn't really have the time to work on this story until this weekend… and it took me the whole weekend to get this part ready to post… but I hope, the length will make up for it at least a little bit. A lot happens in that part and I didn't want to "break apart" that huge thing, so I decided to post it all in one chapter…
We're happy that there are still some people following the story even though there is so much drama and we hope, you don't hate us after the end… ^^"
"Enjoy" Chapter 62 as much as possible!
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Jackson Avery POV:
The plan had been to sneak back into Seattle and sneak back out. Have nobody see him and continue on to New York to start over.
Start fresh.
Alex had thrown a wrench into all of that and 24 hours ago Jackson would have been pissed. Beyond pissed actually, but now... sitting across from the man as they ate their lunch he was thankful. He could leave this place feeling okay… feeling as if not everybody would hate him.
"So what's this plan when you get back to New York?" Alex asked after he took a bite of his sandwich.
"I have a friend there who says he may have some work for me" Jackson responded. He was not sure of what the work actually was, but Caffrey said someone who looked like him could do very well in that line of work.
Jackson told him if it was prostitution he wouldn't have any part of it, but Caffrey had just laughed and said it wasn't anything close to that. So Jackson was willing to give it a shot. It had kept Caffrey in fine suits and with enough money to impress Jackson with the best restaurants in New York. Not that Jackson couldn't afford all that stuff himself. He was a surgeon who knew how to manage his money, but you never turn down a free meal or a night out with a good looking guy.
Jackson looked up at Alex and could see the sadness in the man's eyes. He knew Jackson was leaving, but as the moment etched closer it became a bit harder to accept.
"Why don't you come out for the holidays?" Jackson asked "I can show you the city all lit up for Christmas. It's pretty impressive"
"Really?" and the smile Alex gave him was genuine. He really didn't expect Jackson to hold up his end of the bargain about Alex being able to visit him.
"Of course" Jackson told him "you can come and see that you won't have to worry about me. I'm going to be fine"
"What about the...ya know?"
"I haven't touched it in 3 days" Jackson said "this place just brings the worst out in me and getting away is what I need"
Alex stared at him for a moment and Jackson knew he wanted to say something. He watched Alex take another drink "Jackson-" he started.
"Yeah?"
"I need to tell you something" he looked scared and Jackson wondered if something more was going on in Alex's life than he had let on.
"What is it?" Jackson's concern was all over his face. He wanted Alex to know that he could trust him. That if the man had a problem that needed assistance Jackson would be there. He figured last night should have proven that.
"N-nothing" Alex told him "I'm just glad you're happy. You deserve it"
"So do you" Jackson said "I know you don't really believe it, but you do"
A shrug of his shoulders and Jackson grabbed his hand "I meant what I said last night, Alex" his voice was only loud enough for the man to hear "you have so much to offer and you're going to find that person who is willing to accept it"
"I think I already have, but I made her hate me"
It was the first time that Alex had talked about April since last night and Jackson could tell how much it hurt him.
"She doesn't hate you Alex" Jackson said "she's angry and frustrated, but mostly just tired. She just needs you to fight for her"
"I turned my back on her and then fell in love with someone else before our bed was even cold" Alex's words dripped with regret "the things I said and did to her...why she hasn't cut me off completely before now is a mystery. I was a bastard"
Leaning over the table Jackson gave him a peck on the lips "Stop talking about yourself that way."
Alex smiled at him and there was a hint of a blush on his cheeks.
"I think maybe you needed Lewis. Needed him to get you through and help you reach this place"
"What place?"
"The place where you know April is the one you want" Jackson could see Alex bow his head slightly.
"I still love him, Jackson" Alex said "even after catching him with Tyler I still love him and I don't know how to stop it"
Jackson felt horrible for him. Alex was stuck in a bad place and he needed to know how to get out. How to get past all the feelings that were weighting him down.
"You need to decide where your future lies" Jackson said "if it's Lewis then you go to him and you two figure out a way to make this work" finished the last of his food as he continued "but if it's April you need to fight for her. Make her see that you are that guy she fell in love with and I know April, she's going to take heed. She's all about second chances"
The speech seemed to have an effect on Alex. He was noticeably lighter and happier
"Thank you, Jackson"
"Anytime"
The two men stood and Jackson put money down on the table before heading towards the door with Alex.
The hospital was only 3 blocks away and once the two were out of the diner Jackson turned to face Alex.
"Okay, I'm going to see Owen. So I should be back in about two hours" He was just finishing when he was pulled into a tight hug by Alex and the man returned Jackson's peck on the lips from earlier.
"I love you" he told Jackson.
"Love you too, man" Jackson smiled "now I better get it done and over with. Turning back around he headed to the hospital for the last time. Never seeing Alex look at him until Jackson was completely out of sight.
"Are you sure about this, Avery?" Owen asked as he placed the release contract in front of the doctor "you're such an asset here and I'd hate to lose you"
"I'm very sure, Dr. Hunt" Jackson told him "I don't think I'm no longer an ideal fit for this hospital"
Then there was that look again. Pity.
He hated it so damn much.
"Well, if I can't talk you out of it" Owen said "just know that whenever you're ready a place will be here for you"
Jackson could hear the disappointment in his voice and it made an unexpected feeling of guilt invade his body. Even though this was something Jackson had to do, he still got no pleasure from it.
For better or worse Seattle Grace had matured him in more ways than he could ever possibly name and for that he would be thankful.
It also took more from Jackson than he could ever possibly get back too.
10 minutes later and with papers signed Jackson shook Owen's hand and headed out towards a brave new world.
One without a past that would return to claim every good thing Jackson managed to get. A past without the pain of losing someone you thought you could never live without. A past that would have him dead long before he had a chance to ever truly live.
It was all behind him now.
"Jackson...is that you?" Sasha Mills asked in wonder.
Well, not quite yet.
Turning around Jackson gave her a cheerful smile. "Sasha" he said jubilantly.
The woman hugged him the second she was close enough to reach out her hands and grab him "I've been worried sick about you"
"Sorry" Jackson told her "I didn't mean to make you worried."
In truth, Jackson really did like Sasha. Ever since the woman had started here she and Jackson had worked a majority of cases together. Even in Jackson's worse times at Seattle Grace the nurse had managed to brighten his mood at least a little.
"I guess I can forgive you" she chuckled "since you're back now and we can just pretend you didn't leave me."
There was the guilt again and the reminder that Jackson leaving wouldn't just affect him.
"I'm sorry, Sasha...I just came back to sign my departure papers" he looked away from her in anticipation of her reaction.
"You really can't stay?" she asked and Jackson could hear the sadness in her voice.
"I already found a new position" Jackson didn't want to completely lie to the girl and being vague was a good way to avoid that.
Nodding her head in understanding she grabbed his hand "Take care of yourself" she told him "because if you don't you know I'll find you and kick your ass"
That had made Jackson smile. A real genuine smile.
"I will. I promise."
Sasha ran over to the nurse's desk and scribbling something down on a piece of paper she ran back to Jackson and stuffed the note in his breast pocket "That's my cell. Don't be a stranger, okay?"
"I won't be" and this time it was Jackson who pulled her into a tight hug "I'm going to miss you Sasha"
"I'm going to miss you too" she wiped a tear away once Jackson broke away from their hug and headed for the door. Jackson made it a point not to look back. If he did he may not have had the courage to see his plan through.
Jackson had gotten back to the apartment a little after 6:30. He was running late and should have probably just headed straight to the airport after his meeting with Hunt, but Alex seemed insistent on taking Jackson himself and Jackson owed him at least that much.
Opening the door he saw the living room empty "Alex!" he shouted "we're going to be late"
Seeing the kitchen door open Jackson saw Alex walk out with a solemn look on his face "Come on Alex, my flight is in 90 minutes"
"Jackson...we need to talk"
"Can we do it in the car?" Jackson asked as he walked down the few steps to stand in front of Alex "I'm kinda on a tight schedule"
"It's important" Alex told him and now Jackson knew something was wrong. The man's face seemed to only get more depressed with each passing second.
"What's the matter?"
"Lewis, wait-" Someone said from the kitchen a second before Lewis Avery ran out and stopped just behind Alex.
"He was right" the man said in wonder "I can't believe it"
Jackson felt like he had just been punched in the stomach, but before he could speak Tyler exited the kitchen and stood beside Lewis.
Turning his attention back to Alex he couldn't hide the contempt on his face "How could you do that?" and turning around Jackson broke for the door only to find Eli and a guy that looked unfamiliar blocking it.
Jackson knew what this was in an instant.
"Jackson" the unfamiliar man said "my name is Sheldon-"
"Save it" Jackson sneered.
"Jackson" a new voice said and feeling his heart seize in his chest he turned around to see Mark, Arizona, and...Sheppard's sister?
They were all exiting from the side room.
FUCK
That was the first and only thing Jackson's mind could form.
Mark Sloan POV:
Mark had to admit that he was glad that Amelia was here. He had missed the woman, even though he hadn't seen her much over the past few years but whenever he did, it had always been awesome.
Back then when Derek and he were still students and had hung out literally 24/7 he had seen her almost every day, but times had changed. They were all adults now. Grown ups. With their own lives. Not, that this was a bad thing.
But all of them - including even Addison - had messed up a lot to. Had made a lot of mistakes and that made Mark feel so much better. And it made the mistakes Mark had made easier to bear.
Still, Mark couldn't help asking himself if he could have done anything to prevent Jackson from taking drugs. He couldn't stop blaming himself, even though he hadn't known about it, but he should have. He had been Jackson's boyfriend after all. He should have been so much more observant, and maybe - just maybe - he could have kept Jackson from running away from his problems. Running away from him. How could he have been so blind?
"Hey..." Amelia's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.
"You don't have to listen to me, if you're not interested in what I'm telling you, but then you could at least have the decency to tell me to just shut up!"
A laugh left Mark's lips.
"No, that's seriously not it. Sorry," he apologized, smiling at her. "I'm just... really nervous..."
"Because of Jackson?" Amelia asked sympathetically.
Nodding, Mark let out a sigh. "I... I just don't know what to expect..." he admitted. "I mean... it's been just over a week, but... but he left me without really saying good-bye... without giving me the chance to do anything... I... I have no fucking clue how to deal with him anymore, even though that sounds really stupid."
"No, it doesn't!" Amelia replied. "You love him and he left you. That's a hard thing to deal with. And now he comes back into your life just like that."
"And not even voluntarily... if it was for him to decide, he wouldn't have come back at all... he would have just disappeared... for the first time in my life I have quite an idea what Alex must have gone through," Mark replied.
Amelia tilted her head. "You mean because of Stevens? His Ex-wife? Addison told me about her."
Mark nodded. "Yeah... she didn't take drugs or anything like that, but she left him. Just like that. With a simple note. They were married and she just disappeared from his life. To go through something like that is horrible."
He sighed again, looking directly into Amelia's eyes. "By the way... I hope it wasn't too much of a shock to find out about me and Jackson... I mean... the kind of relationship we were having."
A small smile crossed Amelia's lips.
"Come on, Mark... as long as I've known you you've fucked everything that wasn't fast enough to get away from you. Even me."
Mark let out a laugh. "Now that's charming. Thank you very much." He leaned forward a little, so he didn't have to talk all too loud. "You did enjoy our little encounter, though, didn't you?"
"Well... maybe I'm just a good actress." Amelia teased.
"Or maybe..." Mark whispered. "…maybe I was just that good."
"A little over-self-confident, aren't we?" Amelia grinned.
"I didn't get any complaints so far, so I don't think I'm doing all too much wrong..." Mark gave back, leaning back again. "But in all seriousness; I've never fucked guys, so that must have been quite a surprise for you."
"Not that much. And Love is Love. Love knows no gender... or age... or race. I don't care who someone loves, if the person is happy. Especially if it's someone I care for," Amelia said.
Smiling, Mark shook his head. "You're seriously one of the most awesome persons I've ever met." He grabbed her hand and held onto it for a few seconds. "Thank you for being here."
"You're welcome. Seriously, Mark. I'm glad I can help. At least I hope, I can, but as I said, I'm the only one who can relate to what Jackson is going through. Maybe I can get through to him."
"I hope so." Mark replied, and he really did. He had no idea how he would survive this day and he was more than just a little afraid what might happen between them. He just hoped it wouldn't be as bad as he feared and in the end, Jackson would decide to stay. For him.
Mark was standing in one of the empty rooms of Alex', April's and Jackson's old apartment, alongside Amelia and Arizona. It was hard for him to be here and he had no idea what would happen tonight.
His heart was literally hammering in his chest and he feared it would break it open any second if he couldn't control it soon.
Running up and down, he tried to calm himself down, and he only stopped when Arizona decided it was time to speak.
"Mark, stop it! You're driving me crazy!"
"I'm... I'm sorry... I just..." he started, feeling Arizona's hands on his arms.
"I know." she said calmly, rubbing his shoulders and making him look at her. "I know, Mark. And I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this, since I know it's partly my fault."
Biting his lower lip, Mark looked at her. "Do... do you think we can start over? I... I miss you. I miss our friendship and you...you're one of Sofia's mothers after all. I... I can't stand not to talk to you."
A smile appeared on Arizona's lips. "Really?" She apparently didn't expect Mark to say that, judging by the surprised look on her face.
"Yeah... really. I'm... I'm so sick of all the fighting, and tonight we have to... we have to stick together. It's gonna be hard enough as it is and I... I need you there by my side," Mark admitted.
Arizona pulled him in his arms and held onto him very tight.
"I'll be there... I'll always be there for you," she promised. "And I'm really so sorry for everything."
Mark closed his eyes and inhaled her scent, just enjoying this moment for a second. At least until he heard the door and knew that Jackson was arriving.
Immediately, he felt his pulse rising again and he let go of Arizona.
"I... I'm scared..." he whispered, feeling Arizona, grabbing one of his hands and Amelia taking the other.
"We'll get through this." Amelia promised. "It's gonna be okay... we just have to make Jackson see how many people love him. He will need especially you, Mark."
They kept silence for a couple of seconds until they heard Jackson speak. And then Alex. And then there was the voice of Lewis and Sheldon, and Mark just couldn't stay inside of the room any longer.
He let go of Amelia's and Arizona's hands and literally ran out of the room.
"Jackson!" he said, causing the man to turn around and look at him.
He didn't even notice Amelia and Arizona coming after him, because he was so focused on Jackson.
Taking a step towards Jackson, he bit his lower lip, feeling his eyes starting to burn, but no, he wouldn't cry right now. He forced the tears back, but the pain in his heart was almost unbearable.
"You... you're really here..." he said brokenly.
"I can't believe it's true... you... you're here..."
"Mark..." It was just one word that came over Jackson's lips, and Mark could tell how shocked he was to see all of them, but especially him. He could barely look at him, and somehow it made Mark angry.
"That... that's all you have to say?" he asked, trying to keep himself as calm as possible, but it was definitely easier said than done.
"You just... disappear on me without saying good-bye and you didn't even bother to call me? And now you thought you could just come back only to vanish again?"
He didn't want to be this mad, but he couldn't help it. The words were just coming out of his mouth, unable to be held back.
"Why didn't you talk to me? Why couldn't you trust me, Jackson? I thought we had something special, but I obviously was wrong, because you didn't give a damn what happened to me, or if this... you disappearing would break me. And you wanna know what's worst?"
Shaking his head for a second or two, Mark looked at Jackson again.
"That I still love you... and that I think this is on me. That I did something wrong. That I think that I have failed you. That I should have seen that you needed me, but didn't... so please... say something... anything. Please..."
He felt like all his energy had left his body once he was finished, he leaned against the wall behind him and just took a few deep breathes, because he felt so weak all of a sudden. He had no idea how to survive this evening, especially because this was just the beginning, but somehow he would have to.
Jackson Avery POV:
He should have followed his gut. Jackson should have seen it coming and the moment Alex had caught him in the apartment he should have ran and never looked back.
Now he was trapped. Trapped and forced to deal with people he had no plans of ever seeing again.
Forced to deal with Mark and all the anger Jackson left him with.
"That I still love you... and that I think this is on me. That I did something wrong. That I think that I have failed you. That I should have seen that you needed me, but didn't... so please... say something... anything. Please..."
Jackson hated a scene... having everyone know his business and judging him for it. He hated feeling so exposed and Mark saying this to him was doing exactly that.
"I need to go" Jackson told him "I have a plane to catch"
The look on Mark's face made Jackson turn away. It was full of anger and utter shock.
"What?"
"Dr. Avery" Sheldon said as he walked up to the young man "I know we don't know one another very well, but-"
"You've said all you needed to say" Jackson turned to look at the man "you're right, though. You don't know me and therefore would do well to keep your opinions to yourself"
Jackson knew the man didn't deserve the vitriol he was getting, but the shame and anger was welling up inside of him and protecting himself was all he knew.
"He's only trying to help you, Jackson" Amelia said as she walked from behind Mark "that's what we all want"
"Thanks...Abigail, is it?" Jackson voiced even though he knew the woman's name "we've met each other once so I really don't know why you're in my apartment"
"Our apartment" Alex interjected "and she's here because we asked her to be. To help you"
He could feel everyone's eyes on him. Just waiting to chime in and say in what astounding way Jackson had disappointed them.
"I was kind to you" Jackson stared straight at Alex and wanted the man to know just how much he despised him for this "that was my mistake"
"Jackson" Arizona said "did you really expect Alex to just let you walk back out of our lives and continue on this destructive path?" her voice was firm, but Jackson could hear the twinge of fear that lay just underneath.
"Tell you what?" Jackson said "why don't you all spend the next 5 minutes getting everything off your chest so I can get the hell out of here, huh?"
Looking around he saw nobody was willing to speak up "Not a word? Fine" and then turning around he was met with Eli blocking him once again.
"I remember the first time I saw you" Eli said "I think I was actually the first one to speak to you. You had nearly knocked Yang over and you met Percy in the lobby. I told you to slow down before you knocked somebody over and you apologized with the biggest smile on your face" Eli crossed his arms over his chest "so many residents would snarl or roll their eyes, but you actually apologized and I thought that at least there was one who had been raised right"
The words were affecting Jackson more than he wanted to show, but if he started to crack now it would only give them all the opening they needed.
"You were wrong" Jackson told him "why don't you ask Lewis. I'm sure he'll tell you that I was a mistake from the moment I was born. Now excuse me" and pushing Eli to the side he was about to reach the door.
"That's not fair" Lewis finally spoke "I have done nothing but try to get you to understand how sorry I am. I know the things I've done-"
"Oh shut the hell up" Jackson shouted "a few months of apologies doesn't nearly make up for the things you've put me through" he was furious now "why don't you tell everyone about the night you got your best friend to trick me into meeting you?"
Jackson practically sprinted the distance between he and Lewis "Tell them what you told me"
"Jackson" Lewis was terrified and hearing it made Jackson smile.
"You said you were going to ruin my life" Jackson eyed his brother with contempt "told me I didn't deserve anything I had and now that you've finally done that you want to come out all squeaky clean?"
"Of course not" Lewis responded "I know what I've done and I'll pay the price for that, but I'm not going to stand by and watch you make the same mistake our dad did"
Jackson's hand was around Lewis' collar and he pulled the man close "You don't get to talk about him. Not ever"
"He was my father too" Lewis said "I had to deal with losing him either"
Jackson wanted to hurt him and hurt him bad. He could feel it course through every bone in his body. And if Lewis was going to humiliate him like this then Jackson felt the least he could do was return the favour.
"I bet you can count on one hand the amount of times you and my father spent together" Jackson said to Lewis "and you know deep down that it was always an obligation to him"
"Th-That's not true" Lewis said and his voice cracked ever so slightly. Hearing the room go into a forced hushed Jackson figured if he was going to be the bad guy in this scenario he might as well play it for all it was worth.
"Of course it is" Jackson laughed "why do you think he never invited you to stay with us in Georgia?" Jackson asked "why all he did for your birthday was send you a gift that I had to pick out? He didn't have time for you, Lewis. When he and mom got divorced he grabbed me and we never looked back. He had nothing left there that he loved"
Lewis's hands were around his neck "Shut up!" he yelled in Jackson's face as the group rushed to the two brothers and tried to separate them.
It took some effort, but between Tyler, Alex, and Mark they managed to extract them.
"He did love me" Lewis said and Jackson could see the tears in his eyes "he did"
"You keep telling yourself that" Jackson responded "but we both know the truth"
Looking around he could see the faces of everyone looking at him. Shocked beyond reason and they would let him leave now. After that display nobody would want to be around him.
They were huddled around Lewis as Tyler and Alex tried to calm him down and just as he was about to reach the door he heard Mark yell his name.
"Where in the hell do you think you're going?"
"I think we said all we needed to say" Jackson just wanted out. Why was it such a difficult request?
"No" Mark said "you are going to stay here and listen to us, all of us. You owe us that" he was pure anger and Jackson knew that he had crossed a line that he probably shouldn't have "you owe me that"
Jackson could feel his hand on the knob, but it seemed unwilling to turn.
He knew Mark was right. For the past six months he had put the man through hell. Nothing but lies, cheating, and abandonment. He had made Mark doubt everything about himself and in the end Jackson had put his own selfishness above what was best for the man he loved.
He did owe Mark and listening was the least he could do.
It still didn't mean he had to like it.
"Whatever" Jackson said as he turned and looked at the crowd; at Mark.
"Make it fast. I don't have all night"
Mark Sloan POV:
Mark was shocked, to say at least, by the way Jackson treated Lewis. Yes, he could imagine that Jackson was mad at him, and Lewis wasn't a good guy. Not in his eyes, either, but Mark still thought he didn't deserve to be treated like this, because somehow he believed Lewis when he said that he wanted to make it up to Jackson.
There was so much hate and anger between the two brothers and Mark still couldn't believe that he didn't see it the first time he met them together.
That he didn't see how scared and intimidated Jackson had been by Lewis.
He had made so many mistakes. He should have seen that Jackson needed him. He should have done something. He should have asked more questions, but to him they had been just two brothers. A normal family.
Normal seemed to be not really a possibility in this hospital, though.
Almost everyone he knew or was close to had a broken family, and it shouldn't have been a surprise, that Jackson's family wasn't what it appeared to be, either. At least not on the inside.
Jackson had every right to be angry with him, but that didn't make Mark's own anger disappear completely.
Still, he decided that it was for the best to swallow it down, because fighting with Jackson right now, would just drive him away further and further and that was something Mark wanted to avoid.
"Make it fast. I don't have all night"
Taking a deep breath, Mark looked at Jackson, thinking about everything for a moment. He knew Jackson expected anger towards him. And that he was prepared to hear allegations, so Mark decided to take another route, hoping it would help somehow. That it would show Jackson how much he still meant to him.
"Jackson... you know I love you... I've said it a dozen times and I still mean it. I would do anything for you. Everything. I know I messed up by not really listening to you. By not seeing how much pain Lewis' appearance had caused you, and I will never forgive myself for that..."
He took a step towards Jackson and he could tell that Jackson felt cornered by it, maybe even threatened, so he just stood there, looking at him.
"I know what you're trying to do here, Jackson," he said. "You're trying to hurt us all, so we all hate you and you can leave like that, but you know what? I'm never gonna hate you. Hurt me as much as you want, be as nasty as you want, I love you and I always will. And I know that I deserve to be treated like that, because I know that I wasn't the boyfriend you deserved."
Leaning against the wall next to him for support, he kept staring at Jackson.
"Maybe I even deserved to be left by you like that. Maybe in your eyes I'm a bad person. I just wish you would have talked to me, you know? I wish we could have found a solution together, but obviously I did something completely wrong, if you didn't feel like you could trust me."
"You didn't even notice how bad off I was, and how uncomfortable I felt whenever Michael was nearby. So yes, you are a bad person and an even worse boyfriend. I should have never started something with you. I should have gone to Miami when I had the chance to," Jackson blurted out.
Mark knew that it wasn't him speaking. That it probably was his anger, the drugs, whatever, but still every single word hurt like a stab with a knife. A stab directly into his heart, and again he had to fight back the tears. He was stronger than that. He had to be stronger than that.
Some of the things Jackson had said were most likely true, though.
"I know I am. And you're right," Mark simply said, noticing the surprised look on Jackson's face.
Most likely he hadn't expected this answer. Most likely he had expected him to fight back, but Mark was so sick of fighting back.
"You know what? Everyone would be better off without you," Jackson said and even though it pained Mark to hear those words, he couldn't not hear the light tremble in Jackson's words, showing him that he really only verbally hit him to hurt him. To make Mark despise him.
"I know what you're trying here, but it's not working," Mark stated, trying to keep himself in control and not giving in to the feelings that threatened to overwhelm him.
"I love you. I. love. you." he repeatedly said, their eyes meeting.
"I know I probably shouldn't, but I do, and I won't give up on you like that. I shouldn't have given up on you the first time, but I won't make this mistake again. Ever."
"I don't love you!" Jackson blurted out. "So stop saying all those things. I don't wanna hear them."
"I know you don't," Mark replied. "And that's why I won't stop until you've heard everything. I need to tell you a story, Jackson."
Again, he moved a step towards his former boyfriend, but he still wasn't quite reachable, and he didn't want to be, either, because he was afraid Jackson might just leave if he moved too close too soon.
"I was out yesterday... with Addison and Derek... I didn't want to, but they literally dragged me into this bar... and then I met this guy... and I even had fun with him. We drank something, we talked, we laughed, and we even danced. He was beautiful and at least ten years younger than me, and still he seemed to be interested in me. He had the most amazing blue eyes and whenever he smiled, the room lit up for me. I hadn't felt this good in quite a while. Ever since we broke up."
"So?" Jackson asked. "Why are you telling me this? To make me see that you could have anyone you wanted? Thank you very much, but I know that, I don't need any confirmation. You have always been good with words, Mark, or I would have never fallen for you."
"I'm telling you this to make you understand how I feel. Maybe you don't care how I feel anymore, but you owe me to listen to me right now, whether you like it or not," Mark gave back.
"The funny thing is... when we almost kissed the first time, I had to think about you. And I had to think about the fact that I don't deserve ay of this. That I don't deserve him. Still, I took him home with me, and he wanted me. God, he wanted me so bad, and I wanted him, too. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't move on from you, because you're all I think about, even when I'm with a guy like him. Even in a moment like that it's you who comes to my mind."
Mark let out a heavy sigh.
"I... I could have moved on with him. And you know what? I even considered it. I considered calling him and going on dates with him to get to know him better, but now I can't, because you're back and once again I get reminded that no matter what happens, there will never be another Jackson for me. I could never love someone the way I love you."
"Then stop loving me," Jackson said, causing Mark to let out a chuckle.
"Yeah, right. Because things work that easy. Good for you, if you're able to just switch off your feelings. Good for you that you don't care about me anymore at all, but I'm not made of stone, I'm a man with feelings and I can't let you go again just like this."
He took a deep breath, yet again trying to calm himself down.
"Don't you see what the drugs have turned you into? That's not you anymore, Jackson. That's not the man I fell in love with."
"Maybe it is and you've been delusional. You know what? I think I might have never loved you at all. I was charmed by your words and actions and after all, you're hot, but you're not that great."
Again, Jackson's words cut like a knife and Mark just couldn't bear it any longer. And he wasn't strong enough to hold back the tears anymore.
"Okay. If you feel that way, then there's nothing left for me to say," he said brokenly, turning around and covering his eyes with one of his hands.
He hadn't planned on letting Jackson get him that way, but right now he couldn't do anything about it. It just hurt and it had hurt the whole time he was talking to Jackson. He just wasn't able to deal with it anymore, and he couldn't stand to look at Jackson anymore. Maybe he had really lost him. Maybe it was time for him to realize that they weren't meant for each other, like he hoped. The thought killed him, but there was nothing he could do right now. He just wanted to leave. Wanted to get out of here, but he owed the others to stay and make it through somehow.
When he looked at Lewis he could see the same pain in his eyes he, himself, was feeling and somehow it made him feel better. That he wasn't alone in this.
No matter what he thought about the other guy, he was in this with him, too, and he suffered, too.
Jackson Avery POV:
Jackson was going to hate himself when this was all over.
He knew it from the moment he first saw the look of Pain on Lewis' face after his tirade about their father. What Jackson said wasn't true, but he knew the words would hurt his older brother and that was all that Jackson cared about.
This had been their battle for as long as Jackson could remember and just because Lewis was tired of fighting didn't mean the war could end.
It could never end and Jackson had finally come to understand that. Sure Lewis talked about wanting to build a better relationship, but Jackson knew that the moment he had done something that made Lewis angry the cycle would start again and Jackson would be exactly where he was now.
On the outside and watching as he lost another family.
Worst of all was Mark, and everyone else, who had been pulled into a fight they had no possible idea how to fight. They've all paid a price for it. Whether lost friendships, lost relationships, or in the case of Alex the loss of pretty much everything.
It still didn't make Jackson any less angry at the man for betraying him the way he had. After the night they had shared Jackson had put his faith in Alex and only received a slap in the face as payment.
"Okay. If you feel that way, then there's nothing left for me to say"
Jackson had to make Mark hate him. He needed the man to know that there was no way of getting back what they once lost. If Jackson had left him with even the smallest shred of hope Mark's dogmatic personality would hold on until the bitter end.
Lexie Grey had been the perfect example of that. So taking a deep breath he steadied himself.
"You had to know this...whatever it was, between us was going to be short lived" Jackson said "I mean you're more than a decade older then I am. Do you think that in a couple of years people wouldn't start laughing at me? Whispering behind my back and asking themselves why I was wasting my time with a man who's glory days have long since come and gone?"
Mark turned to face him and the look of pure heartbreak almost made Jackson take it all back, but he had to be strong. He needed Mark to make Jackson nothing but a bad memory.
"That's enough!" Arizona said as she stepped up "I know you're angry, but you have no right to talk to him that way" she was angry.
More than angry actually, she was pissed and Jackson realized he had never seen her this way before.
"Is that right Pollyanna?" Jackson laughed "sorry I'm not all sunshine and lollipops like you are, but it's time to wake up and realize that no matter how many smiles you put on and how hard you try to insert yourself into peoples lives you are nothing more than an attachment" Jackson could feel the bile rise in his chest. But they had ambushed him and treated him like a 5 year old kid these past few months. They should have seen this coming.
"Jackson" she said and her voice trembled "I-"
"What?" he asked "You think you're really part of Mark and Callie's family? Be serious, Robbins. You are nothing more than a good lawyer and a piece of paper away from being alone"
"Don't you talk to her that way" Alex said and he and Jackson found themselves back where they had been for so many months.
"Or what?" Jackson asked "When will you realize, Alex, that you are nothing more than a pathetic charity case? That's why Arizona took you under her wing. You're like the dog that follows everyone home. Nobody really wants you, but they're too polite to just kick you back out on the street"
Alex's fist started to clench and Jackson could see the man's eyes water.
"Of course they eventually kick you out once they grow tired of you" Jackson stepped closer to Alex "Why else would April come to her senses and wash her hands off you, or why would Lewis have sex with Tyler in your bed, what, a week after seeing him? You're trash, Alex. Always have been. Always will be."
"No more" Tyler said as he barrelled towards Jackson and flung him against the wall. Holding him up by his shirt collar "I'm putting a stop to this"
Jackson was jarred for a moment, before quickly getting his barring and smiling "You're in for a treat everyone" Jackson said "this Tyler hasn't really come around since Boston" the man's grip was starting to make Jackson's shirt cut into his neck. "You know the one who forgets how to argue like an adult and just starts threatening to get his point across"
Tyler's eyes went wide and he backed off Jackson like he had been burned.
"Remember, Tyler?" Jackson asked "the night I came back to our apartment after being gone for three days and when you couldn't bully me into doing exactly what you wanted you said you would kill me. What was it exactly?" Jackson made it a point of putting his index finger on his chin as if in thought.
"Oh that's right" Jackson spoke "I'd rather see you dead than like this" Jackson stared at Tyler "those were the words you used, weren't they?"
Tyler's mouth hung open and he looked at Jackson as if the man had just shot him.
"You all want to pretend like you're here to help me, but in truth I'm the best person here. At least I know what a piece of shit I am"
"You're good" Amelia said calmly as she stepped up from behind Mark "really good actually. I mean you hit every single target like a sharp shooter"
"Thanks" Jackson said sarcastically "but I don't need commentary from the peanut gallery, or should I say the former junkie gallery".
Amelia folded her arms and just stared at him. It made Jackson feel uneasy.
"I find the hypocrisy of a woman who was strung out not even a year ago standing in my living room condemning me to be kind of hilarious" Jackson said "I mean if it wasn't so damn tragic. Poor little mediocre Shepherd. Never quite lived up to big brother's reputation did you?"
"At least now that Derek's hand is about as useful as a limp shrimp this is really a chance to let that crack addict within you shine"
"Jackson?" a new voice said walking in from the kitchen.
Looking up Jackson could feel his heart stop "April!"
"What about me?" she asked "surely you have something to say to me as well…"
April Kepner POV:
Ever since April knew Jackson was back she felt uneasy. Mostly, because she didn't know how to deal with him after all she had found out about him. She didn't understand that he didn't feel like he could trust her enough to let her in on his problems. Or that he thought she couldn't take it.
After all, that was what Alex was thinking, too, and that was why he had lied to her the whole time.
Deep down, April knew that it was to protect her. Her and their baby. Their daughter.
After all, her pregnancy had been complicated enough already, but she knew that she could have dealt with it somehow, if she just knew the truth. Truth could hurt, yes, but not knowing anything and being lied to by the people she loved hurt even more.
Even though she had promised Lewis after he had told her that Jackson was back not to get involved, not to show up, she had known that very moment, that she wouldn't be able to keep her promise. That she couldn't keep her distance.
Jackson was her best friend after all and she loved him. And she couldn't just let the others handle the whole situation. She knew, Alex would probably hate her for it afterwards, but she didn't care anymore.
Things between her and Alex were over anyways, and they would never go back to the way they were. Ever.
She needed to get used to the thought that she would be a Single Mom. That she would be on her own. But she could do that. Her baby would be the most important thing in her life. It already was.
Lovingly, she caressed her belly, smiling down at the growing part of her body.
She would be a mother.
Never had she expected her life to turn out like that, but somehow she still didn't want to change anything about it, even if she would rot in hell for it.
She had always strongly believed in god, and she was sure he wouldn't approve of a life like this, but it was her life. The life she had chosen. And maybe, just maybe, some day she would meet a guy who was worthy of her love.
Alex would always have a special place in her heart, and there would never be someone like him, but he obviously wasn't who she thought he was and he definitely wasn't someone she could trust, so she needed to do what was best for her and her daughter; cut him off.
Still, it wasn't easy and she asked herself if she made the right choice every day, every hour of the day, but she just had to be strong. She had to stick to her guts and in the end it would be worth it.
When April had arrived at their old apartment around 6, Alex had been shocked to see her. Terrified even.
"April. What... what are you doing here?" he had asked her, and the pain in his eyes showed her, that even seeing her hurt him more than he would probably ever admit.
"I'm Jackson's friend, too. And I wanna be a part of this."
"But... I don't think the stress is good for our daughter," Alex had said, but April had just walked past him.
"I don't care what you think. And it's my daughter, not ours."
She knew she hurt Alex with her words, and that's why she didn't turn around again. Instead, she just walked into the kitchen to prepare herself some tea. She couldn't stand to be close to him for more than a couple of seconds, because she was sure if she did, the pain would overwhelm her and that it could - again - cause complications. Complications she neither wanted nor needed. She just wanted to have this baby inside of her for the next couple of weeks and when it was time, give birth to a beautiful little girl.
Patiently, she waited in the kitchen, until everyone had arrived, and the closer the time of Jackson's arrival came, the more nervous she got, but she tried her best to stay as calm as possible.
It would obviously become really ugly, but she just hoped, that someone... anyone... would get through to Jackson, so he would see that all the people here care for him. That all the people were only here because they loved him.
"Promise me you stay in here, okay?" Alex said, once he heard Jackson's voice echoing through the apartment.
"Alex, you can't..." April started, but Alex cut her off mid-sentence.
"Please, April. Please!" He moved towards her and looked her deep in the eye. "Please. Even if you don't want me in your life anymore. Even if you don't want me in your daughter's life... I don't want anything to happen to you or her. I couldn't live with myself if it did."
Biting her lower lip, April looked up at him. "Okay..." she gave in.
She didn't want to admit it, but his words touched her. More than they should and she could see the sincerity behind them in his eyes.
April moved towards the door so she could hear what Jackson and the others were saying and with every passing second the shock grew.
Who was this person out there and what had he done to Jackson?
This guy out there definitely wasn't the Jackson she knew and loved. This person out there was some nasty bastard. Someone, April didn't like at all.
How could he be this mean to his own brother? But even worse, how could he treat Mark like this? Mark had been nothing but good to him - as far as April could tell - and Jackson had been really happy with him, but now Jackson made it sound like it never mattered to him. Like Mark never mattered to him, and that wasn't true.
Even though the words weren't directed to her, they hurt her. More than she wanted.
It hurt her that the drugs had made someone like that out of Jackson. That they literally had turned him into a monster. She wanted Jackson back. Her Jackson.
"Why else would April come to her senses and wash her hands of you, or why would Lewis have sex with Tyler in your bed, what, a week after seeing him? You're trash, Alex. Always have been. Always will be"
April froze, feeling tears welling up in her eyes.
Yes, she had cut Alex out of her life, but it wasn't because she didn't love him anymore - she did - it was because she thought he wasn't good for her or the baby. She didn't know about Lewis and Tyler and even though it probably shouldn't: It made her feel really sorry for Alex.
It took a lot of her not to bump into the scene that very moment, but she felt her heart beating way too fast, and she knew she had to calm herself down a little bit first.
Closing her eyes, she took a few deep breathes.
She knew that she had promised Alex to stay back. Not to get involved in this whole situation, but she just couldn't stand by and let Jackson hurt her friends any longer. Enough was enough.
Slowly, April took a few steps towards the kitchen entrance.
"Jackson?"
She stopped when she could see him, looking directly into his eyes.
She could tell by the shocked expression on Jackson's face that she was the last person he expected to see and her name came over his lips barely more than a whisper.
"What about me?" She asked, her voice trembling. "Surely you have something to say to me as well."
"April," Alex' voice said, and when she turned around to look at him, she saw the terrified look in his eyes. "Please... please don't..." His voice sounded almost desperate, and it made her heart break all over again.
"I... I can handle it, Alex... I wanna hear all the nasty things, too. I wanna have my fair share of this Jackson, even though he's not my Jackson anymore. I'm in this, too, now."
She turned back to Jackson, looking at him.
"So what is it, Jackson? What do you have to tell me? I'm listening."
She wasn't sure if she really wanted Jackson to attack her verbally like he had attacked Lewis, Mark and Alex, but she was ready for anything, because deep down she knew he only was this nasty because he felt trapped and cornered. Because he thought this was his way out. With everyone hating him.
"I don't care what it is you're gonna throw at me, Jackson, because I know this is the drugs speaking... and the fear to let anyone in again, because you're so damn scared to get hurt again. But neither of us would be here if we didn't love you that much," April clarified. "Whether you want to hear it or not... neither of us is going to hate you, because we know the other you."
Placing a hand on her belly when she felt a nauseating pain, she leaned back against the doorframe, not showing how she really felt at all.
This wasn't about her, it was about Jackson, and she knew she would get through to this. Somehow. At least she wasn't alone, even though somehow she wished she was. Maybe things wouldn't have gotten that bad if she was alone with Jackson, but she would never know.
Jackson Avery POV:
Jackson felt the room get very small and very hot the second he saw April.
In truth, it was embarrassment and shame that suddenly made him feel like his skin was burning him alive.
"April, I..." he had no feasible way of ending that sentence. She wasn't supposed to be here and there was no scenario that made Jackson able to speak to her the way he had spoken to everyone else.
"So what is it, Jackson? What do you have to tell me? I'm listening"
He looked around, but Jackson had cleanly cut off any possible support he would have had in the room.
Still, Alex turned to April "This isn't a good time right now, April" he told her "the baby"
"Is my responsibility and I know what I'm doing. So can you please back off?" she whispered it harshly and turned back to Jackson.
"Do you know what it was like?" she asked him "To find out what you were going through when it was too late to help?"
"I don't need help" Jackson said "I'm okay, April. Don't let these people fool you into thinking you don't know me"
"I don't know you, Jackson" April said and he could hear the hitch in her voice "the man who said those horrible things while I was in the kitchen wasn't the guy I grew to love over these past 5 years"
Stuffing his hands in his pocket Jackson looked down at the ground. He was going to lose April anyway. She was attached to a life he had moved beyond, so it was good that she was walking away from him.
"You talked to me that week you were in New York and not once did you even give an indication that you had ran away from your life. I get that you didn't want to let any of them-" she pointed around the room "know, but me Jackson? You couldn't let me know? Even after all that we've been through together? After all that we've lost together?"
The shame was going to eat him alive and if a hole had opened up and swallowed him then Jackson would have been more then grateful.
"You're all I have left, Jackson" April said "with Reed and Charles gone we're it and I don't want to lose you too. It got so bad that while I was in the hospital I had a dream you had come to visit"
Jackson eyes grew at her words "You were wearing that blue hoodie you always liked and promising to be better"
"April" Jackson said urgently, but it was too late. Tyler was already connecting the dots.
"It was you" Tyler said as he approached Jackson "the dick who bumped into me and didn't apologize" Jackson could hear the anger in his voice.
Tyler grabbed his shirt and pulled him close enough for Jackson to feel the puffs of air Tyler was given out.
"You knew how horrible we were doing and even with me standing an inch away you didn't say a damn word"
"I didn't want to cause trouble" Jackson said as Tyler's grip tightened. April had thrown his balance off and now with his anger gone he was floundering in the face of Tyler's fury.
"Causing trouble?" Tyler asked "you can't be serious"
"Stop it!" April said as she rushed over to him "get off of him" and with a surprising amount of strength she managed to pull Tyler away from Jackson.
"We're all a bit high strung right now" Sheldon said as he stepped into the middle of the room "I think it might be best if we stopped and just collected ourselves"
Jackson rubbed his neck where the shirt had started to tighten around his skin "I didn't come back to make things complicated. I had heard about what happened with April and I just wanted to make sure she was okay"
"What about the rest of us?" Mark asked "Or did we not register on your radar?"
"Yes, but-"
"Of course we didn't" Lewis said "the only person he stayed in contact with was April. He was done with us the minute he got on that plane"
Jackson felt like he was arguing with three people at once and he couldn't keep up.
Suddenly he felt as if he couldn't breathe. Bending over he tried to catch his breath, but he couldn't seem to get a hold of a steady pattern.
"Jackson" he heard Mark say as he and everyone else crowded around.
"What's the matter?" Lewis asked to which Tyler said a panic attack and only then did Jackson realize he wasn't dying.
He felt Amelia put a hand on his shoulder and lead him over to the couch to sit.
After about 5 minutes he felt himself start to calm.
"Are you okay?" Sheldon asked.
"I need some air" Jackson said "would you mind if I just use the bathroom?"
He saw everyone look at one another. Not quite sure if they should trust him
"I'll talk and listen to what you all have to say" Jackson said "I promise"
"Of course you can" Arizona told him and helped lift him up and towards the stairs "we'll be waiting here when you finish"
"Thank you" Jackson told her. He wanted to tell her sorry too, but he felt as if that would just move everything backwards.
Once up the stairs and in the bathroom he turned on the sink and splashed some water on his face. He didn't know what he was going to do. They wouldn't let him leave and there was no way he could go down and hear them say what a horrible person he was.
It was stuff he had already known and having it pointed out just seemed like overkill.
Feeling some of the water land on his shirt he started to wipe it dry and he heard the paper crinkle in his pocket.
Suddenly he found his reprieve. Pulling the paper out as well as his cell phone from his pocket he quickly dialled Sasha's number and after three rings the girl picked up.
"Hey Jackson" her bright voice came through and it made Jackson feel...better.
"Hey Sasha" Jackson responded "I need a huge favour"
"Sure thing" she said "just name it"
"My cab is running late and I'm dangerously close to missing my flight. Do you think I could grab a lift from you?"
"Of course" she told him "I can be there in 10 minutes"
"You're a life saver Sasha" he chuckled "I owe you my first born"
'I'll settle for a kiss on the cheek" she laughed
"Consider it done" and with that the two hung up and Jackson planned his escape route.
Walking out of the bathroom he crept down the hall to Alex's room and as he passed he could hear the hushed whispers of the people downstairs.
Easing open Alex's door he walked into the room and as he looked over at the bed he could still see the rumbled sheets from that morning and blocking it out of his memory he opened up the window and managed to work his way through it and once out on the roof it was only a small jump to the ground.
Looking behind he made sure nobody had come outside then thinking that Sasha would come from the hospital he ran to the end of the street and just prayed that she would arrive before the people inside got suspicious.
With his hand in his pockets he felt himself start to shake.
Please, Please, Please Jackson whispered to himself and in less than 10 minutes later Sasha pulled up and parked in front of her.
"You must be in a hurry" Sasha smiled as she stepped out of the car.
Given the woman a hug and a kiss on the cheek he could see her blush "If I can't catch this one I'd have to buy another one since it's non-refundable"
"Say no more" she said "no luggage?"
Shit Jackson thought "I had everything forwarded"
Now here would come the hard part. He really didn't want to drag Sasha into this, but it would take one phone call from any of the people inside during their trip to the airport for Sasha to stop and do a U-Turn right back to his apartment.
"I have one last favour" Jackson said "and if you don't want to get involved I totally understand"
"What is it?" she asked concerned.
"Alex is in the apartment and we haven't really been seeing eye to eye. We just got into another argument, which is why I'm out here, but my jacket is still inside. If you wouldn't mind grabbing it for me? I really don't want to get into another fight"
With a smile Sasha patted his shoulder "Leave it to me" she said "just wait in the car and I'll be back in a minute"
"Thank you, Sasha!"
"Anytime" and watching her walk towards the front door Jackson got into the car. The key was still in the ignition. This was going to work.
Sasha knocked on the door and Jackson could see Alex answer and Sasha told him something before pushing him to the side and walking in.
Putting the car into drive Jackson started the engine and sped off into the night.
Sasha would understand. He would call her once he was in New York and pay whatever he had to in order to make it up to her. He just had to get out.
Once he turned down the street he reached into his pocket and pulled out the two pills he kept there. Quickly swallowing them he waited for the headache that the past hour had given him to fade.
Jackson laughed to himself as he imagined all their shocked faces at realizing it was Jackson who had won in the end. No matter how much they tried to break him he had come out the winner.
The street light was a half a block away and seeing the light go from green to yellow he sped up the car to beat it. The faster he got to his destination the better.
His car was halfway through the light when he felt his whole world go into upheaval. His head had crashed against the door glass and as the cherry red Acura spun out of control and started to flip on it's side Jackson was long since unconscious. By the time the mangled car had come to a stop the only movement from inside was the ever-decreasing breathing of the dying young man inside.