o~O~o
Chapter 5
o~O~o

A/N: Two chapters in less than a week. This was another difficult chapter to write, but please bear with me, they won't all be this way. I promise.

A HUGE heartfelt 'Thank You' to Corinne (waatp) for beta'ing two very difficult, very emotional and heart wrenching chapters in less than one week. You've gone above and beyond to help me reach my goal with this story. I hope that each chapter continues to make you proud.

o~O~o

You Save Me

By: Kenny Chesney

o~O~o

"Every now and then I get a little lost
My strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed
Every now and then I'm right up on the edge
Dangling my toes out over the ledge
I just thank God you're here

'Cause when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun
'Cause when I'm a firecracker comin' undone
Or when I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy
No matter where my reckless soul takes me
Baby you save me

It's hard lovin' a man that's got a gypsy soul
I don't know how you do it, I'm not sure how you know
The perfect thing to say to save me from myself
You're the angel that believes in me like nobody else
And I thank God you do"

o~O~o

Beca and Jesse had a whirlwind romance. Things went from very casual to very serious quite fast... a little too fast for her parents liking but Beca was so wrapped up in Jesse that she ignored, or maybe simply didn't notice, the rather obvious hints her mother was dropping when she called home.

Beca only told her parents how wonderful Jesse was and how happy he made her. She never mentioned that, while she and Jesse did love each other, their relationship was far from perfect. They had disagreements and some pretty heated arguments, but they couldn't go more than a few hours without making up. Half the time they each silently wondered if they were picking fights on purpose because the making up was always stellar. Whether it was an intense make out session in the living room, a quick shag in the car on the way to work or a full on porn style boink in the pool; somehow making up made them forget what they were fighting about in the first place, which wasn't always a good thing.

Some arguments shouldn't be forgotten, and it was at times like these that Beca was grateful that she had hidden infrared cameras peppered throughout the house. Like the time Beca woke in the middle of the night to Jesse thrashing around in the bed. His entire body was rigid, he was gripping handfuls of the bedsheets and sweating profusely while mumbling something about "Stop! You're hurting her! Stop!"

Beca was startled awake by Jesse's sudden and erratic movements. Holding the sheet to her chest, she glanced at the clock on the nightstand… 2:26am. They'd only been asleep for a little more than a hour. She looked at him with a wild eye because she had no clue what he was dreaming about. She'd never seen him like this. It was scary. She reached down on the floor for his t-shirt, pulled it over her head and scooted to the end of the bed as his nightmare played out in front of her. She wanted to hold him tight and comfort him but the bulging veins and muscles in his neck told her this was not ordinary fear. She wondered what had happened; they had a pleasant evening, listening to music and eating angel hair pasta before quite a mammoth sex session in the kitchen, on the floor of the family room, in her shower and again in the jacuzzi tub before falling into her bed and spooning.

She simply couldn't understand what had triggered this. She touched the small bruise on her lip as he continued to thrash around mumbling things that made no sense to her. Who was being hurt? Why was he hungry? What boys was he talking about? Did he have kids? What wasn't he telling her? She didn't understand and what was worse was she didn't know what to do.

Ryan had been one of those people who, as soon as his head hit the pillow and he closed his eyes, was fast asleep within seconds and didn't move until the alarm sounded the next day. Beca knew that Jesse was completely different. He often paced the floor, scratching at his forearms when he thought she wasn't looking and would occasionally look miles away, lost in deep thought. Bedtime seemed to be a trigger for Jesse and watching her fall asleep seemed to calm him. She didn't find it creepy; after all, everyone had their own way of doing things.

She sat watching him, for what seemed like forever, as he rolled around shouting. His body trembled and sweat poured off of him, soaking the sheets. She only moved closer when he started reaching out and trying to find her on her side of the bed. "Beca…" he mumbled as his hands searched the bed for her.

"I'm here." she whispered as she crawled cautiously back to the head of the bed and laid down.

He reached out for her face and gently stroked her cheek. "You were gone."

"No, I was here." She said kissing his cheek. "I was right there." She told him as she pointed to the spot on the bed that she had just vacated.

Suddenly, Jesse realized what had just happened and sat straight up, letting the sheets pool around his waist. "Shit!"

"What? What's wrong Jesse?"

Jesse got out of bed, put on his boxers and quickly made his way downstairs with Beca hot on his heels. She had no idea what was going on but whatever it was, she didn't want him to have to deal with it alone. She followed Jesse as he wandered into each room downstairs in turn, looking disoriented. Beca waited as he looked like he was trying to decide where to settle. She gave him all the time he needed before she poked her head out into the wide, open hallway to see where he was going next. She found Jesse pacing the kitchen floor, his hands threaded through his hair as he mumbled something about being "careless and stupid".

"Jesse… what's going on?" Beca asked as she tried to pull his hands down from their position on the top of his head, where he was fisting handfuls of his hair, but he pulled away from her sharply. "Talk to me. What's wrong?" She noticed his eyes had a cloudy look to them and he didn't appear to truly be awake. He seemed far away even though he was only standing a few feet away from her. He looked wild, angry and looked as if he hadn't slept for a week. "Jesse… I'm right here." She said stroking his cheek.

He batted her hand away. "Leave. Me. Alone." He spat through gritted teeth as she withdrew her hand quickly, clutching it to her chest with a touch of shock at his actions.

"No, I won't leave you alone. That's probably the worst thing I could do right now."

"Beca, I swear…" He began, ringing his fists.

"You swear what?" She asked. Her hackles were up now and she was tired of trying to sugar coat whatever was going on with him. He was acting worse than Sawyer did when he was in one of his petulant moods. Beca knew that Jesse needed to talk to her. However, she couldn't help him if he didn't. "Jesse… are you gonna talk to me or are we just going to continue dancing around whatever is going on with you?"

"Don't…"

"Don't what Jesse?"

"Don't... push me."

"Or what?"

Jesse raised his closed fist to Beca. "Don't!" He reiterated.

"Or what? You're gonna hit me?" Beca challenged, her eyes dancing everywhere as she watched his biceps flex and contract as he fought with the urge to punch her. "Because that'll solve everything, right?!"

"Beca… I said don't!"

"I don't think you have the balls to hit me!" Beca spat at him. The words were no sooner off her lips when she found herself ducking. His fist was like a pile driver as it went through the wall behind her. If she hadn't ducked he would have punched her right square in the face. Standing up straight again, she took one long look at him as he tried to pull his hand out of the wall. Not staying long enough to see if he was okay, she ran up the stairs to her bedroom, closing and locking the door behind her.

Taking off after her, Jesse called her as he ran up the stairs, taking two at a time. He was as white as a sheet as he hurtled to a stop outside her bedroom. He squeezed his toes into the thick plush hallway carpeting as he rested his head on the door, twisting the handle several times. "Beca… I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Please unlock the door, let me in." He could hear her crying through the door and while he could have broken it down, he felt like he'd done enough damage for one night. Then he started questioning why he had gotten up at all. She had been so sweet, laying in bed comforting him after a nightmare and he had to go and ruin it by getting out of the damn bed. Now he'd managed to scare the shit out of her and he wasn't sure she was going to forgive him, after her understandable reaction.

"Beca, baby… come on, open the door." He begged, trying the handle once more before knocking softly a couple of times.

No answer.

o~O~o

He leaned his back against the door and slid down, hitting the floor with a fast thump. Putting his elbows on his knees and raking his hands through his hair he mumbled, "Way to go asshole. You probably just ruined the best thing that has ever happened to you."

They each sat in silence on opposite sides of the door, neither knowing what the other was doing. They sat that way for what seemed like an eternity but in reality was only about an hour or so. Beca was crying hard, letting the tears silently splash onto Jesse's tee shirt. She looked down to see that she was still wearing one of his favourite things. Almost surprised, she pulled his shirt over her head, tossing it towards the corner of the room as she quickly rose to her feet. She crossed the room to her closet and pulled open the door. She sought out a sports bra and comfy sweater; despite it being a warm night, she was chilled to the bone.

Jesse was at war with himself. Should he tell her what happened? Should he tell her what day it was and why it was so important to him? Would telling her cause her to run further away from him? Would she even understand? Would she think he was a freak? Would she hold him like a broken bird or see him for the lion that he felt he was for beating his childhood. The truth was, he didn't know and he'd never know unless he told her. If she ran, then he'd deal with it the only way he knew how.

He took a deep breath. "Beca… are you awake?"

Beca sat near the end of her bed, sobbing quietly, wondering who this person was that she allowed into her life and her home. What she'd just witnessed wasn't anything she'd ever seen from him before. He was scary and seemed almost possessed. There was an evil, vacant look in his eyes and, she was quite happy to admit to herself, it scared the hell out of her.

She could hear him right outside the door. He'd jiggled the door handle a few times and he sounded sincere in his attempts to apologize but she wasn't ready to let him in. What she really wanted to do was call her Dad or Luke but that would only complicate things more. She didn't want to keep running to them with every problem. She was old enough to handle it. She had to face Jesse at some point, but when?

"Beca… I'm sorry. Please, open the door." Jesse begged.

Jesse listened for a response but all he heard was a faint sniffle and a whispered "No", spoken from somewhere far beyond the other side of the door. He could imagine her tucked safely into a corner with her knees up to her chin and he hated that he'd scared her.

He took a deep breath and readied himself for what he was about to tell her. He'd never shared what his family life had been like with anyone. His admission would either make them stronger or break them completely, but he knew that either way he had to tell her.

"Ok fine. I'll talk then." He told her, keeping his voice even, strong and slow. "What do you want to know?"

Beca couldn't believe it. He was finally going to talk and he was asking her what she wanted to know. It was now or never. She scooted her way closer toward the door, rubbing her hands over her face. She took several deep breaths and whispered, "Everything."

She had asked him many times before about his family but he always threw a wall up and refused to tell her anything. He avoided her questions like the plague, always changing the subject to something happier. Beca just figured that someday he would come around. She never thought something like this would have to happen for that day to finally arrive. And she couldn't be happier.

"There's really no way to put this nicely…" Jesse started before taking a deep breath and continuing; he'd taken the first step and now he was ready to run the race. "Bambi, my mother, was a prostitute and a crack whore. She was in and out of our lives from a young age, in fact, I barely remember her before the age of about eight. That scar you were asking me about a couple of weeks ago is from a cigarette burn from my mother's first boyfriend who was also her pimp."

Jesse found that now he had started, he almost forgot he was actually talking as the words continued to tumble out of his mouth. He told Beca about Chuck, his grandmother, his brother Casey and the struggles they had with food, safety, health. He decided to keep Jonah and Colby to himself for awhile longer. They were no longer part of his life but as everything else spilled out onto the carpet in front of him, his body was wracked with sobs as he told her about the help from his music teacher and how much he wanted to keep that guitar and make Mr. Davies proud; he was the only father figure he had ever really known. He didn't go into graphic details about what went on behind his mother's bedroom door. As much as he hated to admit it, he felt his owed his mother something. He just wasn't sure what it was.

Perhaps he should tell her about Jonah and Colby. He had nothing to lose at this point.

"My brothers and I were raised by my Granny. She did her best but she didn't know the first thing about raising four boys on her own."

Beca gasped. No wonder he never wanted to share anything about his childhood. She couldn't imagine or pretend to know what he'd been through. Then she thought about when he'd just said, "Brothers?" She only knew about Casey, she had no idea that he had more than one sibling.

"Yes. Jonah and Colby are a good bit younger than Casey and me. When my Granny died, they were put into foster care and later adopted. They're happy now. I haven't seen them in years."

Beca again was at a loss for words. The woman who raised Jesse died and he lost his brothers; it was so far removed from her own childhood that she couldn't comprehend it all. She realized she was sitting, cross legged on the floor, with her head resting against the door. She looked up in surprise as she hadn't realized she had been scooting closer and closer towards him; it was as if each word he admitted, and each tale he told, took a brick out of the wall he'd constructed.

She was impressed by the rawness that he'd laid out before her, the admission that the reason he was the way he was and why he never took her to see where'd he grown up.

"Jesse?"

"Yeah."

"Why now?" Beca said, standing up and quietly unlocking the door. Jesse heard the lock snap and shifted around to face the door. "Why today?"

Jesse opened the door and for the first time in hours came face to face with Beca. "Today is the anniversary of my Granny's death. I guess it stirred up a lot of feeling for me."

"Oh Jess…" Beca said as she took him in her arms. "I'm so sorry."

o~O~o

'Cause when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun
When I'm a firecracker comin' undone
When I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy
No matter where my reckless soul takes me
Baby you save me

I know I don't tell you nearly enough
That I couldn't live one day without your love
When I'm a ship tossed around on the waves
Up on a highwire that's ready to break
When I've had just about all I can take
Baby you, baby you save me

When I'm a bullet shot out of a gun
When I'm a firecracker comin' undone
No matter where my reckless soul takes me
Baby you save me

o~O~o