o~O~o

Chapter 11

Magic & Mayhem

o~O~o

"Good morning Miss Beca." Bernie said in a very chipper tone of voice as he opened the back door of the shiny black limo that was parked right outside the front door of her house.

It was way too early and far too dark for Beca's liking. And especially after the night they'd just had, she would have given her right arm for an extra hour in bed. Spending eight hours a day with Kimmy Jin, Lilly and Amy had not prepared her for the level of weirdness that had taken place in her house overnight.

And that was before Flo even showed up.

"Good morning Bernie." Beca said quietly, handing Bernie her small weekend bag before she slipped into the back seat, careful not to spill her hot coffee that had enough sugar in it to keep a small country high for a month. She settled herself into the seat, dropped her phone into her lap and set her purse on the floor next to her feet. She picked a small piece of lint from her shorts before leaning backwards into the soft and worn leather seats.

"Um, Miss Beca?"

"Yes?" She called out, sounding weary.

"Why is one of your friends handcuffed?"

"Believe me Bernie, it's safer this way. Trust me." Beca said, rubbing her temples.

She leaned forward and looked out of the door before calling out to the small group that was loitering by her front door, yawning widely. "Everyone. In. The Car. Now." She hissed through her teeth. "We're leaving… with or without you! And if I have to explain to Sawyer why one of you got left behind... trust me, there will be hell to pay. There is not enough booze or valium in the world to soften the blow or fix that shit, so... God help you."

o~O~o

After leaving the Warner office building the night before, Luke dropped Beca off at home then went to pick up Flo from her small apartment on West Florence Street in Inglewood. Flo shared her home with the chicken that her brother tried selling her for, a Rabbi, a semi professional arm wrestler who still believed the Earth was flat, several pool noodles, an overexcited taco truck vendor and a chihuahua with chronic diarrhea.

Beca, knowing time was limited, had hurried upstairs to enjoy a long, hot shower before everyone arrived. She wasn't sure if hot showers were something the retreat offered as it looked like it was located in the middle of nowhere and it wasn't mentioned in the packet that Sawyer had given to her. She was completely screwed if there wasn't indoor plumbing. She could deal with lukewarm showers and even sleeping in a tent, but there was no way she was she copping a squat in a bush to take a piss. She wondered if there was time to fake an illness but seeing as she was such an horrible liar, she'd probably have invented some bubonic plague that only affected goats.

Wrapping herself in a fluffy, freshly laundered towel, she walked into her closet to gather several pairs of shorts and some t-shirts, a pair of jeans that she didn't mind if they got ruined and something to sleep in as well as socks, her old beat up Converse and her leather duffle bag. When she was satisfied that she'd packed enough clothes, she picked up the bag and walked into her room, dropping it on the bed.

She looked at the time on the clock next to the bed and realized that she didn't have much time before the girls started to arrived. Picking up the pace, she dug through her dresser drawer looking for sports bras and panties to pack as well as something to put on for the evening, she couldn't let Amy catch her in a towel because that never ended well.

Twenty minutes after stepping out of the shower and just as she walked back downstairs to fetch herself a cold beer from the fridge, the buzzer from her front gate rang. She walked over to look at the screen for the surveillance camera aimed at the driveway and gates and not recognizing the car or the man inside, she pushed the button and spoke into the speaker. He said he had a large order of Chinese food which Beca almost refused to accept until the delivery guy said, in his broken English, that it was 'from Mr. Don O. Van'. Beca quickly buzzed him in and waited at the front door. After accepting the delivery and sending the guy on his way, Beca pulled the cartons from the box, wondering how many people Luke thought she was having coming over.

Beca saw Amy arrive a couple of minutes later, sniffing the air from the driveway claiming, as she barrelled through the door, she could smell Kung Pao chicken, Sweet & Sour Shrimp, noodles and fried rice. Dropping her bags in the family room, she followed her nose straight to the kitchen. Beca had to beat Amy off the food and bribe her to wait with the promise of Ben and Jerry's Cake Batter and Karamel Sutra ice cream if she behaved herself. At the mention of her two favorite ice cream flavors, Amy happily went to bring her things to 'the best' guest room before one of the other girls could claim it as theirs for the night.

Several minutes later, the next guest could be heard grumbling from the front doorstep. When Beca opened the door, she and Amy stood watching as Kimmy Jin dragged three suitcases from her taxi but nobody dared to question why she needed so much luggage. Amy whispered something about Jesse's dead body being in the largest of the three bags and Kimmy Jin offering it up as a ritual sacrifice. Seeing Beca visibly wince at his name, she changed the subject, knowing it was still too early to be making light of the situation. As retribution for mentioning Jesse's name within her earshot, Beca left Amy with Kimmy Jin in the kitchen, revelling slightly as beads of sweat formed on Amy's temple at the thought of being left alone with her nemesis.

Beca paced the family room as she texted Lilly to tell her that dinner had arrived. She told her that they were waiting for her to eat and asked how long she was going to be as she was struggling to keep Amy out of the cartons. After texting Lilly, she messaged Luke to complain once more about how her evening was already panning out. After waiting ten minutes, there was still no reply from either one, so Beca huffed loudly and returned to the kitchen. She was slightly shocked to find Lilly already sitting on one of the bar stools at the kitchen island knitting noodles together with a set of chopsticks.

"When? How did you get in here?" She asked, picking up and taking a long pull on the bottle of beer she'd left on the counter. Lilly looked at her wickedly and smiled. Beca looked suspiciously at the bottle of beer and spat the contents in the sink before chucking the bottle in the trash and getting a fresh, unopened one from the fridge. It wasn't that she didn't trust Lilly; she was just afraid of her!

"She came from platform nine and three quarters." Amy said motioning toward the fireplace in the family room with her thumb. She grinned at the confused look on Beca's face.

"Wait, what?" Beca asked, taking another chug of beer, mentally calculating how many bottles she had in the fridge as she had a feeling she was going to need a few to get through the evening.

"Floo Powder is on sale this week, right Hufflepuff? Let me guess, former Hogwarts student?" Amy asked Lilly. "And your letter was delivered by a messenger owl on your eleventh birthday? And you took the train to the -"

"- Aguamenti." Lilly whispered as she flicked her chopstick in Amy's direction. Lilly looked very pleased with herself as the end of the chopstick lit up slightly, sending out a dozen small sparks.

"What the fuck?!" Amy screeched as she looked down at her wet pants and the very large puddle of pee forming on the kitchen floor. "It's coming out like Fro Yo!"

"Really? Keep it in your pants maybe?!" Beca said, rolling her eyes and wondering what she had done to deserve this. To her knowledge, Sawyer had never sent anyone else on a retreat before so why her? Why now? "Get changed and bring down your wet things down and I'll put them through the washing machine. GO!"

Kimmy Jin watched in total disgust before she spat out, "This entire ordeal is a real inconvenience Beca." She folded her arms across her chest and pouted.

"Guys, just cool it." Beca said, waving her arms around violently. She gestured at them in turn before she realized what she was doing. "Why am I using my hands so much?" She mumbled to herself. "Look, we're gonna try really hard to make the best out of a bad situation."

"Easy for you to say… you didn't just piss your pants." Amy said motioning with both hands to her lady bits before she started unzipping her pants. "Exhibit C."

"AMY! Don't you dare pull your pants down in my kitchen! No one needs to be exposed to muffgate. It's bad enough you pissed the damn floor like an excited puppy, let's not add insult to injury. Now get up stairs and get changed."

"Geez… Feisty much?!"

"I may be feisty but at least I'm not sporting pissy pants." Bec said, pointing to the stairs, "Upstairs… Now!"

Beca watched Amy hurry upstairs before she opened the small cleaning closet in the kitchen that held her cleaning supplies. She pulled out the mop and bucket and collected a bottle of bleach and cleaned up Amy's puddle. She silently cursed Sawyer and his stupid idea as she put everything away afterwards, although she couldn't quite fathom quite how Lilly had made Amy pee herself but decided she didn't actually want to know.

It was just after seven when Luke walked in with Flo who, much to the delight of Amy, was wearing a thick black hood and a leopard print eye mask.

"I cannot be held responsible for what I see." Flo explained.

Luke pulled the black hood off Flo's head and introduced her to the Kimmy Jin and Lilly, who stared in wide-eyed wonder at the tiny human. "Flo, you'll have a great weekend with this bunch."

Flo looked at everyone staring at her, then turned to Luke who placed everything in his hands on the countertop, "Mr. Luke, please don't make me go with them. They will sell me for camels."

"Flo... We don't have camels in Malibu."

"But Mr. Luke, I-"

"-Flo, you're going and that's that." He told her. "Now, go fix a plate and get to know the girls. This is like being in college and you gotta try something new. If, after an hour, you still don't want to be here; you still want to go off to Swingers Unlimited and be Ms. Diddle Jam, well then, you can quit the trip. And I will help you move your things to their office."

"Seriously Mr. Luke?"

"-Yes, seriously. But I really need to see it Flo. This is fun. Join in "

Flo muttered under her breath as she took her duffel bag and travel pillow from Luke. He watched with a huge grin as Flo sulked her way into the family room and dropped her bag. Amy came charging down the stairs, wet pants in hand to meet Flo. She waved her clothes in the direction of Luke who turned to Beca to ask what was going on.

"Umm… Bec, why is Amy carrying wet pants? Did she go in the pool already?"

Beca chuckled as she whistled loudly towards the crazy Australian who was moonwalking in front of a frightened looking Flo. Beca pointed Amy towards her washing machine. "Trust me… you don't want to know." She said to Luke.

"Well, I did ask so…" Luke said, leaning past Beca to steal a few noodles from the open carton on the counter.

"Ook..." She smiled, as she smacked his hand away. "Lilly used her chopsticks to put some crazy spell on Amy."

Luke raised his eyebrow. "Her chopsticks?"

"Yes!"

"Well, that's just... weird."

"Well, duh!" Beca said, putting her hands on her hips.

"And Amy pee'd-"

"-Yes!" Beca exclaimed, leaning forward to wipe off a tiny piece of noodle from Luke's subtle five o'clock shadow.

"That's quite disturbing!"

"It is, so, please don't leave me alone with these wackadoos!" Beca begged Luke as he picked up his wallet and keys. "They've only been here half an hour and Amy has already pissed herself, K-J is already talking smack and Lilly has singed the ends of her hair."

Luke laughed as he walked toward the front door. "You can handle it."

"I'll do anything you want if you stay the night… please!"

He stopped dead in his tracks and looked over his shoulder with a very wicked grin. "Anything?"

Beca smacked him. "Quit being a pig."

"You said 'anything'."

"And you've already seen me naked once today!"

"So that's why you were late to work!" Amy winked, walking out of the laundry room, wrapping one of Beca's bras around her elbow. "I always thought you two were boinking. Beca, your bras make excellent elbow supports."

"See what I mean?" Beca said, turning back toward Luke. "Please do not leave me here with these cuckoocachoo's!"

"Bye Becs!" Luke said, kissing her cheek. "Have fun… text me!"

"Fuckin' asshole!" Beca mumbled as she crossed her arms and watched him walk out the front door. "I hate you!"

Luke smiled. "I love you, Becs!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" She said, rolling her eyes as she headed back in the kitchen to rescue dinner. "Love you too, asshole! And thanks for the Chinese!"

Beca stopped rolling her eyes long enough to see all four of the girls staring back at her, blinking wildly as if being away from the safety of their own homes and work was something new, exciting and scary all at the same time. Beca gulped visibly before ushering them towards the kitchen to fix plates.

Serving herself a small portion of shrimp and rice, Beca slipped into the family room and rooted around for a DVD for everyone to watch. She cursed herself for not having a bigger collection of movies but she really wasn't interested in them. Finding her secret stack of chick flicks; The Devil Wears Prada, Burlesque, Chicago, 27 Dresses and The Proposal, she quickly hid them behind the stacks of CD's that she kept in the entertainment center and fished out a couple of films Jesse had left behind.

"Becs!" Amy called out with her mouth full, spraying rice all over Beca's shiny hardwood floors as she walked in the room with a plate of Kung Pao chicken and some spare ribs Beca had leftover in the fridge. "We need karaoke!"

"Oh hell no, bitch! I've heard your attempt at singing."

"Huh?! I'm like the next Beyonce!" Amy said, dropping rice on the floor.

"Uhh… Ames, I'm sorry to tell you this but you can't carry a tune in a bucket, which is why you work on cover art for albums and not in music production!"

"Oh well, let's agree to disagree. Even though we both know I'm right. But we won't talk about your lie. Anyhoo, what we watchin'?" Amy asked as she took the armchair nearest the fireplace.

"Um, nothing I guess. I don't have any movies..." Beca said simply, as it was only a little white lie. If Amy knew she had chick flicks she'd never live it down! "... and this is all that Jesse left behind when he... you know?" Beca said, looking down at the boxes in her hands. "It's Twilight, or Twilight, the extended version."

"Twilight it is!" Amy said snatching the DVD's out of Beca's hand.

Beca sighed. "Ok guys, have fun. I"m gonna go sit outside for a bit."

"You're not going to watch with us?" Kimmy asked, as she took a seat opposite Amy.

"No, but you guys have fun." Beca told the girls as she walked toward the back door. Truth was, she couldn't watch a movie without Jesse and she wanted nothing more than a decent excuse not to have to sit and watch Twilight. There was something about a sparkling vampire that just seemed very wrong. "There's popcorn in the pantry if you want it."

Beca sat on the morning porch and watched as the sun set over the beach. She finally had some peace and quiet to be with her thoughts. She loved the girls and all of their weirdness but she wasn't used to sharing her personal space with them. She'd only gone to the office for a couple of hours but she was exhausted. Having it out with Sawyer had been difficult and the past month had been taking it's toll on her.

Eventually Beca laid on the chaise lounge in the shallow end of the pool. It was relaxing and far enough away from the house that she didn't have to listen to the girls argue about whether they were Team Edward or Team Jacob. Who actually gave a flying fuck? It was a stupid movie about sparkling vampires and everyone knows that vampires don't sparkle.

It was a pleasant evening outside and Beca was enjoying the calming sounds of the waterfall across the pool. Letting her foot dangle from the side of the chaise, Beca allowed herself to drift off to sleep. She wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep but when she finally woke, she felt rested and refreshed. She was startled when she heard Amy's voice.

"Helllooo slut!" Amy said from the pool float in the middle of the pool.

She jumped slightly and grabbed her chest. "Amy! What the fuck do you want?"

"A drink would be nice." Amy said as the devil danced in her eyes.

Beca rolled her eyes. "Get your own drink!"

"Well that's rude." Amy said looking slightly butt hurt.

"How are you in the middle of the pool and you're not soaking wet?"

"Lilly magicked me here." Amy said very matter of fact.

"Enough with the magic shit already!"

"You think I'm lying… look!" Amy said pointing to the tree.

Beca looked up into the palm tree and saw Lilly hanging upside down like a bat. She began to question how it was that she was currently surrounded by every weirdo in Los Angeles County. Did she attract them? She didn't go out looking for them but they always seemed to find her.

"Lilly… please come down from there." Beca begged. "If anything happens to you on my watch, Sawyer will kill me."

"I'll protect you boss lady." Lilly said proudly. "I got rid of the bad man on the phone."

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of." Beca muttered.

Once Lilly was down from the tree; Beca still wasn't exactly sure how she'd gotten up there, she helped Beca get Amy to the shallow end of the pool so she could get out without getting completely soaked.

As they walked in the house, Beca surveyed the room in an attempt to take inventory of her guests. Kimmy turned and said, "The white people are back."

"Well hello to you too." Beca said sarcastically and noticing that Kimmy was looking at something her iPad she asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm watching 'How To Get Away With Murder' on Netflix." She responded without taking her eyes off the small screen.

"Oh shit… we're fucked." Amy announced.

Beca shuddered. It was going to be a long, sleepless weekend. "Do you know where Flo is?"

"Nope. She disappeared a while ago." Kimmy told them.

"Lilly… did you-"

Lily smiled. "I ate my twin in the womb. I'm not hungry."

"Ok, umm... Amy, help me look for Flo. You look upstairs. I'll look down here." Beca said as she started calling for her as she headed down the hallway toward the downstairs guest room. They met back in the family room after searching for several minutes. "Lilly, are you sure you don't know where Flo is?"

As Lilly played with a knife, she asked, "Do you guys want to see a dead body?"

"Lilly… I swear if you don't cut the crap, you'll be job hunting come Monday!" Beca turned on her heels and stomped toward the kitchen for a drink when she heard a strange noise. She began randomly looking in the cabinets wondering if she had a mouse. Making sure she had her cell phone in hand and Luke's number at the ready, she started opening cabinets, relieved each time she didn't see a furry rodent. As she came to the corner cabinet, she started to get a weird feeling something wasn't quite right. She blew out a large breath and squatted down to open the cabinet. "Oh for fucks sake Flo!" She screamed as she came face to face with Flo, who had somehow neatly folded herself like only a contortionist could to get into the smallest cabinet in the kitchen. "What the fuck are you doing in there?" She asked, offering her hand to help Flo out of the cabinet.

Flo reached for Beca's outstretched hand and carefully unfolded herself. "The flashing lights followed me here."

Beca raised her eyebrow. "What flashing lights?"

"There! Look!" Flo pointed toward the entertainment center in the family room.

"Really?" Beca asked. "Flo that's the router for my wifi."

"Does it have malaria?"

"No, Flo, no."

"Are they coming for me?"

"Who's they?"

Flo said nothing but pointed upwards to the ceiling. "The ones out to get us."

Beca sighed heavily and looked towards Amy, who was examining the fluff from her pockets with great interest. "Amy, I can't handle anymore weirdness tonight. She's all yours. I'm going to bed."

"What did I do? Why do I have to watch the weirdos?"

"Good night Amy!" Beca said from the top of the stairs.

"Bitch!"

o~O~o

Once Beca was safely in her room she breathed a sigh of relief. It was late and she was exhausted. It had been a long day; a day that started off just like all the rest since Jesse left. Luke was right though, she needed to man up, move past Jesse and get on with life. After all, there was no way Jesse was going to be wallowing in self pity.

As she moved away from the door, she could hear the girls cackling downstairs. "Great, my home is now a glorified hen house."

She walked to bathroom and to take a long hot bath. If she was going to get any sleep, she was going to have to wash the weirdness down the drain. While the tub filled with water, she threw her hair up in a messy bun and undressed. She breathed in the smell of lavender as she stepped into the tub and lowered herself into the bubbles. She needed this… she deserved it.

As she laid there, covered in bubbles she thought about what Luke had said. "Don't question it. Just embrace it." He told her. Easy for him to say. Would he have to spend the night sleeping with one eye open because he had four weirdos in his house?

Forty minutes later, Beca was calm, relaxed and ready for bed. As she put on a cami and a pair of boxer shorts, she could hear Kimmy fussing at Amy about something. She opened her bedroom door a crack and listened as Kimmy scolded her for clogging the downstairs toilet. Amy was trying to defend herself by saying that the ribs she had eaten were off.

Beca closed and locked her bedroom door because she legitimately feared for her safety. As she climbed into bed, she made a mental note to ask Luke to call a plumber. She couldn't believe Amy used a washcloth when she failed to find the spare rolls of toilet paper under the sink. Hearing a slight creak outside her door, Beca quietly slipped out of bed and opened her closet door. She pulled out her guitar case and, shutting the door behind her, wedged the instrument under the bedroom door handle.

Turning around, she headed back to her bed in the semi darkness but let out an almighty scream when she saw Lilly sitting cross legged on her bed.

"Lilly!" She yelled, clutching at her heart. "What the fuck are you doing here? How did you get in?"

"I sleep best when I'm spooning." Lilly whispered, flashing brilliant white teeth in Beca's direction.

"Spooning or spooking?" Beca shouted. "Get out of-"

"Thir-tee wan seconds…" Lilly hissed scarily.

"Beca!" Amy bellowed from the other side of the door. "Are you ok in there? I'm coming in and I'm armed!"

"Amy, it's okay, it's just Lilly."

"I've wrestled crocodiles and dingoes simultaneously." Amy yelled as she ran toward Beca's bedroom door.

Beca jumped when she heard the loud thud of Amy hitting the door, quickly followed by the sounds of Amy rolling down the stairs while yelling "Behold!" When she turned back toward the bed, Lilly was gone. This night was proving to be the strangest she'd had since she and Amy were in college. It was quiet for a minute or two and Beca thought she should check on Amy to make sure she hadn't broken anything important... like her neck. Peering through the door, she watched as Amy crawled back up the stairs on all fours before sitting on the top step and scooting towards the edge.

"Amy?!" Beca called out. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"New game! Watch!" Amy yelled back before shouting out "behold" for the second time.

It wasn't long before all of the girls started using serving trays to slide down the stairs in turn. The noise they were making was awful but at least they were finally all getting along as they began to time themselves to see who could race down to the bottom the fastest. It was Amy's idea to include a task on the way down, such as reciting the alphabet backwards or calling out fifteen cuss words beginning with the letter 'p'. Beca politely declined to join in, citing breaking her neck as not on her list of priorities. Instead, she slipped back under her comforter and flicked through the channels on her TV, settling on an episode of Intervention, nothing like a bunch of drug addicts to make her feel like her life wasn't so bad after all. She reasoned it drowned out the sounds of the girls whooping and cheering just a few feet away.

A little while later, Beca heard the silence and thinking it was safe to go to sleep, she turned the TV off, tucked herself in and slid down on the pillows, burying her face into the feathery goodness. Beca sighed as she heard a tapping on her bedroom door. There was only four hours left before Bernie and the limo arrived the next morning and she'd not slept a wink thanks to the antics of her guests.

The knocking got louder the longer Beca ignored it. She knew it had to be Kimmy Jin, seeing as she had slipped some melatonin in the warm milk gave Flo, who had suddenly decided she was afraid of the dark, white cotton bed sheets and blue cheese. Beca texted Luke to tell him that Flo was no longer allowed to drink coffee and he needed to make sure she avoided watching anything other than Mickey Mouse on the television in the future.

Beca knew Amy had passed out at the bottom of the stairs, exhausted by her efforts to think of a way to get Sliding Down The Stairs into the Olympic Games. Beca was also confident that since Lilly has armed herself with a cast iron skillet, a map of Alaska and a bottle of perfume that there was going to be peace for a while. She was currently trying to work out where the buried treasures were. Plus the handcuffs helped.

Sighing even louder, Beca collected her robe before dragging her feet over the plush carpeting of her bedroom and unlocked the door. Kimmy Jin stood, with her arms folded, and her resting bitch face firmly in place.

"Naneun Lilly wa hamkke bang eul gong-yu han hu insang i pil-yohabnida."

"Wait, what?" Beca huffed out. She was too tired for Kimmy Jin's snark. "Kimmy, I'm tired. What is it now?" Beca waited for an answer before her patience finally ran out. "No English? Yes English? Just tell me where you're at with English."

"I need a raise after having shared a room with Lilly." Kimmy Jin repeated.

"Kimmy, there are plenty of guest rooms, why are you sharing with Lilly?"

"Amy told me it was the only room left."

"Ugh… down the hallway and to the right. There are three other guest rooms." Beca told her. "Please get some rest. It's going to be a long couple of days."

"And my raise?"

"We'll talk about it on Monday."

o~O~o

Finally, just as the dawn began to break and the sun peeked into Beca's bedroom, she fell asleep into a rushed dream that involved them all sitting around a fire pit sharing their deepest secrets, wearing polyester jumpsuits and holding hands. Beca almost gagged in her sleep.

Waking up the next morning, she was ready to murder to both Sawyer and Luke as she stood in the shower, trying to rid of her body of sleep. She needed coffee and lots of it and, after dressing in a t-shirt and shorts, Beca was reminded of why she and Amy were friends when she walked into the kitchen, half blind from sleepiness to find her closest friend cooking omelets and serving piping hot coffee with plenty of sugar in it.

Coughing slightly at the strength, Beca poured coffee and sugar into an insulated coffee tumbler and screwed on the lid as she heard the buzz from her front gate, signaling the arrival of Bernie. She fetched her small duffle bag from the hall and headed out to the limo, shouting out to the girls that she was leaving in just a few minutes, with or without them.

She just hoped and prayed that by the time they got to the retreat, everyone would have calmed down.

She couldn't have been more wrong!

A/N: What do you think will happen while the girls are on retreat? Will more hijinx ensue?

Corinne, as always, THANK YOU! You're the best!