Episode 6 – The "Great Protagonist Sora"

"DAMN YOU LAMPPOST!"

Sora kept trying to whack his greatest foe, the lamppost, yet somehow his oversized key just...wouldn't hit it. Sadly, unlike the many Heartless in town, it wasn't an object that you were able to hit. And Sora started to get really annoyed as he kept trying and failing.

"Truly you are my most powerful enemy yet!"

Sora kept trying to hit it but of course, with no avail.

"I will destroy you and your kind!" he shouted.

"...Stop."

"Huh?" said Sora as he heard a familiar voice.

"Stop trying to vandalize public property."

"But it might have orbs in there!"

The mysterious man revealed himself, and he...kinda looked like an older version of Sora...could he be...?

"Sure. Tell that to the judge then."

As soon as Sora saw this beautiful man, his jaw dropped in a comedic fashion.

"...Why are you staring at me like that?"

Sora's eyes had that familiar sparkle in them, and they may have even grown wider.

"Buh...buh...buh...buh..."

"Do I need to take you a doctor?" the man asked, sounding rather concerned.

"It's...it's you..."

"Heh, so you've heard of me."

Sora couldn't believe his eyes. It was Squall! The protagonist from Final Fantasy VIII, the one that no one liked!

"I...I'm actually looking at Squall, right now! He's here!" Sora rasped, completely mesmerized.

"Actually my name is Leon-"

"-This game is so awesome!" Sora cheered.

"Maybe you really do need to see a doctor."

Sora then proceeded to hug Squall tightly in his arms, gripping him so hard that Leon couldn't break free.

"Listen, I don't know who this "Squall" is, but I'm not him. My name is Leon." he told Sora as he kept hugging him.

"But..."

Sora then let go, feeling rather confused.

"How is that possible, you look exactly like him!"

Leon then scowled a little.

"I think a better question is, why do you have such a useless weapon? You can't defeat Heartless with that. And you shouldn't be out playing outside at night like this, your parents must be worried sick about you."

Sora groaned, realizing that compared to Leon's epic gunblade, his weapon was lame and not fit for combat at all.

"The floating text gave it to me."

Leon was actually starting to feel worried for this kids health, even if he didn't show it. Not only for his mental state, but his fashion sense. Who would ever wear those oversized pajamas while fighting creatures of pure darkness? And those shoes. He could trip over and fall at any moment! To Leon, he looked more like an obsessed fanboy than a hero.

"Yeah, that's it, I'm taking you to a doctor. And the clothes store as well."

He walked towards Sora, holding out his hand.

"Wait...a doctor? Is that a type of Heartless?"

"...No."

Sora then raised his oversized key, ready to fight.

"I'm not going without a fight."

Leon just sighed as he raised his weapon.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Sora then stopped being serious and threatening, and jumped up and down like a sugar high fanboy once again, making manly squealing noises.

"I've always wanted to fight Squall because he's so cool and angsty and brooding and I love him so much I can't believe that I'm actually in his presence oh my Light oh my Light I can't breathe my hair isn't spiky enough for the occasion! And I-"

Leon then bitchslapped Sora with a giant fireball to the face, rendering him unconscious.

"I really don't like fanboys," he muttered under his breath, running his fingers through his hair.

"I do, I like a man that begs," said someone seductively from behind the scenes.

It was the Great Ninja Yufeie...I mean, Yuffie.

"Not now Yuffie. We must bring him to safety. He must be one of the few remaining survivors," said Leon as he stared at the unconscious fanboy.

"I'll definitely take good care of this little boy for you then~"

"If you're going to molest him, at least wait until he wakes up."

Sora was too unconscious to reply.

...

Meanwhile, somewhere else...

Riku slowly opened his eyes, regaining his consciousness. You think he and Sora would be afraid, but they had lived with Kairi for years. They were used to this to kind of thing.

He saw waterfalls around him, but he had no idea whether the water was falling or rising...as he tried to get up, he started to feel even dizzier than he did before.

"Where...am I?"

He called for Sora's name twice, but for some reason as he did so, no voice clips were playing. This was all very suspicious. It could just be a glitch or something.

He then saw multiple platforms floating in midair, and he really didn't want to think about what could possibly be at the bottom.

It was then that...she appeared.

She was a creepy lady with horns, a black cloak, and unlimited dark magic. She was the mistress of all evil, the mere mention of her name sends chills down people's spine. Even Satan was terrified of her. Her name...Maleficent.

"Welcome, child~"

"What is this place?"

Riku wasn't at all intimidated however.

And Maleficent was not amused by his rudeness.

"Do you not know who it is you're addressing?! I am Maleficent, the queen of all evil! I am the darkest night, the sharpest blade, the one who shall be the undoing of all that is-"

"...So you're not going to tell me where we are?"

She was really surprised at this young boy. No one else ever dared to defy her, since she was an entity that was feared across the entire universe, and she was truly a force to be reckoned with.

...She definitely saw potential in him.

"All shall be revealed in due time."

"Why not now?"

Maleficent struggled to hold back her anger at his constant defiance.

"Because there is so much more that we have yet to discuss, dear child. I know what your heart desires."

"Oh really? And what does it want then?"

"For Kairi to meet her demise, once and for all."

Riku smirked a little, ready to get his revenge on the one who had put Sora through hell for so long. If working for Maleficent was the only option, then he would gladly take it. Besides, Maleficent was nowhere near as evil and dangerous as Kairi.

...

And now, back to the plot...

Sora was staring at the black screen.

Nothing was happening.

Literally.

Seriously, why was nothing happening.

Was the game glitched?

That can't be!

He then heard a booming female voice, one that felt strangely familiar...

"SIT UP STRAIGHT MAGGOT!"

"But the game is glitching I don't know how to stop it!" Sora cried instinctively, almost as if something like this has happened before.

The black screen faded away, and Kairi was standing by his bed.

Sora was sure that he would felt joy that Kairi was alive, but he also felt really...scared. He always assumed that Kairi was his friend, and that by obeying her commands during the "quests" given to him, he was being a good main character. But in the little time he's spent without being around Kairi, giving into her demands, he's felt really...happy. He's actually started to enjoy this jrpg after a tedious intro that's taken around ten years of servitude with Kairi to get through. It was like he didn't need to conceal his internal pain any longer.

But it seemed that deep down...he still felt the need to serve her. Like it's his obligation. His duty. And now that she was alive once again, he didn't know how to handle it.

"Hey there little boy~" Kairi prowled in a seductive voice.

Oh god...what is she planning? Sora thought to himself.

"You have a such a long hard key there~"

"Not really, it's just made of plastic..."

She must be ready to torture me with tedious fetch quests or something...

"I just wanna touch it so badly~"

"It's really nothing special..."

Oh no, what if she makes me collect more coconuts?

"Firmly grasp it and lick it all over~"

This was so odd...why wasn't Kairi being mad at me?

"Kairi, are you ok?"

Kairi then frowned, and Sora started to panic on the inside. Oh no, I've made her mad! Now she'll never give me my rewards for all those tedious fetch quests!

She then proceeded to bitchslap Sora, which was somehow more painful than the fireball to the face.

"What kind of jackass says another woman's name when he's being seduced?!"

Kairi's appearance started to change. Turns out it was never Kairi, but it was actually the Great Ninja Yuffie all along. Sora knew who she was, but he didn't really care that she was here. All that he could think was "meh".

"Yeah, he's such a heartless bastard," said Leon sarcastically in the back.

Sora's heart immediately started beating, and he was sure that he was going to start fanboying heavily once again even though he was really weak. Leon's sarcastic attitude there really reminded Sora of Riku. He always acted like that with Kairi when she was being annoying. I really miss Riku...Sora thought.

He then realized that he wasn't holding his key anymore. It was on the floor. So...if Sora wasn't holding the key, then why was Yuffie asking to touch it? How peculiar...

"Anyway, you're lucky that I was here to save you. The Heartless are dangerous creatures that will kill anyone upon contact."

...

"Awww aren't you all just the cutest little things ever!" said Gooby in a playful voice.

Around him, he was having fun playing with the Soldiers around him, who did tricks for Gooby as he gave them all treats. Their faces were full of happiness, their hearts were pounding with joy. They were all communicating with each other with their own adorable language, laughing and having fun together with Gooby.

"We should keep y'all as pets around the castle! It gets lonely with everyone being dead!"

The Soldiers started cheering happily, and eventually a Shadow appeared which Gooby had fun stroking on his lap, enjoying its adorable purrs.

Huh. I should probably look for Dolan now, Gooby thought to himself.

...

"That's why I had to take you here, and put away that little toy of yours."

"Although you're welcome to play with me anytime you want~"

"Yuffie, please. Stop."

"You didn't say that last night when I-"

"Please. Stop."

Yuffie scowled as both the gorgeous men in this room weren't letting her use their weapons.

Leon then grabbed Sora's weapon, eyeing it closely.

"Huh...I've definitely seen better weapons than this thing in my day," Leon said, chuckling a little. Sora ended up feeling very emasculated for some reason.

Although somehow, the weapon started sparkling, and it teleported into Sora's hand.

Sora was very shocked by that. Weapons don't usually return to the wielders hand like that do they...? Not unless...

"Oh my...this is amazing! I really AM the main character of this game! I must be the chosen one, the one who will save the worlds from falling into darkness!" Sora cheered happily, like there were absolutely no universe threatening problems at all.

Leon stared at Sora blankly.

"Do you have any idea what danger you're currently in?"

"But this is just the first stage of the game, it's not that hard!" said Sora.

"We are currently located in Traverse Town. This is where people go after their worlds have been destroyed by the darkness."

"DARKNESS?!"

"Yes, darkness. And this place has been invaded by these foul creatures constantly, it's become a ghost town now. I am its sole protector, dedicating my life to the safety of the few townspeople left. They smile everyday as a way to mask all the pain they feel deep inside their hearts."

"I thought they always smiled because of the limited facial expressions that NPC's can have."

"It's a coping mechanism to deal with the fact that their worlds have been destroyed, which has left everyone traumatized. Their homes, their loved ones, their possessions...all gone."

"Not to mention we're all just data, we don't actually have hearts."

"People are dying," said Leon angrily.

"What? Death isn't real! Once you fail, you can just try again."

"Can you please stop interrupting me when I'm trying to give you important info...? You'll need this to survive."

"Can I ask an important question?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Do you have any ice cream here?" Sora asked eagerly.

"...No."

"Awww, that's a shame, I really wanted to eat something off-screen. Oh, and what are Heartless?"

"Heartless are people without hearts. The name says it all, you know."

"Ahhh, that makes sense!"

"They seek the darkness (Sora interrupted by shouting DARKNESS?! once again, ready to fight) within hearts. And there is darkness ("DARKNESS?!") within every heart."

"Wait...if there is DARKNESS?! in everyone's heart, does this mean I need to kill everyone?" Sora asked innocently.

"Yeah, sure. Good luck killing people with that plastic toy of yours."

"There's always a way, Leon. All you need to do is learn their strategy and hit them in their weak point."

Leon didn't want to admit it, but that line scared him a little. Maybe Sora was more than just a defenceless little boy...

"Have you heard of someone named Ansem?" Yuffie asked.

"Ansem?"

"Yes, he was a total hunk with such rock hard abs, I wanted to touch and lick them all over and-"

"Anyway..." Leon interrupted. "He was a scientist who was studying the Heartless, and he made a report about them that scattered across the worlds somehow"

"He's gonna be the bad guy of this game, isn't he?" Sora asked sceptically.

"What...? Of course not! He is anything but! He's made great advancements in the fields of science which have benefitted people greatly!" Leon argued.

"If playing jrpg's all my life has taught me anything, it's that scientists are evil."

"Who cares, as long as he's sexy~" Yuffie prowled.

"Really, Yuffie, please stop. Just...stop"

"Or you could stop me with Stopga and use me as a-"

Leon just walked away annoyed before Yuffie could finish her sentence.

Sora then took the time to look at his oversized key, still annoyed at how he was literally given a plastic toy for a weapon. He was supposed to be a badass main character! And a key for a weapon is just stupid and impractical.

"It's not fair! Why was I given this pathetic thing, when Squall...I mean, Leon, has such a cool weapon?"

"Don't feel bad Sora~" said Yuffie. "As you get older your weapon will be a lot more powerful."

"So you're saying I need to grind for experience points?"

"Exactly! You just need more practice wielding it."

"Huh, I guess you're right..." said Sora, still not properly convinced.

"You know...I could give you lots of experience. One night with me and you'll become a pro in no time~"

Sora was intrigued by Yuffie's offer, since if he wanted to face the dangers ahead he needed to be as strong as possible. "Really?"

Yuffie started giggling a little.

"Indeed~ And don't feel bad...with a key like that, you could open all kinds of locks~"

"Wow, I never really thought of that!"

"And perhaps..." Yuffie started to lie on her bed, moving her body in...weird ways. "You could unlock something of mine-"

Before Sora could find out what that was, he felt himself being grabbed and pulled away from Leon.

"Ok, I really think you should leave now," said Leon, who seemed to be sweating a little.

"But aren't we hiding from the Heartless?" Sora asked. "And Yuffie was going to help-"

"Trust me...you're way safer out there than you are in here."