"Gawrsh, there's nobody here. Sure is spooky!" said Gooby.

Dolan immediately started to panic.

"Wait...a Nobody?! Where?!"

"Calm down, there's nobody here!"

Gooby's attempts to calm Dolan down clearly weren't working.

"I know, but where?!"

"Nowhere cause there's nobody here, hyuck!"

A feminine hand touched Dolan from behind, causing him to jump in fear.

"Excuse me...Did the king send you?" said Aerith.

"GAH! IT'S THE NOBODY!"

Dolan ran away in fright, while Gooby was just standing there confused.

"...What's a Nobody?"

...

Meanwhile...

A wild Soldier appeared!

Leon pointed his hand at the Heartless dramatically, ready to fight.

"Go, Sora!"

"Sora!" the young boy chirped happily, readying his Kiburado.

"Use Whack!" ordered Leon.

"SORA!" he screamed as he mashed the X button over and over again as always.

Heh, I knew playing Pokemon all these years would come in handy, Leon thought to himself.

"Yuffie, we have to go!"

"Awww but I wanted to watch you all touch blades!" she whined.

"Seriously Yuffie, not now!"

As she slammed the door open, Aerith chased after Yuffie, grateful that she could finally get away from those two...things.

And one of those two things was busy being squashed by the door, turned into a white, blue and yellow pancake.

"I hate my life," said Dolan.

"Me too, but we kinda live forever so we can't do anything about dat! Hyuck!"

"Gooby plz."

...

Sora and Leon ended up in the alleyway, where more Heartless kept flocking. Since this was a cutscene, they thankfully just hopped around and didn't do anything to attack.

"Don't bother with the small fry, go after the leader."

Instead of helping Sora, he left to do...well, I don't know.

"Their leader, huh..."

Sora looked around and glared at the lamppost angrily.

"I knew it! You were their leader all along, weren't you!"

...The lamppost said nothing.

"Don't you lie to me! You are the one who made the DARKNESS! attack!"

The lamppost still said nothing.

"I WILL END YOU!" Sora screeched as he proceeded to whack it repeatedly.

...

Moments later...

"That lamppost is truly a menacing opponent. His dark powers are beyond that of my expectations," Sora said to himself.

Once he stepped into the third district, he heard...nothing.

There was no music.

"Oh no, the music is gone!" said Sora, stating the obvious. "This could only mean one thing..."

Sora then heard screaming from up above.

"ALALAHYODHLAHLAH!"

"Gah! It's the leader!"

Dolan and Gooby then collapsed on Sora. It caused them all so much pain that stars literally started swirling around their heads. All of them saying "you suck" in a gruff manly voice over and over again.

It was then that the earth started rumbling, and the three fools looked up to see what was about to happen.

"Gooby, did you forget to have breakfast this morning?"

"It's not me Dolan! We can't even eat, hyuck!"

The area started to close off completely, they were all trapped.

Sora stood up and glanced at the two creatures before him. They...seriously disturbed him. Dolan was a disfigured abomination of Donald's face, and Gooby...he looked rather repulsive, like a Goofy that was ran over by a bus or something. Somehow they could talk without even moving their mouths, and the way they stared blankly into Sora's soul creeped him out a little.

It's ok...I can work with this. Even though they're really...really creepy, they're surely competent fighters at least.

"You two, the area has been sealed off. This means that a boss is coming. Are you both ready to fight?!" asked Sora excitedly, readying his Kiburado.

"No," they both said simultaneously.

...

The battle with the army of Soldiers had begun. But thankfully, with the Kiburado in hand, all would be ok in the-

"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU BOTH DOING?!" screamed Sora angrily.

...Ok I was wrong.

"We're supposed to be fighting the DARKNESS! Why are you both just standing there?"

"Sometimes we gotta just relax and admire the view!"

"Seriously, we are in a fight! How could your AI be this screwed up?"

"Gawrsh."

"Just focus on attacking them!"

"Ouchie ouch," said Dolan as he was lightly touched by the Soldier.

"Dolan stop being a wimp and do something!"

...See, there was a reason why the King saw these two as useless.

"Gooby! Stop petting the Heartless!"

"Dolan! Stop dying!"

"Gooby! Stop reciting Hitler speeches!"

"Dolan! Stop sitting on the couch and watching TV! You're not even fighting!"

"Gooby! Stop trying to figure out the meaning of life or I will end your life!"

"Gawrsh," said the two creatures simultaneously.

Sora had had enough. He would have to take matters into his own hands.

"Don't worry guys, I'm the main character. I can handle whatever they throw at us."

"Quack."

"Um...ok?"

...

Once the Heartless were finally defeated, a giant one appeared in front of them. It was a weird...disconfigured...chess piece armor thing?

"PUNY HUMANS," it said, it's voice full of reverb and intensity.

"It must be the leader!" said Sora.

"ALALAHYODHLAHLAH!" screamed Dolan.

"Guys, I know what dis is! Dis is dat Heartless folk known as the Guard Armor!"

"HA. HA. HA. YOU ARE MISTAKEN."

"Then what are you? State your name, fiend!" said Sora.

"YOU SEE, HUMAN, I AM THE LEADER."

"Ha! I knew you were the lead-"

"THE LEADER OF ALL LAMPPOSTS!"

Sora's mouth was agape, and Dolan and Gooby just stared blankly into space as usual.

"I knew it..." muttered Sora angrily, ready to destroy the mutated lamppost. "I knew that you lampposts couldn't be trusted!"

"NO ONE EVER SUSPECTED US, BECAUSE NO ONE EVER SAW IT COMING. THAT IS WHY HUMANS ARE DUMB."

"But...why? Why do you do this...?! You lampposts are supposed to be warriors of light!"

"FOR TOO LONG WE HAVE GUIDED YOU HUMANS WITH THE LIGHT. NOW WE SHALL GUIDE YOU WITH DARKNESS!"

"Darkness never shows the way, it only ever makes people lost!"

"NOT IF YOU EAT YOUR CARROTS. THAT WAY YOU CAN SEE THROUGH THE DARKNESS BETTER. BUT NO ONE EVER EATS THEIR CARROTS DO THEY? IT'S JUST TOO GROSS FOR THEIR INFERIOR TASTEBUDS, IS IT NOT?! WE LAMPPOSTS FIND THIS SICKENING!"

"Umm...I like carrots?" Gooby interjected.

"SHUT UP."

"I won't you get away with this! I have a toy key with a weird Engrish name that I'm not afraid to use!"

"HA. HA. HA. WHAT IS A MERE HUMAN WITH A TOY GOING TO DO AGAINST THE ALMIGHTY LAMPPOST KING?!"

With nothing to lose, Sora lunged at the traitorous lamppost, ready to exact his divine revenge by lightly whacking it into submission with his toy key. He was ready to spam his combos until...

It fell apart.

"GAH. WHY HAS MY BODY BETRAYED ME SO?!"

"Garwsh, Sora didn't even touch dat thang and it already fell apart! It's even weaker than you Dolan!"

"Shuddup you big palooka."

"HUMANS. HELP ME REASSEMBLE!"

"Sure thing!," Sora chirped happily. "Anything for a decent fight."

"Sora, no!" Dolan and Gooby warned, as Sora helped the enemy be put back together.

As Sora was helping to put the lamppost back together, Dolan and Gooby knew that they had to do something before it was restored.

"Any ideas Gooby?"

"Hyuck, don't lampposts run on dem battery things?"

"Wow, you're right? ...Does electricity even exist in this world?"

"Garwsh, I dunno."

"I COMMAND YOU TO HELP ME."

Dolan ran towards the middle part of the broken lampposts while Sora struggled to pick up it's feet.

"Huff, huff, huff, why is this so heavy?!" Sora complained, unable to pick it up no matter how hard he tried.

"WHY MUST YOU HUMANS BE SO PATHETIC?!"

Dolan on the other hand managed to (somehow) flip one of the parts on its back, and directed towards the Heartless logo in the centre. Below there was a small line which read

Copyright: the darkness. Made in darkness.

Dolan (somehow) got out his trusty screwdriver, screaming "Aha!" as he did so.

"Hey, can someone please help me with this...? Riku? Anyone?" asked Sora.

"I ORDER YOU TO ALL HELP ME! ...PLEASE?"

Dolan's screwdriver started to glow, and the logo started to open. On the inside, there were two batteries. Batteries of darkness, no doubt.

(Somehow) Dolan managed to pull them out, thus ridding the evil lamppost of its power source.

"WHAT...NO! NOT MY BATTERIES! POWER SOURCE...CUT OFF...HUMANS...WHYYYYYYYY..."

The creature began to shake uncontrollably, as it was slowly and painfully being shut down.

"DAMMIT WHY AM I BEING SET TO VIBRAAAAAAATE-"

And then it exploded.

"Oh my Light, I won!" Sora screamed triumphantly.

You couldn't see it since Dolan couldn't move his face, but he was pretty mad.

"Hey, I was the one who-"

"Yep! I, the main character, has defeated the foul creature of DARKNESS! "

"But I-"

"I don't even know how I did it, but I know that I truly am the chosen warrior of the Kiburado (I still want a gunblade instead though), that will put an end to the DARKNESS! once and for all!"

"Eh. Whatever."

Meanwhile Gooby kept reciting Hitler speeches in the backgrounds.

"Gooby please do that later, we've finally found what we've been looking for!"

It took a few seconds for Gooby to remember what that was.

"Oooh right! The key!"

"Guys, this really isn't a key. It's some toy that some floating text gave to me."

"...That's stupid," said Dolan.

"I know right? Like...I'm supposed to be the chosen one! And this is something that little kids use. Seriously, a wooden sword would be more deadly than this. How can this thing defeat the forces of DARKNESS?!"

"Maybe they're all just cosplayers in disguise."

"What's a cosplayer?" asked Sora.

"You're too young to know dem things, hyuck!"

"Hey, there is nothing wrong with cosplaying as your favourite Final Fantasy character," someone said from the background.

The three looked, and there was Squall! I mean, Leon! And Yuffie!

"Wait...you're not Squall?!" Dolan and Gooby said at the same time, completely shocked.

No one could say for certain, but everyone swore that they heard Squall mutter "I wish I was" under his breath.

"Heheh, I love having sex in this costume~" Yuffie purred.

Leon glanced at Yuffie angrily, tired of her constant lewdness that was way too mature and inappropriate for anyone reading this.

"I think that's enough for one day, 'Yuffie'."

Yuffie just smirked fiendishly, seemingly ready to strip off what little clothes she already had on.

"You weren't complaining that one time when I-"

"Seriously Yuffie," Leon said, staring at the ground. "Please stop."

"I still don't know what a cosplayer is," Sora said innocently. "And what were you doing off screen when I was fighting that evil lamppost?"

"Doing stuff. Stuff to protect the lives of the inhabitants here. Well...the seven that are left."

"Does it have anything to do with the plot?"

"Uhh...no?"

"Ah ok. I was just checking."

"Oh, and I still haven't fined you for trying to damage public property," said Leon, chuckling a little.

"Awwwww!" Sora whined in disappointment. Meanwhile Dolan and Gooby started laughing.

Laughing...him and Riku used to laugh...not with Kairi of course, she prohibited it.

Sora then started to look down at the floor, feeling rather sad and alone.

"Garwsh, he seems to be sad," Gooby said, pointing out the obvious.

"Angst does not suit him at all," Dolan said in response.

"I really miss Riku..."

He then made another realization that caused him to panic, breathing heavily to the point where he clutched his heart with his hand.

"OH MY GOD, I'M STUCK IN ANOTHER DIMENSION!" he screamed.

"No need for capital letters Sora! We have a ship to go to all dem other worlds!"

"Sure the ship sequences are literal suffering that only waste your time and suck the happiness right out of your soul, but hey, nothing's perfect!"

Sora's breathing became less erratic, and he even smiled a little. Maybe these two creatures weren't so bad after all. It was like that movie where there's an ugly guy who's actually beautiful on the inside. And the book that inspired that movie which no one has ever heard of.

"So...these worlds...what are they like?" Sora asked.

"Hyuck, they're all Disney worlds!"

"All of them are owned by the King, due to copyright laws and control over the media, economy and government!"

Sora was silent for a moment.

"...Disney worlds?"

"Yeah!" said Dolan and Gooby simultaneously.

There was a slight drumroll, and then...it arrived.

Sora's overly cartoonish happy face.

His wide smile, the way his eyes rolled at the back of his head, the limited PS2 graphics. All of it disturbed everyone who had the misfortune of witnessing it to the very core. It was just...so...words could not describe the pure terror, disgust, and cringe that everyone felt within their hearts. Everyone was visibly grossed out.

"...Garwsh."

"ALALAHYODHLAHLAH!"

"...I think I'm going to be sick."

"I'm pretty sure that I'm having a reverse lady-boner right now."

But Sora didn't even listen to these comments, he was too busy goofily grinning, bringing pain and misery across the land because of it.

"Sora please stop, you're freaking everyone out," asked Dolan.

"Uuuh gys oi cnt mve my fce," said Sora as he kept grinning like a madman.

"Oh god, we have to help Sora!"

"Of course, cause after all, we're all friends now, hyuck!"

"Actually I just really want him to stop grinning, it's really really creepy."

So Gooby did the thing that only a true friend would do. Grab Dolan's stick and whack Sora with it. Thankfully they were both so weak that Sora didn't lose any HP whatsoever. It did cure Sora of his face freeze problem however.

"Thanks Gooby! I didn't know that glitches could be so deadly," said Sora, shuddering a little.

"No problem! Us friends gotta stick together!"

"Exactly! You always need someone in your life to not heal you when you need it, so you can spend all your time complaining about it and making jokes about it for people to laugh at! That's the true meaning of friendship!" said Dolan.

Sora smiled at his two new friends, feeling confident that everything would be all ok.

"Before we go...I kinda need to ramble since I've been holding it in for a while. Do you guys mind?"

"Not at all!" the two said in response.

"Ok, here goes..."

Sora took a long deep breath.

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT'S DONALD AND GOOFY BUT OK NOT REALLY BUT STILL IMMA GONNA GO DISNEY WORLDS AND I ACTUALLY MADE FRIENDS WITH FINAL FANTASY CHARACTERS EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE JUST COSPLAYERS I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE BUT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THIS IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING EVER AND I'M TOTALLY GONNA GO ON A COOL JOURNEY AND FIGHT THE DARKNESS! CAUSE I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER AND I'M GONNA SAVE THE MONKEY MAN IN THE EIGHTH DIMENSION LIKE SERIOUSLY I AM LITERALLY FREAKING OUT I THINK I MAY HAVE MENTAL ISSUES OH MY GOD I'M ACTUALLY THE CHOSEN ONE LIKE I'M THE WARRIOR THAT WIELDS THE LEGENDARY WEAPON AND LITERALLY ONLY ONE OF THEM EXISTS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVEN THOUGH IT'S JUST A HARMLESS TOY BUT SOMEHOW IT DEFEATS THE DARKNESS! AND-"

...

Meanwhile, far away...

All the Disney villains were united, Maleficent had summoned all of them in one place, where they would exact their evil plots onto the worlds and take control of the universe. At least...that's what Maleficent had hoped for.

"Greetings, everyone!" said the evil Maleficent, excited to begin plotting with her comrades.

"Why have I been summoned here? I have street rats to be dealing with."

"I'm just happy to be away from that blasted Peter Pan!"

"I'd also rather be here than have aquatic creatures sing. Trust me it gets old over time."

"Hey at least you don't have to deal with GODS of all things."

"I just want candy."

"Silence!" ordered Maleficent. "Have you all forgotten our Maleficent's House of Villains Meeting?!"

"No one cares about that anymore dear."

Maleficent was shocked and enraged, no one was ever allowed to speak to her like that. Not a villain of the highest calibre.

"What?! How dare you!" she shouted.

"It just hasn't been the same since Cruella died."

"Not that it was surprising. She has no powers of her own, after all. Come to think of it, why isn't Oogie Boogie dead yet?"

"That can be arranged~"

"But we need someone to be our mascot~"

"There's also the fact that Mickey is a way better villain than you are."

"W-what?! That's blasphemy! I am way more malicious than that dirty little rat! And together, as a united force, we will take his throne!"

"I just really want candy."

"...Why is it so dark here? Can't someone turn on a light?" said a teenage boy from afar, which made all the villains except Maleficent laugh.

"Riku! What are you doing here?! This is a club for villains only!" asked Maleficent angrily at her adopted son (kinda).

"Uhh, I let my own island be destroyed. I think I'm more than qualified to sit at the grown-up table," Riku said smugly.

Maleficent merely cackled at this, until she heard the remarks of all the other villains.

"Who would have thought that the great Maleficent was running a day-care centre?"

"Does the day-care centre sell candy?"

Maleficent merely grinned evilly at their words.

"Now, now...there is potential in everyone to be a villain. One can certainly learn the ins and the outs. Riku hear is no exception. He is still young, we must mould him into becoming a worthy successor!"

"I'm pretty sure I already surpass you in terms of looks," said Riku coldly.

Trying to let Riku's comment slide, Maleficent knew that work had to be done if Riku was ever able to reach her level of villainry. Not that that was actually possible.

"There are still things that you must learn, dear boy. Things that I shall teach you with the power of song!"

"Wait...what?"

All the villains cringed at her words, but none moreso than Riku. It only got worse when the music started playing, and Maleficent started dancing to it.

"Oh god, this is actually happening."

"Yes, it has begun!"

"Maleficent I really don't want to do this."

"Too bad!"

And thus, hell for Riku and the other villains had begun.

Don't you wanna be evil like me?

Don't you wanna be mean?

"Please stop."

Don't you wanna make mischief your daily routine?

"I just want to you to stop."

"Lalalalalalala~"

"Oh god."

"Lalalalalalalalaaaaah~"

"Ok I will literally get on my knees and beg if you want."

"MimimimimimiMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

It was then that Maleficent had finally stopped. And Riku could finally stop being a part of some shitty musical. The only thing Riku hated more than Kairi, was fucking musicals. He has had multiple nightmares of people spontaneously singing for no reason, and it still scared him to this day.

Riku saw (despite the room being pitch black) that all the villains were gone. Despite still being a little shaken from the singing, he was amazed.

"Maleficent...did you?-"

"Yes, I did," she replied, smirking evilly. "I purposely drove everyone away with that song, it was my plan the whole time. To be a villain, you must figure out someone's weakness and exploit until they give up all hope! Then, and only then, will they be at your mercy."

Riku realized that being at Maleficent's side might be useful after all. For disposing of Kairi once and for all, for finding and saving Sora...he knew that to do that he had to get his hands a little dirty.

He smiled fiendishly at Maleficent, thankful for her words of wisdom.

I'm still totally gonna betray her in the end though, Riku thought to himself.