And so, Sora, Dolan and Gooby sailed off on their doom ship to all the worlds owned by all-powerful Disney corporation.
...Because yes.
Sora wanted nothing more than to relive his childhood that consisted mostly of Disney and Final Fantasy (what a coincidence) in the real world...or worlds, with his two new best friends, Dolan and Gooby. What's that? He's supposed to be on a quest to stop the darkness and save his friends? Ha. Don't expect any of that until near the end of the game or something.
Now, in this present moment, we find the three idiots piloting their doom ship through the depths of spaaaaace.
They all hated it.
Especially Sora and Dolan did nothing but complain the whole time as they suffered through pointless filler that existed only to pad out the game. It got to the point where even Gooby was annoyed at both of them.
"Darnit, why do these missions even exist?" Sora whined.
"Apparently if you do them all you get some kind of trophy! A shiiiiny trophy~" said Dolan, drooling a little.
"But how would a trophy help in combat? What purpose does it have?"
"Gawrsh if you start questioning those kinda things Sora, you might go too far and realize that achieving something in dem video games means nothing in the real world, hyuck!"
Thankfully Sora was too busy wanting to finally reach the next world to hear what Gooby just said.
It felt like they were on that road for an eternity and a half. Really, it just kept on going.
"Seriously, this thing moves so slowly!" Sora complained as he tried moving the miserable little pile of polygons. "Not to mention that it's hard to hit enemies, and I take so much damage! What gives?"
"Well it was made by Satan," said Dolan informatively.
"Who's Satan? Is he a Heartless?!"
"Nah, he's actually a nice guy once ya get to know him!"
"Garwsh Sora, maybe if you customized your ship more you'd have an easier time!" Gooby suggested.
Sora grunted a little at Gooby's comment.
"I don't have time for thaaaat! And even if I did I just don't...care enough..."
"But if ya do that then you wouldn't complain as much and the routes would be far easier, hyuck!"
"But I don't wanna do that!"
"No one cares, Sora."
"You guys are a little mean..."
"Dolan's just in a bad mood cause of dat cricket that keeps following us around. For some reason it has a journal and it keeps watching us...menacingly."
"That's unusual," said Sora, stating the obvious, something that wasn't unusual.
"Nah we get weird stuff at the palace all the time! We get weird creatures known as "police" on our doorstep to "arrest" the King, whatever that means," said Dolan.
"Wow, really?!" Sora asked, not entirely understand what Dolan was talking about either.
"Yep! But all we need to do to beat them is to give to them munny until they go away! I wonder why. Maybe you should try giving munny to enemies Sora!"
"Nah, they usually just take it from you if you lose. They only take half of it though, so you'll still have some left once you return from the game over screen."
"Garwsh, that's oddly specific," said Gooby.
"I know right. Games are way too easy these days!"
"But you were just complaining about the gummi routes a moment ago," said Gooby innocently.
...There was a moment of silence.
...
Finally, after 600 words of filler, they made it to their first Disney world: Alice in Wonderland.
"Woo! Now that the filler is over, we can finally get to the main plot of the game!" Sora cheered happily.
As the gummi ship flew towards the adorable planet, and all three of our heroes relieved that the gummi route was finally over, Sora's excitement of the whole endeavor was just too much. He was so close, he was about to-
"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GREAT I GET TO SEE ALICE AND THE MAD HATTER AND ALL THAT AND SERIOUSLY FOR LIGHT'S SAKE I CAN'T EVEN I'M SO EXCITED-"
"Sora, plz stop," Dolan whined in a grammatically incorrect fashion.
"Oh, and one more thing before we land in dat world!"
"What is it Gooby?"
"...Can we get a sandwich while we're there? Jiminy ate mine."
"Forget about the sandwiches Gooby!" Dolan demanded. "What he was supposed to say was that we can't let people from other worlds know that we're from other worlds! We gotta protect the world border!"
"Are ya sure it isn't world order?"
"Whadda you know ya big palooka?"
"Garwsh."
"But...are you sure we could blend in properly? I kinda look like a Squaresoft character," said Sora, sounding slightly proud of himself.
"No," Dolan replied.
"Then why are we-"
"LET'S GO!" Dolan and Gooby cheered simultaneously as they FINALLY reached Wonderland.
...
And then they were in Wonderland.
They ended up falling down the rabbit hole. But of course, there were no injuries whatsoever thanks to Sora's presence.
"Wow, it sure it good that my main character powers prevent us from getting hurt during a cutscene!" said Sora.
"Yeah keep telling yourself that ya big palooka," Dolan muttered under his breath.
It was then that they saw a strange looking rabbit with a suit. ...Yeah.
"Oh gosh I'm late I'm late I'm late! If I don't get there on time me bloomin' heads gonna be chopped off!"
The White Rabbit then realized that there were three figures from the outside world surrounding him.
"Oh my, who may you chaps be?"
Sora then remembered what Dolan said about protecting the world border to make sure that people didn't realize they were from other worlds.
"Hey there! We're...umm...we are definitely not from other worlds!"
I'm sure you expected Sora to say something like "I'm Sora, this is Dolan, and that's Gooby." But no, that won't be until Kingudamu Hatsu II.
Meanwhile, the White Rabbit eyed the trio suspiciously.
"Well you blokes better be careful, the queen is a nasty piece of-"
"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD," Sora suddenly shouted unexpectedly, causing the White Rabbit to panic. With no hesitation, Sora proceeded to hug the White Rabbit affectionally to death, still rambling as he did so.
"LIKE REALLY OH MY LIGHT I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ACTUALLY YOU I SAW YOU IN THE MOVIE AND NOW YOU'RE HERE! AND THIS IS LIKE OH MY GOD-"
The White Rabbit couldn't breathe due to being so ensnared in Sora's love.
"Y-you're...s-suffocating me..."
"Gawrsh."
"Soraaaaa! Put him down!"
Sora eventually came to his senses and placed the rabbit back on the ground.
"I...uh...sorry about that," said Sora, chuckling nervously.
The White Rabbit was still unconscious. He was still breathing though, somehow.
"You really need to learn how to control yourself Sora!" Gooby warned.
"Wait...why didn't you hug me like that when we first met?! Dolan complained.
...
And so they made it to a door. And when the door opened it became another door. And another door. And then one last door.
"Why are there so many doors?" Sora asked.
"Because it's wonderland. Duh. Everything here is wonderful!"
"I don't see what that has to do with it Dolan..."
"Yeah, you're right. This world sucks. It should be called wonderless land," Dolan complained. "No one even wears pants in this world. Any world without pants suck."
"Ok but what does...never mind."
They then entered a bizarre room where everything was way too small for some reason. Sora wondered if he could stomp on any mini Heartless that might show up with his giant shoes. That would be a fun thing to do.
The three looked down and saw a sleeping doorknob, snoring away like no one was around. Clearly it would be rude to just wake him up-
"HEY! DOORFACE! WHY DO YA HAVE A MUSTACHE ON YOUR HEAD?!" Dolan asked loudly, loudly awaking Doorface's reply.
It then started to wake up, getting really annoyed. If it wasn't a door with a face and it actually had appendages, it would be slapping these morons right about now.
"Oh no...who are these idiots?" he mumbled to himself.
Oh god, another person asking who we are...Sora thought to himself. I need to act natural, act like I've been here my whole life...
"GREETINGS!" said Sora, trying to fake a British accent, speaking in a loud voice to sound more convincing...and doing terribly at it. "WE ARE INHABITANTS OF THE WORLD, AND WE ARE CERTAINLY NOT OUTSIDERS! AS YOU CAN CLEARLY TELL BY MY ANTHROPOMORPHIC FRIENDS AND MY TOTALLY REAL BRITISH ACCENT! DO YOU HAVE ANY TEA AROUND THESE PARTS, GOOD FELLOW?"
"Garwsh, I don't think your fake accent is working Sora."
"Hey! Riku said it was cute when I did it!"
"You woke me up from my nap for this?" Doorface complained angrily.
"Good morning!" said Gooby.
Sora, Dolan and Doorface just stared at him for a moment.
"...I thought it was morning by now."
"Just when I think you couldn't be any stupider," said Dolan.
Doorface just sighed, not really giving a crap about any of this.
"Look if you wanna drink there's the bottle, I hope you choke on it," Doorface said spitefully, before going back to sleep.
"Thanks Doorface!" Sora said happily. "Such a delightful NPC."
The table and bottles then magically appeared (was Doorface magic or something...?), and Sora smiled as he reminisced about his childhood spent indoors watching movies and playing games, which explained why he was so goddamn weak.
"Guys I know what to do! If we drink this, we'll turn small!"
"Garwsh, how did ya know that?"
"I watched the movie, I know everything there is to know~"
Dolan looked confused at what Sora said.
"...What movie?"
Not knowing how to respond to that, Sora then drank the potion...which somehow turned all three of them small. Once they were all stood on the table, they realized that Sora was right, they had indeed shrunk.
"Garwsh, we must be so adorable being small and all!"
"You? Adorable? Hah. I'm the cute one," said Dolan.
"That may be true, but I'm a JRPG character, and that makes me the adorable one," said Sora pridefully.
"...He's got a point Dolan."
"Yeah, obviously Sora was gonna win. Squaresoft guys are way too sexy to compete with."
And then, the Heartless appeared, and the trio readied their weapons.
"Garwsh, maybe these guys think that Sora's cute too."
...
The three ended up going against waves of Shadows. Nothing too hard, it was basically the Goomba of the Kingdom Hearts universe. As usual, Sora was the only one doing the fighting. Nothing out of the ordinary.
As they (or rather, as Sora) kept defeating wave after wave, he started to get a bit tired of this.
"How many waves are there exactly?"
"I dunno."
"Yeah, great answer Gooby. Ah well, I'll heal you anyway even though you're at full health."
Sora was thankful that his health was full as well. Otherwise, he would have been pretty mad at Dolan.
Once Dolan casted Cure on the already completely healthy Gooby, all the Shadows were gone. But the battle music kept playing...what was going on?
It was then...that they appeared.
More Shadows. Sound harmless right?
But these weren't just any Shadows.
No.
These were GIANT Shadows.
As they emerged from the ground, purring happily like kittens as they looked down on Sora, Sora just stood there, completely paralyzed with fear.
"I...I..."
Sora had no idea what to do.
Oh wait. He did.
RUN LIKE HECK.
Sora grabbed Dolan and Gooby's hands (since they were too busy not running like heck) and sprinted off from the terrifying giant Shadows.
"Gawrsh Sora, what's the rush?"
"WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY KILL US ALL!"
"Awwww but I wanted to ride one!"
"Gooby do you realized how messed up that sounds?!" Dolan shouted as he was being dragged out of the Bizzare Room.
"Uhh...no?
As they kept being chased by the adorable yet terrifying Gigas Shadows, Sora finally managed to make it out after running around in different directions like an idiot. When Sora went through the hole in the wall, he ended up in a lush green valley...with a ceiling? Seriously, it was almost like Sora could climb up the bushes and touch it. Thankfully since he was in a new area, Sora knew that there would be no Heartless around.
Oh, and turns out he was also in a cutscene! How oddly convenient.
The card soldiers gracefully let the three pass to see a small child be put on trial.
"Wow, thank you so much card soldiers! I thought you'd try to kill us or something."
The White Rabbit was also miraculously ok after being hugged to death by Sora! That was also oddly convenient.
He blew on the big, shiny trumpet, ready to start to the trial.
"Court is now in session!"
Sadly no one could hear him.
"Uhh...could you speak up?" a card Soldier asked.
"I said court is now in session!"
"I didn't hear any of that."
The White Rabbit huffed and panted from exhaustion, but he channelled all his energy to make one last screech.
"COURT IS NOW IN SESSIOOOOOON!"
There was a moment of silence.
"...I still didn't hear it. Did you hear it 9?"
"No I didn't 3. What about you 7?"
"Not a thing. Then again we don't have ears."
"Ah, right."
The young girl known as Alice was shocked at what was going on, but due to her limited PS2 model, her facial expression wasn't any different than usual.
"I'm on trial? But why?"
The camera then panned on the Queen of Hearts, who looked more like a single soccer mom instead of a creepy fantastical monarch based on Queen Victoria. The fact that she was holding a fucking heart shaped lollipop of all things didn't help.
"BECAUSE ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!"
"But I fell into the rabbit hole and ended up here! How could I still be in Britain-"
"ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!"
"I propose that you reconsider!" said Alice.
"THIS LOLLIPOP IS QUITE DELICIOUS. BUT IT IS NOT AS DELICIOUS AS TEA, WHICH IS MORE DELICIOUS."
Sora was very confused at all this nonsense that was going on in front of him.
"I...I don't remember the movie being like this. How could this all be so different from the original source material?"
"Garwsh Sora, I think it might be because of the darkness that affects all dem worlds. You see, cause of the darkness the worlds have all twisted and distorted, hyuck! It's quite sad really."
"Of course it was the DARKNESS! I should have known."
"TEA! I DRINK TEA! BECAUSE I AM BRITISH!" the Queen of Hearts shouted.
"Hyuck, see what I mean? The darkness is truly a force to be reckoned with. And to think, this movie was once a masterpiece, now the darkness has turned it into a parody of its former self, just like the rest of the universe."
Sora was shocked. He knew that the darkness was the source of evil, but he didn't think that it was THIS bad...
"You may the queen, but that doesn't give you the right to be so...so mean!" Alice shouted politely.
"Wow, that comeback was terrible!" said Dolan.
"Must be the DARKNESS!" said Sora bitterly. "We should help her!"
"But wouldn't that be muddling?" asked Dolan.
"Don'tcha mean meddling Dolan?" Gooby replied.
"Shuddup, no one cares."
"We have to do it! Or rather, I have to. Because I'm the main character, and it's my job to help any and all NPC's! We might get a cool reward if we do!"
"Hey I wonder why the card soldiers haven't noticed us yet?" Gooby suddenly asked.
"It's cause we don't have ears," said 7. "Hey wait..."
All the card soldiers turned around and readied their spears.
"Outsiders!"
"Impossible!"
"God almighty!"
"You three! State your business!"
Sora confidently walked up towards the soldiers, ready to take them on if necessary.
"Let Alice go! She's innocent!"
Alice gasped in surprise, starting to immediately feel attraction towards the beautiful boy with the toy key in his hands.
"Oh my, a Japanese fellow has come to rescue me! I am so honoured!"
"Don't worry Alice, I'm here to save you! I would die for you if I had to!"
Alice looked a little concerned.
"You don't have to go to that trouble, really..."
"It's alright, whenever my HP reaches zero I get the option to respawn, so the laws of life and death don't apply to me!"
"I..I don't think that's how it works."
"SILENCE! YOU AND YOUR JAPANESE WAYS, THEY SICKEN ME SO! Put Alice in jail at once!"
And so, Alice was put in jail. Unfortunately for Sora, it happened off screen so he was powerless to do anything about it.
"Oh no, Alice is in jail!" said Gooby, pointing out the obvious.
"Hey Sora, why don't you use that key thing ya got there to open the cage and let her out?"
Sora sighed a little.
"It can't open stuff, it's just a toy! It's about as useless as you tw- I mean...it's as useless as any magic spell other than Cure."
"Sad, but true," said Dolan.
"Anyway, please Queen of Hearts! Let Alice go!" Sora pleaded.
"Only if you gather enough proof that she is innocent! Only THEN will I consider it. If you fail it's OFF WITH YOUR HEADS! OH, AND ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!"
Wait...
It was then that Sora realized the dark truth of what the Queen of Hearts was asking Sora to do.
It wasn't just finding proof for Alice's innocence.
She made Sora go on...
A fetch quest.
He had already been on so many thanks to Kairi in Destiny Islands, the two in the intro were only two of hundreds if not thousands, now he had to deal with THIS too?!
One of the most tedious parts of a JRPG...well, I guess this was to be expected, Sora thought to himself.
"Garwsh, Sora seems really sad."
"Nah, he's fine!"
"I am very sad," said Sora.
At least now he'll stop smiling, Dolan thought to himself.