o~O~o
Enigmas and Enlightenment
o~O~o

Six Weeks Later…

Jesse woke up with a smile on his face. As he opened a lazy eye, he stretched and looked at the clock, noting the time. As he rolled over, he noticed something on one of his pillowcases, something that shouldn't be there. A flush of panic flooded his system as he tried to control his eyes bulging out of his head. He was pretty sure he had been alone when he went to bed the night before but judging by the mop of hair next to him, he wasn't alone now. Rubbing his hand over his face, he wanted to cry. He'd tried so hard to be one with the program and he'd clearly violated the code of ethics recited to him the first day. He thought he was ready to face the last day, but now he wasn't so sure. He headed off to the shower feeling strange and violated.

Showering quickly, he wrapped the towel around his waist and entered his bedroom. He wanted the girl out of his room so he could think. As he walked back into his room he noticed she was gone and that something was on the floor that he hadn't noticed when he woke up. He walked over and picked it up. Someone had been in his room and he wasn't sure why. He looked over at the door, it was locked. How had she gotten out of the room and locked the door without a key? Even more confused than he was before, he sat on the edge of his bed and rubbed his temples. He had one last counseling session with Dr. Johnson and he needed to make this meeting count. If he had broken his vow to Beca, he needed to talk to Dr. Johnson about it and quickly.

As he packed his things, he thought back to the events of the evening before and his good mood suddenly turned sour. He took several deep breaths; he had been taught to control his emotions and reactions, and to take himself to his happy place. At first, he had thought of the training as rather childlike and he struggled to understand how removing the negative thoughts from his mind would help.

He was finding it difficult to find a pleasant memory that didn't involve Beca. She was one of the catalysts of his problems yet his favorite place to be was Beca's kitchen on a sunny Saturday afternoon watching her work as she made dinner. Her iPod would play tracks from the 80's right through to her own, occasionally unreleased, private album and he really enjoyed them singing together.

A full two minutes passed before the fog of anger and anxiety had passed and he was able to rationally think about the night before. He wasn't sure what the hell would happen once he said something and actually vocalized the events. Hell… he wasn't even sure what happened. As he brushed his hair, he began to think more logically; 'Should I just let it go?' 'Should I say something?'. 'Did I relapse?'

Jesse was sure that he'd never been more confused than he was at that very moment and that included the past few months of him living on the streets. He honestly didn't know what he was going to do but decided to let the day play out and he would see where it took him. Shaking it off, Jesse continued packing before getting dressed and heading out to his appointment.

Jesse waved at Sandra, the receptionist, as he walked quickly past on his way through the main concourse of the building on his way to Dr. Johnson's office. Normally he would have stopped for a quick chat but he was already running late. Finally reaching the end of the hall, he knocked on the door with the gold nameplate that read 'Dr. Nina Johnson'. As he stood and waited for the ok to walk in, he wondered if Dr. Johnson was even in her office as she was usually very efficient with her greeting.

"Come in!" Dr. Johnson called and looked around the door as it opened. "Oh, good morning Jesse."

"Morning." Jesse mumbled, looking to the floor as he closed the door behind him.

"You're late." Dr. Johnson said curtly.

"Sorry, I was packing. I leave right after our session."

"It's quite alright. I was worried you wouldn't show at all." Dr. Johnson said, a little softer after Jesse's apology.

"I just lost track of time." Jesse said, knowing his excuse was weak.

"No problem." Dr. Johnson said opening Jesse's file on her computer and quickly scanning the first couple of notes. "So… as you said, this is your last session before you leave. How are you feeling?" She asked.

"Apprehensive." Jesse said honestly and watched one of Dr. Johnson's eyebrows shoot up into her hairline.

"Why do you think that is?" She questioned, resting her elbows on her desk and linking her fingers together.

"I'm worried about being out in the real world and not being able to stay strong enough to resist urges."

"That's understandable but remember, a condition of your leaving is that you attend at least one meeting per week."

"I remember."

"That's going to help more than you think." She reminded him, looking at him over the top of her glasses. "And remember, you're required to go to just one meeting a week, but there's nothing stopping you from going several times a week if you feel like it."

"I hope so."

"You can always come back here if you need to."

"Thanks, but if I relapse I don't think Beca will be as generous the second time. I've already had my fill of chances."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Dr. J… she kicked my ass out once, she won't be afraid to do it again."

"Jesse, she is a very sweet girl but you're right, she's not going to let you take advantage of her. If there's one thing I learned about Beca when she attended the family sessions with you is that she's not a pushover. You are going to have to work hard to give her the respect she deserves but also ascertain your place in her world without being weak."

Jesse looked out of the window and gradually managed to zone out as Dr. Johnson began firing questions at him. He really tried to talk about his feelings on demand, but sometimes he just wanted to keep certain things to himself. He had a right to some privacy. He began thinking about the events that had him questioning everything. What he wanted more than anything was to leave. He wanted to wrap Beca in a big bear hug and thank her for everything she had done for him. Part of thanking her for her trouble and support could be shown by being honest and he wasn't sure how she would react to what he was going to tell her, and he definitely had to tell her. But he couldn't remember anything about the night before, so what was he going to tell her exactly?

Beca was the reason he was alive; he was convinced of that. He didn't want to think about what would have happened to him had she not stopped to check on him all those weeks ago. He wasn't in a good place and there was no way that she could have known that he was actually contemplating suicide. At that point, he had nothing to live for, he was hurting all over and the final straw was a stray dog using his leg for a toilet.

Like the angel Beca was, she showed up out of no where and saved him and he would be eternally grateful to her for helping him get clean and sober. He felt sick at the thought of what may have happened the previous night and groaned audibly. Had he fucked up yet again?

"Jesse! Are you still with me?" Dr. Johnson asked.

"Oh, yeah… sorry." Jesse rubbed his face, and looked at her. "What did you say?"

"I said you're distant… distracted even. What's going on?"

"Oh… yeah so… umm... I need to tell you something."

Jesse was nervous but went on to tell Dr. Johnson what greeted him earlier that morning. She looked horrified as he sang like a canary. She was jotting down notes left and right. If her pen had moved any faster, the paper may have actually caught on fire. When Jesse was finished telling her what happened, Dr. Johnson called the director, Dr. Tom Campbell, to join them.

Jesse had to rehash the story all over again for Dr. Campbell, who promptly asked for a urine sample and a blood draw. He collected the samples and told Jesse he would personally call him with the results by the end of business on Monday. Before walking out Dr. Johnson's office, Dr. Campbell assured Jesse the situation would be looked into and dealt with accordingly.

After the director excused himself, Dr. Johnson watched Jesse for a moment before asking, "Are you feeling any better now?"

"Yes, I am, thank you."

She still wasn't convinced. "So, you really don't remember anything?"

"Dr. J, I swear… I don't remember a thing."

Dr. Johnson nodded. Jesse hadn't been dishonest with her before so she had no reason to believe that he was being dishonest with her now. "I assure you, Dr. Campbell will get to the bottom of this."

"I can still go home today… right?" Jesse asked with the smallest of hints of worry in his voice.

"Yes, you can go home."

Jesse looked visibly relieved.

"Jesse, I know leaving the protection of these walls is a scary thought but we wouldn't let you go unless you were completely ready." Dr. Johnson continued as she pushed her chair away from her desk, stood up, smoothed down her skirt and walked around to the other side of the room where Jesse was perched on the overstuffed chair. She leaned against her desk and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"I know and I'm ready to go home."

"It's good that you feel you can call someplace home."

"I agree." Jesse said, honestly. "I know once I'm out of here, everything will be ok."

"You have my office number Jesse." Dr. Johnson said, standing up. She held out her hand and Jesse sprung to his feet and wiped his hand on the front of his pants before taking her hand in his.

"I do." He said calmly. He nodded his goodbye and turned to leave. As soon as his hand reached the door handle, Dr. Johnson spoke again.

"Jesse..."

"Yes?" He said, looking over his shoulder at her.

"You dropped something." She told him as she bent down to pick up the piece of paper that fell from his pocket. Opening the piece of paper she asked, "Do you need this phone number?"

"No… it's trash." Jesse smiled as he walked out.

o~O~o

Beca managed to get a few hours of decent sleep but her excitement about Sunday morning kept her staring at the ceiling until the wee hours. She finally felt her body begin to give in to sleep sometime after three but she was wide awake again at a little after seven, with a mild headache and a tummy full of butterflies.

Beca fumbled around the house for a while, before deciding to burn off some excess energy by working out for a bit. When that didn't work, she finally decided to shower and get ready to pick Jesse up from rehab. She knew she'd be early but she just couldn't seems to settle at home. As hard as she tried not to, she found herself getting more excited than she should about seeing Jesse. She still wasn't sure what was going to happen but she was optimistically hopeful for the future although the stern, concerned words from her parents and Luke still rang true in her mind.

After attending several counseling sessions with Jesse she was confident that he was ready to take the next steps and move his life forward. She felt that they'd made progress in counseling, there was still a lot to work on but she knew that as long as they worked as a team they could conquer anything life threw at them. The quiet and careful teachings at the Fallen Leaves retreat had helped her in more ways than one.

The sun was shining brightly as Beca drove to the rehab facility for the last time. She set off early, unable to keep herself busy at home any longer. As she drove, the events that lead to this day flooded her mind. Everything from the night they met up to the present flooded through her like wildfire. She tried to figure out what it was about him that caused her to become a puddle of goo. As she remembered their first night together, she suddenly remembered why and a cool shiver ran up her spine. His voice had sucked her in and his killer good looks sure didn't hurt. He made her feel things that she'd never felt before and she felt her cheeks flush as she remembered their antics in the pool the next morning. She laughed at the memory of Aubrey's squeals when she had found them in a very compromising position.

She could hardly believe that she was alive before she met Jesse. To the outside world, it could certainly be said that Jesse was out of his league. He had everything he owned in a duffle bag and she was estimated to be work nearly $14 million dollars. She had friends, contacts, a successful career as well as being an accomplished singer, dancer and chef. Jesse had his talent and pretty face which he'd used to get through in life but that was all. Beca knew that he was special in many ways and had abilities that far outweighed what money could buy but most importantly he made her laugh, feel excited about spending an evening at home and she'd happily admit that sex with him was amazing. He'd taught her how to use her body to her advantage and she loved how relaxed she was around him. In short, life with Jesse was refreshing and happy.

Beca was shaken from her thoughts of Jesse's mouth on her nipple as the voice came through the speaker in the drive-thru. Remembering where she was, she ordered two pumpkin spice lattes, her favorite, a vanilla bean scone for herself, a chocolate croissant for Jesse and she remembered to ask for double cups to keep the coffee hot. She knew that he'd be ready for something other than cafeteria style food when she picked him up and thought he would enjoy a treat from Starbucks would fill the bill.

Driving to the facility, she found that she was concentrating on the positive parts of their relationship rather than the negative and wondered, as she pulled into a parking space at the front of the building, whether that was a good thing. As she unbuckled her seatbelt and opened the car door, she figured that focusing on the positive was definitely a good thing, otherwise, she wouldn't even be there to pick Jesse up. The negative aspects weren't worth thinking about.

As she sat outside the center, she looked down at her clothes and realized she has subconsciously dressed in an outfit that Jesse had once commented he liked so much. It wasn't anything spectacular, just a pair of tattered, well worn jeans that hugged her hips in just the right way, a vintage Rolling Stones tank top that showed the contours of her ample chest and a pair of converse that suggested that she preferred comfort to class but Jesse liked it, and that made her happy.

The longer it took for him to make his exit the more antsy she was getting about seeing him. She had already been inside to settle everything up and to her shock and surprise, the bill had been less than she expected. She thanked them again for their discretion and support. They really had made Jesse's stay a positive one.

Without being asked, Sandra told her that Jesse was in with Dr. Johnson but that he shouldn't be too much longer. Beca thanked her and asked her to tell Jesse that she would be waiting outside. She needed fresh air, it was a gorgeous day and, looking at herself, she knew that she needed the sun.

o~O~o

As Jesse walked out the front doors of the rehab facility, a place that he saw as his safe haven for six weeks, he closed his eyes and raised his face to the clear October sky. He enjoyed the feel of the sun's warmth on his skin as he took a deep, cleansing breath. The air outside suddenly felt different, it felt cleaner and more refreshing as it hit his lungs or maybe it felt different because he was different. For the first time in a long time he felt alive, well rested; he was ready to go out and conquer the world and all it had to offer. He was clean shaven, dressed neatly in new clothes that Beca had brought to him the last time she'd visited, his feet were healed properly and for the first time in a long time, he felt like a new man.

When he turned to the left, he saw Beca. She looked happy to see him as she leaned on the side of the car, waiting to take him home, just as she had promised she would be on the day she dropped him off. She had promised to be a constant source of support while he tackled his demons and she had been that and so much more. At his request, she had attended family therapy sessions. Jesse tried to get in touch with Casey but it was probably better that he hadn't made contact with him. He probably would have made things one hundred times worse.

As a result of Beca coming to the sessions, they really got to dig into their relationship and realized how their actions had affected each other. Jesse learned that Beca still loved him, what she did and said wasn't just an act or a way of showing pity. Beca understood that if they were going to try to make things work, that she needed to give Jesse a chance to make mistakes around her. He expressed the desire to cook a meal for her where she didn't interfere. He also didn't want to feel like they was always walking around on eggshells around each other.

In a private session, he'd shared with her that he felt a little like his masculinity had been taken away when she wouldn't let him do anything. After discussing the matter without prejudice, Beca explained that it wasn't anything personal, it was just that she was used to doing everything by herself and had worked hard to achieve what she had. In getting it all out on the table, they both understood themselves and each other a little better.

Jesse had learned a lot about himself while he was in rehab and with Beca's blessing and support, he had opted to stay an extra two weeks. If he was honest, he wanted to stay because he felt safe and he didn't quite trust himself to be out in the world just yet. Rehab was a cocoon that shielded and protected him from all the shit that life had tended to throw at him when he had least expected it.

He never planned to take as much from his time out as he had. He thought he'd go, bide his time, chant, sing or crow like a rooster if they asked him to and then get the fuck out in an effort to appease Beca and get her to like him again. He didn't want to completely take advantage of her good nature and intentions but he hoped if he played the game, she let him back into her life. He really did enjoy her company and she had been responsive and open to everything he suggested they do and try in bed. He admitted to himself that he really missed having the opportunity to worship her body at night.

What he had no way of knowing was that rehab had a way of sucking someone in. It was very regimented and disciplined, which was exactly what he needed. He needed someone to ride his ass and make him do all the things he didn't want to do. He needed someone to call him up on his shit and tell him that he had to straighten up and fly right or lay down and die. He needed to stop his destructive ways. Initially, he compared it to the time he spent in the young offenders program when he was a teenager but the difference at Passages was that all of it was voluntary and working at repairing his soul, beating his addiction and securing him with the tools necessary to move forward.

Dr. Johnson had told him about Beca's initial inquiry on his behalf and that on the days she didn't attend sessions with Jesse that she had called to check on him and his progress. She was taking a genuine interest in his overall health and well being and seemingly still cared for him a great deal.

After staring at each other for what seemed like forever, Jesse made a beeline for Beca as he replayed his last morning at the rehab facility over in his mind. He couldn't wait to hold her but the last song he'd heard on his iPod played over and over in his mind.

'Raining On Sunday'

"It ticks just like a Timex
It never lets up on you
Who said life was easy
The job is never through
It'll run us 'til we're ragged
It'll harden our hearts
And love could use a day of rest
Before we both start falling apart"

Looking down at the watch on his wrist, a gift from Passages with the inscription on the clock face that read, 'Believe, Strength, Future', Jesse remembered Dr. Johnson telling him that it would serve as a gentle reminder of how far he had come every time he checked the time. At first, he'd liked the idea but now he felt it was a constant reminder of the things he'd done wrong in his life to the extent he had ended up where he'd spent the last six weeks. He was hoping that he could put the watch into a box and away on a shelf somewhere. His time apart from Beca was his punishment for his wrongdoings and, her generous gift to get him back on his feet, was the perfect excuse for starting again. He thought he deserved a second chance with Beca and he hoped she felt the same way, only time would tell. The fact that she had willingly turned up and on time gave Jesse the impression she was prepared to perhaps try again.

"Pray that it's raining on Sunday
Stormin' like crazy
We'll hide under the covers all afternoon
Baby whatever comes Monday
Can take care of itself
'Cause we got better things that we could do
When it's raining on Sunday"

She'd laid all the cards out on the table after three weeks of him being in rehab. She explained that he was to stay in the pool house when he returned while they sorted out where they went from there. He'd been slightly disappointed to learn that he wouldn't be laying in the same bed as her when he returned but he figured he could wait a little longer if he had to. She was definitely worth the wait.

Beca had already suggested that they have a quiet day and watch movies together on the day he was released. Jesse was happy. He loved nothing more than watching anything from an old black and white film to a modern day blockbuster and was touched that Beca had thought of something nice for him to enjoy on his first day back in the real world. As he continued walking towards her, he had a fleeting, momentary flood of panic about what would happen the next day. How his revelation would be accepted and where they would go. He was surprised that after only six weeks of being in a controlled environment that he'd adjusted to discipline and routine so easily. Jesse also knew that Beca had been made aware of his timetable and had faithfully agreed to stick to his schedules for the time being to help him readjust.

"Your love is like religion
A cross in Mexico
And your kiss is like the innocence
Of a prayer nailed to a door
Oh surrender in much sweeter
When we both let it go
Let the water wash our bodies clean
And love wash our souls"

Jesse reached the car and they both looked shyly at each other for a moment or two, neither of them knowing what the other wanted to say or do. Jesse looked down at Beca as she looked up expectantly at him.

"Hey." She said, and gave him a crooked smile.

"Hey yourself." He said dropping his bag. He placed his finger under her chin to lift her face even higher. She blinked a little at the sun. "You look great."

Beca grinned shyly. "Thanks. How are you?"

"I'm better now that you're here."

"Awesome."

"Thanks for coming to pick me up."

"It's no problem." She said. "How was your last session?"

Jesse cleared his throat before answering. "It was fine. I'm really happy to see you."

"Me too." Beca said, pushing herself off of the car. Jesse immediately wrapped his arm around her and gave her what he thought was a friendly hug rather than an overly personal one. Beca surprised herself by immediately placing her arms around his back in a pose that felt so familiar and comfortable.

"Hey." Jesse said again as Beca tucked herself into the crook of his neck. He leaned down and placed a delicate kiss on the top of her head and felt her body relax into his. A lump formed in his throat making him want to blurt out his confession there and then but he knew he needed to wait 24 hours for confirmation to be sure. Instead, he released Beca from his grasp, pulled away slightly and took her face into his hands. He stared into her soulful eyes and bent down to place his lips on hers, feeling a rush of love pour over him like a warm, fleecy blanket as she began to gently kiss him back. He felt free for a minute as their mouths meshed together and she parted her lips slightly, in an invitation for him to do more.

"Are you ready to go home?" Beca asked, after they parted. Jesse nodded. "It'll just be us this afternoon, no guests and no interruptions. The fridge is stocked and there's plenty of popcorn."

Jesse grinned broadly. "It sounds wonderful."

"Come on then." Beca said, as she began to pull on the driver side door handle.

Jesse nodded his agreement and walked to the rear of the car as Beca got into the front seat. She watched him in the rear view mirror as he placed his bag in the trunk. Walking to the passenger side, he looked back at the building he'd spent the last six weeks in and took a deep breath. He'd been taught about honesty, confessing his demons and owning responsibility for his mistakes. He needed to tell Beca what happened but he wasn't sure when the right time was.

"Are you ok?" She asked. "Is something wrong? Do you want to talk?"

"No." Jesse said as he climbed into the seat. "Let's go."