"OOOH IT'S OLYMPUS COLISSEUM!" Sora screamed in anticipation.
"Please don't start..." muttered Dolan under his breath.
"THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!"
"How long have we even been travelling?" Dolan asked out of curiosity.
"Garwsh, uhhh...what's 358 divided by 2?"
"Never mind."
"I can't wait to explore the vast and beautiful world of ancient Greece! I don't even think it could all fit into a PS2!" Sora said gleefully.
Sora was right. There was literally only three maps in this world.
"LET US EXPLORE THIS VAST, AND BEAUTIFUL WORLD! TALLY-HO!"
As Sora and Gooby ran towards the coliseum full of hope and optimism, Dolan just watched cynically while facepalming hard.
"Sometimes I just want to kill them both and steal their pants," said Dolan to himself, enjoying the messed up thoughts spiralling around in his head.
...
Meanwhile, at the Villains Vale...wait I don't remember this scene in the original KH. What gives?!
...
Maleficent was spying on Sora through her magical omniscient blue screen thing. Because she could do that. Riku was also there, never taking his eyes off Sora's beautiful body.
Dammit. I really wish Maleficent would let me watch some anime or something. That's my next order of business when I take over her position and rule the world with Sora on my side. Get more anime.
Sora...
As Riku watched Sora prance around like a mentally deluded idiot in Olympus Coliseum, he suddenly imagined Sora being his sexy knight in shining armour, riding on a horse bareback and bare-chested. Riku would be the damsel in distress, the princess locked in the tower, and Sora would be his saviour. Sora and his spiky chocolate hair, his gorgeous skinny body...wait, what if Sora had muscles? Big, hard muscles...ah yes...
Riku tried his hardest to hide the deep shade of red on his face, and the fact that he might end up drooling over his fantasies. After all, he had to keep his tough guy facade around the forces of evil.
"...Riku!" boomed Maleficent.
"SORA! I mean...yes?"
Maleficent merely sighed at her son's incompetence.
"Did you not hear a word I just said?!"
"Yes. I just didn't care enough to keep them in my head."
She then frowned, clearly his progress was going slower than she anticipated.
"That comeback was terrible boy! Just for that, no dinner tonight."
"Awwww but you promised me pudding!" Riku whined.
"I also promised that this would be a decent place to live. That was also a lie."
...
Meanwhile, back to the plot...
...
"HEY! HEY PHIL!" Sora screamed in joy.
"Hey Herc, good timing...wait...why do ya sound like someone who aint a hero?"
Sora froze as he heard Phil talk.
"I gotta get ready for da gaaaaaaaaaaaaymes."
He summoned his toy key.
"C'mon Herc, answer your boy Phil 'ere!"
"...You're not Phil."
"Wait what?"
Sora frowned, this wasn't the Phil he knew and loved. Something was very wrong here.
"You're not the real Phil!"
"Hey of course I'm the real Phil! You doubting me here Herc?"
"The real Phil doesn't sound like that at all! You're just a phony, a fake, an impostor!"
"Hey I could say that you're a Herc imposter with dat whiny Japanese voice of yours, I dunno what yer on about!"
"The DARKNESS! seems to have replaced the real Phil with an evil clone! This is terrible!" Sora lamented.
"Garwsh Sora, I don't think clones are real."
"Of course there's not, there's only multiple versions of each and every one of us spread across the expanding multiverse of global entertainment," said Dolan.
"So...could this be another Phil?" Sora questioned.
Oh my...what if there are more about Dolan's out there? What if there are more Gooby's out there? What if there are more me's about there? Surely I'm the only the main character in this jrpg, right? Sora questioned as he was close to having an existential crisis. I mean there was that one boy from 10 years ago who seems to be connected to my heart or something, but surely he was just an NPC like everyone else...
"Look I don't know what you're on about Herc but I gotta get ready for da gaaaaaaaaaaaaaymes so if you could just-"
He turned around, and instead of seeing Hercules, he saw the little wimp known as Sora. The Sora that couldn't even lift a rock. Literally, Riku did all his heavy lifting for him when they both worked as Kairi's slaves. Not that Riku minded because he loved showing off his strength and physique.
"This here's Olympus Coliseum, heroes only," said Phil. "And I got my hands full preparing for da gaaaaaaaaaaaaaymes so run along pipsqueaks."
"Hey, I am not a pipsqueak, no matter how many times Kairi insults me for my lack of masculinity!"
"You look more like a man's man than an actual man," said Phil.
"That's mean!" Sora whined. "But I'm the main character who's destined to beat this PS2 jrpg game and save the Disney worlds from DARKNESS! and live happily ever after in a giant castle with my handsome prince forever and ever!"
"What about us? We're heroes too!" Dolan and Gooby interjected simultaneously.
...
There was a moment of silence.
...
Then the trio started to burst out laughing uncontrollably, almost falling on the floor.
"That's the funniest joke I've ever heard! You two, actually being heroes!" Sora tried saying in-between laughs.
"Garwsh, I know right?! Like that'll ever happen!" said Gooby as he laughed with him.
Even Dolan was laughing, almost laughing as hard as people usually do when they read a parody fanfic of a popular video game.
"Yeah, we are pretty useless!"
Phil just watched.
Seriously, who are these clowns? Phil thought to himself.
He stared at both of them disapproving them, crossing his arms to hide the fact that he's just a really short little man.
"Seriously, who are you clowns?" Phil asked the three morons.
"My name is Ventus! ...I mean, Sora! Yeah it's Sora."
"Hyuck, I'm Gooby!"
"And I'm a hero!"
The trio immediately burst out laughing once again, annoying Phil.
...
"Now if you wanna be a hero, you gotta have certain skills," Phil recited, teaching Sora how to become a true hero (because lets face it, Sora at least some potential, but Dolan and Gooby are hopeless). "It's not just brains, or intelligence dat you need in the heat of battle, but you also gotta have smarts."
"Umm...I usually just mash the X button, that works for me!"
Now it was Phil's turn to burst out laughing.
"The X button? Seriously? What a wimp. Real heroes mash the triangle button. But that's probably too advanced for a runt like you. We gotta take baby steps."
Sora became excited at the thought of being challenged, and summoned his toy key.
"What are we gonna do then? Beat down Heartless? Save princesses? Battle a god?!" asked Sora as he was foaming out of the mouth a little from all the excitement.
"No, we're gonna be doing something much worse. To be a hero you must know how to..."
Pause for dramatic effect.
"HIT. BARRELS."
"Hit...barrels?"
"Yeah. Three words. Hit. Barrels."
Sora was immediately disappointed. He was a main character! He wanted to beat stuff up, not play a pointless minigame. Not even if said minigame actually did involve beating stuff up.
"Are ya sure you can handle it?" Phil asked, actually genuinely concerned for Sora's safety.
"Sure I can! I mean it's just barrels and a time limit...for some reason. What could possibly go wrong?
...
2 seconds later.
...
Sora laid on the ground, bloodied, bruised, and twitching.
"How...the barrels...how did they do that...? I mean...I just...didn't even move and they just...it hurts so much...so much pain..."
Phil just sighed in disappointment.
"Yeah you aint a hero ," he told Sora as he was whimpering like a bitch for a mommy on the ground while he was experiencing severe mental and physical pain. "Two words. You suck."
...
As Sora stormed off being all pissed off (thanks to his main character powers, even the deepest wounds heal once he enters the next submap) with Dolan and Gooby, he kept lamenting over the fact that he was beaten by a bunch of BARRELS. Friggin barrels! What kind of jrpg was Sora even the main character of?
"Hyuck, don't feel down Sora! You put up a pretty good fight back dere!"
"Yeah! And to me you were definitely a hero! ...For two seconds."
Sora looked down at the ground, maybe this was one of those chapters where he angsts about stuff and experience character development.
"Maybe he's right...maybe I do suck."
"I don't think you suck that much!" said Gooby.
"And I'm sure that you'd be great at sucking!" said Dolan.
"...I instantly feel better now!" said Sora, smiling happily.
Ok, maybe not.
"Rather a stubborn old goat, wouldn't you say?~" a familiar voice said behind our three heroes.
Sora knew who it was, and he immediately summoned his Kiburado.
"Hades!"
"Sora."
"Hades!"
"Sora!"
"Hades..."
"Achoo!" went Hades as he somehow sneezed.
"Excuse you. Anyway…wait, how do you know my name?"
"Not important. You want to enter the games right?"
"I know what you're trying to do Hades! I won't fall for your tricks!"
"What, me? Trying to trick you? Of course not fuzz boy, I'm just trying to help a friend out, and isn't friendship like the best thing in the world or something?"
"You have a point there…"
"Now, I know you wanna get revenge on those barrels right?"
"YES! More than anything!" said Sora desperately.
Hades creepily placed one hand on Sora's back, while in his other hand, a ticket appeared.
"Well here's a pass. You can also use it to get 25% off all things that murder."
"Garwsh Sora, are you sure you could trust him?" Gooby whispered.
"I don't trust him, I'm just doing what he wants to gain his trust, and then I'll betray him after he betrays me," Sora quietly replied.
"You do realize I can hear everything you're saying right." said Hades.
"This is all an illusion! You didn't see aaaaaaanything," Dolan replied spookily.
Dolan backed away slowly for dramatic effect, acting like a ghost for some reason.
"Aaaaaaaaaanythiiiiiiiiiiiiing~"
Heh, this is too easy, Hades thought.
"Good luck anyway! I'm pulling for ya, little shorty. Oh, and by the way I'm totally not evil."
"Yeah, I know you're not evil. Definitely not evil at all."
"Yep, you can trust me shorty! Aint got an evil bone in my body."
"Oh don't worry. I completely trust you Hades, ruler of the Underworld!"
"That's a good little fuzz face."
"Hahahaha."
"Hahahaha."
"Hahahaha."
"Hahahaha."
They both continued laughing at each other in a completely fake way, while frowning at each other at the same time, each side knowing that the other side was up to no good. Then there was a moment of silence.
"…Garwsh."
…
AND NOW, FINALLY, IT IS THE MOMENT THAT ALL OF US HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!
Ansem materialized into the scene, laughing evilly and crossing his arms like a badass.
"Yes! Finally it is time to make my debut! IT IS I, ANSEM, THE SEEKER OF DA-"
Shut up Ansem, no one cares about you.
No, the person that we've really been waiting for is…
CLOUD.
…
There he was.
Slowly but sexily walking towards the horizon, making fangirls (and fanboys) wet all over. His sexiness radiated across the whole arena, even Phil wished he had genitals so he could think about Cloud while doing unspeakable things.
His angst, his broodiness, his emo-ness is something I, the author, can only ever dream of having. He is simply too dark, hot and sexy for anyone to even match his beauty. His very existence is one that is above us all.
And he knows it. He knows that he radiates that aura of angst and sexiness, truly it was too powerful to resist. Except for Dolan and Gooby, they were somehow immune.
Sora was completely under his spell though.
The moment he saw Cloud, in his new outfit with that cool cape and all, he almost exploded from the sheer amount of fanboying he was about to do.
He said nothing however. There was nothing to be said.
The important thing was that he was in the presence of Cloud.
Friggin CLOUD.
The main character of Final Fantasy 7, the game that everyone loved, and the only Final Fantasy game that anyone will ever love, ever!
Sora was so close to drooling, and with his wobbling knees he thought he was going to collapse.
"Cloooooooud…" Sora moaned.
Cloud just sighed.
"What."
Sora started breathing heavily like a stalker that spy on people getting changed through binoculars.
"Hiiiiiiiii Cloooooooud~"
Cloud just remained silent and he was about to walk away.
Sora couldn't let him leave though. Not yet.
Sora clung onto Cloud as hard as he could like he was a leech, never letting go. What he lacked in physical strength, was made up for in determination.
"…Please let go," said Cloud calmly.
"B-but…you're…you're CLOUD!" said Sora dreamily.
"Sure I am."
"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaah~"
"Could you stop breathing on my chest."
"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaah~"
"…Please."
Dolan and Gooby watched from behind the scenes while Phil was too busy admiring Cloud's beauty. They noticed that when he was around Cloud, Sora seemed very…different. Sora was completely red in the face, acting overly seductive, basically being the exact opposite of a male harem protagonist.
"Garwsh, Sora seems very…different!"
"I just want them to start *bleeping* each other already," said Dolan.
Sora proceeded to smell and lick Cloud's just as he was still clinging onto him, refusing to let go.
"You smell delicious~" Sora said seductively, purring a little.
"Ok."
"Can…can I touch you…?"
"No."
"But…but I want to touch you all over…! Give me your giant Buster Sword!"
"I said no."
Cloud managed to pick up Sora by his spiky hair and place him back on the ground, which Sora blush even more.
Sora started to pant a little as he felt feelings that he couldn't understand and never had any experience before. And he loved it.
"Oh Cloud…you're the most beautiful Squaresoft protagonist I've ever seen~"
"Go away."
"I never appreciated how beautiful you were back then with those limited polygon graphics, but now…now I know how…how handsome you are~"
"Seriously, go away."
"Can I have your babies Cloud?"
"Not in a million years."
Sora wasn't even sure what he was doing or why he was doing it, but he found himself trying…and failing to get his clothes off. You can't exactly blame him though, he hasn't changed his clothes in years since jrpg protagonists don't need to.
Cloud just sighed again.
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to take my clothes off but I don't know how!" Sora whined.
"…Wow."
Sora then smiled seductively, blushing even more than he already was.
"C-could you…could you help me take them off Cloud?"
Cloud just stared at Sora for a moment. He had met many fangirls who had stripped for him while he cosplayed as Cloud, but Sora seemed different somehow. Mostly because he was just a little boy, and he was pretty sure that he shouldn't even be here. Where were his parents? They must be worried sick wherever they are.
"No thanks. Goodbye."
As Cloud began to leave, Sora's eyes were filled with tears.
"NOOOO! COME BACK, MY LOVE! YOU STILL HAVEN'T RAVISHED ME UNDER THE PALE MOONLIGHT YET!"
Sad music began to play as Sora's idol walked away, and Sora's inner fanboy was weeping. Sora himself was also weeping. He kneeled on the ground, holding his hands out in the hopes that Cloud would finally hold them.
"DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THESE DONALD AND GOOFY IMPERSONATORS! THEY'RE COMPLETELY USELESS IN BATTLE!"
Dolan frowned, feeling completely pissed off.
Cloud glanced at Sora one more time, gazing into his longing eyes.
"I have things to do. Goodbye."
Sora gave up. He knew that Cloud wasn't coming back. He was no longer feeling intense arousal, all he felt was sadness.
"Cloud…"
Suddenly, a giant paw squashed Cloud.
Sora gasped and summoned his Kiburado, Dolan and Gooby doing nothing behind him as always. Phil conveniently fell asleep during the whole fiasco.
It was the Cerberus! That could only mean one thing…
Hades.
No, not the real Hades. The Disney one.
Speak of the devil…(literally)
"Hey there! So yeah, there's been a sliiiight change of plan. I was gonna make a really long and convoluted xanatos gambit involving you entering the games and Phil turning into a real boy and Cloud eating a poison apple, buuuut I decided it would be best if I just killed you all. Have fun dying! I'll see you there."
"…You," Sora muttered darkly.
"Hey I have a name you know fuzz boy."
"…You hurt Cloud."
"What can I say? Accidents happen."
Sora walked up towards Hades and the Cerberus, his rage had finally been awakened.
"I will make you pay."
Hades couldn't help but laugh at the little runt. To think, that a scrawny kid like him had a chance against a God and his pet.
"Oh really? What are you gonna do? Hugus to death?"
…
2 seconds later
…
Hades and Cerberus laid on the ground, bloodied, bruised, and twitching.
Sora had won.
He may have been weak, but no one, and I repeat, no one messes with a fanboy and lives.
"Good job Sora!" said Gooby.
"For once you didn't suck!" said Dolan.
Sora smiled at his two best friends. Today, he had truly proved to Phil that he was in fact a hero and not just a runt. Today was his moment of triumph, the day he would finally be recognized by all the NPC's as a great main character, and-
"DO NOT WORRY!" Hercules screamed as he suddenly appeared. "I, THE GREAT HERCULES, WILL SAVE YOU ALL FROM..."
He glanced at the Cerberus, and he saw that he was already defeated.
"...Never mind."
Phil coincidentally woke up just when Hercules arrived. He was shocked that so much had happened while he was conveniently sleeping. He couldn't help but wonder why he always slept during the important stuff.
"Wait what, what happened while I was asleep? ...Cerberus? It attacked? And you defeated it? Heh, I knew you had it in ya."
"Really?!" asked Sora, excited to finally get some recognition.
"Good job Herc!"
"I guess I really am a true hero...wait what."
"Indeed, I was the one who beat the Cerberus!" said Hercules. "I did it all by myself, with no help whatsoever!"
Sora was pissed.
"B-But...I was the one who beat the Cerberus! Right Gooby? Dolan? You saw it right?"
"Actually we weren't watching, hyuck!"
"I was dreaming about pants."
He couldn't believe it. He accomplished something big and no one gave him recognition for it. Was this...what hurt felt like? It was like he lost a bunch of his HP, but it was his hearts HP instead of his actual HP.
"Ha! As if a runt like you could beat that thing. You couldn't even beat a bunch of barrels!"
Sora couldn't even fight anymore and he just looked down at the ground. At least Dolan and Gooby then tried to comfort him. They may have been heartless bastards, but they weren't monsters.
"Awww don't feel bad Sora! You'll be a hero once you come back and beat dem secret bosses!"
"Sora, stop being a whiny whiner plz."
Sora smiled as he looked up at the sky.
"It's ok guys. I just need to remember that none of this is real!"
"Huh?"
"Yeah, this is all just part of a jrpg! We're all just ones and zeros! We're all just code, data, whatever you want to call it."
"I don't think that-"
"Even you two. All just ones and zeroes! And I...I am the main character! The one who'll defeat the DARKNESS! and save the universe! So what's the point of getting worked up over pointless filler and feelings? That won't help me beat the game at all. I can't stray from my purpose, no matter what."
"Huh...well as long as you're ok then I guess, hyuck!"
"Hey what happened to Cloud? Not that I care or anything." asked Dolan.
He was nowhere to be found. Now Sora had another reason to be sad. His hopes went up though once he found a note on the ground. And it was Cloud's!
It said:
You're creepy. Please stay away from me.
-Cloud.
Sora was close to fanboying again, and thinking of Cloud made him...what was the word? Happy? Aroused? Yeah it was probably aroused.
"He...he noticed me! He noticed meeeee!"
"Garwsh, this is great Sora!"
"Someday..." Sora said to himself excitedly. "Someday I will see him again, and he'll touch me everywhere, even in places that shouldn't be touched!"
"I can't blame you for being attracted to that emo kid," said Dolan. "He is really dreamy, and his pants are so hot..."
"Especially when he's all dark and brooding...it's so attractive. It kinda reminds me of a certain someone...ah well, LET'S GO TO OTHER WORLDS!"
"YAY!" said Dolan and Gooby simultaneously.
...
Meanwhile...
...
Riku had been sitting there, watching the whole thing.
To say he was heartbroken was an understatement.
It was like Sora had grabbed his heart out of his chest and stomped on it. He wanted to cry but he couldn't because of his tough guy facade.
The sadness he felt was overwhelming, everything he had just witnessed was just eating him up inside. Seeing Sora with his two new friends, being all happy together, it was sickening.
Riku was Sora's friend. Not them. He couldn't handle the thought of him being replaced by...whatever those things were. He was Sora's only friend, that was how it's been, and that's how it should always be.
Forgotten...unloved...unwanted...
He was all that and more.
All this time he had hoped that Sora loved him...but then he realized that he only has eyes for fictional characters from those dumb Final Fantasy games. The way he stared at Cloud...the way he lusted after him...
Did Riku get any of that? Of course not.
It made him sick. It made him sick to his stomach. How was he even supposed to compete with a person that's not even real?
When was it Riku's turn to finally get some love?
Would that time ever come?
Despite all the negative emotions coming from unrequited love and so much more, only one name was spiralling around in Riku's head, and it wouldn't go away.
Sora...