Author's Note #1:
Corinne, Your strength never ceases to amaze me. You are a true inspiration. I'm beyond blessed and extremely thankful to have you in my life and to be able to call you not only my best friend, but my sister. Saying thank you just doesn't seem to be enough. xxx
o~O~o
Chapter 25
Jinxed and Jealous
o~O~o
~Beca's POV~
I don't know what hour it is.
I don't even know what day it is.
All I know is that I feel lost, alone, empty and very afraid of what tomorrow is going to bring. I know in my heart that this is about the worst I will ever feel and I'm absolutely dreading telling people what happened. I have to come to terms with what's happened myself before I can even think about talking to anyone. I have to wonder though, will I ever come to terms with it?
Jesse is here and I'm glad that I'm no longer by myself but the one thing that troubles me is that he's also grieving and I really don't know what to say to him, to help him deal with all of this. After the baby was taken to the hospital morgue, I finally gave in and let Jesse hold me while I laid curled up on the bed and I just wept. He seemed almost relieved to be able to do something for me but I know he needed comfort from me as well. He laid on the bed next to me and pulled me back gently towards his chest. He laid his head in the crook of my neck and I suddenly felt his body wrack with sobs and his tears as they fell from his eyes. I reached behind me and grabbed his hand and he linked his fingers with mine. A simple gesture but it was what we both needed.
As we laid there, rocking slightly together, I could hear the other babies in the maternity ward crying and with every one of their cries I could feel a throbbing in my breasts. By that evening, my breasts were leaking which made me cry even more. The milk that was supposed to feed and nourish my son, was now relieving itself from my body and being absorbed into hospital grade nursing pads.
This was all so fucking unfair.
I finally managed to find my voice around dinner time. Ginger brought both Jesse and I some food just after six and I was surprised to find I was a little hungry. I picked at my sandwich and I had a few spoonfuls of chicken soup while we sat in silence. I noticed that Jesse looked exhausted but the food and a quick shower seemed to help him perk up a little. He seemed more relaxed, if that were possible, after we had laid together.
After eating, Jesse seemed ready to tackle the task of calling my parents to let them know what happened. Poor Jesse didn't know what to say or do and he looked so uncomfortable as he paced the room. I heard my Dad ask for me and Jesse told him I was sleeping, which he seemed to accept. Apparently, both of my parents hammered Jesse with hard questions that he did his best to answer. Luckily, Ginger walked in the room at just the right time and was willing to step in and speak to my mom, who, in her best judges voice was confusing Jesse. I was used to her grilling techniques. Ginger was able to put my mom's mind at ease and explaining that she only needed to catch a flight if she really wanted to but that it wasn't necessary, and that I was going to released in a couple of days. I could hear Ginger reassuring my mom that I going to be ok and I could hear a few sobs, something completely uncharacteristic of my mom. I held out my hand for Jesse's phone and spoke to my mom for just a few minutes.
Once Ginger left the room and I wrapped up the call with my mom, Jesse was there to take care of my every need, as if he'd assumed a new role. I wasn't allowed to even get up to pee without him being right there. He helped me out of bed and held my hand as I walked across the room to the bathroom, then he would wait outside until I was done so he could walk me back. While I appreciated his help, it was getting slightly annoying to say the least but the last thing I wanted was to offend him or be alone. I was confused about what my head and heart were telling me.
Everything was going as well as it could and I was healing better than I was expected to. I had always been pretty good at taking care of myself physically, although I knew I needed help with the psychological pain. Emotionally, I still had my moments. The times I fell apart were mostly when I could hear babies in the surrounding rooms. Hearing their cries was like a knife to my heart. Another mistake I made was trying to distract myself by looking at my Facebook page and while I was happy for an old school friend, seeing her announce her own pregnancy on her timeline was more than I could handle. I turned my phone off.
The next morning as I sat in bed, I was uninterestedly picking at my breakfast and waiting for Jesse to wake up, when I completely fell apart again. I tried to keep the crying to a minimum, especially when Jesse was awake. I noticed that when I cried he got nervous, started fidgeting and began asking what he could do to make things better. I didn't have the heart to tell him that what he was doing was only making things worse. I needed to find something else to focus on, so I could begin to move on and try to get my life back and be as normal as I could be.
I was just about to get my phone so I could call my mom when Ginger came in to check on me.
"Good morning." She said, knocking on my door as she entered my room.
"Mornin'." I said, pulling myself out of my daydream as I looked gratefully towards the door, happy to see her since I hadn't seen her before she left the previous evening. I had finally gone to sleep for longer than thirty minutes and I was told that she hadn't wanted to disturb me.
"How are you feeling?" Ginger asked, casting an eye over to the chair where Jesse was slumped, taking a nap from his nursing duties. She walked toward the bed, placing something by the footboard before straightening the blankets that had shifted as I sat up to eat breakfast.
"I'm good." I lied as I put down my piece of toast and wiped my mouth before pushing my breakfast tray away. After only a few bites, I was full and not eating much of it anyway.
She gave me a knowing look, before casting another glance in Jesse's direction. "Ok… now, do you want to tell me the truth?"
I looked up, trying to say what I needed to say without actually using words. Ginger's silence told me that she knew what I was trying to say but I figured it was best to just say it. "Better… though not great. I hurt. When will the pain go away?" I finally admitted as I winced; a dull ache rippling across my belly. The cramps were evil but I didn't want to take anything to alleviate the pain.
"It's gonna take take some time, but you'll start to feel a little better, stronger everyday."
"That's what everyone keeps saying."
Ginger winked and patted my hand. "Cuz it's true."
I sighed. "Yeah, I guess so."
"Dr. Jackson just told me that you're being discharged tomorrow morning."
"That's what the night nurse told me."
"Are you ready to get home?"
I turned my head and looked out the window at the sun shining over Sin City. "I don't think any new mom is ready to go home empty handed." With tears streaming down my face and my hands immediately finding my now empty womb, I quietly asked, "Am I really even a mom? I mean, my baby died because I couldn't keep him safe, so I'm not a mom… right?"
"Oh Beca… sweetheart, of course you're a mom."
"I don't feel like one. I failed my first task… keep the baby safe inside for 9 months."
"Beca, you have to stop beating yourself up. These things happen and I know it's hard to understand. I know better than most as I went through it twice myself. Miscarriage is nature's way of discarding a pregnancy that didn't proceed in a way compatible with life."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"Nothing and no one can ever take away your pain. I'm merely trying to tell you that this was not your fault, it's nature's fault. In a few days, you'll begin to accept it into your head; your heart is another matter but it will happen."
"Nature sucks ass."
Ginger chuckled. "Yes, it does."
"I'm really sorry it happened to you too." Beca said genuinely.
"Thank you. It may not seem like it will happen now but there will be babies for you one day and you'll love them that much more because of this. Trust me."
"I couldn't have made it through the past few days without you."
"I'm sure you would have, it's-"
"-I'm not good at this sort of thing. I'm usually in such control and ..."
"I know. I understand."
"I guess you need to get back to your work huh?" Beca said, moving the conversation along.
"I do have to get back but, I brought something for you."
"Oh!" I said as I looked around for the paperwork I assumed she had brought me to sign.
Ginger suddenly looked a little guilty. Taking a deep breath, she finally started talking. "As you know I went home late on Monday because I didn't want to leave you after-"
"- About that, I'm so sorry I kept you. I hope your family wasn't upset."
"Please don't be sorry. I was right where I wanted and needed to be." Ginger told me as she took a seat next to me on the bed. "When I finally got home, I was exhausted but it was dinnertime and I wanted to eat with my family and hear about their day. When it was my turn to share my day, I told them about you and well… I hope you don't mind but we have something for you." She said as she reached down to get the bag she'd brought in with her and handed it to me.
I wasn't sure what to make of it, but her thoughtfulness made me tear up. Ginger had been my rock when I needed one. She had been the one coaching me through labor, telling me what was happening and doing the best that she could to keep me calm. I had been frightened and more aggressive than I meant to be but she held my hand and made me understand the gravity of the situation. I should be the one giving Ginger a gift, not the other way around. I took a deep breath and reached into the bag, when I saw what was inside I gasped.
"Hudson and Holden wanted to make something for you. They just love modeling clay." Ginger explained. "When I told them your baby went to Heaven, they asked if they could make you an angel baby with rainbow wings. I really hope you like it."
I carefully held the angel, which wasn't much smaller than my own son, in one hand, as my other hand explored the little body and wings. Of course, the baby wasn't perfect but he was beautiful, just like my baby boy always would be. "It's perfect, thank you." I was finally able to say. "I'll treasure it always."
"I'm so glad you like it."
"Like it? I love it." I said cradling the boy's project in my hands.
"Of course, Harper wanted to do something as well, but since she isn't allowed to play with modeling clay, she colored a card." Ginger said handing Beca a homemade card, complete with glitter spots and some feathers that made no sense. I loved it immediately.
"It's beautiful. She did a wonderful job."
"Beca, you've touched my heart and my family. I hope that once you're back home and feeling more settled, you'll stay in touch."
"I will. I promise." She said as she moved closer to Ginger and hugged her.
o~O~o
On Thursday morning it was time to leave the hospital… and my baby. I never imagined that I'd be going back home without my son. Leaving was going to be the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. My son's body had been taken to the funeral home and would be prepared for cremation. Even with as tiny as he is, there's still protocol to follow so he wouldn't be ready for us to take home. We'd have to come back next week to collect his remains. Under normal circumstances, I would have stayed until he was ready to come home with me, but I needed and wanted to be home. I craved my own space and wanted to get there as soon as possible.
As I was preparing to leave, packing up the few items I had with me after Jesse had collected my suitcase from the hotel and settled the bill on my behalf, a lady named Evelyn with administration came into my room with some paperwork for Jesse and I to sign. She explained everything and said that we could leave everything with Ginger before we left.
As Jesse sat down to read the paperwork he said, "We need to give him a name."
This was the conversation I'd been dreading. "He has a name."
Looking surprised, he looked up from the papers in his hand and asked. "And what would that be?"
"Bodhi {pronounced: bow-dee} Christopher."
"I thought we had kinda decided on Wyatt? Can we discuss it?"
"It's too late. I've already filled out the birth and death certificates. You weren't here."
"How?"
"What do you mean 'how'? I put pen to paper. You weren't here and a decision had to be made."
"I'm sure it could have waited until I got here."
"They handed me the papers and asked me to fill them out… so I did."
"So, now what?"
"You sign the papers."
"And that's it?"
"That's it."
As far as I was concerned the matter was closed. There was nothing to discuss. I had been presented with paperwork not long after Bodhi passed and a decision needed to be made. I made it. Maybe I was a bitch for naming our son without Jesse's consent but what was done was done. The list of names was something that had been fun to discuss and I just wanted it over with, it wasn't done maliciously.
Our son's name was Bodhi Christopher Swanson. He was born on February 24, 2014 at 2:47am. He weighed 9.3 ounces and was 5¾ inches long. My tiny little Bodhi died in my arms at 2:51am. Four minutes… I had a total of four minutes to tell him a lifetime of secrets. In that time, I recited Goodnight Moon one last time. I had been reading it to him for weeks and it felt like the right thing to do. I told him how much his daddy and I loved him and how I wished things could be different. I silently prayed that Mamie, my dad's mom, would be there to welcome my Bodhi into Heaven. I couldn't imagine him getting there and having no one to hold him.
A couple hours later, Ginger came by to say that she would be back shortly with a wheelchair to escort me to the car. Jesse took that as his cue to get the car and for the first time since he arrived, I was on my own in the suite. I was alone in the room where I delivered my son, where he took his first breath and his last. This moment was bittersweet. My angel was in Heaven and he was looking down on me and Jesse, at least I hoped he was. I just hope that he can work a little magic because that's what this relationship is going to need to survive.
As I looked around the room, I realized that the walls had seen a lot. Not just in the last few days, but everyday that it was used. The room had seen more joy and more pain than a lot of others, but for a few short days, it was my home, my sanctuary and my safe haven. Now it was time to go so that someone else could experience something so beautiful and life changing that words alone couldn't describe it.
I looked out of the window, at the most gorgeous sky and there over Sin City was the most beautiful rainbow I'd ever seen. With tears in my eyes, I looked to the Heavens and said, "Thank you God for giving me the most beautiful and amazing gift. He's yours now, please hold him close and look after him until we meet again. I love you Bodhi Christopher, forever and always."
Just as Ginger promised, she came back with a wheelchair. As I looked around again, I wasn't sure I was ready to leave and I hated myself for it. I hated that I felt like I no longer had control over my life. In a very short amount of time, my life had changed so much and once I left the confines of this room, the absolute reality of the situation would become even more real. But I knew I needed to get home, back to reality and going back to work would help; it was all I had left.
"Ready?" Ginger asked sweetly, snapping me out of my daydream.
I turned to look at her and felt tears beginning to sting my eyes… again. In all honesty, the answer to her question was no, but I couldn't stay and I knew that. I feared leaving my room and seeing happy new mommies and daddies with their new babies. We were supposed to be those happy parents too and yet, here we were leaving the hospital babyless, with hearts full of pain and sorrow. Why did it have to be this way? Why did my baby have to die?
"Beca?"
"Beca…"
"Beca… honey are you ok?"
"Do you need me to call the doctor?"
I looked at Ginger and shook my head, not knowing exactly how long she'd been calling my name. I was lost for words, something I still wasn't used to. I always had something to say about everything… until now. Still looking blankly at Ginger, I carefully lowered myself into the chair near the window.
Ginger kneeled down in front of me, taking my hands in hers. "Beca, you're going to be just fine. It might not be tonight, tomorrow or the next, but everything's going to be ok. You just need to give it some time."
Leaning forward, I hugged Ginger like my life depended on it. She had been my everything over the last several days and now, I needed to learn that it was ok to depend on Jesse.
o~O~o
As promised, Ginger took me to the car. I'm pretty sure she took me the long way around so we didn't have to pass the nursery and coincidentally, the crying babies seemed to have all been pacified at the same time. The halls were quiet… too quiet.
While I had hoped to fly back to LA, I was told that in my condition it wasn't an option so we'd have to drive. In an of itself driving wasn't a real problem but I wasn't sure that I was ready to be in such a confined space with Jesse just yet. Being in the room was one thing, being in a car was something totally different and we'd just had an argument about Bodhi's name. Because I had been giving pain medication so the ride would be bearable, I hoped sleep would come quickly and easily otherwise, this was going to be a long trip home.
o~O~o
Jesse's POV
o~O~o
The ride home from Las Vegas was long and quiet. Beca laid the passenger seat down and turned her back on me, choosing to curl into a tight ball and cry rather than actually talk about what she was feeling. A couple of times I reached over to rub her side before resting my hand on her hip. She knew that I was also having a hard time but she didn't know how to grieve and be there for me like I needed her to be.
In my defense, I did try to make conversation. I tried singing to her. I tried being quiet. I tried listening to the radio. I had even tried to get Beca to eat when we stopped for lunch. She wasn't having any of it. Except for the fact that Beca was right next to me while I was driving, it was like she wasn't in the car at all.
After getting her settled in the car after our lunch stop, but before getting back on the road, I sent a quick text. I needed to enlist the help of others to make Beca's homecoming as smooth as possible. I texted the only person I knew would do as I needed him to do.
"Dude, I need your help."
"What is it?"
"Can you go by the house?"
"Sure. What do you need?"
"Get all of the baby stuff out of the house."
"Where should I put it?"
"In the pool house for now. I'll take care of it next week."
"Anything else?"
"Can you make that tomato basil soup Beca likes?"
"Of course. I'll stop at the store on the way."
"I do have one more favor to ask."
"Of course you do."
"Please be at the house when we get there."
"My pleasure."
"Thanks Dude… I owe you one."
"You owe me more than one."
Shoving my phone back in my pocket I walked around the car, silently hoping I had done the right thing by asking for Luke's help.
I know Beca's body ached and missed the life that had been growing within it. She had just gotten used to feeling Bodhi moving around inside of her and I guessed she longed to feel his kicks just one more time. Her arms ached for one more second, one more minute, one more hour with Bodhi. She had probably never felt so lost and alone as she did when Ginger handed Bodhi's tiny lifeless body to me so that I could have some time with our son.
She could have easily allowed me to lay with her and the baby but she couldn't bear it. She wasn't ready and I knew the hand holding exercise was just for show. I knew she needed to forgive me for not being there but it wasn't something that was going to happen overnight. It would take time, just like it was going to take time for her heart to heal, though I knew losing Bodhi was something she would never get over.
And neither would I.
But I knew I had to worry about me another time. Now was the time to concentrate on the road home, ignore the desperate thirst for a shot of whiskey that was sitting in my throat and swallow my sadness.
When we arrived home, Anne, Will and Luke were there to greet us and I was happy to see their cars in the driveway. As I pulled in I saw Anne and Will standing together, watching out of the kitchen window. Luke stood at the front door and watched as I helped Beca out of the car. Her tiny body looked thinner and more frail than I'd ever seen and I slipped my arm around her as her parents walked out of the house to greet us. She pulled away from me and hugged each of her parents tightly, silently wishing that they could fix this just as they had fixed everything for her when she was small.
As she looked up, I watched as her eyes met Luke's and something washed over her face but I couldn't place the expression; it was almost relief. He slowly walked toward her, waiting for her to make the next move. She walked as fast as she could until she was standing right in front of Luke. It wasn't long before she was throwing her arms around his neck.
"He's gone." She whispered to Luke, her first words since we left Las Vegas. "My baby's gone." She sobbed inconsolably as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, holding her so easily that it made my blood boil.
I seethed as I took the luggage out of the car. The interaction between the two of them was more than I could handle, and my need to escape this scene was probably evident.
Beca was extremely unsteady on her feet and judging from Luke's concerned expression, he knew from experience that her legs were about to give out. I continued to take in the scene that was unfolding before my very eyes as I wheeled the suitcase towards the door. Beca buried her face in the crook of Luke's neck as he scooped her up and carried her into the house, followed closely by Anne and Will.
What was wrong with everyone? Was this really happening? Had I just become completely invisible?
Sure, I asked Luke to be here because I knew Beca would want to see him. And I knew that he would make her homecoming easier. They'd been through so much together throughout the years, but I never in my wildest dreams imagined this is what would happen. He hadn't even acknowledged me.
I know that Beca has been through so much more than any one of us could ever imagine but I lost my son too and somehow, I've been forgotten. Without a second thought, I put the luggage in the foyer and walked back outside, closing the door quietly behind me.
As I got in the car and started the engine I scrolled through my contacts and hit the call button. It wasn't long before I was barking into the phone. "Are you there? I need… forget it, I'm on my way!"
Author's Note #2: I apologize for this lengthy author's note but I'd like to address "Guest" and a few concerns he/she has had regarding my story. Well "Guest", I'm gonna call you 'Reggie' because I don't like calling someone "Guest" if I can help it; it all seems rather impersonal and that's the complete opposite of who I am. You don't want me to know who you are which is fine, that's your choice although I recognize your style of writing and have a pretty good idea who you are. You've left me quite a few negative reviews, not addressing the story, but attacking me as a writer. Again, this is your prerogative but I've noticed you're not actually reading the story properly. Here, let me explain...
Dear Reggie,
I'll start by saying that I would have messaged you directly but since you reviewed as a guest I can't direct message you, so I'll address you and your concerns here.
I'd like to begin by first saying that I do not take any of the subject matters I write about lightly, it's actually quite the opposite, hence why I take my time to post my chapters. I appreciate your point of view about Beca and Jesse's baby dying but please understand that I've researched the subject at great length. While it is not impossible for a baby delivered at 20 weeks 5 days to survive, in most, if not all cases, it's improbable. Babies born at that gestational age are usually only about 6 inches in length and weigh no more than 10 ounces. Being born that early puts the baby at risk for issues such as loss of sensory functions (sight and hearing) and their organs, brain and immune system are not developed, equipped or strong enough to sustain them outside of the womb without the assistance of many machines, years of struggle to come and a promise of a far from perfect life. Cognitive functions can be affected and babies are more susceptible to chronic illness. Premature babies are more susceptible to learning and physical disabilities as well. Well educated doctors and healthcare professionals can make the call as to the strength of the newborn and they'll usually know within seconds whether the baby will make it.
When making bread, you wouldn't pull it out of the oven twenty minutes early and try to slice it because it wouldn't be baked all the way through. There is a reason we have to bake for 9 months before we're born, and it's been that way since the beginning of time.
I have not only researched this topic properly, realistically and sensibly, I've also gotten first hand accounts to back up everything I've written and have tactfully represented their memories without going so far as to overstep and make my readers beyond uncomfortable. Not everyone's lives are perfect. I reflect that in this story quite a bit. I'm pushing myself as a writer to go beyond my comfort zone by creating and telling a unique and hopefully enjoyable story. Anyone can write a mushy, cliche oh so happy Jeca story, I've been there, done that but with this story I wanted to create something new and different by using the characters we all know and love.
In this story, Beca chose to let her baby go naturally and with dignity rather than have tubes forced down his very tiny, under developed airway and prolonging his pain. Doing so, would more than likely have caused more harm than good and to do so would have only been delaying the inevitable. The ONLY bonus to opening the baby's airway and forcing oxygen into his lungs would have been to wait for Jesse to arrive and even that wasn't a guarantee and would have given them false hope of the baby's survival. Doing so the tubes and machines would have prevented the baby from having any skin to skin contact with his mother before his passing making his death very cold and clinical. He died nestled in the warm, loving arms of his mother and was comforted in his final minutes by the beat of her heart. Beca loved him more than life and did her best to grow and protect him for almost 21 weeks. Would you have rather had me write about the baby dying in an incubator, alone, with little or no human contact? Beca made the only decision she could given the circumstances and knowing that babies delivered before about 24-25 weeks gestation almost never survive.
Unless you've been in this situation, you have no idea how you will react and I humbly include myself in this statement and the same goes if it happens more than once. I was blessed with easy fertility but not everyone is lucky like me. I've seen people suffer loss and these stories need to be told; for all of the babies who were born sleeping and for their parents. It breaks my heart that anyone has to go through this but if this story helps one person understand they are not alone to deal with one of the hardest things that life will throw at someone, then I have done my job as a writer.
I'd like to point out the fact that you've done nothing but complain in every "review" you've left. The point of a review is to review what you've read, not gripe, moan and complain about a writer's storyline, plot bunnies and cliffhangers. Please take into consideration the next time you "review" that a lot of time, blood, sweat, tears and research go into each chapter. I don't get paid to do this, I do it because I love it. Yes, I've left many cliffhangers that to date remain unresolved but by the end of this story all will be tied up in a nice little bow; isn't that the point of a story and what keeps someone coming back?
If you like the story, which you must, because you keep coming back to read each chapter as soon as it's posted, then please continue to read otherwise there's the door... don't let it hit you where the good Lord split you.
I appreciate each and every review and would like to thank all my readers for taking the time out of their busy schedules to do so. I hope that you'll all continue to stick with me on the rest of this journey and again, I'm sorry about the length of this author's note but I needed to explain myself and this seemed to be the best avenue.
With love,
CQ714