A/N:

Corinne, Your dedication to helping me bring this story to life amazes me. Thank you for always being willing to bounce ideas & for believing in me even when I fail to believe in myself. Most of all thank you for your continued friendship, without it, I don't know where I'd be. xx

Without further ado, here's chapter 26... I hope you all enjoy it. Please don't forget to read and review.

o~O~o
Chapter 26
Knavish and Kindhearted
o~O~o

It was a week later and the Mitchell/Swanson household was far from normal. Everything was too quiet, too clinical and far too polite. For Beca and Jesse, it felt as though all the joy had been sucked out of their lives and despite it only being ten days since they lost their son, both of them expected to feel at least as though they had taken one step on the road to recovery.

Beca spent most of her time in her bedroom, curled up in bed, sleeping the days and nights away. She only got up to use the bathroom or get a drink and occasionally a lite bite from the kitchen. She wasn't in the least bit hungry but she knew she needed to eat something.

The nights were the longest.

One evening, she watched quietly as Jesse collected some of his things and moved into one of the guest rooms, explaining in just a few words before he left, that he thought she'd sleep better if he wasn't there. She didn't have the energy to argue or explain that she actually needed to feel him close by, even if they were both incapable of words.

After he left the room, she moved over to his side of the bed and curled up, missing him more than she did over the last week. Hours later, still awake after spending most of the day asleep, she was surprised and secretly pleased when he crawled quietly in the bed with her and went right to sleep. She laid there watching him for a little while before he turned his back on her in his sleep. While they had been sleeping in the same bed, it was like they were actually miles apart. There was no touching, no intimacy, they were just there. They were co-existing, co-habitating and both hugged different sides of the bed so as not to meet in the middle.

They were inches away from each other, but oceans apart.

She spent a lot of time texting her parents and Luke. Her mom had offered to move in for a few days to help out but Beca knew, as much as she loved her mom, that they'd end up at odds with each other and that wouldn't help anything.

Grief was boring and the hardest thing was that there was no set time limit, no protocol to follow and no one to tell them how they should be acting. Jesse had dealt with hardship throughout his life but nothing could have prepared him for his feelings of utter devastation at the partial loss of his family. He wasn't sure he could get it back.

While Beca spent as much time as possible in her bed, buried under a mound of blankets, Jesse was spending an equal amount of time away from the house. There was something about the warm colors, pretty soft furnishings and interesting knick knacks that now annoyed him. He wasn't feeling it; it had lost the homely feel, it had lost the spark.

He didn't tell Beca where he was going when he went out, and Beca didn't ask him. Truth be told, she couldn't be bothered to care when he poked his head into the bedroom to say he'd be back around dinner time.

On the eighth day after she got home, Luke visited with warm cinnamon rolls. Upon finding Beca laying in bed, looking worse than she had the day she had come home, he tried to persuade her to get up and take a short walk with him.

She, of course, had protested vehemently and argued that she wasn't ready but Luke had ignored her pleas and took all the blankets off her bed before walking into the bathroom. Returning to her bedroom with a wet washcloth, he threw it at her, soaking her pajamas and making her squeal.

"I hate you!" She bellowed, narrowing her eyes and balling up the wet cloth.

"At this point, I don't give two shits." Luke said, retreating to a safe distance, knowing Beca couldn't throw worth a damn but not wanting to risk it.

"Get out." Beca yelled, pissed off that Luke wasn't doing what she wanted him to do. She pulled her top off over her head and sat there in just her shorts and sports bra. Luke looked at the girl he had known since he was a boy and saw she still had the soft rounded baby bump. He swallowed the lump in his throat, realizing what she must have been going through as he approached her cautiously. She was too busy retying her hair into a messy ponytail to notice him until he took a seat on her bed.

"Beca..."

"What?" Beca snapped.

"... I'm really sorry about Bodhi. I know he was wanted and loved and everything-"

"-Yeah, well, it wasn't meant to be, right? I guess I'm not supposed to be a mother."

"Don't say that. You can't say that."

"I kinda can. You don't know what I'm going through."

"No... you're right, I don't. How can I? I can't ever experience your loss. But as your best friend, a man, dammit, even a human, I can empathize."

"Luke... , I..."

"I get it. It's ok to feel like shit. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to feel useless. But it's not ok to throw your life away. You are too damn important."

"I'm nothing without Bodhi."

"But you are. You are still his mum. You always will be. And in his memory, you have to live your life. You have so much left to achieve Beca. Don't throw it away."

"I don't know how to carry on."

"Well, take one day at a time. Today, you can shower. Tomorrow you can brush your birds nest of a hairdo. And the day after, perhaps change your clothes. It doesn't matter what you do, as long as you do it."

"I feel so alone."

"I'll be right by your side. I'm not going anywhere. I made you a promise when we were fourteen. Do you remember?" Luke asked. Beca shook her head but he knew the look in her eye that suggested otherwise. "Well, it was 'I, (sing your name), always promise to share food with you, send you links to things you will find funny to brighten your day, to text back as soon as possible, to never sweat the small stuff and to love each other without question for all eternity'. Now, don't tell me you forgot that?"

"I didn't." Beca said in the smallest of voices. "I didn't forget."

Beca turned over slowly in bed and reached into the top drawer of her bedside table and pulled out a picture frame. The frame proudly displayed the title 'best friends' and held a photo of a carefree, happy couple of thirteen year olds with their arms around each other and sporting stupid, sloppy grins. The other side of the frame held the same oath, hand written in purple ink and signed by them both.

"I've been a shit to you this year." Beca said. "I can't even try to explain it. And you being here right now is what I need but you can't understand what I'm going through. I wish you could because I know you would make it right."

"I wish I could take all the pain away." Luke leaned forward and embraced his best friend, holding her tightly as tears flowed from her. "You are going to hate what I am about to say and in a way, I can't quite believe I am even thinking along these lines."

"Spit it out."

"There is someone who can understand what you are going through."

"Who?" Beca asked, her mind immediately thinking of Ginger.

"Jesse."

"He can't possibly-"

"-That's the thing. He can. Bodhi was his as well. Bodhi was his fresh start and a new beginning, his connection for eternity with you. He didn't physically lose Bodhi but you need to understand that he lost his son... and dare I say it, he's lost you. You have quite clearly shut him out. He's grieving as well, but you are too wrapped up in yourself to see it."

"You can't talk to me that way."

"I can. I don't mean to sound insensitive but I always promised you that I would tell you when you needed to pull your head out of your arse, and now is one of those times. You need to let Jesse back in. And he needs you just as much. You can only begin to heal if you work together."

"Did he ask you to say something?" Beca asked, her eyes narrowing as she pulled away from Luke.

"No, not in the slightest."

"He was going to move into one of the guest rooms."

"Can you blame him? You have kinda shut him out."

"He should have been there."

"From what I've gathered, he tried."

"He didn't go through what I did. I was all alone Luke. I went through this traumatic experience by myself."

"And Jesse went through it by himself. I can only imagine how he felt seeing you holding Bodhi when the last message he got from you was that everything had settled down."

"Luke, I want you to leave."

"Well, I want a home in the country, a million dollars and one of the Queen's corgis but we can't always have what we want. Trust me, I know that all too well, in fact, better than you think."

"Why are you here?"

"To pull your sorry arse out of bed, to get you out in the fresh air and feed you something better than..." Luke looked around the littered bedroom. "... salsa chips and... wait, you've pigged out on Godiva chocolate bars."

"I needed candy."

"What you need... is-"

"-My son."

Luke looked over at Beca, her eyes brimming with more tears than he'd ever seen her cry and pulled her close to him again.

"This is going to take time. Let yourself grieve for your son and then, when you're ready, you and Jesse could buy a tree sapling, plant it somewhere in Bodhi's memory and then be thankful for his life, however short it was. It's all you can do for him now, except to remember him and be grateful for his footprint on your heart. But firstly, you need to start forgiving yourself, just a tiny bit. This wasn't your fault, it was nothing you did and you have to know that. Shitty things happen to good people. Then you're going to take a shower, because you do stink, you're going to eat something that requires thought and you're going to take a walk with me to get some air."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yeah. Please go make me a sandwich while I shower."

"Ok. You got it."

While the half an hour walk with Luke didn't cure all of Beca's inner demons, she realized that he was, in fact, right and she did need the time away from the house. They walked slowly, holding hands, as they talked about everything other than Bodhi. Beca even managed a smile as Luke put his spin on the tale of how they first knew each other, meeting all those years before, in the park. He reminded her of how strong and doggedly determined she was and this horrific time in her life was temporary and she would learn and grow from it. He also reminded her that she wasn't the only one devastated by the loss of her baby. He gently quieted her as she protested again and suggested that she call her parents who were also mourning the loss of their first grandchild.

She quietly accepted what he had to say, taking it all in. When they returned to the house, she kissed Luke's cheek and thanked him as he got into his car. She watched as he pulled out of the driveway and down towards the guards shack, thanking the stars above that she had him in her life. Beca had listened and while she wasn't ready to talk to Jesse, she wanted to let him know that she was thinking of him and she'd be making dinner that night.

"Hey, I'm going to make penne pasta with spinach and bacon for dinner. What time will you be home? XO"

Beca laid her phone on the kitchen counter and walked to the fridge. She hadn't noticed before that Silvana had bought her groceries and restocked her pantry but she was grateful and pulled out the ingredients that she needed to cook. She took her time in preparing the familiar dish; it usually took her twenty five minutes but she was surprised by the time she had finished to see that nearly an hour had passed. She wasn't hungry but the normality of the situation helped take her mind off of everything else. Beca served up two bowlfuls of the pasta and checked her phone to see if Jesse had replied.

He hadn't.

And she ate alone.

And slipped straight back into her depression.

o~O~o

"Was that your phone?"

"Yeah." Jesse answered with a lazy smile. He'd heard the message tone, signaling a text from Beca on his cell but he was far too comfortable to move.

"Is it the little wifey?"

"She's not my wife." Jesse replied, curling his lip ever so slightly.

"Do you want another coffee? Or you gonna run back home to her?"

"She won't care whether I am there or not."

"'Cuz of the kid?"

"Yeah."

"So you've got time for a coffee then?"

"Ok."

"Don't go anywhere."

"I won't." Jesse lazily replied as he rolled into the empty space left as Pepper got up to fetch two more coffees. Jesse watched her walk to the counter and licked his lips when she bent over to pick up the dollar she dropped. He wasn't sure if it was deliberate but frankly he didn't care. He liked the image, he liked Pepper and he liked how he was feeling at that point. Pepper was there for him, unlike Beca and he ignored the reminder chime on his phone telling him he had a message.

'Beca has ignored me since Vegas, it's time she get a taste of her own medicine.' He thought to himself before the lump in his throat appeared and he realized what he was doing. He loved Beca, more than life itself, but he needed her and she'd pushed him away. Everyone had ignored him, his feelings and his state of mind... everyone except Pepper.

Pepper returned with her peppy walk and sashaying hips. She handed Jesse his coffee as she edged past him to take her seat. She was fully aware that her ass was dangerously close to his face as she almost sat on his lap, pretending to miss the seat. Jesse playfully slapped her denim clad butt, letting his finger linger a little longer than necessary. Pepper wiggled her rear in his face and giggled.

They both turned towards each other as Jesse dug around in his inside pocket for a bottle to turn his coffee Irish. He held it in his hand for a moment or two, before deciding which way to go. He was oblivious to anyone else around him and Pepper made him laugh, something he needed in his darkening times.

He didn't realize his every move was being watched.

o~O~o

Luke was pissed. How could Jesse do this to Beca? He knew Jesse was mourning the loss of Bodhi and that everyone mourned differently but Jesse had no business being in a bar, especially given his history. All of that temptation in front of him and he had been doing so well, despite it looking like he had only ordered coffee. And what was worse was that while he was in a bar with the redhead that Luke had seen at their New Year's Eve party, Beca was home alone.

Luke had been supposed to meet up with a girl he'd met through work but after seeing Jesse, he'd chosen not to confront him in the bar and instead texted Heather and explained that something had come up. She sounded concerned in her response and quickly agreed to postpone their first date for a couple of days. She explained that she had been caught up at work and was running late and had been toying with the idea of canceling or postponing anyway. They chatted on the phone while Luke drove back to Beca's house. He wanted to let his best friend know where he'd just seen her fiance.

When Luke arrived at Beca's house it looked like no one was home, but he knew better, having left her just a few hours before. All the lights were off and her car was still parked on the driveway. Luke knew she had no plans to go out, since the doctor had told her it would be weeks before she was fully healed. It had only been a little over a week since she had gotten home from Vegas and Luke couldn't believe Jesse was already fucking about. Luke knocked on the front door, waiting for Beca to answer. When she didn't, he rang the the doorbell and waited. Still… no answer. Using his emergency key, Luke let himself in.

Looking around he could tell that Silvana had been there since he'd left Beca just after lunchtime. Everything was in it's place and smelled freshly cleaned and, as he walked past the kitchen, he noticed a bowl of pasta and a glass of tea sitting on the table. He stepped forward to read the note that was propped up against the bowl, 'Jesse, reheat in the microwave for two minutes xx', and his heart sank as he retreated out of the kitchen. Luke dropped his keys and wallet on the table in the foyer, before heading toward the staircase. Suddenly, as he started up the stairs, he worried about the state that he was going to find Beca in and wished he hadn't left her. He hadn't told her about his date, it didn't seem the right time with everything else going on. While he was desperately sad over everything that had happened, Luke also knew that life did go on. He was grateful, on occasion, for his stiff British upper lip.

He tapped lightly on her bedroom door and waited for an answer. He hated to just walk in especially when he was unsure of what was going on in her room. As he turned the doorknob, pushing the door gently open, he was taken aback. Beca was sobbing as she seemed to be dreaming, once again buried under a few blankets, rubbing her belly with one hand and the other hand holding her copy of 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' to her chest. Even though she had lost the baby, she hadn't stopped reading the book. Luke couldn't decide if that was healthy or not. He decided on the latter and wondered if he should wake her. Given her current state he couldn't burden her with what he had just seen at the bar. It could wait.

He picked up one of the loose blankets that had fallen onto the floor, climbed onto the bed beside her and molded himself around her, covering them both with the blanket. He felt her relax into him and she stopped the swirling movement around her tummy. Luke knew that for the first time in a very long time, Beca had fallen into a deep sleep as he held her.

o~O~o

After almost two weeks of crying and mourning the loss of her son, Beca finally decided she needed to get out of bed for more than just a few minutes after replaying her conversation with Luke a few times. What he said made sense and she was tired of laying around and she was surprisingly bored. She was tired of feeling alone and most of all she was tired of being tired. Laying in bed wasn't solving anything and it certainly wasn't bringing Bodhi back.

This was the day she had been dreading the most, it was the day she and Jesse had to attend Bodhi's memorial. Originally she wasn't crazy about the idea. She was mourning Bodhi the best way she knew how, which was to hide herself away from the world and everyone in it. Her mom and dad insisted that a memorial was needed for those who loved Bodhi but never got to meet him.

Anne and Luke worked tirelessly to make sure that the memorial would be just so. It would be small and intimate and only for those closest to the family. Beca didn't feel it was necessary but eventually gave in because it gave her mom something to focus on and she had heeded Luke's words about letting people grieve in their own way.

Looking at herself in the mirror as she brushed the knots out of her hair, Beca gasped. She was pale… even more pale than usual. Her cheeks had a hollow appearance and she had dark circles under her eyes. She was a mess and she wasn't sure that makeup could cover it all.

As she showered, she felt what she hoped was the last bit of pent up tears pooling in her red rimmed eyes. She was sure that over the last two weeks she had cried every last bit of fluid out of her body but she guessed now that she was wrong. She was weak, she'd dropped a good bit of weight since losing the baby and had only been eating and drinking just enough to take pain meds when she needed them and to keep hunger at bay.

Beca looked down at the tiny swell of her abdomen; instinctively she rubbed it. It was the place where her baby boy had lived for almost twenty one weeks. She felt so alone and so empty. Selfishly she wondered if she would ever feel whole again and would she ever get over losing Bodhi.

She had cried so hard when she saw him for the first time. He was perfect, fully formed and everything was there. She watched as his tiny heart beat slowly in his chest, his paper thin skin desperately trying to not tear as he was laid out across Beca's own heart. Beca held him, cuddled him, while his tiny heart was beating. She held him close to her own heart while she counted each of his fingers and toes and kissed his tiny head.

He had been so small yet he had already come to mean so much to her. Seeing the little person that had been dancing in her belly take his last breaths was so hard but at the same time those moments were the most beautiful and treasured she had. In her heart she knew that she'd done everything that she could to grow him and keep him safe but her head was telling her that his death was her fault and it was killing her softly and slowly.

After showering, she pulled on a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and one of Jesse's hoodies. As she walked down the stairs she called for him a couple of times but he didn't answer. She looked throughout the house and couldn't find him. When she checked the garage both cars were there so she knew that he couldn't have gotten far. As she stepped out onto the morning porch she heard the strum of his guitar coming from the guest house.

Wondering what he was doing in there, knowing it was where all of Bodhi's baby things were currently being stored, she walked across the backyard and towards the guest house. Nothing could have prepared her for what she was about to walk in on.

The door was cracked open and as Beca pushed it aside, Jesse began singing. He was sitting on a bar stool with his back to the door, as he strummed his guitar. She didn't disturb him, she just stood and listened.

"'Cause you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

'Cause you were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why."

Jesse turned as Beca gasped. She realized, in those moments, how selfish she was when it came to Jesse and just how right Luke had been; Jesse was hurting just as badly as she was but he chose to hide it from her and she had just as willingly ignored it and him. He turned away from her and hung his head. As Beca walked in, she saw the whiskey bottle and a glass on the bar. Next to the glass were the 16 week ultrasound picture and the sobriety chips Jesse had received every week he went to his support group.

Jesse set his guitar aside, as she stood in front of him. Cradling his face in her tiny hands, she begged, "Jess… please, tell me you didn't. Please."

"Beca, can we not do this right now?"

"Jesse, tell me you haven't had a drink."

He shook his head and turned away from Beca. "I did but-" He said, having the decency to look ashamed. He had been clean and sober for almost six months and just that quickly, he had slipped back into his bad habit.

"-But what?!" Beca snapped as she slapped him across the face. "Are you fucking kidding me right now?"

"I thought if I could have one drink that I could handle what's happened but one drink turned to two and..." Jesse admitted.

"... and what?"

"I couldn't stop… the burn felt too damn good."

"How could you be so fucking selfish?!" Beca yelled at him, beyond disappointed.

"I'm selfish? What about you? You haven't said more than two words to me since the day I arrived at the hospital, yet you were all over Luke as soon as we got home. You really have some fucking nerve calling me selfish. You didn't even let me have a say in our son's name!"

"I lost control over everything… including my body. It was betraying me in the worst imaginable way. I named Bodhi because it was the one thing in this whole screwed up mess that I could control!"

"Oh that's so fucking rich! Miss OCD couldn't control something-"

"-But-"

"But what Rebeca? But what? Do you think I don't see what's going on here? You've shut me out. You've pushed me away. You've turned cold and just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, after everything that's just happened, you call me selfish." Jesse repeated. "I didn't endanger our son's life by getting on an airplane, working more hours than necessary and then blame everyone else when it all went wrong."

"You blame me for this and you know what, that's fine. You're absolutely correct. I blame myself too. I'm the asshole who didn't sit in my ivory tower and expect to be waited on hand and foot while pregnant. I've never relied on anyone before and I wasn't sick, I was pregnant."

"You need to get over yourself!" Jesse bellowed and Beca smelled the whiskey fumes from his breath. Anger bubbled inside of her.

"You're right, I have been quiet. I have kept my thoughts to myself but I have not been selfish. I had a life ripped from my body before it was time. I sat in agony as I watched Bodhi take his first breath and his last. I laid there alone in my grief with his body next to mine as I felt the life and his soul slowly leave his body. That's not something you just 'get over'. Everyday for the rest of my life, I will mourn his loss and every February 24th at 2:47am, I will remember and relive the moment that Bodhi came into this world and was placed in my arms. And on that same day, at 2:51am, I will mourn the moment he left me. I was there for his first breath and I was there for his last. I watched him struggle for every single breath he took in between. So don't you dare call me selfish!" Beca yelled as hot, angry tears rolling down her cheeks.

"That's right Beca… it's all about you! Every last fucking bit of what happened! The entire world revolves around Beca Effin' Mitchell."

Beca gasped and felt the air violently leave her lungs. She was truly shocked and couldn't believe what she heard. Jesse couldn't have meant any of it. It was his anger talking but that didn't take the sting out of his words. And the worst part of all... was that she knew he was right.

She looked him in the eye for a few moments, recognizing the nervous twitch he got around his left eye when he'd had too much to drink. Wanting to say more, but at the same time being lost for words, she turned and started walking toward the door. As she reached for the knob, she began sobbing and in a voice just above a whisper, "Some have only ever dreamed of angels, that day… I held one in my arms." She said right before she walked out. The door closed quietly behind her.

And with that… she was gone.

Jesse stared at the door, willing Beca to come back. He hadn't meant what he said. He didn't blame her, he was just angry at the situation and beyond all reasonable thought… of course, the booze really wasn't helping matters at all. When Beca didn't reappear in the doorway, he knew it was best to leave her to stew for a minute or two. He saw the half empty bottle of alcohol, knowing that was the reason for his cloudy head, unkind words and muddled mind. He swiped his arm across the counter, sending glass and whiskey everywhere. Why couldn't anything in his life just be easy? Why did his life have to be one soap opera drama after another? It didn't seem fair.

Jesse hated himself in that moment. Beca was right. He hadn't been there. If he had just waited for that damn flight, maybe he would have made it. Maybe he would have gotten there in time to hold Beca's hand and tell her that everything was going to ok.

"Fuck!" Jesse mumbled, as he realized he had cut his hand on the broken glass. He watched as the blood began to seep out and he felt his shoulders begin to shake as the tears ran down his face.

He regretted the words he'd said as soon as they rolled off his tongue. He had one job as Beca's fiance and as Bodhi's father and he failed both of them. Now he had to wonder if he just lost the love of his life for good.

As he sat swathed in his own misery, he heard his Grandma's voice in his heart, 'Get up, go and find her and make it right'.

Jesse left the mess that he'd just made in favor of going to find Beca. He was determined to apologize and make things right. He had so much to apologize for that he didn't know where to start. He pulled out his phone and made a quick call before searching the house wondering where she was before finally realizing exactly where she would be. As he approached the door to what should have been Bodhi's bedroom, he silently said a prayer that Beca would forgive him and listen to what he had to say.

"Beca…" He said softly as he tapped on the partially open door.

Beca sniffled as she clutched the tiny blanket that Bodhi's body had been wrapped in and the Peter Rabbit stuffed animal that she loved so much as a child. Her mother had brought the rabbit to her a few days after the new year as a gift for the baby and most importantly as a peace offering to her daughter for not accepting her happy news right away.

"What?" She snapped a little too bitterly, looking up to see her fiance as he stood nervously rubbing his hands together in the doorway.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being there. I'm sorry for the things I've said and done and most of all, I'm sorry for hurting you."

"I appreciate and accept your apology but 'I'm sorry' doesn't repair what's happened." She said not looking at him, choosing instead to look out the window at the tree she had hoped would house a treehouse for their children.

"I called my sponsor. Donald is on the way over now. I fucked up but I'll make it right. I promise."

"I'm proud of you for calling him." She said after a long pause.

Beca wasn't quite sure how to take Donald. He was more than just a little weird with his perfectly coiffed pompadour haircut, thickly rimmed glasses and unusual style. The man had the ability to rap and beatbox like a pro, always had some quick quip and made a lot of musical references, like saying treble instead of trouble. He was handsome and unique in an modern Asian Indian Buddy Holly type of way.

"I can't risk losing you again." He said as he kneeled next to the rocking chair. He reached out his hand and placed it carefully over hers. His heart leapt when she didn't pull away. "We've already lost Bodhi… we can't lose each other too."

"I'm not going anywhere." She told him quietly, looking at his tear stained face as she leaned forward and kissed him gently. "I'll do what I can to keep you clean and sober but you have to do your part too. We can't keep going down this road. I won't survive it and neither will you."

She had seen Jesse at his best and she had seen him at his worst. She had helped him through some pretty rough, dark times and the one time she really needed him he wasn't there. And yet when he was, she wouldn't let him near. The two of them were at a horrible cross roads, an impasse she wasn't sure they could overcome.

Jesse lifted the hoodie she was wearing and kissed the now empty swell of her belly, something he had been doing since she told him she was pregnant. He was having trouble wrapping his mind around the fact that not long ago, Bodhi had been hanging out in there, growing like normal. Together they had enjoyed feeling him kick and now he was gone. It seemed so cruel, so unfair.

"He looked like he was sleeping…" Jesse told her as he continued to rub her belly. "… he was so tiny and so perfect."

"And he'll always be perfect." She agreed, closing her eyes and remembering the sight of her beautiful, tiny son wrapped in blankets as he was placed in her arms where she held him while he was taking his first and last breaths. She had been there when Bodhi was brought into the world and she was there when he left. It had been the most precious moment of her life and while it was also the most painful, she wouldn't have changed it for the world. "How lucky am I to have someone so precious that it makes saying goodbye so hard?"

"Extremely lucky." Jesse said as tears threatened to spill from his eyes.

"What do you think he's doing up there?" Beca asked as her hand found Jesse's. He squeezed their palms together.

"I'd like to believe that he's up there playing with the thousands of other little angel babies and with any luck he's found a best friend, just like you have with Luke. Someone he can tell all his little secrets to."

Beca smiled. She and Luke had been virtually inseparable since they were kids. There was nothing about her that Luke didn't know and vice versa. One of her biggest fears was the day when Luke grew tired of her crap and was no longer there for her.

"Why did you choose the name Bodhi?"

Beca took a deep breath and walked over toward the window, gazing out over the yard that she hoped she'd one day watch her children playing in. "A few days before, I started researching the names that we discussed, then… well… it happened. Anyway, I remembered reading that the reflected image of a Bodhi tree represents life's perfection and to me, Bodhi was and always will be perfect. A few of the symbolic meanings of the Bodhi tree are innocence, peace, hope, light, tranquility… All the things I wished and hoped for Bodhi in his transition from life to death."

"It makes sense now. I should have asked sooner." Jesse said as he wrapped his arms around her from behind, gently rubbing her tummy. "Does it hurt?"

"Does what hurt?"

"When I touch your tummy… does it hurt?"

She turned to face Jesse. "No, I mean I hurt and I'm still a little sore but you touching me doesn't hurt."

Jesse reached up to cradle her face with his hands and kissed her gently. They hadn't really touched since Beca had come home from the hospital; they both missed and needed it desperately. Breaking their kiss because he knew they couldn't finish anything they started, he kissed her cheeks, nose and forehead.

"Where do we go from here?" He asked as he mashed their foreheads together.

"Well… for starters, you need to stop bottling everything up. And definitely stop reaching for the bottle."

"And you need to stop shutting me out."

Beca turned her head away from Jesse. "It's not that easy."

"Why?"

"Because you're angry with me."

"Yes, I'm angry but not with you. I'm angry about the situation. We did everything right and it wasn't good enough."

Desperate to change the subject, Beca smiled. "I think we should focus on your sobriety, then we can get married as planned and try again. It won't bring our little man back again but with hope, a child will happen for us." She told him with a small smile on her face. "That's what everyone keeps telling us… right?"

"So… you still want to get married?" He asked, unable to keep the shock out of his voice.

"Yes, I can't wait to be your wife."

"Are you sure? We can put it off for a while you know?"

"Put what off?"

"The wedding… more kids."

"Jess, I need something to focus on. I need a distraction; I can't stay in bed forever. I have to work and we have a wedding to finish planning. We lost Bodhi but we have to remember that even though he's not here with us, we're still living. As much as it hurts, we have to go on… for him."

"Ok… then I guess we plan a wedding." Jesse smiled wrapping his arms around her waist. "I love you."

Beca lowered her lips to his. "I love you too… more than you'll ever know."

They held each other for a few minutes, heads buried into necks and arms wrapped tightly around each other. They were in no way healed, but the hug symbolized a huge step on the road to their recovery.

"As much as I love this," Beca said, pulling away from Jesse, "we have a memorial to attend to honor our son."

"Yeah, your Mom has worked hard on it. Luke too." Jesse said, standing up and holding out his hand to help Beca up.

"If it's what she needs to get through the day, then it is what it is." Beca said simply.

"Maybe we could invite them over for a dinner when you're feeling up to it."

"Jesse Swanson, are you voluntarily agreeing to have dinner with my parents."

"Yes ma'am, I guess I am." Jesse grinned, pulling the door to the former nursery closed behind him. They walked back to the master bedroom. "My dark blue suit, it's back from the cleaners, right? Thought I'd wear that this afternoon."

"I think that would be lovely." Beca said quietly. "And when we get home, I'd really like for us to spend some time together. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too."

o~O~o

Beca had good days and she had bad days. The bad far outweighed the good and in the two and a half weeks since she'd been home, she had willing gotten out of bed only a handful of times. Most times she was forced out bed so that Silvana could change the bed sheets. Beca would sit in her favorite chair by the window, listening as Silvana mumbled prayers in Spanish while she was working. It was strangely comforting to listen to Silvana. She knew that Beca would recognize the prayers and hoped that she appreciated them.

While things had gotten a little better with Jesse, they were at least speaking to each other, she missed him but she wouldn't dare say it. She was too angry at the world and everyone in it to actually say it, so instead, she took comfort in his scent left on the sheets. She hated when Silvana changed the sheets because it meant his scent was no longer there. The scent of his body wash and cologne lingered in the room long after he'd gotten up and gone to work.

Today was a particularly bad day, especially since they had had yet another fight a few days before. Try as he might, Jesse couldn't get Beca out of bed. He begged, pleaded, apologized and even tried bribing her with all of her favorite foods and a relaxing dip in the hot tub. He tried telling her that he wouldn't make her watch a movie, as long as she got out of bed. When nothing he tried worked, he called Luke. Unfortunately, Luke was on a date with his new girlfriend Heather and couldn't come over. The next call Jesse made was to Amy. When he told her what was going on she told him, "I got this mate. Be there soon."

Thirty minutes later Amy came barreling through the front door and into the house like a bull in a china shop. "Where is she?"

"Still in bed." Jesse said, pointing upstairs. "She hasn't moved an inch in two days."

"Why?" Amy said giving Jesse the stank eye.

Jesse had the decency to look guilty. "We may have had a pretty big fight a few days ago."

"May have had a fight?"

"Ok… we had a fight."

"And?"

"I may have called her selfish but-"

"-Well, mate… I may have to kick your ass."

"Amy, we both said things we shouldn't have said."

"Would it kill you to show her some compassion? She lost a baby."

"Damn it… so did I!" Jesse bellowed.

Jesse's sudden outburst startled Amy… something that wasn't easily done. She took a step back and soaked in what Jesse had just yelled at her, narrowing her eyes as his statement made its way through her brain. It was true Beca had lost a baby, but so had Jesse. Maybe she needed to cut him a little slack.

"Well mate, she's getting out of bed today." Amy announced shoving Jesse out of the way and stomping up the stairs. "And after I'm through with her, it's your turn."

Jesse watched as Amy and thought, 'This could go one of two ways.', and either way he had to be prepared to protect his junk.

Throwing the door to master bedroom open, Amy yelled, "Get up munchkin! It's beach day!"

"Damn it! You're too fucking loud. Get out." Beca mumbled into her pillow.

"No. You're getting up and we're going to the beach."

"No, I'm not. It's too cold to go to the beach."

"I didn't say we were swimming." Amy told her. "We're going to get some fresh air. I even packed a picnic lunch."

"Good for you. Have fun."

Amy crawled in the bed and snuggled Beca. "Aww, come on Bec. Come to the beach with me. Please?" She pleaded.

"Call Aubrey... she'll go with you."

"I'm not calling Aubrey. She's no fun!" Amy rolled her eyes. If she had wanted to go to the beach with Aubrey she would have called her. "I'm not going to the beach with her. She criticizes the way I make sand castles... Something about the angles being catty wompus or something equally OCD and anal retentive."

"I'm not going to the beach Amy."

"Please! Please go with me Beca." Amy begged with sad puppy eyes. "Pleaseeeee! I love going to the beach because the ocean makes my butt look so much smaller than it actually is."

For the first time since Amy arrived, Beca giggled because only Amy would compare the size of her ass to the ocean.

"If you say yes, I'll promise not to sing or tell crude jokes at the office for a whole day."

"A week."

"A week? That's too long, how about three days and no more naked pictures of my Bumpy as my screensaver."

"Why can't I have normal friends?"

"Come on Beca. It'll be fine. I'll buy you an ice cream."

"Ok... fine! I'll go!" Beca said throwing the blankets off of her.

"Yeah! We're going to the beach, beach, beach! Let's go get away and-"

Beca turned and cut her eyes at Amy in a way that suggested that if she wanted to remain among the land of the living then she should shut the fuck up. Amy kissed Beca's cheek before she crawled off the bed and said she'd be waiting in the kitchen for Beca when she was ready but if she wasn't down in fifteen minutes, it wasn't Amy's fault if she accidently went skinny dipping as a result.

As Beca walked downstairs with a scowl on her face and her beach tote in hand, Jesse began to wonder why he hadn't left the house while the coast was clear and he still had the chance.

"Did you call her?"

"I might have." Jesse said wincing.

"We'll discuss this when I get home but if by chance I don't make it back, just know that my parents will kick you out of the house and you'll get nothing since I still haven't changed my will." She said as she poked him in the chest with every word she uttered. "I love you!" She called over her shoulder. "Amy… let's do this!"

Jesse has clearly dodged a bullet and he owed Amy a huge debt of gratitude. She had done something that so far, no one else had been able to accomplish and Amy shot him a knowing smile as she raided their fridge.

"I thought you said you'd packed a lunch..." Beca said, poking her head around the kitchen doorway. She watched as Amy filled a shopping bag with treats.

"I did. You just saw it." Amy smirked. "It just so happened to be outta your fridge, not mine. So long Jesse!"

Not knowing how long the girls would be gone, Jesse picked up his keys and headed for the garage as soon as he heard Amy's car leave the driveway. He was on a mission to tick a few things off of his to do list and he was determined to get it done that day. He'd made plans with Pepper to go over the contract but first he had to meet Will for lunch.

And he wasn't quite sure which way either of the meetings was going to go.

o~O~o

Beca enjoyed the drive to the beach, though she was glad that she put her hair up in a messy bun since Amy decided to put the top of her convertible down. Amy was right… something Beca rarely admitted. The weather was amazing and it would have been a shame to waste the day in bed. Beca found herself looking forward to feeling the sand between her toes, some fresh air in her lungs and a breeze on her face.

When they arrived at the beach Beca was happy to see that they were a part of the rare few that chose to spend a brisk March day in the sand and the surf. Santa Monica was always gorgeous, but today it was exceptionally so, and she looked longingly out of the window as the mid morning sun danced across the waves breaking lazily on the sand.

After unloading the car and selecting a great spot, the girls settled in for a day in the sun. Beca was surprised that Amy had brought so much with her but as she unpacked picnic blankets, chairs and a small stereo, Beca was touched to see that Amy had thought of everything. As the girls relaxed into their beach chairs, the conversation came easily. Amy filled Beca in on what had been going on at the office and even admitted to missing her distant moodiness. Amy also told Beca that Lilly and Kimmy Jin seemed to miss her too and asked repeatedly when she planned to return to work.

Beca admitted that she missed work and everyone at the office… even Lilly and Kimmy Jin. They had kept her house filled with flowers, plants and get well baskets of fruit and cookies since she'd gotten home. She was very appreciative of all the well wishes and condolences but agreed that she would see how she was feeling the following week before she made a decision about going back to work. Technically she didn't have to rush back, she had been granted bereavement leave but she was also still on medical leave. Dr. Kaiser cleared her to go back when she was ready and agreed that she would provide a doctor's note for Sawyer when Beca gave her the word.

Amy and Beca were thoroughly enjoying their girl time. It had been a while since Amy had seen Beca smile and she wanted more than anything to be able to help her friend, she missed her. Amy knew there was nothing that she could say or do that would make things better but she hoped by spending time with Beca that it would help her ease back into life as she once knew it.

"Amy, what is Fender's real name?" Beca asked, breaking up a quiet moment as she bit into a slice of apple.

"Bumper..."

"Fender… Bumper… Same thing… right?"

"Not exactly."

"Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto." Beca rattled off the popular phrase. "Come on, spill it, what's Spark Plug's real name?"

"Bumper…" Amy insisted as she rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, yeah... Amy whatever. So… what's his real name?"

Amy folded her arms over her ample bosom. "I'm not sure I should tell you."

"Why? It can't be worse than Mudflap."

"Don't be so sure."

"Come on Amy... Just tell me! I can't call him Clutch forever."

"Ok... ok!" Amy huffed, knowing she was going to get grief for Bumper's name. "His name is Richard Babcock."

"I'm sorry, it's what?" Beca asked as she choked on a grape.

"RichardEdweenieBabcock." Amy rattled off quickly, hoping Beca wouldn't catch what she said. "There! I said it!"

"Edweenie?"

"Yes, there was a mix up at the hospital. It was supposed to be Edward, but whoever typed up the birth certificate made a typo.

"Dude! That's one fucking awful typo! Richard 'Dick' Edweenie Babcock! That's awesome! And his parents didn't get that shit fixed? How fucking cruel?! They must truly hate him!"

"Apparently they never got around to changing it because Bumper was a terrible baby."

"Not surprising." Beca said, staring at a cookie for a moment before ultimately deciding to eat it.

"Shut up! He had colic."

"So, ya boy was full of gas… how fitting? Is that why they called him Bumper?"

"No! His nickname is Bumper because his mom was backing out of the driveway and she saw him right before the bumper hit him in the forehead."

"This story keeps getting better and better!" Beca laughed as she rolled around on the beach blanket.

She hadn't laughed that hard since she and Amy were in Vegas. When she realized that was the last place she really laughed she stopped, sat up, reached into her tote and pulled something out.

"What's that?" Amy asked, both curious at the sudden change in Beca's demeanor and what she was holding in her hands.

Beca took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in her throat as tears streamed down her face. "It's … Bodhi."

"What do you mean 'it's Bodhi'?"

"This box holds his ashes." Beca said as she stroked the box.

"Ok… and, why did you bring him to the beach?"

"Because…" Beca started before carefully placing the box back into her tote. "Amy… I need you to take me somewhere."

"Ok… where are we going?"

"I'll tell you in the car." Beca said as she took her phone out and started to make a call. "Amy, you ready to go?"

"We're going now?" Amy asked, watching as Beca dusted the sand off of her toes.

"Yep."

"But... but I didn't get to build my sandcastle." Amy said, the disappointment clearly evident in her voice.

"I know." Beca said, packing up her bags quickly. "We'll come back and do it another day."

"Promise?"

"As long as Dick stays at home, yeah?" Beca said, standing and gathering up the picnic blanket. She folded it quickly and Amy picked up all of their belongings. Amy was about to speak when Beca's call finally connected and she started speaking.

Amy watched in confusion. She had no idea who Beca was talking to or why but whatever it was, it was serious. "Thanks Kat, you're the best. I'll see you in about an hour or so."

When Beca ended her call, she put an address into Amy's navigation system and they were on their way. The mood seemed to lighten up again as they talked. During the course of the conversation they got back to Bumper's given name.

"At least his mom didn't name him after a kitchen spice like that hooker chick Pepper's mom did." Amy quipped.

"I don't know Ames… I think I'd rather be named Pepper."

"Car parts are so much sexier than your average everyday run of the mill kitchen spices!"

"Says the chick that's fucking a car part."

"Car parts have weight and texture. You can feel them in your hand... Kitchen spices dilute in broths and disappear, leaving nothing more than a lackluster taste in your mouth."

"I'd rather get fucked by something spicy than have to touch your fender bender."

"What he can do with his part usually leaves me exhausted!" Amy laughed, the navigation system indicating the freeway exit they should take.

"Probably because he's full of gas." Beca answered back. Amy reached over and patted Beca's leg.

"It's good to hear the sarcasm."

Beca smiled. "It's good to be back."

They drove the rest of the way listening to music and the monosyllabic tone of the sat nav system giving Amy instructions. When they pulled up outside of Kat Von D's High Voltage Tattoo parlor, Amy looked over at Beca and wondered what she had up her sleeve but didn't dare ask. Whatever it was put a smile on Beca's face and that was all that mattered.

o~O~o

Lunch with Will had gone better than expected. Jesse had initially thought that Will was going to show up with a check and pay him to walk out of Beca's life. To his shock and surprise, that didn't happen. Will had chosen a small French cafe that had just opened at The Grove and Jesse was pleasantly surprised that the menu, and food, was as good as it was. He was desperate for a drink but he remembered his promise to Beca to stay sober. He texted Donald before and after the meal to let him know he'd gotten through lunch ok. He'd turned his ringer off to give Will his full attention and when he turned it back on, he was surprised to see he had eleven missed calls from Pepper.

Resisting the urge to call her back, Jesse had shaken Will's hand warmly and agreed that Jesse should bring Beca to the 'Petit Cafe' when she was feeling more like herself.

As Jesse sat at a red light, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, Will's words kept running through his head, replaying over and over like a bad infomercial. Their talk over lunch had been most informative.

"Don't give up on her. I know it's hard, but I've been right where you are, twice before we had Beca and once after. Anne was devastated and felt like a failure as a woman. That's something we, as men, will never understand. It's different for a woman. Their bodies go through everything while we sit back and watch. As much as you try to understand, you can't. I don't mean to minimize your loss because you've lost just as much as Beca but please, don't give up on her. She's never given up on you. And whether she admits it or not, she needs you."

Will had an idea while they were at lunch and though Jesse was on the fence about it, he decided to follow Will's lead as, after all, he knew his daughter better than anyone. And truth be told, his idea wasn't completely terrible… or was it? This idea had the potential to blow up in Jesse's face if Beca rejected it.

The entire drive home, the words Will spoke haunted Jesse… "... please, don't give up on her. She's never given up on you."

It was true, Beca had never given up on him.

Jesse's guilty conscious was getting the better of him. He knew he was wrong for what he'd been doing but he was helpless to stop it, especially since Beca had checked out physically and emotionally. As a man, as a human, he had needs and he hated himself for giving into temptation so easily.

He pulled into the driveway and sat there for a minute, gathering his thoughts and his nerve before getting out. Walking around to the other side of the car, he opened the door and took the box off the back seat. "It's now or never." He said as he closed the door with his foot and made his way to the front door.

He walked in the house, unsure if Beca and Amy were back from the beach. "Beca! I'm home."

"Be down in a minute." She called from upstairs.

He was surprised, she almost sounded like her old self. Maybe the time with Amy at the beach had been just what she needed after all.

"Hey!" She said as she walked down the stairs. Jesse immediately noticed she'd showered and put on fresh clothes.

"Hey babe! How was your day with Amy?"

Beca gave Jesse a quick kiss and said, "It was good. It was nice to get out and get some fresh air."

"I have a surprise for you but-"

"-But what?"

"If you like it, then it was my idea but if you don't, it was all your dad's idea."

Beca smiled. "What is it?" Jesse pointed to a box sitting in front of the fireplace. "That's a pretty big box." Beca finally said before walking over and bending down in front of it.

"Are you going to open it or just look at it?"

"Help me with the lid?" Beca said as she kneeled down and lifted off the lid with Jesse's assistance. The gasp that left her lips as Jesse swung the top of the box over her head made him jump but he looked down at her to see the widest smile that he'd ever seen on her face.

"Surprise!" He called out as she turned to look at him before reaching into the box.

"PUPPIES! Oh my God! You got me rottweiler puppies!"

"I did." He smiled as he watched her pull one of the wiggling, furry, squeaking young dogs onto her lap. She lovingly kissed the top of its head before going back for the other one who was making a pathetic attempt to bark at the absence of its friend. Beca held them both to her chest as they burrowed little wet noses into her neck. Jesse grinned broadly as the puppies began licking Beca's cheeks. "Do you like them?"

"I love them already, but why two?"

"Well, I couldn't decide if you'd want a boy or a girl so I got one of each."

"Do they have names?"

"No, you get to name them."

"Well…" Beca started. "They have to have badass names because Fifi and Sam just won't do."

"No, I guess they won't." Jesse chuckled. "What are you thinking?"

"What do you think of Jagger and Roxie?"

"They're perfect!"

"Thank you Jess." Beca said sincerely, batting one puppy away as he tried to nibble her nose.

"No baby, thank you."