A/N: Corinne, you are bestest beta ever. Thanks for everything, but especially for your friendship. xx

o~O~o
Chapter 37
Paroxysm and Perplexity
o~O~o

Beca was exhausted.

She hadn't ever imagined how tired she could get.

Emotionally, she was drained to the point that she felt she wanted to close her eyes for the next few months and wake up when it was time to finally meet her baby girl.

But she was so freaking happy at the same time.

It was the day after Valentine's Day and she'd just woken up after hearing Jagger whimpering at the door to be let out. Looking at the clock by her bed, she saw it was just after two am. Beca could swear that the dogs were getting her used to Midnight feedings, colic and late night diaper blowouts.

Slipping out of bed, she looked back at Jesse who was sprawled out, fast asleep, clearly having face planted the mattress.

Roxie, seeing her brother was getting a free pass to the back yard, followed Beca and Jagger down the stairs and into the kitchen. Beca opened the back door, let both of the dogs outside and leaned against the door jamb for a moment to make sure they didn't bark with excitement and wake up all of the neighbors.

Turning back into the kitchen, she walked to the island and lifted the lid on a box of cupcakes and treats, left overs from Jesse's final surprise of the day. She inhaled the delicate pastry aroma and she couldn't resist running her finger through the pile of buttercream that adorned one of the muffins. Lifting it to her mouth, she savored the sugary goodness for a moment as she thought about the day before.

Beca never, in her wildest dreams, could have ever guessed that Jesse would take the initiative to not only apologize to everyone that he made her cut out of their lives, without any prompting from her, but, with their help, had arranged a surprise baby shower. He had taken it upon himself to look through Beca's contacts, organize the catering and decorations and even approached Silvana, to see if she could fit in some time to quickly clean the house. Jesse knew the house was already clean, tidy and ready for visitors but knew Beca would appreciate the fresh, bleachy smell she so loved when she walked through the door. Beca knew that approaching Silvana would have been something that was hard for Jesse to do, after his raucous parties the year before. She was quietly impressed.

Beca was even further touched when she discovered that Jesse had found the time to take both of her puppies to the groomer for a bath and trim. He even made sure that Jagger was proudly sporting a new bandana and Roxie had pink bows on her ears for the special occasion.

She decided, as she'd already dug her finger into the creamy frosting, that she might as well finish off the muffin that she could swear had been calling her name. She was halfway through the carrot cake muffin when Roxie and Jagger rejoined her in the kitchen, the sound of the cake being removed from its wrapper the focus of their attention. Seeing as she didn't have to put any effort into calling them in from the back yard, Beca split the remains of the muffin between her fur babies and wiped her fingers on the towel that had been left on the kitchen counter.

"Come on you two." She said quietly, unsure whether she'd be heard over the sound of the chomping that was going on. "Back to bed."

Beca turned off the kitchen light as she made her way out into the family room and smiled as she began to climb the stairs. This time a few days ago, she'd felt lonely, sad and a little afraid. She missed her family and friends but even she could admit that Jesse had caught her off guard with his plans for Valentine's Day.

After their long, leisurely and quite emotional lunch with Luke, Beca was looking forward to taking a relaxing bath and having a quiet evening in with Luke and Jesse. When they got home to a very dark and empty looking house, Beca was disappointed to see that Jesse wasn't there as he said he would be. She walked through her front door and as she turned on the light, she and Luke were welcomed into the foyer filled with hundreds of pink balloons and pink silk bunting on anything that stood still.

As Beca struggled to take it all in, she called out in amazement as she wondered what Jesse had done and she nearly shrieked in shock as she was suddenly greeted with shouts of "Surprise!".

Luke quickly grabbed her arm to stop her from falling backwards as faces appeared from every corner of her house. As her eyes adjusted to the bright light and sudden cacophony of sounds, she saw Amy balancing precariously at the top of the stairs with a tea tray on her head and Kimmy Jin and Lilly coming out of her hallway closet. Beca could barely take it all in and struggled to control her emotions as she saw her Mom walking through the wall of balloons, popping two of them accidentally with the brooch on her lapel as she rushed to her daughter's side.

"Mommy!" Beca called out as she fell into her Mom's arms. The usually reserved Anne cried as they held each other, the elder stroking her daughter's hair as they stood hugging for the first time in such a long time. Luke watched Jesse's face change as he observed their first interaction in three months. Jesse's face said it all as he looked to the ground, a hint of shame to his face and Luke felt he'd actually learned a lesson.

One by one, the family flocked around Beca as she stood in the hallway. Aunt Gail shrieked loudly several times and Beca began to wonder if she still had any of the puppy's tranquilizers left to calm her down. She kept rubbing her hands all over Beca's rounded baby bump and while Beca didn't completely object to being manhandled, she was quite glad when her Mom dragged her further into the room, away from her enthusiastic aunt.

Aubrey came forward with a baby on each hip and had quite the stern face on her as she approached Beca, who was sure she was about to get a reproach from her cousin. Instead, Aubrey kissed Beca's cheek as she handed Penny to her then whispered in her ear that if she 'ever pulled a stunt like that again, she'd personally drop kick her, pregnant or not, into the following week'. Beca rested against Aubrey for a moment and quietly said that if it happened again, she was counting on Aubrey to make it right. The cousins hugged for a minute or two until Pru began to fuss and Aubrey disappeared off into the kitchen to calm her down.

Amy approached from the bottom of the stairs, still carrying her tea tray and wearing what could only be described as a bright yellow kaftan. Beca quickly handed Penny to Luke, anticipating what was about to happen. Beca was half lifted, half dragged into the family room by her best friend who had squeezed Beca so hard that she thought she might actually give birth in her family room. Amy was suspiciously quiet and when she finally released Beca, setting her down with a jolt onto the floor, Beca saw two large tears coursing their way down Amy's cheeks.

"I missed you so much." Amy said. Beca was convinced that was the first sensible, and meaningful thing she had ever heard her Australian friend say. For a moment she wondered if Amy was alright, or if Bumper had finally managed to tame her wild friend but as she turned at the sound of someone calling her name, Beca felt Amy snap her bra strap and knew that nothing had really changed. Beca quickly left the room before Amy gave her a wedgie.

After half an hour of lots of squealing, hugs and telling everyone about her sonogram appointments, Beca escaped to the kitchen to get a drink and few moments of peace. She walked in to find Luke and Jesse perched on the bar stools, seemingly having quite an intent conversation amongst themselves... voluntarily.

"Hey." Jesse said, looking up as she walked in. He smiled broadly at her.

"Hey. Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt." Beca said, unable to keep her face impassive.

"It's ok. I was just telling Jesse that he did a good job." Luke said, clapping a hand on Jesse's shoulder. Beca's eyes widened at the interaction.

"Thanks. Means a lot." Jesse said, holding out his hand to Luke. Beca watched as Luke hesitated for a fraction of a second but took the offered outstretched hand.

The rest of the evening had gone well and Beca wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry as everyone gathered in a large pile to take the last group picture of the evening. She was extremely tired after such an emotional day and couldn't wait for a warm bath and a couple of episodes of The Walking Dead to fall asleep to. But as Amy put a princess crown on top of Luke's head for the final picture, Beca couldn't help but giggle at the token male in the bunch. Luke seemed completely unfazed by it all as he was hugged and kissed just as much as Beca was and for what seemed like the millionth time in her life, Beca couldn't understand how or why Luke stayed around when she gave him so much grief. She truly loved him.

As Beca closed her bedroom door, the click woke Jesse who raised his head from the mattress and clumsily looked around the room. Settling his eyes on his wife, he grinned sleepily.

"Hey." He murmured. "You ok? Where'd you go?"

"Puppies needed to pee." Beca explained as she climbed back into bed. "Sorry for waking you."

"No worries." Jesse said, yawning as Beca laid down, nestling her shoulders into her soft pillows.

"Night."

"Night." Jesse repeated. He waited a few seconds until the dogs began to settle in their beds by the window before he inched over to Beca's side of the bed. He knew there were rules and he respected Beca's wishes but as he wrapped his arm around hers and nestled into her back, he felt her relax against him, even pushing one of her legs between his as she began to drift off to sleep.

'Maybe there's a real chance for us.' Jesse thought to himself as he laid his head down, next to Beca's. 'Maybe, everything will be alright from now on.'

But life always had its own agenda and it always got its own way.

~Weeks Later~

Addictions...

Dealers…

Temptations...

Drugs…

Lies…

None of it ever truly goes away… does it?

The smallest of problems trigger the reaction, the need to turn back to the one thing that makes you feel something. For some, it's a few tokes on a cigarette, some people it's the burn of a glass of whiskey as it slides down their throat and for others, it's a simple handful of candy. Some shoot drugs into their veins to escape life itself while others reach for a bucket of fried chicken as their comfort or to forget about the bad day at work.

Whatever the issue, it never really goes away. As much as you can teach yourself ways to deal with the problem, the remnants remain with you for life. Like papering over a crack, the undeniable thirst to give in is always, always there.

And Jesse was no exception.

After the successful Valentine's Day Baby Shower, Jesse earned a few brownie points among Beca's family and friends. While it could be argued that he hadn't organized any real entertainment for the evening, no one could blame him for the effort he put into sorting out the catering and decorations. No one complained about the lack of an activity to do, everyone was content to spend time catching up with each other and opening the gifts that had been brought for the new baby.

Jesse lost major points though for forgetting to call and invite MawMaw until that afternoon. She chewed him up and spit him out when he finally remembered to call, which he totally expected, then told him that she had a hot date with Walter and wouldn't have been able to attend anyway. Jesse told her that Walter was more than welcome to attend the party, but MawMaw said she wasn't ready for him to meet "all the crazies". Before ending the call, MawMaw very proudly told Jesse that she and the Sew-n-Sew's at the senior center had quilted a beautiful blanket for the baby and promised to visit one day during the following week.

For a couple of days afterwards, Jesse rode the unbelievable high. A different kind of high than the one he felt when he was drinking, this was comfortable and nice. Beca began to open up a little bit again as they worked on their relationship one small step at a time. Jesse was used to adhering to a program, going through the motions and opening up. He pulled out all the stops and behaved impeccably.

As the days turned into weeks, Jesse finally began to relax and even started to enjoy life again. He lost some of his nervousness but made sure he remembered to show Beca how much he loved her each and every day. He wondered if his old life was finally behind him.

But life, and karma, wasn't quite prepared to give Jesse the break he so needed.

Not when he owed his drug dealer money. Lots and lots of money.

o~O~o

After a pleasant day of decorating the new baby's room in preparation for her arrival which was just a few weeks away, Jesse and Beca had spent the evening enjoying Chinese take out and snuggling on the couch while watching the movie Whiplash. Throughout the movie, they both made comments about the music and discussed the performances given by Miles Teller and J.K. Simmons. Beca thought that Miles Teller's performance was one of his best to date while Jesse respectfully disagreed saying that the performance made him look like nothing more than a whiney, spoiled rotten brat.

Eventually, they agreed to disagree and didn't talk for the remainder of the movie.

After the movie, they cleaned up the containers from dinner and desperately tried to stop the dogs from digging in the trash can. They were moving in sync, like a young, married couple should, with The Late, Late Show playing in the background, and while neither one of them was really paying attention to the television, the low tones filled the otherwise quiet house.

There was a commercial on about some magic scrubber that was cut off very suddenly by the local news station. One of the news anchors could be heard saying, "Good evening, this is Kylie Walker with KTLA News 5. We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to bring you breaking news! There's been an explosion at an apartment complex near the corner of West Compton and North Wadsworth. We know that the area is on the rough side of town and is very heavily populated with prostitutes, gangs and known drug dealers. It is unknown at this time if there are any injuries associated with the explosion but we hope to have an update from Michael Flynn momentarily. Stay tuned."

Beca caught the majority of the news bulletin as she turned off the light in the kitchen, thinking how sad it was for someone's home to be destroyed. She loved her home, it was both her security and her sanctuary and she knew every inch of space within its four walls. Having part of it destroyed like that would have been beyond devastating.

When Beca walked into the family room, she noticed that Jesse's posture had changed from just moments before. Gone was the relaxed, happy Jesse; the one who had just been ruffling Jagger's ears in the kitchen and patting Roxie as he gave a firm command that they were not to dig in the trash can. He now stood perfectly still, staring at the television, willing the commercials to be over sooner rather than later. She wondered if he knew anyone that still lived in that area but didn't ask any questions, she just walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. Something had clearly affected him about the news broadcast.

Jesse silently willed Beca to take her hands off of him. He felt physically sick as he prepared to answer a barrage of questions from Beca about what was upsetting him. How was he going to explain everything he was trying so hard to keep hidden from her? As soon as he saw the picture on the screen of the raging fire taking place, he just knew what had happened and who was involved.

Jesse did know the area, in fact, he knew it much better than he should. He had spent a lot of time in Compton and shared in the general consensus that it was one of the worst places in Southern California. He wanted to say something to Beca. He needed to tell her something but just as he opened his mouth to speak, the KTLA logo was back on the screen and Kylie Walker was talking.

"Welcome back to this KTLA News 5 special newscast. We're going to go straight out to Michael Travis who's on the scene of that explosion in Compton. Michael… what's the latest?"

"Good evening Kylie. As you can see behind me, it's absolute chaos out here. The authorities won't let us get any closer to the scene but the information I was given by the Fire Chief, a few minutes ago, is that a couple was seen getting into that Brown 1980 Chevy Nova." Michael said, pointing to a smoldering car, currently being hosed down by firemen. "Witnesses have reported that as soon as the engine was started, there was a loud 'BOOM' and the car burst into flames. Witnesses immediately tried to put the fire out with a few garden hoses and handheld fire extinguishers but they had to give up their efforts when the car became engulfed in flames. The couple inside did attempt to exit the vehicle but were overcome by smoke and fire. It's been confirmed that both have died and are currently waiting for transport to the medical examiners office."

"Michael, have the individual's been identified?"

"The police have stated that witnesses were able to give the investigator first names of the individuals but were unable to provide last names. They are waiting to get positive identities before publically naming the victims. Also, standard protocol states that even if they are positively identified, their identities are to be kept confidential until the family or families have been notified."

"So, did the witnesses know the couple? Did the couple live in the complex? Or were they visitors?"

"Apparently, according to the witnesses, they were residents of the complex but again, until positive identification can be made, it's all just speculation at this point." Michael said. "When the investigation out here is complete, investigators plan to move inside the complex in hopes of finding additional clues in this case."

"Thanks Michael. We'll touch base with you again shortly." Kylie said. "In other news…"

Beca let go of Jesse, reached down to pick the remote up off the coffee table and turned off the TV. Jesse hadn't uttered a word since the broadcast started and Beca was starting to worry that maybe he really did know someone that lived down there.

Jesse recognized the apartment complex, the car and the neighbors that were interviewed. He recognized all of it. He knew the truth in his heart but his head kept telling him to slow down and wait for someone to get in touch with him.

The dreaded phone call… that no one ever wants to get.

o~O~o

It took Jesse four days to begin to snap out of his funk.

He woke up around noon on Thursday to an empty house. He was desperately thirsty, having slept on his back with his mouth wide open for most of the night and his throat was dry. He groaned as he smacked his lips together and made his way down stairs to the kitchen for a drink.

"Beca?" He called out, his voice slightly raspy. He received no reply and wondered where she'd gone. All of the doors were closed so he knew she wasn't in the back yard. He briefly wondered if she was in the guest house but he hadn't, and still wasn't, prepared to go into that part of the property but a quick inspection out of the kitchen window, across the morning porch, showed the door was shut and the little house was steeped in blackness.

He wandered aimlessly through the downstairs with his glass of water, undecided what to do with himself. He wasn't even sure what day of the week it was and felt quite dazed and lost. He'd gone to bed very late the night before as he'd spent a lot of time on his laptop searching for news about the explosion. He still couldn't fathom what was going on and each news article left him more confused as the police continued to search for clues.

He had been so desperate for a drink that he almost called Donald at three in the morning but in his panicked and freaked out state, he managed to call Domino's Pizza instead. Even more confused, he managed to order four extra large meat lovers pizzas which arrived twenty seven minutes later with a free two liter of coke. He wasn't sure how he was going to going to explain what he had done to Beca so he hid the pizzas and made up his mind that he needed to pull himself together and get some sleep.

As he entered the family room, drink still in hand, he noticed a pillow and throw blanket had been neatly stacked on one end of the couch and realized that Beca must have slept down there the night before. He reasoned that his snoring must have been pretty bad if she'd left her bed to get away from him or that she'd been awakened by his mysterious pizza delivery. Jesse also noticed that neither of the dogs were there, trying to trip him up and lick his hands as their way of greeting him as they had both learned that he didn't like them jumping up on him. He took a seat on the sofa and cracked his stiff neck as he tried to work through his foggy mind. He saw a notepad on the coffee table and glanced over at Beca's neat writing.

Thinking it might have been a 'honey do list', he read the first few lines and sobered up pretty quickly. It dawned on him as he read what Beca had written that he was on the verge of fucking things up with her again. Beca had poured out her worries onto the paper about how withdrawn he'd been and she felt he was pulling away again. She confessed to no one in particular that she knew he was hiding things from her and she didn't know if she had the energy to cope with his latest drama. She'd circled one of the the last entries where she'd written that she wanted to install a video camera to the front driveway to catch the 'douchebag drug mule' who'd come to her house during the night. Jesse realized that the late night food delivery had been mistaken for him buying drugs and he dropped his head into his hands as he came to understand just why Beca had so little faith in him.

Jesse read everything else she had to say before he quietly left the room and went back upstairs to collect his phone. He was just about to send Beca a text to see where she was when he heard her car pull into the garage. In the time it took him to drop his phone back on the bed, pull a clean t-shirt from the closet to wear and head back downstairs, Beca was coming through the front door, armed with a bakery bag and a small takeout coffee cup.

"Hi." Jesse said loosely, as he reached the bottom step.

"Hi yourself." Beca said evenly but Jesse noticed the stress around her eyes.

"You all right?"

"Yes. Why?" Beca asked as she slipped her set of keys back into her purse. He noticed that she'd set her feet apart as if to prepare for a battle, should it happen.

"You weren't here when I woke up."

"Well no, Jess. We don't all have that luxury of being able to sleep in all day. I had to go to work this morning and then take the dogs to the vet for their shots." Beca said carefully. "Something you said you would do for me so I wouldn't have to take the afternoon off work." She added quietly after a long pause.

"Sorry." Jesse said, even though he was unable to recollect the conversation. "I've been a bit out of it the past few days."

"Yeah, I noticed." Beca said. She looked toward the kitchen before heading off in that direction. Jesse followed. Placing her purse and coffee cup down on the kitchen counter and switching her paper bag from one hand to another, she shrugged off her jacket and swapped hands again so she could get both arms out of her coat sleeves.

"You see what you do to me Jesse?" Beca said, watching his reaction to her muddledness. "I can't even think to put this little bag down so I can take off my coat properly."

"What did I do?" Jesse asked.

"You've gone off in your own little world again Jesse and I'm not strong enough to handle another one of your episodes."

"What do you mean?"

"Something changed in you a few days ago. You've changed and the Jesse that organized my baby shower and arranged lunch with Luke is gone and the secret agent Jesse came back. The one who sits up until all hours on his computer, checks his phone every two minutes and walks outside for phone calls. The one who gets incandescent knocks on the door at 3 in the morning and-"

"-I ordered pizza." Jesse interrupted.

"Pizza?"

"Yes, I... I was confused, half asleep and ordered pizzas last night."

"Ok. Right. Whatever." Beca said. "But you have to see this from my point of view. The other Jesse is here and he's not welcome any longer."

"No, no, he's not." Jesse explained watching as Beca finally placed the paper bag down on the kitchen counter. "Oh." Jesse said, spying the name on the side. He reached out a hand to open the bag. "You went to-"

"-Don't you even think about taking my cupcakes." Beca growled as she slapped his hand away.

"Ouch!" Jesse said, rubbing his hand. "I was only going to take a look."

"Do you really think taking treats from your heavily pregnant wife is a good idea?"

"I'm gonna go with no."

"Good answer."

"Is the coffee for me?" Jesse asked hopefully.

"Dude, are you seriously kidding right now? Do you even know what day it is today?"

"Um, Thursday… I think." Jesse replied cagily.

"Yes. Thursday. It's just Thursday, right?"

"Yes." Jesse said proudly.

"Anything else?"

"Um, the day... um, I forgot to... take the um, dogs to the vets?"

"Well, yeah, that too."

"Wait, where are they?"

"Who?"

"The dogs."

"Luke has them."

"Huh? Why?"

"Jesse." Beca sighed. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm about six weeks from my due date. I can't manage two excitable dogs on my own in a car where one wants to sit on my lap while I am driving and the other barks at the window until I roll it down. I needed someone to come with me. Luke's taken them both to the dog park for me and will drop them off later."

"Oh. So you called Luke."

"Yes. We met for lunch today."

"Any particular reason?"

Beca sighed heartily and looked at Jesse for the longest time. "Jesse, I don't know what's going on with you right now but I'm telling you this, I will not put up with your shit any more. You've backed yourself into a dark corner and you need to get yourself out. I'm focused on getting myself to 40 weeks with our little girl and delivering her safely. I don't care about anything else right now. I bought myself a treat today because I needed a little pick me up. I've worked out what I need to do to make it through another day. You need to do the same. You want to act out again, you can pack your bags and go. I love you Jesse but I don't love your lifestyle. I need you to be a man, a husband, a father and my support system and not this deadbeat who shuts down every other week. Sort out what's bothering you, talk to me about it or talk to the moon for all I care but don't bring your baggage into this house. Now, I'm going upstairs for a bath and then I am going to my Mom's for dinner. Come if you want, or don't, but snap out of it."

Beca snatched up her bakery bag, her now lukewarm decaffeinated coffee and left the kitchen with a slightly lopsided walk that Jesse hadn't noticed before. He made a face at her exiting frame as she headed for the stairs. He rolled his eyes as he heard her heading up the steps. Half of him was mad at her for standing up to him, even if it was just a little and the other half was wanting her comfort because he felt bad. He knew he was being selfish and making it all about him.

He was about to walk out of the kitchen and find a movie to watch to take his mind off of everything when his eyes fell upon the calendar that was pinned to the corkboard on the wall in the kitchen. He closed his eyes in anguish as he read the small, neatly printed handwriting in the days box, complete with a colorful butterfly sticker.

Today was Beca's birthday and he'd missed it.

o~O~o

"Dinner was really nice. Thank you." Jesse said, shaking Will's hand as they stood in the driveway of Beca's parents home. "And apologies again for us being a little late. Completely my fault."

"You are very welcome. And don't worry about the tardiness." Will smiled politely as he held out his arm to accept a hug from his daughter.

Jesse stepped back to let Beca embrace her dad and he moved forward to kiss Anne's cheek. He noticed that she stiffened when he moved closer but warmly thanked her for a lovely evening.

"Just take care of my little girl." Anne whispered into his ear as their cheeks met. Jesse began to smile until Anne's tone changed and he felt the hot breath in his ear. "If you don't, I'll have your balls in a jar… On. My. Mantle."

Jesse cleared his throat as they parted; Beca was having a hard time keeping a straight face, having heard exactly what her mother had just said. Jesse unlocked the car as Anne pulled Beca in for a tight squeeze.

"Happy Birthday darling." She said and planted a sweet kiss on the top of her daughter's head.

"Thanks Mom. I'll call you in a couple of days."

Will wrapped his arm around Anne as they both waved at the retreating car lights. Beca waved back at her parents before settling down in her seat. She pulled her phone from her purse and began catching up on messages as Jesse drove past the guard shack.

"That was a nice evening." Jesse said, trying to break the silence in the car after ten minutes of neither of them talking. They were still quite a ways from home and Beca being so quiet was making him nervous.

"Hmm." Beca said, continuing to stare out of the window.

"Your parents look well."

"Uh huh."

"Mom's chicken parmesan was good."

"Yup."

"Are you going to speak to me at all?"

"Why? What's the point?" Beca asked softly. "Nothing I say seems to matter." She ran a hand over her belly, trying to calm the baby inside her who was desperately trying to find a comfortable spot.

"I'm sorry." Jesse said and fixed his eyes on the road ahead. "Beca, I'm sorry."

If he could have glanced right in that moment, he would have seen a look of surprise filter across Beca's face.

"Um..." She began.

"Look… I've fucked up again. Big time. I can see that now and I'm sorry." Jesse repeated. He sighed heavily as he turned the windshield wipers on to clear the light rainfall that had started.

"Ok." Beca said quietly. "Are you finally ready to talk?"

"I guess so. I'd like to begin by saying that you were right with what you said in the kitchen earlier."

"I usually am." Beca said, a tinge of humor to her words.

"I have got a lot on my mind. And it has taken me awhile to be able to talk about it. I was trying to work it out on my own, work through the process and-"

"-Cut the bullshit Jess."

"Huh?"

"The rehearsed speech. I'm your wife, not your sponsor." Beca barked, not feeling the slightest bit guilty for the tone in her voice.

"Oh, yeah, right." Jesse said, keeping his eyes on the road. He tapped the steering wheel a couple of times which Beca recognized as one of his method of keeping control, a trick learned at his AA meetings. She didn't say anything about it, knowing he needed something to ground him.

"Jesse, all I have ever asked from you is honesty. Why do you continue-"

"-I'm sorry." Jesse interrupted. "I'm also sorry for interrupting you. My head wasn't in the right place a couple of days ago. I lost control and didn't speak to you then and I need to tell you why."

"I'm listening."

"Do you remember a few nights ago we were watching a movie, and we were having that debate-"

"-Yes. It was a nice evening and then you changed."

"Yes, I did. Do you remember there was a news report about a car explosion over in Compton?" Jesse asked.

"Uh huh. It was pretty horrific. The poor people inside were unidentifiable, apparently."

"Not that unidentifiable."

"Huh? I didn't think there was any hope for them to find out who they were. They mentioned dental records in a report a couple of nights ago." Beca said, cringing as the memory came back to her.

"One of them was my Dad." Jesse said simply.

"What?" Beca said, snapping her head around to look at Jesse. He nodded slowly to confirm what he was saying was true. "Pull the car over."

"What? I can't! I can't just pull ov-"

"-Do it Jesse!" Beca exclaimed. Jesse almost jumped at the strength of her tone but flipped the right blinker on and moved the car to the side of the road, ignoring the angry beep from the vehicle behind them.

Jesse flipped the emergency flashers on, partially to warn other drivers that there was a car on the side of the road, but mostly because his very pregnant wife was on a mission and no one should approach them.

"David died in the explosion?" Beca asked as soon as Jesse had stopped the car.

"Yes. I recognized the complex on the screen and while it could have been anyone from that area, somehow I just knew. The call from the Police just confirmed it."

"So is this what all the secretive phone calls have been about?"

"Um, mostly yeah."

"When did you meet up with him?" Beca asked.

"Oh ... um, I haven't." Jesse fumbled, suddenly remembering that he hadn't told Beca he'd met up with David or Pepper, or that the baby that Pepper had been carrying was actually his.

"Then how did you know where he lived?"

"I went to see where he lived one day."

"Why?"

"I ... um, well ... you know?"

"No Jesse, I don't." Beca said. "That's why I asked."

"Ummm ..."

"It's a known drug area Jesse." Beca sharply pointed out, folding her hands back into a lap. A move which Jesse recognized all too well with her.

"I know."

"Are you using again?"

"What?! NO!" Jesse exclaimed, his voice rising several octaves. "This was months ago."

"Ok." Beca said, sounding very unconvinced.

"I swear to you." Jesse said but Beca only nodded in response. "They said it was a drug deal gone bad. Retaliation or something. But, the man in the car was my Dad. I mean, I didn't know him all that well but still ..."

"There was a woman with him." Beca said. "Was that someone you knew as well?"

Jesse sighed heavily. While he was confessing, he may as well tell Beca as much of the story as he dare. "Yes, and ... and this is why I have struggled to tell you before now. My Dad was married. He'd been married for a couple of years and seemed to be turning his life around. I knew about the marriage when I became friends with his wife."

"Friends, huh?" Beca said suspiciously but Jesse knew he'd earned that suspicion.

"Yes… friends, just friends. You knew her too."

"I did?" Beca said, side glancing Jesse as the story got even more involved.

"Yes, you remember Chloe from my band?"

"What?!" Beca spluttered, coughing a little at the news. "David was married to Pepper? As in Pepper from The Riff? No way! That can't be true! They said the woman in the car was pregnant? Oh Jesse..."

Jesse gulped a little. He didn't know that had been made common knowledge. The phone call he had received from the police on the day of the accident had told him all he had needed to know. He knew that his dad and Pepper had listed him as a next of kin, should anything have happened to them both, the baby would have been offered to him to raise. No one had expected them all to go together. The police had called back a couple of days later to confirm the rest of the story.

"... Jesse, I'm so sorry. No wonder you have been so upset and quiet. This must have been so horrible. I'm so sorry you couldn't come to me about it sooner."

"Oh, um..." He stuttered.

"That poor girl." Beca said, beginning to cry. "That poor baby. Your brother or sister."

Beca unclipped her seatbelt and leaned over to give Jesse a hug. He folded into her arms, letting her comfort him and desperately trying not to feel so relieved. In that moment, he knew that Beca would never know about his affair with Pepper, that the baby in her belly was actually his or that the reason why they were both dead was all his fault. The drug deal that had gone bad was actually his fault. He'd bought drugs in Compton and given the dealer his Dad's name and address so that nothing would get back to Beca. He always intended to pay the debt but then he had gotten sick and ended up in hospital and he had conveniently forgotten all about it. It was something he could never tell Beca. He could never really tell her the truth; that the reason why his father, and his band mate slash part time lover, Pepper and the innocent child were killed was all because of him.