Discouraged
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The front door clicked open and inside walked in Takuma after having twisted and pulled the keys out , the jingle of it reverberating in the empty atmosphere .
With a sigh , he shuffled towards the living room , tossed the keys on the couch , and finally , took his shoes off , more like kicked .
The picture he painted negated the neat vampire he'd always been but well .. who cared ? Certainly not him .
Sinking deeper in that thought , he stood still for a while , spacing out and recalling why he'd gone out in the first place.
Oh right .. to meet Zero .. there was also the fact he thought it would work like magic for his mood and inspiration .
Scary , right ? How much he'd become obsessed with writing , to the point that he ended up encouraging himself to go out just in case he witnessed , heard , or felt something that could help him gain inspiration .
He chose that moment to flop down on the couch and let out a deep breath before lying down , resuming his thoughts .
Speaking of scary , he had no words to describe how much he hated himself for letting that recurring spike of jealousy spoil his mood at least once a day. The fact that Zero had noticed his dark mood did nothing to make him feel better .
It wasn't the hunter's fault for catching the change in Takuma's expression though .
It's mine , always have been and would seemingly stay that way for the end of time . I just had to read that update while waiting for him . It was astonishing how much his confidence flew out of the window and disappeared into thin air by the end of the chapter , just because of the author note . The writer of that story had expressed gratitude to some random user for giving them a certain idea , which made his heart skip a beat . And here he thought he was the one with privilege to know more about the story beforehands . It made no sense . He wasn't even that close with the author . But they weren't total strangers , they did interact outside the boundaries of the website where they publish their stories . Not that close , but not strangers either , the awkward middle . And yet he still managed to feel jealous and bitter .
Surprised ?
Well , don't be .
Takuma , like anyone out there , had his insecure moments too . In fact , they were fast taking over his life , becoming much more intense and widely spread with each passing day . It didn't matter what the issue was , chances are he would end up feeling that dark seed of envy slowly whispering a melody of shame , snatching his happiness away and turning it into something sinister , saddening , mind-numbing .
Jealousy had nothing to do with love in his case , simply because he wasn't in love with anyone . Instead , it had to do with every single aspect in his life , to the point he felt the urge to purify himself . He felt so bad , so dirty.
He would get jealous over his friendships , hell , he would feel that way too if he happened to find some random fellow writer being friendly with , expressing gratitude to , or praising someone else . He wanted to be special , to everyone he knew . He'd often been proven wrong , however .
He would mostly scold himself for thinking like that .. How could he ask for something he couldn't give ?
So far , many people had appeared in his life , some of them cared for him more than he did for them , he could feel it in the way they talked to or texted him.. On the other hand , there was those people that he'd gotten attached to without having the sentiment returned , or at least not the in same intensity . A third group existed too , the rarity , mutual connection , bond .
He shouldn't blame anyone .. The heart wants what it wants .
We don't choose who we get attached to , do we .. It's beyond our control , much the same as envy , the root of all evil , his want for appreciation , his jealousy over the love other people receive in the form of feedback .. He'd lost count of the times he felt discouraged reading stories of other people .
Sometimes , he would think ' it shouldn't dishearten me , on the contrary . It should give me the drive to improve ..
I should keep the positivity going .'
But words are just words .
Try as he may , he couldn't do that . He could never look at the bright side when his brain seemed to have been hardwired into being pessimistic since day one .
He'd often told himself that good things come to those wait , but as time passed by , he found himself doubting the credibility of such proverb.
Hope for the best , expect the worst ..
That one too he'd learned to disregard .
Life taught him a different lesson .
If you want peace of mind , expect nothing , not just the worst .
Never be a fool and believe that someone would care about you all the time . Anything can happen . People change … they'll come and go , and surprise you .. The term change of heart had been invented for a reason , after all . Feelings dwindle , falter , and eventually die , like everything else , including passion .
He would know .
Why , you may ask .
And the answer would be the amount of times he'd contemplated quitting .
Ironically , everytime he left an author note to his readers about it , he would feel bad , not for their sake but because he knew he couldn't live without writing . He'd almost given up so many times , only to recall how much it was not like him to do so . He was never the type to leave behind something unfinished . Besides ,he'd always been fond of the saying ' Work hard till you no longer have to introduce yourself . '
It would only be a matter of time before he was back to writing , forgetting all about his indefinite hiatus .
But the fact remained it had become so taxing for him , as of late . He'd felt overwhelmed more often than not . And thus , he'd come to the conclusion that if he wanted to stop feeling jealous then he had to do something about it , like trying to train himself not to feel that way or eliminating the reason behind it .
Maybe he should just accept his failure , embrace his depression , and stop forcing something that wasn't meant to be .
If he stopped being a writer , he'd have no reason to feel jealous , right ? He'd just be a reader . He wouldn't have to compare anything to his own works since he would have no such thing .
It was easier said than done and he already knew he wouldn't be able to stand it for long .. He'd be back to writing and publishing before he knew it . which made him wonder if he was , on some subconscious level , a masochist , breaking up with his passion and then going back to it . He didn't exactly find pleasure in harming himself though , it was just mental and emotional .
It was like falling in love with someone heartless but at the same time , irresistible . You know it's going to hurt like a bitch but you still do it , like those times he would allow his curiosity to lead the way .. He'd would end up checking out the heartwarming support other people get and then he'd think ' I want that too ' . Show me some love , please .
It made him wonder if he was cursed .
The whole dilemma put a strain on his entire existence . He was torn between two fires and often asked himself why .
Why did it affect him that much ?
Because his life revolved around writing .. He had no friends , not exactly , no job either , nothing to distract or give him a sense of fulfillment - other than writing -.
It was all he had .. And oh was it cruel to know it's the things you love the most that kill you .
Pathetic ..
Maybe.. But never malicious .
He'd never wanted those gifts to abandon the people he felt jealous of . No. He merely wished to have a luck as powerful as theirs .
Eventually , he'd learned to find consolation in the fact that God divides happiness on us evenly . It was Takuma's way of being positive and trying to look at the bright side , trying to read further , beyond the surface.
Maybe those people he envied had nothing good in their life except for that . He , despite his own problems , may be leading a better life , in general . Maybe that was God's way of compensating them .
Still , he didn't think he was asking for much .
" God ! " He exclaimed in frustration before darting his eyes around , quickly searching his mind for something to do , knowing fully well he may end up going insane otherwise .
Was he experiencing an existential crisis ?
Well , anyhow , he could try watching the TV but he already knew he wouldn't find anything interesting enough to keep him engaged . He could try reading , there were lots of fics to check out . But he wasn't in the mood to , for one , he was lazy , two , fear of getting discouraged , three , feeling overwhelmed with the amount of updates he needed to check out . He liked to believe it had to with psychology . When the mind starts classifying something as an obligation , it makes you feel reluctant to approach it . finally , he could try to write . problem was he didn't have any sort of inspiration for that . To make it worse , it felt like he'd long lost his touch ..
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" What's wrong ? You seem down . Well , knowing you , it's nothing unusual .. But you know how much of a considerate twin I am , hence why I ask . "
Ichiru had been drawing in peace when he sensed a certain presence nearby before the doorbell rang . He hadn't expected to have Zero visit him but he wasn't that surprised either . While it was true that both of them lived separately because of the different preferences they had (one preferred a noisy district - unlike the other- ) , Zero still kept a habit of visiting him every now and then . They didn't share the most normal relationship out there but at least they weren't trying to kill each other any more . Instead , most of the time they spent provoking each other and talking in riddles . Zero had neither forgotten nor forgiven what ichiru had done . He'd wronged him and their parents .. Treason was the only word he could think of when Ichiru crossed his mind . And yet he couldn't , for the life of him , summon any true hatred towards his twin . He'd hated Ichiru's deeds .. In the past he used to think he hated him , wanted to , but he couldn't . Which was why he ended up seeking him , wanting to ensure his well-being and hiding that desire beneath an act of detachment .
After giving his brother a dirty look , Zero felt his eyebrows shoot up and found himself taking a deep breath before shaking his head and retorting " Stop being a bastard for once . And for your information , this time in particular , it's not about me . I met Takuma about an hour ago and he wasn't in the best of moods . Those things are contagious . "
Ichiru remained on the chair , lifted his eyebrows and nodded , giving his twin a look that spoke volumes of how impressed he was to hear that .
" You are spending a lot of time with him recently , you know . I'm not complaining but I'm also sure you don't want a repeat of what had happened between you an- " He pointed out in a flat tone , swirling the pen around his fingers like a pro , his gaze fixated on the said until Zero gave a look that made him go silent .
It wasn't a glare , just a meaningful look that somehow managed to stop Ichiru from completing his sentence .
Well , it probably wasn't a good idea to bring that up .
Subdued , Ichiru resorted to drumming his fingers against the table , reprimanding himself for caring . So What if that idiot of a brother ended up getting deeply involved with yet another noble ? It was none of his business . Besides , Zero needn't such an advice , especially not from him .
It felt like forever until the elder spoke up and broke the silence .
" Why do you even bother making those ? Too much work , if you ask me . " He said while gazing at the screentone on the table , along with the scattered sketches .
A woeful chuckle left Ichiru's mouth at that .
" Well , Zero , there's only one thing I could thank my miserable childhood for .. You know what ? It's patience . I have learned to occupy myself with activities I don't have to get out of bed to perform . "
The mention of their childhood had not been an accident .. He wanted to remind Zero , to cause him pain . And he got what he wanted , minus a verbal response .
When it was obvious that Zero would not be saying a single word any time any soon , Ichiru found himself asking " Why do you write ? Are you passionate about writing or is it just an escape ? "
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