o~O~o
Chapter 39
Distance and Delivery
o~O~o

"Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
Never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,
Pay no heed what they say.
Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
Never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew all about you,
They'd end up loving you, too.
All those same people who scold you,
What they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your hair down to your toes,
You're not much, goodness knows.
But, you're so precious to me,
Sweet as can be, baby of mine."

o~O~o
Beca's Journal Entry
May 6, 2015
DUE DATE!
o~O~o

Every day since I found out that I was pregnant, I've been concerned. Concerned for my health and for the health of my unborn baby. I've done absolutely everything within my power to make sure that my baby is safe. I refused to travel more than a couple of hours outside of the Los Angeles area and never on a plane. I told Sawyer that I wasn't going to risk another baby, which I don't think surprised him. I didn't do anything to jeopardize the pregnancy.

Every night since I found out that I was pregnant, I've worried. I've worried that the baby would come too early. I worried that the baby would be too small and most of all, I worried that the baby wouldn't make it. I worried that this baby would leave me much too soon… like Bodhi did. My precious, tiny baby boy fought hard but it was just too early and wasn't meant to be. I know that now and while I'll never get over it, I've learned to accept it and tuck it away in a corner of my heart.

Since I found out that I was having a daughter, I've worried if I'll be a good mother or not. A mother that a daughter can be proud of. I've wondered if my relationship with my daughter would be anything like the one I have with my mom. While my mom pushes all of my buttons and gets on my nerves ninety five percent of the time, I love her beyond words and comprehension. She's my best friend, my biggest supporter and my confidant and I've worried if I can be all of those things for my daughter. I've worried if I will be enough.

My mom made it look easy. Everything sort of just... well, it all just happened. I was fed on time. I was dropped off and picked up from school on time every day. Without fail. I know that there were many times that she went without a lunch break at work so she could be home with Luke and I after school. She listened to my enthusiastic pre teen exurburence and put up with my teenage angsty stage. And that's just a couple of things. What if I never get organised? What if I can't get into a routine? What if I fail? I know my mom had my dad to help and I guess that leads me to something else.

My other concern and worry… my husband.

I've given Jesse everything I have to give and so much more and I get very little in return. I don't ask for much… at least I don't think I do. I've loved and stood by him through all of the storms he's gone through over the last several years. I've forgiven him for everything he's done and everything he's put us through. Over the last couple of years, I've found out the hard way that there is no greater pain in this world than watching someone you love with your entire being, love their drinks and their drugs more than they have ever loved you.

I crave so much more than just a physical connection with Jesse, that's something we've never really had a problem with. What I crave is his time, his smile, his happiness, his honesty, who he is, who he was and who he has yet to be. I want to know that I'm a priority in his life… not an option.

All I've ever wanted was for him to love me the way I love him but I realize now that Jesse can't love me the way I need him to, because he doesn't love himself. If he can't love himself how can he possibly love anyone else.

Deep down, I know it's not his fault. He didn't exactly have the stable, cookie cutter home life that showed him genuine affection and care. His grandmother, bless her, did all she could but with a new grandson being popped out every year or so, she simply couldn't cope.

Lately Jesse seems so checked out, unconcerned and ungrateful. He takes every opportunity to leave the house. If it doesn't revolve around him or his music, he wants absolutely no part of it. It makes me wonder if he even wants to be a husband and father.

Maybe I'm being overly dramatic but my heart breaks for my daughter… will she ever truly know her father's love? Will she ever know what it's like to cuddle in his lap while he reads her a bedtime story? Will she ever know the comfort of his arms when she's sick or after a bad dream? Will she ever be the twinkle in his eye? The skip in his heart? Will she ever know about father daughter dates and dances? Or will she be the sad little girl that misses out on all of those things because her daddy was too busy to give her the time of day?

Will she have even a nth of what I have in my dad?

o~O~o
Mother's Day
May 10, 2015
Beca's POV
o~O~o

"Labor is the only blind date where you
know you'll meet the love of your life."

It sounds so cliche to say that I woke up shortly after Midnight with the first signs of labor but... I actually did and seriously, what were the chances that I'd go into labor on Mother's Day anyway? If I had to guess when I'd go into labor, Mother's Day would not have been the day I would have picked. For some crazy reason I was certain Cinco de Mayo would have been the day, especially since the baby was so active that day. But that day had come and gone and even though I ate super spicy Mexican food that day in an attempt to start labor, this little girl wasn't having any of it. She was perfectly content to stay put for a few more days.

Not only did I make it the entire forty weeks, I made it four days past my estimated due date. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that would happen or that I'd get to meet my daughter on my very first Mother's Day but here I am and I couldn't be more excited.

I was home alone and in hindsight, I probably should have taken Luke and Amy up on their offer to keep me company. Both were worried that I'd go into labor alone. Honestly, what were the chances that they'd be right especially since I was beginning to think that I'd be pregnant forever. This little girl is cozy and warm in there. She's got it made in there... why should she come out?

I spent the evening at home with Chinese take out and a movie. It was a quiet evening, just me and my fur babies, but it was a perfect night. The only thing that would have made the evening better was if Jesse had been home.

When I realized I was in labor and that it was the real thing, I tried calling and texting Jesse but I couldn't get in touch with him… lately, that's no big surprise. What Jesse doesn't realize, or maybe it's that he doesn't care, but I worry about him when he doesn't answer his phone especially since he's developed that horrible, nagging cough that just doesn't seem to get better or go away. I know that it's probably from the long hours and all nighters in the studio, of course, smoking like a chimney doesn't help… at all. He's been burning his candle from both ends for far too long. Maybe, just maybe, once the baby and I get home, I can convince him to take some time off. A little family time might really do him some good.

It might do us some good too.

Before he left for the evening, Jesse told me that he wouldn't be home until around three. Apparently, a friend of Cynthia Rose's was throwing a private party at The Hard Rock and requested that the band play. All of the Hollywood elite, along with a lot of big names in music were supposed to be there. Cynthia Rose was always trying to get Jesse and The Riff out there and thought that it would be in the best interest of the band to play at the party. Not to mention, there was a handsome payment for playing and for some reason Jesse said that he really needed the extra cash but for the life of me, I don't know why.

As much as I wanted to show my support by going to hear the band play as I was curious how they sounded with the addition of Stacey, but considering my current situation, it definitely wasn't in my best interest. The last thing I needed was to go into labor at a bar. But I have to admit, I missed seeing Jesse in his element. I missed the music. I missed the roar of the crowd and the excitement that came before, during and after his performances. I resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to wait until he got home to hear all about it and hope that Cynthia Rose had at least taken a few videos for me for me to watch.

Believing Jesse would be home soon, I sent him another text to let him know that I was in labor. It was hard not to get excited. My baby girl had finally decided that today was the day, at least I hoped that was the case. If she was anything like her Aunt Amy, she could just be playing her first of many jokes.

I paced the house because I read that walking during labor was beneficial. I walked up and down the stairs so many times that I lost count. I would stop, sway and breathe through each contraction. I practiced my breathing as I rubbed the belly that I knew would soon be gone.

I had read all the books, as in every single one written, and knew that going to the hospital too early could end one of two ways. I would be sent home because I wasn't any where near close to delivery or they would try to medicate me to speed things along. I didn't want either, so between contractions, I decided to make sure that I had everything we'd need for the hospital in my suitcase.

For an hour, I stood next to my bed, unfolding and refolding everything in my bag. And because I was so anal retentive about everything, I also checked and rechecked the packing app on my phone against the things that I had in my suitcase.

*Pajamas… check
*Slippers… check
*Toothpaste… check
*Mouthwash… check
*Deodorant… check

Once I was satisfied that everything I needed was there, I carefully re-packed the suitcase with calculated precision before doing the same with the baby's bag. I had the sweetest little sleepers, with matching headbands packed for the hospital. I hoped that Jesse and I would have settled on a name by now because I wanted to get a monogrammed outfit for the baby to come home in but no such luck. As I went through her things, I opened the baby lotion and squirted some in my hand before taking a big whiff. The lotion smelled so sweet.

With my bag and the baby's bag packed and placed by the door, I began my next task… cleaning my already spotless house. Silvana would have had my head on a platter if she knew what I was doing. I scrubbed and mopped any and every thing that stood still. I went so far as to pull everything out of the fridge and freezer and wipe it all down with bleach before carefully putting everything back in its place. Afterwards, I realized that inhaling the bleach fumes probably wasn't the best idea so I took a slow walk around the back yard to clear my head. The dogs watched with interest from the morning porch.

Between contractions, I checked emails, both personal and work. I was thrilled to see the application for the Woodland Hills Private Preschool. The wait list for Woodland Hills is unbelievable and you basically have to register your child the minute they're out of the womb to ensure that you get a spot. Crazy, I know, but she has to get into the best preschool, second best just isn't good enough… not for my girl. I'd register her now if I knew what her name was going to be. This is the stuff I think about when I'm home alone and Jesse is out… doing whatever he's doing.

I could hardly sit still by the time I got to my work emails. I knew that responding to emails in the wee hours of the morning would get me into hot water with Sawyer but I needed to do something to keep myself occupied. I needed to have control over something and this was something I could do without fear of being stressed out. I scheduled a studio session for my newest client and sent Kimmy a reminder to FaceTime me before the session started.

I eventually tried to lay down in hopes of getting some rest, but that's when the baby seemed to get more active. She didn't want me laying still, she wanted me up and moving around. I was beginning to realize why some couples decide to have sex once labor starts. Sex was the absolute last thing on my mind. In fact, Jesse and I hadn't had sex in months and that wasn't a horse I was ready to get back on anytime soon. I've always been comfortable with my body but the thought of sex was kinda disgusting.

Hours went by and Jesse still wasn't home nor had he read or responded to my text messages. I tried calling but my calls were going straight to voicemail. It was more than a little unnerving that he wasn't responding. I had Cynthia Rose's cell number and could have called her but it wasn't her place to track down my husband.

The contractions were getting stronger and closer together but not quite close enough to head to the hospital. I remembered reading that women could labor and even deliver babies in water so I decided that a nice warm bath sounded perfect. It would help to calm my rapidly fraying nerves and maybe keep me from wondering why my husband still wasn't home at nearly six in the morning.

I enjoyed a nice long lavender bath, keeping track of my contractions on my phone. In between contractions, I read a trashy novel on my kindle before deciding that I should shave my legs, after all, I wanted to look and feel my best when I finally became a mother. I continued to lay in the tub while the water drained then got out and scrubbed the tub to within an inch of life before taking a shower and washing my hair.

I took my time drying and curling my hair. I picked out the cutest maternity dress in my closet and slipped it on, knowing it was the last time I'd wear it for a while. I refused to be the new mommy that arrived and left the hospital in mismatched pajamas and fuzzy slippers or even worse, her husband's ratty old sweats. Just because I was becoming a Mommy didn't mean I needed to look the part. When I was finally finished 'painting and spackling' my face as Jesse called it, I looked like I was ready for Sunday brunch with my mom, not like someone who was going to give birth in the very near future.

At ten, I called my midwife and gave her the rundown. I was still tolerating the pain well and she told me that as long as I was comfortable and my water hadn't broken I could stay at home, which was good news, especially since I still hadn't heard from Jesse.

Once again, I tried calling Jesse, and once again, my call went directly to voicemail.

"Hey babe, it's me… ah-gain. Just wanted to let you know that I've been in labor since around Midnight. My contractions are pretty consistent but my water hasn't broken so I can stay home for a while longer to wait for you. I'm getting really worried that I haven't heard from you. Call me. I love you."

I didn't know if my calls going to voicemail was deliberate or if his phone was dead. Either way, it left me wondering, "He should have been home hours ago." and "Where the hell could he be?"

I labored at home until just after lunch before deciding that it was time to go to the hospital. Twelve hours of laboring solo was enough. With contractions happening every four to five minutes, I knew that I couldn't drive myself. My parents were at the Mother's Day church service. They offered to come over and wait with me when I called them but I insisted that they go to church. Dad promised that they would come over right after church let out. Jesse was still MIA, so I called Luke. Yes, I could've called an Uber or a cab but I didn't want to be judged for being pregnant and going to the hospital alone. I know it's silly and that women all over the world have babies alone every day but I didn't want to be one of them. Truth be told, I'd imagined this day every day for the last nine months and every time, Jesse was with me.

Luke was more than willing to take me to the hospital. In fact, he was at my house within twenty minutes of me calling. Of course, his first question was "where's the douchebag this time?" He knew that I didn't have the answer to his question but needed to get his dig in anyway because he said he was always there in a pinch. When Luke got to the house, he put the dogs out one last time then called Amy to ask her to check on them again in a couple of hours. As Luke put the bags in the trunk, he threatened that if my water broke in his car, that I'd have to buy him a new one. After all of the times he's bailed me out, I should probably just buy him a new one on principle. I'll keep it in mind for his next birthday.

As we drove to the hospital, Luke would reach over and hold my hand when the contractions got bad. It was like instinct kicked in for him. He talked me through each one, reminding me to breathe and to take deep cleansing breaths when I could. He was a great coach… one would swear that he was the baby's Daddy.

When we arrived at the hospital, the nurse did just that. "I'll push your wife in the wheelchair, you get those bags and come this way Daddy." She told him. Neither of us corrected her. Part of me wished that the nurse was right. Lord knows things would be so much easier.

Luke paced the floor like an expectant father as I got settled into my labor and delivery suite. When the on-call doctor came in to check my progress, Luke stepped into the hall to give me some privacy. We had shared a lot over the years, but neither of us was prepared to be that close. Even best friends have to draw the line somewhere.

When the doctor left reality hit me like a shit ton of bricks. I was more than halfway to the finish line, hell I was damn near there already and I had done it all alone. Again. I thought about calling Jesse one last time but ultimately decided that it would be a complete waste of time. Jesse wasn't coming and I mentally began preparing myself to have this baby alone. At the rate the day was going, I wasn't sure when or if this baby girl would actually get to meet her Daddy.

Luke returned a short time later armed with a pitcher of ice chips and two popsicles. As I ate the popsicles, I filled him in on my progress. I was seven centimeters dilated and one hundred percent effaced, I realized that he was more interested than Jesse had ever been. He wanted to know if Dr. Kaiser was on the way, which she was, how I was feeling and if I needed anything. I told him that the doctor guessed that I'd have the baby before dinner, which was welcomed news since I hadn't eaten much all day.

Luke told me that while he had been in the hall, he tried to get in touch with Jesse to no avail. He had even gone down to the registration desk to ask that they check to see if Jesse was a patient. I desperately tried not to think the worst, like Jesse had fallen off the wagon, yet again, gotten drunk and ended up in a ditch or worse yet had a drug overdose. My stomach clenched and I was hit with this awful wave of nausea.

My parents and MawMaw came to the hospital straight from church. They were deliriously happy that the baby was finally coming. I almost think that they were more excited than I was. My mom fussed over me and waited on me hand and foot while Luke continued to search for Jesse. I could tell that he was getting angrier by the minute but he was trying very hard to maintain his composure so I wouldn't get upset.

I'd never been so happy to have Luke near by.

My dad wasn't very pleased about my husband being MIA either. He had given Jesse the benefit of the doubt when no one else would and this was the thanks he got. I was beginning to think that this was a hole that Jesse wouldn't be able to dig himself out of. My dad didn't give very many chances so it was best not to blow the ones you had. Jesse was blowing through chances like a crackwhore with her next fix.

I went into hard active labor shortly after four and for a short time considered the juice. It hurt so bad but after a short pep talk from my mom, I realized that I had come so far without it and really didn't need it. Things got intense very quickly. My dad, Luke and Mawmaw left the room and headed to the waiting room while my mom stayed with me. She was absolutely amazing.

Jesse showed up as the baby crowned.

Of course, he was ready to take over at that point, telling my mom "I've got this Anne. You can go." I wasn't kicking my mom out at that point, which pissed Jesse off. He felt that it should have been just me and him in the room when the baby was born. He forfeited that right by ignoring my calls and texts all damn night and day. I can only assume he was sleeping off his hangover or in the studio recording. The other option was one that I couldn't think about or verbalize.

After seventeen very long hours of labor and a completely drug free birth, my sweet little angel finally arrived with the help of Dr. Kaiser and my wonderful midwife. It's true what they say… you really do forget all about the pain the second your eyes meet those of your new baby.

The baby is absolute perfection in every way imaginable. At only five pounds seven ounces and seventeen inches long, she's tiny but I wasn't expected to have a large baby anyway. It looked as if my girl was going to be a petite little princess.

Jesse looked like he would have rather been anywhere than in the delivery room. That may have had something to do with my mom and the daggers she was shooting out of her eyes at him. I think he expected me to put her out once he got there. He knew that he was going to need a really good story to wiggle his way out of being with me all day.

When my mom stepped out of the room to go let everyone else know that the baby arrived, Jesse finally held our daughter but he still hadn't really said anything to me. In fact, he had hardly looked at me.

I watched as he marveled about how beautiful the baby was and how she looked like me but he never actually said anything directly to me. Part of me wonders if he's acting this way because of the way I was with him after Bodhi died. I can admit that I had pushed him away, which was wrong but I honestly thought we were past that… I guess I was wrong. I'd give anything to be able to take that back, but I can't, all I can do at this point is to let him have the time he needs with this baby.

When I asked where he had been, he said "studio" but then he fumbled as he tried to elaborate on his response. I was waiting for his answer when we were interrupted by my crazy little MawMaw barreling into the room and demanding to hold her great granddaughter.

While my MawMaw fought Jesse for the baby, my parents were doting over me. My dad was absolute mush as he kissed my forehead and said "My baby has a baby of her own now." Dad wanted to know how I was and if I needed anything, something my husband had yet to ask. I didn't tell my dad that tidbit though. I don't really think I needed to, the tension in the room was so thick that it could have been cut with a knife.

When my dad held the baby he lost it. He cried and said that she was my perfect mini me and that she looked exactly like I did right after I was born. I respectfully disagree. She's definitely a very good combination of both me and Jesse.

When Jesse stepped out "for some air" Luke asked if he could hold the baby. I guess he didn't think he could ask as long as Jesse was in the room. He lit up like a shiny new penny when he held her. Even my mom and MawMaw noticed. He said that looking at the baby was like looking at all of my baby pictures. He couldn't get enough of her. I think he's going to have the most trouble leaving this evening. She had more kisses from Luke than the rest of the family put together. He counted her fingers and asked if he could undo the blanket so he could see her toes. He stroked her face ever so gently when she whimpered and held her so carefully, it brought a tear to my eye. There was no one I trusted more with my precious cargo than Luke. And I included Jesse in that thought.

Our evening was full of visitors. The only time I seemed to be in the room alone was when Little Miss wanted to nurse. Everyone seemed to run out of the room at feeding time which I was grateful for. I love my family and friends but those special moments with my daughter are the ones that I'll cherish forever.

Aunt Gail and Uncle John came by and brought dinner for everyone, which was nice. Nothing fancy, but it was good and everyone seemed to enjoy it. We all sat around talking about how different the holidays would be this year with three babies. Penny and Pru are mobile and into everything now and this little girl will be well on her way to being all over the place by then too.

Aubrey, Ben and the girls, Amy, Lilly, Kimmy and even Sawyer all came by. Penny and Pru loved the baby. I think they thought that she was a doll. When Aubrey held the baby she told Ben, with tears in her eyes, "we're having another baby." Poor Ben looked like he was going to be sick. He wasn't sure if she was serious or not… in fact, neither am I.

Amy, God love her, was actually very sweet with the baby. She couldn't get enough of her. I have a feeling that our strange little family is going to be growing quite a bit in the very near future. Amy did threaten to perform a strange Aussie birthing dance for the baby but thankfully, as she had no name yet, Amy said it would have to wait.

Lilly and Kimmy were even super sweet. They brought all of my favorite treats and some cute little outfits for the baby. I was initially extremely concerned when Lilly held the baby but she was gentle and sweet and didn't pull out any ninja warrior moves or weapons. She was surprisingly quite normal… if there is such a thing when talking about Lilly.

And Sawyer, oh Sawyer… big, bad, tough Sawyer. He wasn't so big or so bad when he was holding my daughter. He bought her a pink sparkly Neumann KMS 104 microphone because he said he knew that music and singing was in her blood and that she was destined to be a star. Those damn things cost well over a thousand dollars a piece and that's not the special order ones. Then he promised her that "Uncle Sawyer is going to spoil you rotten, Princess." I don't think he saw the tears in my eyes or he'd have laughed at me.

What was pretty obvious was that Jesse seemed extremely distracted and preoccupied. He didn't mind helping with the baby, but would shut down if I tried to talk to him. He was constantly texting and really didn't care who was visiting or how long they stayed. He was completely and totally oblivious to anything and everything going on around him.

The one question everyone had was "What's her name?" . I tried to play it off by saying that we just wanted to spend some time getting to know her before we decided but I don't think anyone was buying what I was trying to sell. In truth, we still hadn't agreed on the baby's name and Jesse didn't seem to want to discuss it with others present. Every time I brought it up he just kind of grunted and carried on with his texting.

After everyone left the hospital, including Jesse, who said he was going home to shower, change and let the dogs out, it was just me and the baby and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Jesse was far too eager to leave, I wouldn't have thought that of him, especially after losing Bodhi, but I didn't stop him either. He didn't want to be at the hospital so I wasn't going to force him to stay and I damn sure wasn't going to beg either. I mean, what was the point, making him stay would have accomplished absolutely nothing at all.

I thought I'd have to fight him just to be able to nurse the baby but he had hardly held her at all. He was acting very odd but I couldn't put my finger on any one thing in particular that it could have been.

As I looked into the face of the perfect, tiny angel laying in my arms, I felt content and complete. I wondered if this beautiful little girl would ever know what she really meant to me. After losing Bodhi, I did everything by the book. I couldn't bear to lose another baby and I prayed that she would forgive me for being overprotective.

I tried calling and texting Jesse after he left, thinking that since he was home, he might be less distracted and more willing to discuss the baby's name. My calls and texts went unanswered. Her name had been a huge bone of contention with us both for a while, especially after I named Bodhi without his consent… which I can admit now that I did out of spite because he wasn't with me when I needed him most. He had promised to be there… and he wasn't. I can admit now that I was angry. I was angry at him for being right and for telling me not to go to Vegas, I was angry at God because he took my baby away from me and I was angry with myself for being so damned irresponsible during my pregnancy.

From the minute I knew the baby was a girl, I knew what I wanted to name her had to be as special as she was. I had been looking at the baby name books for weeks when I finally came across the name Lila, one of the meanings was 'dark-haired beauty'. I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that the baby would have beautiful dark hair and felt that the name would suit her well.

Jesse liked the name Lila, mostly because it was different, but he actually preferred Delilah. I, on the other hand, didn't like Delilah and not because I was trying to get my way or be difficult. Delilah means 'seductive' and I just couldn't picture my beautiful baby girl being seductive. We agreed to look for a few other names before making a final decision.

A week later, Jesse came to me with the name Lola. I was indifferent about the name until looked it up and found that it meant 'lady of sorrows'. I could feel every move the baby made; I knew every swipe, jab, kick and hiccup; she was anything but sorrowful. She was excited and exuberant and needed a name that suited her better. So, it was back to the drawing board.

Each name Jesse came to me with was worse than the last. He actually suggested we name the baby Portia, which means pig or hog… I put my foot down. I was not naming my daughter something that meant pig. Her name is something that will follow her for the rest of her life, so selecting the perfect name was on the top of my to do list.

I remember the last conversation about the baby's name like it was yesterday.

"Bec… what about the name Mercedes?" Jesse asked from the bedroom.

I thought for sure that I must have heard him wrong. "What was that?" I asked as I towel dried my hair.

"Mercedes… what do you think?"

I smiled. "Great car! Comfy too!"

Jesse huffed. "No, not the car."

"Then what are you talking about?"

"I meant for the baby's name."

"I think… no."

"Ok… What about Lexus?" He asked as he continued to thumb through the baby name book.

"No."

"So you're not even going to think about it." He asked as he walked in the bathroom.

"Nope."

"What about Camry, Nova, Caprice?"

"You know what I think? I think, no… wait! Let me take that back," I said putting my finger up to quiet him. "I know you're out of your damn mind."

Jesse laughed. "Why?"

"Do you seriously want to name our daughter after a car?"

"They're nice names."

"They're stripper names! What's next? Pinto!"

He laughed a big belly laugh. "Well, of course I wouldn't suggest Pinto… that's just stupid."

I swore he wasn't taking this seriously and he was being a total ass about the entire thing.

"Well little one, looks like it's just you and me tonight. Daddy's not here because he went home to see your furry brother and sister. Jagger and Roxie have been waiting to meet you. They're really big and they look scary but I promise all they want to do is lick your sweet face and cuddle." Beca said to the baby as she stroked her sweet, rosy little cheeks.

"We need to give you a name my sweet girl. Last week, your Daddy suggested the name Sophia. It's not a bad name but I have to be honest, I'm not really crazy about it and it's not because it has a crazy meaning. I just don't think it fits you. What do you think?"

Beca watched as the baby yawned and made a sour face then started to whimper. "Yeah, that's what I thought too. It's a pretty name, it's just not your name. What about Meghan? Meghan is another favorite of your Daddy's. It means Pearl… and you are very unique just like a Pearl. Are you feeling that name at all?"

Once again, the baby squirmed and wiggled. She yawned and whimpered. "Not so much, huh? Wanna hear the name that I just fell in love with for you?"

The baby snuggled into Beca a bit more and blinked her eyes as if to say, "Hit me with the next option Mommy."

"So, here goes. If you don't like it's ok. We can pick something else. We're going to be here for a couple days so we've got nothing but time to figure it out." Beca smiled as the baby yawned again. She was apparently bored with all the idol chit chat. "So, what about... Lila Kathryn? Do you like that name? Anne or Kathryn have to be in your name somewhere because Daddy kinda promised your Lovie that we'd name a baby after her so..."

The baby made a very contented sigh and snuggled in closer to Beca. "Well baby girl, I guess that's it… well, as long as Daddy likes it. I kinda got in trouble for naming your brother without consulting Daddy first. So, if I name you without asking his opinion, I would imagine that he may never speak to me again. If Daddy likes the name Lila Kathryn, then your Lovie will be so happy to find out that you've been given her middle name. Kathryn is also crazy MawMaw's middle name. They can't wait to spoil you rotten." Beca told the baby as she began rooting around and asking to be fed. "You've been named after a couple of very strong, very important women."

"I've loved you from the very start.
You stole my breath, embraced my heart.
Our life together has just begun.
You're the best part me, my precious little one."

Beca had no idea that love could be so instant. Sure she had fallen for Jesse pretty quickly but even that hadn't prepared her for the amount of love she could feel for her own child. She always knew that she loved her daughter from the moment she found out she was pregnant but nothing and no one could have prepared her for just how much her heart was going to swell the instant she met her daughter for the very first time. Beca loved Bodhi and she always would, but loving him would always be different.

She was overcome with emotion and found herself just staring endlessly at the baby in her arms and hoping, praying that she could be half the mother that her mom was to her. Beca and her mother, for all their faults and differences, shared a bond that was unshakable and it worried her that she'd never measure up, that she'd never be for Lila what her mother was for her.

Finally having her baby girl in her arms made her miss Bodhi even more than she ever had before. She wondered what he would have been like and if he would have favored Jesse or herself. Even with as tiny as he was, Beca could tell that he would have been beautiful. Jesse couldn't and wouldn't look for any great length of time. He refused. He had been absolutely devastated when he found out that Bodhi was gone and to be honest, Beca wasn't quite sure that he'd ever forgiven himself for not being there. Beca was convinced that Bodhi's death is what caused Jesse to start drinking again.

Beca allowed herself a few tears in memory of Bodhi. She wasn't shutting the door on him in any way, shape or form and her heart had a tiny place for her son that no one else would ever share. She loved him. She missed him. But holding Lila in her arms, she felt a warmth flow through her. As she settled back against the pillows, she felt strangely at peace with not having Bodhi in her arms. While Lila couldn't replace Bodhi, she was the bandaid on the broken arm and, to Beca, in that moment, that was the most healing her heart had done in sixteen months.