Macavity

Friday evening
After a long day in court, Harm opened the door to his apartment and tossed his coat in the direction of a chair. Weekend – finally! And the right way to begin that, was with a mug of home brewed coffee, not that slop they called coffee at the courthouse. But before he had moved even an inch towards the kitchen he felt all too familiar claws scaling his pants. What?!
"Mac!"
About a week after Major MacKenzie had caught him in the kitten crisis, Harm had told her to use her spare key to his apartment without asking his permission every time. That wasn't practical and besides, in his mind his house was hers anyway.
"Mac! Have you let … "
Three eager kitten faces looked up at him, calico Mac jumped off the couch and in his bed area he heard scrambling in the cage. A second later little Mackenzie had joined her dam and siblings. Only Lady Macbeth on the windowsill ignored him disdainfully, as only cats can do. Now he had five felines looking at him for sustenance. All listening – when they wished of course – to the name Mac.
"Mac?"
No answer.
"How the hell did you get out? Mac wouldn't let you out and leave."
Harm looked around and saw the signs of kittenish mischief everywhere. The little rascals had been out for quite some time. Shaking his head he unlocked the food cabinet. The mewling increased and now Lady Macbeth also deigned to pay attention. He put the full dishes down and went for his own coffee. Cup in hand and cats again swarming his ankles, Harm checked the fridge. There was enough for a simple meal of roast potatoes, broccoli and baked brie. After popping the potatoes into the oven, he quickly cut the broccoli into flowerets and set them to a boil, while gnawing on the stem. He did offer it to MacDonalds, who as usual, had staid in the kitchen to beg for morsels. It was amazing how much disgust could be expressed with a black-furred face and white whiskers. Only when the inveterate scrounger had stalked off, he took out the cheese. The pre-breaded brie took just a few minutes to bake, so before long he was sitting at the table with his meal and half a pint of lager. His beer was safe, now that McMurphy had 'accepted' a job at their favourite pub, but his cheese wasn't. MacDonalds was stalking him again so Harm ate quickly. At the end of the meal he felt his energy drain away, so instead of doing something constructive with his evening, he decided to take a real early night and spend some time reading before going to sleep.
But before he would be able to think of sleep, he needed to round up the cats again. This time it was an easy task, since all of them were either busy washing themselves after their meal or already drowsing. So he scooped them all up and dropped them into the cage. Only adult Mac was allowed to stay up a little later. To be absolutely sure Harm counted and recounted the kittens in the cage and double checked the closing of the hatch, before he selected a book and took to his own bed. The book was entertaining, but not entertaining enough to keep Harm awake for long. After half an hour he gave up the fight with his drooping eyelids, turned off the light and went to sleep.
OUCH! Woken from a sound sleep, Harm reached for his maltreated ear. "Mac! Don't do that!"
"Mrrrrroaw," a sleepy half purr half meow came from the foot of his bed where a familiar weight pinned his feet down.
Huh? Then who was nibbling his ear?
Harm fumbled for the light switch. When he finally managed to flip it, the light illuminated a black and white kitten which had fled halfway down his bed, MacDonalds.
"How did you get out?" Sure enough the hatch was open and all the kittens had absconded from the cage. McKinley had found a perch right on top of it, but the other three were nowhere to be seen. He could hear one, however, from his desk. Or better to say, he heard his briefcase crash to the floor. In a few big strides Harm was in his 'office'. The briefcase had burst open, strewing papers everywhere and of course, no culprit in sight. He looked under the desk. There was Lady Macbeth washing her tail with a look of affront on her face. It was more likely that the load had fallen on her than that she had been instrumental in making it fall. That left MacKenzie, who would never do something like that, or … Macavity …
And when you reach the scene of crime, Macavity's not there …
With a sigh Harm picked up the papers, resorted them and – as it had to have been Macavity – checked if they were all there. No. One of the most important papers was missing and once again Harm was reminded of the original poem:
And when the Foreign Office find a treaty's gone astray,
Or the Admiralty lose some plans and drawings by the way,
There may be a scrap of paper in the hall or on the stair -
But it's useless to investigate - Macavity's not there!
But investigate he would have to; that envelope was due at the Admiral's desk tomorrow. First he went in search of his navy issue torch. Armed with this, Harm checked Macavity's usual hiding places: the high shelves, all five of them, and behind the fridge. Alas, no envelope marked 'confidential'. Then he went belly down on the floor, shining the torch under all the furniture and locating all the dust bunnies he had missed while cleaning, but no envelope.
"D*** you, Macavity! I need that envelope!"
But from the top of his desk, Macavity's eyes just reflected his torch light in green fluorescence and if Harm had expected a pointing paw, he was sorely disappointed.
"Help me out, Macbeth! You must have seen where he hid it."
Lady Macbeth blinked at Mac, sniffed disdainfully and started washing her paws.
"Alright!" Angrily Harm heaved himself up from the floor, grabbed both kittens and dumped them unceremoniously into the cage. Next McKinley went in and then MacDonalds was scooped up off the bed, just before he could jump to safety. Only little Mackenzie was nowhere to be seen … could she after all … Harm looked around again at all the kitten's favourite spots. No small calico. Mother Mac still lay curled up on his bed, pretending sleep but she did keep one eye trained on him. Obviously she did not relish a night in the cage with her offspring. Harm smiled at her ruefully, "The trouble you have caused me, lady …!" That's when he spotted Mackenzie, curled up against her mother, her own calico pelt blending in perfectly with hers. "Okay," another smile, now tender and loving, "you may stay there."
But the smile disappeared quickly when he returned to the living for a very thorough search. Turning on all the lights, Harm began to search the room systematically. First all the bookcases were examined and the shelves stripped of their books; he looked under them and behind them, shining the torch into every crevice … no envelope. Next was his desk. Not under it, not between the papers on top and not in the top drawers. The bottom two drawers were locked and for all his cleverness, Macavity could not have unhooked the keys from his key ring and opened those. That left the kitchen, the bathroom and the other furniture. The bathroom door was closed. For good measure he took a quick look inside, and into the cabinets, but no, of course not.
When he walked to the kitchen, Harm heard some suspicious noises from the cage. In a flash he turned around and shone his torch in that direction. Just under the hatch hung three kittens, all with an expectant look on their furry little faces. Half a foot above them hung Macavity, his green eyes slit in concentration and one paw hooked around the latch. When he realised he had been caught red-pawed, he dropped down to the pillow and started washing the pads and cleaning his nails, eyeing them studiously. The other three took a second longer to realise they had been spotted. Then McKinley scrambled up and across to her favourite high perch, while the other two also dropped down.
You'll be sure to find him resting, or a-licking of his thumbs,
Or engaged in doing complicated long division sums.
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,
There never was a Cat of such deceitfulness and suavity.
He always has an alibi, and one or two to spare:
At whatever time the deed took place - Macavity wasn't there!
"You ain't fooling me, buddy," Harm smiled grimly this time. He went over to his work closet and took out a set of tie-rips. First he secured the door of the cage and then, with an apologetic caress picked up MacKenzie and dropped her into the cage too, before securely tying the hatch shut. "That should keep you in there!"
Searching the kitchen turned up zilch too, so as a last resort Harm turned to the living room furniture, turning each piece over one by one and checking for loose upholstery. There was plenty evidence of kittenish attempts at demolition, but no tears or rents big enough to drag an envelope through. Nothing stuffed under the pillows and Harm was pretty d*** sure that Macavity couldn't have hidden the documents in his bedroom, for he would have seen the Napoleon of Crime when he made his way over to the desk. Shaking his head, he sat down on the edge of his bed and wrecked his brain …
Where could that envelope be … where could tha… whe… fatigue took over. He would have to continue the search in the morning, no use doing it now. Just wait for some better light and maybe some inspiration. Harm sank back into his bed, pulled the comforter over him and slept before he could complete another coherent thought.

Saturday morning
It was well past 0800 when Harm dragged his still tired body out of bed towards the shower. Yes, he had slept, but it had been a fitful night full of dreams of disappearing envelopes, angry admirals and mocking green cat eyes. A look at the cage revealed five pairs of them, all pleading to be let out and more importantly, to be fed. No way! First a shower, then another search for the missing documents and only then would he release the fiends in feline shape.
The shower did revive Harm, but brought no inspiration, alas. So he began to search again, starting with his briefcase, then his desk and from there radiating out into the room. At 9.30 he had to admit defeat. Sitting down on his couch, he went over his options, which were rather limited. He picked up his cell and speed dialled a number.
"MacKenzie residence."
"Mac, please come over and help me."
"Harm?"
"Macavity's been at it again, he took an envelope of documents and I can't for the world find where he's hidden it."
"I'll be right over."
Sure enough, a scant 20 minutes later his front door opened and Mac entered, balancing two beakers of coffee.
"Here," she said, "tell me what happened."
Harm told her what had transpired the evening before, relating exactly where he had searched and how the kittens almost had escaped again. He looked towards the cage and even that slight acknowledgement of their presence set the kittens off, mewling piteously for their breakfast.
"Quiet!" Harm growled. "You see, Mac, that envelope is due at Admiral Chegwidden's desk in less than an hour now."
Mac 'saw' that all too well. "Okay, let's go through this one more time and reconstruct the crime. Where were you when your briefcase hit the floor?"
"Standing next to my bed."
"How long did it take you to get to your desk?"
"Three seconds, maybe."
"And where was Macavity when you saw him again?"
"Sitting on the desk."
"Then I think we need to concentrate on that desk. It has to be somewhere around there. He can't have moved it afterwards, so it still has to be in its first hiding place." Mac walked over to the desk.
"All right," Mac said, "let's first see your briefcase."
Together they opened the briefcase again and sorted through all the papers. The envelope wasn't there. Then Mac cleared the desk of all its papers, sorting through them carefully: no envelope.
"Okay, so it has to be inside the desk somewhere or under it." Mac dove down and inserted herself under the desk. She used Harm's torch to light under the bits she couldn't reach. Next she turned over to look upwards and see if there were any crevices or cracks Macavity could have used.
"Will you take out the drawers for me, please?"
Harm took out the top two drawers.
"And how about the other two?"
"Those are locked, he couldn't have gotten in there."
Harm searched the top drawers again but no envelope. In the meanwhile Mac was still looking under the desk and suddenly she spotted a large crack right at the back between the drawers and the back board of the desk. It was a good 2 inches wide, plenty wide enough for a kitten. And in that crack she thought she saw the white corner of a piece of paper. She tried to reach it, but her fingers couldn't get a good grip on it.
"Harm, take out the bottom drawers. I think I see something."
Harm to took out his keys and opened the drawers, pulling them all the way out. The first just contained his strongbox with important papers and foreign money, the second had an assortment of things he was sure he had never put in there, but again no envelope.
He started to say something, but Mac had slid out from under the desk and was now shining the torch inside the drawer cavity. She reached and triumphantly held up a medium sized envelope stamped 'CONFIDENTIAL'.
Just as Harm started to yodel victory, his cell rang.
"Commander Rabb speaking."

"Yes, sir, on my way sir."

"Just a little domestic crisis, sir. I'll be right over."
"You go," Mac said, "I'll put this to rights, feed the horde and spank Macavity. Not that he realises he has done anything wrong."
"O, he knows," Harm asserted, "and he instructed Lady Macbeth to keep my attention off him."
"And they say that all the Cats whose wicked deeds are widely known,
(I might mention Macbeth or MacDonalds, and not just them alone …)
Are nothing more than agents for the Cat who all the time
Just controls their operations: the Napoleon of Crime," Mac improvised with a grin.
"Off you go, you don't keep an admiral waiting."

15 minutes later Harm tore into the parking lot of the JAG building, silently thanking his guardian angels for all the green lights and the absence of police officers. Dusting off his uniform that still showed the signs of his antics on the floor, he entered the elevator and rode up to the bullpen. There he took a deep breath and knocked on the admiral's door.
Upon acknowledgement, Harm opened the door and faced the two men inside who looked pointedly at the clock. It took an effort not to shuffle as nervously as an ensign caught slacking. Keeping his expression as straight as possible, Harm handed over the envelope to Admiral Chegwidden. "Sorry to be a trifle late, Sir."
Chegwidden hummed, clearly not ready to chew out his subordinate in the presence of another man. Passing the envelope on, he asked "General Eliot and I would like to know what kind of 'domestic crisis' caused this delay. If it has to do with your involvem…"
"Oh no, Sir, it was Macavity," Harm broke in hastily.
Chegwidden looked puzzled for a moment, then he remembered "You mean, a cat delayed you?"
"Yes, Sir." Harm explained the whole story to the Admiral and his guest.
"You are positively sure these papers never left your house," the General asked sternly.
"Absolutely, Sir," Harm affirmed and avowed. "And Major MacKenzie never looked into the envelope. She handed it straight to me when she extracted it from the desk."
The General's mouth twitched." This cat seems to form a security problem … I might just have to come over and formally arrest him for appropriating government information and spying."
Harm murmured an apology. "And Sir," he added, turning to the admiral, "there's more." Almost blushing he deposited a small item on Chegwidden's desk. "I also found this in the drawer."
Admiral Chegwidden looked down at one of his own dress insignia. "But I wasn't inside your apartment for more than 5 minutes," he exclaimed.
Harm shook his head ruefully. "He also nicked a bracelet charm from Lilian Desmoines, a handkerchief from one of Mac's clients and Harriet's driver's license, and one of AJ's transformers."
"That's definitely it!" General Eliot said decisively. "This Macavity is under arrest as of now. He may remain in your custody until Sunday afternoon, when his sentence will be carried out."
"His sentence?" Harm echoed confused.
"Yes, court-martialled and sentenced by me personally, to serve the remainder of his natural life in my mouse-infested hunting lodge in the Blue Ridge Mountains." Abruptly the General stood up, put the confidential envelope in his own briefcase and walked to the door. "I will collect him from you place tomorrow afternoon at 1600 sharp." On those parting words, he opened the door and left.
And while Harm and Chegwidden looked at each other flabbergasted, they heard a well-placed tenor voice singing in the corridors:
Macavity's a Mystery Cat: he's called the Hidden Paw -
For he's the master criminal who can defy the Law.
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair:
For when they reach the scene of crime - Macavity's not there!