The Hero Dies in This One

There are moments in our lives we find ourselves at a crossroads; left afraid and confused without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define who we become. Of course, when we come face to face with the unknown, our first instinct is to turn around and go back. Fight or flight. But sometimes we have to overcome our fear and push on unit we find something better. It's only when we are being tested that we truly discover who we are. And it's only when we are tested that you can discover who you can be. We just have to look beyond the heartache and fear of what life throws at us. (One Tree Hill)

Margaret James wrung her hands anxiously as she paced back and forth across the drawing room. Her petite body was rigid with tension, her face a picture of anguish. She winced as a series of loud crashes, followed by a volley of colourful cursing could be heard in the kitchen. She just hoped it wasn't her best china.

"Margaret will you sit down, you're wearing a hole in the rug!" Margaret jumped as an exasperated Richard, who had been watching her pace restlessly for nearly 30 minutes, finally lost patience. She shot him a scathing look as his head disappeared back behind the newspaper he had been reading. A moment later her eyes flew to the ceiling where loud footsteps could be heard ascending the stairs followed by the slam of a door.

"How the bloody hell can you be so calm about all this? Our son is quite possibly fragged and needs our support, especially after today, and you're just sitting there reading the newspaper." Richard sighed and lowered his paper meeting the fuming eyes of his wife. Without a word he stood and began to slowly approach her, as a naturist would a startled animal. Taking Margaret by the shoulders he guided her to the sofa and sat beside her.

"Charles is not fragged. He's hurt, angry and grieving. He needs to deal with what happened today on his own terms. If he's choosing to vent his emotions in a rather loud manner so be it. Besides, you hated most of that china anyway." Richard replied joked softly, trying to break the tension.

It was amazing how quickly everything went to shit. After Charles had opened up about his feelings for the Army and Molly, Margaret had hoped that it would be a turning point. She knew that Charles was at a crossroads about his future. For the first time in his life, Charles was driving without a roadmap into the unknown. Ever since he had left university he practically had his entire life mapped out. He had a clear idea in his mind of what he wanted to achieve, and a full proof plan of action (including a backup) to ensure his goals remained within reach. For nearly a decade he had embraced the Army lifestyle, preferring to spend his time living out of a burgen, rather than live a more settled life. His choices had not been without their sacrifices. His marriage had crumbled and he had missed out on some of the important moments as Sam grew up. Now Charles was faced with the daunting task of starting his life over, possibly away from the Army entirely. It was a concept he was still getting used to.

Some days had been better than others. There were times when Charles became so frustrated and despondent about his lack of progress with his rehab that he threated to give it up altogether. Margaret despaired that her once confident son had been reduced to someone so unsure of himself and his abilities. Thank God for a certain Cockney Firecracker. Molly had seemed to be the only one who could get through to him. The two had shared a unique bond forged during war, and the fact that she had saved his life seemed to only deepen their understanding of one another. They both understood the dark side of war and how ugly and unsettling the after effects could be. It was Molly who had given Charles the desperate kick he needed to get himself back on track. She was there to pick him back up and push him to work beyond the pain. She had reminded him that Lady Luck had given him a second change and she was not going to sit back and watch him waste it. He needed to get off his arse and fight like hell to make the most of his second chance and get back to being the cocksure Captain she adored. Molly had even resulted to sending him inspirational quotes in a last ditch attempt to keep him motivated. Although he had grumbled about them initially, Molly's texts soon became the highlight of his day. It was William Ernest Henley's Invictus that had really struck a chord with him:

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

In four simple lines Molly had reminded him that he, and he alone, was responsible for his fate. Since then, he had committed himself to his rehab like a man possessed. Margaret was finally starting to see the old Charles again thanks to Molly Dawes. Margaret knew there and then that Molly Dawes was not a woman to be trifled with. Things were finally looking up for them until their world had come to a screeching holt thanks to a 20 minute phone call.

"How could this happen?" with a sigh Margaret lent against her husband.

"The doctors said it could have happened anywhere. It was just unfortunate that it happened when it did."

"Poor Molly. To have to go through that on her own. She's been through enough. They all have. It shouldn't be happening to them. Smurf was still so young. It wasn't his time. Why is life so cruel?"

Richard held his wife as she cried. He had a sneaking suspicion that all the pent up worry, fear and anxiety that had been brewing since Charles had been shot was finally catching up to her. When Charles had first been injured Margaret had barely reacted. Instead, she had done what she always did and jumped straight into crisis mode. With military precision, Margaret had spent all her time flitting back and forth between Bath and Birmingham and placed all her energies into ensuring Charles was well cared for. She hadn't had time to properly grieve and come to terms with the fact that she had been so close to losing her son.

With a sniff Margaret stood up and moved towards the doorway, "I'll talk to him."

"Do you think that's a good idea?" Margaret gave another sigh and rubbed her eyes tiredly. It was getting late but she knew sleep would elude the James house tonight. "Maybe not but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand back and watch him choose darkness yet again. None of this is his fault. He needs to accept that and move on. They both do." With that she got up and marched up the stairs.

When Margaret reached the top of the stairs she found the hallway in total darkness save for a solitary light shining at the end of the hall. The library. As a child whenever Charles had done something wrong or had a bad day at school, he would retreat to the library and read as a way of escaping his reality. The small room filled to the brim with hundreds of books and comfortable sofas provided a sanctuary for Charles where he could think things through in his own time. As she peered around the door she found him slumped on a beanbag still in his uniform, books pulled from their shelves lay haphazardly around him. A battered copy of Under Milk Wood lay open on his knee. He stared unseeingly at the pages before him, his face void of any emotion. It wasn't until Margaret looked closer that she noticed the unbuttoned shirt, the messy un-kept hair, and the far away, haunting look in his eyes. Margaret perched on the edge of the sofa arm and waited. She knew he would talk when he was ready.

"How could I have let it go unnoticed?" He asked quietly.

"You couldn't have known this would happen sweetheart."

"I failed him Mum. I'm an epic fail. Molly warned me that he wasn't right. I didn't listen to her. I just assumed it was pre-tour dickwaving. Maybe she was right."

"Who was right?" Charles didn't answer straight away, instead thumbed through the warn pages on his knee, deep in thought.

"Candy. She said the Army failed her boys. Do you know what she said at the funeral? She said I gave the Army my boys and they gave me back a flag. I mean, what the fuck do you say to that? I'm really sorry I didn't take better care of your sons? That I promised I'd wrap Smurf up in cotton wall and bring him back in one piece so you didn't have to bury another son and I failed you? I failed myself?"

"You didn't fail anybody." Margaret interrupted softly.

"Of course I did. I had a duty of care to every single person in that section. It was my responsibility to ensure they all came back home in one piece. I got emotionally involved and took my eye off the ball. I let them all down."

"You weren't to know how he'd react sweetheart. You did everything in your power to take control of the situation. It's not your fault if Smurf didn't listen. Nobody blames you." Charles shook his head angrily.

"Candy does. I spoke to her after the funeral before I came home. She was devastated mum. And angry. I've never seen someone go from upset to angry so quickly. It was as if someone had flipped a switch."

Charles had stood and began pacing the small space. He looked like a caged animal as he paced restlessly back and forth. His voice had gained in volume as he lost his composure, unable to deal with the excessive levels of frustration, hurt and anger he was feeling at that moment.

"She's grieving sweetheart."

"She said I didn't take very good care of Smurf. What sort of Captain lets one of his men get shot? Twice! I should have realised he was fragged and got him on the first plane home. If I had maybe they would have found it sooner. If I'm guilty of anything it's that. I should have got him checked out the minute Molly suspected he wasn't right. I should have seen the signs. He was a good solider, so was his brother. Candy trusted me with the two most important people in her life and I let her down. Those boys were her world. I should have done more to protect him. I got distracted I took my eyes off the ball and broke my one rule. I got emotionally involved and he wound up dead because of me."

Margaret knelt in front of Charles and placed a cool hand on his cheek, drawing his eyes up to meet hers.

"You listen to me Charles Edward James. What happened to Smurf was inevitable. The haemorrhage could have happened anywhere at any time. Yes, the fact that he had gotten shot was a contributing factor. But that's not to say that it couldn't have happened when he was at home with Candy. Would she have blamed you then? I doubt it. She's just gone through a parent's worst nightmare love. It's difficult watching your child put their life in harms way day after day when you've spent years doing everything you can to protect them and shield them from the evils of the world. She's feeling guilty that she couldn't do anything to help him. She's angry at the world and is lashing out the only way she knows how. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's no reflection on you sweetheart."

Charles took a deep breath and let it out slowly, the tension finally leaving his body as he deflated in front of her. "She's lost everything Mum. It's not fair. Smurf was home. He made it."

"I know love. Some things just can't be explained. How is Molly taking it?"

"She's in shock I think. God I can't imagine what she had to go through. On her own to. I know she's strong but there's only so much heartache one person can take."

"What will she do now? Will she stay in?"

"Yeah she's taken that short tour of Afghan training medics. She'll be brilliant at it. Training those medics will do her confidence a world of good I'm sure. She's been through so much in such a short space of time, I don't think she's had time to process it all. Hopefully in Afghan she'll be able to sort out her world and everything in it and square all the pain and disappointment away."

In an attempt to try and lighten the mood, Margaret couldn't help but joke, "Does that mean when she gets back that we can finally meet her? Much longer, and we'll start to suspect that she's a figment of your imagination, like the imaginary friend you had when you were six."

"Oi! You know full bloody well Molly's real. We just want some time to settle back into civvie life properly that's all. I'm not intentionally keeping her away."

"See that you don't my boy. Now make sure you get some sleep, you've had a long day." With that Margaret kissed his forehead and headed for the door. She paused and turned back to find him watching her. "Just remember it's only when we are being tested that we truly discover who we really are. You should be proud of the man you've become Charles. I know I am."

A/N: Our Girl belongs to Tony Grounds and the BBC. Extracts from One Tree Hill and Invictus are not mine. Please R& R.