Breach of the Peace
Hearing the shrill ring of her mobile, Margaret rushed into the kitchen frantically scrambling through the piles of letters, magazines and various other documents that were scattered haphazardly across the breakfast bar. Oh for heaven sakes where is that blasted contraption? It'll be just my luck I'll find it as it rings off just as the land line had done moments before. Oh where are you, stupid bloody thing. Ah ha! Finding the mobile hidden under a stack of wedding magazines, Margaret pushed her reading glasses up her nose as she peered at the screen. Not recognising the number she swiped impatiently at the symbol before putting the phone to her ear and asking loudly "Hello?" There was aloud beep in her ear before she heard the faint sound of a voice on the other end. Margaret sighed in irritation. Bloody brilliant, another cold caller. What do they want this time?
"Hello?" Margaret repeated the greeting this time in a more forceful, impatient tone. "Listen whatever it is I'm not…" Margaret was quickly interrupted.
"Mum? There's no need to shout."
"Charles?" that's odd I thought he was away with the lads this weekend. "Sorry love I didn't realise it was you. Is everything alright?" hearing only silence on the other end Margaret began to worry. "Charles? Can you hear me?"
"Mum are you doing anything right now?" Margaret's eyebrows practically disappeared into her hairline at the hesitancy in Charles' tone. Uh oh something was definitely going on. "Nothing important. Why?" On the other end of the line Margaret could hear muffled laugher and the unmistakable angry tones of her only son as he snapped at someone in reply. "Listen mum could you possibly come and get me. I wouldn't ask only Molls is still in London and you're a lot closer."
"Alright, where are you?"
"Kiwi barracks, Bulford."
"Charles you're going to need to be a bit more specific than that love, Bulford's a big place." Who does he think I am, a mind reader? I know as a mother I have many hidden talents but honestly, what is the boy playing at?
"Alright fine I'm just off Marlborough road that building on the right hand side. If you see a load of soldiers wearing red caps you know you're in the right place." Margaret frowned as she took in what Charles just said. Wait a minute. Red Caps. Oh what have those boys gone and done now?
"Charles Edward James. Do you mean to tell me that I have to come and pick you up because YOU WERE ARRESTED BY THE MILITARY POLICE?" Margaret heard a groan, followed by a string of colourful curses that would have made even Nan blush as Charles tried to explain himself in a rush. "No, well sort of. Look I'll explain when you get here alright. Could please hurry up. Oh and could you possibly bring me a spare change of clothes, I seem to have lost mine. Cheers. I've got to go. Bye." Before Margaret could even form a reply Charles had rung off. With a sigh she grabbed Charles a fresh set of clothes from the laundry and threw them into an overnight back as she tried to locate her car keys. Just as she was about to walk out the door her phone beeped. Barely glancing at the screen Margaret swiped at the display distractedly. Opening the message Margaret stopped dead as the contents of the picture message registered in her distracted brain. Staring in disbelief Margaret burst out laughing as she looked at the picture in more detail. Oh well played Jackie, well played. Molls had months of blackmail material here is she used it wisely. Charles had better watch out. Still chuckling to herself Margaret shook her head ruefully as she started the car. Oh what have those boys got themselves into this time? Whatever it was, it was going to be one hell of a story, Margaret was sure.
Pulling up alongside the old brick building, Margaret was surprised to find several familiar figures slumped on the steps looking as though they were nursing one hell of a hangover. Ha! serves them right. Though where the rest of the lads were was anyone's guess. "Right, what have you bunch of Cockwombles gone and done now?" Wincing at her sharp tone, Baz Vegas, Dangles and Kinders all jumped to attention as Margaret approached, arms folded and an uncharacteristically stern expression on her face as she eyed each soldier in turn. Baz Vegas was the first to crack under her piercing stare, finding something on his shoe extremely interesting. Dangles followed soon after whilst Kinders, bless him, lasted a good thirty seconds before he to crumbled under what Charles dubbed her 'death stare.' Margaret shifted her gaze to the smirking brunette stood several paces away and greeted her cheerfully.
"Hello Jackie dear, how was your course?" Jackie grinned as she hugged Margaret in greeting whilst smirking at the sheepish group of soldiers. She wasn't even attempting to hide her amusement at the situation. "It was alright. I got an unexpected surprise on my way back though, that was for sure."
"I'm sure you did." Margaret's eyes flicked over the lads disapprovingly as they each adopted identical guilty looks. "Finding your former CO handcuffed to a flag pole in nothing but his boxers and beret is not a regular occurrence I trust?" Jackie sniggered and joked, "Oh I don't know, I had no complaints. Molls is one lucky lady." Margaret chuckled at the boy's uncomfortable looks as Kinders stepped forward to try and explain. "We're really sorry Mrs James, honest. We never meant for it to go this far, we only did it for a laugh."
"What exactly did you do and what are the charges?" At Margaret's question Dangles snorted and burst into a fit giggles as Mansfield and Kinders fought to keep their expressions serious. It didn't work and soon they were all laughing. Margaret eyed Jackie with exasperation as she waited for the boys to compose themselves. What's so fucking hilarious about that? Catching his breath first, Kinders wiped his eyes as he tried to explain. "Ahh Mrs J you might want to sit down for this." With that he took her arm and led her over to the wall. "You needn't worry, no charges have been officially filed against the Bossman." Hearing those words Margaret breathed a sigh of relief, well that's something I suppose. "Hang on, if there weren't any charges filed, then why on earth is Charles in a police cell? And what do you mean officially?" At that that the boys sniggered.
"The only crime Charles is guilty of is murdering 80's power ballads whilst under the influence of alcohol. We know he can hold a tune sober but after a few pints? He was worse than Mansfield. My poor ears!" Baz Vegas gave a mock shiver of horror at his confession. Margaret couldn't help but grin at that. She'd heard first-hand how awful Charles' voice was when he was completely plastered. How is that possibly? Surely if you can hold a note when sober, you can do it when drunk as well? Kinders ignored Baz's interruption and carried on with his narrative. "Mansfield figured that we couldn't have a stag do without pulling at least one prank on the Bossman. I don't think Fingers wanted everyone's funniest memory of the weekend being of him getting his tongue stuck to one of those sculptures at the ice bar in Bath. The Bossman was pretty drunk when we got to the parade ground and spotted the flagpole. We all agreed it would be a right laugh to handcuff him to it and Baz produced a pair of cuffs. Though where he got them from I don't know. Charles barely registered what we were doing, he was too busy singing Total Eclipse of the Heart. He even attempted a strip tease around the pole at one point. He managed to take off his shirt and tried to take off his jeans but kept getting his foot caught. He did look funny when he fell down the wall. He looked utterly baffled. I've never seen someone look so shocked. That made it a lot easier to cuff his hands I can tell you. He'd not the most co-ordinated fellow when drunk is he?" Margaret snorted at that. That was certainly true enough of her boy, bless him.
"Are any of us?" Margaret replied sending Dangles a knowing look. The last time the lads were that un-coordinated at Charles and Molly's engagement party, she'd lost her garden table. A memory of that night flashed into her mind and she looked at Kinders fearfully. "He didn't try to disappear into the pages of a book again did he? Oh God where did he try and go this time? Middle Earth, Platform 9 and ¾, down the rabbit hole to Wonderland perhaps?" Kinders grinned at her ability to see the humour in any situation. The others were too busy imagining the mischief Charles could get into if he thought the barracks had been Hogwarts or Bag End.
"Anyhow, we managed to cuff him and thought it would be fun to remove his trousers to. He was already wearing his beret as part of the stag uniform. We only ever intended to leave him there for a few hours but we sort of fell asleep." Jackie piped up,
"I found these muppets all asleep on the grass when I arrived at Barracks for my course. Molls had told me to keep an eye out for the boys in Salisbury but I saw far more than I bargained for I can tell you. The lads were reluctant to let the Bossman down at first, they wanted to wait until he woke up to see his reaction. I managed to persuade them to give me the key just as a group of Redcaps walked past on patrol."
"So what happened then? Did you get into trouble?" Margaret looked at Jackie for reassurance.
"One of the guys recognised Charles. Apparently they had served together on his first tour of Afghan. It sounds as though Bossman was making a bit of a nuisance of himself by trying to perform as many show tunes as he could, as loudly as he could. The redcaps on duty weren't very impressed. Breach of the peace and all that. Luckily your Charles still has friends in high places. One of the other Redcaps knew Charles from Sandhurst and agreed to pull some strings to let the boys have a bit of fun."
"Yeah. Top bloke he was," Baz Vegas grinned. "He helped us carry Charles back to the station and put him in an empty cell to sleep it off. The guards agreed to make it authentic like, just as long as we sunk them a few bevvies at the bar. Poor Bossman woke up a few hours ago not havin a clue where he was and thinking they'd been done for being drunk and disorderly. Fingers, Mansfield and Nude Nut were let in the cell just before he woke up to make it look as though they had been arrested as well. Charles just about had a Sean Connery as Molls would say." Margaret stared in amazement at the group of grinning soldiers in front of her. Oh what she wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall for that incident. She had to admit the boys were good. Though where the hell they came up with these pranks, she had no idea. Neither of them lacked imagination that was for sure. "Right so let me get this straight. You went out and got my son drunk, handcuffed him to a flag pole in full view of British Army personnel where he proceeded to pole dance and perform a strip tease whilst singing power ballads and show tunes. Furthermore, he is currently sat in a police cell no doubt hung over and throwing a hissy fit because he thinks he's been arrested for being drunk and disorderly. Is that about right?" The remaining members of Two Section all looked at each other before Dangles nodded in agreement. "That's it in a nutshell Mrs J yeah." The boys eyed Margaret carefully as they tried to gauge her reaction. "Please tell me one of you took a video and some pictures of him in the cell? Molly's going to love this. Have you told him he's off the hook yet?" Margaret met the twinkling eyes of the lads, all of whom looked as though they had dodged a bullet. "Well we were hoping you'd want to play along for a little while longer." Kinders replied, a plan evident in his twinkling eyes and cheeky grin. Margaret raised an eyebrow. What and miss out on a chance to wind up Charles? I don't think so.
"Alright I'm in. What do you need me to do?"
As Margaret followed the redcap on duty along the corridor, she could hear the distinctive Mancunian tones of Fingers as he and Mansfield attempted to amuse themselves to alleviate some of their boredom. Unfortunately it sounded as though poor, unsuspecting Charles was their target. He was slumped in the corner with his head in his hands, no doubt feeling sorry for himself at his unfortunate predicament. Unlike the other two, who were wearing civvies, Charles donned a pair of what looked like overalls, clearly all the redcaps could find last minute. Just as she was about to make her presence known, she heard Mansfield mutter, "Hay Bossman, we're really sorry for getting you arrested. We didn't mean it. Honest." Margaret heard Charles sigh but couldn't make out his reply.
"Yeah Boss it was only meant to be a laugh," reassured Fingers. Not one for enjoying the silence, Mansfield tried to engage Charles once again in conversation. "Hay Boss?"
"What Mansfield?"
"Nothing." Margret didn't need to look to hear the smile in Mansfield's tone. He was definitely up to something. A few seconds later Mansfield tried again. "Hay Bossman?" Margaret chuckled as Charles' frustration became evident when he answered, "Yesss Mansfield?" There was a pause before Mansfield gave a mock sigh. "Oh nothing Boss." Charles only groaned, ignoring the quiet sniggers of both Mansfield and Fingers. It was obvious that they were trying to wind Charles up and judging by his response they were clearly succeeding.
"Bossman?"
"Stop it Mansfield."
"Right. Sorry Boss." The three soldiers sat in silence until Mansfield spoke up yet again.
"Hay Bossman?" Margaret held her breath as Charles gave a quiet growl and jumped to his feet. Uh oh here comes Captain Stern Voice. Wait for it…..
"MANSFIELD IF YOU SAY 'NOTHING' ONE MORE TIME I WILL NOT HESITATE TO TAKE YOUR SMIRKING FACE AND SHOVE IT THROUGH THR BARS OF THIS CELL UNTIL YOU ARE STUCK GOOD AND PROPER YOU SHIT STIRRING, PRINCE HARRY WANNABE. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?" The cell went completely silent. It appeared her poor son was less tolerant of the lads attempts at fun and games when he was severely hung over. Who knew? Mansfield muttered a quiet "sorry Boss." Margaret had the sneaking suspicion that Mansfield had the attention span of a teaspoon and wouldn't be able to stay quiet for long. Sure enough, after a few minutes of silence, he started shifting on the bench and began quietly humming to himself, completely ignoring the fact that he just had his balls handed to him by his former CO. Margaret frowned as she listened to the tune. It sounded vaguely familiar. Oh he wouldn't be that stupid would he? Surely not. Margaret wasn't the only one who recognised the tune as Fingers joined in, singing softly under his voice, "Oh I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves. I know a song that will get on your nerves and this is how it goes."
Charles groaned in despair and started muttering to himself "Maybe I can move to another cell. If I don't I'll end up murdering the fuckmuppets before I get anywhere near the aisle and there won't be a wedding because I'll most likely be up on a double murder charge. Why did I agree to this bloody stag do anyway?" Margaret, who had caught her son's musing, made the mistake of catching the eye of the redcap who was escorting her, he too was biting his lip and trying desperately not to laugh.
"I think now might be a good time to rescue your son Ma'am. I dare to think of what Captain James will do if he's cooped up in there much longer." Margaret nodded and stepped towards the cell just as Charles uttered in a deadly calm voice, "Fingers?" Oblivious to the danger he was in, Fingers asked cheerfully, "Yes Boss?"
"Shut the fuck up." Margaret turned just in time to see Fingers give a mock salute. Clearing her throat the three detainees looked up at the intrusion. "Oh than God you're here! Mum get me out please!" Charles jumped up and reached a hand through the bars towards Margaret. The guard sent Margaret a wink and made a fuss of asking Margaret to sign some last minute paperwork before they were released "Alright Captain James. You were charged last night for being drunk and disorderly as well as attempting to breach the peace of Kiwi Barracks by forcing the poor sods to endure your horrendous renditions of a number of 80's power ballads; not to mention the entire back catalogue of London's West End. Furthermore, might I suggest in future that if you wish to become the next Magic Mike you take the time to brush up on your dancing skills and possibly partake in a pole dancing class or two?"
At this point Charles was stood staring in disbelief between the guard and Margaret as he tried to wrap his head around what just happened. "I'm not entirely sure I understood what you just said. What exactly was I charged with?" With that Margaret took out her phone and muttered "Say Stag Do!" As she snapped the photo the lads jumped in and turned the photo into a group mugshot by holding up a placard with the words "Bossman's stag do 2015." Laughing Margaret quickly send a txt to Molly as the guard unlocked the cell door. The lads bounded out the cell and stood in a line against the wall. Holding his hand out to Charles the guard laughed at his confused expression, "Not to worry Captain that was one hell of a stunt your former section pulled last night."
"What do you mean." As he turned his stern gaze to look at Mansfield and Fingers, Margaret could see them sharing a panicked look. When the single eyebrow lifted, they knew they were in trouble. Come on boys just get it over with. Just like ripping off a plaster, quick and painless. "Well you see Bossman, we, that is the rest of the section, thought it would be a laugh to pull as prank on you."
"What kind of prank Mansfield?" Charles' face was impassive, not giving anything away.
"Umm well, last night you were pretty wasted after the Karaoke Box and started singing really loudly as we tried the get you through the parade ground. We may or may not have seen a flag pole and thought it a good idea to handcuff you too it... Almost naked."
"You what?"
"Yah anyway we may have fallen asleep and accidentally left you there all night and got caught trying to get you down when the redcaps turned up first thing. One of them recognised you and agreed to help us put you into a cell and make you think you got arrested when you woke up."
"Hold on. Do you mean to tell me I woke up thinking I'd spent the night in a cell, all so you could have a laugh?"
"ummm yes? and also Boss, not being funny or ought, but it was sort of payback for all the bad singing and dancing you did. You put us to shame a bit. We thought you were cool Sir. That's where the fake charges came in."
"What so I haven't been charged?" at that point Margaret stepped in as she led Charles and the boys outside. "No Love, it was all a laugh. Just be thankful that didn't get it in their heads to send you on a little solitary trip. You could have woken up on a boat half way across the channel by now. It could have been a lot worse."
Margaret heard Mansfield muttereing as she walked through the main doors out of the station. "Why didnt we think of that Fingers?"They found the rest of Two Section and Jackie waiting for them. The lads broke out into cheers and whistled as Charles came out last, trying to let his eyes adjust to the light.
"There he is, the only officer ever to be handcuffed before he was put under arrest, ay Bossman." Dangles joked as the rest of the boys soon joined in. Charles shook his head as the jokes rolled off their tongues like water.
"Hay Boss. What do you call it when a prisoner takes is own mug shot?" Margret looked at Charles expectantly as the group waited for his answer. With a roll of his eyes and a shrug he muttered,
"I don't know. What do you call a prisoner who takes his own mug shot?" Brains sniggered as he answered,
"A cellfie. Get it? A Cell-fie." The lads all groaned as Charles and Margret both shook their heads with a laugh.
"Awful mate. Absolutely bloody awful."
"Hay Boss we sort of did that didn't we?" Fingers looked at Charles hopefully as if he was about to be told he had just discovered electricity.
"Nah Fingers I don't think it counts if my mum takes the photo. Bad luck." Fingers groaned. the others brightened as the group mug shot was passed around. "Ah that's one for the bulleten board, ay boss. It sure beats our deplyoment photo. Do you think we could go in and get a group one?" Charles chuckled as he troed to calm them down.
"Right lads, looks to me like you all could do with some R and R before you return to work on Monday. You all better double away before I decide to make you do extra drills and put you all on latrine duty for a month because of that little stunt you all pulled. It was brilliant I'll admit. Brilliant but foolish. Very, very foolish." Seeing the smirk on their bosses face the boys groaned in unison as they started saying their goodbyes. Margaret wasn't entirely sure if Charles would carry out his threat but one thing was for sure. She certainly didn't want to be those boys come Monday morning.
A/N: Thank you so much for the continuing support for this story. Your positive reviews and feedback is always greatly appreciated. Not being in the army, I had to do a bit of googling to try and work out geographically where the barracks and the Military Police are in relation to Salisbury so took a few liberties to make this fit in with the events of the series so far. Any mistakes are all mine. Thanks for reading.