Girls Just Want To Have Fun
"Molls are you sure we're goin' the right way? Only I ain't being funny but didn't we pass that cow just now?" Nan asked sceptically from the back of the car as she stared in disapproval at the remote fields surrounding them. They'd been driving in circles for nearly an hour through a series of narrow, sharp and winding country lanes and they were still no closer to finding the cottage they had hired to celebrate Molly's hen do. The evening sun was beginning to dip below the tree line and the last thing anyone wanted was to be lost in the middle of nowhere in the dark.
"No I ain't bloody sure. I'm doin' what the Sat Nav and the directions are tellin' me to do. I turned a sharp right after that old barn and now the Sat Nav says to turn left down this road but there is no bloody left turn." Molly growled in annoyance as she glanced down at the Sat Nav on the dashboard in frustration. So much for a nice relaxing hen do. At this rate they'd be lucky if they even got there at all. She swore softly when the words GPS signal lost flashed across the screen. "Has anyone else got a signal on their phone?" Belinda, Nan, Bella, and Katie all scrambled for their phones. Bella unwound the window stuck her arm out, waving her phone back and forth in the air. "Nope, sorry Molls. No service. 'Ear is there WiFi where we're goin'? What am I gunna do with no service?"
"Get your head out your arse an actually join in with the rest of us for a change? I didn't bring you all the way down here so you can spend all weekend on bleedin' Facebook you know." Margaret, hearing Molly's frustration, looked up from where she was attempting to wrestle an oversized, crumpled map of Bath into a more manageable shape whilst simultaneously holding her reading glasses on her nose without obscuring Molly's view of the road in front of her. It was a battle Margaret was determined to win at any cost. "Ah Ha. There you go, slippery little bugger. Right well according to this map and the directions the company gave us, we should see a sign for the Old Granary a little further around the corner. You're definitely on the right road Molly. "
"God I hate the countryside." Molly muttered under her breath, only to give a yell as she was forced to perform an emergency stop when she spotted a lone sheep standing casually in the road, oblivious to the huge car heading towards it. "Oh for fuck sakes. Get out of the way!" she yelled as she beeped the horn. Margaret watched as the sheep stood still, completely unfazed by the loud noise. Instead, lifting its head to gaze in Molly's direction with a somewhat bored expression on its face. Uh oh bad move. Margaret risked a glance at Molly and watched in fascination as she attempted to engage the sheep in a fierce staring contest. Her face was a mask of concentration, as if she was willing it to move by the power of her glare alone. Margaret knew from experience that Molly's famous glare could reduce even the toughest of Army men into a pool of jelly. Clearly this talent didn't extend to animals. Rapidly losing her patience, Molly jumped out of the car and wandered tentatively over to the sheep, making shooing noises and gesturing wildly with her arms to try and get it moving. Oh god please don't start pushing the damn thing. The last thing they need is an injury by sheep, even if they were surrounded by a group of medics. Nan poked her head out the window yelling out, "Oi Molls what are you doin' you daft cow? Have you become the sheep whisperer now you're a proper country bumpkin?"
"Well I don't see any of you lot gettin' out an' helpin' so pipe down and wind your neck in Nan." Eventually, as if bored of watching Molly's antics, the sheep dropped its head and casually ambled past, leaving the lane free once more. With a shake of her head, Molly returned to the car and continued to drive along the narrow lane missing the small plaque nailed to the gate. "Uh Molls? I think that was it back there," Katie muttered hesitantly as she craned her neck to look back over her shoulder. Molly slammed her foot on the breaks causing Margaret to grip the handle above the window until her knuckles were white. She couldn't help but wince hearing gears grind in protest at Molly's harsh handling of the gearbox as she reversed the car back down the lane. Why did I agree to let Molly drive the Land Rover again? Margaret was relieved when they eventually caught their first glimpse of the old stone barn. At least they were here in one piece; well just about. I'm not sure about my poor nerves.
"Wow!" Margaret smiled at the reaction from the occupants of the car as they took in the cottage for the first time. The entire north face of the converted stone barn was dominated by huge bay windows that opened out onto a neat patio area, with benches and deck chairs that gave a perfect view of the sprawling fields. "Cor blimey Molls, it's like summat out of one of them posh magazines innit. It looks well nice love." Belinda muttered as she stared in awe at their surroundings.
"I could definitely live here Molls. I reckon it's dead quiet and peaceful round here. Well that's if they ain't got any of them cockerels making a bloomin' racket at stupid o' clock. I know you army lot are up at the crack of dawn but that rule goes out the window this weekend alright." Margaret sniggered as Molly couldn't help but joke, "Don't worry Nan there's no chance of that, what with your snoring. It's probably a good job they have got a few cocks about, they're probably the only type you'll have seen in a while ay Nan?"
"Oi careful, you cheeky mare. Just remember whose hen do we're at. All bets are off this weekend I can tell ya. Now come on. What's the bet they've got one of them posh Aga watsits on the go. I'm dyin' for a brew." Margaret couldn't help but agree. Sitting out on the patio with a glass of wine sounded lovely as she stretched her aching muscles, wincing as her joints cracked as she moved her limbs. She turned with a grin when she recognised the sarcastic northern twang behind them.
"Ay up girls troubles arrived. What time do you call this? You only live half hour away. How is it we were the ones waiting for you?" Margaret chuckled at Jackie's good-natured jibe as the group of women clambered to greet Molly and her family. "Don't look at me Jacks, blame the bloody sheep we nearly ran over, or the Sat Nav that decided to pack in about 10 minutes ago whilst we were in the middle of bloody nowhere. Your bleedin' lucky we're here at all I can tell ya." Jackie raised her eyebrows noticing right away that Molly wasn't here usual cheeky self. Margaret shook her head gently as she whispered, "Let's just say some of us are a tad stressed due to the drive over. I did offer but you know what Molly is like, stubborn to the last."
"Too right. You can't take her anywhere. She's a trouble magnet that one. Come on you, a few glasses of wine will sort you out in no time. If not, we'll get Katie to mix you one of her famous cocktails. You'll be laughing in no time." Poor Katie blushed as she tried to defend herself, "Hay, It was only the once. I'd never made one before. How was I supposed to know I'd put too much in". Margaret laughed as Jackie pulled at Katie's arm with a role of her eyes, dragging her towards the house. It was lovely to see Katie so at ease in the other girl's company. Since Molly had introduced them when they had returned from her first tour, the three had become firm friends. Although the trio didn't spend as much time together as Molly and Jackie did, it was thanks to them that Katie had slowly begun to come out of her shell and gain some self- confidence. The girls had refused to allow Katie to blend into the background and go unnoticed.
"Don't worry Katie. After this weekend I can guarantee you'll never make a bad cocktail again. Now come and see the house. You're going to love it. It's all wooden beams and high ceilings. The Aga is immense. Margaret's come up trumps with this beauty I can tell you." Looping her other arm through Molly's, Jackie began to steer the group into the farm house style kitchen where champagne and cakes awaited them. Halfway towards the path Molly paused and turned to Jackie a worried expression on her face, "I aint gotta do anything bad this weekend do I Jacks? You won't let me wake up handcuffed to a cow or out would ya?" Sniggering at Molly's pleading look, Jackie shrugged casually, "That all depends entirely on your definition of bad I guess Molls. Sayin that, how would you handcuff someone to a cow? Might have to try that one of the boys, no?"
Once everyone had settled in, Jackie calling everyone onto the patio. They'd all dressed for the occasion, choosing to accessorise their outfits with various items of fancy dress: ranging from colourful tutus, funky glasses to feather boas. "Ok troops, lets get this party started. Molls I know you said you didn't want too much fuss but there are some traditions that you just can't ignore on a hen party. No bride to be would be complete without a few very important accessories. So first we have your obligatory Bride to Be sash." Molly giggled as Katie placed the sash over her shoulder. "Oh and we mustn't forget this. A veil, but with a few modifications." Molly looked in confusion as Jackie skilfully placed a headset on Molly's head, adjusting to ensure it fitted perfectly. "Jacks what are you up to?" Jackie ignored her and carried on.
"Ta da! Made especially for you." With that, Jackie brandished a veil with a flourish, and attached it to the top of her headset. "Now you've got your veil, you're officially a bride on her hen do Molls."
"What are you makin' me do Jacks?" Jackie smirked and handed Molly a small box without a word. "All will be revealed Molls. Though seeing as I'm nice, I've given you some clues." Molly looked around the group suspiciously, an eyebrow raised at Margaret in question. "Go on Molly, it's safe to open, I promise." Taking a deep breath Molly started pulling items out of the box one by one. First, were a pair of handcuffs, followed by a shot glass. Next, Molly pulled out what looked like a tea strainer, a toy train, a cocktail glass and finally, a chilli. Margaret surveyed the scene with amusement. She could almost see the cogs of Molly's brain turning as she tried to fit the pieces of the puzzle together and work out what on earth was going on. "Any guesses Molls?"
"I ain't got a Scooby! Have you lot got me a tea drinking stripper dressed as a policeman with a fetish for trains and chillies?" The group burst into giggles at Molly's suggestion. Now that certainly made for an interesting image didn't it? "Close but no cigar Molls. Your first activity is a cocktail masterclass." Margaret sent a wink in Nan's direction when they spotted the look on Molly's face. "Ay? What's the handcuffs and trains all about then? Is this some weird shit you do for amusement up North Jacks?"
"All will be revealed. Come on ladies, this way." Jackie led the group into the dining room and Margaret couldn't help but laugh at Molly's stunned expression. The dining room had been transformed into a cocktail bar. The girls had wound fairly lights around the cabinets and dimmed the lights in an attempt to create an atmosphere. The patio doors were thrown open and the chairs had been moved to create more space. Music was playing softly from a speaker dock on the side. The dining table had been cleared and was now lined with an array of colourful glasses of all shapes and sizes. A selection of shakers, mixers and other cocktail making tools and ingredients were placed next to various bottles of spirits and alcohol, along with ice buckets and trays that they would no doubt be using throughout the evening. Margaret couldn't help but notice that most of the girls' attention was drawn to the figure stood next to the table shaking a mixer vigorously over his head before pouring the contents into a line of glasses. He finished off by adding a fresh strawberry into each one.
"Everyone this is Jamie our mixologist for the evening. He's bravely accepted the challenge of showing us lot how to mix cocktails tonight. I did say we'd try and be on our best behaviour but he's promised to be on his guard just in case." Jamie laughed good-naturedly before gesturing to the group, "I'm always up for a challenge. Welcome ladies, can I offer you a raspberry Mojito to get things warmed up? It's made from Bacardi rum, raspberry and basil syrup made from our own recipe, a hint of lime, topped with soda and garnished with mint. So, which one of you lovely ladies is the bride to be?" The girls cheered and pushed Molly to the front of the group where she accepted the drink with a smile. "Cheers mate!" taking a sip Molly grinned in approval, "That's well nice girls." As the girls passed around the drinks Jamie began explaining how the cocktail making would work. "Tonight I'll be showing you how to mix three different cocktails: A Candy Apple Cosmo, a Rum Bongo and a Cosmopolitan Martini. You'll be taught how to measure the ingredients and mix them to make a perfect cocktail. In theory," he finished with a grin, his eyes twinkling mischievously.
"Ear, what you mean in theory. It can't be that hard can it?" Belinda asked dubiously. Jamie smiled knowingly as he turned his attention to the rest of the group. "Well that all depends ladies."
"On what?" Katie asked, unsure she wanted to know the answer.
"On how good you are working as a team. We're going to liven things up and play a game called Stuck on You."
"What's so difficult about that mate?" Molly asked.
"You'll be making your cocktails….whilst being handcuffed to each other. Oh and for those you who like causing trouble, you'll have to face the consequences," Jamie finished with a grin. "Ay I bet you weren't expecting to end up in cuffs tonight were you Molls?" Jackie called out. "Well as long as we don't have any run-ins with the redcaps and I end up in a police cell, I think we're good." Margaret chuckled at Molly's subtle reference to how Charles' stag do had ended a few weeks previously. Molly and the lads had taken great delights in ribbing him about his drunken antics; something that Charles refused to take lying down. With the threat of a retaliation imminent, Charles had the lads living in fear of when his sneak attack would take place.
After much shuffling, cursing and giggling, the group found themselves handcuffed together in a long line around the table, with only Nan and Margaret left. "Allow me to do the honour ladies?" Nan winked at Jamie, "You can shake me and stir me anytime you like sunshine, you only have to ask."
Margaret nudged Nan playfully in the ribs and whispered, "Behave yourself woman." Nan grinned as the cuffs enclosed around her wrists. "Ear, this isn't gunna turn into an episode of Orange is the New Black or out is it caz I don't swing that way. Well, unless Grace of Monaco were to appear but that's unlikely ain't it?" Jamie shook his head as the others chuckled, already used to Nan's humour.
"Ok ladies, we're going to start with the Cosmopolitan. First take a cocktail shaker, fill with cubed ice and add a dash of lime juice, cranberry juice, 1 shot of Grey Goose Le Citron and 1 shot of Cointreau. Shake it vigorously for a few seconds and strain into your empty chilled martini glass. Finally, rub the orange peel around the rim of the glass and drop into the drink." Margaret watched Jamie's demonstration carefully. Ahh piece of piss. It'll be easy right? Oh how wrong could one be? As the girls attempted to follow Jamie's instructions, they were forever forgetting that their movements were restricted, not only by the handcuffs, but by their accessories as well. It was a lot harder than it looked. Katie and her partner were the first pair to make a mistake; accidently bumping their handcuffs against the bottle of Vodka, causing it to tip and spill onto the table. "Ayyy, there's always one. That's a waste of good alcohol Katie, what ya playin at?" Katie blushed and groaned as Jamie handed her a shot glass. Molly laughed at the look of panic on Katie's face remembering the first time she encouraged her to drink a shot during basic. Judging by the way her face screwed up as she drank, her tolerance hadn't improved. Coughing and spluttering she managed to gasp, "What was that? It's vile!" "That is a chilli shot. For every mistake you make you have to drink a shot. The same goes when you spill something." The girls all cheered, eager to begin.
The rest of the session was filled with much giggling, cursing and shuffling as the number of Chilli shots began to increase with each cocktail they made. Molly and Jackie managed to break their glass, after Molly got their wrists tangled in her headset whilst they were dancing energetically to the music. "Fuck sake Jacks that stuff is mingin!" Molly gasped as they accepted their shot. The smug grins worn by both Belinda and Bella were soon wiped off their faces, when Jamie caught them pouring an extra measure of Vodka into their cocktails. Molly's friends weren't fairing any better. Several of them lost various pairs of funky glasses in their drinks or found feathers floating in their concoctions as they tried to rub the orange peel around their glasses one handed. With their hand-eye coordination and fine motor skills severely lacking due to the alcohol they had consumed, and the fact they were handcuffed together, most of their ingredients ended up on the floor instead of in their glasses. Every time, they were made to drink a chilli shot as punishment. When Jamie caught Molly attempting to chuck her shot into a flower pot, he'd made her drink a double shot as punishment, much to the delight of the group. It seemed to Margaret that the more they drank, the more mistakes they made, resulting in even more shots. It was a vicious circle.
The fun really started when it was time to use the shakers and pour the drinks. "Cor this will certainly sort out you bingo wings ay Belinda," Nan called out.
"Here I was thinking Zumba was bad. I'm not sure which is worse," Margaret muttered as they tried, unsuccessfully, to coordinate their arm movements in time with each other to shake their mixer. Eventually, they all managed to work out a system where everyone placed their right hand on the top of the shaker to the right of the circle, and their left hand on the bottom of the shaker to the left. Margaret was nominated by the others to call out "Up down, up down" so they were all able to shake in time. The result was a weird push and pull dance much like a Mexican Wave that sent ice flying in all directions and left everyone with aching arms and in fits of laughter as they accepted the inevitable round of shots. Unfortunately, whilst making their last cocktail, Nan got a little carried away trying to shake the mixer above her head like a pro, forgetting Margaret was still handcuffed to her and holding the other end of the shaker. Not expecting the sudden movement, Margaret's hand twisted causing the shaker to open, showering the group in alcohol and ice. Margaret and Nan looked at each other before simultaneously turning to face Molly who was sporting a wicked grin. Without a word, she and Jackie managed to pick up the bottle of chilli vodka and started waving it in their faces. Oh bollocks! "Now come on ladies, you know the rules. Drink up." As the rest of the group started cheering Nan raised her glass in salute, "On three? One, two, three, GO!"
"Good god, that stuff is awful." Margaret grimaced as she slammed the shot glass on the side. She looked up just in time to see Bella take a picture on her phone. Oh god please don't sent that one to Charles, I'll never live it down!
As the session drew to a close, Jamie gathered them together and finally released them from their handcuffs. The other glasses had been removed and instead a line of glasses with coloured shots balanced atop of them snaked its way around the table. "Alright it's time for the finale ladies; our famous vodka train." Margaret looked at it with interest as Jamie guided a slightly unsteady Molly to the end of the table. "Right all you have to do Molly is knock the first glass when you're ready." Molly was grinning excitedly. Katie was stood with her camera at the ready. "Ok ready, steady go!" When Molly pushed the first glass, it tipped and fell into the next one, its contents falling into the glass beneath it. The girls broke into applause at the Domino effect that was created as a rainbow of colour soon appeared around the table. Belinda picked up a glass and raised to in a toast, "To Molly's last nights of freedom." There was a chorus of cheers followed by the clinking of glasses as they girls all downed their shots. "Ah that's what a shot should taste like ay Molls? What do you want to do now? Jackie asked.
"Now we dance Jacks."
The early hours found Margaret sat on the decking taking in the cool night air. The rest of the night had been spent dancing and singing at the top of their lungs until one by one, they'd all crashed out until Jackie, Nan, Margaret, Molly and a few others were left awake. It was a good job they were in the middle of nowhere with no neighbours to worry about. Hearing a noise, Margaret turned and watching in amusement as Molly and Jackie tottered over to join her, leaning on each other for support. "You having a good time girls?" Margaret chuckled at the happy smile on Molly's face as she lent her head on her shoulder and giggled to herself. "Yeah I've had the best time. Though could you tell the trees to stop wavin' at me, they're giving me the willies."
"That's the wind and the alcohol talkin you muppet," Jackie replied with a snort as Molly made a noncommittal sound, fighting to keep her eyes open. "You dancing queens have finished your standoff I take it. Dare I ask who won?" Margaret asked, her eyes twinkling. When she'd left the three had been dancing on the dining room table. Molly's headset and veil were askew and Nan was attempting some risqué burlesque moves with a feather boa. Jackie grinned, "You should have seen her, she was swinging from the light fixtures an' all." Oh god! I'll never get my deposit back if she breaks anything. "Where is Nan now?" Molly, gaining a second wind from god knows where, suddenly staggered to her feet in a rush, grabbing both Margaret and Jackie to help keep her steady. "You've got to come see this, she's outdone herself this time." Curious, Margaret let the girls guide her to the downstairs bathroom where they found Nan asleep, curled up on the floor of the shower cubicle, hugging a bath mat. She was still wearing her glasses and boa and had somehow acquired an afro wig.
"Shit she didn't fall did she? Surely she can't be comfy like that." Margaret asked alarmed. Molly and Jackie stifled their giggles and paused, listening. The silence was broken by the sound of Nan's loud snores as they echoed around the room. "What you reckon we give your Nan a nice wake up call?" Jackie asked gesturing to the shower head.
"Nah I've got a better idea ladies. Jacks give me a hand would ya!" With that, Molly stumbled over to the cubicle and they carefully manoeuvred Nan so she was closer to the handrail. Taking a pair of handcuffs from her pocket, she tried to stifle her laughter as she handcuffed Nan's arm to the handrail. The three paused to watch her for a few seconds, only to jump and dart for the doorway when she suddenly shifted in her sleep. Jackie carefully pulled the door closed and turned to Molly. "Ay don't lose that key will ya Molls. She'll kill us in the morning." Margaret raised an eyebrow at the look of confusion on Molly's face. Ut oh this isn't good. "Key, what key? I thought you had it?"
"No I gave it to you, you numpty." The two looked at each other in panic before turning to Margaret before crying at the same time.
"Oh shit!"
A/N: So sorry its taken so long. I've been distracted by the brilliant FF out there at the moment. It's fair to say I've had a major wobble over this chapter, which is why its taken me so long to update. This is the first of two chapters for the hen do as it was far to long a chapter to post in one go.
Thanks for all the lovely reviews regarding this story. When i set out I didnt have a clear idea of where I was going or where i would end up. It's nice to know you all seem to be enjoying the ride.