A/N: Wow so I have no idea what to say. It feels sort of like i'm greeting an old friend, with the whole, "Hey, it's been a while." sort of feel to it. Even I had to go back through most of it to remember where I'd left off. I have to say I have been working on this update intermittently for weeks. I've just had absolutely no free time. School, work, and life in general have been keeping me insanely busy. Still, I was determined to get this up as soon as possible. And I am keeping that promise to myself, since it seems like I've broken all of my other ones. Hopefully, you guys will forgive me for taking so long to update and can relate to how crazy life can be. Writing has been my passion for as long as I can remember, and it still is. It just so happens that other things get in the way. Such is life. Anyhow, without further ado, here is the update.

Title: Ask Me How Much I Love You

Chapter: Who Am I Living For?

Spoilers: A play on spoilers from Anatomy of a Murder. Kate tells Castle that she would break him out of prison. Castle sees this as a sign of Love.

Disclaimer: Sadly the amazing show that is Castle does not belong to me, nor does Natan Fillion (as amazing as he his)!

Rating: T (just to be on the safe side)

At first light the next morning, Castle abruptly woke. With a jolt he sat up, his body transitioning from sleep to wakefulness rapidly in response to some sort of stimuli. A shiver ran up his spine as the blankets fell away from his torso and the cold air met his damp upper body. Over the course of the night, sweat had collected on his body as his body overcompensated to the cold and became feverish. He ran a hand over his jaw as he yawned. He looked around anxiously, as he was still quite unfamiliar with his surroundings. Finally, after taking a large panoramic view of the open living space he had fallen asleep in the night before his eyes finally met those of Jordan Shaw, who was standing close by. She was dressed in a heavy jacket and nice slacks, with a large bag slung over her shoulder. His brow furrowed as he took in her posture and the way she was dressed. Her intent was obvious, but he wasn't ready to be left alone just yet. Castle shifted, sitting up a little straighter as he swiveled so that his feet touched the floor and he was facing her.

"You're leaving?" Castle asked as he was left rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, "I can't afford to wait any longer. If I'm not back by 8a.m. tomorrow morning, I'm going to have to answer a lot of questions. I have a long drive ahead of me, and then a couple of connection flights to go along with it." She swallowed.

"Where are you headed?" Rick asked softly as he stretched out the incredibly stiff and sore muscles of his shoulders and lower back before ultimately standing.

"Toronto," she explained. "I'll fly from there to Detroit, then catch a connection flight to Baltimore and then finally catch one to New York." She held up a fake passport. I figured going out of my way would be better because it puts as much distance between me and any suspicious activity that took place as possible." Castle nodded. "Here." Castle's reflexes were tested as Jordan picked up the bag at her feet and threw it towards Castle. He caught the small bag she tossed towards him, and unzipped it. His jaw fell open, as he saw a hell of a lot of money, all in Canadian bills, and a fake passport she must have just finished doctoring.

"That and the paperwork I just printed off should be enough to get your foot in the door somewhere," Shaw said quietly, "I also had Avery do some poking around. He discovered a teaching position at a local college in Halifax and sent them your credentials. So you've got an in there if you want it. If you'd rather head somewhere else, then that's up to you. You're on your own now, Rick. I'm not going to be here to walk you through things. Whatever choices you make from here on out are yours and yours alone. The phone in there should be untraceable." Rick nodded once more and swallowed. Immediately he thought about calling Alexis, Martha, and Kate. However, before he could even dwell on the thought for a single moment, Shaw seemed to read his mind or caught a look in his eyes because she quickly said. "Do me a favor and don't call them, Rick." She took a breath. "Believe me. I know that it's going to be tempting. You're going to want to hear their voice more than anything in the world. But you can't call them. They'll have your phones tapped by now, and Kate will be under a microscope for a while." Castle's stomach felt as if it were sinking.

"I…I told her I'd talk to her again," Castle looked visibly upset.

"I'm sorry, Rick, but she never called back." Shaw shook her head. "Look, I know that you really want to talk with her, but it's too risky. And ultimately, the sooner you get used to being alone, the better. You're going to have to accept that you have to be invisible." She sighed as she observed the look in Rick's eyes and the raw pain in them. "No one said this would be easy."

"Right," Castle choked out.

"Your transportation is out front," Shaw spoke as she inclined her head, "Not that I mean to be pushy, but sooner you get a move on the better." She held out her hand, offering him a dense metal service piece, she'd taken from a small arsenal located beneath the floorboards. Castle looked to the object in her hand and just stared at it. "Castle," Shaw said calmly, "You're going to want it. So take it. Just in case."

"No," Castle shook his head. "I don't want it." He stood up and quickly pushed her out of his way. She could sense his anger. The way his shoulders were set as he pushed the front door open, was a main giveaway as to his current mindset. She could practically feel the anger and frustration rolling off of him in waves. She winced as she heard the front door slam shut behind him. She couldn't imagine what it must be like to know that you have no one…to know that you have to sever the ties between you and everyone else in your life. It wasn't something someone did willingly. Shaw could only assume it would be less painful to rot away in prison or take a bullet to the chest, than to go through what he had over the last few months. At least if he had been in prison, he would have been able to have visitors. He would have been able to see Alexis and Martha. He might even have been able to visit with Kate. She could understand how lost he must feel. Everything in his entire life had been ripped away from him, and he couldn't do anything about it. He hadn't gotten to make any choices for himself. Instead, every choice had been made for him. Kate had decided to break him out because in her mind, it was the right thing to do. She hadn't realized that she was forcing him to live a life full of regret and torment. She hadn't realized that instead of making the situation better she was making it worse.

Shaw gave Castle a few minutes to calm down, and then headed for the front door. Her heart squeezed painfully in her chest as she found him kicking trees and screaming out his anger. Castle stopped his tantrum as he felt her presence and sank down near where he stood, sitting down on a tree stump with his head in his hands.

"You're angry," Shaw breathed as she sat down next to him. "I get that. I…I can't even imagine what it's like, Castle, but you…you have to get through it somehow."

"I didn't want this," Castle spoke as his face scrunched up. "I didn't want any of it."

"I know," Shaw replied, sitting down next to him. She squeezed his shoulder.

He swallowed as his voice broke. "She thought she was helping. But what if all she did was make things worse? What if I'd rather be in a jail cell somewhere, then sitting in the middle of nowhere? What if I'd rather be dead?"

"No," Shaw spoke emphatically. "Don't let those thoughts in, Castle. I have to be able to trust you can take care of yourself. I can't do that when you're saying stuff like that." Shaw took a deep breath. "You have to get through this, Castle. You have to make the most of what you have."

"Why?" Castle asked into the chilly morning air. "What's the point?"

"The point is," Shaw spoke slowly, "That even though they feel like they are a million miles away, you have a mother and daughter who love you, and a whole gang at the 12th who feel the same way." Castle nodded. "Kate might not have realized the sort of consequences that you would suffer from this, but her motives came from the right place. You are innocent Castle. You are innocent and they were going to lock you up and throw away the key. Kate always sees justice done. In this case, her heart and her head led her to take a specific course of action in order to make sure it was done. She loves you."

"Do me a favor and keep an eye on her?" Castle pleaded softly. "Make sure she's sought after." Shaw nodded.

"You should go," Castle said as he looked over to her. "And…have a safe trip, alright?"

"Castle," Shaw sighed painfully. He just shook his head.

"It's Jeremy now, remember?" he breathed, "I might as well get used to the sound of it."

"Castle," Shaw repeated. "If you want to find a way to contact her, I have no doubt you'll find a way to do it." She swallowed. "If I recall correctly, she has a subscription to the Times. I'll tell her to check the classifieds every so often."

"Thanks," Castle spoke. He was surprised as she reached out and pulled him into a tight hug.

"You take care of yourself," she begged of him. "Do it for me, for everyone else who cares about you. And if you're ever in desperate need…call me." Before he could reply she was walking back towards the black jeep that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. He could only assumed that it had been previously parked in a barn out back. He watched her climb inside. She held his eyes and gave him a curt nod before shutting herself inside. Castle listened as the engine roared to life, and started speeding away. Within minutes she was driving on a two-lane highway and into the middle of nowhere, and Castle was left staring after her.

Castle walked back inside the cabin, and sat for a long time in front of the space heater, just staring into a knot in the wood located on the opposite wall. So he had a teaching position in Halifax if he wanted it. Castle shook his head. The notion was too painful, and for some reason his instincts told him to stay as far from Halifax as humanly possible. After staring numbly at various things around the room, for another hour, he finally picked up the gun and slipped it behind his back. He grabbed his bag and a couple of nutrition bars from cupboards in the kitchen. He walked outside to find a sporty looking black imported vehicle outside. Unceremoniously, he tossed his bag into the front seat as he looked around. It was quiet, and he suspected that he was the only one around for miles on end. With a sigh, he bent down and slipped into the front seat. With a slam of the door, he sealed himself inside. A turn of the keys, and the engine roared up. Without a moment's pause, he was shifting into gear. Tires spun over the gravel beneath, until they finally caught and the car lurched forwards. He cranked up the radio and sped out down the narrow dirt road towards the highway. He wove in and out of woods for a good half an hour before he even saw a paved road. His GPS was set to have him head East, naturally, he shut off the GPS and sped off in the opposite direction, refusing to look in the rearview mirror as he symbolically left everything and everyone behind him.

He drove, for hours on end. One blended into another as he drove across what he considered to be the desolate landscape of Canada. He headed northwest for a great amount of time following obscure highway signs. He didn't know where he was headed and he didn't care. He figured he would drive until he ran out of road. At some point over the course of the second day, he decided that he might as well head for British Columbia. He'd always thought that the landscape from pictures of British Columbia was beautiful.

When he finally reached Vancouver, he blundered around for a few days before he set to work actually finding a job. For nearly a week he refused to consider the possibility of teaching, until he realized that maybe…just maybe he would be good at it. It gave him a chance to have a positive effect. It gave him the chance to instill the same passion for writing in one of his students that his college literature professor had given him. So he faked it, using fake credentials to get an interview at a local university. It couldn't have gone better. They'd practically offered him the job on the spot, and he couldn't say no. There was still a possibility that he could write works of fiction on the side in order to fulfill his own needs of self-gratification. Writing was his life and he figured that he wouldn't be able to cut it out of his routine.

More days flew by as he gathered together enough material to get him through the semester. The rest of his time was used in order to find a place of residence. He'd come across the house that he would eventually purchase, purely by chance. Late one afternoon he'd impulsively gone on a long drive out of the city and had been enchanted by the mountainous landscape, and the large river that ran nearby. The price for the land and the house was unbeatable. He bought it with plans to renovate. As alone as he felt, he trudged on, convinced that eventually someday he would get his life back. One day he would know who it was he was living for...because right now he wasn't so sure he was living for himself. He might have already swallowed his gun if he had simply been living for himself.

Nearly a year later, and a country away, Kate was struggling to carry on with her own life as well. She spent nearly every waking moment working on Castle's case. Thanks to Will, she'd managed to get a hold of all of the crime scene photos and hard evidence. However, the more she delved into the case the more she realized how truly impossible it would be to solve the case and clear Castle's name. She still beat herself up over the fact that she never called Rick back that night. Shaw gave her a number to call, but she suspected that he dumped the cell phone because it always cut to some automated voicemail. Shaw had also used some contacts of her own to track Rick down without success. His absence in her life ate away at her in every sense of the word. She spent her nights with Martha and Alexis, trying to fill the void in their lives that Castle left. She always tried to put on a positive face, to be strong for the three of them, but as days passed on it became harder and harder to do. What killed her even more was that she did not know where he was or how he was doing. She waited for something to appear in the New York Times, and day after day received nothing. Not a single word.

While Kate was working late on a case one afternoon at the twelfth precinct, Shaw came to visit. Kate had tried working for the bureau for a few months, but realized it was just as hard to handle things there, as it was to handle them for the NYPD. By the time she let the large array of emotions get to her, she knew that needed Esposito and Ryan to have her back, and to help her get through the emotional struggles that came with losing a good friend. In the few months she worked for the bureau they had her traveling off to obscure locations all over the country. All she wanted now was some permanence.

Kate let out a sigh and looked up as Jordan dropped a folder onto the edge of Kate's desk.

"Hey," Kate greeted softly. "I didn't know you were in town."

"Good afternoon," Shaw greeted as she sat down, "Sorry to drop in on you so unexpectedly, the truth is, I didn't know I was going to be in town until late last night." Shaw confessed. "Otherwise I would have given you a heads up. But while I'm here, I thought the least I could do is stop by."

"I'm glad you did," Kate offered her a small smile. "It's always good to see you. How have you been?"

"Good," Shaw replied. She leant forwards as she held Kate's undivided attention. "Work has been keeping me busy."

"I bet," Kate could sympathize. Her eyes darted over towards the pile of unsolved cases on her desk. She felt like some of them would never get closed. "Things have been crazy here too."

"I hope you've been taking good care of yourself," Jordan prompted, observing the shadows under Kate's eyes. It was obvious that the woman was probably working herself into the ground.

"Ryan and Esposito have been taking good care of me," Kate replied.

"Good," Shaw nodded. She was grateful someone was looking out for Kate. Kate finally reached out for the folder Shaw had set down.

"What's this?" Kate asked as he pulled it across the desk.

"Something I thought you might be interested in," Shaw replied. "There's also something I thought you should know. And I figured you might want to hear the news from me in person."

"Hear what?" Shaw could hear the anxiousness in Kate's voice, and knew immediately Kate assumed the worst.

"I found him, Kate," Shaw laughed. It was a deep throaty laugh. "And if I had used half of my brain I would have realized where he was a long time ago. I should have realized he would do the exact opposite of what I suggested."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Kate's brow furrowed.

"Well, umm…before I left, I told Castle that Avery and I had a job set up for him in Halifax, Nova Scotia," Shaw explained. "You want to guess where he wound up?"

"I don't know," Kate's jaw tightened, "Toronto?"

"Guess again," Shaw spoke softly her expression still amused.

"I have no idea," Kate threw up her hands.

"The boy drove his ass all the way to British Columbia," Shaw said in pure annoyance.

"You're kidding," Kate swallowed; her heart was suddenly threatening to beat its way out of her chest.

"Nope," Shaw pushed the folder towards Kate. "I've got financial records, and a whole lot more. I've even got an address." Kate eagerly opened the envelope and her eyes started racing over the pages, trying to make sense of the sort of life Castle made for himself. She flipped through page after page of information. When she finally reached the end she looked up.

"I thought you said that you had an address," Kate remarked as she met Shaw's inquisitive eyes.

"I did," Shaw replied, "However, at any point during this conversation did I ever say that I was going to give it to you?"

"Why not?" Kate sounded slightly upset.

"Because I know that if I did, you'd be on the first plane out of here," Shaw answered, "And whether you feel the eyes on you or not, they're still watching you Kate."

"You want to know what I think about that?" Kate asked angrily, her eyes flashing, "The fact is, that I don't care about that anymore! It's been a year, Jordan. I think it's about damn time we smoke out the real killers because it's obvious that our other method isn't working. Whoever worked this murder had someone working on the inside. They purposely buried half of the crime scene photos. You can tell because there's a time stamp on all of them. Minutes are missing. Taking pictures of a crime scene doesn't take six hours." Kate held Shaw's gaze. "So let them watch me… I'll lead them right to him, and then I'll whirl around and put a round into them for ripping my life apart the way they did just to cover up their own damn agenda."

"Kate," Shaw shook her head. "You can't do that. Look, you know that's not how it works. Leading them to him could just wind up getting him killed this time. Ever since he went off of the radar, he became just another loose end to tie up. A target for a hit and nothing more."

"You want to try and stop me?" Kate challenged as she pushed her chair back and stood. "Then go ahead and try if you want, but I'm done waiting. I need to see him." Shaw watched as Kate grabbed her coat.

"Then let me help," Shaw requested softly. She paused as her phone started going off. Kate watched as she pulled it from her pocket, and answered the call.

"Shaw," she answered curtly. Kate watched and listened as Shaw's presence was requested at a crime scene across town. "Alright, I'll be there in 20. Yeah. Thanks, Avery." Kate swallowed as she flipped her phone closed and slipped it back into her pocket. She looked at Kate directly, her expression already apologetic.

"I'm sorry," she apologized sincerely. "Duty calls." Kate opened up her arms, giving Shaw a quick hug goodbye before the women departed.

"It's okay," Kate nodded. "I have some stuff to take care of anyways." As soon as Shaw departed, Kate straightened the files on her desk, packed them into an attaché case and headed for her boss' office. By the time she reached the door of her Captain's office, she felt anxious and sick to her stomach. She knocked on the door as she entered, struggling to keep her breathing even as Victoria Gates looked up from some paperwork he was working on.

"Detective Beckett," she greeted as his eyes met hers.

"Hello, Sir," Kate greeted softly in return, "You have a minute?"

"Of course," Captain Gates, who was Montgomery's replacement replied. She nodded gratefully, before turning around and shutting the door behind her, sealing the two of them inside. Melissa figured it was personal when she shut the door behind her. There were only two things that this conversation could be about. She watched as Kate walked back to the chair across from her and sat down in it. She leaned forwards slightly.

"So what can I do for you?" Captain Gates asked, feeling slightly on edge.

"I uh…. I need to take some time off," Kate swallowed, "I know that I have some vacation time saved up."

"How long?" Gates asked with a furrowed brow. She didn't like the notion of being without her best detective for an extended period of time, while at the same time she realized that Kate had lost herself over the course of the last year. One thing after another seemed to drag her down, and she knew that Kate needed to do some soul searching to get back to the same detective that inspired an entire book series.

"I was thinking a week," she hedged, "maybe more."

"What do you need a whole week off for?" she asked as she refused to let Kate leave so easily.

"Nothing," Kate lied, "I could just use a break." She swallowed nervously, fidgeting as she broke eye contact. "I was thinking it might be nice to get out of the city for a while."

"Kate," Gates stated simply. "You forget. I know you better than that." She gave Kate a stare down as she spoke. "So how about you tell me why you suddenly decide you need to take an entire week off."

"Captain," she sighed, "Something kind of came up."

"Something?" Victoria pressed, "Or someone."

"Boss. Please," Kate requested. She could feel her captain's eyes analyzing everything about her. She could only assume that her posture appeared forthright and intimidating.

"Alright, a week seems fair,"her Captain finally conceded. Kate nodded gratefully. "But you had better keep yourself out of trouble, wherever your travels may take you."

"Thank you, ma'am...err sir," she said as she walked for the door.

"Hey, Kate?" Kate turned around with her hand on the door. "You be careful. You hear me?"

"Clear as the light of day. Thanks, Captain!" Kate replied before slipping out the door. She stopped at her coworker's desks, jotting down a quick note before she subsequently slipped into the elevator and headed to her apartment. When she reached into her pocket for her keys, her brows furrowed as they encountered a piece of paper she hadn't remembered placing there. She pulled it out and unfolded the crinkled paper. Her stomach dropped as she realized what it was. On the piece of paper was Castle's new address. A smile slipped onto her lips at the thought that she could be in Castle's arms in less than 24 hours.

Within 24 hours, she was landing on a runway in an airport in the heart of Vancouver. It was late summer and so the weather was fairly mild. The surrounding mountains, and the ocean in the distance were beautiful. As soon as she landed at the airport, she grabbed her bag and headed for the University where Castle, now known as Jeremy Halloway, was a literature professor. She could feel the butterflies swarming in her stomach as she walked across the scenic campus. She navigated her way through, using an information pamphlet she obtained from the student services building. She finally found the Writing and Literature building late in the afternoon and stepped inside. She felt severely out of place. She could feel eyes following her wherever she went. She expected many of the college boys found her attractive. This made her feel very self-conscious. She was trying to blend in, and failing miserably. She stopped at his office first. A schedule on his door told her that he was currently in a lecture relating to Modern literature and how it has utilized writing styles previously explored over the course of history. It sounded interesting.

The real butterflies started as she stood outside the lecture hall. She was torn between going inside or waiting for the class to end. Finally, her need to see him overtook all of her reservations and she was slipping inside. Hearing his voice again was like tasting the sweetest sugar imaginable. It sounded like smooth velvet and melted her insides. He was lecturing with the same sort of passion she would have expected from someone who genuinely loved writing and was entranced by it. She sat down in the back and just listened for an hour, perhaps longer. Time was lost on her as she just let her eyes feast on him. She frowned as she realized he looked a lot thinner than she remembered. He was handsome in many ways. His hair had grown out again, and occasionally fell over his eyes and obscured her vision of his face. Towards the end of class, he opened up the topic for questions. Kate felt horrified as the person next to her raised their hand. She tried to sink herself as far into her seat as possible. But after Castle noticed the hand and directed his eyes onto the individual next to her, he also saw her, and the floor seemed to fall out from beneath the two of them. She listened as Castle struggled to give a thoughtful reply, while his eyes held with Kate's. After a long moment, he finally tore his eyes away. She listened to him clear his throat before focusing his attention on the other half of the room. He went out of his way to avoid looking in her general direction. He managed to wrap up the class in another 10 minutes or so. Kate stayed seated as several students approached him and asked him questions related to an upcoming term paper that was due. She watched him interact with them. He was good with kids. He always had been. She closed her eyes as she let herself feel her love for him for the first time in a long time. She let out a deep breath and stood up, smoothing out the fabric of her pants as she walked down the steps towards the front of the lecture hall. She stood behind him, watching as he organized his papers, and put them into a briefcase. She could see him struggling to keep himself from looking at her, and could only assume that he had built up a lot of walls over the course of the last year. Kate cleared her throat.

"So… are you going to say hello, or are you just going to pretend like I don't exist?" Kate asked softly. She listened as Castle let out a deep sigh. He squeezed his eyes shut for a long moment as he tried to muster up enough strength and courage to turn around. Finally, after gripping the table in front of him for a short moment as a means of support, he turned around to face her. The look on his face was unreadable as he finally looked at her for the first time in over a year. His shoulders were squared tight, and she could see that he was still grappling with the reality that she was standing five feet away from him.

Kate was just as beautiful as he remembered, perhaps even more so. She took his breath away. The way her hair fell so perfectly on her shoulders, and the way her eyes sparkled, even in the dim light, had his heart racing. The truth is, he had given up on the possibility that this moment would come. Kate was trying to discern whether he had given up on the possibility that he would ever see her again, or if he didn't believe she was actually there. She was still trying to figure out which of the two it was when Castle spoke.

"I'm sorry. I…I didn't mean to be rude. It's just that I…I was just trying to think of what to say. The truth is that I…I never expected to see you again," he said softly as he turned around to pick up his bag. She watched as he picked it up and slipped the black messenger bag over his shoulder.

"So you've given up on me already?" Kate asked sadly, feeling wounded. "Oh wait…that's right. You never even gave me a chance, did you?" she bit out as she let herself feel angry.

"What are you talking about?" Castle's brow furrowed as he turned around.

"The paper," Kate's voice cracked as she tried to keep her expression impassive. "You couldn't write me one message. One?"

"I thought about it," Castle swallowed. To Kate he looked like he was sick. He was a lot thinner than he remembered, and she silently wondered if he'd been feeding himself adequately. "But whenever I thought about writing a message I couldn't…I couldn't think of what to say." He shook his head. "I figured it would be better if I didn't." Kate's jaw clenched and her fists followed at her sides.

"You're angry," Rick stated lamely as he stared at her. He wasn't sure what to say. He didn't know why she was so angry. He assumed that Kate would have moved on from him a long time ago.

"Can you blame me, Rick? You made it all but impossible for me to find you. It took Shaw nearly half a year…"

"Don't use that name," he hushed her quickly. "Not here."

"Which one, Rick?" Kate challenged feeling more anger at the denial of his true name, "Because you are Richard Alexander Rodgers. That is your name and that is who you are."

"No it isn't," Castle replied shortly, his face scrunching up with frustration and repressed emotions. "Not anymore."

"I'm not calling you Jeremy," Kate hissed. "I refuse."

"Kate, stop it." Castle's voice carried a rough edge to it. It was defensive and aggressive at the same time.

"Why?" Kate challenged, "Do you mean to tell me that you've forced yourself to forget who you really are?"

"Can you blame me?" his voice nearly boomed. "It's not exactly like I had a choice, is it?" He took a step forwards and tried to move around her. She would have nothing of it and blocked his way.

"Please," Kate whispered softly. "Don't shut me out like this."

"I'm not," Castle argued, though he knew she was right. "Look, you should just go, Kate. It's not safe here. If you found me then they could too… You should go back to the city."

"I'm not going anywhere," Kate said harshly. "I took time off, Castle, and I flew across the entire continent just so that I could see you." Castle let out a ragged breath.

"I wish you would just go." All he could think about was going through the pain of losing her all over again whenever it was she decided to leave.

"Castle, what is wrong with you? Why are you so cold? Why are you so bitter?" Kate asked sadly reaching out to touch him. He tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let him do it. Castle opened his mouth to reply, but swallowed his words before he said anything.

"What gives you a right to be any angrier than I am? The fact is, I'm angry at the world too. God knows I've been angry with everyone…at everything since it happened. But I'm here…and at least I'm trying to make it better."

"Please," Castle begged as he tried to pull away again. She could see him fighting tears that were building his eyes just like she was fighting those that were building in her own eyes.

"I love you," she said emphatically as she held his face in her hands. "Tell me you haven't stopped loving me."

"Of course not," Castle breathed. "How could you possibly think that I would…?" She cut him off with a kiss. She tugged on his tie, crashing her lips against his. She moaned into the kiss as he instinctively pulled her closer. She wanted more. She never wanted to stop kissing him, touching him, but he pulled away.

"Kate, we…we can't do this here," he breathed quietly. "There's a new class coming in here in five minutes."

"Then take me somewhere else," Kate ordered softly as she stared into his baby blues.

"Kate," Castle's voice was apologetic. "I can't…" He shook his head. "I…I'm sorry. I just can't." He tried to push past her for a second time but she would have none of it.

"No," she spoke angrily. "You don't get to do that. You don't get to push me away. Tell me. What is it that you're so afraid of?"

"You…" Castle said a little more forcefully than he intended. "I can't do this, Kate. Not when I know that you're just going to leave in a few days and go back to your own little world while I'm stuck here." He squeezed his eyes shut as he expelled a shaky breath.

"Do you think that notion is any easier for me to grasp?" the weight of emotion in Kate's voice had him freezing. "Please, Castle. I…need you. I…I've missed you so much that it literally feels like it is killing me. I…I've been doing all I can just to function, but I can't…." Tears slipped down her cheeks. "I love you. Just because we've been ripped apart doesn't mean I've stopped for one single moment." She fought back tears as she spoke the last part. "I…I need to know if you're still with me. Otherwise, you're right and I should just go." Castle took a deep breath, before ultimately pulling her into a tight embrace.

"Kate," Castle reached out for her, his hands gently framing her face. "Just give me some time. I…I have a lot of demons to battle." He swallowed, his voice thick with his own swell of emotions, "You know I love you. I want to be with you. I…I'm just afraid of letting you in too much."

"I understand exactly how you feel," Kate assured him. "But wouldn't you rather feel something? Even if it's just for a little while?"

"You don't understand," Castle shook his head, "How close I came to giving up, Kate. I'm not sure I can live through the loss a second time." This time Kate couldn't hold back the tears. Castle let out a deep breath as he leant forwards, brushing his forehead against hers. They stood like that for a long moment. Kate closed her eyes as he kissed her gently on the forehead and then pulled her into his strong, comforting, warm arms. "I thought that maybe the pain would ebb a little with time, you know?" Castle confessed finally, "That one day I would wake up and I wouldn't feel so empty inside…that I wouldn't feel like a knife was permanently lodged in my chest." He swallowed. "I still don't understand why this happened to me. It took me a long time to accept that maybe I never will."

She nestled her face in the crook of his neck as he kissed the top of her head and breathed her in. "What I can't accept is waking up every morning, and not having you there. You, or Alexis, or Martha. I can't…I can't stop wondering where you are…how you're doing. It eats me alive. And no one… no one has a clue. They look at me and see only what they want to see…" Kate felt her own heart ache. There were times she wondered if she'd really done him a favor, breaking him out the way she had. They stood like that for a long time, just breathing each other in before the noise of the door opening had them breaking apart.

"Come on," Castle spoke quietly, tugging on Kate's hand. "Let's go somewhere a little more private." Kate nodded. They walked out to the parking lot, fingers and hands intertwined. Kate felt her heart race as he walked over to the passenger side of his car and opened the door for her. She slipped inside and he shut the door behind her. He walked around and slipped back inside. Together, they made the short trip north out of the city. Kate's heart remained pounding in her chest all the while as she watched the beautiful landscape pass by. Every so often their eyes would find eachother, but neither could hold the other's gaze for very long. They both felt the tension that had always existed between them was still there, even after all their time apart. It was something that transcended time and space. It was love.

"It's beautiful here," Kate, remarked finally, as she watched the sun flicker through the loose canopy of the trees.

"It is," Castle commented quietly. Kate's eyes flickered from the window to Castle's face. His expression was still just as unreadable and guarded as before, but his eyes spoke volumes. He hadn't given up on her. Not yet. And there was a good chance that he was afraid of that fact. His jaw was clenched tight, and she could see the muscles twitch in his temple. His hands tightened the grip on the steering wheel. "So," he breathed finally, taking his eyes off the road for a brief second, "You never mentioned… How did you find me?"

"Shaw," Kate replied simply. "She's been looking for you for months." Castle didn't say a word as he drove and continued to stare straight ahead. "Why did you do it?" Kate asked finally. "Why go so far away?"

"I can't really explain it," he admitted, "It was more instinctual than anything else. I…I just felt like I needed to put as much distance between myself and New York City as possible."

"Because you wanted the separation," Kate said softly. "You thought that putting more physical distance would help you put as much emotional distance between you and everyone as well."

"Kate," Castle breathed, as he made a turn onto a two-lane country road. "Please." He took a deep breath. "Yes, I thought it might help. The fact is, I wanted a say in what my life became."

"Did it work?" Kate asked, her voice thick with emotion.

"In some ways, yes," Castle replied. "In others, no."

"How so?"

"The drive took me a long time, Kate," he sighed. "It…uh… It gave me a long time to think about what I wanted, and what I was ready for. At first, I refused to contemplate the idea of taking a teaching position, but by the time I arrived here, I had everything figured out. I knew exactly what I wanted." He glanced towards her.

"Did it lessen the pain, to know you were so far away?" Kate asked.

"No," Castle replied honestly as he turned onto a secluded road. "In that respect, I've only caused myself more pain."

"Have you been with anyone?" Kate asked the question that had been burning in the back of her mind for months. She tried to keep her feelings out of it, but her voice still quavered.

"Have you?" Castle asked, looking over to examine her expression. Kate studied the look in his eyes as she tried to figure out the truth. Her breath hitched in her throat as she saw him, seemingly for the first time since she'd shown up. He was letting her in. His eyes were warm as he added.

"You know, I wouldn't hold it against you if you had," he promised.

"Neither would I," Kate replied. Silence built between them for a long moment.

"The answer is no," Castle replied as he held her eyes. "But I would have hoped you knew that already. I meant it when I said that I loved you."

"It's not that I didn't think you couldn't wait for me it's just…" Kate cut herself off, deciding not to make excuses. The fact is, her own insecurities had made her second guess whether they were strong enough to transcend all of the obstacles in their way. It wasn't his love. That fact was unquestionable. It just felt like they were both so far apart. In a moment of weakness he could have let himself be with someone else. "I'm sorry," Kate whispered. "It wasn't fair of me to ask you that. You're right."

"Kate," Castle sighed. "God knows I've been lonely. But I've been trying to keep myself busy, and not think so much about the other things that are missing," Castle confessed. Kate's eyes became transfixed on the space in front of her as they broke through the trees, and into a large clearing. Castle swallowed. "What about you?"

"No. I couldn't even think about the possibility of someone else," Kate shook her head. "Even after all this time, my feelings for you are still as strong as they were the day I left you at the docks." Kate breathed. "You know, I…I owe you an apology."

"Kate," Castle's voice was soft as he forced his eyes away. He was hoping to deter her from what he knew was coming next. "You don't owe me anything… If anything, I owe you an apology. The way I've been acting…"

"No," Kate's voice was strong as she spoke. "I need to say this, Castle. So you can either shut up and let me do it now, or you'll be hearing it all weekend." Castle bit down on his tongue.

"I know you understand why I did what I did that night," Kate spoke slowly, "But what I did to you was unfair. I took away your choice. Somehow, I convinced myself that it was what you would have wanted. But it wasn't what you wanted, was it?"

"It's not that," Castle shook his head.

"Castle," Kate sighed, pleading with him for honesty.

"Yes," Castle replied. "You're right, okay?" He looked at her. "For a while…I…I resented you. I resented you for doing what you did." Kate saw the agony in his expression. "But then I realized I wasn't angry at you. I was angry about all of it." His voice broke as he spoke the last part. "The fact is, I can't have a conversation with my own daughter. My daughter." Kate felt her heart squeeze painfully in her own chest as she watched tears work their way down Castle's cheeks. Without thought, Kate reached across and squeezed his knee. Seemingly receiving the message, Castle offered Kate his right hand, and she held it.

"I'm so sorry," Kate spoke sincerely. "I can't imagine how awful it must be." Castle nodded, not trusting his voice to say words aloud.

"She's all right, you know," Kate breathed. "You would be so proud of her. She misses you, but she has lots of good memories that will keep her holding on until you come back."

"We both know that's not going to happen any time soon," Castle said bitterly.

"How do you figure that?" Kate challenged.

"Because if you had solved my father's case you would have shown up with a smile on your face," Castle replied thoughtfully. "Instead, you look as angry and upset as I am."

"Castle," Kate shook her head. "It's…a mess. They tampered with the evidence. I've tried so hard to clear you but I can't…"

"Don't," Castle's voice cut her off. "Let's not talk about that, okay?" Kate swallowed the next words and nodded, not wanting to cause him any more pain. Perhaps, they could pretend that there was some hope of returning to normalcy. Maybe if they did that then they could make the most of their time together, instead of merely feeling pain.

Kate's jaw fell open as she saw the house. It was completely unlike anything that she had previously imagined.

"Is this where you've been living?" Kate asked, her eyes hungrily drinking in everything around them. The house was gorgeous, but the landscape itself had her gasping aloud.

"Yeah," Castle replied, as he pulled up to a stop outside the house. "That it is. Home sweet home." He swallowed as he allowed himself to look at Kate's expression. "Just finished renovating it last month actually. He jumped a little as she opened the car door and stepped outside, the sun warm on her face.

"Castle," she smiled, "This place is amazing." Then. "All this land is yours?"

"Yeah," Castle swallowed, "I got a great deal on the land." Kate twirled around, her eyes drinking in the flowers, trees, and nearby mountains in the distance.

"Would you like to go inside?" Castle inquired.

"Sure," Kate replied, stealing one last panoramic view of the landscape. She scarcely dared to breath as Castle gently took her hand and led her inside. The decorating inside was just as beautiful as the outside.

Only, she quickly noticed that it looked as if no one lived there. All the paintings and pictures hung on the walls were elegant but simplistic.

"You want a tour?" Castle asked as he turned around. He was surprised when Kate reached out to grab his jacket.

"Depends," Kate breathed, "Where do you plan on taking me?" Kate's stomach chose that moment to growl loudly. Kate nearly laughed as Castle's eyes darted to her stomach.

"Was that your..?" he laughed it off himself as he took the signal to be loud and clear. "You know what? How about we start with the kitchen." He smiled, "I'll make you something to eat." His eyes were soft as he stepped forwards. "Does that sound good?"

"So long as it isn't a smorlett, that sounds great," Kate smiled as she let him take her hand. If she had her way, she wouldn't stop touching him the entire time she was with him. He led her into a spacious, modern kitchen with granite counter tops and light marble tiled flooring. She laughed as he lifted her and set her on the counter.

"So what would you like to eat?" Castle asked softly.

"Well," Kate breathed huskily, "You look awfully delicious, but somehow I have a feeling you're not on the menu. Castle's heart raced as he stepped forwards, gently brushing the hair from Kate's eyes.

"Who are you and what have you done with the real Kate Beckett?" Castle teased as she tried to kiss him and he pulled back. Kate let out a small growl as she reached out and tugged forcefully on his shirt. Castle tried not to moan into the kiss as Kate's tongue forced her way inside. Before he could stop himself, Castle's hands were in Kate's hair, and he was battling her for control. Kate gasped as lips kissed their way down her jawline and her neck towards the skin peaking out from beneath her collar.

"Rick," Kate's gasp had him freezing. Her hands quickly darted out to hold him close, where she wanted him. Their eyes met and Kate saw an apologetic look in them.

"Kate," Castle breathed, brushing his forehead against her. "You have to know. I might seem bitter. I might seem distant, and lonely. But I love you. I love you and I want you to know that it has been and will always be the only constant thing in my life. You, Martha, and Alexis. I will love you all until the day I die."

"I love you too," Kate declared, capturing his lips.

"You want to forego dinner and see the bedroom?" Castle breathed into the next kiss. Kate couldn't hold back a moan as his lips ghosted along her jawline, headed towards the small hollow behind her ear.

"Yes," she gasped, reaching for the fabric of his shirt. "You can make me dinner later." With a yelp he lifted her from the counter, and carried her towards the bedroom. She laughed and giggled most of the way, her body cradled tightly against his. The way she touched him, buried her face into his neck, made his heart melt. He had waited so long for this moment. As he dropped her onto the bed, she let out another mild shriek. She straddled him, unbuttoning her shirt. She let him watch, as she teasingly ran her finger around each button before finally, slipping it through the notch. He was completely entranced by her and the way her hair fell so perfectly around her shoulders. He couldn't breath as he watched the perfect flawless skin of Kate's chest and stomach be exposed to him inch by inch. Finally, she finished with the last button. She gasped as hands reached up and gently pushed the fabric off of her shoulder. He ran his fingers along the protrusion of her collarbone. Everywhere he touched, her skin burned. She closed her eyes as a hand suddenly slipped behind her neck and he pulled her down into a long passionate kiss, that left her grinding hungrily against him. This time they moaned together.

"You're so beautiful," Castle breathed aloud. "All this for me. I can hardly believe this is happening. It feels like a dream."

"I know what you mean," Kate panted as she practically ripped open Castle's shirt. She'd waited long enough. The longing and yearning she'd experienced for the man beneath her had lasted torturously long. "I can't tell you how many times I opened my eyes, thinking you would be next to me. Only to find cold sheets."

"Y-You dreamt about me?" Castle sounded surprised as well as turned on by the thought. A shiver rocketed up his spine as she husked into his ear.

"You have no idea," she moaned as his hands, gripped her hips possessively. "Let me show you exactly what I've dreamt about." Castle moaned again as Kate's hips undulated on top of him, rubbing up against him through his pants.

"You have no idea how long I've waited for this moment," she breathed.

"Not nearly as long as I have," Castle replied, his hands running hungrily over her flesh.

"Is that so?" Kate challenged.

"Mmhmm," Castle punctuated with a kiss.

"When?" Kate breathed. "When did you know?"

"Before Shaw, before any of it," Castle replied. He moaned as Kate rewarded him with a fresh array of kisses.

"You were smarter than I was," Kate admitted. "If I had been smart enough to realize what I had in front of me the whole time. We would have been together a long time ago."

"Kate," Castle pleaded softly. She kissed him running her hands over his body, his chest, his stomach, abdomen, then lower. "I'm yours. Fulfill any fantasy you want. Just…do it soon."

In another breath, Kate's fingers were eagerly reaching up to unbutton her own pants. He groaned at the loss as she pushed herself off of him so that she could strip the rest of the way for him. She was surprised when his eyes locked and didn't leave hers, the entire time she slowly slid her denim jeans down her thighs. Her underwear followed behind. Only then did Castle break eye contact to steal a look. The moan of want escaping his lips had her burning for him. With a predatory look in her eyes she crawled up his bed. She let her body brush his along the way, letting out moans of her own. She took his lips in a possessive, demanding, and somewhat aggressive kiss.

"I'm going to make it up to you," Kate promised. "I'm going to make sure that you know you are loved, because you are. Very much so. I promise I will try to make every moment you spent alone worth it, while I'm here, Castle. You have my heart. You are my love and my life." Castle kissed her back, fervently, touched by her words and the sincerity in them. He gazed deep into her green eyes that remind him of the sea.

A fresh wave of moisture was pooling between her own legs as she felt him respond to her through the fabric. Castle squeezed his eyes shut as her hands darted for the button of his pants located between them. She unclasped the button then pushed up with her knees as she tugged the fabric down, with it came the boxers. Her body flushed a deep red as she became hungry for him. She wanted to feel every inch of him.

"Kate," she was surprised at the breathlessness in his voice. A coy smile slipped onto her lips as she took the plunge, fulfilling her earlier promise to make Castle feel well loved.

So that's it for now! I thought I wouldn't get too graphic with the love scene since I only rated this story T. I'm done with classes next week so I'm hoping I'll have a lot more time to write then. You guys are probably wondering why Kate went to see Castle without taking Alexis or Martha. I promise that I'll get around to that in the next chapter. It's all part of the plan. Anyhow... Please read and review! I'd really like to know how many people are still with me, and are still interested in this story! Thanks again for reading! Respectfully yours, Greygirl03.