A/N: Hey guys! I'm happy to say that I have finally finished school for the semester and now am regaining some of my time back. Work and life are still kind of crazy right now, but I managed to take enough time in the past couple days to write this update. I have to say that I really liked how it turned out. There's a lot of angst in it, but there's some fluff as well. Anyhow, I want to thank those who have stuck with me through the story so far. I hope to make more frequent updates to it now that my schedule has lightened a little bit. Anyhow I hope that you really really enjoy this chapter! Please let me know what you think about it! Cheers!
Title: Ask Me How Much I Love You
Chapter: Here it Goes...
Spoilers: A play on spoilers from Anatomy of a Murder. Kate tells Castle that she would break him out of prison. Castle sees this as a sign of Love.
Rating: T (just to be on the safe side)
Disclaimer: Sadly the amazing show that is Castle does not belong to me, nor does Natan Fillion (as amazing as he his)!
Castle woke up to a streak of light falling across his pillow. He was surprised that he had even fallen asleep to begin with. He hadn't felt particularly tired, but his previous activities had worn him out somewhat. Perhaps he had drifted off so easily because he was so incredibly relaxed. Everything just felt so right as he held Kate in his arms. He couldn't help but feel at peace he was with Kate in his arms. For once, he didn't fall into sleep feeling as if he were completely alone. For once, he felt content, happy, and elated as he slipped into a peaceful sleep. Over the course of the last year insomnia had been one of his biggest problems, and cruelest tormentors. He often found it impossible to turn off his thoughts at night when he lay in bed by himself. It was always so quiet, but it was a deafening silence that made him feel incredibly alone. He would often toss and turn for hours, cursing his own thoughts as they frequently flocked back to dwell on his past. Without meaning to, his mind would replay what he considered to be emotionally significant events over and over in his mind. In particular, he would analyze conversations he had with Kate, Alexis, and Martha. In addition to that he often rethought every choice he had made over the course of the last few years. He would analyze things he had said and things he had done down to every minute detail. And more than anything, he was left wishing that he could change them. His solution to this problem had been to keep himself so busy, to make himself so exhausted that he simply just crashed when he made it home. In order to do this, he would stay up for days at a time, busy himself with reading, writing, and prepping himself for his classes.
Castle took a deep breath as his body slowly began to wake and adjust to consciousness. He took another greedy breath as the most luscious smell met his nose. It was sweet, delicate, a cross between Cherry and Vanilla. In addition to the smell, he also felt the comforting warmth of a body pressed up against his side. He no longer felt cold as he was used to when he woke up to an empty bed every morning, but rather, his body felt warm and comfortable. It could easily be said that both of their bodies had a healthy flush to them. He swore that Kate had melted his heart over the course of their passionate lovemaking, and she'd done it from the inside out, with her words and her gentle but passion filled touches. Castle took another deep breath, letting it out slowly. His eyes flickered open, and for a moment, he laid completely still. He shifted slightly, feeling the sleeping brunette shift slightly before settling back into his side. Her head lay on his chest, while her arm draped lazily around his middle. For another long moment, he savored the smell and the feel of her body. She fit against him so perfectly. She moaned lightly in her sleep as he began to run his fingers through her hair. She was so beautiful that there were still times he found it hard to breathe in her presence. Part of him wondered how he had gotten so lucky as to deserve her.
He'd been in love with Kate for as long as he could remember, perhaps even from day one. The fact that she had rejected him and shot him down initially, only made him want her all the more. But it was about so much more than that. Castle truly meant it when he calls her extraordinary. You would be hard pressed to find someone who consistently lived their life with a similar level of passion, determination, and a high regard for the value of life as Kate Beckett always did. She was strong, confident, and never afraid to stand up for what she knew to be right. And most importantly, Kate was able to do something no one else could do; she kept Rick Castle in line (most of the time). Over the course of their partnership they had grown to know eachother quite well. Sharing so many near death experiences, as well as the emotions that come with the job, had caused them to lean on eachother for support and develop the deep level of trust that is necessary in a committed relationship. They'd always given eachother little pieces. It was often little bits of information, quirks that they kept hidden, and whether it was admitting to guilty pleasures, such as Kate's addiction to Temptation Lake episodes, or Castle's affinity for insanely old scotch, they both were happy to know more about the other. In some ways it was like putting a puzzle together. They saw the overall picture being formed, but didn't have all of the pieces yet. As time went by they'd fill in more of their perception of the other piece by piece, never feeling too surprised when they fit together. They were just happy to be one step closer to knowing eachother so completely.
Castle closed his eyes again, hoping that he could fall asleep once more, but he soon realized he wouldn't be able to fall back into sleep. His heart ached as he thought about how things might be different if he had just listened to Kate and headed her warnings when she told him to tread cautiously. From day one, she had always been supportive of Castle and his desire to get to know his father, while at the same time she remained cautious about the whole thing. If only he had listened… If only…he might have had a family. He might have been able to love Kate in the way she deserved, and offer her stable support. Castle let out another sigh as his eyes opened.
With great care, Castle slid out from beneath who he considered to be one of the most beautiful women in the world. He kissed her softly on the forehead as she settled back into the pillows. Trying not to make a sound, Castle tip-toed across the floor as he walked over to the window to close the blinds. He moved around in the dark, opening the drawers of his dresser before he slipped into some comfortable jeans and a tight white undershirt covered with a navy button up shirt and slipped out of the room. He closed the door behind him and headed towards the kitchen. He chuckled softly under his breath, as he thought how much he had acted like a horny teenager only mere hours before. He'd never been so impatient as to have someone, as he had been to be with Kate.
He decided that he was going to make Kate dinner as he's promised. She deserved to eat some good food, especially after traveling for a whole day; he expected that she must not have had much to eat.
He grabbed some pans from the cupboard, and set them on the stove. He turned around and opened the fridge pulling out some ground meat, and mozzarella cheese. He set these on the island before heading to grab some tomato sauce, and pasta noodles. In one pan he chopped and browned the hamburger, while in another he cooked the pasta. When the meat was cooked thoroughly he strained out the fat and excess grease. To the hamburger, he added the tomato sauce. He warmed and stirred that, while he waited for the pasta to finish cooking. Finally, when the noodles were done he strained them from the water and put them into an oven safe dish. He poured the sauce over the noodles, and then covered it with an abundance of mozzarella cheese. He slipped it into the oven and set the timer. He hoped that Kate was in the mood for baked Ziti. He could remember that Kate often ordered in, but also recalled her favorite foods to be Italian and Chinese.
When Kate woke up to an empty bed, she feared for a brief moment that she had dreamed most of it. Slowly she let out a deep breath, and closed her eyes once more as she trying to discern where she was. A comforting, familiar scent seemed to surround her, and she inhaled it deeply. She shifted, moaning slightly as her body confirmed it hadn't been a dream at all. She was sore in several places, but in such a good way. A flush settled ont her cheeks as her mind jumped back to the place she'd been in emotionally and physically. The memories of it were all so fresh and rich in her mind. She could almost still feel his hands on her even though she knew she was alone. A contented sigh escaped her parted lips as she briefly recalled her earlier activities with Castle. Everything about what had transpired had been so far beyond her expectations. It was perfect. Castle was such an attentive lover, and did a fantastic job of making her feel well loved.
Kate opened her eyes, rolling over. She felt her heart swell as her eyes fell across a few pictures displayed in silver matching frames on Castle's bedside table. Specifically, one of them caught her eye. It was a picture of her, Alexis, and Martha, taken while they were out celebrating Alexis' last birthday. They were all beaming and smiling happily. Kate wondered briefly how Castle had come to acquire the picture, as he had been absent by that point in time. The thought caused her chest to clench painfully. He hadn't been able to take any of his things with him, Kate remembered. What little she had packed for him had been lost in the SUV. She picked up another picture of her and Rick from the night they had attended a fundraiser together. It had been a celebration of the beginning of the Johanna Beckett memorial Scholarship fund, and she was wearing a small red dress that packed quite a punch. Kate smiled as she remembered that night most fondly. Castle had twirled her around the dance floor, holding her close most of the night. She had still been with Josh at that point, but remembered still harboring feelings for Castle at that point in time. Castle looked incredibly happy in the picture, and he had a healthy glow about him. Finally, she reluctantly set the picture back down and went in search of a shirt she could wear. She found her phone on the floor next to where her jeans lay on the floor. With a deep breath she picked it up and flipped it open. She dialed her best friend's number and waited anxiously for her to answer.
Kate tapped her foot impatiently as she walked over to the window and drew back the blinds. She could not get over how amazing the view was. She hummed under her breath.
"Girl, you have some explaining to do," Lanie's voice answered.
"Hello to you too," Kate laughed. Of course, she should have known she'd be in for it.
"I just want to know why you bailed on me last night," Lanie pressed, "If I recall we had an appointment with a bowl of popcorn and a DVR full of episodes of Temptation Lake."
"Lanie," Kate spoke honestly, "I'm so sorry. I promise that I'll make it up to you. Something kind of came up…"
"Mmhmm," Lanie sounded unconvinced.
"Oh come on," Kate laughed softly. "As if you didn't mind having to settle for spending the night with Esposito instead…"
"What? Am I seriously that predictable?" Lanie joked softly.
"Well, let's see," Kate replied cheekily, "You two have been not so secretly dating for over a year, and you have to have Sito pretty whipped by now… So…in this case I would say that you're both easily predictable." Kate laughed as she heard Esposito raise his voice in a, 'Hey, I heard that!' manner.
"So," Lanie decided to get back to interrogating her friend, "You going to tell me what exactly was so important as to call off our girl's night?"
"How about I wait to tell you until when I get back in town," Kate answered cryptically.
"Tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing," Lanie sighed.
"Sorry," Kate muttered again.
"Hey," Lanie's voice was surprisingly soft. "You know that I'm teasing. Kate, I know how long you've waited." Then after a short breath. "How is he?"
"Good. He's…umm... okay," Kate answered carefully, "I'm not going to lie, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be in the beginning."
"How so?" Lanie asked. Kate could detect the concern in her friend's voice.
"I think it's clear that men are not meant to live alone," Kate replied, "Too much time alone can make a man's soul bitter cold."
"I take it he didn't receive your presence very well," Lanie spoke softly.
"Yeah."
"I wish you would've told me what you were up to ahead of time," Lanie spoke, "But I understand why you had to keep it under wraps."
"Thanks for understanding," Kate choked out. "Listen, Lanie, I was hoping that you could do me a favor." A mischievous smile slipped onto her features as she said, "I think it's time Castle saw Martha and Alexis. I was thinking that we can make it happen if they fly into Seattle." She paused.
"Isn't that a little too obvious?" Lanie asked. "Kate, I understand your intentions. And I'm sure that Castle would appreciate it, but it might not be worth the danger." Kate squeezed her eyes shut. "I just think that it would be a little suspicious to anyone watching if all three of you, Alexis, Martha, and yourself, flew out to places within a hundred miles of one another. Don't you think it would be cutting things a little close?" She took a deep breath. "At least if you spaced out the visit you could avoid that particular problem."
"I get your concerns, and all of them are valid and well thought out, but this is important." Kate shook her head. "Castle needs them now more than ever. I'm serious, Lanie. I…I'm worried about him. He needs something good to hold onto. He needs a memory that can't be tarnished by everything else. He…He looks like he hasn't eaten in months."
"Okay," Lanie sighed. "Look, I'll talk to the boys and see what we can do. Maybe we'll fly them into a location a bit further from where you are and you can meet at a halfway point."
"Thanks, Lanie," Kate replied, tears welling gratefully in her eyes. She wanted to give Castle this one thing if she could. She could only hope that they could make it work somehow.
"Anything for you, girl," Lanie replied. "I hope that you know that I will always be on your side. I don't mean to frustrate or discourage you."
"No. It's okay," Kate reassured her. "I know you mean well, Lanie."
"Now you take care, Kate," Lanie replied earnestly, "Have fun. I'll talk to you soon."
"I will," Kate replied softly. "Thanks again. Bye."
Kate peered around the room. She could dress if she really wanted, but a part of her didn't feel any need. Her bag, full of her clothes, was still in the entryway where she left it, so she slipped on a pair of Castle's boxers, and headed downstairs in search of the elusive man.
As her feet hit the bottom of the stairs, the most heavenly of aromas met her nostrils. She closed her eyes, humming under her breath. She couldn't stop thinking about Castle. She felt like a horny teenager that couldn't seem to get enough. Quickly she padded for the kitchen, only to frown when she found it empty. She navigated part of the way through the massive lower floor. She had been correct in her earlier assessment. It looked as if some of these rooms haven't been used in months. Finally, as she started to feel disoriented, she referred to plan B.
"Castle!" she called out into the quiet house, hoping to get some sort of response.
"In here!" a voice called back. She followed it, slipping back out into the hallway. She found him inside of his office, located in the back of his house. Her jaw fell open as her eyes fell upon a custom built library, stuffed to capacity with hundreds of books.
Castle tried to remain focused on his work as he felt a pair of eyes take him in even though he knew it would be impossible. Castle was sitting in a chair, with a pair of glasses on, making notes on an academic review article he was writing. He finally gave into Kate's presence and looked up from his lap to find the sexiest sight imaginable. Kate Beckett was leaning against the doorway, wearing one of his buttons up shirts, a pair of boxers, and nothing else. Her hair looked like he had run his hands through it a hundred times, which only served to remind him of their previous activities. He closed his eyes, imagining himself back in that place of complete surrender. Just the memory of the moans emanating from her open mouth as he made love to her with his hands had him growing aroused. It ignited his burn for her all over again.
She bit down on her lip nervously as she felt him drink her in hungrily. He was the least bit shy as he let his eyes run up her legs, then let himself picture what he knew to be underneath. He no longer had to fantasize, since now he knew. And it was safe to say that the reality was even better than fantasy. Kate was perfect in every respect of the words. She was muscular, fit, but still had curves in all of the right places. She was the most beautiful woman and he loved her.
"Hey," he couldn't stop the boyish smile from overtaking his lips as he locked eyes with her.
"Hey to you too," Kate smiled. "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?"
"Not a chance," Castle gave her his undivided attention. "If anything, you're rescuing me from work."
"How long have you been up?" Kate asked softly as she took a small step into the room.
"A couple of hours," Castle remarked as he checked his watch. "I thought you might be tired because of all of your traveling, so I thought I'd let you sleep a little while I got some work done and made dinner." He patted his lap, indicating for her to come join him. Kate took the hint. Slowly, she sauntered over. She made a show of picking up the papers occupying his lap and dropping them on the table next to his chair, before she took their place. She straddled him, and he moaned into her mouth as she kissed him, hungrily. He closed his eyes as she gently removed his glasses, before slowly running up her hands up his chest and around the back of his neck to dance along his scalp. His hands gripped her hips tightly; he pulled slightly, causing her pelvis to rub against him. She moaned as her body quickly responded. She still wanted more, and could only imagine that she would never be able to get enough of Castle. So just like that, she wanted him again and she was willing to take him right there in his chair. Between kisses, Castle tried to ask her questions.
"You sleep well?" he asked considerately.
"Mmhmm," Kate hummed softly, "Best sleep I've gotten in the last year."
"I know what you mean," Castle replied earnestly. She could see something flickered in his eyes. He still looked a bit haunted by the memory. Judging that she needed to be careful, Kate forced herself to slow down. All she wanted was to help, and to be as close to him, physically and emotionally, as possible.
"God, you're so beautiful," Castle whispered seemingly entranced by her. Kate kissed him again. After all, how could she not? After the time they'd spent together, she felt closer to him now than ever before.
"Did I mention that you're not so bad looking yourself?" Kate joked softly as she gazed deep into his eyes. Her heart started to beat faster as she saw baby blues of boy she remembered back in New York. It was the happy carefree, Richard Castle. Not the bitter, angry, slightly aggressive, Jeremy Halloway. "Although, I think you need to start eating more." She saw a flicker of something flash through his eyes. "You have been feeding yourself, haven't you?"
"Of course," Castle choked out. Kate swallowed as Castle ran his hands gently up from where they had been gripping her hips to her stomach. Kate moaned softly as his fingers trailed over her skin. He stopped as they encountered a small scar, than ran across her stomach for several inches. A deep breath escaped his lips as he remembered where it was she'd gotten it. She'd been nearly shot all because of him. She sighed as she felt him start to close himself off again. He was constantly doing that and it made Kate afraid that he wouldn't be able to bounce back from her leaving again.
"Uh uh," Kate reprimanded him softly as she gently reached over to run the pad of her thumb over his cheek. She hoped the gesture would be comforting. "Don't do that."
"Sorry," Castle shook his head. "I don't mean to keep doing it. It's just hard not to go back to that place."
"I know," Kate spoke softly. "But stay here with me. Please?" He nodded, kissing her softly. Kate whimpered softly as his tongue forced its way into her mouth. They were so lost in their little world that clothes might have started coming off if it weren't for the timer in the kitchen. Kate jumped as a loud beeping started going off in the kitchen.
"What is that?" Kate asked breathlessly. Her voice was a low husky alto.
"That would be dinner," Castle breathed softly, holding her soft green eyes with his own gaze full of love and adoration. Instead of jumping up from hi lap, Kate stayed, playing with the tendrils of hair at the nape of his neck. It was sensual, intimate, and it made Castle's heart pound relentlessly in his chest. "It's ready."
"You know, I'm having a really hard time motivating myself to get off of you," Kate breathed into his ear, causing him to moan as another shiver shot up his spine. Only, instead of making it feel cold it made him feel so warm.
"You mean you still haven't gotten enough of me?" Castle inquired. "Why miss Katherine Beckett I never would have thought you would be so insatiable."
"Hasn't anyone ever told you?" Kate asked with darkening eyes, "You can never have too much of a good thing."
"Mmm," Castle hummed in agreement. "How about we eat dinner," he suggested, "and then when we're finished, if you still want to have your wicked way with me, I'm all yours."
"If," Kate scoffed. "Just in case you don't know, I thoroughly intend to make the most of every moment." She giggled as Castled pulled her into a deep kiss. He stood up, forcing Kate to wrap her legs around his middle as she slipped her arms behind his neck. She pouted as he set her back down in the chair.
"Wait here five minutes?" he asked her softly.
"Castle," she pouted. She was about to stand up but before she could Castle held up a finger.
"Be a good sport," he pleaded softly, "You won't regret it." He swallowed, pausing at the door. "Five minutes," he punctuated again, before he slipped out the door and shut it behind him. Kate sighed as she stood up. She started perusing books around the library before curiosity got the best of her and wandered over to his desk. On top of it was a large stack of paper, which she quickly made out to be a draft of a book. She flipped on his desk lamp and moved so that her shadow didn't cut off the source of light. She gently reached out as he leant forwards to see the words written on its pages. She expected it to be like any one of his usual mystery novels, only it wasn't anything like what she expected. The two were so far apart that she doubted they could even be compared. Still, as read and turned each page, she did so as if it were another gentle caress.
The more she read, the more distressed she became. She bit down on her lip, at it's graphic nature. There was no doubt; Castle's descriptive writing and his unique writing style was as good as ever. But the subject matter, and the content was very dark almost to the point where it was frightening. It was obvious that Castle had been in a very very dark place when he'd written it, and so it pulled at her heart in an even more painful manner. She was so captivated by what she was reading that she didn't hear Castle come in. She swallowed as a hand gently reached out and restored the pile to its original form. His hand pulled her way from it gently. Kate turned around to see a calm unreadable expression on Castles face. She stood still as he reached around her and switched off the lamp. Kate watched as Castle calmly picked up the transcript and slipped it into a drawer in the bottom of his desk, before shutting it a little vigorously.
"Come with me?" he requested softly, offering her his hand. Kate couldn't help but smile as she twined his fingers with hers.
Slowly they headed for a small room in the front of the house that was Castle's dining room. Her jaw fell open as he led her into a room, lit entirely by candlelight. The table settings were beautiful. She inhaled the deep scent of vanilla. She could only assume it was the scented candles. Her heart beat faster as she observed the rose petals sprinkled across the length of the table. He'd outdone himself on this one. Castle pulled out her chair for her, watching as she settled into her chair. He quickly uncovered the dish in the center of the table. Kate's mouth was already watering.
"I hope you're in the mood for ziti," Castle said with an inflection of his voice. "I wasn't really sure what to make."
"It looks fantastic," Kate reassured him, with a punctuated growl from her stomach. He dished her up with pasta, vegetables, salad, and garlic bread. "I had no idea you could cook." Kate joked. "I thought that your culinary skills were unique to breakfast."
"I've had plenty of time to learn," Castle replied softly. "That's what happens when you can't rely on take out, and have to feed yourself.
He set her plate down in front of her and sidled over to grab a bottle from ice in the center of the table. He reached out for her glass and filled it for her. "Sorry I don't have any wine. Hopefully sparkling cider will be a suitable substitute."
"Sounds good," Kate smiled. "Though I'm surprised that Richard Castle doesn't have so much as a single bottle of wine. Shouldn't you have like an entire stash of booze here somewhere?" She saw Castle's eyes dart away as he swallowed uncomfortably. That reaction concerned her the most.
"I decided that having it around," Castle choked on his words and quickly corrected himself. "I decided that having alcohol around was too tempting," Castle admitted. "For about the first few months I was here, I'm not sure I was ever completely sober." Kate watched as an entire array of emotions moved across his face. Shame, regret, and guilt were definitely the most prominent. "It was bad… I honestly consider myself lucky because I never made any of the big mistakes. I never unintentionally hurt someone or hurt myself, but… It went from bad to worse quickly." Kate tried to keep her breathing even as she just listened.
"What made you stop?" she couldn't help but ask.
"I…I'm not sure exactly," Castle admitted, "It was a kind of epiphany. One morning I just looked myself in the mirror…not just a glimpse, but I mean…I really looked. And I realized that I didn't recognize the man staring back at me. It…really freaked me out. And I realized that it wasn't the way I wanted to live my life." Castle swallowed. "So I made a promise that I would never overtly tempt myself." Kate felt her heart squeeze once again. He had been struggling with addiction, and she had absolutely no idea because she was an entire continent and a country away. She felt pride and admiration for him, as she realized that maybe, just maybe, that he was a hell of a lot stronger than she was. He had managed to stop it all by himself and had the willpower to maintain it. She knew alcoholism well. After her dad lost her mom, he had started living from the bottom of the bottle.
With silence building, Castle walked over to his own chair, avoiding Kate's eyes. Kate opened her mouth to speak, although she had no idea what she should say to such an admission. She watched as Castle served himself and then sat down. Kate's brow furrowed as she realized he had a lot smaller portions than she had. So he hadn't been eating… not nearly enough by Kate's standards anyways. He had a good foot on her in height, and was eating smaller portions than she was. This alone had her greatly concerned. Kate looked away, deciding to leave it alone. She took a ravenous bite; she hadn't realized how hungry she had truly been until in that moment. She shoveled a couple of bites into her mouth, and made appreciative noises in the back of her throat. Her eyes flickered up subtly and she watched as Castle move the food on his plate back and forth on his plate, while intermittently taking small conservative bites.
"This is great," Kate complimented him, her eyes lifting and truly catching his from across the table.
"Glad you like it," Castle smiled. Kate smiled, flicker of concern flashing across her face. This did not go unnoticed by Castle. He swallowed, wondering if they were going to be able to make through dinner before one of them broke. He felt quite close to breaking down, himself. And it wasn't helping that Kate was looking at him like she thought there was something seriously wrong with his demeanor.
"So…I saw that you noticed what I've been working on," Castle hedged.
"Yeah," Kate replied carefully. "It's umm…It's really good." There it was again. The hesitation, the flicker of worry and concern across her features.
"I hope that you know that don't have to lie to me, Kate," Castle chuckled. "I could see that you were troubled by it."
"It's not that," Kate argued softly.
"No?" Castle challenged. Kate nodded.
"Are you sure?' Castle asked. "Because you haven't stop looking at me like that since," Castle accused.
"Like what?" Kate asked in a rebuttal.
"Nothing," Castle choked out, though his tone and the tense sigh that slipped out after the word told Kate that he was definitely bothered by something. "Just forget it."
"When did you write it?" Kate inquired. "How long ago?"
"I finished it a few months ago," Castle answered honestly. "What does it matter?"
"It doesn't," Kate shifted uneasily, "It's just that I…. I'm just worried about you."
"Don't. Don't worry…I mean," Castle pleaded softly, when he saw her shoulders tense. "Kate, I'm fine."
"No, Castle," Kate denied him. "You're not fine. Not even close. You had your entire life ripped away from you. No one…and I mean absolutely no one on this earth would be okay after what you've been through. Castle, you don't have to act so ashamed by it."
"I'm not," he argued, growing more frustrated. He silently wondered how dinner had turned into another argument. He didn't want to fight. Not when he knew he only had so much time with Kate. Any time at all was a gift in itself, but he felt bitter in knowing her visit would be over before it even started
"Castle," she sighed. "I understand that you're in a very dark place. I really do. I can't imagine what it's like. But you can't live like this. I mean…you look like you've hardly eaten in months, and what I read…it would be an understatement to say that it was troublesome. I just…I want you to be okay. I wish I could make things better." Kate bit down on her tongue to stop herself from saying more. Castle was clearly upset now. She could see the muscles in his jaw tense and relax repeatedly.
"Would you just stop?" he asked angrily. "When are you going to get it, Kate? You can't make things better. You can't make me better. You can't fix me…" Castle muttered in a somewhat cold and clipped tone. Kate felt slightly wounded as she saw the look in his eyes.
"Rick, please," she begged of him softly, appealing to his better nature. She just wished he didn't seem so angry all of the time.
"No," Castle shook his head, "Don't you dare first name me. You know I'm right! You know it!" Castle's expression was that of asertion. "Tell me something, Kate. When are you leaving?" Castle asked pointedly.
"What does that have to do with…?"
"Just answer the question," Castle ordered a little more harshly than he intended for it to come out.
"I umm…I took the week off," Kate tried to reply calmly, hoping that her calm reply would calm him as well.
"Okay. So six days then," Castle gritted out. "You think you can fix me in six days?" he challenged cynically. "You honestly think you can make me want to live this meaningless, pointless life in the six days you're here?" Kate felt the need to say something; only she had no idea of what to say. Without meaning to, Kate shook her head. Castle took this to be her reply.
"Then let it go," Castle replied.
"Castle," Kate let out a ragged breath.
"No. I'm done talking…," Castle hissed angrily, "Just stop trying to make it better, Kate! Because you can't! You just can't!" Castle's jaw snapped shut as he pushed his chair back. Kate opened her mouth to speak, but nothing seemed to come out. She jumped up.
"Castle, please," she begged him. "Please don't walk away from this…from us." He looked at her, his eyes locking with hers for a long moment. She thought he looked like he was about to get sick. She felt her eyes burn as she held back tears. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but much like her, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead, he left her to stare after him as he walked quickly from the room and disappeared. She winced as she heard the front screen door slam shut behind him. Kate's head dropped into her hands in defeat and her hands clenched into fists as the emotions she'd been repressing came rushing over her in a wave. Tears flowed angrily down her cheeks as she realized that he was right. She couldn't fix anything. She couldn't ease his pain. She couldn't do anything to help him.
She decided to give him time to calm down. She'd never seen this way before. Sure, they'd had their arguments over the course of their partnership. He knew how stubborn Rick could be in given circumstances, but the anger was almost frightening. She knew he was in pain. He was living a life that made him a shell of who he truly was. Kate plopped back down in her chair, but she pushed away her food. She no longer had an appetite. She waited for what seemed like an eternity and kept waiting for him to come back through the door, but he didn't. She finally decided that if she wanted to see him, she was going to have to venture out after him. She grabbed her bag and then changed into her clothes, then rushed outside in search of him. She swept her eyes over the land before her, wondering where on earth to start. She saw a barn not too far away and decided that it seemed the most promising possibility. Castle might have headed in that direction. In her boots, Kate tracked across the slightly muddy, narrow cut pathway. She poked her head inside the barn, rewarded when she heard a much calmer, lower, dulcet, and soothing voice talking inside. For a long moment she wondered if Castle was alone. She tried to be quiet as she walked through the barn. Eventually, she found Castle inside one of the stalls. He was alone, but talking as he ran a brush over the side of a tall, brown mare. Kate stumbled, making a small noise as her foot hit a nearby bucket. She watched as Castle's shoulders tightened briefly and then relaxed again as he ran the brush along the mare's side. He expelled a deep breath. "I was wondering when you'd find me. I guess I should probably work on finding some better hiding places, huh?"
"I'm sorry," Kate apologized. It seemed like she'd been doing a lot of that lately. Castle squeezed his eyes shut as he struggled not to break down. Kate could sense his pain. Slowly she walked forwards, wrapping her arms tightly around Castle's middle, hugging him from behind. She was rewarded when Castle turned in her arms and returned the embrace.
"I am too," Castle breathed, pulling her tighter against him. "I am so sorry. I shouldn't be taking out all of my feelings on you. You deserve better…so much better than me."
"Shh," Kate lifted her finger to his lips as she saw tears building in his eyes, "Don't say that." He nodded in reply, burying his nose in her hair. He closed his eyes. For a long moment, they stayed like that embracing and holding eachother as they tried to offer the other comfort.
"Please don't ever leave me," Castle breathed. Kate closed her eyes, struggling not to cry. She didn't want to leave him, and part of her wondered if she'd be able to do it.
"I don't want to," Kate breathed. Castle let out a deep sigh and kissed the top of her head before he finally released his hold on her.
As they broke apart Kate finally remarked.
"Wow, Castle," Kate reached out to gently run her hand over the mare's side. "She's such a beautiful horse." Castle nodded.
"She is," Castle replied. "She's wonderful."
"What breed is she?" Kate asked softly.
"She's a Palamino," Castle replied.
"Does she have a name?" Kate whispered as she looked into her expressive brown eyes.
"Serenity," Caste replied. "Kind of fitting, don't you think?" He joked softly. "At least it seemed fitting to me when I got her. She's always been like this. So calm…peaceful. Sometimes when I feel like I'm losing my mind, I'll come out here and just spend some time with her. There's just something about her that mellows me out."
"You ever let her run?" Kate asked softly, admiring the mare's musculature. The horse truly was beautiful.
"Yeah," Castle replied. "On occasion. You wouldn't believe how fast she can go. She's deceptively fast…graceful." She watched as a thought seemingly occurred to him. His eyes darted to his watch then over to where the saddle was perched in the corner. "Actually," he said with a glint in his eyes, "You fancy going for a ride?"
"Sure," Kate replied. She stood back and watched as Castle quickly fitted her with a saddle. He opened the stall all the way and led the beautiful deep brown Palamino horse outside and into the sunlight. Kate watched and observed the horse's calm demeanor as te horse kicked up some dust purely for its own amusement. Kate watched as he expertly stepped up and settled on her back.
"You sure she can carry the two of us?" Kate asked with a furrowed brow.
"You hardly count as a person," Castle wraggled his eyebrows. Kate's eyes much have flashed because he quickly added. "Oh come on. You know what I mean. What I meant was…that you're tiny. She'll have no problem." Kate swallowed nervously. Castle slowly extended his hand out, while holding on tightly to the reins in the other. Reluctantly, Kate slipped one boot into the empty stirrup dangling at the horse's side and settled into the saddle closely behind Castle.
"Okay. Hang on tight," Castle instructed. Kate promptly wrapped her arms tightly around Castle's middle. She jumped slightly as Castle kicked the horse and started her into a fast trot quickly picking up speed. By the time they reached the far side of the field, Serenity was moving at a brisk run. Kate yelped as they jumped a shallow fence. The feeling of adrenaline coursing through her brain was enough to make her feel slightly crazy.
"Whoa," Kate giggled as she held on for dear life.
"A little different from a motorcycle, huh?" Castle teased as they traveled briskly towards a mountain trail nearby.
"You're one to talk," Kate shot back. "How you ever made the transformation from city boy to country cowboy, I'll never know. I mean who would ever thought that Rick Castle would go from a driving a Ferrari to riding a Palamino." Castle only chuckled.
"Which is hotter, do you think," he asked finally as they began to ascend a nearby trail, "the city boy or the cowboy?"
"Hey. They're both pretty hot," Kate husked in his ear, prompting Castle to let out a groan. She let out a laugh, giving him an extra squeeze before she laid her head against his back. It seemed to take a while longer but they finally made it wherever Castle had intended. Serentiy came to a stop, and Castle quickly dismounted and tied the horse up to a post before he helped Beckett hop down. Kate took a deep breath and a look around. Her breath hitched in her throat. Castle whipped around to make sure the brunette was okay. Castle realized he couldn't have planned it any better as his eyes found what it was that had elicited such a response. A smile became plastered on his face as he watched the sun start to sink in the sky.
"Come on," Castle ordered as he grabbed Kate's hand.
"You mean we're still not there?" Kate asked as they locked eyes.
"Just a little further," Castle egged her on. She nodded, letting him lead her up another thirty yards or so. By the time they reached the top, Kate was starting to feel like she was on top of the world. Where they were now, you could see for what seemed like hundreds of miles. Kate had never seen or felt anything as profound as she had in that moment.
"My goodness. This is…incredible," Kate breathed in awe as delicate, orange, pink, and purple painted the sky into one of the most beautiful sights imaginable. "It feels like a gift." Kate closed here eyes as she felt two warm arms wrap around her from behind and hold her tight. She nestled against him, covering his arms with her own.
"I come up here sometimes to watch the sunset," Castle revealed softly. "I can't tell you how many times I've been up here and wished that I could share it with you. Even if it is only one time. I'm glad that I have finally gotten that chance." Kate turned and buried her face into his neck and nuzzled him softly. Castle closed his own eyes, just holding her.
"Who says it's only going to be this one time," Kate challenged softly. "I may have to go back to New York, but that doesn't mean I won't be back every chance I get." She let out out a sigh and then settled back against him in a way that allowed her to watch the sunset while still allowing her to feel close to him.
"I love you," Kate breathed softly as she twined one of her hands with Castle's.
"I know," Castle replied honestly. "I do too."
They stayed like that until the sun disappeared beneath the horizon and the heat started to dissipate, a coldness taking its place.
"Come on," Castle encouraged softly as he detected a shiver in Kate's body. "Let's get you back to the house before it gets dark and you get too cold." Kate accepted his hand and held him close as they headed back for the barn. It was getting dark quickly. When they got back, Kate helped Castle care for the mare that had taken them to such a beautiful place.
"She is a wonderful horse," Kate smiled, as she refilled the water basin and food basin, while Castle removed the sadle and brushed her. "So gentle and sweet."
"It's funny that you should say that," Castle murmured softly.
"Why is that?" Kate inquired.
"Because she reminds me of you," Castle spoke without dwelling on that fact, "It's one of the things that drew me to her in the first place. "She's strong, graceful, but kind, and incredibly compassionate and sensitive." Kate closed her eyes. He would never know just what those words meant to her. She turned around to find him studying her. Slowly, she walked towards him. First, she took one one step and then another. As she came to a stop in front of him he asked, "Did I say too much?"
"No," Kate punctuated as pulled him in for a kiss.
Several hours later, she lay curled up against him, her breathing heavy. She looked down upon the man beneath her with twinkling green eyes. She stared softly into them, and suddenly her breathing ceased. It felt like she was falling.
"I love you," Kate breathed, dropping down to lay upon him. She could hear his heartbeat, feel it against her cheek as she did so.
"I love you too," Castle breathed in reply, his fingers raking through her hair. Kate turned her head, and her eyes came to rest on the pictures before her. As the question became fresh in her mind, she lifted herself back up to look at her lover.
"I meant to ask," She spoke softly as she reached out for one of the pictures. "Where did you get these?" Castle shifted so that he was sitting up, propped up against the headboard. With a smile he reached out for the picture and took it from Kate's hand.
"Oh," Castle smiled. "I umm…I hacked into Alexis' Facebook account," he chuckled. "I know that it probably sounds creepy, but I lost all of my pictures and I just…I needed to be able to see you guys." Kate's heart swelled as she saw the love in Castle's eyes as he looked at that picture. "This one," he indicated the picture of him and Kate from the benefit. "I found online. It was from the benefit we went to. I had a friend print a copy for me and had it framed. It was more wishful thinking than anything else…it's just. I had a really good time that night."
"Me too," Kate agreed. Suddenly, she was shifting, crawling out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Castle asked softly.
"Just a second," Kate swallowed as she made her way over to her bag. She could feel Castle's eyes on her naked body, but tried not to feel too self-conscious. After all, it had become clear during their passionate love-making that Castle loved every single inch of her body, every millimeter. Kate unzipped her bag and pulled out a small package wrapped in brown paper. She pulled it out and walked back to bed, flipping on the lamp on the bedside table. "I just remembered. I brought you something. A couple something's…actually."
"Katherine Beckett," he teased as he gently took it from her. "You are just one surprise after the next, aren't you."
"Mmm," Kate replied with a neither here nor there attitude. "Now open it!"
"Now?" Castle's eyes twinkled.
"Yep," Kate confirmed, "Now." Castle did as he was instructed, ripping open the brown paper. She watched as the grown man sitting next to her was left fighting back tears. He ran his fingers over the glass and the people beneath it. Staring back at him were Kevin Ryan, Javier Esposito, Lanie Parish, Melanie Jacobs, Alexis, and Martha. She stroked his face softly as she spoke. "So you always know that you're not alone in this. We all love you." Castle nodded and swallowed. "Flip it over," she commanded softly. Castle did as he was told. He squeezed his eyes shut as he stared back at a picture taken of him and Alexis, and she knew he was on the edge of losing it. She watched as he opened them again. He picked up two sealed envelopes and flipped them over. He recognized Alexis' handwriting immediately and ripped open the envelope. Kate watched as he unfolded what was inside and started reading.
Her heart ached as she watched a tear seep from his eyes and trail down his cheek. "Please," Kate's voice was soft. "Don't cry."
"I…I'm sorry," Castle apologized as he frantically reached up to wipe at his tears. "They're happy tears. I promise." Castle choked out. "She…she still loves me."
"Castle," Kate breathed. "Of course she still loves you."
He held up a picture Alexis had slipped inside. "Look how beautiful she is. I swear she gets more beautiful with each passing day." Castle cleared his throat as he ripped open Martha's letter and read it in its entirety. He nearly took Kate's breath away when he finished and looked over to meet her eyes.
"Thank you," Castle breathed sincerely. Kate felt a heat work its way up her neck. "Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for being the strong one when I can't be."
"Anything for you," she promised, as she brushed away the remainder of his tears. "I mean it…I will do anything for you."
Please Read and Review! I hope you liked it! More to come soon! I promise! Thanks to all who've stuck by this story!