"Well, here we are. Beregost. Whatcha think?"
The city bustled in the distance as the trio entered the area. A few armoured guards milled about the entrance, while the cries of merchants and the general cacophony of city life drifted over like a haze.
"...It's a city? Imoen, I haven't even walked in yet. What on Toril do you expect me to say? Tis an exquisite sight on mine eyes? A jewel of prosperity in the void of the hostile landscape? A hovel of a million dreams? You can't expect me to-" Malark's rant was cut off halfway through, causing him to pout.
"Better let me do the talking if all you're doing is complaining. Not surprised, a hayseed like you stumbling out into a big city - bet you're scared!"
"Spare me, oh exalted travelled one," said Malark, waving his hands in some vague interpretation of a holy ritual. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but you spent ten years ruining my ability to sleep through the morning by shrieking on the other side of the same library I was trapped in."
"I travelled with Puffguts!"
"Yeah, when you were like, four."
"I still know that Feldeposts is really nice! And I haven't had a hot bath in aaageesss," Imoen gave Malark the strongest dose of puppy eyes she was capable of pulling off.
"That has literally never worked on me," Malark said dismissively. "Also, 'aaageesss' I think requires it to be longer than a day. Remember how we literally had servants waiting on us at the Friendly Arm because I have no idea how to live within our means?"
"On the subject of spending money, we need a new pot to replace the one you ruined-"
"I ruined? Imoen, you left it on the fire!"
"Yeah, well, it was your idea to let me cook!"
"Imoen, have you ever eaten my cooking? It wasn't an 'idea', it was a necessity."
"You distracted me by talking about feelings and stuff!"
"Yeah, but it was still your job."
"Oh, whatever. I also need a new hunting knife because 'someone'," Imoen said, as innocently as possible, "threw it at a chicken because they wanted chicken!"
"I swear I heard that chicken say 'fuck me dead' but I'll put that down to a very stressful couple of days."
"And a new tunic, because my pink one got ripped,"
"Which pink one? The mildly pink, the off pink, or the pinky pink? Because I honestly couldn't tell you the difference. Do you own anything not pink?"
"Whatever! It was my favourite! Hurry up, slowpoke! We've got things to do."
Malark offered a silent prayer to Ilmater to grant him reward for his intense suffering, and headed into town. After dismissing a local tour guide by asking him where he could get a beer and finding Feldepost's was closest, he walked straight there.
"'Ere now, get out! I don't like your type in here!"
Malark, not lacking in experience with angry drunks in bars, just ignored him and headed to the counter and getting a mug of 'whatever's cheapest'. This avoidance was not met with success.
"Hey! I told you to get lost! Ain't no room here for troublemaking strangers!"
"Take it easy, mate. Plenty of space here for all of us. No need to make a scene," Malark let an oddly soothing tone into his voice. He then braced himself for the predictable caterwauling that followed that remark.
"I'll cause any scene I fuckin' well please!" was followed by a hiccup from this 'Marl', or so his friend at the back of the bar shouted toward him. "You all go out, fuckin' doin' god knows what and then bring all that shit back to my town! How does that sound, you little prick?"
Malark sighed, and reached into his spellbook. One quick application of a charm spell later, he was comforting a crying Marl who had lost his son to kobolds. Thank the Gods for the weave.
"Why didn't you try and argue with him?" asked Ajantis, once Malark had dealt with the sobbing man.
"My three rules, AJ - don't cry for the stupid because you'll never stop; don't scorn a woman or she'll go to the abyss to ruin your breakfast; and don't reason with a drunk, because your tongue will fall out before they listen," Malark rattled off, this clearly not the first time he'd said it. "Now I'm going to buy a book. It's time to visit an old friend."
He walked across the street into one of the homes.
"Ah, you're old Gorion's ward, the lonely kid of Candlekeep! Of course! I heard about the loss of Gorion, and I must give you my deepest condolences," Firebead said, as he ushered the party toward the table. Books and coffee lined the table, thrown in a haphazard manner that screamed obsessive scholar of Candlekeep. Keeping at bay the nostalgia that burned painfully in his very bone, Malark sat down, while Imoen tried her best to get Firebead to fuss over her.
They talked about literature, and swapped books - The Fateful Coin for The Dead Three.
"Ah, The Dead Three! I was oddly fond of this growing up, if I remember," Malark burst into childlike glee, all pretense of adventuring bard lost in a good read. "It's one of few great battles of the minds."
"Isn't that the story of Bhaal, Bane, and Myrkul?" inquired Ajantis, a bit of caution in his tone. "If you're hiding something…"
"Oh, relax AJ. I'm not some secret worshipper of evil gods. I just enjoy a well written tale, regardless of moral values or lack thereof."
After walking into another pub because Malark 'wanted to get a taste of the local flavour,' and promptly being robbed, leading to Malark chasing a halfling all around the building till he ran out of breath, they headed out to find someone outside dramatically slide up next to them.
"Hail, adventurers! I have a proposal for you. I've have heard that you're an excellent group of warriors. How would you like a well-paying job as bodyguards for my mistress?"
Malark and Imoen, slightly confused at being considered capable warriors, quickly agreed once the payment of three hundred gold was suggested, and Malark was only slightly fussing under his breath that there was no way this 'Silke' was a better performer than he was.
"So, Garrick, these are the only mercenaries you could find? I guess they'll have to do. You look to be worth about three hundred gold, that's what my little Garrick offered you, isn't it?" Silke spoke as if narrating to thousands.
"Garrick is not little! Good thing you're an actress, not a painter; would have been a problem bein' blind, huh. 'Cause if you don't see for yourself how tall he is, ya sure are blind!" Imoen shouted to Garrick's defense.
"What?" balked Garrick and Malark, simultaneously, before both went back to business mode.
She explained the situation, and the party took up standard combat positions. The threat about words that could sway even the mightiest of men caused the trio a fair amount of anxiety, until the thugs arrived and started talking. When they sounded friendly, Malark was unsure, but it went south quickly after.
"What are you talking about? We're here with the gems that…"
Malark buried his head in his hands. This was arguably the least convincing robbery he had ever seen. Best performer on the Sword Coast my arse. Didn't even manage to make them sound like an actual threat. Weak.
"KILL THEM ALL!" shrieked Silke, breaking him out of his mocking monologue.
"Silke, please. I've run into fishermen who tried to get me to slaughter a twelve-year-old, and I've met two madmen who tried to come off as do-gooders, and that was still the least convincing performance I've seen in the last tenday. And one of those madmen actually talked to himself in the middle of it. I'm not slaughtering innocent bystanders."
"Our deal is off! In any case, you're probably too cowardly to be any good in a fight. I'll deal with them myself, after I deal with you!"
"IMOEN! WAND!" Malark yelled as soon as he saw he start casting a spell. The bolt of magic energy flew out of the wand Imoen had been saving, disrupting the process. It gave Ajantis enough time to beat her into a bloody pulp with his sword. The 'thugs,' it now abundantly clear they were no threat, handed the party a potion as thanks and left. Garrick, the last loose end, offered his services to the party.
"I mean, Malark, he can join us, right?" Imoen giggled. "He is cute, and he's a real bard. Someone's gotta write ballads about my bravery and beauty, ya know?"
"Am I not a real bard, Imoen? After my collected works of poetry-"
"They're just poorly written pervert smut!"
Malark cleared his throat overly dramatically. He glanced at Garrick. Both reached for lutes, and began to strum a rhythm that eventually synced up.
"Imoen, what's happening?" Ajantis asked, a fair bit of caution in his words.
"Malark's gotten really vain because I challenged his bardness and now he's going to prove himself through verse," Imoen sighed.
"Is it dangerous?"
"Only to listen to."
The bards circled each other, their chords echoing over the area.
"You call it," said Garrick.
"One verse each, ten lines, a-a-b-b-c-c-d-d-e-e stanza. Classic rules," Malark was a mask of concentration.
"Very well," sung Garrick, and the duel began.
An angry angst poet putting me to the test
All of my learnings they came from the best
I'm full of harmony, you're sounding like a husk
Don't meddle with a veteran of Verdusk
Who's this farce of a fop standing before me?
A jack of all trades you call me Dee Bee Bee
Compare me to some lout who can barely strum
Are you confused because it's not just a drum?
Some vocalist who likes to fight just to much
An actual musician, address me as such.
"Imoen, I'm still confused. Who actually decides the victor?" Ajantis' eyes were transfixed in blanket horror.
"They do. Now cover ya ears, AJ, because Malark gets a bit… err… foul," Imoen explained.
"Not bad, kid. But I'm so much nastier," and so Malark began.
I take to it like a war, I keep this shit matter of fact
Unlike you, working for some bitch who can't even act
Quickly summon my ad-hoc, a high master of the verse
Throwing verbal daggers I leave 'em for the hearse
You were trained in a college with the plethora of sheep
Fucker I read every story in Candlekeep
I've seduced women from Kara-Tur to Akanûl
Do you even know the meaning of the word pull?
So pitiful, you're nothing save for a puppet on call
Come back to me after a total overhaul.
They stopped playing, looked at each other briefly, and bowed. Garrick then left.
"Malark! You drive everyone I like away!" Imoen fussed.
"Yeah, well, look at his taste in people. He'd have either hated you or caused us problems in the long run. We have no shortage of naivety in this party, and I have no desire to add to it. Now let's go shopping and kill some spiders."
This went surprisingly successfully for the party. Imoen was given better armour, and the spiders stupidly bashed into Malark and Ajantis for very little effect while Imoen and Ajantis hit them till they died.
"I'm telling you guys, the key to any victory is me standing there distractingly singing! Look at what it's beaten and tell me there's any flaw in my logic here," Malark rambled as they headed to a section of town they hadn't been to yet. "Ogre? Smashed his face to goo. Crazy bandit? She was in the wrong place. Silke? Worth more than three hundred gold, we were. Spiders? If I had something ironic to say about their death, I'd say it now."
"You! HEY, YOU! Yes, you. I don't see anybody else around here. A little help, please?" cried out a voice from an alleyway.
"Sure, what is it?" Malark said as he walked down toward the voice.
"There's bandits! Vicious, magic bandits! And they must have gone to advanced bandit school or something. They're trying to capture me!" The voice belonged to a half-elf with pink hair.
"Magic bandits? I wonder if they'll say anything I can use ironically after they die - wait, hang on," Malark stopped abruptly. "Magic, spellcasting bandits? Those aren't bandits - bandits just shoot you! What are you on about?"
The half-elf groaned. "Listen, I'd love to give you a really long and detailed explanation of what's going on but—oh, look! WE'RE OUT OF TIME."
Suddenly, people in red cloaks teleported into the alley.
"Red Wizards. Fucking fantastic. I love me some Thavians in the evening, it really brightens my mood," Malark grumbled, not to anyone in particular.
"So, you would try to hide from us behind this unfortunate fool?" their leader threatened. "Your cowardice proves as dangerous as your reckless magic."
"You're the one trying to capture me!" yelled the half-elf, clearly exasperated. "And I still don't know what you want, so I'd rather not let it happen. Get out of here before me and my new friends decide to inject a fist into your mouth!"
"You there!" directed the Red Wizard to Malark, "Stand aside and give me the girl. Surely you won't risk your life for a stranger?"
"Convince me, then. Why are you hunting her? Don't get me wrong, but Red Wizards are not known for their benevolence."
"By my right as a wizard of Thay, we must study her anomalous power… whether or not she comes willingly."
"Right, I forgot, if it moves and you don't understand it, poke it with a scalpel. Oh, silly me," Malark said, realising now this was going to end one of one ways.
They slung more threats and insults at each other before, eventually, the half-elf waved her hands about, yelled some magic words, and the leading Red Wizard vanished somewhere. Malark was the first to grasp the situation.
"Imoen, wand, mage! AJ, sword, mage!" he yelled as he ran distractingly at the guards.
Once again, the wand proved a lethal tool for interrupting a spell, and without any magic protection, the mage was quickly cut down. The two guards didn't put up much of a fight after Ajantis hit them a couple of times. After a short respite to retain their breath, the half-elf looked toward the trio.
"I am really, really, really-"
"Seriously, it's fine. You okay?" Malark cut off her apology with a wave of his hand.
"Yeah, I didn't get hurt. Is there any chance I can travel with you guys? For your protection as well as mine. I swear, I'm quite a skilled spellcaster. I can hurl a fireball like you wouldn't believe!"
"You know I'm a bard, right? I can hear the ominous foreshadowing like it's a colour."
"So that means…?"
"Grab your shit, you're coming with us. At this point, I think it would be more irresponsible to let you run off."
"Fantastic! Just let me get my… well, nothing. I'm ready to go right now!"
And so the party of three became four. Neera was introduced to the group, and the party was ordered by Malark to check out the one tavern they hadn't been to yet.