Title: Ask Me How Much I Love You
Chapter: Make This Go On Forever
Spoilers: A play on spoilers from Anatomy of a Murder. Kate tells Castle that she would break him out of prison. Castle sees this as a sign of Love.
Rating: T (just to be on the safe side)
Disclaimer: Sadly the amazing show that is Castle does not belong to me. It belongs to Terri Miller and Andrew Marlowe!
A/N: No excuses! I'm terribly sorry that it has been so long. I've been through a lot this year (feeding tubes, surgeries, more tests, treatments, and more). It's kind of a miracle I'm still here and still writing! I hope I haven't lost all of my readers in the meantime, but if I have, I understand. I just hope those of you that are left will be happy to see more of this story!
They made it back to Castle's place a little before dark. Kate unbuckled her seatbelt and stepped out into the cool evening. She inhaled deeply, reveling in the rich, sweet scent of coniferous pines and the untainted crisp air of the surrounding forest. It was different from the smog and the stifling air of New York. A smile slipped onto Kate's lips as she silently allowed herself to think that she could get used to it. She found herself jumping slightly as Castle shut the driver's side door and moved around the back to pull their luggage from the trunk. The sun had already set, but the residual light left from its journey across the sky colored the clouds in rich reds and oranges. There was even a hint of violet, in the higher cumulus clouds. Castle pulled their luggage out of the back. Kate felt his eyes on her.
"Mind if I stay out here for a little while?" she asked softly.
"Not at all," Castle replied warmly. "I'm just going to bring the luggage inside, and I'll be right back." Kate nodded, reaching up to rub the back of her neck. When she was alone, she lifted her arms over her head and had a good stretch. The downside of riding in the car for so long is that she felt stiff as a statue. She let out a deep relaxed breath as most of the tension in her lower back and shoulders was relieved. Her hands dropped back to her sides as she took a good look around. She couldn't seem to get over how beautiful everything was.
While she waited for Castle to return, Kate moved up to the porch. She smiled as she spied an old swing, hanging in front of the bay windows. It looked awfully inviting and so Kate tested it, pushing it back before removing her touch. The swing swung forwards, then backwards again. The next time she touched it she pushed down to make sure it would bear weight. It seemed structurally sound and so she hesitantly sat down. Her legs dangled in open air over the wood planking of the porch. A smile slipped onto her lips as she recalled a similar swing from her childhood home in the suburbs that was very much like the one she sat on now. Her mother had often sat with her on the porch and read to her, when she was a little girl.
On his way through the foyer, Castle took the liberty of peeking outside. A smile turned the corners of his mouth upwards as he saw Kate through the window. She was sitting on his porch swing, looking quite comfortable as she rocked back and forth. Suddenly he had an idea. He switched off most of the lights in the house, and tiptoed back in the direction of the kitchen. He brewed some decaffeinated coffee, before filling a couple of mugs. He added cream and sugar to the coffee just the way Kate liked it. He set them on the counter, rushed to the cupboard to grab a couple of blankets and his high resolution miniature telescope. He tucked them under his arm, before snatching the coffee off of the kitchen counter and heading for the porch. With his shoulder, he pushed open the screen door to the front porch and stepped out into the cool night.
Kate turned towards him, looking slightly surprised. He offered her a smile as he walked up to her. "Coffee?" he offered. She gratefully took the proffered mug from his hand and wrapped her small hands around it, allowing herself to feel the warmth radiating through the porcelain. She lifted it to her lips, blowing on the caramel colored liquid to cool it slightly. Steam wafted through the air as heat met the cool air around it. Finally, she took a ginger sip, making a soft noise of approval. Castle loved all of the little noises she made.
"Thank you," Kate smiled gratefully. Castle nodded and sat down next to her on the swing. A shiver shot up Kate's spine as her body acknowledged she was cold. As if on cue, she watched Castle set his mug of coffee on a small table on his left. He unfolded one of the blankets and carefully slipped it around her shoulders.
"To keep you warm," he explained. "It cools off pretty quickly at night."
"Thanks," Kate breathed quietly, meeting his eyes. She hoped he knew how much she appreciated all of the small gestures he made. He was so thoughtful sometimes, she was sure there weren't a lot of men out there who measured up to him.
"Anytime," Castle replied softly.
"Aren't you cold?" Kate found herself asking when she noted he was pretty exposed to the elements as well.
"Not yet," Castle replied. Kate nodded. They sat in silence for a minute or two before Kate ultimately decided that she wanted to be closer to him. She sidled up to Castle's side, laying her head softly on his shoulder as she curled up against him. She could see his lips tug upwards in a smile. Her heart started to beat a little faster as she felt his arm wrap around her. He pulled her tight against him. Together they listened to the crickets chirping. Every so often there was a soft rustle of leaves as a stiff breeze caught and swirled through the nearby trees. Kate jumped slightly as a howl in the distance echoed through the air around them. It sounded unlike anything she'd ever heard before. A shiver shot up her spine at the otherworldly nature of the sound.
"It's okay," Castle reassured her as he gave her body a comforting squeeze, "It's just the coyotes singing. There are a lot of them this far north, but they shouldn't bother us."
"But what if they do?" Kate joked.
"Then I'll stave them off long enough for you to get inside," Castle's lips twitched in another bemused smile. "Wait a minute…" he joked, "Is Kate Beckett actually afraid of something?" Then. "I don't believe it." He laughed as Kate gently swatted him on the shoulder. Kate felt her heart swell with love as she saw the childish glint in his eyes. He was like himself again.
"I'm not afraid," Kate defended, "It's just unsettling. I don't think I've ever heard a coyote before. I know I've seen one in the city once, during a heat wave, but that was what I'd like to think of as a rare and very strange occurrence. To be honest, the first time I saw it, I thought that I was seeing things."
"I know what you mean about it being unsettling," Castle agreed. "I remember hearing them one of the first nights I was here. It's a lot different than the city noises I've gotten so used to. But I've grown to like it. It makes me feel less alone. I still remember the first squawk I heard from the bald eagle that lives in one of the larger trees around here. You wouldn't believe the abundance of wildlife that comes through here. Not too long ago, I saw an Elk."
"It must be quite a sight to behold," Kate breathed.
"Oh it is," Castle smiled, "Still, it's nothing near as extraordinary as you. You have to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen here." Kate looked away, feeling her cheeks flush. She was amazed that Castle could make her feel so much with only his words.
"Rick," Kate whispered, turning towards him. He gazed into the depths of her eyes. Her pupils were dilated, in an effort to let enough light in so that she could see. Castle swallowed thickly. He could hear the pleading in her tone of voice. As much as he knew that she liked the flattery, she was still very shy when it came to matters of her own esteem.
"You know what else is breathtakingly beautiful?" Castle asked as he reached up to brush a stray tendril of hair behind her ear.
"No," she muttered breathlessly, deciding to humor him, "What else is so beautiful?"
"The night sky," Castle replied. "You'll have to wait a few minutes to see what I mean. But it shouldn't be long now."
"How ever are we going to pass the time?" Kate whispered softly as she held his gaze.
"I don't know," Castle replied softly, never looking away. "But I can think of a few ways that we might be able to make the wait a little more bearable."
"Me too," Kate smiled as she swiveled on the swing so that she was facing him a bit more than before. Castle was curious to see whether he could hold out long enough to motivate Kate to make the first move. It worked. Kate grew impatient. His breathing stopped as Kate's hand brushed along his cheekbone and slid effortlessly into his hair. As he finally gave in, Kate's hand slid around the back of his neck, pulling him into a hungry kiss. He moaned as she tugged on his bottom lip, causing it to sting. Just as suddenly, she ran her tongue along the bottom edge to sooth the sting away. His mouth opened greedily and Kate's tongue slid effortlessly into his mouth, exploring the contours of his mouth. She didn't let herself feel guilty for stealing the air from his lungs. She could never get enough of Rick, and knew it was likely that it would never change. There was something about his kiss that was so unbelievably addicting. Intoxicating. Castle moaned softly as Kate ran her right hand down his back and her left up his side, holding him tight against her as she turned and slipped her left thigh over his lap so that she could straddle him.
"Kate," Castle moaned as his body started to respond to their close proximity.
"I know, I know," Kate whispered as she kissed a soft trail of kisses up towards his ear. "I'm sorry." Kate moved slowly off of Castle's lap, causing him to moan as she brushed against some of the more sensitive parts of his body. Kate laughed softly.
"You sure you don't want to finish what we started?" Kate teased.
"Maybe later," Castle replied. "I want to show you something first."
The sky grew darker by the minute, and soon they were left to one of the most beautiful sights imaginable. Kate found the first star in the sky. Over the course of only a few minutes, small white apparitions began to fill the night sky.
"Oh wow," Kate choked out, starting to feel in awe of the picture before her. "The stars. I don't think I've ever seen so many."
"I'm afraid living in the city makes it pretty impossible to see them," Castle said quietly. "Out here in the country, there's no light to block them out."
"I only wish I knew more about astronomy," Kate said sadly. "The only constellation I seem to be able to identify is Ursa Major."
"I was never very good at memorizing the names of all the stars and their place in the night sky either," Castle admitted. "I took an Astronomy class when I was in college, but only because it was the most interesting elective I could come up with. Most of what I learned didn't stick."
"So I guess we're on our own when it comes to deciphering the night sky, huh?" Kate said with a weak smile.
"Not entirely," Castle replied. He received a pair of raised eyebrows from his companion.
"Over the last year I've learned that it comes in handy to have a star map," Castle smiled. "Well, that and a nice telescope." Kate looked at him. She wasn't surprised to see the childish glint in his eyes, the one that told her he was quite pleased with himself. He looked at her for some sort of approval, while he carefully pulled them it out of its protective case. "You want to see Jupiter?" he asked with a wry smile. "It's visible in the night sky at twilight," Castle commented. "It should be fairly easy to find since it's wedged between Pisces and Aries."
"Sure," Kate swallowed, looking up into the sky. She wondered where on earth Jupiter could be in the sea of twinkling lights before them. Castle stood up, holding out his hand for Kate. Kate looked at him with a puzzled expression.
"We need an unobstructed view of the western sky," Castle explained, so we have to leave our nest for a couple of minutes. Kate nodded, took his hand, and followed him off of the porch. He led her to a spot where he took a moment to set up the telescope. Kate watched intently as he leant over the telescope and twisted several knobs, as he tried to set everything up. Finally, Castle found what he was looking for. He straightened up and indicated that she should take his place. She wasn't sure what she was seeing at first, but with some luck, she managed to find what seemed like a bright star. Only it wasn't a star at all. It was brighter than all of the stars around it.
"You see it?" Castle asked hopefully, causing her to jump slightly and nearly lose track of it.
"Yeah," Kate replied. "Wow." Then. "What are the dimmer stars around it?"
"Well, I would have to guess that they're Jupiter's moons," Castle replied. Listing them off as he ticked them off on his fingers. "Let's see… There's Io, Europa, Ganymede, and Calisto…I think?"
"You don't sound very confident there, Castle," Kate teased.
"Well," Castle cleared his throat as a blush worked its way up his neck. "I was trying to impress you, but I can never keep all of the names straight." "But it's cool isn't it?" Castle breathed enthusiastically. "You should come stargazing with me when there's a meteor shower. The last time I sat out here for one, there were so many that I couldn't count them fast enough. They were falling by the dozens."
"Okay," Kate breathed, "That's it. I'm sold. I never want to leave this place." He grabbed her hand and led her back over to the porch swing. She sat and he plopped down next to her.
"Really," Castle chuckled. "If I had known that's what would clinch it I would have made you sit out here the first night you were here." Kate laughed.
"As if the company isn't what really matters," Kate said softly. "I'm pretty sure that I wanted to stay from the first moment I got here. Just being with you is enough."
"Then don't ever leave," Castle said as if it were the most obvious solution in the world. Unfortunately it just wasn't that simple.
"I can tell that you think I'm joking," Kate replied as she held onto him tighter, "But I'm serious." Kate took a deep breath. "I want to stay here, Rick."
"What about your job?" Castle asked, "What about everyone else? Your friends? Your family?" He closed his eyes as he tried to think reasonably. "You have a life in New York, Kate," Castle breathed calmly. "Do you really think you would be okay leaving it all behind?"
"Sure," Kate replied, silently hating the falter in her voice as she answered. She knew she needed to do a better job of selling it. But it was too late. The hesitation Castle heard told him all that he needed to know.
"Nice try," he breathed with a sad smile. "I appreciate your effort to sound earnest, but I understand why you can't be." Then. "Besides… it's better to be honest. I…I know that you'd like to think you would like living here, but I have a feeling you'd change your mind pretty quickly," Castle paused. "I can't be the reason you give up everything else, Kate. I don't want to be. And I certainly don't want you to resent me for making you do it."
"I could never resent you for it," Kate argued. "Do you really think that I'd get sick of you and one day decide that I hate you for making me stay here in the first place?"
"I honestly don't know," Castle shook his head. "All I know is that the novelty has to wear off at some point, Kate." He took a breath as he gazed into her eyes. "God only knows how much I love you, and how much that I want you to stay. But I can't ask you to do that. Not really. I'd hate myself for that."
"So…. What then?" Kate asked. "I go back to New York and just pray that I get to see you every few months? Hell, depending how many cases come in, I might only get enough time to come twice a year!" Kate sighed, feeling defeated. "Rick, I…I have absolutely no idea how our relationship is supposed to withstand that." Castle opened his mouth to reply and then caught himself. He could see that he'd upset Kate somehow.
"I don't know," Castle, sighed, as he raked a hand through his hair in new-found frustration. "Look," he groaned, "I wish I knew what to do." "I… The only thing that I know is that I can't ever go back, Kate."
"You keep saying that!" Kate snapped. "It's like you've already given up."
"Give me one reason I shouldn't!" Castle shot back. "Damn it, Kate! You just don't understand! It's over. I lost." He took a deep breath. "You said yourself, there's nothing to vindicate me!"
"Then try again," Kate yelled. "Otherwise you're nothing more than a quitter!"
"Wow," Castle spoke softly, his breath misting in front of his face. "Congratulations, Kate. You win!" Castle hissed sarcastically. "You've got my number."
"And you're right," he breathed, "We can't maintain a relationship when we can't even speak to each other, and you can't stay here. I couldn't possibly ask you to stay." "Maybe the right thing for me to do here is…"
"Is what?" Kate asked, sensing Castle was struggling to get the words out.
"Let you go," he breathed, almost so quietly she didn't hear.
"No," Kate shook her head. "Absolutely not."
"We can't win, Kate," Castle spoke dejectedly. "We can never win." He held up a hand to silence Kate before she could argue. "Look, I…I didn't want to tell you this, because I knew it would confuse you. But," He sighed. "A man approached me. A man I'd never even met before. He told me that he knew who I was, and that the U.S. government was looking for me."
"I tried to deny it," Castle swallowed, "I denied it vehemently, but it wasn't good enough. Kate, he knew."
"I didn't want to listen," Castle confessed, "But he kept talking. He made me listen. And… He-He claimed that the government had set me up, and that they had come after me only because they wanted him, a man I'd never seen before in my life."
"Rick," Kate's voice cracked. "Are you sure he wasn't just playing you?"
"Yeah," Castle nodded. "I'm sure," he spoke confidently. "I… I think this man is my father. My real father." Kate nearly choked on her own tongue, and started coughing.
"Castle," Kate said carefully, once she'd regained the ability to speak. "Your father's dead. Someone killed him. Do you…Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds?"
"Of course I do!" Castle nearly shouted. "Don't you think I know how crazy it all sounds?! It's why…I almost didn't tell you." Then, he shook his head and stood.
"Castle, wait!" Kate gripped his hand tightly in hers.
"Just forget it," he muttered. "I knew this was a mistake."
"No!" Kate stood. "Castle, Look at me." He looked everywhere but at her. "Castle, look at me. Please." She reached up to his chin, turning his gaze to meet hers. "Look, I'm sorry, okay?"
"It's fine," he said softly, agonizingly so.
"No, it's not," Kate said patiently. "If it had been me, you would have believed me, on principle. You deserve the same from me." Then. "Can you tell me why you think this man is your father?"
"He gave me something," Castle closed his eyes. "A book." She waited silently for him to open his eyes and continue. It took a while, but he did. "You have to understand. When I was a kid, I used to imagine about what my father was like. I… I sort of liked that he could be anyone. He could be doing anything. Still, it hurt that I didn't have a father. That's…It's why it was so hard to lose the man I thought was my father. But the politician I met, Richard, knew nothing about me. This man, Kate, the one I met a month and a half ago, knew all sorts of things about me. He had pictures of Alexis, Mother, and me. He had pictures from my graduation. He had pictures from my first book signing. And…"
"And?" Kate was hungrily taking in every word. She was starting to believe that maybe Castle was right. Either that, or this man Castle was describing took the definition of stalker to the extreme.
"And a copy of the first book I ever read," Castle said. "Wait here," he commanded softly as he rushed inside for something, and came back a minute later, clutching something. He handed it to her, and she ran her hand over the cover.
It was a first edition of Casino Royale.
"He said he knew that I'd had to leave my copy behind," Castle said to Kate. "This. This is the first book that I read. This is the book that made me want to become a writer." She was speechless. "I never knew who sent it. There was no note or anything. I guess I just took it for granted."
"Wow," Kate breathed. "I admit. That's pretty compelling." Then. "So where does that leave us?"
"Nowhere," Castle sighed. "I mean…it's not like he gave me any real advice."
"But I know where to start digging, now," Kate said softly. "Castle, just give me a chance to find something before you give up all hope, okay?" Castle wasn't sure if he could even mutter a response, so he just nodded. "Did he give you any means to contact him?"
"No," Castle shook his head. "Not so much as a phone number," Castle replied as he stood up. "You mind if I go to bed?" he asked, suddenly feeling very tired.
"No," Kate shook her head. "I'm gonna hang out here for a moment. But I'll be up soon."
"Lock up when you come in?" he asked with a smile. He lifted her hand to his cheek and kissed the inside of her palm.
"Of course," Kate replied softly. She tried not to shiver as he left her outside, staring into the darkness.
How was she going to find a man who in all senses of the word didn't really have an identity? And how was she going to enlist his help, in proving Castle's innocence?
A/N: So that's it for now! More to come soon! I promise! Please review and let me know if any of you are still with me!
I LOVE YOU ALL! Take care and god bless!