"I need a bowl of soup, an axe, and if no-one has a pet hedgehog, I guess we just wait for Neera to surge then?" asked Malark as he walked into the inn. "I need someone to juggle them."
The candlelight of the inn seemed to flicker, as if the whole room were blinking in shock. The constant murmur of the bar faded into naught. All the silence made the slight groan of the floorboard seem like a roar as an armoured woman walked slowly towards them.
"Just fancy my luck to see you stroll in here," she said, dragging her club along a table, "bold as day. I expected to see a hunt and chase from the description, but-"
"Shush!" cried Malark, putting his finger to his lips. "I've got other stuff to do than be assassinated. Noon tomorrow sound good to you?"
"What?" even the assassin was startled at Malark's outright rejection. She froze, a little confused.
"Look, lady, I appreciate you have things to do, but there is a monk out front and I'm, like, eighty percent sure I can make him display his fighting routine while juggling the three most dangerous and precarious items I can find in here."
"This is going to be the easiest gold I've ever made," grumbled the assassin as she tried to cast a spell at the party. A few arrows missing from Kivan's quiver later, the assassin was thoroughly dealt with.
"Malark, I think this is starting to get out of hand," said Imoen, tugging at his sleeve.
"You're damn right this is getting out of hand!" yelled Malark. Before Imoen could apologise, he continued. "How hard is it to find a hedgehog? Kivan, what do hedgehog footprints look like?"
"I… I don't get you, Malark," Imoen mumbled, mortified.
"Hey, I apparently don't get to see a monk juggle Neera as a small mammal. Truly, I share your pain."
Malark found himself at the bar. Placing the glass in his hands carefully onto the counter, he saw Neera walk up to him, looking a little confused as she sat opposite him.
"Umm, Malark," she asked, "Why are you on the bartender's side of the bar?"
"Bartender's hiding in his room after 'a dizzy spell' after filling up the bath, which -" he paused a moment to sniff, "-seems you came out of. Neera."
"Yes?" she replied, very slowly and carefully.
"You're a shadowdark girl, aren't you?" he said, as he handed her a glass.
"Huh, thanks," she smiled as she sipped the drink.
"Now what in the name of Cuthulu's most unholy magics did you do to that poor man!?" Neera spat her drink over the counter. Malark sighed and grabbed a towel.
"He was peeking!" Neera pouted at him. "He deserved worse than what he got. He's lucky I was in a good mood, or he'd have ended up with a tail, or worse, bunny ears."
"That's a matter of perspective, really," chuckled Malark, leaning on the counter. "I've definitely met people who wanted tails and bunny ears. Perks of living in a library - you meet some very odd people."
"Ooooh, tell me about the oddest!"
"I met a gnome who had eaten their own toe off their own foot." Neera gaped at Malark, so he decided to go into greater detail. "Apparently she did it to scare off a drow war party on a travel to the underdark - she was an illusionist. So the obvious question is, right, why didn't she just make an illusion of it?" Neera gestured for him to continue. "You wouldn't believe it, but apparently she was too hungry to think clearly."
"You're pulling my leg," Neera gently punched his shoulder, her eyes wide with excitement.
"If peeking risks bunny ears and tails, I think I'm giving myself a wide berth from your legs. I think even Oghma doesn't want to know what horrific trick you'd pull."
"You got me to an inn tonight," Neera shrugged, "you'd probably get off with a short term polymorph." An awkward silence hung for a second or two, as both of them tried to process what she said. "But seriously, she ate her own toe because she was hungry?"
"Have you ever met a hungry gnome? I've run away from a lot of things in my time, but a hungry gnome is by far the most dangerous. They lose all rational thought."
"If that's the case, I'm going to bed before you give me any nightmares."
"Pity it's too late for the bartender. Goodnight, Neera."
"Thanks again. Night!"
Malark had only just finished adjusting to the horrible sensation of sunlight after a few too many the night before when he had Kivan and Ajantis inform him that he would be helping Naskhel with the problems in the mines. Suppose it's kinda my fault for running off Khalid and Jaheira. I'd feel too guilty if I didn't. He mused, before them telling him they'd also picked up two bounty quests.
"Anything else you've found while I've been screaming in the sunlight like a vocalised vampire?" Malark asked, almost scared to hear the answer.
"Just a very big man yelling about 'butts to be kicked' or something equally crass," replied Ajantis.
"Fuck it," shrugged Malark, and they left for the other end of town.
"I agree Boo," said the huge man to hamster quite hammishly, "they look to be friendly. Greetings, we are Minsc and Boo. We have travelled far to explore this land, but now my charge Dynaheir has been taken from us. 'Twas gnolls, and once we have tracked them I will beat sense into their heads until they release her. Accompany us, and bards will sings of the deeds of Minsc and Boo… and friends."
"Malark, a man can be tort-" Kivan tried speak, but Malark cut him off with a wave.
"Hold that thought, Kivan, because I'm kind of a stickler for a some details. Excuse me, sir, are you talking to a hamster?"
"Yes! Boo is my faithful animal companion, and more than he seems!" shouted Minsc with delight.
"Does he do cage matches?"
"Malark!" shouted Neera, punching him on the shoulder.
"Boo is very fond of cage matches," confirmed Minsc, oblivious to the angry half-elf. "But beware, he is actually a miniature giant space hamster and therefore has never lost a bout!"
"Miniature… giant space hamster," slowly said Malark, nodding carefully. "Did I get that right?"
"Yes! Boo likes the forest."
"Right." Malark took a moment to collect his thoughts. "Umm, my sympathies, good man, but I'm not following a raging lunatic into battle, and no amount of potential rodents ruckuses will persuade me otherwise. Best of luck for your friend."
"You would leave an innocent to suffer with nary a twitch of your sword arm? RrraaaAAGHGHHH!" screamed Minsc as he went into battle. Two arrows later, Minsc lay still on the ground.
The party stood in awe of the situation. Malark's general apathy to the world around him had caused what seemed to be a decent man to try and cut them down in cold blood. Imoen and Neera tried to avoid eye contact; Ajantis just stayed frozen still. Kivan, however, had enough experience to cool his head quickly, and grabbed Malark by the front of his cloak.
"Some mess you've made here, Malark," scowled Kivan. "Do you perhaps plan on fixing this?"
"Look, I'm not backing down on my decision not to take him with us. This pretty well proves my point."
"And of the woman?" asked Kivan, still grabbing him roughly. "Will you allow her to be dishonoured with no-one coming to save her?"
"We go get her," answered Malark, dusting Kivan off. "I'm not leaving someone in the hands of gnolls. But we make sure we're prepared first. That's what hasty action looks like," he said, pointing at Minsc's body.
"Fine," scowled Kivan, walking off.
I'm still too fucking hungover for this, grumbled Malark internally. But for Ogmha's sake, I just got someone killed by goofing off! How the in the hells does that happen? Ugh, this is going to be such a pain in the arse.
As the party was crossing the bridge to the west, a red cloaked man waved down their attention, in a little bit of a hurry.
"I am the wizard Edwin, and I require you!" He exclaimed, while waving his arms at them till they stopped. "Yes, they will do nicely," he mumbled, before returning to speaking more clearly. "I would have you kill a witch, a witch Dynahier-"
"Oh for fuck's sake," groaned Malark.
"It seems it would do us well to get to her more quickly," added Kivan. "She should be warned of this man's plotting."
"Hang on, hang on," said Malark to Kivan, waving his hand to slow him down. "Has she done anything to merit death? Randomly attacked any bards who place their health high on their list of priorities? Anything like that?"
"Malark, this suspicion is untoward!" interjected Ajantis.
"Yeah, but not unfounded."
"It is no concern of yours," answered Edwin. "You need but perform the act with no questions. What is your answer?"
"No," chorused the party, and Edwin left in a huff.
Continuing west, the party continued their successes with the wonderful individuals they encountered. A man decided to hang onto them the whole way, and it took the combined strength of Ajantis, Kivan and Malark to keep her from murdering him horribly. She didn't stay mad for long, and then began to pester Ajantis about turning the whole world pink. Ajantis, to his credit, cried out to Helm for mercy.
"Malark, I think we need a break," said Neera, grabbing him by the shoulder.
"Time really isn't our friend right now, Neera." Great, now I'm caught in a balancing act between Kivan's revenge hard-on, the general sanity of the group, and unintentional obligations to avoid random witches getting slaughtered. Should have stayed in the library. "Though I suppose we can go to the circus."
"Circus?" asked Neera, hope in her eyes.
"Circus!" screamed Imoen, putting down her pink paint brush and letting Ajantis breath a heavy sigh of relief.
"I'll take that as a yes, then," said Malark, a little confused to how Imoen got Ajantis pinned on the ground. Come on."
A/N: Sorry for the length between updates; I got busy and hit a lump of writers block. Here's some progress though.