It Starts With Letting Go

Disclaimer: I don't own or make money from this.

Chapter 2.

May glanced at Phil as they walked. "Do you think she'll still be there?" She questioned him. He smiled over at her.

"Yeah." He replied as he reached in his pocket and pulled out what looked like a wire.

"What's that?"

"The ignition wire. Do you think I'd leave my baby unprotected?" He told her and she smiled back.

They were on their way to the closest garage. Soon poor Lola would be aboard a flatbed and on her way to the car equivalent of a hospital. As they walked, May decided that their private time away from the others would be a good spot to ask the burning question she had held in abeyance.

"Phil… I don't want to upset you, but I have a serious question." She told him. When he nodded, she began, "I need to know if you've had any of those symptoms that you listed on the video?"

The sun was bright, but it was not so warm that she didn't realize that he began to turn pale and sweat at her question. She realized too late that he was going to his go-to position when it came to her asking personal questions. He stopped walking and faced her, the redness glowing on his cheeks.

"Are you thinking I'm not fit, Melinda?" He asked angrily. She tried to take his arm, but he pulled away.

"No! We've got to get past this, Phil. I'm asking because I'm worried about you. Just for once can you let go of always being in charge and let someone take care of you for a change?"

Coulson glared at her for a moment as he took in her words before his face relaxed again. "You know why I do that, May." He said softly.

May knew about Phil's background. His father, his idol, had been killed in a car accident when Phil was six. The youngster had also been in the car and witnessed his father's last breaths. The biggest tragedy was yet to come though. Phil's alcoholic mom had pretty much emotionally deserted her only child. He was left to his own means growing up, paying the bills, putting food on the table, taking care of her when she was sick from the hangovers. She had never told him he was good. Or that he did something right. He never got a hug or an 'I love you' after his father died. He had learned to take care of himself at a very young age, and that meant depending only on himself when he was hurt or confused. May did realize how hard it was for him to understand that someone could care about his welfare. He amazed her at how well he had turned out. And she knew it had been Fury who had rescued Phil from high school and made sure he got an education in philosophy and logistics. Nick had not taken advantage, but rather opened his young charge's mind to the world around him. But, it was Phil's kind and forgiving nature that had chosen his path in life. To Phil, it was without even conscious thought that he forgave people who made mistakes, that he fought for the little guy, that he offered his own life to save others, and that he had taken in those like Skye because he knew deeply how it felt not to have anyone love you.

"I do know, Phil." May replied as he let her take his hand. "And it's time you realize that, just as you were there for me after Bahrain, I am here for you now."

"Okay." He said. "I promise that I will try. But, know that this is something I've spent a lifetime denying and it might take me a while."

"And that's okay, too." May let him know that she was in it for the long haul as they walked into the garage hand in hand.

Luckily, the mechanic on duty at the small garage wasn't busy and he excitedly raved about the Corvette as he loaded it onto his flatbed tow truck. Lola got her windshield replaced and new tires. He questioned Phil about the added features, but the agent just smiled and said they were just for show and paid him. He lifted the hood and replaced the ignition wire expertly. He and May got in and drove in style back to the motel. Lola still had her dings from the gunshots, but as much as that pained Coulson, he knew they would have to wait.

The group had again gathered around the motel pool. They had paid for one more night and gotten supplies from the WalMart across the street.

"Hey, guys!" Skye said cheerily from her place on the raft floating in the pool. "Come on and join us. We got you swimsuits. They're in your room."

May and Coulson watched the younger agents for a minute before deciding 'what the hell?' May went in the room and changed while Coulson got himself a cold water from the vending machine. He looked up when he heard May coming out of the room and lost it a little at how beautiful she really was. Skye had been right in purchasing a solid black suit that emphasized her tiny, but muscular body. He had to take a moment to settle before he stepped into the room to change.

He looked down at the dark navy trunks that fit him perfectly, and then up at the mirror. The scar that intersected his chest had gradually become less pink and obvious as it healed. He wondered if the others would be grossed out, and seriously considered just putting on a tee shirt, before he realized he didn't have one. The jeans and sweater were his only other clothes that he had stowed in Lola for emergencies. The others had gotten a swimsuit for him and toiletries, but not one tee shirt. Or even a razor. Looking in the mirror now, with the stubbly face and scar he looked like a mercenary in a bad war movie. God, he had never been so self-conscious in his life. He had never been afraid to go without a shirt before. He was well-built and had especially muscular arms, or at least girls had told him that. He didn't carry an ounce of fat on his whole frame so he had a flat stomach as well. So it was really the scar that was causing this he realized. The question now was did he make it a source of pride or shame? He thought about when and why he got it. Besides the horrible T.A.H.I.T.I. program, he had actually received this scar when he was trying, somewhat ridiculously, but still trying to help the Avengers. He had ended up sacrificing his life unintentionally, but the gesture had helped bring them together, and they had won the war. So, seriously shouldn't it be a source of pride for that? He ran a hand down his chest over it and decided that the answer was yes. And if anyone was offended by it? Well, if they were, he would respect that and go over to WalMart himself for tee shirts. He still respected his team too much not to if they were grossed out by it. So, taking a deep breath, he opened the door and walked out to the pool. To everyone's surprise, he didn't say a word as he bent and dove into the deep end.

"AC!" Skye screamed as she felt the raft shift under her. He had used the opportunity to swim underwater up to her and was now tipping the raft just enough to dump her. He hadn't had this much fun in forever. He came up laughing at the younger agent as she began to splash water in his face.

"Dammit, I just did my hair this morning!" She shouted in mock anger. Everyone else was laughing at the stunt. To Coulson's great relief, no one really seemed to notice or care about his scar. The team decided to just go for it and take another vacation day. They played around the pool, ordered beer and pizza, and just let go.

At one point May gestured for Coulson to come over to her where she perched on a deck chair. Picking up some sunscreen, she told him to turn around and then she gently rubbed the cream over his shoulders which were turning pink.

"Does the scar hurt to touch?" She asked him softly. When he shook his head no, she rubbed the sunscreen into the scar tissue. He remained amazed that she didn't seem to be affected in any way by its appearance.

"So it doesn't gross you out?" He finally asked. May just snorted.

"Phil," she said firmly. "it's just flesh. It's not like it's an open wound or something. Our scars are just reminders of what we've been through and survived. It makes me actually appreciate you all the more." He nodded, accepting her answer without question for once.

They all lazily watched the sunset, content that tonight was theirs and tomorrow would see them back at work. May told Coulson she was going to take a shower and hit the sack. She walked in the room and dug in her bag for clean underwear and something to sleep in. Realizing that she didn't have any nightclothes clean, she stepped over to Phil's emergency bag to grab a clean tee shirt if he had one. It was something she had done before, and she knew he wouldn't mind. She was digging into the bag when a spiral notebook fell out and lay open on the floor. May reached down to pick it up, but stopped when she saw what was written in it. Her heart thumped harder as she turned the pages staring at row upon row of circles and dashes in Phil's handwriting. What the hell was this? She looked up guiltily when he walked in the door and caught her. Instead of looking angry, he sighed and gave her a cautious look.

"May, you… you asked me earlier if I had any unusual symptoms." He looked almost helpless and ready to cry. "That's your answer right there. I don't know when I do it, or why. I don't know what it even is. I just have an overwhelming need to keep that book and continue writing in it…" His voice faltered. "Does this mean I'm losing it?"

May squared her shoulders and told him the truth as she saw it. "Phil, I can't say yes or no to that question right now. But, one thing is even more important. We have to find out if this means something other than just doodling. We need to know if your subconscious mind is trying to tell us something. Then, and only then, can I truthfully answer your question."

Coulson sagged onto the bed and she joined him hugging him for all she was worth.

"Don't assume the worst. We'll get through this together." She told him.

tbc